(somewhere secret in the dessert)
Ali: Where to next?
Galid: Whack-a-Jew! Whack-a-Jew!
Ahmed: But that is way over on the other side of the fair.
Galid: We must go soon! Remember last year when we got there too late and the Jews were all whacked out? It is no fun unless they are lively and can dodge and weave your blows. Dead Jews are no fun to whack. They do not even beg or squeal. And the blood splatter is all wrong.
Ahmed: Ok, ok. You are right.
Ali: But we need to stop by the photo booth on the way. I promised the children I would get the picture of me photoshopped into the beheadings.
Habib: And we need to stop by the Apple booth and check out the My Little Terrorist aps. I hear there are some now that teach them how to make bombs from fertilizer and there is a flight simulator and a game to sneak past the wily TSA, Allah be praised.
Galid: But we must be quick. I don’t want to miss Whack-a-Jew again. Hurry! Hurry!
Burka Woman: Excuse me. Excuse me for just a minute. Would you be able to take a moment and sign this petition? A bunch of us would really like to see something done about the oppressive dress code in the caliphate.
Galid: I am confused. Dress code? I have never heard of any dress code.
Burka Woman: Of course you have. Just look at how I am dressed.
Ali: What is wrong with how you are dressed? It is perfect. You are completely covered and unappealing and I have no desire to violate you in any way.
Habib: I have no such desire either.
Burka Woman: But do you think I want to be dressed like this? Do you not think I have the right to dress how I choose? That is what the petition is about.
Galid: I am confused. So you wish to petition Allah? If we sign this paper, he will change the Quran and the hadith? Why have I not heard of this before?
Habib: Absolutely, there are a lot of things I’d like to change, girlfriend. But Islam doesn’t work that way. Get with the 8th century.
Burka Woman: This isn’t about changing Islam or the Quran. Not at all. We just want the freedom to practice the way we wish. My friends and I just graduated from universities in America.
Ali: What? Women in school? What is this blasphemy?
Ahmed: Where is my acid?
Burka Woman: Chillax. We aren’t trying to blow your minds or change your way of life. We just want a little leeway here. In America, we could dress anyway we wished, even when we went to prayers at Mosque. We aren’t asking for that freedom here. All we want is a small change. The petition is to allow us to raise the hem of the burka to just below the ankles. I spent over $300 on these shoes, and I just don’t want them to be covered up in a sack.
Galid: I am confused. So you wish to be violated?
Habib: Yes. Yes. You are aware that if I were to catch the merest glimpse of your toe, I would not be able to control my virile masculinity and would have no choice but to rape you into oblivion?
Ali: True. True. You cannot dangle meat in front of a dog and expect any less.
Burka Woman: I can see it is no use talking to any of you. I’m out of here.
Habib: A moment, please. Would you mind if I just took a quick peak at your shoes?
Burka Woman (huffs and stalks away)
Galid (glances at the sundial): OMA, that chatty woman has wasted so much of our time. Come, we must hurry to Whack-a-Jew.
(They hear a large commotion and see a large crowd gathered)
Ali: What is that going on over there?
Galid: Who cares? Whack-a-Jew! Whack-a Jew!
Ahmed: Come on, it will just take a minute.
(They drag Galid to the crowd)
Public Relations Imam: …can see from recent events, we are having a really hard time getting our brand name and recognition out there. How can we get our name out there when the Obama administration is consistently purging us out of existence?
Galid: I am confused. Obama? I thought he was a JV president.
Ali: He is. Most definitely he is. Everything he touches, right into the latrine.
Habib: I’d only touch that guy with my left hand.
Ahmed: I am sure glad he isn’t a Muslim.
Ali: I wish he would fight against us. Ensure our victory.
Public Relations Imam: That is how he is so wily. How can we inspire fear and terror if no one knows we exist? No one is even allowed to speak our name. Look at what happened in Orlando.
(crowd ululates and fires AK-47s into the air)
Public Relations Imam: I think maybe you are celebrating prematurely.
Galid: I am confused. Did not many homosexuals fall to the might of Allah? Is that not cause for us to celebrate?
Public Relations Imam: Indeed it is, but is Allah being given the credit for this mighty blow? No. We do the work and the praise is given to the hatred of the Christians and the NRA.
Galid: But I am confused? When the deadly asp bites you, can you blame the butterfly? Was the holy warrior not pledged to us and proudly killing in the name of Allah? How can this be?
Public Relations Imam: That is the wiliness of the Obama. We do not exist and cannot be blamed. That is what this workshop is about. We are trying to brainstorm some ways that we can get our brand out there and start getting credit for the terror we are causing. For starters, I would suggest that we be much more discriminating in the way we choose our targets. Choose targets that cannot be blamed on anyone else. Ones that can’t be called hate crimes or discrimination or any of that. No more targeting of minorities and gays –
Ali: What? And let the sodomites go unpunished?
(crowd mutters and fumes)
All: Death to the gays! Death to gays! Death to gays!
Public Relations Imam: Alright. Calm down. We are all in agreement with that. Death to the gays. All I’m saying, is we can’t waste precious resources on targets that won’t advance our cause. When the worldwide caliphate is established, all this will be taken care of. In the meantime, we need to make sure those Christian bigots don’t get the accolades for our hard work.
Galid: But I am confused. Jews are a minority. Are you suggesting we can no longer target Jews?
Public Relations Imam: Oh no, Allah be praised. Jews are always on the menu. Even if the skinheads or Israeli conspirators get the credit, Jews are always worth the resources. But otherwise, what I am suggesting is we try to keep our targets to straight, white males.
Galid: And Jews!
Public Relations Imam: And Jews. But does anyone have any more ideas about how we can get our brand recognized and actually get credit for what we are doing?
Ahmed: We could officially endorse Trump!
Galid: Can we target Bernie Sanders? Please can we?
Ali: Perhaps we could blow up a lion.
Habib: Or a gorilla.
Red-Shirted Muslim in the Back: How about we get rid of this flag with the crescent and replace it with this one? (Unfurls and holds up Confederate flag)
Galid: Ok, enough of this. Whack-a-Jew! Whack-a-Jew! If I miss it, I’m gonna whack all of you.
Ali: Alright. Alright. We’re coming. We’re coming.
(As they hurry toward the Whack-a-Jew stand, they notice a figure swinging from a makeshift gallows. Burka Woman is swinging above them, hung by the neck until dead. A cute pair of red pumps is sprawled in a heap on the ground below her)
Ali: Well, I can see her shoes now.
Habib: My, but aren’t those simply adorable? I wonder if they come in a 12.
To be continued, maybe, if I feel like it.