Joe: I’ll get it! I’ll get it!
Sasha opens the door.
Joe: Barry! I said I was going to get the door! I called it, and stupid Sasha did it!
Obama: It’s ok. You can answer the door next time.
Joe: But I wanted to do it now!
Obama: And don’t say stupid. It’s hurtful.
Joe (mumbling): I’ll show you hurtful.
Melissa Click enters
Obama: Welcome, Melissa. I may call you Melissa, I assume.
Melissa (nodding): I just felt it was my duty to inform you that your invitation to Thanksgiving Dinner was severely lacking. It should have noted: Trigger Warning – Celebration may involve cultural appropriation of Native Americans and their cuisine. Trigger Warning – Celebration may involve the idealized representation of genocidal, white Europeans. Trigger Warning – Food may be offensive to vegetarians. Trigger Warning – The sexist term “Tom Turkey” may be uttered. Trigger Warning – prayers of thanks may be uttered to a mythical bearded man in the sky. Trigger Warning – you may be subjected to abusive patriarchal sporting events. Trigger Warning…..
Obama: No need for all that. My very presence is the ultimate safe space. There will be no social injustice or glorification of American history here.
Melissa: We shall see, my pretty. We shall see.
Joe: (rushes to the door, barely beating Sasha to it. He sticks his tongue out at her and opens the door)
Cecile Richards, President of Planned Parenthood (enters)
Obama: Well, don’t you look lovely this evening!
Cecile: Oh, you are such a liar! I look positively dreadful. I haven’t had the money to get my hair or nails done professionally for weeks. I could really use some cash. Have your daughters made any mistakes you don’t want them punished for, wink, wink?
Obama: Oh, you are incorrigible!
Cecile (brandishing a plate of large eggs): Wait til you see what I brought for an appetizer. Have you heard of Balut?
Obama: Balut? Isn’t that partially developed duck fetuses, still in the egg?
Cecile: Traditionally, yes, but mine have that Thanksgiving twist. Turkey fetuses, darling. I just love working with fetuses. So versatile. So many uses.
(Stevie Wonder and Ahmed Mohammed arrive and enter just behind Cecile)
(Stevie Wonder feels his way to a piano and starts playing Ebony and Ivory)
Obama: Welcome, my brothers. And what is that you have brought with you today, Ahmed? Is it another one of your inventions?
Ahmed: It is a thermonuclear device. My father’s cell…I mean… I made it from parts I got from Radio Shack.
Obama: Well, aren’t you the little prodigy.
Ahmed: It really works, too. My father says, when we win the lawsuit against the school, Allah will bless us with many more such devices.
Joe (speaking to Melissa): So I hear you are in Women’s Studies. I read your scholarly work on Twilight. Fascinating.
Melissa: You did? I didn’t think anyone but my students read that. And I forced them.
Joe: That’s a shame. Your work deserves much broader attention. Your representations of class in Big Redneck Wedding and 50 shades of post feminism completely changed the way I examine my own patriarchal tendencies. I think my preconceived notions of gender have been a form of self-oppression I constantly struggle to liberate myself from.
Sasha (rushes to answer)
Melissa: That is what I was aiming for. Did it make you consider self castration? The betterment of society by changing men.
Sasha (opens door): And speaking of changing men….
Bruce Caitlyn Jenner (enters): Hello everybody.
Obama: The party couldn’t start without the Woman of the Year.
Joe (moves up behind Melissa, puts his hand on her shoulder and whispers into her ear): I’ve spent my lifetime researching women studies as well. Maybe we can get together later and I can show you some of the things I learned….
Melissa: Whoa, I didn’t give you affirmative consent, buddy. Where I come from, that is rape.
Stevie Wonder: Really. Touching your shoulder is rape? Creepy and unwanted, yes, but rape?
Melissa: He just sexually assaulted me! You all saw it! The violence inherent in the patriarchal system.
Stevie Wonder (chuckling): Well, actually, I didn’t see anything.
Melissa: So this is a joke to you? I’m brutally, sexually assaulted by a repressor of the patriarchy, and you think this is funny?
Stevie Wonder: I’m not saying it wasn’t offensive, but don’t you think that comparing it to rape denigrates actual rape?
Melissa: I can’t believe you just said that! That’s not just a microaggression. That’s a macroaggression. Racist!
Joe: No, no. It’s ok. Black people can say that word!
Stevie Wonder: What are you even talking about? What word?
Joe: I can’t say it.
Stevie Wonder: You mean ‘rape?’
Joe: No. Not rape. Of course not rape. Everyone can say rape. Watch me. Rape, rape, rape.
Melissa: Yeah. White women on my campus cry rape all the time. It’s expected.
Joe: You know. THE word.
Stevie Wonder: No I don’t know.
Joe: You know. The N-word.
Stevie Wonder: What? I didn’t use the N-word. I never use the N-word. What are you even talking about?
Joe: Ok, Ok. I’ll say it. Please don’t shiv me?
Stevie Wonder: Now THAT was racist.
Joe: Denigrate. (ducks his head)
Stevie: Denigrate? That’s not the N-word. That has nothing to do with the N-word.
Melissa: Sure it does. Sounds just like it. And it has such negative connotations.
Stevie Wonder: Denigrate is not the N-word. Trust me.
Melissa: How would you know? You’re not even authentically black. We can’t trust your feelings on the subject.
Stevie Wonder: What? Of course I’m authentically black.
Melissa: No you’re not. You’re not only colorblind. You’re fully blind. You can’t see your own blackness or anybody else’s blackness or whiteness or redness or yellowness. You don’t even know what race is. That changes everything. You’ve spent your life in a warm race-free cocoon of blind privilege.
Stevie Wonder. Blind privilege? Now I know you must be an academic.
Melissa: Do you really think you would have gotten where you were if you could see? Paul McCartney totally carried you on Ebony and Ivory. Do you even know which of you was which? Ebony? Ivory? Which am I?
Stevie Wonder: Ok. You’re right. I’m blind. I have no idea what race you are, but based upon what you have been saying, I have been able to determine that you are severely mentally retarded.
Obama: Don’t be preposterous. Why would we invite a mentally retarded person to Thanksgiving at the White House?
Stevie Wonder: I assumed it was a Special Olympics award thing. Or maybe it’s so Joe wouldn’t be the numbest hake at the table. All I know is that my special blind privilege has heightened my other senses, and my retard-radar is clanging off the charts.
Melissa: You make me so angry. You are such the microagressor. If only I had brought my muscle with me. Not even a blind black man can get away with calling a woman a retard.
Stevie Wonder: Ok, you’re not retarded. You’re mentally challenged. Feel better now?
Melissa: Screw you. Unlike you, I care about creating a beautiful future where everyone is equal and valued. Where everyone contributes according to their abilities and receives according to their needs. Where no one is labeled as mentally challenged.
Stevie Wonder: Yeah, because in your future, Planned Parenthood killed off the mentally challenged and sold them for parts?
Cecile: Heavens no! That’s absurd! We would never do that! Researchers don’t want defective parts. But that’s okay. Have you seen 101 Dalmatians, darling? Coats, jewelry, lampshades so many other personal uses for them. So versatile.
Stevie Wonder: I think I’m going to be sick.
Joe (moves up behind Bruce, puts his hand on his shoulder and whispers into his ear): You’re so brave. And strong. Maybe later you can come up to my room and we can reenact some scenes from my favorite movie. The Crying Game.
Stevie Wonder: Now I know I’m going to be sick.
Joe (rubbing Bruce’s shoulders): I can really understand what you are going through, Caitlyn. Even though I was born a poor white boy, I’ve never really considered myself to be white. I’ve always felt that I was something else on the inside. I’m a Palestinian trapped in an infidel’s body.
Stevie Wonder: You see what I’m saying? Numb as a hake.
Melissa: What right have you to judge him?
(Stevie Wonder’s eyes roll behind his dark glasses)
Joe: When I look into the mirror and gaze deep into my own eyes, do you know what I see?
Stevie Wonder: An imbecile?
Joe: A strapping young Palestinian. Skin the rich color of pumpkin latte and full, luxurious manes of hair on my head and on my chest. I have Stars of David tattooed on my pecs, and I’m pretty sure my name is Jaime Goldschmidt.
Stevie Wonder: Wait a minute. Goldschmidt? Are you sure you are a Palestinian?
Joe: Jaime is a self-loathing Jew converted to the righteous cause.
Stevie Wonder: So let me get this straight. You are a Palestinian trapped inside a self-hating Jew trapped inside a senile old white idiot.
Joe (nods): I’ve never heard it put so clearly. And I think the Palestinian within me might be a lesbian.
Stevie Wonder: There are not enough derogatory terms to describe you.
Melissa: You, you intolerant …uh..uh.. some kind of –ist. I’m sure what kind, but you are definitely some kind of vile –ist.
Stevie Wonder: How about we stop the arguing and just relax and listen to some football.
Melissa: I give up. You are so patriarchal.
Obama: You gave us the trigger warning. Football is on the table. Let’s see who is playing. We have the Redskins versus the Vikings.
Melissa: Ah. No. White Europeans against oppressed natives. No way. No way.
Obama: Well, let’s try the NBA then. Let’s see. There’s the Celtics versus the Warriors.
Melissa (screams, bangs her palms against the sides of her head and curls up into a fetal position)
Stevie Wonder: And we’ve entrusted the education of our children to her? (to Melissa) Ponder this. Margaret Sanger, Karl Marx, the Frankfurt Group, Saul Alinsky. All white European stock.
Bruce Jenner: Now that was just cruel.
Stevie Wonder: You know. Even blind, I can still tell you’re a man. Let’s grab a beer and catch the game.
Bruce Jenner: Now you’re talking, brother. I give up. My show’s ratings were crap anyway.
Ahmed: Excuse me, but do you know if that universal remote came from the Radio Shack? I think you may have just prematurely activated my thermonuclear device. I wasn’t supposed to set it off until halftime, but it is ticking now. Father will be so cross with me.