Archive of entries posted on 9th May 2012

IMAO Reader Theater: White House Press Conference

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[High Praise! to Chris]

I don’t watch the White House daily briefing, so I can’t confirm that Jake Tapper actually asked Jay Carney these questions about the West Virginia primary, but it seems realistic enough.

[CAUTION: Contains words used on South Park. Scoot the kiddies out of the room before playing]


[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #2)

Take a hippie-punch at fame by creating your own IMAO-worthy video at Xtranormal (“If you can type, you can make movies”). Send a link to harvolson-at-gmail.com and I’ll give it a look. If it isn’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and it doesn’t suck too terribly bad, I’ll post it and let the readers throw roses and/or tomatoes at you.

Donald Rumsfeld Now Strangling Peanuts

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[High Praise! to Bad Science]

Technically this would be a step down from his glory days of strangling CNN reporters, but a man’s gotta keep busy somehow.

A very old picture of Donald Rumsfeld is being used to promote a brand of wasabi-coated peanuts in England:

The photographer who snapped the shot confirms it’s legit:

taken at a state dinner featuring Geisha, in Kyoto, November 21, 1974… Rumsfeld, then the White House Chief of Staff, participated in this Japanese parlor game that involved passing a piece of straw held between the upper lip and nose to the person next to him (a Geisha dressed in colorful attire, in this case). Rumsfeld, defying tradition as is his way, used a chopstick instead of the obligatory straw. The nose-down winner, however, was Sec[retary of State Henry] Kissinger, who invoked the ‘closer-to-the-upper-lip-with-his-schnoz’ rule, thereby defeating Rumsfeld and President Ford, who was also in the competition.

What this has to do with peanuts is anyone’s guess.

The important thing is that his picture is out there making hippies cry.

Link of the Day: Secret Government Plan to Nuke the Moon!

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[High Praise! to Rectifier15]

Apparently government time travelers from 1959 stole Frank J’s plan to nuke the moon, then went back to their own time…

And did NOTHING with it!

This is why we need to privatize space travel.

[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]

10 Good Uses of the AskMichelle Twitter Tag

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The way these dorks keep thinking they can successfully use social media with zero risk of auto-facial detonation reminds me of Pete Puma in the Bugs Bunny cartoon blithely asking to be given “a whole LOTTA lumps!“.

Michelle Obama sayeth upon Twitter: “The First Lady is taking your questions! Reply with yours and she may answer it as part of a video Q&A.”

When will they ever learn?
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“Should I go to NAPA or AutoZone for the best deal on hose clamps in women’s sizes?”

1) The Massachusetts food nannies won’t let my club have a bake sale at school. If we want to raise money by selling $6000 purses, will you buy one?

2) If my school only serves tamales made out of tofu, is it then safe to be between you and them?

3) Can you recommend a dirt-resistant designer sweater to garden in?

4) When shopping at Target, how far ahead of time should I book my AP photographer?

5) Do you agree that Hamlet is better in the original Klingon?

6) Grannies, thong, or commando?

7) Is it true that you’re 1/32 Cherokee?

8) Do you like green eggs and dog? Would you eat them in the fog? On a log or in a bog? Maybe with a side of frog?

9) If I go out on a dinner date in New York, will people make fun of me if I didn’t travel to it in a 747?

10) After serving food at a homeless shelter, how do you get that hobo smell out of a pair of $500 sneakers?
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So… any questions for the First Lady?

Nuke the News: Obama Keeps Getting Creepier

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* So Dick Lugar lost his primary. Ends up Republicans are starting to get tired of entrenched incumbents who are completely useless at achieving conservative ends. We keep getting told that if we just get reasonable candidates and never care about actually achieving anything, we can keep getting absolutely useless Republicans elected who never do anything. But the Tea Party is all for being risky and maybe actually doing something about the deficit before the country collapses. That’s why they’re radicals. You only get to be part of reasonable side of the GOP if you’re all for standing back and watching the country slowly get crushed under its debt.

* In the Democrat primary in West Virginia, prison inmate Keith Russell Judd got 40% of the vote. In fact, West Virginia Democrat Senator Joe Manchin wouldn’t even say who he voted for in the primary.

Maybe they just really like dogs in that state. And who has more baggage to deal with in the general: A prison inmate or Obama with his economic record?

* North Carolina has banned gay marriage. That’s the state Democrats are having their convention in this year. Because Obama also hates gay marriage. Though I think he was against the law in North Carolina. So he’s against gay marriage, but he’s also against being against gay marriage.

Some people act like gay marriage is this huge civil rights thing and everyone is evil and a hater who opposes it, but if they really cared that much, then shouldn’t they be excoriating Obama for his hugely cynical position on the issue and calling him a hater as well? But they don’t, so obviously no one really cares that much about same-sex marriage. Until I see them constantly screaming at Obama, I’ll assume gay marriage is just a silly partisan thing.

* Ends up Elizabeth Warren’s ancestors weren’t Cherokee but instead murdered Cherokees. That clears things up. So the reason Warren joined all those Native American groups was so she could more easily round them all up and make them march the Trail of Tears again.

* This is pretty weird: Obama’s White House requires visiting unborn children to be registered. I assume Obama then sends the mother a card explaining how much they’ll save over their lifetime for the cost of an abortion now. Because he’s budget conscious and helpful and doesn’t like people being punished with babies.

Obama’s creepy. Did you know he eats dogs?

* Wisdom of the Day from Kevin Eder:

Obama, who single-handedly devised the most audacious military plan in 500 yrs, can’t formulate a position on same-sex marriage. #GutsyCall

Random Thoughts: Elizabeth Warren, Cherokee-Killer

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Has anyone used the headline yet “Lugar Misfires”? If not, it’s yours for free.

So what’s Obama think about the North Carolina vote?

You can always look to Obama to find a leader. He’s the guy Obama is following.

So Elizabeth Warren is 1/32 Cherokee and 1/4 Cherokee murderer.

Maybe Warren joined the Native American groups so she could more easily round them up and force them off their land.

So does anyone actually sell those holsters that makes the gun pop out your sleeve right into your hand?

For women whose husbands don’t have a chance of being elected, is there a way for them to be proud of their country? #AskMichelle

Can’t Chick-fil-A hire Jews and Muslims to work on Sunday? Don’t hire atheists, though; can’t trust the godless with chicken sandwiches.

Shouldn’t we have evolved by now to not have hair on our arms so pulling off band-aids doesn’t hurt?

Finally watching Moneyball. I hear who Jonah Hill plays is actually a composite character and once dated Obama.