Author Archive

Camp Hillary

Friday, March 20, 2015 5:15 pm

Things Hillary has planned for her adult fun camps

  • Frontal lobotomies
  • Laundering her foreign donations
  • White Water activities
  • A double elimination tournament of Pin the Cigar on the Intern
  • Crafting all those handmade leather Vote for Hillary wallets
  • Shredding, shredding, shredding
  • Classes on how to carry two phones at once
  • Relaxing crayon time with her special connect the dots edition of The Vagina Monologues Coloring Book
  • First aid training for those who can’t afford healthcare on the exchanges
  • Archery competitions involving hunting homeless men who have been dressed like Ted Nugent
  • Flag burning for beginners
  • Extinguishing burning flag burners for beginners
  • The First Annual Symbolism over Substance hot dog chopping competition

 

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Life With ISIS – Open Enrollment The End

Wednesday, March 11, 2015 9:45 am

(somewhere secret in the desert)

Corporate HR Imam: Before we get into the benefits, I want to quickly remind everyone that if you want to be part of the marriage raffle, please get your tickets into the bucket.  We will be drawing as each daughter exits the genital mutilation tent.

Habib: And how many tickets may we enter again?

Corporate HR Imam: Everyone is allowed four wives in total, so you may enter the number of tickets equal to 4 minus the number of current wives you have.

Galid: Wait a minute.  I am confused.  No one said there would be maths.  Death to story problems!  I mean, I can count to twenty-one if I remove my breeches, but how do you expect me to do those subtractions?  Do I look like an autism to you?

Ali: Where is Rainmomar when you need him?

Rainmomar (mumbling): 2 minutes to drone strikes.  Definitely, definitely 2 minutes.

Corporate HR Imam: If you have any problems figuring it out, just put in four tickets. If in the end you end up with more than four wives, there are plenty of stones around. We can remedy it.  But let’s deal with that when the time comes. We have some very exciting new benefits now that the caliphate is established. As I mentioned before, under Sharia Law you will all be receiving free healthcare, and I think we can all agree that that is a big f—ing deal.

Galid: Does it cover pre-existing conditions? My daughter can tell you, I have a terrible case of crotch rot.

Corporate HR Imam: Pre-existing conditions will be covered, post-existing conditions will not.  But let’s try and hold off on the questions until the end.  Under Sharia Health Care, or SHC, you are covered for all health issues or treatments mentioned in the Quran.  Anything else would just be ungodly.  We’ll be passing out Qurans to everyone so you can finally read it and see what is in it.

Ahmed: I have a question.  What about my sleepers in America?  They are part of the caliphate, yes?  Are they covered under SHC?

Galid: Yes, everyone in my cells was forced to buy insurance on the exchanges.  It cost so much they could not afford the explosives.  Obamacare alone stopped all of my scheduled attacks for 2014, Allah spit upon it.  Obamacare sounds like a Jewish conspiracy to me.

Corporate HR Imam: We have been made aware of those issues, and we will provide all our sleepers with SHC proof of insurance, so that should solve that problem going forward. I mean, that really is money down the tubes.  How healthy does someone have to be to blow themselves up?

Ali: That is very good news.  Obamacare didn’t even cover my sleeper’s health needs.  Obama said he could keep his doctor if he liked this doctor, but under Obamacare, the old crone he used to go to isn’t even considered a doctor.  It is crazy!

Ahmed: Yes.  And my sleeper’s monthly leachings and bloodletting are not even covered. And they claimed preventative medicine was important.

Ali: Exactly.  It requires to pay for birth control, but then it does not pay to have a camel kick that pregnant whore in the belly or for the supplies needed for the honor killing.  Obamacare does not care about the health of our people.

Galid: Obamacare is racism straight up!

Ali: Death to Obamacare!

Ahmed: Death to America!

(all ululating and shooting guns into the air)

Rainmomar (mumbling): 30 seconds to drone attack.  28 seconds (starts hitting himself on the head and running away)

Corporate HR Imam: Ok, calm down everyone.  Please calm down.  Can some of you go and bring back Rainmomar?

(Galid, Habib, Ali and Ahmed run after Rainmomar as the drones fly in and attack.  There are many minutes of wanton destruction)

Corporate HR Imam: Praise Allah the medical coverage isn’t effective until 3/15.  This would break us.

Rainmomar (looking over the aftermath of the attack): 43,569 mujahideen left.  Definitely 43,569.  Paradise definitely needs 478,656 more virgins.  Definitely 478,656.

 

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Life With ISIS – Open Enrollment Part 2

Friday, March 6, 2015 11:00 am

(somewhere secret in the desert)

Corporate HR Imam: So are there any more questions or concerns about the vaccinations before we move on?

Galid: I am confused. You made mention of a stretch goal. What is this? I have not heard of such a thing.

Habib: Me neither. I assumed it deals with the hanging of homosexuals. That is the only stretching I have ever done on the job.

Ahmed: Except for the stretching you do before raping and pillaging to avoid sprains and strains.

Habib: Huh?

Ahmed: Do you even pay attention to our training? You probably do not lift with your legs either.

Habib: Were you not listening? We get free healthcare now, praise Allah, so what does it matter if we get injured a little bit? We will be fixed up, Allah willing.

Galid: But what has this to do with stretch goals? I am still confused.

Corporate HR Imam: Galid, just don’t worry yourself about stretch goals, alright. Forget I even said it. It’s not something that the cannon fodd- I mean, the valiant foot soldiers need to worry about. It’s boring upper management stuff. But before we get into the new benefits, management has asked us to brainstorm about the newest threat against us from America.

Ali: Death to America!

(All ululate and shoot guns into air)

Ahmed: Death to the Great Satan!

Galid: I spit upon their threat!

Rainmomar (mumbling): 7 minutes to drone strike. 7 minutes. Definitely…definitely 7 minutes.

Corporate HR Imam: I really like your enthusiasm, but let’s calm down a bit and discuss this. The Americans-

Ali: Death to America!

(All ululate and shoot guns into air)

Corporate HR Imam: Calm down, please. Calm down. Yes, we all wish death to America. But let’s put the guns down for just a few minutes. The Great Satan had a conference to discuss how to deal with violent extremism.

Galid: And that is us? We are violent extremism?

Corporate HR Imam: Yes. They consider us violent extremists.

Galid: But I am confused. I always thought we were pretty moderate. I mean, I’ll kill someone who is an infidel, or an apostate, or a Sunni, or someone who insults the Messenger of Allah, or cartoonists, or homosexuals, or rape victims, or people running those stupid marathons in those sexy little shorts, or women wearing yoga pants, or family members who dishonor me in some way, or those douchebags who take up two parking spots, or if I could ever get my hands on that Bill Maher guy, but who wouldn’t? I mean that is just normal, right?

(All nodding assent)

Corporate HR Imam: In the twisted view of the infidel, that is all extreme. There is just no talking to those people. But, like I was saying, they had that conference about how to deal with us, and here is the solution they came up with. There it is up on the screen.  The solution to violent extremism begins in your community.

solution

(All stare quizzically at the screen)

Galid: I am so confused. The solution? I thought violence was the answer. Why else are we striving to bring it to every community, Allah willing?

Ahmed: What does this even mean? Are they arming their communities? Training their children in their schools to fight us? What is this?

Corporate HR Imam: As far as we can tell, they are trying to remove arms from public places, making schools and malls and other public places gun-free zones.

Ali: So our agents do not even have to give up their lives to attack these targets?

Ahmed: Is this a white flag of surrender? Have we won?

(All chanting Dar al Islam and Allahu akbar)

Corporate HR Imam: Ok everybody. Settle down, please. That’s what we are trying to pick everyone’s brains about. This is the latest White House threat against us, and we don’t understand how it threatens us. We don’t even understand it enough to be able to combat it.

Ali: Could it be the economy? Maybe if the American hippies who put that together had jobs?

Galid: I’d rather just kill them, Allah be praised.

Rainmomar (mumbling): 3 minutes to drone strike. Definitely 3, 3 minutes.

(to be continued, maybe, if I feel like it)

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Life With Isis – Open Enrollment

Wednesday, March 4, 2015 11:00 am

(somewhere secret in the desert)

Corporate HR Imam: Welcome everybody to our first open enrollment fair. Now that Baghdadi has announced the caliphate, we will be able to fully implement Sharia which means many new and exciting benefits will be coming your way this year. You may be wondering why we had Bring Your Daughter to Work Day the same day we are having the open enrollment fair. Don’t worry. You’ll have plenty of time this afternoon to share the rough and tumble workday of the ISIS mujahideen with your daughters. But we wanted your daughters here today so they can enjoy the new benefits immediately. As you are all aware, under Allah’s law, healthcare is not a privilege but a right. May I please direct all your daughters to the Healthcare Tent to my right so they can get their free vaccinations and genital mutilations?

Ahmed: Wait a minute. Did I just hear you right? You want to vaccinate my daughter?

Galid: I am confused. I thought that vaccinations were a fiendish plot by the Jews to give us the autism.

Corporate HR Imam: Claims that vaccines cause autism have been thoroughly debunked. You have nothing to fear.

Galid: Ah, but is that not what the Jews would want us to think?

Ahmed: Was not Jonas Salk a Jew? You expect me to believe that a Jew would cure polio and invent vaccines out of the goodness of his black heart? Surely Allah laughs at such a thing.

Ali: Death to vaccines!

All ululating and shooting into the air

Galid: Death to autism!

Ahmed: Death to free preventative medicine!

Ali: Death to declining infant mortality rates!

Habib: Death to AIDS!

Corporate HR Imam: Calm down, everyone. Calm down. I can guarantee you that the vaccines are safe.  I’ll be getting them myself.

Galid: I am confused.  Do you expect me to believe that such great minds as Charlie Sheen and Jenny McCarthy could be mistaken?  Allah forfend.  How could this be?

Ahmed: Yes. I do not want my daughter to catch the autism.

Galid: Yes. Yes.  My daughter is already too smart. We have kept her out of school, but it does no good. If she got the autism and could then do the counting better than me and beat me every time at the blackjack, the shame would be too great.  I would have to honor kill her, Allah forbid.

Corporate HR Imam: Let’s think about this logically for a minute. Why would the Jews want to give any of us autism? What good would that do?

Ahmed: Have you ever tried to brainwash a child with autism?

Ali: Yes. It does no good. They just stare off into space and hit the ground with a stick. I cannot even get them to ululate.  If all our young recruits had the autism….

Galid: Maybe if there were casinos of the Great Satan around here, we could use the autisms for fundraising, but then Allah forbids us from gambling. I am so confused.

Ahmed: But it is not gambling, my friend, if it is a sure thing.

Corporate HR Imam: Why do I get the feeling that everything you know about autism you learned from watching Rainman? You probably are not aware that we already have some mujahideen with autism, and their skills are very valuable to our cause. Rainmomar? Are you here? Please come forward Rainmomar.

Rainmomar: 50,217 mujahideen. 50,000…50,217.

Corporate HR Imam: Rainmomar has been very helpful to our cause.

Rainmomar: 5,356,125,342 infidels left to behead. 5,356,125,342 infidels.

Corporate HR Imam: He handles all our numbers for us.

Rainmomar: 13 bullets.  13 bullets in your magazine.  13.

Ali: Ah.  See!  He is wrong.  My magazine holds 30 bullets.

Corporate HR Imam: But did you not just shoot many into the air?

Ali: Oh yeah. Wow.  He is right.  I only have 13 left.

Corporate HR Imam: He is great for our logistics and planning.  And you wouldn’t believe how much time he saves us during our annual inventory accounting.

Rainmomar: 106,660 beheadings per mujahideen. 100,000…..106,660 beheadings.

Corporate HR Imam: See?  He’s better than an abacus. If we can meet our stretch goals for massive destruction and recruiting, we hope to get that beheading ratio cut in half by the end of Q4. Thank you, Rainmomar. You may sit down.

Rainmomar (mumbling): 12 minutes to drone attack. 12. 12 minutes.

Corporate HR Imam: What was that? No bother. Lets’ get back on track and talk about the exciting new benefit package under full Sharia.

(To be continued, maybe, if I feel like it)

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Iran: Who’s Your Daddy? Obama: You’re My Daddy.

Tuesday, March 3, 2015 9:45 am

According to my man in State, the arms deal with Iran is going swimmingly.  Here is some of the diplomatic give and take Obama will be making to sweeten the deal:

  • A new PBS kids show: Mr. Ahmedinejad’s neighborhood
  • Iran will officially blame Bush for their nuclear program
  • Out of the radioactive ashes, Barack will be given Obamastan
  • The Ayatollah gets to keep Kerry as his personal eunuch
  • Free birth certificates and social security numbers for any Iranian who can get across the border
  • Obama gets to declare the Middle East a nuclear weapon free zone, so Israel must give up their weapons
  • The only droning allowed by Americans will be Barack’s speeches
  • Iran will allow US sponsored Job Fairs into Tehran
  • Obama has agreed to return America to its pre-1492 borders
  • Hillary will be confined to a burka now and forevermore
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Little Help Please

Friday, February 27, 2015 10:30 am

As you may or may not recall, I wrote a childrens’ novel last summer and submitted it to a literary agent. It’s a short grade school novel I’d place in the light fantasy/horror genre, and I wove some Christian themes into it. After being on the fence about it for six months, the agent finally decided not to represent me. While he said it was highly enjoyable, he didn’t feel deeply enough connected to the writing to represent it. I’d like to see if I can improve it before I send it to the next agent so it hopefully won’t get stuck on the fence again. Basically, I’m looking for some more test readers to provide me with some additional feedback. Being aimed at a grade school audience, it’s not long. Each of my kids made it through in a single sitting between dinner and bedtime.

If I had to describe the book in a single sentence, this would be it: A particularly naughty little girl discovers she can travel to a dream world where anything is possible but finds something lurking there that is even naughtier than she, a nameless, ageless fiend that wishes to consume her and all those she holds dear.

If anyone would be willing to lend me a hand by reading it over and brutalizing it up a bit, I’d appreciate it. Or if you have grade school kids who could read it over and let me know if they find any parts dumb and/or boring, that works too. Just drop me a note in the comments if you’d be willing help, and I can whisk you a copy.

Thank you.

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The Secret Life of Barack Obama – Superego

Tuesday, February 24, 2015 9:45 am

Reporter: Many on the right have made it a point to go as far as to accuse you out right of being a narcissist. Would you care to respond? Sir? Sir?

Barack (stares off vacantly)

Barack’s inner voice: When you get right down to it, my story is an inspirational one. Given my origins, it’s surprising I’m able to function in society at all. I was created rather than born through a combination of genetic modification and fetal surgery. I don’t think even my creators really knew what they were intending to make or what they eventually created. At least they weren’t able to provide me any satisfactory answers when I quizzed them about it later in their underground Kenyan laboratories. Of course, the fact that they no longer possessed their tongues kept their answers rather on the unintelligible side. I guess I didn’t really think that approach through all the way. Or, deep down, I didn’t really care about their answers. I know who I am, so what do their dead intentions matter? I’m faster, stronger, smarter, hipper. I’m the only human being in existence who can really multitask, really and truly focus on more than one thing at a time. When one tampers with the brain, however, the law of unintended consequences inevitably produces consequences of the unintended variety. Hence, the name of the law. The unintended consequence number one: I have no morals. No matter how many times I may try and make the utterance, I can’t feel your pain any more than that failed prototype Bill Clinton could.

Such lack of empathy and morals, however, made it pretty easy for me to decide which booths at the Jobs Fair to frequent: hit man or politician. At first, hit man seemed sexier. The universe is filled with multicolored blood balloons that make all sorts of interesting sounds when you squeeze them properly, eventually bursting to reveal whether you correctly guessed the color of their blood. It was fun while it lasted, but I just kept feeling there must be some way I could wreak greater destruction. What kind of legacy am I leaving myself? Will history even remember me? A couple thousand deaths in the universe would be hardly noticeable. I needed to ramp those numbers up to feed the other unintended consequence: textbook narcissism. I needed to be worshipped. I needed to be remembered. So I turned to occupation two.

Politics was easy for me, it turned out. Being able to lie out of both sides of my mouth at the same time gave me an overwhelming advantage. And it turns out it’s true what they say. The pen is mightier than the sword.  Did I mention I can wield two pens at once? With one hand, I can approve the new and onerous pharmaceutical regulations that will add years to the timeline to approve new drugs and treatment. Millions will suffer and languish and die waiting for FDA approvals. With the other hand, I can ban the production of GMO foods, sentencing millions, especially children, to slow death by starvation. Yes, given that I am a genetically modified organism myself, I am aware of the irony. Maybe my lizard brain instinctively feels that eating GMO foods is cannibalism, but I doubt it. Of course, I can also cause dreadful carnage by not wielding the pens.  By doing nothing, I can create a global power vacuum ready to be filled by all sorts of nasties.  I can ignore Boko Haram and ISIS until they get really hard to unseat.  Wielded or not, pens are dangerous in my two hands.

“Joe,” I said. “Did you know that Allah is racist because he created sickle cell anemia?”

Joe is my artificial intelligence. I’ve been lying to him for years. I thought by feeding him sundry false and contradictory information, like ‘if you like your healthcare plan, you can keep your healthcare plan’ or ‘the economy is a zero-sum game’ or blaming everything on racism, it would help to make him more intelligent as he had to work out these little dilemmas on his own. He’s a blithering idiot. I sure guessed wrong on that one. I didn’t make the American people any smarter either when I subjected them to the same experiment.  They voted for me twice, after all.

“What do you make of that, Joe?” I asked.

Joe just shivered, no longer even trying to remove his feet from his mouth.  Joe gave up answering me long ago.

Reporter: Sir? What do you make of that sir?

Barack: I refuse to even get down into that mud with them.

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Secret Life of Barack Obama – Scooby Doo

Monday, February 23, 2015 9:45 am

Reporter: How would you respond to the allegations in David Axelrod’s book that you were never a friend to Israel?  Sir?  Sir?

Barack (staring vacantly into space)

(Barack, Harfne, Michellma, Shaggy Joe and Scooby-Bo are packed in the Mary Jane Machine driving along a spooky dirt road at night. There is a creepy castle visible in the distance)

Barack: Wow.  So that is Terror Castle.

Shaggy Joe: They sure picked a creepy enough place to hold a Palestine/Israel peace conference.

Michellma: And a creepy enough night too!

Scooby-Bo: Reah.

(The Mary Jane Machine shuts itself down and rolls to a halt)

Scooby-Bo: Ruh roh!

Michellma: Jinkies!  Why did we stop?

Barack: We must have hit the ten mile limit on the electric Chevy Volt Van. We better get out and see if we can find somewhere to charge her up.

(They pile out of the van)

Shaggy Joe: While we’re at it, we need to find somewhere to charge me up too? I’m so starving even my munchies have the munchies.

Scooby-Bo: Rah.  Re too.

(There was the sound of a muffled explosion masked by a ghostly ululating howl)

Shaggy Joe: Zoinks!  What was that?

Michellma: Quick.  Look at the van!  The batteries spontaneously combusted!

(Smoke and flames are licking up from under the hood of the Mary Jane Machine)

Barack: We better hoof it and find some help.

Harfne: We could head straight to the creepy looking castle.  It doesn’t look too far away if we cut through the forest.

A voice from the shadows: I wouldn’t do that if I were you.

(Two shapes approach, becoming more brightly lit as they approach the flaming Volt)

All: Bill Ayers and Bernardine Dohrn!

Barack: What are you doing here?

Ayers: We could ask you the same question.

Barack: We’re here for the peace conference.  Don’t you recognize me?  I’m the President.  The President of your fan club, I mean.  I love what you did with the Weathermen.  Here.  See.  It’s my official membership card.

Shaggy Joe (puts hands on Bernardine’s shoulders and bends toward her ear)

Michellma: Shaggy. Shaggy.  Stop that this instant.  Get your paws off of her and stop sniffing her hair.  I swear sometimes you are worse than Scooby.

Shaggy Joe: But she smells so good.  Like a smoky roasted Scooby Snack.

Michellma: That’s not her you’re smelling. (points to Scooby-Bo roasting Scooby Snacks on sticks over the flaming Volt)

Shaggy Joe: Save some for me!

Scooby-Bo: Ro ray! (jams the sticks down his throat and pulls them out sans Scooby Snacks) Rericious! (giggles)

Ayers: Did I hear you right?  Were you thinking about walking through Gaza Forest to Terror Castle in the middle of the night?

Shaggy Joe: Terror castle!  Zoinks!  (leaps into Bernardine’s arms)  Hold me!

Michellma: How many times do we have to go over this? Keep your wandering hands to yourself, Shaggy Joe.

Bernardine: Oh, it’s alright.  No harm done.  No worse than the drum circles at Occupy Wallstreet rallies.

Barack: So what’s so bad about Terror Castle?

Ayers: Folks say the woods and the castle are haunted by terrorist ghosts.

Shaggy Joe (stops sniffing Bernardine’s butt and looks up): Haunted?  Yikes! With a name like Terror Castle, no wonder.  It’s probably, like, the KOA for spooks of terror past, right Scoob?

Scooby-Bo: Right.

Ayers: Why don’t you stay with us in our cabin in the woods and we can get you to the peace conference in the morning?

Shaggy Joe: Does that cabin include a fully loaded pantry?  I’m famished!

Scooby-Bo: Reah.  Ramished!

Shaggy Joe (whispers to Scooby): Careful Scoob.  Stay close to me.  I think Barack is hungry too.  He’s licking his lips and giving you that drooly look again.

Scooby-Bo: Ruh roh.

Michellma: I’ve got some nice turnip chips.

(All gag and retch)

Bernardine: No thanks.  We’ve got plenty of real food for you to eat before you hit the sack.

Shaggy Joe (puts his hands on Bernardine’s shoulders and whispers into her ear): How about we hit the lunch sack.  I can make you the old Shaggy super sandwich.  Just imagine you stuffed between me and Scoob…

Harfne: Cool your heels, Shag. This is your last warning.

Bernardine: Oh, he isn’t hurting me none.  He’s much less terrifying than what we usually see in the Gaza forest.

Michellma: I’ve always wondered.  Why do ghosts terrorize people anyway?

Harfne: There must be lots of poverty and unemployment in the afterlife.  If we could just get these ghosts some jobs.

Shaggy Joe: Yeah, like they could be booticians.

Scooby-Bo (giggles)

Shaggy Joe: Or they can work at the ghostery store.

Scooby-Bo (giggles harder)

Shaggy Joe: They can run the scary-go-round or the rollerghoster or other dead end jobs.

Scooby-Bo (giggles harder)

Booming Voice: That mock will be your last.  Behead those who insult us! (ululating howl)

(all look toward the voice to see a green, glowing ghost floating in the air)

Michellma: Jinkies!  It’s the ghost of Osama bin Laden!

Harfne: Mr. ghost, sir.  Have you tried looking into Saudi Arabia’s exceptional job training program?

Shaggy Joe: Look out!  He’s got a bomb!

Barack: Shut up Harf, and run!

Ayers: Quick!  Follow us to the cabin!

Ghost Ladin: You can never escape me!

(They run to the cabin with the ghost in hot pursuit.  The door to the cabin is blocked by another glowing, green ghost)

Barack: Oh no!  The ghost of Yasser Arafat!

Ghost Arafat (uluating eerily): You will never survive the night! (He throws a bomb at the gang)

(Scooby catches the bomb.  He and Shaggy frantically toss it back and forth to each other)

Ayers: In the outhouse!  Quick!  Throw it in the outhouse!

Scooby-Bo (rushes toward the outhouse, kicks open the door and tosses down the bomb.  It explodes, coating Scooby in sewage)

Barack: Whew, that was close.

Shaggy Joe: You, like, totally need a bath now, Scoob.  You smell worse than me.

Scooby-Bo (moans sadly)

Shaggy Joe: Don’t worry.  I’ll fix you a Shaggy super-sandwich while you clean up.  You in, Bernardine?

Cut Scene

(Scooby settles into a huge metal tub filled with sudsy water)

Scooby-Bo (closes eyes and relaxes)

(gloved hands silently place wood around the tub and light the fire. Then the gloved hands sprinkle salt and pepper gently into the tub around Scooby-Bo)

Shaggy Joe (enters the room): Boy oh boy!  Something smells delicious in here!

Barack (startled, drops the salt and pepper shakers on the ground): Uh, um.  Let me be perfectly clear.  It was the ghosts!  The ghosts were trying to cook Scooby-Bo.  It was definitely the ghosts. I just scared them off.

(Michellma and Harfne enter)

Michellma: What is that captivating aroma?

Shaggy Joe: The ghosts were, like, totally trying to cook Scoob!

Harfne: Oh, they like to cook.  If we could just get them free chef training, problem solved.

Michellma: But wait.  That makes no sense.  Muslims consider dogs unclean.  They would never eat a dog.  Something’s fishy.

Shaggy Joe: Yeah, and why would a ghost eat anyway.  It would just go right through them.  (giggles) Get it Scooob?  It would go right through them.

Scooby-Bo (giggles): Reah.

Barack: Um.  Uh.  Of course it was the ghosts. It’s just like Fatal Attraction and the rabbit. Trying to scare us by boiling our pet.

Michellma: Maybe…

Barack: But seeing Scooby all lathered up like that gives me an idea.  Come on, everybody! To the laundry room!

Michellma: The laundry room?

(they head to the laundry room and watch Barack assemble his trap)

Shaggy Joe: I’ve seen goofy traps before but this is the goofiest!

Scooby-Bo: Rah.  Roofy.

Shaggy Joe (whispers to Scoob): Yeah.  Roofies!  Like those ones we slipped Bernardine? (giggles)

Scooby-Bo: (giggles) Scooby-booby-bo!

Shaggy Joe (whispering): Shaggy super-duper sandwich!

Barack: Not goofy, Shaggy. Simple! We use a fan, soapsuds, a spring-loaded ironing board and a washing machine. When the ghosts come through the door, we’ll take them to the cleaners. Now let’s see how it works.  Ready, Scooby?

Scooby-Bo: Ready!

Barack: Fan on! Look! It works!  Harf, Michellma and I will lure the ghosts through the door! When I yell ”Now,” switch on the fan.

Shaggy Joe: Right! I’m all set too!

(there is ghostly ululating as the ghosts approach)

Barack: Here they come now!

Scooby-Bo: Now?

Barack: Oh, no! Scooby turned it on too soon!

Shaggy Joe: And, like, in reverse yet!

Michellma: A flying washing machine! Shaggy and Scooby are riding it!

Harfne: Duck! They went out the door! Look out! They’re running toward the woods.

Shaggy Joe: I can’t steer this crazy machine! We’ll take the shortcut. Hang on! (crash into the ghosts) Got them! Looks like these ghosts are all washed up!

Barack: Let’s see who we have here (unmasks ghosts of Bin Laden and Yasser Arafat)

All: John Boehner and Bibi Netanyahu!

Michellma: Jinkies!

Shaggy Joe: Zoinks!

Barack: I suspected as much all along.  All the ghost terrorists were Muslim.  Only a Zionist would exclude the likes of Richard the Lionheart, Harry S. Truman and countless Popes and from the list of terrorist ghosts.

Michellma: But why did they do it?

Harfne: That’s easy.  Like usual, the Israelis wanted to break up the peace talks and blame it on muslim terrorism.

Barack: And they wanted to give Islam a bad name.  It was all a plot to get us to do their dirty work for them and attack all those peaceful bastions of Islam like ISIS and Hamas and Hezbollah.

Bibi: And we would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for you rotten libs…

Reporter: Sir?

Barack: I believe that both sides in that conflict are equally to blame, but one side is more to blame than the other.

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Keith Ellison Announces His Plan for DREAM Act II

Thursday, February 19, 2015 11:50 am

(AP) – Frustrated with the Texas federal judge’s injunction against President Obama’s executive action regarding undocumented Americans, Representative Keith Ellison has devised a new plan for dealing with these newly disenfranchised, nearly-documented citizens. At a press conference this morning, Representative Ellison had the following to say about his plan:

“The solution really struck me when I saw Anjem Choudary discussing his views on MSNBC. Did you know that the full implementation of Sharia includes free housing, food, clothing and, yes, even free health care for all? Under Sharia, these things are not just a policy choice but an obligation under Allah’s law. I thought, wow, this sounds just like the American dream. This sounds exactly like what the undocumented Americans came to this country looking for. But where can they get such a thing? Sharia can only be fully implemented under a caliphate, and there is only place where a caliphate currently exists: ISIS. Rather than giving these undocumented Americans a one-way ticket back to Mexico, let’s give them a one-way ticket to Syria. They are already accustomed to dodging bullets in the desert and the beheading of people by drug cartels, so it will be just like home with benefits. They don’t even have to convert to Islam, just submit to ISIS and pay a small jizya submission tax. ISIS wants recruits to share Sharia. We have people waiting unfortunately in limbo yearning for the American dream offered by Sharia. It’s a win-win, really.”

Rand Paul had this to say about Ellison’s approach: “Normally, I would be opposed to government spending on positive externalities, but in this case, I don’t think the plan goes far enough. Since ISIS appears to be a progressive paradise, I’d be willing to pay to send all progressives there so they can live their dream.  They hate America, they love freedom fighters, and they love taxes, so the jizya might actually be something they enjoy. On top of that, their words and actions and policy recommendations indicate that most of them have de facto submitted to the muslim religion already, so what are they waiting for? I’d even be willing to foot the bill to issue them all brand new US passports they can burn when they get to their new home.”

Representative Steve King, however, was troubled by Ellison’s proposal. He had this to say: “I still think it is more economically feasible to grant fast track citizenship to undocumented conquistadors and let them sort it out.”

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Life with ISIS – Ad Men the End at Last

Tuesday, February 17, 2015 9:45 am

(still somewhere secret in the desert)

Corporate Advertising Imam: And now it is time for the last entry in the contest.  Ali’s commercial.  Let’s just start that one rolling now.

(screen shows family at the dinner table conversing happily)

Voice Over: Now you can own a piece of history, commemorating the day the world changed forever.  Be one of the first to own this special set of commemorative plates: Historic Mockery.

(shot pans over a set of plates, but the images on the plates are blurred out)

Voice Over: Each entry to the Historic Mockery collection is crafted of fine porcelain and richly accented with 24 carat gold trim.  Each plate in the collection comes with a certificate of authenticity and a display stand for any curio or display case, or you can proudly hang them on any wall.  The issue for each plate has been strictly limited to just 65 firing days, and after that each die will be destroyed forever.

All (ululating and firing their weapons into the air and chanting): Fire! Die! Destroy! Fire! Die! Destroy!

Corporate Advertising Imam (pausing video): Please, please.  Settle down. Ali put a lot of work into this, so let’s be polite and hold off on celebrating until the end.

Corporate EHS Imam: And what did I tell you about your safeties?

(All moan and engage their safeties)

Voice Over: The Historic Mockery collection, destined to become a precious and treasured family heirloom, depicts each and every one of the Charlie Hebdo Mohammad cartoons in full color and crystal clarity, so you can laugh at the prophet again and again.

All (raging): Death to all who insult the prophet!  Stone them!

Corporate Advertising Imam: No.  No stoning!

Corporate EHS Imam: Don’t waste your breath.  They’re gonna stone it.  But watch this.

All (stone the movie screen. The screen just ripples and the stones bounce off)

Corporate EHS Imam: I’m using a projector and an old style movie screen. The screen is pretty much stone proof.  I wish I’d thought of this months ago.

Galid: The plates of blasphemy!  They are not breaking!  Our stones, they just bounce off!  What deviltry is this?  Ali, maker of this blasphemy, surely you have some explaining to do?  Are you really a Jew?

Habib: Stone Ali!  Stone Ali!  Stone Ali:

Ahmed: Death to all who mock the prophet!

All: Stone Ali!  Stone Ali!  Death to the Jew!

Ali: No, no, no, let me explain, Allah willing.  The plates, they are blurred.  They are blurred.

Galid: But they are still blasphemous images of the prophet.  Blurred or not!

Ali: No.  No. The plates do not show the prophet.  Why would I make such a plate?  No. They are my Obama collection of plates.  I just blurred them for the commercial.  They are not Mohammad.  There is no Mohammad on the plates.

Galid: But even blurred I can make some of it out. Surely, that one is Mohammad wielding the mighty scimeter of Allah in Medina.

Ali: No.  That is not a scimeter.  It’s a golf club.

Ahmed: But that one there is clearly the prophet prostrating himself before the feet of the angel Gabriel.

Ali: Nope.  Obama bowing before King Abdullah.  They are all Obama.  Not Mohammad.  Obama.  See.  That one is Obama receiving the Nobel Peace Prize.  And that one is him obfuscating over fast and furious.  And that one obfuscating over Obamacare.  And that one obfuscating over the IRS audits.  And that one obfuscating over Benghazi.  And that one obfuscating over spying on his own subjects.  And that one obfuscating over Solyndra…

Habib: It is amazing.  Blur Obama just a little bit, and I cannot tell him from Mohammad.

Ahmed: Seriously.  By Allah’s beard, I swear I am looking at Mohammad.  That looks exactly like the image of Mohammad I keep in my head.

Galid: What!  You keep an image of Mohammad in your head!  Idolater!  Blasphemer!  Stone Ahmed’s head!

Ahmed: No, no, no.  It was just a figure of speech.  There is no image.  No image.  I would never.

Galid: I spit upon your figure of speech!  I spit upon the image of Mohammad!

Habib: What!  You spit upon the image of Mohammad?  Blasphemy!

Galid: But is not the image of Mohammad blasphemous? Should it not be spit upon?

Habib: But is it not still the prophet?

Galid: I am so confused.  Upon what do I spit to express my disdain for this blasphemy? Look at me.  I drool with righteous indignation.  Where do I spit?

Ahmed: We are getting off of the path.  It is Ali who was selling the plates insulting the prophet.  Spit upon him.

Ali: No.  It was not Mohammad.

Galid: Maybe not yet.  But what about when someone ordered the plates?  Surely you would have to make the plates of blasphemy before you could deliver them. Were you planning on ripping off the customer?  Did you not think they would ask for a refund?  What kind of scheme is this?

Ali: That’s the point.  Think about it.  Does Allah not wish us to lie to the infidel?  Who but an enemy of Allah would buy such a fine collection of commemorative plates?

Ahmed: Ah. I see.  You are a genius, my friend.  You will be taking of their money but not shipping them the plates of blasphemy.

Ali: Oh no.  Even better.  Instead of boxing up the plates to ship to them, we will be putting into the box a suicide bomber.  When they open up the box so they can mock the prophet of Allah, boom!  Surprise!  These crazy infidels will be paying us to put a hit on them.  Minus $5.95 shipping and handling, it is all profit for us.

Ahmed: Oh, and minus the cost of the bomb.

Ali: Well, yes of course.  That too.

Galid: And the cost of the life of the suicide bomber.

All (laughing):

Ahmed: The cost of the suicide bomber!  You slay me!  To think of human life having a cost!

Galid: But I am confused.  Could we not just put a bomb in the box instead of shipping an entire suicide bomber?  Just the cost of shipping alone….

Ali: Oh Galid.  Would you deny the virgins of paradise their martyr?  Surely your childlike innocence brings tears of mirth to the eyes of Allah.

Kareem (limps weakly toward the group.  He is wearing a red shirt that is covered as well with blood): Help us.  You must help us.

Ahmed: Kareem!  What has happened?  Who has attacked you?

Kareem (speaking weakly): I do not know, Allah curse them.  We were holding the memorial for Said. We were all wearing the Washed-in-the-Blood-of-the-Infidel red shirts in memory of his death by bloated goat.  Then the bullets!  They just rained from the sky like a rain of bullets!  It was a bath of blood.  I fear most of us were slain.

Galid: It is the witchcraft of the Jews!

Corporate EHS Imam: No, it was not the witchcraft of the Jews.  Do you all remember how I told you how unsafe it was to fire your guns into the air?  Do you?  This is why.  Everyone, head over there and see who you can save.

(all mount and ride away)

Corporate EHS Imam (to the Corporate Advertising Imam): That is like three seasons of red shirts in one shot.  You see why we need those recruitment ads?

Corporate Advertising Imam: Well, that contest was a bust.  We can’t use any of the ones they submitted.  Even with the free spots MSNBC and CNN promised us, we are gonna need to get an outside firm to produce the ad.  We have no other option.

Corporate EHS Imam: We don’t have the money for that.

Corporate Advertising Imam: Unless……

Corporate EHS Imam:  Oh, I know what you are thinking.  No, no, no, no…..

Corporate Advertising Imam: You just got those two grants from the Obama administration.

Corporate EHS Imam: That is exactly what I was saying no to.

Corporate Advertising Imam: The one grant to study the effects of global jihad on global warming.

Corporate EHS Imam: No, no, no, no, no…..

Corporate Advertising Imam: And the other to study the effects of nuking Israel on global warming. Come on, we can dip into that.  US tax dollars can be spent better than on your environmental research.  Let’s put it to good use.

Corporate EHS Imam: Then what happens when they come looking for results?

Corporate Advertising Imam: Seriously?  This is climate science.  Just make up some numbers that support catastrophic warming, and no one will even review your work. I bet we could get Michael Mann to work up some more hockey sticks for free.

Corporate EHS Imam: I don’t know.

Corporate Advertising Imam (sing song): Oh, come on.  It’s for jihad. The silly Americans will always give you more money if you say it is for global warming research.  They don’t even know how to turn that spigot off.

Corporate EHS Imam: Ok, fine.  You win.  But I get a cameo in the ad.

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The Secret Life of Barack Obama Valentine’s Day Edition – Fifty Shades of Grey

Friday, February 13, 2015 2:45 pm

Reporter: What would you say to those people who have called into question your moral equivalency of ISIS and the Crusades? Sir? Sir?

Obama (stares vacantly into space)

Michelle (clad in leather, blindfolded and tied to the bed): Barack? I’m waiting. Don’t make me wait.

Obama (wearing a leather hood and slapping a riding crop against his hand): I’m gonna beat you like a Muslim bride.

Michelle (squirms and pouts)

Obama: What? Did that offend you?

Michelle (pout deepens): I was hoping for the Spanish Inquisition.

Obama: So cliché. Absolutely everyone expects the Spanish Inquisition.

Michelle: That’s not what I heard. Come on. Treat me like a heretic.

Obama: More like a witch.

Michelle: Now that was just hurtful. Don’t make me cast a spell on you.

Obama: Pretending to be a Christian? I just can’t do that anymore.

Michelle: Come on. Not even for me?

Obama: Not even here. Not even now.

Michelle (pouts and purrs): Please. I’ll confess to anything. Congress with the devil. And the black sabbats.

Obama: No, I won’t do it. I can’t. That’s just taking things too far. I mean, all religions are equally untrue, uh, I mean dangerous, uh, I mean, invalid, uh, I mean valid. I guess, what I am saying is they are all equal. But the depravity of Christianity? It’s just too much for me to bear. I can’t put on that mask. Not even for you. I mean, they want babies with down syndrome to live. What kind of monsters….

Michelle: Ok, ok. I won’t push. But I don’t want to do Muslim today. Oh, unless… I know. You’re Dick Cheney. I’m Khalid Sheik Mohammad. I know where the bomb is. Make me talk. Make me squeal. What would you do to me?

Obama (reaching down to untie Michelle)

Michelle: Wait. What are you doing?

Obama: Releasing you from GITMO.

Michelle (looks at him quizzically)

Obama: You are taking things too far. I can’t do what you are asking. I can’t be Dick. I won’t be Dick.

Michelle: Why?

Obama: Because Khalid has a point, alright! Is that what you wanted to hear? America has been the big bully on the block for long enough. I’ve spent six years trying to change that. And even alone here with you, I cannot pretend to like America. Not until I can transform it. Not until America is finally an America we can be proud of.

Michelle: I’m proud of you. But tell me. Would you really have let Khalid go?

Obama: How could I not? Would I waterboard Paul Revere or Thomas Jefferson? Is Khalid any different? Clinging to his beliefs against the might of the global hegemon? How can I not root for him against our sea of black hats and black deeds?

Michelle: Even if it means the deaths of Americans?

Obama: How can you even ask that? I knew where James Foley was for weeks. And Kayla Mueller. Why do you think I stayed my hand?

Michelle: You tell me.

Obama: I couldn’t figure out a way to rescue them without killing some of the freedom fighters. Are their lives worth any less than the American’s they held hostage? How could I live with that innocent blood upon my heart?

Michelle: So much nuance. Is nothing ever black and white to you?

Obama: I can see nothing but grey, shades and shades of grey. We all stumble and suffer along in a world wrapped in grey.

Reporter: Sir? Sir?

Obama: Um, yes.  Let em be clear.  Lest we get on our high horse, let us remember Christianity is not without its flaws. Burning people alive and not embracing and celebrating homosexuality with open arms are both hateful acts.  Beheading people and refusing to pay for your employee’s birth control and abortions are both unacceptable acts.

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Life With ISIS – Ad Men Part 3

Friday, February 13, 2015 9:45 am

Corporate Advertising Imam: Let us all excuse the CFI while he goes and tries to mitigate that minor cockup. Without further ado, here is Habib’s entry. Would you like to introduce it, Habib?

Habib: No need. The video will be doing the speaking for itself, praise Allah.

Corporate Advertising Imam: Ok, let’s start it up then.

(Screen shows Habib leading a team of mujahedeen as they ride fiercely across the desert)

Habib: To the village!

Khalid: To the village!

(They ride in to the village square where a cowboy, an indian, a construction worker, a cop, a sailor and a leather-clad motorcyclist are waiting for them)

Habib: It is the people of the village!

Village People (in tandem and lisping): Now those are some macho men. What took you so long, fellas?

Leather-Clad (opens vest to reveal bombs strapped to his chest)

Khalid: Look out! He has a bomb!

Leather-Clad: Yes. A glitter bomb! Take that, sweet cheeks! (activates bomb and the square is showered in glitter. A disco ball drops and the music starts)

Village People (singing and dancing):

Young man, there’s a place you can go

I said, young man, not talkin’ ‘bout Charlie Hebdo

They have everything for you men to enjoy,

You can hang out with all the boys….

It’s fun to stay with the I.S.I.S.

It’s fun to stay with the I.S.I.S.

Sailor: Come on, everybody, join in the fun!

(Habib, Khalid and their mujahedeen enthusiastically dismount, throw off their tunics and join the dancing throng)

All (singing):

Young man, young man, come mow your enemies down

Young man, young man, crush the West to the ground

I.S.I.S….you’ll find it at the I.S.I.S

I.S.I.S….you’ll find it at the I.S.I.S

(Sound of planes overhead. Shot shows paratroopers leaping from the planes above the village)

Habib: Look everybody! It’s raining men!

(Paratroopers land and join the dance party)

All: Yeah!

It’s fun to stay with the I.S.I.S.

It’s fun to stay with the I.S.I.S.

Habib: Brotherhood never felt so right. Come party with us. See dhimmi.org for details.

(Dance party that fades out)

All (silent with jaws dropping)

Ali: Why do I feel the strong urge to stone my eyes?

Corporate Advertising Imam: Well, that was an interesting take.

Habib: Don’t you get it? It’s ironic. I was being cagy. It will lure the enemy to us.

All (silent with jaws still dropping)

Habib: Ah, it was just too meta for you. Your kids will explain it to you.

(to be continued, maybe, if I feel like it)

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Life with ISIS – Ad Men Part 2

Thursday, February 12, 2015 9:45 am

(still somewhere secret in the desert)

Corporate Advertising Imam (wiping the tears from his eyes): That was a very moving bit from Ahmed.  Thank you very much.  Let’s give Ahmed a hand.  That will be tough to beat.  Up next we have Galid’s entry.  Galid, would you please come up and introduce your commercial?

Galid: I am confused.  I did not know I was supposed to say anything.  I have not prepared any words to speak.  In fact, I would rather explode my bomb vest than speak in public, praise be Allah.  I would rather a comely young virgin traipse nude through the desert unstoned than come up to that podium and…

Corporate Advertising Imam: Ok. That’s ok.  You don’t have to come up.  Just stay right there.  What problem is your commercial tackling?  Funding or recruitment?

Galid: I am confused.  I did not realize we were supposed to choose.  I did both.  I did both in one.

Corporate Advertising Imam: That’s perfectly ok. Even better, actually.  (tosses Galid the remote)  Why don’t you do the honors?

Galid (catches remote and frantically pushes buttons): I am so confused.  Allah smite these Jew-cursed remotes!  These symbols? They may as well be Hebrew!  Does square mean play?  Or these two little dash thingies?  Why did I not pay attention in geometry?

Corporate Advertising Imam: Just push the triangle.  The triangle means play.

Galid: The triangle is the one that looks like a circle, right?  I don’t even see a circle.

Habib: I spit upon the remote!

Corporate Advertising Imam: Don’t worry.  I’ll just push the button up here on the DVD player.  Ok.  It’s starting.  Here we go.  Can you toss me back the remote?

Galid (tosses the crushed remains of the remote)

Corporate Advertising Imam (casts annoyed look at Galid)

Galid: It is Habib’s fault.  He spit upon it.

Habib: But you are the one who crushed it beneath your heel like it was the great asp of Satan himself.

Galid: You tricked me.  You spit on it first.  Surely it is your fault.  Are you sure you are not a wily Jew? Oh, shush, shush.  My video!  It is starting!

(screen shows slow motion images of the attack on the WTC)

All (ululating and firing into the air)

Galid: No, no. Quiet!  I cannot hear my advertisement.  This is only the beginning.

Corporate Advertising Imam: Please, let’s be considerate and refrain from celebrating of the ascendency of Allah until the end.

Galid: Start it over.  Start it over. You have to start it over. No one knows what is going on now.

Corporate Advertising Imam (rewinds and starts it over)

(screen shows slow motion images of the attack on the WTC)

Galid’s Voice Over: Life can be confusing.  Are you confused by the idea that fire can melt steel?

(screen shows blurry image of a man’s ear)

Galid’s Voice Over: Are you confused when you go to the cabinet and find your yeast missing?

(screen shows blurry image of man in the distance)

Galid’s Voice Over: Or open your pantry to find all your herbs are bitter?

(screen shows blurry image of the back of the man in the distance)

Galid’s Voice Over: Are you confused to discover that after you apply hand sanitizer you suddenly feel sassy and are drawn inexplicably to antiques?

(screen shows blurry image of a man’s nose)

Galid’s Voice Over: Do the jets flying overhead make your bowels confusingly clench with irritability?

(screen shows blurry image of a man’s lips)

Galid’s Voice Over: Does your tin foil hat no longer keep all those other confusing voices out of your head?

(screen shows blurry image of a man’s eyes)

Galid’s Voice Over: Did you ever visit Auschwitz and muse: bleak and drab, yes, but I kind of like what Adolf has done with the place?  Well, then be confused no more!

(screen shows back of man’s head and then pans around to the front to reveal Netanyahu. His eyes suddenly flare red.  Galid steps in front of the green screen image)

Galid: We’re ISIS.  We don’t just blame the Jews. (cocks rifle)  For information about how to join, email us at dhimmi.org or call at 202-225-1605.  Or if you are not confused enough to fight global jihad just yet but still want to help, you can send donations to:

(address shows on the screen)

CAIR

21700 Northwestern Hwy

Southfield, MI 48075

Galid: We are ISIS!  And we are death to the Jews!  (ululating and firing into the air.  Shot fades)

All (ululating and firing into the air)

Chief Financial Imam: Wait, wait wait.  That is my cellphone number and my home address.  What were you thinking?

Galid: I am confused.  You are the chief finance man.  I thought this would make you happy.  The money goes straight to you.  Cut out the middle of the man. Don’t need to give CAIR its cut.

Corporate Advertising Imam: It’s ok. We can edit that out.  We are the only people who have seen this.

Galid: Except for the 75,000 hits on the Tube of You.

Chief Financial Imam: 75,000!  I can never go home again.  I’m trapped in this hellhole!

Galid: But then it got blocked and taken down, Allah curse the Tube of You.  I’m sure it was that wily Jew-run NSA.

Chief Financial Imam: Oh my Allah! When did you post it?  The feds have probably been tracking me all this time.

Galid: I spit upon those wily Jews.

Ahmed: And I spit upon those Jews with less wile.

Habib: I spit upon them all, from the wile-less to the wile-ful!

Corporate Advertising Imam: It will be ok.  Our lawyers will work it out.

Chief Financial Imam: You don’t understand.  That isn’t the number for my bloody burner. That was my personal phone.  The one I use for legitimate business.  The one I use for our lobbyists.  That phone has Keith Ellison on speed dial.

Corporate Advertising Imam: OMA!

Chief Financial Imam: I’ve got to get to a safe house until I can figure this out!

(to be continued, maybe, if I feel like it)

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Life With ISIS – Ad Men

Wednesday, February 11, 2015 12:00 pm

(somewhere secret in the desert)

Corporate Advertising Imam: I’m glad you have all assembled together today. Your support is really heartening. As you know, we’ve taken some pretty bad PR hits lately, and it has really affected our fundraising and recruiting efforts. That is why we are here today. It is time to judge the commercials you submitted for the contest. Remember the winner gets his choice of any three from the prison pen to use as he sees fit. OK, Ahmed. We will be viewing your commercial first. Would you like to say something about it?

Ahmed: There is really nothing much to say, praise Allah. If we want to fleece the money of the infidels of the west, we just need to make them believe they are doing it for the children.

Habib: That is so true. They will do any stupid thing if they believe it is for the children. They are so foolish. You can always make more children. They are like trees. A renewable resource.

Ahmed: Nonetheless, Allah willing, this commercial I have made will really tug at the heart strings of the infidel and they will be rushing to give us their funds. Just push play and you will see.

(Commercial begins to play. The scene shows Ahmed dressed to look like Katy Perry. There is somber music playing and shots of sad-faced children fade in and out behind him.)

Ahmed Perry: What would you do if there was a child right in front of you sitting all alone crying in pain?

(shot behind shows child strapped to a whipping post)

Ahmed Perry: And what if all you had to do was reach into your pocket and pull out 50 cents to save that child’s life?

(shot behind shows small hangman’s noose)

Ahmed Perry: This is that child, and this is that moment.

(shot behind shows tiny crosses and then children struggling to climb out of a deep pit)

Ahmed Perry: These two quarters. It’s never been easier to save the life of a child.

(shot behind shows child being held down and then cuts to a raised machete)

Ahmed Perry: Go online or call this number and join UNISIS with your 15 dollar monthly gift. It’s only 50 cents a day, and it will get these children the critical help they need to survive.

(shot behind shows small feet standing on a chair and a foot swinging to kick it out from under)

Ahmed Perry: At UNISIS we believe that’s what every child deserves.

(shot behind shows a hand tossing a jagged stone up and down in anticipation)

Ahmed Perry: We know you do to. But you have to reach into your pocket and make it happen.

(shot behind shows a cage filled with children and a slowly swinging gasoline can)

Ahmed Perry: Go online or make that call now because that child in front of you can’t wait another moment.

(shot shows the lighting of a match, and the commercial fades)

Corporate Advertising Imam (struggling to hold back tears and clapping lightly)

All (ululating and firing into the air)

Ahmed: Of course, to be perfectly clear, we will not be saving any of the children.

Corporate Advertising Imam: Well of course not, Allah forbid.  We still need to blame their deaths on those whore mothers of devils in Jordan.

(to be continued, maybe, if I feel like it)

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Life With ISIS – Environmental Health and Safety Part 3

Tuesday, February 10, 2015 9:45 am

(somewhere secret in the desert)

Corporate EHS Imam: I’ve gathered you all together again because you ran off last week before we could complete the environmental part of the meeting.

Said (awkwardly runs up to the group. He is wearing a red shirt and is holding a goat pressed against his abdomen): Sorry. Sorry. I apologize for my tardiness. It has been difficult for me to get around lately.

Habib: Hey, is that Mohamar’s red shirt?

Said: It fit so well, it seemed a shame to let it go to waste, so I dug it up. It is like the EHS Imam always is telling us, reusing is better than recycling, Allah smile upon us.

Corporate EHS Imam: Well, at least someone has been paying attention. But I really think you should get rid of the goat, for now. I can see it becoming a distraction.

All (tittering behind their hands)

Said: Well, I can’t, you see. It’s kind of attached to me.

All (tittering behind their hands harder)

Corporate EHS Imam: Well, I think it will survive the separation anxiety.

Said: I don’t think you understand. It can’t leave. It is attached to me.

All (tittering behind their hands even harder)

Corporate EHS Imam: Really. I must insist you get rid of the goat.

All (still tittering)

Ali: He means that the goat is literally attached to him.

All (tittering harder again)

Galid: It is the fault of the Jews!

Said: Someone filled my tube of KY Gel with Loctite super glue. I can’t get the goat off me.

All (bursting out laughing)

Galid: But it is not Said’s fault. It is the machinations of the Jews! They hate our uncircumcision!

Said: The Loctite helpline said my skin cells will die and it will slough off in a few more days, but until then…..

Corporate EHS Imam: Allah give me strength.

Galid: The Jews are attacking our very manhood! Death to the Jews!

All: Death to the Jews.

Ahmed: Yes, yes. Death to the Jews. I agree. We should kill them all, but in all fairness, we should not add this to their list of crimes. It is not the fault of the Jews this time. I saw Ali sneak into Said’s tent with the super glue.

Ali (stammering): Um. Yes, yes. I saw me sneak into Said’s tent too. I was hiding in the bushes plotting the swift destruction of the infidel when what should I see? I saw me sneak into Said’s tent. I thought, how can I be sneaking into Said’s tent and hiding in the bushes at the same time? Such a thing is impossible! That is how I knew it was the witchcraft of the Jews.

Habib: I knew it. It is those shapeshifting Jews!

Ali: Yes! The shapeshifting Jews! The same ones who attacked Charlie Hebdo!

Habib: Yes. The same ones who have been invading my dreams and transforming from comely virgins into Channing Tatum! Death to Channing Tatum!

All: Death to the shapeshifters! Death to the Jews!

Galid: But I am confused. The shapeshifting Jews viciously attack Said’s manhood, but then the shapeshifting Jews also viciously attack those who insult the Prophet. They both offend and defend Allah? These Jews, they are bipolar?

Ali: Do not try to understand the machinations of the Jews. Only madness lurks that path.

Corporate EHS Imam: ok, ok, ok, ok. We’ve gotten way off track here. I guess we have no choice but to let the goat stay. Try to keep it under control, Said. Ok? Ok. Does everyone remember last month? What did we talk about last month?

Ahmed: Uh, the environment?

Corporate EHS Imam: Yes, but more specifically? What did Said say a few minutes ago? Anyone?

Galid: That is was the fault of the Jews?

Corporate EHS Imam: No. It has nothing to do with the Jews. Anyone?

Said: Recycling?

Corporate EHS Imam: Good, Said. Last month we spoke about our new Green Jihad initiative: Keep Dar al Islam Fit for Allah. And reusing and recycling was a big part of that initiative.

Ahmed: You mean like saving all our shell casings from the battlefield of Allah to reload them?

Habib: And using every part of the goat?

Galid: And composting the infidels when we are done defiling their corpses?

Corporate EHS Imam: Yes, yes. Those are all part of it. Today we are going to talk about other ways we can minimize the environmental impact of jihad, so that when we are victorious, the world will be one we want to dominate. Today we will be talking about global warming and the Kyoto protocol and how we as mujahedeen can do our part to reduce our impact on global warming. Has everyone heard of global warming?

All (silence, hesitant nodding)

Ali: It is when the sun rises in the morning and shines down upon us and warms us during the day?

Corporate EHS Imam: No, actually, the sun has nothing to do with global warming.

Galid: I am confused. So the sun does not make us warm? Then what?

Ahmed: Is it the fires of hell warming us from below?  Absurd!

Galid: Is it the Jews? No, it is not the Jews. What was I thinking? Being warm is good. Jews would not cause that.

Corporate EHS Imam: Global warming is not the natural warming we normally think of. It is bad warming.

Galid: I am confused. So then it is caused by the Jews?

Corporate EHS Imam: Why yes it is. And by you and by me and by everybody. Global warming is warming that is caused by greenhouse gasses that we all put into the environment.

Habib: I spit on greenhouse gases! Allah curse them!

Corporate EHS Imam: Can anyone name any greenhouse gasses?

Ahmed: Ali!

All (laughing)

Galid: It is true.  You are a greenhouse gas, my friend. On your own you turn the pool at the oasis into a bubbling spa.

Ahmed: Is that why your tent is always so warm?

Ali: Shut up, guys!

Corporate EHS Imam: They are actually quite correct, Ali. Carbon dioxide and methane are two greenhouse gasses, and they are both gasses that you emit quite regularly. All animals emit them. Do you remember last month when I gave you all those monitors to wear on your belts but I could not tell you what they were for? Who still has them? Everyone? Good. Those were monitoring the carbon dioxide and methane in your immediate environment so we could get an idea how much we were harming the planet as we went about doing our jihad work.

Habib: So these were measuring our emissions?

Corporate EHS Imam: In a way, yes. Your emissions would affect the readings in your immediate environment.

Ahmed: Yeah. Mr. Imam, I think Ali’s monitor suicide bombed itself.

Corporate EHS Imam: What?

Ali: It fizzled and sparked and flamed and melted.

Galid: Did you walk too close to a Jew?

Ahmed: No. It was his emissions. They were too much for it, so the monitor suicide bombed itself. Now it is monitoring the sweet, sweet emissions of virgins in paradise.

Ali: Hey!

Ahmed: It is true, my friend. If we could but catapult you into Jerusalem, the city would be ours once again.

Galid: In ten years when it is once more inhabitable, you mean.

Ali: Hey! Shut up guys! You all suck!

Corporate HR Imam: OK. That’s enough. Let’s not create a hostile work environment.

Corporate EHS Imam: We have all the data from the monitors, and, even omitting Ali’s readings, we were very surprised at how high our level of emissions was, especially from the goat pen. Tons of methane in the goat pen. We are part of the problem. If we keep this up, we will turn the world into a desert.

Ahmed: What is wrong with that?

Ali: Yeah. I like the desert.

Habib: The desert is paradise, really.

Corporate EHS Imam: Well, I was kind of looking forward to relocating to a more hospitable clime when Dar al Islam was established, but to each his own.

Galid: I am confused. Did not Mohammed live in the desert? Was the desert not good enough for the Prophet? So the desert is not good enough anymore?

Corporate EHS Imam: Ok, just forget about the desert. The desert is not the point. The point is the earth will get so hot that it will not be able to sustain life anymore.

Galid: But I am confused. I can survive in the desert just fine. It is the weak bones of the infidel that will be picked clean by the storms of desert sands while we laugh at their remains.

Corporate EHS Imam: Just forget I mentioned the desert, Ok. That was a bad analogy. Just believe me that the science is settled and global warming is caused by greenhouse gasses, and it is bad. So we are instituting some policies to minimize our greenhouse gas emissions. First, this is how we will be reducing emissions in the goat pen. (Holds up a large cork)

All (look at it quizzically)

Corporate EHS Imam: Said, I’m actually glad now that you brought a goat. Come on up to the front. The emitting orifice is clear, I am assuming?

Said: Of course. What do I look like to you? A filthy sodomite?

Corporate EHS Imam: No offense meant. This will not be falling under out ‘Don’t Ask, Just Stone’ policy. Ok, everyone. Pay attention. You’ll need to know how to do this. You will all be tasked with going down to the goat pen and installing some of these yourselves. There. Like that. And that is all there is to it.

Goat (baaing unpleasantly)

Corporate EHS Imam: We have a cork for each of you as well.

All (crossing their legs and cringing)

Corporate EHS Imam: But we will not ask you to resort to that just yet. That will only be a last case resort. We will first be asking you to try and limit your own emissions through proper diet and exercise. Our Corporate Nutrition Imam has put together a diet for you all to follow to limit your emissions. I’m sorry, but no more humus or lentils or chickpeas. And livestock, as we’ve seen with the goats, are terrible for global warming, so we’re going to be limiting the meat, except for this exciting new dish called Solyent Infidel.  We will be distributing the details to you in the next newsletter. And as far as exercising goes, we ask that you just stop doing it. The more energy you expend, the more carbon dioxide you emit, so we are asking that for now you mostly try and hang out in the shade. Napping is good too. We will also ask that you hold your breath until you feel light headed once every thirty minutes or so.  This way we can save up our greenhouse gas emissions for the important work of raping and pillaging.

Goat (bleating loudly)

Corporate EHS Imam: We’ll check the monitors again next month and see if we have met our reduced emission targets.

Goat (bleating excitedly)

Said: I think there is a problem.

Goat (expands like a balloon blowing up and explodes)

Said (falls to the ground covered in a combination of goat pieces and his own blood)

Ahmed (rushed to Said’s side): Said!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Said (speaking lowly) : Did I make a difference? (stops breathing)

Ahmed: Yes, yes, my friend. You made a difference to me.

Galid: I am confused. It seems like reducing emissions only killed Said. That seems much worse than living in a desert.

Ali: Death to global warming! No, I mean death to greenhouse gasses! No, I mean, what am I supposed to be wishing death to? I am as confused as Galid.

Ahmed: Death to the environment! Death to EHS! Death to Kyoto!

Ali: Yes! Death to Kyoto! We must avenge Said!

Habib: Yes! Death to Kyoto!  To Japan!

Ahmed: To Japan!

Ali: To Japan!

All (run off)

Corporate EHS Imam: Why do I even try?

Corporate HR Imam: They have a point.

Corporate EHS Imam: Who asked you?

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No Wonder Obama Can’t Get Up On That High Horse

Friday, February 6, 2015 4:30 pm

And lest we get on our high horse and think this is unique to some other place, remember that leftists and Progressives:

  • Instituted policies resulting in 50,000,000 deaths in China under Mao
  • Instituted policies resulting in 20,000,000 deaths under Stalin
  • Instituted policies resulting in 1,700,000 deaths under Pol Pot
  • Instituted policies resulting in the deaths of countless unborn babies
  • Engaged in diplomacy that allowed Hitler to consolidate power and start WWII
  • Instituted policies which resulted in the sick and the elderly dying while waiting for their free care to arrive
  • Instituting policies to ban DDT, resulting in the deaths of millions of African children annually from malaria
  • Instituting policies to ban GMO crops, resulting in the starvation of millions of Africans annually

Yeah, I can see how he wouldn’t get too worked up about a few beheadings.

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How About We Just Tax Fatheads Instead?

Friday, February 6, 2015 1:00 pm

So now it has been revealed that Jon Gruber proposed even more social engineering by taxing things he doesn’t like, namely plus-sized people. Well, I can be a social engineer too. I’ve got some things I’d like to levy an exorbitant tax on as well:

  • Ivory towers
  • Liberal guilt
  • Science! mingled with politics
  • Diet soda
  • Solar power
  • Hippies (taxes can be waived if they agree to a properly administered punching)
  • Government subsidies
  • Carbon credits
  • Windmills
  • Hipsters
  • Organic food
  • Unions
  • Signing up at Healthcare.gov
  • Seattle
  • Endangered species
  • Politicians
  • Knee jerk accusations of racism
  • Bureaucrats
  • Journalists (taxed by the lie)
  • The Screen Actors’ Guild
  • Abortions
  • Turkey bacon
  • Atheists
  • Degrees that don’t prepare students for careers
  • Illegal aliens
  • Social engineers
  • Voting present
  • Voting to raise taxes
  • Narcissists with a Messiah complex
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Life With ISIS – Environmental Health and Safety Part 2

Wednesday, February 4, 2015 9:45 am

(somewhere secret in the desert)

Corporate EHS Imam: Let’s start with a short safety video.

Mohamar (running up to the group): Sorry I am late.  Have I missed anything important?

Corporate EHS Imam:  No, no.  We are just getting started.

Habib: That is a very nice shirt, Mohamar.  Is it new?

Mohamar: Why, yes.  Thanks for asking.  Kohl’s had a sale online.

Habib: That is such a lovely red.  It really brings out your eyes.  Is that Virgin’s-Blood-Red?

Mohamar: Oh no, Allah forfend.  They were sold out of Virgin’s-Blood-Red.  This is Washed-in-the-Blood-of-the-Infidel-Red.

Habib: Either way, it is a very nice red shirt.

Corporate EHS Imam: Yes, we get it. Mohamar is wearing a red shirt.  Let’s get on with the video, shall we.  I’m going to warn you, the video is really dated, but the information is still good, so please bear with it. (Puts video in player and it starts on the TV. The TV is a really old type with a tube, and it is behind chicken wire). Oh, and let me remind you to please refrain from stoning the television. This is the last one I could find, and it barely works as it is.

(The television screen shows the ‘Safety Shorts’ logo and the title of the video: Complacency and Safety)

Safety Shorts Narrator: This is Clay Aikins, and I’m here to remind you to be safe. The workplace is full of hidden dangers, and complacency can bring them out of hiding. Let’s see what happens to Eli Goldstein when he becomes complacent in the workplace.

Eli (feeding papers into the shredder): Hey, Ben, did you see the game last night?

(As he looks away at Ben, Eli’s tie gets caught in the shredder and pulls him toward it. He struggles and screams for help. Droplets of blood splatter the screen as the scene freezes.)

All (cheering, ululating and shooting their guns into the air)

Ahmed: Allah shine upon us! Even the office machinery of the infidel rises up and cries, here is a Jew! Come and kill him while I hold his neck down for your blade.

All: Allahu akbar! Allahu akbar! (ululating and shooting guns into air)

Corporate EHS Imam: No, no, no, no, no! Stop it! Stop it right now! By Mohammad’s beard, stop firing right now! By Allah, do you have any idea how unsafe that is? Every one of you put your safeties on this instant!

All (looking at him blankly and murmuring)

Corporate EHS Imam: Oh, Allah give me strength! The safety. The safety. On the left side of your gun down by the trigger. It’s that little button. Push it in. You should always have your safety on unless you are actively raping and pillaging. That’s good. Now you won’t accidentally shoot me. Ok, let’s stop the video and talk about it a little bit. What are some of the hidden dangers in our workplace?

Ali: IEDs!

Galid: Oh, I was gonna say that!

Habib: Drones!

Ahmed: AK-47s!

Galid: I was gonna say that too!

Ali: Oh I know.  I know one, the evil machinations of the Jews!

Galid: Ali’s flatulence!

Ali: Hey!

Habib: It is true, my friend. Had the Great Satan Bush found you in Iraq, they would be cloning you now to produce nerve toxins.

Galid: You are a WMD, my friend.  Camels flee you.  Praise Allah you are on our side.

Corporate EHS Imam: OK.  Very good. All very real workplace hazards. But what are some of the more mundane dangers? Anyone?

All (silence)

Ahmed: Those desert asps?

Ali: Yes, yes. I can never see them. They are camouflaged so well.

Corporate EHS Imam: Good. Anything else?

All (silence)

Corporate EHS Imam: Well, I’ve got one then. What about germs? Preventable diseases. There has been an inordinate amount of dysentery reported at this camp.

Ahmed: That is because of the wily Jews?

Corporate EHS Imam: No, it is not because of the Jews. Not everything can be blamed on the Jews.

Ali: Allah spit upon them! It is true. I have seen it.  When the jets of the infidel fly across the sky they leave those long white clouds behind them. Those are the bioweapons of the Mossad raining irritable bowels upon us.

All: Yes, curse the enemies of Allah!

Corporate EHS Imam: No, no, no. Those are just contrails. Jets naturally leave them in the sky. They are harmless. The illnesses you have been getting in the camp are the result of poor sanitation. Rubbing your left hand in the sand does nothing to kill bacteria. You all need to start washing and sanitizing your hands. I have put hand sanitizer dispensers at each of the latrines and at both gates to the goat pen. Please use them when you are done so that we can contain the spread of these preventable diseases.

Galid: But I am confused. You say the Jews are not to blame for everything, but I have heard that the Jews have put hormones into hand sanitizer that will turn us into homosexuals.

Habib: I have never used hand sanitizer in my life. I spit upon it.

Ali: I do not want to touch man in that way, Allah protect me.  I do not want to be hanged.

Corporate EHS Imam: I promise you. The sanitizer is safe. Just use it, please. We are losing too many days to illness.  Now let’s talk about one last thing. Preventing injuries in the workplace. Statistically speaking, what are the most common on the job injuries? Anyone?

Ahmed: Exploding!

Galid: Catching homosexuality from hand sanitizer!

Ali: Being kicked in the balls by a camel!

Habib: Getting your beard caught in the shredder!

Corporate EHS Imam: All good guesses, but no. The most common workplace injuries are sprains and strains. And how do we prevent sprains and strains?

All (silence)

Corporate EHS Imam: By properly stretching and loosening up our muscles. I want you all to get in the habit of stretching before you do any heavy lifting or head off to rape and pillage. I have a stretching routine I’d like you to practice right now so you can learn it. Let me put in the video here. Just a moment.

(television starts to play Richard Simmons ‘Sweatin’ to the Oldies.’)

All (gasp)

Ahmed: Why do I feel like that man should be wearing a burka?

Habib: It looks like he has spread hand sanitizer all over his tight little body.

Galid: Death to the homosexual!

All: Death to the homosexual! (aim their guns at the TV and pull the triggers, but no bullets come out)

Ali: Our guns! They do not work. They are not raining fiery death upon the homosexual in the TV.  What deviltry is this?

Ahmed: It is the witchcraft of Jews! It is the Jew-controlled media, sending its spell upon us through the television!

Habib: No.  Stop it.  Why do I suddenly want to watch Glee?

Galid: I can feel the icy hand of the Jew clutching at me from the very TV screen.  Death to the Jew-run media!

Ahmed: Stone him!

Habib: But don’t hurt the tape.

Ali: Stone him!

Corporate EHS Imam: No. No. What did I say? Do not stone the TV.  No.  Put those stones down.

All (throw stones at the TV. None of the stones make it through the chicken wire.)

Ali: What is this? Our stones do nothing! See how the Jews outwit us at every turn!

Corporate EHS Imam: It has nothing to do with the Jews. It’s because you all have your safeties on.  When your safety is on, your gun will not fire.  That is why it is called a safety.  It’s so you can’t accidentally shoot someone.

Mohamar (shrieking and charging the TV with his knife): We will not be so easily thwarted. Death to Richard Simmons!  I will bathe my shirt in your blood!

Mohamar (stabs knife through the chicken wire and into picture tube. There is a flash as the capacitor discharges and Mohamar convulses and rigidly falls to the ground as smoke tendrils rise from him)

Habib: NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ali: Mohamar!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Corporate EHS Imam: Well, one more for the martyr board.

Ali: So, it was the fault of the safeties?  That is why we could not shoot the homosexual in the television?

Galid: It was not the fault of the Jews?

Corporate EHS Imam: It was not the Jews.

Ahmed: Ah, but how do we know the Jews did not make the safeties?

Galid: I am confused. It seems to me that Mohamar was killed by the Jewish-controlled homosexual because we had our safeties on. That sounds like having the safeties on made us less safe.

All: Yes!

Ali: Death to the safety!

Habib: Death to EHS!  I spit upon safety!

Ahmed: We must avenge the death of Mohamar!

Galid: To the village!

Ali: To the village!

Corporate EHS Imam: Wait. Wait. You have not stretched yet! And do not forget your sunscreen. And I forgot to tell you about blood borne pathogens.  No beheadings unless you wear the latex gloves and the face shields. And whatever you do, do not drink the blood of the infidel.  Oh, Allah, why do I even try?

Corporate HR Imam: It is no use. And I’m pretty sure their safeties are still on, too. I fear our board will be piled with martyrs before this day is through.  We must put our trust in Allah.  You know what they say back at Corporate: Were Allah’s might not behind us, our mujahedeen would have destroyed jihad long ago.

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Life With ISIS – Environmental Health and Safety

Tuesday, February 3, 2015 9:45 am

(somewhere secret in the desert)

Corporate HR Imam: Before we get started today, I just have a few items of business.  First, as you are all aware, the annual post-Ramadan ‘Sharia in the Park’ picnic with Boko Haram is coming up.  The competition for the Dar al Islam cup is very close this year.  Right now, Boko Haram is ahead in the beheadings category, but, thanks to Momar’s little mishap in the bomb tent last week, we have moved far ahead in the martyr category.  It looks like it may come down to the harem competition, so I would like to encourage you to work with the girls you have ‘conscripted’ to get them ready for the interview and burka rounds. Remember, for the interview we are looking for violently aggressive yet submissive, and try and make sure they don’t come across too educated.  Secondly, I’m sure you have heard the rumors. DC comics is suing us for copyright infringement over the ‘Isis’ name.  Apparently Isis is one of their woman superheroes.

All (laughing)

Ali (laughing): A woman super hero?  Allah forbid!

Galid: What sick mind could dream of such a thing?  Who would be her nemesis? Stains? A dirty floor? Soiled breeches?

Ali: Do beams of OxiClean squirt forth from her eyes?  Take that you dirty rings!

Ahmed: Oh those crazy infidels. What would she do? Darn socks faster than a speeding bullet?

Ali: Wash a mound of laundry as tall as a building in a single load?

Ahmed: Look!  Into the kitchen!  Is it a bird?  Is it a plane? It is Isis making me falafel!

Habib: Yes.  Yes. Who would want to read of Isis when they could read of that hunky Shazam?

Galid: What?

Corporate HR Imam: Ok. Ok.  Yes, it is all very silly, and I am sure we will be vindicated in the end.  But anyway, we are asking for an injunction that will let us use the ISIS name until the suit is resolved.  But in the meantime, you should have already received the new ISIL letterhead.  Please use that for all your legitimate communications.  Any questions?

Ahmed: So, should I use that new letterhead when I e-mail instruction to my cells?

Corporate HR Imam: Please tell me you are not putting letterheads in your secret, e-mail communications.

Ahmed: Well, not anymore, I guess.

Galid: I am confused.  Whenever I get an e-mail that does not have the ISIS letterhead, I assume it is part of a Zionist plot and crush it beneath my feet.  I don’t even read it for fear that it might bring down the wrath of their deadly golem upon me.

Corporate HR Imam: OMA! (muttering to himself) We go to jihad with the mujahedeen we have, not the mujahedeen we wish we had.

Ali: So that is why I did not see you at the last massacre, my friend? I thought you were still mad at me.

Galid: How could I stay mad at you, my friend?

Corporate HR Imam: Ok, enough.  Our IT Imam has all of that under control.  Verizon is on board.  You can trust any e-mails or texts you receive whether or not they have the official letterhead. The filters are taking care of everything.

Habib: But what about pop-ups?  Whenever I open my browser, it goes right to clowndating.com.  I keep resetting the home page to beefcake.com, um, I mean burkinibabes.net, and it does no good.  Whenever I open it, it is back to clowns.  No matter what I do, I cannot escape those sexy, sexy clowns.  Their feet are so big.  Have you heard the rumors about what that means?

Corporate HR Imam: Just speak to IT after the training, and I’m sure they can fix that for you.  Ok, then if there are no further questions, let me turn the floor over to our EHS representative for the annual safety training.

Corporate EHS Imam: Before I get into the meat of things, corporate has noticed some issues with your claims regarding the Accidental Death and Dismembership Insurance.  I’ve been asked to reiterate that this benefit only covers ‘accidental’ death and dismembership.  Intentional death and dismembership will not be covered.  If you are going to take Sharia into your own hands, you will need to get a little more creative when you report your claim.  That being said, let’s get into things.

(to be continued, maybe, if I feel like it.)

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MSNBC Exclusive – Snowden

Monday, February 2, 2015 9:45 am

Maddow: We have another special MSNBC exclusive for you today. Edward Snowden is live in the studio with us.

Matthews: Well, it’s not really Edward Snowden, but it might as well be. We have Benedict Cumberbatch with us today. He’s not Edward Snowden, but he played him on TV.

Cumberbatch: Well, I think you may be mistaken. We really aren’t talking about Edward Snowden. I never played Edward Snowden. I believe you mean Julian Assange, and I didn’t play him on TV. It was a major motion picture.

Maddow: Well, I don’t want to contradict you, but I did see the trailer on TV.

Matthews: And I only saw the bit-torrent release of the film, also on my TV, though I did fall asleep pretty quickly, so…

Maddow: Did anyone actually see the film in the theaters?

Matthews: Regardless, lesson learned, Mr. Cumbersnatch.

Cumberbatch: That’s Cumberbatch.

Matthews: Cumberbatch, then. But the lesson remains the same. Don’t lock horns with the crack investigative staff at MSNBC. You won’t win.

Maddow: Exactly. All the facts and opinions we share are impeccably sourced, vetted, checked and double-checked.

Cumberbatch: I stand corrected, sir and madam.

Maddow: Don’t be sexist.

Matthews: But anyway, Mr. Cumberbund is…

Cumberbatch: That is Cumberbatch.

Matthews: Isn’t that what I said?

Cumberbatch: No. You said Cumberbund.

Matthews: Hey, James. In the control room. Yes, can you roll back the teleprompter a bit? Well, the teleprompter clearly says ‘Cumberbund.’ Are you sure you have your name right?

Maddow: We never make factual errors at MSNBC.

Cumberbatch: Well, it really doesn’t matter at this point. Why don’t you just call me Ben. Much easier that way.

Matthews: OK, Benji…

Cumberbatch: No, not Benji. My name is not Benjamin. It is Benedict. Please just call me Ben.

Maddow: Ok, Edward. If I may…

Cumberbatch: No, I am not Edward Snowden. I didn’t even play Edward Snowden. It was Julian Assange. But I get that a lot. I do get confused for Julian quite often actually. NSA employees piss on me when they pass me on the street, and I get a lot of e-mails from women begging for surprise sex. It’s really very, very queer, actually.

Maddow: Don’t be a homophobe.

Matthews: But why don’t we get on to why you are here, Julian. Not to steal your thunder, but, like most celebrities, you have some very important information to share with us.

Cumberbatch: Why, yes I do, actually. As I said, I get confused with Mr. Assange rather frequently when I am out and about. I met Julian once. My portrayal of him was so superlative, shall we say, that he got confused and thought that I was he and gave me access to all of his stolen information.

Matthews: Really? Fascinating.

Maddow: Rather fortuitous.

Cumberbatch: Yes, yes, it was. And I was browsing through the surveillance videos he’d acquired, mostly Julian’s surprise sex tapes, as one might expect, I happened upon some that were much more interesting. I have here security footage of the assault upon the US Embassy in Benghazi. Footage from many different cameras placed both within and without the embassy. When I saw this, I knew I was on to something.

Maddow: You aren’t kidding. We’ve seen the footage ourselves, and it is really incredible.

Matthews: We ran it past the White House, and they are livid. They don’t want this footage to get out.

Maddow: Absolutely not. Now that the Benghazi report is done and behind them, they just want this issue to go away. But, we never let the White House dictate our agenda. We’ve been making them livid a lot lately.

Matthews: Why don’t we just roll the tape and let the truth speak for itself.  Video evidence is always reliable and incontrovertible.  But be warned.  The video does get a bit graphic and some viewers may find it offensive.

Cumberbatch: Hopefully not offensive enough to riot over.

Matthews (laughing): Indeed.  Roll the tape, please.

(Video begins. Shows robed people milling about the outskirts of the embassy.)

Maddow: So what is it we are looking at here?

Matthews: It looks like regular Lebanese people just going about their daily business.

Cumberbatch: I think you mean Libyan people.

Matthews: Preposterous. Are you suggesting people bused a bunch of Libyans into Lebanon for this? Why?  There are plenty of natives around.

Maddow (whispering to Cumberbatch): I thought you got all the extras from the Home Depot parking lot.

Cumberbatch (whispers back): Shhhhhhh.

Matthews: Oh, wait. Here is where things start to get interesting. Look, look.

(Video shows a handful of people in black cowls spreading among the people showing them something on their cellphones.)

Maddow: Can anyone make out what those people are showing the peaceful Lebanese citizens? Is there a better camera angle? Yes, there it is. You see that?

Matthews: Yes, yes. It is the Youtube video.

(Footage shows the people seeing the Youtube video getting angrier and angrier and beginning to riot at what they saw)

Maddow: They were right. They were right all along. It was a spontaneous protest that sprang up around that video!

Cumberbatch: Spontaneous? Really? It isn’t spontaneous. It is being caused. What do we know about those people in the black cowls?

Maddow: Are you sure you are a celebrity? That was smashing insight.

Matthews: Is there a camera angle that gives us a better look at the black cowled folks? (camera zooms to the shadowed face of a cowled individual.  It appears to be Cumberbatch in disguise) Yes, yes, I can see something beneath the cowl. Is that a huge nose? And a yamaka? And those weird, curly side burn thingies?

Maddow: Yes, I believe you are right. Those are Zionists straight up.

Matthews: Quite possibly the Mossad. This is a manufactured protest.

Maddow: I think everyone owes Susan Rice a big apology.

Matthews: Let’s cut to the scene from within the embassy.

(Video switches to show Cumberbatch made up to look like Ambassador Stevens on his phone at his desk inside the embassy)

Matthews: I know we are looking at the late Ambassador Stevens, but he bears a striking resemblance to you, Eddie-Baby.  May I call you Eddie-Baby?

Cumberbatch: No, you may not call me Eddie-Baby.  It is Ben. And yes, my resemblance to the late Ambassador, a hero, really, has been noted before. When my family first saw his photograph on the news, they called me up to make sure I was still alive. (laughs) Of course I was. And, of course, as an actor, I practice the art of the chameleon, taking on the appearance of the one I am trying to imitate. People can find it confusing. I’m very proud of the fact that I never use makeup to affect my transformations. Just impeccable and precise control of my musculature. Smaug, you know? No makeup or effects at all. That was just me acting.

Maddow: Fascinating, really.

Matthews: I think we are all just grateful that you use your power for good rather than evil.  But let’s get back to the video, shall we? Ambassador Stevens appears to be talking.

Stevens: No, no. Do not send in troops to deal with the protestors. They are innocent pawns. The Zionists are long gone now. No. No. I understand my life is in danger. I will not have the lives of innocent Lebanese on my hands. I don’t know that their endgame is, but if there is a massacre here, the Zionists win.

(There is a banging at the door, the door rattles on its hinges and is finally kicked in. Cumberbatch made up to look like President Obama in military garb bursts into the room)

Obama: Quick, Ambassador. We have to get you out of here now!

Matthews: I have never realized how much you look like President Obama before either.

Cumberbatch: I do have one of those faces. (laughs)

Obama: Hurry! We need to go now!

Sinister Voice: Say your prayers, pardner!

Obama: That Wyoming accent. It can only be….

(There is a gunshot from behind Obama. Stevens crumples to the floor. Cumberbatch made up to look like Dick Cheney enters the room. He is covered from head to toe with mewling babies with only his face visible.)

Obama: No! You’ve shot the Ambassador!

Cheney: Reach for the sky, pilgrim. Don’t try anything funny. I’ve no qualms about shooting my friends in the face. I sure ain’t got no qualms about peggin’ you, and I’m packin’ more than birdshot on this fine day.

Obama (begins to raise his gun)

Cheney: Uh uh uh.  Drop it. Nice and easy like. You can’t take me out without killing some innocent Palestinian babies. CNN would lap that right up. Leading a horse to water is a waste of time, but you can lead a reporter to a pile of dung and make them eat all day long and into the night. Shoot, they’d be beggin’ to eat it.

Obama: OK, OK. You win. (lowers gun with one hand while quickly flipping a needle toward Cheney with his other. The needle finds its mark in Cheney’s neck. Cheney drops to the floor, clutching his chest.)

Cheney: No. Not another heart attack. Not now.

Obama: Potassium chloride. I’m always prepared for the likes of you.

Cheney’s walkie talkie (Cumberbatch’s voice imitating a woman’s voice erupts from the walkie talkie): Big Dick? Big Dick? Are you there? Answer me Big Dick.

Obama: That voice. I’d recognize it anywhere. I hear it every day. That is Sharyl Attkisson of CBS News. (picks up walkie talkie) Sharyl. Let me be perfectly clear. The Big Dick is flaccid… and I’m coming for you. (crushes walkie talkie beneath his boot)

Stevens (weakly): No. No. You mustn’t. No one must know.

Obama: Can you stand? Let’s get you to a medic.

Stevens: It’s too late for me. Promise me. Promise me.

Obama: Anything.

Stevens: No one must know CBS was involved. The Americans’ trust in the media is at an all time low. This will crush it. Destroy the media. Only Fox will endure.  We must not let that happen.  The media is too important. It must survive. Without it….Your agenda…..

Obama: But what should I tell them?

Stevens: It was the video. It was all about the video. Promise me…..

(footage ends)

Maddow: Powerful stuff.

Matthews: Riveting, and no less factual than many historical dramas we have seen over the past few decades.

Maddow: And if you ever needed a reason to ignore Attkisson’s book about the stonewalling Obama administration, this is clearly all the reason you need. But it’s time for a commercial break. After the break, we will discuss what we have just seen with Sharyl Attkisson herself (promo screen shows Cumberbatch made up to look like Sharyl Attkisson waving at the camera). Stay tuned.

 

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