(somewhere secret in the desert)
Corporate EHS Imam: I’ve gathered you all together again because you ran off last week before we could complete the environmental part of the meeting.
Said (awkwardly runs up to the group. He is wearing a red shirt and is holding a goat pressed against his abdomen): Sorry. Sorry. I apologize for my tardiness. It has been difficult for me to get around lately.
Habib: Hey, is that Mohamar’s red shirt?
Said: It fit so well, it seemed a shame to let it go to waste, so I dug it up. It is like the EHS Imam always is telling us, reusing is better than recycling, Allah smile upon us.
Corporate EHS Imam: Well, at least someone has been paying attention. But I really think you should get rid of the goat, for now. I can see it becoming a distraction.
All (tittering behind their hands)
Said: Well, I can’t, you see. It’s kind of attached to me.
All (tittering behind their hands harder)
Corporate EHS Imam: Well, I think it will survive the separation anxiety.
Said: I don’t think you understand. It can’t leave. It is attached to me.
All (tittering behind their hands even harder)
Corporate EHS Imam: Really. I must insist you get rid of the goat.
All (still tittering)
Ali: He means that the goat is literally attached to him.
All (tittering harder again)
Galid: It is the fault of the Jews!
Said: Someone filled my tube of KY Gel with Loctite super glue. I can’t get the goat off me.
All (bursting out laughing)
Galid: But it is not Said’s fault. It is the machinations of the Jews! They hate our uncircumcision!
Said: The Loctite helpline said my skin cells will die and it will slough off in a few more days, but until then…..
Corporate EHS Imam: Allah give me strength.
Galid: The Jews are attacking our very manhood! Death to the Jews!
All: Death to the Jews.
Ahmed: Yes, yes. Death to the Jews. I agree. We should kill them all, but in all fairness, we should not add this to their list of crimes. It is not the fault of the Jews this time. I saw Ali sneak into Said’s tent with the super glue.
Ali (stammering): Um. Yes, yes. I saw me sneak into Said’s tent too. I was hiding in the bushes plotting the swift destruction of the infidel when what should I see? I saw me sneak into Said’s tent. I thought, how can I be sneaking into Said’s tent and hiding in the bushes at the same time? Such a thing is impossible! That is how I knew it was the witchcraft of the Jews.
Habib: I knew it. It is those shapeshifting Jews!
Ali: Yes! The shapeshifting Jews! The same ones who attacked Charlie Hebdo!
Habib: Yes. The same ones who have been invading my dreams and transforming from comely virgins into Channing Tatum! Death to Channing Tatum!
All: Death to the shapeshifters! Death to the Jews!
Galid: But I am confused. The shapeshifting Jews viciously attack Said’s manhood, but then the shapeshifting Jews also viciously attack those who insult the Prophet. They both offend and defend Allah? These Jews, they are bipolar?
Ali: Do not try to understand the machinations of the Jews. Only madness lurks that path.
Corporate EHS Imam: ok, ok, ok, ok. We’ve gotten way off track here. I guess we have no choice but to let the goat stay. Try to keep it under control, Said. Ok? Ok. Does everyone remember last month? What did we talk about last month?
Ahmed: Uh, the environment?
Corporate EHS Imam: Yes, but more specifically? What did Said say a few minutes ago? Anyone?
Galid: That is was the fault of the Jews?
Corporate EHS Imam: No. It has nothing to do with the Jews. Anyone?
Corporate EHS Imam: Good, Said. Last month we spoke about our new Green Jihad initiative: Keep Dar al Islam Fit for Allah. And reusing and recycling was a big part of that initiative.
Ahmed: You mean like saving all our shell casings from the battlefield of Allah to reload them?
Habib: And using every part of the goat?
Galid: And composting the infidels when we are done defiling their corpses?
Corporate EHS Imam: Yes, yes. Those are all part of it. Today we are going to talk about other ways we can minimize the environmental impact of jihad, so that when we are victorious, the world will be one we want to dominate. Today we will be talking about global warming and the Kyoto protocol and how we as mujahedeen can do our part to reduce our impact on global warming. Has everyone heard of global warming?
All (silence, hesitant nodding)
Ali: It is when the sun rises in the morning and shines down upon us and warms us during the day?
Corporate EHS Imam: No, actually, the sun has nothing to do with global warming.
Galid: I am confused. So the sun does not make us warm? Then what?
Ahmed: Is it the fires of hell warming us from below? Absurd!
Galid: Is it the Jews? No, it is not the Jews. What was I thinking? Being warm is good. Jews would not cause that.
Corporate EHS Imam: Global warming is not the natural warming we normally think of. It is bad warming.
Galid: I am confused. So then it is caused by the Jews?
Corporate EHS Imam: Why yes it is. And by you and by me and by everybody. Global warming is warming that is caused by greenhouse gasses that we all put into the environment.
Habib: I spit on greenhouse gases! Allah curse them!
Corporate EHS Imam: Can anyone name any greenhouse gasses?
Galid: It is true. You are a greenhouse gas, my friend. On your own you turn the pool at the oasis into a bubbling spa.
Ahmed: Is that why your tent is always so warm?
Ali: Shut up, guys!
Corporate EHS Imam: They are actually quite correct, Ali. Carbon dioxide and methane are two greenhouse gasses, and they are both gasses that you emit quite regularly. All animals emit them. Do you remember last month when I gave you all those monitors to wear on your belts but I could not tell you what they were for? Who still has them? Everyone? Good. Those were monitoring the carbon dioxide and methane in your immediate environment so we could get an idea how much we were harming the planet as we went about doing our jihad work.
Habib: So these were measuring our emissions?
Corporate EHS Imam: In a way, yes. Your emissions would affect the readings in your immediate environment.
Ahmed: Yeah. Mr. Imam, I think Ali’s monitor suicide bombed itself.
Corporate EHS Imam: What?
Ali: It fizzled and sparked and flamed and melted.
Galid: Did you walk too close to a Jew?
Ahmed: No. It was his emissions. They were too much for it, so the monitor suicide bombed itself. Now it is monitoring the sweet, sweet emissions of virgins in paradise.
Ahmed: It is true, my friend. If we could but catapult you into Jerusalem, the city would be ours once again.
Galid: In ten years when it is once more inhabitable, you mean.
Ali: Hey! Shut up guys! You all suck!
Corporate HR Imam: OK. That’s enough. Let’s not create a hostile work environment.
Corporate EHS Imam: We have all the data from the monitors, and, even omitting Ali’s readings, we were very surprised at how high our level of emissions was, especially from the goat pen. Tons of methane in the goat pen. We are part of the problem. If we keep this up, we will turn the world into a desert.
Ahmed: What is wrong with that?
Ali: Yeah. I like the desert.
Habib: The desert is paradise, really.
Corporate EHS Imam: Well, I was kind of looking forward to relocating to a more hospitable clime when Dar al Islam was established, but to each his own.
Galid: I am confused. Did not Mohammed live in the desert? Was the desert not good enough for the Prophet? So the desert is not good enough anymore?
Corporate EHS Imam: Ok, just forget about the desert. The desert is not the point. The point is the earth will get so hot that it will not be able to sustain life anymore.
Galid: But I am confused. I can survive in the desert just fine. It is the weak bones of the infidel that will be picked clean by the storms of desert sands while we laugh at their remains.
Corporate EHS Imam: Just forget I mentioned the desert, Ok. That was a bad analogy. Just believe me that the science is settled and global warming is caused by greenhouse gasses, and it is bad. So we are instituting some policies to minimize our greenhouse gas emissions. First, this is how we will be reducing emissions in the goat pen. (Holds up a large cork)
All (look at it quizzically)
Corporate EHS Imam: Said, I’m actually glad now that you brought a goat. Come on up to the front. The emitting orifice is clear, I am assuming?
Said: Of course. What do I look like to you? A filthy sodomite?
Corporate EHS Imam: No offense meant. This will not be falling under out ‘Don’t Ask, Just Stone’ policy. Ok, everyone. Pay attention. You’ll need to know how to do this. You will all be tasked with going down to the goat pen and installing some of these yourselves. There. Like that. And that is all there is to it.
Goat (baaing unpleasantly)
Corporate EHS Imam: We have a cork for each of you as well.
All (crossing their legs and cringing)
Corporate EHS Imam: But we will not ask you to resort to that just yet. That will only be a last case resort. We will first be asking you to try and limit your own emissions through proper diet and exercise. Our Corporate Nutrition Imam has put together a diet for you all to follow to limit your emissions. I’m sorry, but no more humus or lentils or chickpeas. And livestock, as we’ve seen with the goats, are terrible for global warming, so we’re going to be limiting the meat, except for this exciting new dish called Solyent Infidel. We will be distributing the details to you in the next newsletter. And as far as exercising goes, we ask that you just stop doing it. The more energy you expend, the more carbon dioxide you emit, so we are asking that for now you mostly try and hang out in the shade. Napping is good too. We will also ask that you hold your breath until you feel light headed once every thirty minutes or so. This way we can save up our greenhouse gas emissions for the important work of raping and pillaging.
Goat (bleating loudly)
Corporate EHS Imam: We’ll check the monitors again next month and see if we have met our reduced emission targets.
Goat (bleating excitedly)
Said: I think there is a problem.
Goat (expands like a balloon blowing up and explodes)
Said (falls to the ground covered in a combination of goat pieces and his own blood)
Ahmed (rushed to Said’s side): Said!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Said (speaking lowly) : Did I make a difference? (stops breathing)
Ahmed: Yes, yes, my friend. You made a difference to me.
Galid: I am confused. It seems like reducing emissions only killed Said. That seems much worse than living in a desert.
Ali: Death to global warming! No, I mean death to greenhouse gasses! No, I mean, what am I supposed to be wishing death to? I am as confused as Galid.
Ahmed: Death to the environment! Death to EHS! Death to Kyoto!
Ali: Yes! Death to Kyoto! We must avenge Said!
Habib: Yes! Death to Kyoto! To Japan!
Ahmed: To Japan!
Ali: To Japan!
All (run off)
Corporate EHS Imam: Why do I even try?
Corporate HR Imam: They have a point.
Corporate EHS Imam: Who asked you?