Breaking Soon: 10 Upcoming Elizabeth Warren Scandals

Posted on May 21, 2012 8:04 pm

“I’m 1/32 Cherokee!”

“Harvard’s First Woman of Color”

Plagiarized recipes!

Really, how much worse can it get for this woman?

Ok, since you asked, how about…
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Sold crab with tomato mayonnaise dressing to Native Americans that was infected with smallpox.

1) Once described President Obama as “the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy.” Settled with Joe Biden out-of-court on a plagiarism suit.

2) Banned dancing in the town of Bomont. When a spunky rebel who played by his own rules moved to town and incited the local teenagers to dance in violation of the law, she had the sheriff arrest everyone within six degrees of Kevin Bacon.

3) In 2004, was jailed for insider-trading cattle futures with Hillary Clinton. Served five months as Martha Stewart’s prison-bitch.

4) Committed a burglary at the Watergate Hotel. Later tracked down because she inadvertently left behind autographed copies of “Pow Wow Chow.”

5) Uh oh… guess who Ted Kennedy’s Driver’s Ed teacher was?

6) Candid snapshots of Elizabeth drunkenly dancing around naked with a bomb on her head revealed to be the inspiration for the infamous riot-causing Mohammed cartoon.

7) Wrote the letter that finally convinced the executives at Fox to cancel Firefly.

8) “Hey Barack… want me to punch up those presidential bios for you?”

9) Shot J.R.

10) Loaded 16 tons. What did she get? Another day older and deeper in debt. Then a bailout from Obama.
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Just the tip of the iceberg. Speaking of which, turns out she’s also 1/32 Titanic Captain.

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UPDATE: Linked by The Hope for America

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9 Responses to “Breaking Soon: 10 Upcoming Elizabeth Warren Scandals”

  1. DavidJ says:

    #7 is COMPLETELY UNFORGIVABLE!!!

  2. hwuu says:

    Rhymed pow wow with chow.

    Ordered 10000 solar panels from solindra, cancelled the order.

    Contributed a soufflĂ© recipe to the cookbook “n*gg*r please recipes”.

    Swiped a tile off of the space shuttle.

    Told Obama what comes after a trillion.

    Claims she was cleaning her gun on the grassy knoll when it went off accidentally.

    Gave the red wiggle an STD.

    Ran a fake ID syndicate out of Kenya.

  3. Son of Bob says:

    Convinced MTV executives to air a new show called The Real World.

    “Hey Mark Zuckerberg,” she said, “I have an idea I call ‘Timeline’.”

    She’s 1/32nd related to the guy who invented clamshell packaging.

    Wrote “Baby” for Justin Bieber.

    Was the inspiration for the song “MacArthur Park” after she thoughtlessly left the cake out in the rain.

  4. Jimmy says:

    “Sold crab with tomato mayonnaise dressing”

    Yuk! She should be flogged with kelp.

  5. zzyzx says:

    She told Obama what comes after a trillion, and worse…she told Byden what comes after ten!?!

  6. hwuu says:

    Submitted 31 recipes to the cookbook “Cooking with Crackers”

    Reformulated Coca Cola.

    Co-wrote “dreams from my father” with Bill Ayers.

    Submitted a recipe to the cookbook “Indonesian’s Seasonins” titled Javanese Dog. It featured a new coke based BBQ sauce.

    Founded the Cobra Kai Dojo.

    Refused to put out her cigarette at the Hindenburg docking.

    Talked the skipper into hiring Gilligan.

    Pushed facebook stock as a good investment.

  7. MarkoMancuso says:

    1986.

    “So the winning run is at second base with two out. 3 and 2 to Mookie Wilson. [Wilson swings and hits a groundball up to first base] Little roller up along first….behind the bag! It gets through Warren! Here comes Knight and the Mets win it!”

  8. hwuu says:

    Got smudges all over the Hubble telescope.

    Made Iron Eyes Cody cry. (reference: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Keep_America_Beautiful )

    Haunts Tiger Woods’ memories.

    Helped enslave the Umpa Lumpas.

  9. Jimmy says:

    hwuu – those were “Harvey-grade” snarkies.

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