Archive of entries posted by Lactose the Intolerant

IMAO Time Machine: EPA Issues Injunction Against Santa Claus

Posted by on

Lactose the Intolerant posted this in 2013. — The Editors

AP – (North Pole) – EPA regulators paid a visit to good ole Saint Nick early this morning to serve him an injunction ordering him to cease and desist all operations pending the outcome of their inspection and investigation into his negative environmental impact.  He is accused of polluting the atmosphere with carbon dioxide and other greenhouse gases and encouraging additional carbon dioxide pollution within the US and worldwide.  He is specifically charged with the overt and excessive distribution of coal, a notorious carbon dioxide emitter, to naughty girls and boys who would undoubtedly light up the world-destroying coal while they are naughtily playing with magnifying glasses, matches or other combustibles.  He is further charged with operating reindeer-powered vehicles that are also notorious greenhouse gas emitters, exhausting primarily methane gas which is a more powerful greenhouse gas than the more widely recognized carbon dioxide.

Michael Mann, the environmental scientist responsible for creating the hockey stick graph, has this to say regarding the actions the EPA took this morning: “This action has surely been a long time coming.  Having reviewed the data, it is abundantly clear that action needs to be taken against this brazen polluter.  He is distributing millions of tons of coal worldwide, and he is distributing it via reindeer propulsion.  Think about the length of the flight path.  He is flying to every single house in the world, undoubtedly leaving Rudolph and company idling on the rooftops while he is inside.  That is an astronomical amount of methane emissions. I’m tempted to abandon the idea of anthropogenic global warming and replace it with the idea of Santagenic global warming.  In terms of the environment, Santa is definitely at the top of my naughty list.  What will the repercussions of this injunction be?  Will this mean millions of heartbroken children Christmas morning?  Absolutely.  But we all need to sacrifice for the good of the planet. Besides, if I never got my little red wagon, neither should any of they.”  But he then had to cut his remarks short because he had to meet Leonardo Dicaprio at the airport to take his private jet to Switzerland for the next conference.

Santa was not available for comment, but an unrepentant Mrs. Claus had this to say before she was also hurried into custody: “I say fiddlesticks to the whole lot of you.  If you were stuck up here, you’d want some warming too.  It’s been ages since I’ve put on my bathing suit. We will not rest! We will not stop!  This will not end until the whole world has been transformed back into a lush, tropical paradise from pole to pole!  Viva la warming!”

IMAO Time Machine – A Washington DC Christmas Carol – Part 2

Posted by on

Lactose the Intolerant posted this in 2013. — The Editors

(The clock strikes 1 PM and a ghostly apparition appears before Barack)

Barack: JFK?  Is that you?  It is you. I can’t believe it is you. You are supposed to be my hero.

JFK: I know.  I know.  Wait….Supposed to be?

Barack: Well, yeah.  So I’ve heard.  Once I was born, all other heroes just naturally faded into the background, but I heard people liked you and stuff. I never saw the movie myself, so….well, I heard you were good in it.

JFK: Ok, ok, let’s just move this along, then.  I can’t believe I have to sit through another Christmas Carol ripoff.  Get some imagination people.  Where’s the ghost of Lee Harvey Oswald when you need him?  Ok, follow me.  It’s this way.  Just back and to the left.  That’s right, back and to the left.  Back and to the left.  No, your other left.  Just follow me!

(They are suddenly whisked away and appear back at the White House Christmas party)

JFK: No one can see you, of course.  You are just here to observe and see what you can learn about the true meaning of Christmas.

Barack: Dude, this is so wrong.  I can’t even grab the champagne or nothing. I’m not sure I can endure this sober.

JFK: Just pay attention for once.  I’m not thrilled about this either.  There, why don’t you check in on Joe?

(Drifts over to where Joe is speaking to Nancy)

Joe (drunkenly): And you can’t say I’m not doin’ nothin’ anymore, neither. Barack just put me in charge of plannin’ for the War on Christmas.  Yeshh, it’s true.  It is. And I have plans.  Lots of plans.  I’m gonna start this off with coordinated drone attacks on all of the mall Santas.  I mean, they can’t all be body doubles, right.  We’ll nail the real one eventually.  And I’m gonna idle my car all the time.  Melt that North Pole right out from under him.  Drown him with all the polar bears.  Collateral damage.  Acceptable losses. That’s what the armies call it.  Acceptable losses.  And I know how to fund it too.  Been goin’ to the pounds and scooping up all of the golden retrievers.  You know with the price of gold bein’ what it is, once they retrieve it all, we’ll be rich, I tell ya.  But there’s more.  There’s more.  I was smart.  Always thinkin’.  Bought all the munitions during the Black Friday sales.  Went shoppin’ with Paula Deen.  Though she didn’t call it Black Friday.  I can’t tell you what she called it, but it wasn’t Black Friday.  And that’s not all.  Not all.  Not all at all. I’m in charge of all holiday related, uh, stuff and stuff.  Like Halloween fightin’.  Like the zombie apocalypse.  Preparing for that, too.  First thing I gots to do is dig up all the corpses and tie their shoelaces together. Gives us a better chance of runnin’ away from them, cause they’ll all be trippin’ and stuff. And I’d tell you about the upcoming Valentine’s Day massacre, but, shhhhhhhhhhh,  it’s a secret. You’ll have to be a part of the massacre so you can know what is in it, so kind of right up your alley.  You want to be part of the massacre?

JFK: Please tell me that you are planning on changing the Constitution so that isn’t your successor

Barack: Sad thing is, he’s more lucid when he’s drunk. You should hear what he says when he is sober.  Take me somewhere else.  Please.  There’s Kerry and Bill over there.

Kerry: What’s up with that umbrella?  Is it really working?

Bill (holding an umbrella over his head made entirely of mistletoe): Oh this.  Oh, no.  I don’t need this to get a kiss. But it keeps Hill away.  It’s like Hillary repellent XXS or something. Gives me my space.

Kerry: It’s luring me in, though.  Pucker up, I’m coming in.

Bill: You can’t kiss me with those lips.  They’re still stuck to the Ayatollah’s ass.  But did I tell you? I recently moved in with my girlfriend.  Don’t tell her.  She doesn’t know.  And neither does her husband.  I tell you, there is nothing like the feeling of waking up next to the woman you love, even if she doesn’t know that you love her or that you are even in her house.  But anyway, when I would creep into her room and watch her change, I kept noticing these bruises on her and stuff. So what is my first thought?  Domestic abuse, right?  Am I right?  Of course I’m right.  So I sit her down and say, I know this is a touchy subject and it may not be any of my business, but I think you really need to try and be less obnoxious. I mean, really.  You can be very annoying.  A lot of the time I want to smack you around too.  But really, I can feel your pain.  I can feel your pain.

Kerry: You know, they say that women have a higher threshold for pain than men.

Bill: But what good is that if their threshold for complaining about it is so much lower?  You know what I mean?  But anyway, you read that Fifty Shades of Grey yet?

Kerry: No, but did you hear that Al said it was a ripoff of his and Tipper’s love life?

Bill: No way.  But the scary thing I heard was that they did a study and found that every copy of that book in the world had traces of cocaine and herpes on it.  Every copy.  True story.

Kerry: And you know that 70% of people who catch herpes get it from someone with no visible signs of an outbreak.  Sibelius told me that one. So I know it is true.  But the really scary thing is that means the 30% of people who contract herpes get it from someone with visible signs.  That’s just frightening.

Bill: And that, my friend, is why you always keep the lights on.  And it is why foreplay is so important.  If you are getting it on, and it feels like you are reading The Audacity of Hope in braille, run for the door.  Run for the door and don’t look back.

Obama: I’m so confused, dude. What exactly was I supposed to learn from this?  This is the same stuff I see from them every day.

JFK: I haven’t got a clue. The Powers That Be really didn’t think this one through at all it seems.  No planning or follow up from the chief executive, apparently.  I guess everyone just assumed the Dickensian template just always worked on its own.  Major foul up here. Which God do you worship again?

Obama: Myself, of course. Duh, dude.  Who else is worthy of my reverence?

JFK: Ah, no wonder this was such a monumental cluster.  You were ultimately in charge of this whole thing.  Did you have any meetings about this at all?

Obama: Cha!  I’m too smart to deal with details.  That’s what the serfs are for.  It’s not like I’m going to show up to a meeting about something called Obamacarol.  That just sounds downright racist to me.  Especially when it was such a monumental failure.  I don’t want my fingerprints all over that train wreck.  Maybe we should call it the Awful Christmas Act or something else less racist.

JFK: You’re hopeless.  There is apparently no hope that you will ever change. This is absurd. I’m not wasting my time anymore.  Enjoy your next visit.  See you in a few months. (fades away)

Obama:  Hey, wait a minute.  You have time for a quick selfie?  Wait, what? A few months?  Wait? What? That means you’re coming back, right?

(To be continued, maybe, if I feel like it)

Sadly, Lactose the Intolerant never got around to making Part 3. However he did … well, that’s for another day. If I feel like it. — The Editors

IMAO Time Machine – A Washington DC Christmas Carol – Part 1

Posted by on

Lactose the Intolerant posted this in 2013. — The Editors

[Barack is leaving the White House Christmas party early]

Barack: Merry Chriskwanzakah, dudes.  I got to go sleep this one off.

 Joe: You totally can’t say that, dude.  It’s offensive.  You totally left out the Muslims.

 Barack: It’s not my fault we don’t celebrate Ramalamadingdong in December this year.  Stupid lunar calendar.  I’m going to bed.  Later, dude.

[Stumbles into his bedroom to find the ghost of Nelson Mandela waiting impatiently for him]

Nelson (in a moaning voice): Barack Obama……

Barack: Cha!  Dude, you aren’t real, dude.  You’re like, a spot of undigested beef or that crapload of blue meth I just like totally did.

Nelson: I am most certainly not a bad trip, mon.

Barack: You are so totally a bad trip, MON.  Nelson Mandela would only speak Jamaican in one of my hallucinations.  Kind of like Obamacare would only work in one of my hallucinations, mon.  That is usually how I can tell reality from hallucinations.  If I can log on to healthcare.gov, then I know I’m, like, totally tripping, dude.

Nelson (points ominously at the laptop screen showing the crashed healthcare.gov website)

Barack: Duuuuuuuude…….Ok, so maybe you are real, but what is with all that ugly, cheap ass bling, dude?  Chains are supposed to be gold and shiny and junk, not all that ugly cast iron junk you are all dragging around and stuff.

Nelson: Well, here’s da ting, mon.  De afterlife isn’t dat much different than da mortal life.  Let me give you a little tip.  Just like in the real life, if you want to avoid going to jail and ending up in dese here chains, try really hard not to be black or Hispanic. Boy, day sure have a lot of chains waiting dere for you, mon.

Barack: If you say so.  You sure you ain’t been toking a bit too much of the ganja yourself, dude.  But, dude.  While I got you here, I totally have a question for you, dude.  Answer me this.  Answer me this.  Answer me this.  I have a bet with Joe about this one.  You, are, like a ghost, right, so you should know this one, right.  Ok, like those ghost hunter dudes are always saying that ghosts always appear doing stuff they were, like, really passionate about in life, you know. Like, stuff they were totally into.  If that is true, why don’t we ever see ghosts making love? Answer me that one, dude.

 Nelson: Seriously, mon?  Tink about it for a minute.  Why do you tink dem ghosts is always moaning, mon.  And why do day get so mad and start trowing junk around when you come along and interrupt dem in da throes?  Seriously, mon?  And don’t you make me tell you what ectoplasm really be. I and I.  But you have totally gotten me off the tracks.  I be here to save your soul, mon.  Before morning, you are gonna be visited by tree ghosts.  No, wait, apparently your past is sealed up tighter dan a steel drum, so the Ghost of Christmas Past is a no show.  So you gonna be visited by two ghosts, mon.  Listen to dem, mon.  It be very good if you be hearing what they be saying to you, mon.  Da first one comes when de clock strikes one (fades away).

(To be continued, maybe, if I feel like it)

IMAO Time Machine: President Lies-With-a-Fist?

Posted by on

Lactose the Intolerant posted this back in 2013. — The Editors

So Elizabeth Warren is planning on giving Hillary a challenge in her bid for President. White guilt compels me to support her.  Now is the time for us palefaces to return executive power in this land to the Native Americans, like Elizabeth “Lies-With-a-Fist” Warren.  Besides, she is so inept, watching her run would be so much fun.  My inside sources are telling me these are some of the concepts/strategies she is planning on using against Hillary in the primaries:

  • What? Benghazi on my watch?  My people brought you Custer’s Last Stand
  • Values matter.  The men of my people only smoked cigars and posed with them for wooden carvings
  • Look at our environmental records.  I am the only true anti-litter candidate (tear streams silently down cheek)
  • I am the only candidate who can move to DC and root for the Redskins with a clean conscience
  • Hillary had been working with Iran for 4 years with no results. I’ve already developed a positive, working relationship with Iran. In exchange for letting them pursue nuclear technology, they have already given me all these blankets and shiny beads
  • I am the only candidate committed to the idea that if you like your Shaman you can keep your Shaman
  • I will commission the new Trail of Tears Monumental highway system which will connect and give easy access to all the Indian Casinos
  • The only part of Hillary that belongs in the Oval Office is her scalp on my wall
  • I’ll just arrange to air drop peace pipes over the Middle East. Problem solved
  • Once Obamacare has dealt with the overpopulation problem, I can lead our people that remain back to living in harmony off the land
  • It takes a village to run a county
  • To maintain continuity, I will select Joe “Dances-Like-a-Special-Ed-Kid-With-a-Sparkler” Biden as my VP
  • A mustang in every garage and peyote in every pot

IMAO Time Machine: Everybody Ought to Date a Clown

Posted by on

Lactose the Intolerant penned this in 2013. — The Editors

Watching all those clowns in Washington really got me thinking.  I wonder what it would be like to date a clown?  Turns out there is a website for that, so I tried it out.  And it also turns out that there are some pros and cons to clown dating, such as these:

  • When you go on a quintuple date, you only need one car
  • You don’t need to pay extra for her to wear the greasepaint and orange wigs anymore
  • It’s easy to judge your performance based upon the rapidity of the horn honking.  No wait, they can fake that too.  Nevermind
  • You need to be sure to make love with the lights out because otherwise anything that resembles a balloon will be painfully twisted into a puppy.  On a related note, you must be sure to hide all your condoms
  • She’s overjoyed when you gift her with a ring pop and a plastic necklace from those 25c plastic egg machines
  • When the traffic cop discovers the trussed teenage boys in the trunk, you’re not the primary suspect this time
  • It can be a little disconcerting when you discover that her implants are really squeak toys
  • And it can be more disconcerting to discover that the carpet matches the drapes right down to the little bowler hat
  • They’re a cheap date.  Even with a tie, most high end places won’t seat them
  • When you want to spice things up by bringing in a midget, there are 3 or 4 she already knows and trusts
  • The tears of a clown are actually really awesome.  They make you really high.  And acquiring them is guilt-free. Clowns don’t really have feelings
  • The only rings she really cares about are the three under the big tent

IMAO Time Machine: Lactose and the TSA Make a Porno

Posted by on

Lactose the Intolerant wrote this back in 2013. — The Editors

I just found out that I have to travel out to DC for an FDA conference, which has me thinking again about the TSA and their x-ray scanner devices.  Generally speaking, I’m not a conspiracy nut, well, except for the fact that we never went to the moon, and that whole 9/11 thing, and the fact that Obama was born in Hawaii and Kenya and South Africa simultaneously (he’s really evil triplets: google it), but these new peekaboo scanners in the airports just seem to smack way too much of some grand conspiracy. 

Now, who would want to conspire and use such a device?  I reckon we can employ the old Socratic method to unravel this hemp rope.  What type of folk really don’t care if their lovins are blowing about in the breeze for all to see?  What types of folk would gladly board any plane stark raving naked if such indecency weren’t currently unlawful?  Well, I’ll tell you who.  It’s those same folk who were prancing around butt naked in the mud at that Woodstock thing.  It’s those gosh darn hippies, of course.

I’m often told that the only way to properly deduce who is really behind a grand conspiracy is to answer the simple question: Who benefits?  Because we all know that anyone who reaps good from an event must have been the mastermind behind it.  There are no coincidences, and, if history has taught us anything, it’s that the sociological and political outcomes of any event are easily predicted.  If I pat Elly Sue Jenkins on the tush, I’m gonna get a slap across the face.  It happens every time, and no one benefits from it.  Well, maybe I benefit a little, or else, why would I keep patting her on the tush?  But where are you going with all this, you may ask?  Exactly how do the hippies benefit from the airport peepshow?  Well, let me enlighten you. 

I’m not a doctor, but I take little Jimmy to one every time I push… I mean everytime he falls down the well.  And every time Doc points that x-ray thing at him, he puts a big old lead codpiece round little Jimmy’s nether regions.  I asked the Doc what this was all about, and he said, and I’m quoting this pretty straight, “Without the lead blocking the rays, Little Jimmy’s manhoods would shrivel up like raisins in the sun and be about as much use to him as an empty shotgun during season.”  Now, who exactly would want to remove all the shells from our proverbial shotguns?

Coincidentally (or is it) a hippie family moved in down the street, and, while I can’t generally abide them, I have had the misfortune of overhearing their rants now and again.  Now, to hear them talk, it sounded rather like Agent Smith from those Keanu Reeves movies.  Mankind is destroying the earth on account of there are way too many of us.  And the only solution is to stop breeding.  So, who is it that wants to dry up our loins?  Who is it that wants to blast our seed into a thin paste with concentrated x-ray beams?  Who benefits and gets exactly what they want by forcing as many of us as possible through these new Superman X-ray vision machines?  I’m just asking questions, but the answer is clear.  And, I’ll tell you what, hippies, you can have my seed when you pry them from my cold dead fingers.  Elly Sue, however, you can have my seed anytime you want.  Call me. 

[Cross posted at Nuking Politics]

IMAO Time Machine: I Love Global Warming

Posted by on

Here’s one from 2013 from Lactose The Intolerant. Oh, we so miss him. — The Editors

I just read that the next bad thing about Global Warming is that it will increase prostitution.  But wait, that isn’t necessarily a bad thing.  My AGW model predicts the following positive benefits from increased prostitution.

  • Increased supply and competition will bring the prices down.  You won’t need to be a highly paid politician to afford Ashley Dupre.
  • With the increased supply, Democratic lawmakers will be too busy to bother governing anymore, which is good for everybody.
  • Menendez will no longer have to waste tax payer money flying to the third world to get cheap prostitutes.
  • Barney Frank will finally be able to expand his prostitution ring to include women.
  • Increased heroin and meth demand to supply the new gaggles of prostitutes will cause an economic boom in Mexico creating jobs that will draw illegal immigrants back to their homeland.
  • More prostitutes mean more pimps, which will create new jobs in the dilapidated inner cities.
  • With the new crop of second tier, less attractive escorts, the paper bag industry will thrive like never before.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again.  Is there nothing Global Warming doesn’t make better?  Here’s to increasing carbon emissions until the globe is once more a tropical paradise from pole to pole.

[Cross posted at nuking Politics]

She’s as Healthy as a Woman Twice Her Age

Posted by on

Hillary apparently collapsed on the way back to her van after visiting the 9/11 Memorial. Since it can’t possibly be due to any health issues, it is probably the result of one of the following:

  • After fifteen years, the horror of the 9/11 attack finally made it through her diseased nervous system
  • She was momentarily overwhelmed with thoughts of Huma
  • Bill accidentally put the GHB in the wrong cup of coffee
  • She thought she heard the national anthem and tried to take a knee
  • The effects of the virgin sacrifice ran off more quickly than expected
  • She just tripped in her rush to get back to the van before time ran out and it turned back into a pumpkin and she turned back into a rat
  • It was just a trust/fall exercise
  • She failed to read the fine print in her contract with Lucifer….
  • Trump finally decided to fight her witchcraft with voodoo
  • An enemy must have tainted the baby’s blood at the Black Sabbat
  • Her Obamacare policy won’t pay for her Rascal Scooter without more documented proof of need, so she’s been staging falls

Dual Survival: HRC Campaign Headquarters – The End

Posted by on

Joe: The first order of business is to find a safe source of water.

Matt: With all of the drinking fountains and the sink in the lunchroom, you would think this would be an easy task.  But you couldn’t be more wrong.  You can’t trust any of them.

Joe: Don’t forget, you are deep in Democrat country here.  For all you know, that water is coming straight from the Flint River.

Matt: Or even worse, the Animus River.  You can’t trust any of it.

Joe: That’s exactly right.  And the worst part is there is no way to easily process it.  Boiling it won’t remove the lead or heavy metals or chemicals.

Matt: And even if boiling would work, you can’t start a fire around here.  The fumes from all of the BS in this place are far too flammable.  A single ember and the whole place could go up in a raging fireball of death.

Joe: Another thing to be very cautious about is the refrigerator in the lunchroom.  Don’t trust anything in it.  Especially if you see a big, refreshing picture of fruit punch, just back away slowly.

Matt: That is one of the first rules of survival in any Democratic outpost.  No matter what, don’t ever drink the Kool-Aid.

Joe: And another place to definitely steer clear of is any sort of restroom.  Mens, womens, family, doesn’t matter how it is labeled, just stay out, dude.

Matt: It is important to remember that words lose their meanings around the Clintons.   The plaque on the door could mean anything.

Joe: I totally agree, bro.  You don’t know what you will find in there, but it will probably be something scary.

Matt: And something very irritable.

Joe: If you get confused and address it with the wrong pronoun, that is where your story ends.

Matt: Totally, bro.

Joe:  Shhh!  Did you hear that?  Quick!  Hide!

Matt (whispering): Is that what I think it is?

Joe (whispering): ‘fraid so. It’s Anthony Weiner’s weiner.

Matt: Oh, geez.  I wish someone would just tell him this isn’t Naked and Afraid.

Joe: I’ve had to stomach a lot of nauseating things on this show, but this is the closest I’ve ever come to losing my lunch.  Not even when I drank my own pee…

Matt: We need to get out of here fast before we suffer irreparable psychological scarring and potential gender confusion and associative male shame disorder.

Joe: If we could just clear all the zombies out of the office space and lobby, we would have a straight shot at the front entrance.

Matt: I agree.  That is the best approach. The last thing we want is to try for the back door when Weiner is around.  If we could find a way to lure them all away.  If I could just find a way to sneak past the zombies and get to the receptionist desk and use the intercom.

Joe: I’ve got a better idea.  It’s a good thing we kept that Obama phone after all.  I think I can work through the wifi and hack into the Clinton Headquarter server and gain access to the security system.  (working at the touchscreen on the Obama phone) What?  You won’t believe this.  The only protection the system has is Windows 10 built in security?

Matt: Really?

Joe: Really, bro.  It would save me a lot of time if I could just crack Hillary’s administrator password.

Matt: Try Hillary2016.

Joe: No.  That didn’t work.  Monica_Sux?  Nope.

Matt: Black_Votes_Matter?

Joe: Nope.

Matt: Oh_Huma_My_Huma?

Joe: Nope.  And a no for Lawsareforthelittlepeople.

Matt: How about $$$Uranium1$$$.

Joe: Nope.  But I got it.   I’m in.

Matt: What was it?

Joe: Hillary2008.

Matt: Really?  2008?  She hasn’t changed her password since 2008?

Joe: Can’t say for sure.  Could be she just doesn’t know what year it is.

Matt: I guess it doesn’t matter.  At this point, what difference does it make.  Can you get into the security system?

Joe: I’m looking.  Wait a minute.  What’s this?

Matt: That looks like a price list for Clinton Foundation favors.  Who knew you could corner the US uranium market for only $50 million?

Joe: And for only $1,000,000, Hillary will erase your wife’s or daughter’s or mother’s or grandmother’s number from Bill’s contact list, but she’ll clear you of child rape pro bono, just for fun.

Matt: And it only cost $50,000 to get Chelsea canned from her fake job at NBC.

Joe: Well, that would have happened on its own.

Matt: Totally, bro.  The anti-charisma on that Chelsea woman, dude.  She’s got to be the leading cause of narcolepsy in males aged 14-45.

Joe: I’ll just save that file for later.  But, it looks like I’m in control of the security system now.  All their intercoms and alarms now belong to us.  Here we go: turning on the alarm.  (alarm claxons blare).  (speaking in the Obama phone linked to the intercom system) Attention!  Attention!  This is not a drill.  Someone wrote Trump 2016 on the sidewalk in chalk.  Please report to your safe spaces and do not come out until we give the all clear.  I repeat, please report to your safe spaces.  This is not a drill.”

(All the zombies scurry away from the office area and the lobby)

Matt: Now just give them a few minutes to clear out of the way.

Joe: That should do it.  And now we can walk out the front door.

Matt: This just goes to show that even if you get trapped in such a hostile place as the Hillary Clinton Election Headquarters, if you keep your head you can still make it out alive.  Hey, what are you doing?

Joe: Just writing Trump 2016 on the sidewalk with this Sharpie.  Then I’m going to go sit on that park bench and see how many heads explode.

Dual Survival: HRC Campaign Headquarters – Part 2

Posted by on

Joe (unzipping the backpack): Let’s see what resources we have to work with.  Well, there’s a fair amount of hemp.

Matt: We should take that.

Joe: Totally, bro. We can make some cordage out of that.

Matt: Yeah, cordage….

Joe: And some striped, footy pajamas?

Matt: Better take those too.

Joe: I’m not wearing those, dude.

Matt: Those are all that could be standing between us and hypothermia. The AC is really cranked up in here.

Joe: Which is surprising given that Hillary is known to be extremely cold blooded.

Matt: Just fighting global warming one cubicle at a time, bro.  Cooling the globe through technology.

Joe: I’m still not taking the PJs.  You can take them if you want them.

Matt: Then I’m sleeping toasty tonight.  What do you think about the Obama phone?  Take it or leave it?

Joe: That’s a tough call.  I don’t like leaving resources like that behind, but I just don’t know if I trust it, you know.  It’s probably what got us in this mess in the first place.

Matt:  Totally.  And the NSA will be using it to watch us, bro.  Could be preparing to send the drones out after us already.

Joe: It’s not the NSA I’m worried about.  The security on those things is so weak, odds are the Russians have already hacked it.  Putin is probably watching us.

Matt: Maybe you could look for some kind of reset button.

Joe: I’m really on the fence on this one.

Matt: Why don’t we just take it for now, and if we notice anything suspicious, we can ditch it.

Joe: Ok, I can live with that, but I’m not using the GPS.

Matt: Should we head, then?

Joe: We’re right in the middle of mindless zombie country, and you know how I am about forced protection, so give me a minute, dude.

Matt: I think you are right.  We definitely need something to keep the horde back if we happen upon them.

Joe: The problem with these Hillary thralls is that their brains are so tiny, it makes them really hard to kill.  You can fill their head with holes, I mean, really turn their skull into swiss cheese, and they just keep on coming cause you haven’t even grazed the brain yet.

Matt: So, what do you suggest?

Joe: Our best bet is to find something that will ward them off or scare them off.

Matt: Send them scurrying away into their safe spaces.  I like it.

Joe: Anything that looks like a gun should do the trick.  They have no experience at all with real weapons, so any reasonable facsimile should do it.  Anything with a pointy end and a handle should open their bowels right up.

Matt: Too bad I already ate my Pop Tart, bro.  Hey, maybe we can use this stapler.  Just swing it open at the hinge here. You can even shoot some staples at them if you were in a bind.

Joe:  I like it.  And if you do it fast enough, they might even think it’s some sort of automatic weapon.

Matt: An unregulated assault stapler.

Joe: That should make them run crying for their crayons.  Oh, but before we go.  A couple more quick things.  I’m going to take this Sharpie and obscure my marine tat.  And you better turn that Bernie 2016 shirt inside out.  If they see military or Bernie, those Hillary zombies will start seeing pink, and I don’t even think the staplers will slow them down then, bro.

Matt: On it.  Are we ready then?

Joe: Let’s go.

(To be continued, maybe, if I feel like it….)

Dual Survival: HRC Campaign Headquarters – Part 1

Posted by on

Narrator: Special Operations veteran Joe Teti and primitive hunter-gatherer Matt Graham , two guys with two opposing survival strategies, are wading through one of the nation’s sleaziest places to show us how to make it out alive.

(Snap cut to Joe)

Joe: Once you get sucked down into it, it’s almost impossible to get out.  This place is very aggressive.  The minute you get here, you are fighting for your soul.

Narrator: HRC Campaign Headquarters, dominated by rubes, radicals and corrupt, foreign donors, this place has over 65,000 square feet of cubicles and conference rooms manned with hostile social justice warriors who would like nothing better than to turn you into one of their dead voters.

(Snap cut to Matt)

Matt: This is one of those wild frontiers left where a person can wander in and disappear for years, only to resurface to take up permanent residence in a sanctuary city, a faculty lounge or the lobby of the unemployment office.

Narrator: These offices are home to a number of venomous creatures like leftists, race-baiters, and cop-killers.

(Snap cut to Joe)

Joe: This is a very hostile environment.  Everything here is trying to take you out from the beginning.

Narrator: It all provides cover for the most deadly apex corruptor of them all, Hillary Rodham.

(Snap cut to Matt)

Matt: It can get up to five and a half feet tall, pushing almost 250 pounds, and it can lash out with a vicious and unreasoning vitriol.  When you hear that grating fake laughter, your heart just stops and tries to flee through any sphincter it can find.

Narrator: In this scenario, Joe and Matt take on the role of Bernie supporting millennials who mistakenly wander into the HRC Campaign Headquarters.

(Snap cut to Matt and Joe)

Matt: Reality is so fluid and twisted in here, you’ll find yourself lost with no clear direction how to get out.

Joe: You’re in a white water swamp, surrounded by progressives, with no way to navigate out.  You make a small mistake here, you’re gonna pay for it.  This is where your story ends.

Narrator: This is Dual Survival.

Joe (approaching two backpacks on the floor): These guys got themselves in a bad spot, and that’s putting it mildly.  I can imagine they had the munchies and probably had some money left on their food stamp card.

Matt: And those are use it or lose it, you know, bro.

Joe: Exactly.  So they had their free Obama phone out using the GPS to locate the nearest Whole Foods or Organic Market so they can get their organic wheat grass.

Matt: Or their Chilean sea bass flavored tofu snacks.

Joe: Or whatever.  But what they don’t realize is that the people who programmed the Obama GPS were the same folks who programmed the Obamacare website.

Matt: It was a packaged deal, really, bro.

Joe: Totally. It was in all the papers.  So anyway, they’re following the crap GPS, and before they know it, they’re right in the middle of hostile territory, surrounded by dangerous natives with no idea how to get out.

(To be continued, maybe, if I feel like it…..)

And More Explosive Leaks

Posted by on

Everyone is talking about the release of the DNC e-mails documenting the collusion to ensure Bernie didn’t get the nomination, but the media is ignoring the other more literal bombshells contained in the e-mail leaks.  I’m talking about the e-mails documenting how Huma is working with ISIS to make them more palatable to those in the new Clintonocracy.  Apparently, she was working with Baghdadi on a new ISIS ad campaign aimed at building bridges of commonality between ISIS and the left. One e-mail had a number of proposed slogans toward this end:

  • ISIS: We never use air conditioning.
  • ISIS: Reducing carbon emissions one death at a time.
  • ISIS: No lives matter.
  • ISIS: At least we aren’t Christian.
  • ISIS: We hated pigs long before BLM.
  • ISIS: We’re an equal opportunity exploder.
  • ISIS: We don’t care about Hillary’s server.  Our hackers have better things to hack.
  • ISIS: Fewer women molested per capita than the Bill Clinton White House.
  • ISIS: As Allah is our witness, we always thought homosexuals could fly.
  • ISIS: We were into microaggressions before it was cool – anthrax, bubonic plague, ebola….
  • ISIS: Making the world a safe space one beheading at a time.
  • ISIS: The science is settled – there is no God but Allah, and Mohammad is his prophet.
  • ISIS: Death to American way of life.
  • ISIS: Borders? Allah doesn’t recognize those imaginary lines either.
  • ISIS: Admit it. Wouldn’t the convention have been more entertaining if Bernie were stoned during his speech?
  • ISIS: Shutting down free speech since 610 AD.
  • ISIS: Be honest.  Given the chance, wouldn’t you rough up a redneck.
  • ISIS: We love gun-free zones.
  • ISIS: Screw reparations. Isn’t it time to try white slavery?
  • ISIS: So, you say you have an overpopulation problem….
  • ISIS: We’ve always supported the fair and equal redistribution of limbs.
  • ISIS: The original SJWs – Sharia Justice Warriors.

Independence Day at the White House

Posted by on

The White House Press Secretary has announced Obama’s big plans for his final Independence Day in office.  He has a busy day ahead of him to fill this itenerary:

  • Rewrite the Declaration of Independence after his own image by executive order
  • Enjoy a climate-friendly, non-GMO, vegan soy dog barely warmed on his solar-powered grill
  • Sneak into the idling Air Force One and enjoy a rack of climate-hating, smoked Rottweiler ribs
  • See how many lit firecrackers Joe can fit in his mouth and other orifices at once (It’s ok because Obamacare)
  • Host a DC public school competition to see which grade school student can name the capitals of all 57 states the fastest
  • Formally announce that his administration is declaring its independence from the Constitution
  • Celebrate the end of Ramadan
  • Judge the official White House cooking contest: How to Serve Lame Duck
  • Dress up like Beyonce for the White House transgender pageant
  • Perform the ribbon cutting for Planned Parenthood’s new in-clinic eatery, The Parts is Parts Café
  • Convince a drunken Loretta Lynch to combine the No Fly List with his Enemy List and the List of Registered Republicans
  • Recklessly taunt the aliens confined in Area 51
  • Defeat ISIS by videotaping his and Loretta Lynch’s karaoke medley of I Got You Babe, Summer Lovin’, and Endless Love and text it to Al-Baghdadi
  • Rack up a $25 million cost for his gala, payable by the US taxpayer

Life With ISIS – Terror Fun Fair Part 4

Posted by on

(somewhere secret in the dessert)

Ali: Where to next?

Galid: Whack-a-Jew!  Whack-a-Jew!

Ahmed: But that is way over on the other side of the fair.

Galid: We must go soon!  Remember last year when we got there too late and the Jews were all whacked out?  It is no fun unless they are lively and can dodge and weave your blows.  Dead Jews are no fun to whack.  They do not even beg or squeal.  And the blood splatter is all wrong.

Ahmed: Ok, ok.  You are right.

Ali: But we need to stop by the photo booth on the way.  I promised the children I would get the picture of me photoshopped into the beheadings.

Habib: And we need to stop by the Apple booth and check out the My Little Terrorist aps.  I hear there are some now that teach them how to make bombs from fertilizer and there is a flight simulator and a game to sneak past the wily TSA, Allah be praised.

Galid: But we must be quick.  I don’t want to miss Whack-a-Jew again.  Hurry!  Hurry!

Burka Woman: Excuse me.  Excuse me for just a minute.  Would you be able to take a moment and sign this petition?  A bunch of us would really like to see something done about the oppressive dress code in the caliphate.

Galid: I am confused.  Dress code?  I have never heard of any dress code.

Burka Woman: Of course you have.  Just look at how I am dressed.

Ali: What is wrong with how you are dressed?  It is perfect.  You are completely covered and unappealing and I have no desire to violate you in any way.

Habib: I have no such desire either.

Burka Woman: But do you think I want to be dressed like this?  Do you not think I have the right to dress how I choose? That is what the petition is about.

Galid: I am confused.  So you wish to petition Allah?  If we sign this paper, he will change the Quran and the hadith?  Why have I not heard of this before?

Habib: Absolutely, there are a lot of things I’d like to change, girlfriend.  But Islam doesn’t work that way.  Get with the 8th century.

Burka Woman: This isn’t about changing Islam or the Quran.  Not at all. We just want the freedom to practice the way we wish.  My friends and I just graduated from universities in America.

Ali: What? Women in school?  What is this blasphemy?

Ahmed: Where is my acid?

Burka Woman:  Chillax.  We aren’t trying to blow your minds or change your way of life.  We just want a little leeway here.  In America, we could dress anyway we wished, even when we went to prayers at Mosque.  We aren’t asking for that freedom here.  All we want is a small change.  The petition is to allow us to raise the hem of the burka to just below the ankles.  I spent over $300 on these shoes, and I just don’t want them to be covered up in a sack.

Galid: I am confused. So you wish to be violated?

Habib: Yes.  Yes.  You are aware that if I were to catch the merest glimpse of your toe, I would not be able to control my virile masculinity and would have no choice but to rape you into oblivion?

Ali: True.  True.  You cannot dangle meat in front of a dog and expect any less.

Burka Woman: I can see it is no use talking to any of you.  I’m out of here.

Habib: A moment, please.  Would you mind if I just took a quick peak at your shoes?

Burka Woman (huffs and stalks away)

Galid (glances at the sundial): OMA, that chatty woman has wasted so much of our time.  Come, we must hurry to Whack-a-Jew.

(They hear a large commotion and see a large crowd gathered)

Ali: What is that going on over there?

Galid: Who cares?  Whack-a-Jew!  Whack-a Jew!

Ahmed: Come on, it will just take a minute.

(They drag Galid to the crowd)

Public Relations Imam: …can see from recent events, we are having a really hard time getting our brand name and recognition out there.  How can we get our name out there when the Obama administration is consistently purging us out of existence?

Galid: I am confused.  Obama?  I thought he was a JV president.

Ali: He is.  Most definitely he is.  Everything he touches, right into the latrine.

Habib: I’d only touch that guy with my left hand.

Ahmed: I am sure glad he isn’t a Muslim.

Ali: I wish he would fight against us.  Ensure our victory.

Public Relations Imam: That is how he is so wily.  How can we inspire fear and terror if no one knows we exist?  No one is even allowed to speak our name.   Look at what happened in Orlando.

(crowd ululates and fires AK-47s into the air)

Public Relations Imam: I think maybe you are celebrating prematurely.

Galid: I am confused.  Did not many homosexuals fall to the might of Allah?  Is that not cause for us to celebrate?

Public Relations Imam: Indeed it is, but is Allah being given the credit for this mighty blow?  No.  We do the work and the praise is given to the hatred of the Christians and the NRA.

Galid: But I am confused?  When the deadly asp bites you, can you blame the butterfly?  Was the holy warrior not pledged to us and proudly killing in the name of Allah?  How can this be?

Public Relations Imam: That is the wiliness of the Obama.  We do not exist and cannot be blamed.  That is what this workshop is about.  We are trying to brainstorm some ways that we can get our brand out there and start getting credit for the terror we are causing.  For starters, I would suggest that we be much more discriminating in the way we choose our targets.  Choose targets that cannot be blamed on anyone else.  Ones that can’t be called hate crimes or discrimination or any of that.  No more targeting of minorities and gays –

Ali: What?  And let the sodomites go unpunished?

(crowd mutters and fumes)

All: Death to the gays!  Death to gays!  Death to gays!

Public Relations Imam: Alright.  Calm down.  We are all in agreement with that.  Death to the gays.  All I’m saying, is we can’t waste precious resources on targets that won’t advance our cause.  When the worldwide caliphate is established, all this will be taken care of.  In the meantime, we need to make sure those Christian bigots don’t get the accolades for our hard work.

Galid: But I am confused.  Jews are a minority.  Are you suggesting we can no longer target Jews?

Public Relations Imam: Oh no, Allah be praised.  Jews are always on the menu.  Even if the skinheads or Israeli conspirators get the credit, Jews are always worth the resources.  But otherwise, what I am suggesting is we try to keep our targets to straight, white males.

Galid: And Jews!

Public Relations Imam: And Jews.  But does anyone have any more ideas about how we can get our brand recognized and actually get credit for what we are doing?

Ahmed: We could officially endorse Trump!

Galid: Can we target Bernie Sanders?  Please can we?

Ali: Perhaps we could blow up a lion.

Habib: Or a gorilla.

Red-Shirted Muslim in the Back: How about we get rid of this flag with the crescent and replace it with this one?  (Unfurls and holds up Confederate flag)

Galid: Ok, enough of this.  Whack-a-Jew!  Whack-a-Jew!  If I miss it, I’m gonna whack all of you.

Ali: Alright.  Alright.  We’re coming.  We’re coming.

(As they hurry toward the Whack-a-Jew stand, they notice a figure swinging from a makeshift gallows.  Burka Woman is swinging above them, hung by the neck until dead.  A cute pair of red pumps is sprawled in a heap on the ground below her)

Ali: Well, I can see her shoes now.

Habib: My, but aren’t those simply adorable? I wonder if they come in a 12.

To be continued, maybe, if I feel like it.

Fighting ISIS for Dummies

Posted by on

Since it is clear to all thinking Americans that no one can defeat ISIS militarily, Obama really has to think outside the box on ways to prevent ISIS from continuing its assault on Americans. My man in State has leaked some of our President’s leading ideas to defeat ISIS:

  • Add a Quran course to the Common Core curriculum
  • Since anything can be used as a weapon with the proper creativity, ban all personal property (Common Core is already working on stifling creativity)
  • Use AFFH to equitably distribute all Muslim refugees throughout all communities in America
  • Retool the AP American History standards to paint the Barbary pirates as the good guys/repressed culture
  • Reassure al Baghdadi that America is too busy combating climate change to pose a threat to Dar al Islam
  • Force Christian bakers to cater their own beheadings
  • Put the TSA in charge of nightclub security
  • Officially recognize the Islamic Caliphate, provide them with foreign aid and recommend them for inclusion in the United Nations
  • Michelle’s new school lunch guidelines will be Halal
  • Prayer is now required in school, five times a day
  • Restore the Middle East to pre-1096 borders
  • All Syrian refugees are issued two get out of jail free cards and a five punch molestation immunity card
  • Apologize profusely for hurting their feelings by referring to them as the JV squad
  • Allow Muslim travelers to skip those pesky TSA security check points
  • The Sports Illustrated burka edition
  • Turn over Pamela Gellar and her cadre of rogue cartoonists
  • No more bacon

Cross posted at Nuking Politics