Nuke the News: Obama to Top All Presidents Mustache-wise

Posted on May 31, 2012 11:00 am

* Obama says he probably knows more about Judaism than any other president because he read a book about them and some of his best friends were Jews and he once dissected one. Obama then said he was the strongest president ever and challenged all other presidents to a fight. When George W. Bush accepted, Obama said he had a cold so he’d have to postpone the fight. Then Obama said he was going to grow the BIGGEST MUSTACHE OF ALL PRESIDENTS, one so huge it would make Teddy Roosevelt look like he had a pedostache in comparison. He then said he was going to create the most jobs of any presidents… but then decided against that so he could focus more on the mustache thing.

* A prominent Democrat, Artur Davis, is switching to the Republicans. He had voted against Obamacare, which got him in trouble since black people are not allowed independent thought in the Democrat Party. But now that he’s a Republican, he can have whatever views he wants… as long as they’re not hippie views we’ll punch him for. But we do that to all races because we aren’t stupid racists like the Democrats.

* Mayor Bloomberg is banning large sodas because it’s his job as dictator to make sure his subjects don’t have too many choices to confuse them. Wait, that’s not right; this is America. We don’t have dictators telling us how to run our lives. Does he know what country he’s in? Maybe someone should explain it to him. Or maybe we should pass a law forcing Bloomberg to dress in an elf costume and dance for us. If he protests, we’d whip him and say, “It’s for your own good! Elf dances burn calories!” Hopefully he’d learn his lesson… or at least come up with a really entertaining dance.

* Here’s a new one in asininely raising the specter of racism: Bans on sex-selective abortion are targeting Asians. Really, at this point, liberals should just not be allowed to make a charge of racism. 99% of it’s just utter, partisan nonsense. If a liberal thinks he’s found an instance of racism, he should go tell a conservative, and if the conservative agrees, he’ll tell people about it. If he doesn’t, he’ll punch the liberal for being a hippie. That’s how they learn.

* Some people are petitioning that we have a “do not kill” list. So if your name is on that list, Obama can’t kill you with a drone. I just wish he listened to public input on the kill list. I mean, there’s people I want killed. Can I suggest names?

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14 Responses to “Nuke the News: Obama to Top All Presidents Mustache-wise”

  1. Jimmy says:

    Yeah, but Bush is going to The White House today to kick Obama’s ass.

    Video coverage at 11:00.

  2. CrustyB says:

    Bush should show up in a t-shirt that says “And you thought I was bad?”

  3. Son of Bob says:

    “Mayor Bloomberg is banning large sodas because it’s his job as dictator to make sure his subjects don’t have too many choices to confuse them.”

    If you ever wonder if liberals are really insane, just look at their acceptance of Bloomberg. Liberals hate rich people who think they’re above the law and dictate to others what to do. Bloomberg is one of the 10 riches men in the world, who treats New York, and New Yorkers, as his play toy and dictates to New Yorkers when they can use salt or drink a soda, and they love him…but Bush listening on overseas phone calls with terrorists is trampling their rights. Liberalism is a mental illness.

  4. Bunkerhillbilly says:

    In an ideal world Obama would announce that he’s going to consume the world’s largest soda and Bloomberg would ban oversized mustaches…Moochie’s dietary dominatrix bit and the voting of residents in ‘the village” notwithstanding.

    Not to mention that Fourth of July party William Howard Taft threw in Beverly, MA where he consumed several gallons of Coca Cola and the resultant belch was heard from Portland, ME clear down to Staunton, VA.

  5. FormerHostage says:

    Obama’s knowledge of Judeism is as extensive as Biden’s knowledge of…uh…pretty much anything.

  6. FormerHostage says:

    Bloomberg will next dictate how much fiber New Yorkers must have on a daily basis along with the frequency and volume of daily poops.

  7. FormerHostage says:

    Are “female fetuses” on Obama’s Kill List?

  8. FormerHostage says:

    Now that Artur Davis is a Republican he will fight for a more pro-market government. He wants the economy to improve so that he can finally afford an “h” for his name.

  9. hwuu says:

    I heard Barry challenged all the other Presidents to a Doritos snorfing contest, but they all know not to go up against the leader of the chooms.

    Personally I think Taft could of taken him.

  10. Bunkerhillbilly says:

    Bill Taft (the last POTUS to pimp a ‘stache) enjoyed maduro cigars, beer in summer, whiskey during the cold months, and multi-course meat-centric meals with his wife not in fear of her. He also was a competitive golfer who hit the links after attending to his daily responsibilites.

    Yeah, he’d kick widdle Barry’s narrow hind end but good.

    Anyone know where a vial of Taft’s blood might be?

    (Just imagine an army of zombie Tafts and Reagans….)

  11. DamnCat says:

    Sorry, Bunkerhillbilly, but when doctors tried to draw blood from Taft all that came out was gravy.

  12. hwuu says:

    @CAt I have that problem. Butter forms on the top of my blood samples.

  13. NO_MO_BAMA says:

    Silly Asian people, in this country, we abort the boys, they cant double your welfare take when they hit 13 by getting knocked up. Don’t they teach these people the basics before they load them on the boats? gez At least Asians are finally being pandered too like the rest of the minorities, what took so long?

  14. Mxymaster says:

    The term “Feckless crapweasel” was, I believe, invented for Bloomie Poppins. The man really hates any freedom that does not have to do with the freedom to deploy ones gonads as one sees fit. Jerk.

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