10 Unbelievable Surprises in Michelle Obama’s New Book

Wow.

USA Today just ran the world’s puffiest puff piece on Michelle Obama, the excuse being the book “she wrote” a book about the White House garden.

I, for one, can’t wait to get my hands on this epic tome, as it’s sure to be the greatest thing penned by a Democrat since “Pow Wow Chow.”

Wonder what’s in there?

I speculate thusly:
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Meet the Mother of the Children of the Corn!

1) Turns out all the recipes in it were plagiarized from Julia.

2) Barack’s nickname for Michelle’s little field is the “Greyhound Garnish Garden.”

3) Michelle’s garden contains Swiss chard, sea kale, Early Jersey Wakefield cabbage, four kinds of garlic, and a patch of blueberries. It’s also 1/32 Indian Corn. Plus a little choom in the corner.

4) Every child who worked in the Michelle’s garden was rewarded with a free trip to Vail. Just kidding. That’s only Michelle’s kids.

5) At harvest time, the sound of the kids singing “Swing Low, Sweet Chariot” can be heard for miles. Those not singing loud enough feel the sting of Michelle’s boob-belt.

6) To keep pesky critters away from the veggies, an audio system plays an endless loop of Joe Biden’s speeches. BOOM! They’re out cold & snoring in 15 seconds.

7) Michelle Obama’s 22 paid staff members work hard to make the garden a success. Do you know how tough it is finding places that sell $6000 gardening gloves and gold-plated shovels?

8) The harvested vegetables are carried into the White House kitchen using baskets hand-woven by re-trained former Solyndra employees. Stimulus creates or saves again!

9) To keep the Secret Service agents from nodding off while listening to old Biden speeches, alertness is encouraged by dressing the scarecrows as Colombian hookers.

10) MSNBC’s Chris Hayes is quoted as saying that he would be completely comfortable calling any large sandwich made with a long, crusty roll split lengthwise and containing White-House-grown vegetables a “hero.”
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There’s also probably something in there about an extra tax on the 1% of the vegetables the grew the largest, since at a certain point, you’ve absorbed enough of the soil’s nutrients.

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14 Comments

  1. Like husband, like wife. Michelle admits that the White House garden is her first ever. That pretty well qualifies her as an expert.

    1. Tell White House staff to plant garden
    2. Take pictures
    3. Profit !!

    I note that Ms. Obama gardens in spotless white pants. The only kind of gardeners who can do that are ones who don’t.

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  2. I thought #2 was a rather gross and confusing joke – until I realized “Michelle’s little field” was NOT a sexual euphemism. Boy do I feel stupid (and a little bit dirty).

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  3. Harvey, #5 just proves you need both race and gender sensitivity training! You are also to report immediately to Obama’s Re-education Camp #42. But bring your laptop because they need your blogging skeels.

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  4. Pingback: IMAO » Blog Archive » Michelle Obama: Boob Belt Fever

  5. Real reason for backyard garden? Michelle herself said that it was for testing (just testing, not disposing of) the excellent fertilizer made from composting Barry’s composite girlfriends. Well that and wanting to prove that eight billion was not too much to pay George Soros for those magic beans.

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