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Life With ISIS – Terror Fun Fair Part 3

Friday, April 29, 2016 11:50 am

(somewhere secret in the desert)

Ali: Hey, what is that big commotion?

Ahmed: There’s a big stir over at the recruitment area. Let’s check it out.

(they wander toward the crowd at the recruitment area where the recruitment imam is giving his spiel. Members of the crowd wearing SJJ t-shirts are continuously interrupting and harassing the imam)

Habib: SJJ? What?

Man in the crowd (rolling his eyes): Social Justice Jihadis.

Galid: I am confused? Social justice? What?

Habib: We really need to find a way to vet these American refugees.

Ahmed: Way too many crazies are slipping in.

Social Justice Hipster: The caliphate is a patriarchal, misogynist complex!

Recruitment Imam: Well, duh…

Social Justice Drum Circle Chick: Did you know that 1 in 5 women in the caliphate are the victims of rape?

Recruitment Imam: You’ve thrown that number around a lot. It’s completely bogus. You’ve got it exactly backwards. In the caliphate, each woman is raped five times. And believe me, we’re working on getting that number up where it needs to be.

Social Justice Dreadlock Dude: And where are your transgender latrines?

Social Justice Hipster: And why isn’t any of your jihadi garb gay friendly? No pink camo, no glitter? You’re all homophobes dude.

Recruitment Imam: You are aware this is an Islamic caliphate? Islam teaches that homosexuality should be punished by death. “For ye practice your lusts on men in preference to women: ye are indeed a people transgressing beyond bounds, and we rained down on them a shower of brimstone (sura 7)” And in the hadith: The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said, “Whoever you find doing the action of the people of Lot, execute the one who does it and the one to whom it is done.” The only controversy among Muslim scholars is how the execution should be conducted. Some say stoning, others beheading, others hanging, others burning, others…..

Social Justice Hipster: You can’t say that! You can’t say that about Islam!

Social Justice Dreadlock Dude: Islamophobe!

Social Justice Chubby Chick: Racist!

Galid: I am confused. Islam is a race, now?

Recruiter Imam: So the teachings of Islam are Islamophobic?

Social Justice Hipster: It’s hate speech!

Social Justice Dreadlock Dude: If it disparages Islam in any way, yeah. I have a friend who isn’t Muslim but got beat up because of talk like this. It’s hate speech, dude! It’s hate speech!

Recruiter Imam: OMA! Allah give me strength. So what am I, a self-loathing imam? I’m just reading to you from the Koran and the hadith.

Social Justice Drum Circle Chick: It’s racist, Islamophobic hate speech!

Social Justice Chubby Chick: Keep your hate speech out of our caliphate! Keep your hate speech out of our caliphate! Keep your hate speech out of our caliphate! Keep your hate speech out of our caliphate! Keep your hate speech out of our caliphate!

Galid: I am confused. So, the holy Koran teaches Islamophobia? Islam is Islamophobic?

Ali: It is they who are confused, my friend.

Social Justice Hipster: Islam is a religion of peace, dude!

Social Justice Dreadlock Dude: Islam means peace!

Recruiter Imam: Actually, Islam means submission. Complete submission to Allah and Mohammad who is his prophet. The world must submit to Allah.

Social Justice Dreadlock Dude: My World Religion professor taught us that Islam is a religion of peace. Are you saying you know more than my professor? Shuh! Yeah right!

Social Justice Hipster: Hate speech!

Social Justice Chubby Chick: Keep your hate speech out of our caliphate! Keep your hate speech out of our caliphate! Keep your hate speech out of our caliphate! Keep your hate speech out of our caliphate! Keep your hate speech out of our caliphate!

Recruiter Imam: Ok, ok, ok. Who out there believes that Islam is a religion of peace? Show of hands, please. Why don’t all of you follow me over to this safe space over here? Good. This is your violence free zone. Gather around and sit down. You don’t need to worry about hate or reality or truth here. Feel free to let your perceptions run uncontested. Breathe deeply. Feel the cognitive dissonance bleeding away. Sorry, violent imagery. Feel the cognitive dissonance wafting away. The answer, my friend, is blowing up, I mean, blowing in the wind. Here are some crayons and markers and toys for you to play with until you feel calm again. Help yourself. (walks away back toward the podium)

Social Justice Drum Circle Chick: Hey, there are some Hillary Clinton dolls. And Bernie dolls. Check these out. (pulls string on Hillary doll).

Hillary Clinton Doll: Islam has nothing to do with Islamic terrorism. (explodes)

Recruiter Imam: Ok, does anyone else feel like they need a special safe space?

Galid (brushing chunks of SJJ off his shoulder): I am confused. That space did not seem very safe to me.

(to be continued, maybe, if I feel like it)

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Life With ISIS – Terror Fun Fair Part 2

Thursday, April 28, 2016 9:45 am

(somewhere secret in the desert)

Habib: Look over there. Hamas has a booth. Come on.

Hamas Rep: Welcome. Are any of you interested in joining Hamas?

Ali: Thanks, but we’re all set. Love the caliphate.

Hamas Rep: That’s perfectly alright. I’m a big fan of the caliphate myself. We are all doing Allah’s great work. If you have any questions, feel free to ask. Help yourself to any of the literature and swag. We’ve already run out of the ‘Death to the Jews’ pins, but here are some ‘Nuke Israel’ temporary tattoos for the kids and some bumper stickers that will look equally great on the rumps of your Humvees, goats or mules. Or maybe even on the rump of one of the missuses if you are feeling a tad kinky. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more.

Ahmed (leafing through the pamphlets): Now here is something I’ve never heard of before. What is this adopt a Jew program?

Galid: I am confused. Why would anyone want to adopt a Jew? They are so expensive to maintain, and too lazy and stubborn to make a decent slave. You would get carpel tunnel from all the beating. Is not a bullet much cheaper?

Ali: Or stones? Stones are cheap.

Hamas Rep: No, it’s not like that at all. This is a fund raising program.

Habib: Oh, to help fund all your charity work?

(all laughing)

Hamas Rep: Yes. Exactly that. Charity work. Here’s how the program works. We have a tunnel that leads directly to a settlement just across the Israeli border with many Jews ready to be harvested. For a donation of as little as fifteen cents a day, you can adopt a Jew.  We will harvest the Jew for you and send you a photograph of your own special Jew. Once a week, you will receive a letter from your special Jew, usually begging for its life or asking you to implore to the authorities on his behalf to pay the ransom. It’s adorable, I can promise you.  Precious memories like this will cost you so little. For a donation of only a dollar a day, your weekly letter will include additional keepsakes from your Jew. A little hair, a toenail, a tooth, maybe an entire digit. Momentos you will treasure for a lifetime. And for a one time donation of $1,000, you will never have to hear from your Jew again.

Habib: Could I get a group discount?  What would it cost for a half dozen or so posing in an Abu Ghraib style pyramid?  Could I be the pointer?

Galid: I am still confused. Why do I want to adopt a Jew? Are you running out of missiles?

Ahmed (examining a large fishbowl filled with folded up pieces of paper): Is this some sort of raffle?  I didn’t bring any buisness cards.

Hamas Rep: Oh no. Gambling? That would be un-Islamic. That is another fund raiser for our charity. The bowl contains emails we got from Hillary’s personal server. No one’s read them yet. We just printed them out in bulk. For five bucks, you can reach into the fishbowl and pick out your own personal, potentially top secret email. Who’s in?

(All hand over five bucks)

Ali: I’m first (pulls a piece of paper from the bowl)

Habib: Read it. Read it.

Ali: Ok. Ok. Here it goes. “Huma, please help me. I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.”

Ahmed: Ok. My turn. (pulls out an email) Wow. This has a whole email chain. Better start at the bottom of the thread. “Huma, can you tell Anthony once again to stop sending me pictures of his junk. I’m sick to death of looking at closeups of his balls.” Ok, then Huma responds: “For the millionth time, those are not closeups of my husband. They are aerial military photos of the Iraqi hillside.”

Galid: Ok, here goes. I really hope I get the name of a secret agent we can torture and turn to our cause. Wish me luck. (picks paper, reads it and looks dejected).

Habib: Come on. What does it say?

Galid: It’s another thread. I’ll go to the bottom. Wow, I am confused.  There are an awful lot of typos here. I’ll do my best to figure it out on the fly: “Huma, I think I have gone blind.” And then Huma responds: “Are you sure you don’t have your head stuck in Obama’s bucket again?”

Ali (interrupting): I bet she has her head up her butt.

Galid: Well, let’s see.  And Hillary replies: “No. I can feel my face, but I can’t see my hand in front of it.” Huma responds again: “Have you tried the light switch?” And Hillary again: “This is one of the many reasons I can’t quit you.”  And Huma replies: “You know, like I told you before, you can send me texts from your blackberry in situations like this.  You don’t have to email me.” And Hillary responds: “This isn’t a text? I’m so confused.”  (Galid stops reading to comment) I too am confused?  Texts and emails are not the same?

Ahmed: Not the same Galid.  Is there more?

Galid:  Oh yes.  She keeps going: “Where am I and who are you?  Why it is still so dark?  Is that you again, oh Lord of Flies? I’m not ready to go yet.  You promised me vengeance!  I will be satisfied!”  And then Huma again, at least I think it is Huma.  It says it is Huma: “You will be avenged. Place your faith in me, give me the glory and you will be avenged.  Blood will flow like flowing blood.”

Ali: Ok, that just got really weird.

Galid: I am so confused.  And there is still more: “I am so, so cold.  Never shall I be warm again.  Saul, dear Saul.  You lied to me.  You said I wouldn’t, but I do.  I do miss it.  How can I miss something that never existed?”  And then Huma again: “Take your pills and go to bed, Hill.  I’m turning off my phone until morning.”

Ali: She is a freaking psycho! How can she rule?  The Koran is exactly right. Baghdadi is at least twice as sane as she is.

Habib: Ok, my turn now. (picks paper) Oh, this is a good one. It says Galid Al Sawahiri is an American spy!

Galid: Now I am really confused. That is me! How would I not know this?  Is it so top secret even I am not aware of it?  I must not have a high enough security clearance.

Ali: Stone Galid!

Ahmed: Death to spies!

Galid: Death to me!  Wash me in my blood!

(Ali pelts Galid with a stone and Galid tosses a stone into the air and tries to let it land on his head but misses himself)

Habib: Just kidding. It doesn’t really say that.  No need to stone Galid.

Galid: Oh, you kidder.  You had me good there.  I am so relieved, my friend.  Praise Allah I am not a spy.

Habib: Here is what it really says. Starts with Hillary: “Huma, have you seen this offensive video about Islam. It is hilarious!” And then Huma responds: “Do you realize you just forwarded that video to your entire middle eastern contact list?”  And then Hillary: “Where is that blasted reset button again?”

(To be continued, maybe, if I feel like it)

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Life With ISIS – Terror Fun Fair

Tuesday, April 26, 2016 12:49 pm

(somewhere secret in the desert)

Corporate Activities Imam: I know we are all very excited, and we’ve all been waiting for this day for a long time, so I’ll keep this intro very brief. Welcome to the first annual ISIS Jobs Fun Fair. We were overwhelmed by the level of response we have received, and there are plenty of booths and activities for everyone from the hard core Jihadist to the sympathetic widows and orphans. Everything will be running until evening prayers, so enjoy and have at it.

Ali: Hey, looks like they have a cake walk.

Ahmed: Is that real yellow cake?

Ali: Looks like it. Authentic Nigerian.

Habib: Hey, they have a Barbie booth. We just have to check that out.

Galid: I am confused. I thought Barbie’s were a symbol of the whore of the Great Satan.

Habib: Well, uh, I, uh just wanted to crush them beneath the heel of my boot, Allah willing.

Barbie Sales Imam: Not these Barbies. These Barbies are especially designed by non-Jews to teach our little girls their role in society all while having fun. Feast your eyes on Burka Barbie.

Galid: I am confused. That Barbie is covered from head to toe. There is nothing upon which to feast your eyes… Oh, I get it.

Barbie Sales Imam: Exactly. And unlike the Barbies of the Great Satan, these ones are economical. There are no accessories that go with it. No Barbie Jeep or Barbie books or Barbie clothes because, well, why? Girls have no need of such things. There is only the Burka Barbie Dreamcave.

Habib: But what are these burly looking boy dolls?

Barbie Sales Imam: Those are the Ken dolls?   What would Barbie be without Ken? We have the Honor Killing Ken. Comes with the machete.

Habib: Wow, that’s really sharp!

Barbie Sales Imam: And Husband Ken with a beating stick. And Rapist Ken and Imam Ken and Refugee Ken and Sleeper Cell Ken and Mujahideen Ken.

Galid (picks up a Burka Barbie and struggles to find a way to get a peek underneath the burka)

Habib: What is this one with the coif and the impeccable fashion sense?

Barbie Sales Imam: Oh, that is Homo Ken. It comes with either a crane to hang it from or a little wall to topple over on him.

Habib: Would it be possible, Allah willing, to get the Homo Ken with a burka?

Barbie Sales Imam: What?  Why?

Habib: Uh, um… to sneak past that wiley TSA, of course.

Galid (manages to get the burka off Burka Barbie): I am confused. This Burka Barbie still has a clitoris.

Ahmed: What? Let me see that! What are you trying to pull here?

Habib: What are you trying to teach the children?

Ahmed: Stone him!

Habib: Stone him!

Barbie Sales Imam: No, no. It is not a clitoris. It is not. It is a remnant of the manufacturing process. It is a mark left when it is detached from the mold.

Ahmed: Allah spits upon your mold!

Habib: Stone him!

Barbie Sales Imam: No. Look, look. If you just use the machete of Honor Killing Ken, you can remove the mark. It’s all part of the fun.

Galid: Wait. I am confused. Mold? So Burka Barbie has a yeast infection? Are you a Jew trying to infect us with filthy yeast?

Ahmed: Death to mold!

Ali: Death to yeast!

Barbie Sales Imam: No, no, no. I’m talking about the mold used to make the doll. And yeast isn’t mold anyway. It is fungi.

Habib: Fun guy, huh? Do you have any more of this yeast, by the way?  Or do you have a Fun Guy Ken to go with Homo Ken?

Galid: I am confused. Why do you know of these molds and fungi? Why would a Barbie sales imam be so well versed in the bioweapons of the Jews?

Ahmed: Stone him! Stone him!

Habib: Death to the Jews!

Ali: Death to the Jews!

(they stone him mercilessly)

Ali: Hey, he still has some of those Trump Action Figures. Remember these? (pulls string)

Ahmed: Allah curse you for a fool! Don’t you remember that those were bombs? (grabs the action figure and hurls it into a crowd of women and children)

Trump Action Figure: Doesn’t my daughter make your loins burn? (explodes)

Ahmed: Allah be praised, but that was close.

(to be continued, maybe if I feel like it)

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Trump’s Earth Day Plans to Make Earth Great Again

Friday, April 22, 2016 2:01 pm

On Earth Day, I, Donald Trump, have ideas not just to make America great again, but to make the whole earth great again. When I do these things, the environment will be great again. It will be great.

  • Hey, instead of using airplanes, I’m gonna have all my staff use carbon friendly travel by organic trebuchets/recycled parachutes.
  • I’ll compost all my political enemies.
  • I’ll only use organic products when fantasizing about my daughter. It’s great. Doesn’t she look great. Don’t tell me you wouldn’t.
  • I’ll stop using endangered animals as sources for my hair, and it will still look great.
  • And when I go to Central Park to let my hair run around for a bit, I’ll make sure to use a leash and clean up after it.
  • I’ll sue everyone who speaks ill of me to incentivize keeping their filthy carbon dioxide in their lungs.
  • Did you know, methane is a much greater greenhouse gas than carbon dioxide? The cure is easy. If you eat falafel, you can’t immigrate to America. The air quality will be great.
  • And if you are an H1B worker, you’re fired. Keep that noxious methane in the third world with you.
  • I’ll make better deals with carbon dioxide. Does it really have to retain so much heat?
  • Better yet, I’ll build a wall to keep greenhouse gases from illegally entering the atmosphere, and I’m gonna make Richard Lindzen pay for it.
  • Hey, if you don’t like global warming, just do what I do and leave your windows open when you run your AC. I’m rich. I can afford it.
  • I’ll commit to continue recycling my positions on the issues at least weekly.
  • When Exxon Mobil starts acting out, just punch it in the mouth. Don’t worry, I’ll pay your legal fees.
  • I’ll use eminent domain, pave that residential area and put up an energy efficient parking lot.
  • I’ll add a climate science degree at Trump University.
  • I’ll keep exchanging wives for younger, more energy-efficient models. It’s great. I recommend it for everybody.
  • Reduce my carbon footprint? Why? My carbon footprint is just between a medium and large, just like my hands and other things. It’s a great size.
  • And last of all, if you give me the nomination, I’ll stop pissing on conservative principles. Ok, I probably won’t, but I will start using the transgender or coed restrooms instead. You know, there are chicks in there. It’s great.
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Life with ISIS: Safe Space The End

Friday, February 26, 2016 9:45 am

(somewhere secret in the desert)

Corporate HR Imam: The moaning has subsided enough that I think we can get on with the final unit in this training session. I think you will all really like this section. Microaggressions. Can anyone tell me what a microaggression is?

Habib: When you try to stone someone with very small rocks?

Galid: A duck!

Ali: When you kick sand in the face of an infidel?

Ahmed: When you hurl firecrackers across the Israeli border?

Galid: When you only threaten to ravish the villagers?

Ahmed: Or when you are trying to subdue the captured women of the infidel, but they only smirk and laugh and point mockingly at your manhood?

Galid: When you shout ‘Irritable bowels to the Jews’ instead of ‘Death to the Jews?’

Galid: Oh, oh. I know. When you hold up signs that say ‘Give time out to those who insult Islam.’

Ahmed: When Ali releases only a tiny bit of his noxious fumes?

Ali: I’ll kill you for that!

Corporate HR Imam: Settle down. Remember what I have told you about safe spaces. Let’s save the violence for the infidel.

Ali: I will stand it no longer! Any more insults and I will unleash all of Allah’s aggression upon you! It will be no puny microaggression, my friend, I can assure you.

Corporate HR Imam: Ok, thank you for that segue, Ali. Let’s calm down and get back to the microaggression training. None of the things you suggested is a microaggression. Here is what I mean by a microaggression. Microaggressions are the everyday verbal, nonverbal, and environmental slights, snubs, or insults, whether intentional or unintentional, that communicate hostile, derogatory, or negative messages to target persons based solely upon their marginalized group membership.

Galid: I am confused. That whole explanation only causes confusion. What is ‘marginalized group membership?’

Corporate HR Imam: I’m glad you asked that. I bet you aren’t the only one confused on that point. ‘Marginalized group membership’ is code for everyone except straight white males.

Galid: Hey, I am not white.

Ahmed: Neither am I white. Just look how swarthy I am.

Ali: So we are all part of the marginalized group?

Galid: I am confused again. I thought being marginalized was bad. How can being a mighty holy warrior of Allah be bad? Death to those who would marginalize Allah!

Corporate HR Imam: Ah, Galid. You are starting to get the picture. Being marginalized is usually bad, but in this case it works in our favor. Microaggressions are insults upon the marginalized. And what do we do when we are insulted?

Galid (thinking): Death…to those who insult Islam?

Corporate HR Imam: Exactly. Microaggressions are still aggressions, and what is the appropriate response to aggression?

Ahmed: More aggression!

Corporate HR Imam: Exactly. We are completely justified in reacting to microaggressions with aggression and violence. It is the only way. So we need to learn to what microaggressions are so we can lash out at them appropriately. For example, if you went into an eatery of the infidel and there was a bacon burger on the menu, that would be a microaggression. Can anyone think of some other examples of microaggressions you have encountered?

Habib: When I was doing recon in the men’s locker room, and that infidel with the luscious golden locks wrapped a towel around his head?

Corporate HR Imam: Good example Habib.

Habib: So I could rape him without mercy?

Corporate HR Imam: Rape, behead, stone. However the rage of Allah directs you.  All are appropriate responses to a microaggression. Anyone else have an example?

Ahmed: When I walked into a Home Depot, and the employee asked me if I needed help finding the fertilizer and nails?

Corporate HR Imam: Good, Ahmed. Anyone else?

Ali: When someone came up to me and said, “Islam is a religion of peace, right?”

Habib: When you are doing recon in the men’s locker room and you see the circumcised.

Galid: Oh, I know. If someone tried to stab me to death with a sewing needle.

Corporate HR Imam: No, Galid. That would not be a microagression.

Galid: I am so confused.

Corporate HR Imam: It’s ok, Galid. If you have any question or doubt, aggression is always a good response.

Ahmed: When you are walking past someone, and they clutch their Jew more tightly.

Ali: When someone asks you if Uber has caused a decline in your fares.

Habib: Oh, I know. When you see girls at school.

Ali: Or not wearing a burka.

Ahmed: Or a man that is not wearing a beard.

Galid: When someone strikes a mighty blow to your neck with a Nerf sword.

Corporate HR Imam: Good. All good. Except for you Galid. That still isn’t a microaggression. But I guess the bottom line is, if you find it insulting, it’s a mircoaggression, and how do we respond to microaggressions?

All: Death to the microaggressor! Death to the microaggresor! Death to the microaggressor!

Corporate HR Imam: Good, and at last we get to the beheading demonstration. Once again, our victims are some traitors within our midst. Their identities come to us courtesy of Hillary Clinton’s personal server, praise Allah. We don’t even need to bribe her foundation for her to be on our side.

Habib: Truly. Her server is less secure than Bill’s interns.

Corporate HR Imam: Mohammad? Are you still among the living? Mohammad? No, not you or you or you or you.  I’m looking for the Mohammad that will be wielding the knife in today’s demonstration. Mohammad? Oh, yes. There you are. Come on up, please.

Mohammad (comes forward swathed from head to toe in desert camo Tyvek): You will see that I am adorned in accordance with our current gowning level II requirements. Please refer to SOP 000-128-003 rev06 for the gowning level requirements for bio-hazardous situations such as the beheading of the infidel. I can’t emphasize these requirements enough. You do not want to risk getting the blood of the infidel on you. Our scientists have not yet been able to determine how the plague of Christianity has been spreading, but you would not want to risk contracting Christianity from your victims should it turn out to be a blood born pathogen.

Galid: What? Already the Jews plot to make us catch the homosexuality from hand sanitizer. Now they are trying to make us catch apostacy from the blood of the infidel. Surely the Jews are full of wile.

Mohammad: Indeed, my friend. Now, you will want to hold the knife firmly like this, and position the victim on his knees like so. Do not jerk-

(Mohammad’s head explodes and then the report of a rifle is heard)

(The crowd mulls in shocked silence for a moment)

Galid: It must be a cowardly American sniper!

Ahmed: Run away! Run away! I mean, to the village!

Habib: To the village!

Ali: To the village!

Ahmed: Quick, Ali. Provide us some cover. Release your deadly cloud.

Ali: That’s it. I’ll kill you for that.

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Life with Isis: Safe Spaces Part 4

Wednesday, February 24, 2016 9:45 am

(somewhere secret in the desert)

Corporate HR Imam: Ok, finally we can get back to the trigger warning training.

Galid: I am confused. Did we not already have the trigger warning training? My safety is on. See (pulls trigger and bullets spray into the air. Fiddles with the gun). Ok, now it is on. I think it is on.

Corporate HR Imam: No, Galid. Your safety is not a trigger warning. This is a different issue entirely. Is anyone familiar with this term? Can anyone tell me what a trigger warning is?

Habib: Is it when the rocks and trees warn us that a Jew is hiding behind it so we can pull the trigger and kill it?

Corporate HR Imam: No. Nice try. I like the way you think, but no.

Ahmed: Is it when I warn the new recruits to never under any circumstance pull Ali’s finger and trigger the gases of death?

Ali: I warned you. I’ll kill you for that!

Habib: Truly if they pulled Ali’s finger it would be the death of us all.

Ali: I’ll kill you too. I’ll kill you all! (pulls trigger. Nothing happens). Allah curse it! I can never tell if that safety is on or off. Which button do I push again?

Corporate HR Imam: Do not pull that trigger. I am warning you.

Galid: So what you just said? That is a trigger warning then?

Corporate HR Imam: No, no, no. Everybody calm down. Remember, this is supposed to be a safe space where Ali is free to stink without fear of reprisal.

Habib: But where is our space to be free from the putrescence of Ali?

Corporate HR Imam: That is not important. What are important are Ali’s feelings.

Galid: But I am confused-

Ahmed: Shouldn’t you be used to that by now?

Galid: Best mind your words. My safety is off, my friend. No, wait. I just turned it on. So the gun will shoot now. But if the gun won’t shoot, then I am less safe, so the safety is on. I am so confused.

Corporate HR Imam: Just everybody forget about your weapons and let’s have nobody shoot anybody right now, ok, and let’s get through the trigger warning section so we can have time for the beheadings. I know we all want to see that , right? Ok, so a trigger warning is this. A trigger warning is a statement at the start of a piece of writing, video, etc., alerting the reader or viewer to the fact that it contains potentially distressing material. Does this make sense? Let’s look at some examples. Here is the special director’s cut of Schindler’s List. A trigger warning for this might be: Warning – this film contains fanciful depictions of the Holocaust that did not occur but may nonetheless cause the breasts of holy mujahedeen to swell with rapturous glee. Do not watch unless a doctor recommends your heart is healthy enough for sex.

Crowd: Death to the Jews! Death to the Jews! (pointing guns into the air and firing. Only Galid’s discharges)

Corporate HR Imam: I think you are getting the hang of it. Here is another one. (Holds up a copy of I am Cait starring Caitlyn Jenner) A trigger warning for this one might be: Warning – this film depicts the transformation of a haggard, old attention gigolo into a haggard, old attention whore. The abomination presented may induce the viewer to either hang his television or hurl it to its death from a high building.

Habib: Abomination! Why, Bruce? You were dreamy just the way Allah made you.

Corporate HR Imam: See? Just the picture on the DVD cover is already causing Habib emotional distress. Let’s look at another one. (Holds up a copy of Season One of HBO’s Girls, starring Lena Dunham) A trigger warning for this one might be: Warning – (interrupted by stone striking the DVD) Who threw that?

Ahmed (sheepishly): But I can see the hairy, unwashed buttocks of the infidel!

Ali: I am pretty sure that is the face of the infidel.

Ahmed: You mean those lumps are not hemorrhoids?

Ali: Nasal hemorrhoids, maybe.  Is that normal for a girl?  Is that why they veil their faces?

Habib: Do we really want 72 of them?  Or is that just me?

Ahmed: Death to girls!

Crowd: Death to girls! Death to girls! Death to girls!

Corporate HR Imam (dodging a barrage of stones): Ouch, Allah curse it! Stop it! Stop it! Please refrain from stoning the DVD until I give you permission. Let’s get back to the trigger warning. Warning – this film depicts pale, pudgy women without burkas engaging in relations that will cause the bowels of the mujahedeen to writhe with irritability and the loins to shrivel. May induce homosexuality in the viewers or an intense need to stone the DVD. (throws the DVD to the ground). You may proceed to stone.

Crowd stones the DVD into oblivion

Corporate HR Imam: I think you are getting the hang of it. Let’s show one last example. (holds up the Quran). The trigger warning might be: Warning – reading this book may induce extreme feelings of peace and induce one to love one’s neighbor, treating all with kindness and respect regardless of race, gender or creed. Following its precepts will cause one to forgive and return kindness to insults and affronts. Under no circumstances will it induce one to rape and pillage.

Galid: But, uh, I am confused….

Corporate HR Imam: Just kidding. Got ya! Here’s the real one. Warning – this book may induce one to submit to Allah, join the global caliphate, wage violent Jihad against the infidels and behead those who insult Islam. The subjugation of women and cruel and unusual punishment are icing on the cake. Ok, we’re almost done now and will soon be able to move on to the beheading demonstration, Allah willing. We just have to make it through the unit on microaggressions.

Corporate HR Lackey (running toward the group with the box of action figures): I think I have them all. When is the clock boy going to have them deactivated? Where do you want them? (jiggles the box vigorously)

Bernie Sanders Action Figure: Who put the Bengay in my boxers?  I can feel the bern! (explodes)

Trump Action Figure: You’re fired! (explodes)

(The smoke clears and the limbs once again return to earth)

Corporate HR Imam: By the brides of Mohammad! (into the megaphone) I need another clean up on hill 7. A clean up on hill 7.  (muttering to himself) Looks like I brought way too many training forms…again.

Galid: I think maybe you should put a trigger warning on the action figures. Something like: Warning – do not pull the string unless you are an infidel.

Corporate HR Imam: That isn’t really a trigger warning, Galid.  Just a regular warning.

Galid: What? I am so confused.

(to be continued, maybe, if I feel like it)

On a completely unrelated subject, I’m gonna have to head down to the Houston area next week, and I seem to recall that a number of the commenters hale from the great state of Texas. Are there any must see sights, attractions, BBQ joints, etc. that I should check out while I am in town?

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Life with Isis: Safe Spaces Part 3

Tuesday, February 23, 2016 9:45 am

Life with Isis – Safe Space Part 3

(somewhere secret in the desert)

Bernie Sanders Action Figure: Free lunches for everybody. Put it on that guy’s tab over there.

Hillary Clinton Doll: White water? Sounds like a microagression to me.

Trump Action Figure: If Ivanka weren’t my daughter, I’d totally crush that.

Hillary Clinton Doll: It takes a village to raze an embassy.

Corporate HR Imam: By Allah’s mighty beard, which of you are still playing with the bomb dolls?

Crowd collectively shrugs

Habib (points toward the orphan pen where the Corporate HR Lackey is distributing the action figures to the orphans)

Corporate HR Imam: OMA! What in the name of Mohammad are you doing?

Corporate HR Lackey: I thought we were supposed to give the dolls to the orphans.

Corporate HR Imam: Not until we can get them deactivated again, you stupid scat of the infidel!

Corporate HR Lackey: Huh? What are you talking about?

Corporate HR Imam: The explosions! The bloody limbs! Are you not paying attention?

Bernie Sanders Action Figure: Oy, if these debates get any longer, I’ll need a single payer catheter.

Corporate HR Lackey: What? I’ve heard your safe space speech like a billions times, so I was checking out reddit on my phone. Did I miss something?

Corporate HR Imam: The bombs are activated!

Corporate HR Lackey: No!

Trump Action Figure: Bankruptcy. Nothing wrong with that. A perfectly legitimate business model.

Corporate HR Imam: Yes! Get them back from the fodder. Just stop passing them out and take back the ones you already passed out before the orphans blow themselves up and you along with them! Go, go, go. If those orphans die, corporate will have your head on a spike, and you know I am speaking literally.

Corporate HR Lackey: I know. I know. Children are our future.

Corporate HR Imam: No, children are our weapons.

Hillary Clinton Doll: Bill’s attitudes toward women? Let me vag-splain it to you.

Corporate HR Imam: Better hurry it up. (grumbles to himself) I gotta stop hiring these stupid millennials from liberal arts colleges.

Corporate HR Lackey hurriedly chases down the action figures.

Corporate HR Imam: Everybody, let’s try and ignore the orphans and return our focus on trigger warnings.

(to be continued, maybe, if I feel like it)

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Life With ISIS: Safe Spaces Part 2

Monday, February 22, 2016 9:45 am

(somewhere secret in the desert)

Corporate HR Imam: Now that the dead and wounded have been pushed aside, I think things have settled down enough that we can get back to the safe space training.

Trump Action Figure: Vote for me or I’ll sue you.

Hillary Clinton Doll: Chelsea, get that cigar out of your mouth. You don’t know where it’s been.

Corporate HR Imam: Ok everybody, stop playing with the action figures of death. Right now. Or better yet, pass them all forward. Pass them up. Everybody. That’s right. Pass them up.

Crowd: (grumbling)

Corporate HR Imam: Ok, is that all of them? It better be. If I see anyone with one, they will be banned from the goat pen.

(a dozen more action figures are anonymously hurled toward the Imam)

Corporate HR Imam: Let’s get started then. Can anyone tell me what I mean by a safe space?

Ahmed: An underground bunker that will protect us from the weapons of the infidel.

Ali: And from the mighty golem of the Jews.

Galid: Nothing can keep us safe from the golem of the Jews, my friend. That is dark, dark magic.

Corporate HR Imam: Good responses all, but that is not the kind of safe space I am talking about.

Habib: Oh I know. A room with strong air filters to protect us from the mighty flatulence of Ali.

Galid: That is true. We should just put Ali into a dirty bomb. Jerusalem would not be inhabitable again.

Ali: How many times have I told you guys, it is a condition. I can’t help it. This is the way Allah made me. You guys suck! You all suck!

Corporate HR Imam: Ok, good. This is good. This is an example of what I will be talking about. Ali, how did Habib’s and Galid’s comments make you feel.

Ali: Filled with the righteous anger of Allah!

Corporate HR Imam: Really? And what else? Come on. You can tell us.   We are all friends here.

Ali: Angry…..

Corporate HR Imam: And?

Habib: Slightly aroused?

Corporate HR Imam: Let Ali answer, Habib. How did it make you feel?

Ali: And hurt, ok. It hurt my feelings.

Corporate HR Imam: Good Ali. And that is what I am talking about. A safe space is a place where Ali can go and feel safe and secure that no one will make fun of him and hurt his feelings.

Ahmed: I vote that Ali’s safe space be in the middle of the Negev. Surely that is distant enough to keep us safe from the wafting of his noxious fumes.

Ali: Shut up! I’ll kill you for that!

Habib: Shall I rape him first, Allah willing?  I’ll be gentle.

Corporate HR Imam: What the….? No raping.  No killing. Save the killing and the raping for the infidels. Within our own camp we all need to feel safe and secure and respected and loved. Ahmed, do you see how what you said, even if it was in jest, could have been hurtful?

Ahmed: Yeah. Maybe. If Ali were a woman.

Galid: Perhaps Ali would feel safer in a burka.

Habib: And the fumes of death would have a harder time escaping the voluminous folds.

Ali: That’s it. I’m gonna behead you all for that. I’ll do it.

Corporate HR Imam: Stop it!  Put down your sword, Ali.  There will be no beheading of anyone until the demonstration following the training. Now let’s all calm down and get back on task or we might not have time for the beheading demonstration at all. What I am seeing here is a pure example of why you all need to learn about safe spaces. Listen carefully while I define a safe space. A safe space is a place where anyone can relax and be able to fully express, without fear of being made to feel uncomfortable, unwelcome, or unsafe on account of biological sex, race/ethnicity, sexual orientation, gender identity or expression, cultural background, religious affiliation, age, or physical or mental ability. A place where the rules guard each person’s self-respect and dignity and strongly encourage everyone to respect others.

Ali: What, in the name of Allah? Fully express? Is that even proper Arabic? What does that even mean?

Ahmed: Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. What part of the Holy Quran are you getting this from?

Galid: Yeah, I am confused. Gender identity and expression? Sexual orientation? Are we not commanded to make the world unsafe for such abominations?

Ali: And tolerance of religious affiliation? I thought there was only one true God, Allah, and Mohammad is his prophet. There is no other religion. Is that not why Allah created the scimitar and the stone?

Galid: Are you sure this so-called safe space is not a filthy beguilement of the Jews?   I spit upon the safe spaces.  As Allah is my witness, no space will be safe.

Habib: Surely is Galid’s confusion warranted in this case. For I too am confused. Has not Allah decreed that there are no safe spaces for the homosexual and the infidel? Has not Mohammad said that even the rocks and the trees will cry out to us that ‘here is a Jew hiding behind me, come and kill it?’ Should we be more tolerant than these pure creations of Allah?

Corporate HR Imam: Fine. I’ll take your concerns back to corporate. In the meantime, please just sign the training forms so we can get this over with.

Galid: I spit upon the forms of training. They reek of the trickery of the Jews. Are you sure you are not a shape-changing Jew in disguise?

Bernie Sanders Action Figure (hurtling toward the HR Imam, its string dangling from behind): Marty, I think it is possible that you may be your own father. (bounces of the Imam’s chest)

Ali (whispering): So this one decides not to blow up.

Corporate HR Imam: Ok, who threw that?

Crowd (no one fesses up)

Corporate HR Imam: Any more attempts at my life and I will cancel the beheading demonstration and make the goat pens off limits for a month. I’m serious. I’ll just assume you all understand about the safe spaces, so let’s quickly move on to the last part of the training: Trigger Warnings.

(to be continued, maybe, if I feel like it)

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Life With ISIS – Safe Space Part 1

Friday, February 19, 2016 9:45 am

(somewhere secret in the desert)

Corporate HR Imam: Welcome warriors of Allah. I’m glad you could make it today. We will be getting to the safe space training in just a minute, but first we have a few items of business to discuss. For those of you who have volunteered to infiltrate the west as refugees, we have ‘restocked’ our inventory of orphans. Check with security after the training and they will issue you your fake IDs and assign you an orphan.  Once you have made it to your assigned country, please don’t forget to recycle your orphans so we can reuse them. Orphans are harder to come by than you might think. Our bombs aren’t that discriminating. Ok, they aren’t discriminating at all. And our warriors have to hide behind somebody.

Crowd: (laughs)

Corporate HR Imam: And don’t forget that following the safe space training, we will be having the special demonstration on proper beheading techniques. But before we get started, we have a special guest with us today. Welcome Ahmed the Clock Boy. With the Caliphate reestablished, it is time to bring the seat of science and technological development back to Islam, and this little prodigy is here to help us make that dream a reality. He has invented something special for us already. Ahmed, I turn the sands over to you.

Ahmed the Clock Boy: Thank you, Imam. As you may have heard, my school bomb did not work, but I have been making more inventions with which to overthrow the Great Satan, praise Allah. I have action figures of the leaders of the Great Satan that I have modified to humiliate America and bring the infidels to their knees. See, I have a Donald Trump action figure. See what it does when I pull this string. (pulls string)

Trump Action Figure: I have a way bigger d**k than that p***y Ted Cruz. Trust me. It’s YUGE!

Habib: Oh, my.  I want to be the judge of that.

Ahmed the Clock Boy: And I have a Bernie Sanders Action Figure. (pulls string)

Bernie Sanders Action Figure: Free crap. Get your free crap. It’ll only cost you everything.

Ahmed the Clock Boy: And a Hillary Clinton doll. (pulls string)

Hillary Clinton Doll: Bleat, baaaaaaaaaa! Pardon me. Sometimes I slip into my native tongue.

Mohammed: OMA! It is like the witchcraft of the Jews. The little idols of the Great Satan are speaking.

Ali: Stone them!

Corporate HR Imam: No, put down the stones. No stoning. Let him explain.

Ahmed the Clock Boy: It is not witchcraft, my friends. It is simple technology Allah has blessed us with to usher in Dar al Islam. We will give them to the fake orphans, and CAIR has agreed to distribute them throughout America where they will lay dormant, our cells of sleeper toys. They are completely harmless, or so it seems. But watch what happens when I activate them by satellite with this remote control. (pushed button on remote)

Ali: Hey, these boxes are full of action figures. There are enough for everybody. Here, we can all try them out. (He throws them into the crowd. The members of the crowd begin pulling the strings)

Ahmed the Clock Boy: No! Wait! They have been activated. Stop pulling the strings! Stop pulling the strings!

Hillary Clinton Doll: Wipe it? You mean with a cloth?

Bernie Sanders Action Figure: Marty, your mom’s way hot!

Ahmed the Clock Boy: Stop it right now! Stop pulling the strings!

Trump Action Figure: Your house would look better if it was a parking structure with my limo parked in it.

Hillary Clinton Doll: I will not rest until the man who made that video pays.

Bernie Sanders Action Figure: Oy, last night I had a wet dream about Marx and Engels.

Ahmed the Clock Boy: You must stop! Everybody! Please! There is something wrong. I cannot deactivate them.

Trump Action Figure: You’re fired! (explodes)

Bernie Action Figure: 1.21 gigawatts! 1.21 gigawatts! (explodes)

Hillary Clinton Doll: Oh, Huma. My loins are on fire! (explodes)

(The smoke clears and the limbs return to earth)

Hillary Clinton Doll (slurring): What difference at this point does it make?

Ahmed the Clock Boy: That’s why I was saying to stop pulling the strings. Once the dolls are activated, certain random phrases will cause them to rein fiery death upon the infidel.

Momar (pulls string on action figure)

Trump Action Figure: You’re fired! (explodes)

(The smoke clears again and the limbs once again return to earth)

Ahmed the Clock Boy: You fools! None of you deserves to be martyred. No virgins for you.

Corporate HR Imam: Welcome to ISIS, Ahmed. (into megaphone) Clean up on hill 7. We need a clean up on hill 7. (to those who remain uninjured) Give us just a few moments, everyone, and we will get started with the safe space training.

Galid: I am confused. It does not seem like this is a very safe space to give a presentation on a safe space.

(to be continued, maybe, if I feel like it)

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Thanksgiving at the White House 2016

Wednesday, November 25, 2015 10:22 am

(doorbell rings)

Joe: I’ll get it! I’ll get it!

Sasha opens the door.

Joe: Barry! I said I was going to get the door! I called it, and stupid Sasha did it!

Obama: It’s ok. You can answer the door next time.

Joe: But I wanted to do it now!

Obama: And don’t say stupid. It’s hurtful.

Joe (mumbling): I’ll show you hurtful.

Melissa Click enters

Obama: Welcome, Melissa. I may call you Melissa, I assume.

Melissa (nodding): I just felt it was my duty to inform you that your invitation to Thanksgiving Dinner was severely lacking. It should have noted: Trigger Warning – Celebration may involve cultural appropriation of Native Americans and their cuisine. Trigger Warning – Celebration may involve the idealized representation of genocidal, white Europeans. Trigger Warning – Food may be offensive to vegetarians. Trigger Warning – The sexist term “Tom Turkey” may be uttered. Trigger Warning – prayers of thanks may be uttered to a mythical bearded man in the sky. Trigger Warning – you may be subjected to abusive patriarchal sporting events. Trigger Warning…..

Obama: No need for all that. My very presence is the ultimate safe space. There will be no social injustice or glorification of American history here.

Melissa: We shall see, my pretty.  We shall see.

(doorbell rings)

Joe: (rushes to the door, barely beating Sasha to it. He sticks his tongue out at her and opens the door)

Cecile Richards, President of Planned Parenthood (enters)

Obama: Well, don’t you look lovely this evening!

Cecile: Oh, you are such a liar! I look positively dreadful. I haven’t had the money to get my hair or nails done professionally for weeks. I could really use some cash. Have your daughters made any mistakes you don’t want them punished for, wink, wink?

Obama: Oh, you are incorrigible!

Cecile (brandishing a plate of large eggs): Wait til you see what I brought for an appetizer. Have you heard of Balut?

Obama: Balut? Isn’t that partially developed duck fetuses, still in the egg?

Cecile: Traditionally, yes, but mine have that Thanksgiving twist. Turkey fetuses, darling. I just love working with fetuses. So versatile. So many uses.

(Stevie Wonder and Ahmed Mohammed arrive and enter just behind Cecile)

(Stevie Wonder feels his way to a piano and starts playing Ebony and Ivory)

Obama: Welcome, my brothers. And what is that you have brought with you today, Ahmed? Is it another one of your inventions?

Ahmed: It is a thermonuclear device. My father’s cell…I mean… I made it from parts I got from Radio Shack.

Obama: Well, aren’t you the little prodigy.

Ahmed: It really works, too. My father says, when we win the lawsuit against the school, Allah will bless us with many more such devices.

Joe (speaking to Melissa): So I hear you are in Women’s Studies. I read your scholarly work on Twilight. Fascinating.

Melissa: You did? I didn’t think anyone but my students read that. And I forced them.

Joe: That’s a shame. Your work deserves much broader attention. Your representations of class in Big Redneck Wedding and 50 shades of post feminism completely changed the way I examine my own patriarchal tendencies. I think my preconceived notions of gender have been a form of self-oppression I constantly struggle to liberate myself from.

(doorbell rings)

Sasha (rushes to answer)

Melissa: That is what I was aiming for. Did it make you consider self castration? The betterment of society by changing men.

Sasha (opens door): And speaking of changing men….

Bruce Caitlyn Jenner (enters): Hello everybody.

Obama: The party couldn’t start without the Woman of the Year.

Joe (moves up behind Melissa, puts his hand on her shoulder and whispers into her ear): I’ve spent my lifetime researching women studies as well. Maybe we can get together later and I can show you some of the things I learned….

Melissa: Whoa, I didn’t give you affirmative consent, buddy. Where I come from, that is rape.

Stevie Wonder: Really. Touching your shoulder is rape? Creepy and unwanted, yes, but rape?

Melissa: He just sexually assaulted me! You all saw it! The violence inherent in the patriarchal system.

Stevie Wonder (chuckling): Well, actually, I didn’t see anything.

Melissa: So this is a joke to you? I’m brutally, sexually assaulted by a repressor of the patriarchy, and you think this is funny?

Stevie Wonder: I’m not saying it wasn’t offensive, but don’t you think that comparing it to rape denigrates actual rape?

Melissa: I can’t believe you just said that! That’s not just a microaggression. That’s a macroaggression. Racist!

Joe: No, no. It’s ok. Black people can say that word!

Stevie Wonder: What are you even talking about? What word?

Joe: I can’t say it.

Stevie Wonder: You mean ‘rape?’

Joe: No. Not rape. Of course not rape. Everyone can say rape. Watch me. Rape, rape, rape.

Melissa: Yeah. White women on my campus cry rape all the time. It’s expected.

Joe: You know. THE word.

Stevie Wonder: No I don’t know.

Joe: You know. The N-word.

Stevie Wonder: What? I didn’t use the N-word. I never use the N-word. What are you even talking about?

Joe: Ok, Ok. I’ll say it. Please don’t shiv me?

Stevie Wonder: Now THAT was racist.

Joe: Denigrate. (ducks his head)

Stevie: Denigrate? That’s not the N-word. That has nothing to do with the N-word.

Melissa: Sure it does. Sounds just like it. And it has such negative connotations.

Stevie Wonder: Denigrate is not the N-word. Trust me.

Melissa: How would you know? You’re not even authentically black.  We can’t trust your feelings on the subject.

Stevie Wonder: What? Of course I’m authentically black.

Melissa: No you’re not. You’re not only colorblind. You’re fully blind. You can’t see your own blackness or anybody else’s blackness or whiteness or redness or yellowness. You don’t even know what race is. That changes everything. You’ve spent your life in a warm race-free cocoon of blind privilege.

Stevie Wonder. Blind privilege? Now I know you must be an academic.

Melissa: Do you really think you would have gotten where you were if you could see? Paul McCartney totally carried you on Ebony and Ivory. Do you even know which of you was which? Ebony? Ivory? Which am I?

Stevie Wonder: Ok. You’re right. I’m blind. I have no idea what race you are, but based upon what you have been saying, I have been able to determine that you are severely mentally retarded.

Obama: Don’t be preposterous. Why would we invite a mentally retarded person to Thanksgiving at the White House?

Stevie Wonder: I assumed it was a Special Olympics award thing. Or maybe it’s so Joe wouldn’t be the numbest hake at the table. All I know is that my special blind privilege has heightened my other senses, and my retard-radar is clanging off the charts.

Melissa: You make me so angry. You are such the microagressor. If only I had brought my muscle with me. Not even a blind black man can get away with calling a woman a retard.

Stevie Wonder: Ok, you’re not retarded. You’re mentally challenged. Feel better now?

Melissa: Screw you. Unlike you, I care about creating a beautiful future where everyone is equal and valued. Where everyone contributes according to their abilities and receives according to their needs. Where no one is labeled as mentally challenged.

Stevie Wonder: Yeah, because in your future, Planned Parenthood killed off the mentally challenged and sold them for parts?

Cecile: Heavens no! That’s absurd! We would never do that! Researchers don’t want defective parts. But that’s okay. Have you seen 101 Dalmatians, darling? Coats, jewelry, lampshades so many other personal uses for them. So versatile.

Stevie Wonder: I think I’m going to be sick.

Joe (moves up behind Bruce, puts his hand on his shoulder and whispers into his ear): You’re so brave.  And strong.  Maybe later you can come up to my room and we can reenact some scenes from my favorite movie. The Crying Game.

Stevie Wonder: Now I know I’m going to be sick.

Joe (rubbing Bruce’s shoulders): I can really understand what you are going through, Caitlyn. Even though I was born a poor white boy, I’ve never really considered myself to be white. I’ve always felt that I was something else on the inside. I’m a Palestinian trapped in an infidel’s body.

Stevie Wonder: You see what I’m saying? Numb as a hake.

Melissa: What right have you to judge him?

(Stevie Wonder’s eyes roll behind his dark glasses)

Joe: When I look into the mirror and gaze deep into my own eyes, do you know what I see?

Stevie Wonder: An imbecile?

Joe: A strapping young Palestinian. Skin the rich color of pumpkin latte and full, luxurious manes of hair on my head and on my chest. I have Stars of David tattooed on my pecs, and I’m pretty sure my name is Jaime Goldschmidt.

Stevie Wonder: Wait a minute. Goldschmidt? Are you sure you are a Palestinian?

Joe: Jaime is a self-loathing Jew converted to the righteous cause.

Stevie Wonder: So let me get this straight. You are a Palestinian trapped inside a self-hating Jew trapped inside a senile old white idiot.

Joe (nods): I’ve never heard it put so clearly. And I think the Palestinian within me might be a lesbian.

Stevie Wonder: There are not enough derogatory terms to describe you.

Melissa: You, you intolerant …uh..uh.. some kind of –ist. I’m sure what kind, but you are definitely some kind of vile –ist.

Stevie Wonder: How about we stop the arguing and just relax and listen to some football.

Melissa: I give up. You are so patriarchal.

Obama: You gave us the trigger warning. Football is on the table. Let’s see who is playing. We have the Redskins versus the Vikings.

Melissa: Ah. No. White Europeans against oppressed natives. No way. No way.

Obama: Well, let’s try the NBA then. Let’s see. There’s the Celtics versus the Warriors.

Melissa (screams, bangs her palms against the sides of her head and curls up into a fetal position)

Stevie Wonder: And we’ve entrusted the education of our children to her? (to Melissa) Ponder this. Margaret Sanger, Karl Marx, the Frankfurt Group, Saul Alinsky. All white European stock.

Melissa (whimpers)

Bruce Jenner: Now that was just cruel.

Stevie Wonder: You know. Even blind, I can still tell you’re a man. Let’s grab a beer and catch the game.

Bruce Jenner: Now you’re talking, brother.  I give up.  My show’s ratings were crap anyway.

Ahmed: Excuse me, but do you know if that universal remote came from the Radio Shack? I think you may have just prematurely activated my thermonuclear device.  I wasn’t supposed to set it off until halftime, but it is ticking now.  Father will be so cross with me.

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Climate Change is More Deadly Than Terrorism

Wednesday, November 18, 2015 2:05 pm

AP – Antarctica – The nude, frozen corpses of hundreds of environmental activists were found earlier this morning by the crew of an ice breaking ship near Antarctica. Hundreds of other severely frostbitten survivors huddled together for warmth, and a scant few were being noshed upon by the cuddly polar bears they had tried to befriend.

“We don’t understand what went wrong,” explained one of the survivors, once his lips had sufficiently thawed. “When we planned our nude climate change protest, we expected that the ice caps would have receded by now. The GCM models told us that the globe would be dangerously warm long ago. Of course, the thermometers all said it was colder than Ted Cruz’s heart out there, but we assumed the thermometers were all broken. I mean, science, right? There were graphs and stuff? Al Gore had to stand on a ladder. It was supposed to be a nude romp in the newly tropic Antarctic, right? What went wrong? Yeah, it looked all icy and stuff, but we assumed that it was all just fine, white sand. I mean, didn’t the ice all melt already? What else could it be? When the drugs all wore off and we realized how cold it felt, we began flatulating and exhaling like crazy, but the greenhouse gases didn’t warm us. They didn’t warm us! Gaia, why hast though forsaken us?”

When asked to comment on the tragedy, President Obama had this to say. “This just vindicates what I have been saying all along. Climate change is a more dire threat to the world than terrorism. Here we have just one example when climate change models killed more democratic voters in a single attack than ISIS .”

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Hillary Reporting for Duty

Thursday, October 22, 2015 9:45 am

My Man in State has forwarded me some items that might come to light during the Hillary Benghazi hearings:

  • When the Ambassador requested more security, Hillary offered to send some TSA agents.
  • She ‘accidentally’ tweeted a link to the offensive video to the entire terrorist watch list.
  • Huma assured her in an e-mail that all muslims in Libya were peaceful.
  • Based upon the NSA data mining of American citizens, the staff at the Benghazi embassy was all from solid blue states, so she didn’t need their votes.
  • Professionals assured her that the embassy was secure. The same professionals assured her that her server was secure.
  • The reset button she sent to Libya didn’t say ‘reset’ in Arabic but actually said ‘look at me, I’m wearing a bacon bikini,’ and when the button was pressed, the deliciously ghastly photo was revealed.
  • Her junk e-mail setting sent all e-mails from Libya straight to the trash, where they were appropriated by the Chinese.
  • She thought the grandma beard she was sporting would give her more muslim street cred.
  • Her sources indicated that Bill and that little tart were going to be in the embassy that night…..
  • She wanted to send more security, but having to use two devices for e-mail confused and astounded her.
  • It takes a village to raze an embassy.
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Yes, Ayatollah. Do it to Me Again

Friday, July 17, 2015 9:45 am

If you thought the Iran Deal was bad, well, it seems more like a betrayal. My man in State slipped me some of the details that aren’t being reported in the media:

  • President Rouhani has openly begun referring to Obama’s negotiating style as “The Monica.”
  • President Rouhani was granted carte blanche use of Obama’s veto power and given the master remote to all the drones.
  • John Kerry will now be referred to as Caitlyn and must always wear a hijab in public.
  • Reagan’s grave will be moved to Tehran where Ahmedinejad may spit upon it with impunity.
  • Iranian officials will be allowed to make anytime/anywhere inspections of US nuclear facilities.
  • Israel was declared a nuclear-free zone.
  • On college campuses, women may not level charges of date rape without three additional witnesses.
  • Progressive restaurant owners will not be allowed to refuse to cater gay hangings.
  • The south wall frieze of Mohammad at the Supreme Court will be sandblasted and replaced with a carving of Obama prostrate before the Ayatollah.
  • Iran gets first dibs on all Planned Parenthood fetal parts.
  • The IRS will now be collecting a flat jizya tax from all non-Muslims on behalf of our Iranian overlords.
  • The hostages from the Iranian Hostage Crisis will be returned to Iran.
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Free Trade for Me…

Tuesday, June 23, 2015 4:00 pm

My man in State got me a copy of the full Obamatrade bill. There are some interesting clauses tucked away inside:

  • The EU will reduce tariffs on US goods if the US agrees to take Greece
  • The next pressing of the $10 bill will feature “Where’s Biden?” hidden puzzles on the bills
  • Commits the US Treasury to buy up large quantities of Monopoly money and Boardwalk
  • It grants Obama the right of Prima Nocta for all sex slaves brought into the country
  • Hillary will be traded to the Bakongo tribe for a goat pelt, a pair of earrings and a lip disc
  • Mexican cartels can buy their guns directly from ATF rather than through that shady fast and furious scheme
  • The OPM will be responsible for the oversight and security of all internet transactions
  • Trade relations with the US will be predicated upon a nation’s exuberance for homosexuality (Fine Print: all muslim countries are exempt from this requirement)
  • For all future loans from Red China, red states will be offered as collateral
  • The White House and Congressional communications system will be outsourced to Bob in Mumbai
  • Price controls will fix the global price of white folk at $1.99/kg
  • Putin is granted the Kardashians/Jenners in exchange for stopping staring at Michelle’s posterior and giving Barack those scary looks
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Not Even an Eye Patch Would Make Him Cool

Friday, April 10, 2015 9:45 am

My man in State has been looking into the mystery of Harry Reid’s black eye. While no one believes the rubber band story, no one really has the truth yet. Here are some of the rumors from the insiders. I bet the truth is in there somewhere.

  • His right eye offended him, so he cast it out.
  • He was shadow boxing and lost.
  • He took ‘cross my heart and hope to die, stick a needle in my eye’ a little too literally.
  • He got beat up for jogging while white.
  • It was a bizarre laser pointer accident.
  • While calling the Senate to order, he got disoriented and gaveled his eye instead of his desk.
  • He slipped while snorting green Jello through a straw and the straw poked him in the eye.
  • He rose his fist to the sky and said, “If I am lying about Mitt Romney’s taxes, may God smite me.”
  • You know that old saying: “You never forget how to ride a bike.” Myth busted.
  • You know that old saying: “He can’t walk and chew gum at the same time.” Myth confirmed.
  • Lucifer took it as collateral.
  • He lost an ill-conceived staring contest with Dick Cheney.
  • He was at a petting zoo, and the bunny resisted.
  • As the New Year broke, he tried to kiss Sarah Palin.
  • He took careful aim with his Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle.
  • It was the result of manmade carbon emissions. Is there nothing global climate change can’t do?
  • He had both his hands up in surrender, but the mob goon clocked him anyway.
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What Difference at This Point Does it Make?

Thursday, April 9, 2015 9:45 am

Just to see if I could, I hacked into Hillary’s personal e-mail server and undeleted lots of interesting little tidbits.  Here are some of them:

  • Some disturbing audition videos she e-mailed to the producers of the film 50 Shades of Grey.
  • Excerpt from an e-mail to someone identified only as BarneyF: Please. I miss you. I know we can make it work. Don’t I look like a man?
  • Repeated e-mails to Anthony Weiner threatening to tell Huma if he didn’t text her better pics.
  • Excerpt from e-mail: Stone’s on to us. You must ‘relocate’ the brain again.
  • Confusing e-mails from the US District Attorney’s office stating that the DNA staining Monica’s Blue dress was not of earthly origins.
  • Pleas made to several psychiatrists asking if they could help her develop multiple personality disorder, hopefully gaining some personalities that were actually interesting and likable.
  • Way to many cosplay selfies of her dressed up as Gleek.
  • An e-mail from Baal13: Of course you don’t have my support for 2016, you stupid twit!  We had an agreement, and Gosnell didn’t make quota, so unless you can make up the difference……and don’t try and pawn that vapid Chelsea off on me again.  She ain’t worth a dangling chad.
  • Lots of sexy ankle shots were e-mailed to Middle Eastern dictators.
  • E-mails suggesting that she spent millions of State Department funds helping a Nigerian prince.
  • Repeated e-mails to Michael Mann complaining that a hockey stick was a terrible symbol for warming.
  • An e-mail from AyatollahK: Have received your ‘donation.’  Precisely which ‘red’ cities do you need ‘terrorized to extinction’ in order to swing the electoral college your way?
  • Heated arguments back and forth with the potential publisher of her next book, It Takes a Potemkin Village.
  • Excerpt from e-mail sent to Putin99: You know how to press all of my ‘reset’ buttons. I want you to take your shirt off and ride me like that bear.
  • Really odd footage of her and her staff partying with Ovaltine and illegal prescription laxatives.
  • An e-mail from Baghdadi77: re: our arrangement, I am confused.  When you said you wanted Ted Cruz’s head on a plate, was that figurative or literal?
  • An e-mail to The_Jackal: We’ll always have Benghazi!!!!!
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Mister Ahmedinejad’s Neighborhood

Wednesday, April 8, 2015 9:45 am

(Music is playing as the scene pans over a cardboard replica of Tehran)

Mr. Ahmedinejad: (opens the door and enters holding a long yellow box, singing and swapping his suit coat and dress shoes for a sweater and sneakers)

It’s a beautiful day for a martyrdom,

A beautiful day for a jihad.

Would you be mine?

Could you be mine?…

It’s a jihadi day in this beauty wood,

A jihadi day for a beauty.

Would you be mine?

Could you be mine?…

I have always wanted to have a martyr just like you.

I’ve always wanted to live in a caliphate with you.

So, let’s make the most of this beautiful day.

Since we’re together we might as well say:

Would you be mine?

Could you be mine?

Won’t you be my martyr?

Won’t you please,

Won’t you please?

Please won’t you be my martyr?

Mr. Ahmedinejad: Hi neighbor. Glad we could be together again. Can you imagine what might be in this box? I’ll give you a hint. He works in the Speedy IED Delivery service. (opens box and removes a doll dressed like a mujahideen) Of course it’s not the real Mr. McJihadi, but it’s a doll that looks like him. See his scraggly beard and suicide vest and AK-47. His ‘Speedy IED Delivery’ cap. One of my neighbors likes to use her imagination and her hands to make dolls to rain death upon the enemies of Allah. She made this one for Mr. McJihadi, and he loaned it to me. Can you use your imagination and think of ways this doll could be used to rain death upon the Jews? That’s right. You could put a bomb in it. Or anthrax. Or depleted uranium. Or fill it with acid and hang it from a tree at that girls’ school down the street and leave a piñata whacking stick by it. That would teach those little girls not to whack a piñata like a boy or to be educated. There are lots of things you can do with your hands and a little imagination.

Let’s look at the magic Picture Picture. Can you do these things with your hands?

(Picture Picture depicts people wiring bombs, trying on suicide vests, firing RPGs, stoning rape victims, hanging homosexuals, beheading hostages, lighting pilots on fire)

Mr. Ahmedinejad: Wasn’t that interesting, neighbor. There are so many things you can do with your hands. Next week I would like you to steal your big sister’s cellphone and I will show you how to use it as a detonator.

Oh, what’s that neigbor? Do you hear the trolley coming? Nope, I don’t either. That’s because the IDF blew up your beloved trolley with drones. Isn’t that sad, neighbor? They claimed Hamas was hiding weapons on the trolley. But that was a lie. There were no weapons on the trolley. Thanks to Hillary Clinton’s insecure e-mail server, Hamas was able to hear about the attack in advance and move the weapons from the trolley to the maternity ward at OBL General Hospital. So don’t worry, neighbor. Our weapons are safe and the lucky martyrs on the trolley are enjoying a big roll in the hay in paradise. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to go to paradise?

But speaking of Hillary Clinton, is there a lesson we can learn from her, neighbor? That’s right. She is an example of what the Quran teaches us about women. They should always wear a burka, they shouldn’t be put in charge and their testimony can’t be trusted.

But with the trolley destroyed, we will have to walk to the Land of Conspiracy Theory. Follow me along the tracks, neighbor, and keep an eye out for King Bibi’s dreaded golem.

(scene changes to the Land of Conspiracy Theory. Martyr-Artyr is kneeling over Daniel Tiger of Allah who is lying in a ditch)

Martyr-Artyr: Oh my Allah! Are you alright? What happened to you Daniel Tiger of Allah?

Daniel Tiger of Allah (speaking weakly): Martyr-Artyr? Is that you? Praise Allah you have come.

Martyr-Artyr: Please, you must tell me what happened? Who did this to you?

Daniel Tiger of Allah: It was King Bibi. He took my kidneys again. And some of my blood. I think the blood is for his Passover matzo ball soup.

Martry-Artyr: Quick. I must get you to Lady Elaine so she can heal you with her Boomerang-Toomerang-Soomerang.

Daniel Tiger of Allah: It is too late, Allah curse King Bibi. Lady Elaine tried to heal me, but King Bibi stole her magic boomerang and burned her for being a witch.

Martyr-Artyr: No, there must be a way.

Daniel Tiger of Allah (looking off in the distance): Why, yes, I would like another date. What? You say there are seventy-one more just like you waiting for me over by that oasis……(death rattle)

(Martyr-Artyr keens and then hears sobbing nearby and he goes toward it to find Donkey Hodie curled up on the ground in the fetal position)

Donkey Hodie: Just go away and leave me alone.

Martyr-Artyr: It was King Bibi again, wasn’t it?

Donkey Hodie: Just go away.

Martyr-Artyr: It okay. You aren’t a woman. I won’t stone you if you tell me what happened.

Donkey Hodie: King Bibi gave me some brownies. I think there was something in them that made me a homosexual. It was all a blur. I can hardly remember anything. My loins were aflame. But I don’t love him. I don’t even find him attractive. I don’t love him. Oh, what did he do to me?  Who will have me now? (weeping)

Martry-Artyr: Why did you tell me you were gay?

Donkey Hodie: No.  I’m not.  It was just the brownies.  I got better.

Martyr-Artyr: It is no matter.  I was wrong about that woman thing I said.  Turns out I must stone you after all for being gay.  My bad.

Donkey Hodie: No!  Please!

Martyr-Artyr (after he is done stoning): But that is the straw that breaks the back of my camel. I am sorry my friend.  I will avenge you Donkey Hodie. It is time to put an end to that tyrant. Come everybody! To Castle Israel!

(All the inhabitants of the Land of Conspiracy Theory raze the castle to the ground, hang King Bibi from a tree and set him ablaze as he screams pleasingly)

(Scene changes back to Mr. Ahmedinejad’s living room)

Mr. Ahmedinejad: I just want to make it clear, neighbor, that we didn’t burn the real Bibi. Not yet. That monster and his pig-dog minions are still out there waiting to get you. Unless you can find a way to stop them.  That is all the time we have today, but we will be together next time, unless, of course, you have become a good little martyr. That would give me a really good feeling.

(singing)

It’s a good feeling

Such a happy feeling

It’s such a good feeling to know you’re not alive.

It’s such a happy feeling

You’re exploding outside.

And when you wake up ready to say

I think I’ll make a bloody new day

It’s such a good feeling,

A very good feeling,

The feeling you know that you’re my martyr.

It’s a good feeling

It’s a happy feeling

It’s such a good feeling

To know you’ve found doom.

It’s such a happy feeling to find that you’ve gone kaboom

And when you wake up ready to say

I think I’ll make a bloody new day.

It’s such a good feeling,

A very good feeling,

The feeling you know that you’re my martyr.

And I’ll be back

When the day is new

And I’ll have more ideas for you.

And you’ll have things you’ll want to blow up too.

I will too.

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Obama in Iran

Tuesday, April 7, 2015 9:45 am

If you are wondering why Obama has managed to negotiate a deal with Iran that doesn’t make much sense, well, here are some other things Obama did during the negotiations that didn’t make much sense either:

  • Obama gifted President Rouhani with a honey-baked ham and a case of bourbon.
  • When introduced to the Ayatollah, Obama exclaimed, “You’re not the real Santa,” and began tugging on his beard.
  • He kept assuring the Iranians that if they liked their centrifuges they could keep their centrifuges, only he wasn’t lying this time.
  • He called the receptionist at his hotel front desk to complain that there wasn’t a free Gideon Bible in his room and that he couldn’t understand the book that was in the drawer of his nightstand because it was written in squiggly and could he please get another one because he accidentally started this one on fire but it was okay because he also accidentally dropped it in the toilet after attempts to put out the flames with spit and urine failed.
  • He presented President Rouhani with a novelty button with a caption that was supposed to read “Reset” in Arabic. However, due to a translation error, the caption actually read: “What? You expect me to believe that ham, bacon and pork chops all come from the same magical animal?”
  • He kept asking the Egyptian delegate to explain to him how the Egyptian cotton industry could thrive without slavery and mentioning that he had a lot of unemployed honkies he could sell him on the cheap.
  • As he was settling down in President Rouhani’s private jet, he suddenly yelled, “Wanna see some mother huggin’ snakes on this mother huggin’ plane?” Then he threw down his staff, looked confused when nothing happened and then began mumbling something about that being the last time he ever believed something a Bush told him.
  • He kept telling everyone that for Lent he had given up Christianity.
  • He was heard whispering to President Rouhani, “You know, since all these women look alike clad in burkas, it would be easy to accidentally take the wrong ones home with us. (wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more, say no more).”
  • He was overheard arguing with the Customs Agent. “It’s an honest mistake. With all I hear about people constantly getting stoned in this country, I thought it was obligatory that I bring my own pot and heroin.”
  • For days he refused to entreat with anyone but Marduk.
  • He began every speech by quoting John 3:12.
  • During lunch he was heard asking the Egyptian delegate, “You can be straight with me. Do you ever regret letting those people go?”
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Camp Hillary

Friday, March 20, 2015 5:15 pm

Things Hillary has planned for her adult fun camps

  • Frontal lobotomies
  • Laundering her foreign donations
  • White Water activities
  • A double elimination tournament of Pin the Cigar on the Intern
  • Crafting all those handmade leather Vote for Hillary wallets
  • Shredding, shredding, shredding
  • Classes on how to carry two phones at once
  • Relaxing crayon time with her special connect the dots edition of The Vagina Monologues Coloring Book
  • First aid training for those who can’t afford healthcare on the exchanges
  • Archery competitions involving hunting homeless men who have been dressed like Ted Nugent
  • Flag burning for beginners
  • Extinguishing burning flag burners for beginners
  • The First Annual Symbolism over Substance hot dog chopping competition

 

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Life With ISIS – Open Enrollment The End

Wednesday, March 11, 2015 9:45 am

(somewhere secret in the desert)

Corporate HR Imam: Before we get into the benefits, I want to quickly remind everyone that if you want to be part of the marriage raffle, please get your tickets into the bucket.  We will be drawing as each daughter exits the genital mutilation tent.

Habib: And how many tickets may we enter again?

Corporate HR Imam: Everyone is allowed four wives in total, so you may enter the number of tickets equal to 4 minus the number of current wives you have.

Galid: Wait a minute.  I am confused.  No one said there would be maths.  Death to story problems!  I mean, I can count to twenty-one if I remove my breeches, but how do you expect me to do those subtractions?  Do I look like an autism to you?

Ali: Where is Rainmomar when you need him?

Rainmomar (mumbling): 2 minutes to drone strikes.  Definitely, definitely 2 minutes.

Corporate HR Imam: If you have any problems figuring it out, just put in four tickets. If in the end you end up with more than four wives, there are plenty of stones around. We can remedy it.  But let’s deal with that when the time comes. We have some very exciting new benefits now that the caliphate is established. As I mentioned before, under Sharia Law you will all be receiving free healthcare, and I think we can all agree that that is a big f—ing deal.

Galid: Does it cover pre-existing conditions? My daughter can tell you, I have a terrible case of crotch rot.

Corporate HR Imam: Pre-existing conditions will be covered, post-existing conditions will not.  But let’s try and hold off on the questions until the end.  Under Sharia Health Care, or SHC, you are covered for all health issues or treatments mentioned in the Quran.  Anything else would just be ungodly.  We’ll be passing out Qurans to everyone so you can finally read it and see what is in it.

Ahmed: I have a question.  What about my sleepers in America?  They are part of the caliphate, yes?  Are they covered under SHC?

Galid: Yes, everyone in my cells was forced to buy insurance on the exchanges.  It cost so much they could not afford the explosives.  Obamacare alone stopped all of my scheduled attacks for 2014, Allah spit upon it.  Obamacare sounds like a Jewish conspiracy to me.

Corporate HR Imam: We have been made aware of those issues, and we will provide all our sleepers with SHC proof of insurance, so that should solve that problem going forward. I mean, that really is money down the tubes.  How healthy does someone have to be to blow themselves up?

Ali: That is very good news.  Obamacare didn’t even cover my sleeper’s health needs.  Obama said he could keep his doctor if he liked this doctor, but under Obamacare, the old crone he used to go to isn’t even considered a doctor.  It is crazy!

Ahmed: Yes.  And my sleeper’s monthly leachings and bloodletting are not even covered. And they claimed preventative medicine was important.

Ali: Exactly.  It requires to pay for birth control, but then it does not pay to have a camel kick that pregnant whore in the belly or for the supplies needed for the honor killing.  Obamacare does not care about the health of our people.

Galid: Obamacare is racism straight up!

Ali: Death to Obamacare!

Ahmed: Death to America!

(all ululating and shooting guns into the air)

Rainmomar (mumbling): 30 seconds to drone attack.  28 seconds (starts hitting himself on the head and running away)

Corporate HR Imam: Ok, calm down everyone.  Please calm down.  Can some of you go and bring back Rainmomar?

(Galid, Habib, Ali and Ahmed run after Rainmomar as the drones fly in and attack.  There are many minutes of wanton destruction)

Corporate HR Imam: Praise Allah the medical coverage isn’t effective until 3/15.  This would break us.

Rainmomar (looking over the aftermath of the attack): 43,569 mujahideen left.  Definitely 43,569.  Paradise definitely needs 478,656 more virgins.  Definitely 478,656.

 

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