Dual Survival: HRC Campaign Headquarters – Part 2

Joe (unzipping the backpack): Let’s see what resources we have to work with.  Well, there’s a fair amount of hemp.

Matt: We should take that.

Joe: Totally, bro. We can make some cordage out of that.

Matt: Yeah, cordage….

Joe: And some striped, footy pajamas?

Matt: Better take those too.

Joe: I’m not wearing those, dude.

Matt: Those are all that could be standing between us and hypothermia. The AC is really cranked up in here.

Joe: Which is surprising given that Hillary is known to be extremely cold blooded.

Matt: Just fighting global warming one cubicle at a time, bro.  Cooling the globe through technology.

Joe: I’m still not taking the PJs.  You can take them if you want them.

Matt: Then I’m sleeping toasty tonight.  What do you think about the Obama phone?  Take it or leave it?

Joe: That’s a tough call.  I don’t like leaving resources like that behind, but I just don’t know if I trust it, you know.  It’s probably what got us in this mess in the first place.

Matt:  Totally.  And the NSA will be using it to watch us, bro.  Could be preparing to send the drones out after us already.

Joe: It’s not the NSA I’m worried about.  The security on those things is so weak, odds are the Russians have already hacked it.  Putin is probably watching us.

Matt: Maybe you could look for some kind of reset button.

Joe: I’m really on the fence on this one.

Matt: Why don’t we just take it for now, and if we notice anything suspicious, we can ditch it.

Joe: Ok, I can live with that, but I’m not using the GPS.

Matt: Should we head, then?

Joe: We’re right in the middle of mindless zombie country, and you know how I am about forced protection, so give me a minute, dude.

Matt: I think you are right.  We definitely need something to keep the horde back if we happen upon them.

Joe: The problem with these Hillary thralls is that their brains are so tiny, it makes them really hard to kill.  You can fill their head with holes, I mean, really turn their skull into swiss cheese, and they just keep on coming cause you haven’t even grazed the brain yet.

Matt: So, what do you suggest?

Joe: Our best bet is to find something that will ward them off or scare them off.

Matt: Send them scurrying away into their safe spaces.  I like it.

Joe: Anything that looks like a gun should do the trick.  They have no experience at all with real weapons, so any reasonable facsimile should do it.  Anything with a pointy end and a handle should open their bowels right up.

Matt: Too bad I already ate my Pop Tart, bro.  Hey, maybe we can use this stapler.  Just swing it open at the hinge here. You can even shoot some staples at them if you were in a bind.

Joe:  I like it.  And if you do it fast enough, they might even think it’s some sort of automatic weapon.

Matt: An unregulated assault stapler.

Joe: That should make them run crying for their crayons.  Oh, but before we go.  A couple more quick things.  I’m going to take this Sharpie and obscure my marine tat.  And you better turn that Bernie 2016 shirt inside out.  If they see military or Bernie, those Hillary zombies will start seeing pink, and I don’t even think the staplers will slow them down then, bro.

Matt: On it.  Are we ready then?

Joe: Let’s go.

(To be continued, maybe, if I feel like it….)

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Dual Survival: HRC Campaign Headquarters – Part 1

Narrator: Special Operations veteran Joe Teti and primitive hunter-gatherer Matt Graham , two guys with two opposing survival strategies, are wading through one of the nation’s sleaziest places to show us how to make it out alive.

(Snap cut to Joe)

Joe: Once you get sucked down into it, it’s almost impossible to get out.  This place is very aggressive.  The minute you get here, you are fighting for your soul.

Narrator: HRC Campaign Headquarters, dominated by rubes, radicals and corrupt, foreign donors, this place has over 65,000 square feet of cubicles and conference rooms manned with hostile social justice warriors who would like nothing better than to turn you into one of their dead voters.

(Snap cut to Matt)

Matt: This is one of those wild frontiers left where a person can wander in and disappear for years, only to resurface to take up permanent residence in a sanctuary city, a faculty lounge or the lobby of the unemployment office.

Narrator: These offices are home to a number of venomous creatures like leftists, race-baiters, and cop-killers.

(Snap cut to Joe)

Joe: This is a very hostile environment.  Everything here is trying to take you out from the beginning.

Narrator: It all provides cover for the most deadly apex corruptor of them all, Hillary Rodham.

(Snap cut to Matt)

Matt: It can get up to five and a half feet tall, pushing almost 250 pounds, and it can lash out with a vicious and unreasoning vitriol.  When you hear that grating fake laughter, your heart just stops and tries to flee through any sphincter it can find.

Narrator: In this scenario, Joe and Matt take on the role of Bernie supporting millennials who mistakenly wander into the HRC Campaign Headquarters.

(Snap cut to Matt and Joe)

Matt: Reality is so fluid and twisted in here, you’ll find yourself lost with no clear direction how to get out.

Joe: You’re in a white water swamp, surrounded by progressives, with no way to navigate out.  You make a small mistake here, you’re gonna pay for it.  This is where your story ends.

Narrator: This is Dual Survival.

Joe (approaching two backpacks on the floor): These guys got themselves in a bad spot, and that’s putting it mildly.  I can imagine they had the munchies and probably had some money left on their food stamp card.

Matt: And those are use it or lose it, you know, bro.

Joe: Exactly.  So they had their free Obama phone out using the GPS to locate the nearest Whole Foods or Organic Market so they can get their organic wheat grass.

Matt: Or their Chilean sea bass flavored tofu snacks.

Joe: Or whatever.  But what they don’t realize is that the people who programmed the Obama GPS were the same folks who programmed the Obamacare website.

Matt: It was a packaged deal, really, bro.

Joe: Totally. It was in all the papers.  So anyway, they’re following the crap GPS, and before they know it, they’re right in the middle of hostile territory, surrounded by dangerous natives with no idea how to get out.

(To be continued, maybe, if I feel like it…..)

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And More Explosive Leaks

Everyone is talking about the release of the DNC e-mails documenting the collusion to ensure Bernie didn’t get the nomination, but the media is ignoring the other more literal bombshells contained in the e-mail leaks.  I’m talking about the e-mails documenting how Huma is working with ISIS to make them more palatable to those in the new Clintonocracy.  Apparently, she was working with Baghdadi on a new ISIS ad campaign aimed at building bridges of commonality between ISIS and the left. One e-mail had a number of proposed slogans toward this end:

  • ISIS: We never use air conditioning.
  • ISIS: Reducing carbon emissions one death at a time.
  • ISIS: No lives matter.
  • ISIS: At least we aren’t Christian.
  • ISIS: We hated pigs long before BLM.
  • ISIS: We’re an equal opportunity exploder.
  • ISIS: We don’t care about Hillary’s server.  Our hackers have better things to hack.
  • ISIS: Fewer women molested per capita than the Bill Clinton White House.
  • ISIS: As Allah is our witness, we always thought homosexuals could fly.
  • ISIS: We were into microaggressions before it was cool – anthrax, bubonic plague, ebola….
  • ISIS: Making the world a safe space one beheading at a time.
  • ISIS: The science is settled – there is no God but Allah, and Mohammad is his prophet.
  • ISIS: Death to American way of life.
  • ISIS: Borders? Allah doesn’t recognize those imaginary lines either.
  • ISIS: Admit it. Wouldn’t the convention have been more entertaining if Bernie were stoned during his speech?
  • ISIS: Shutting down free speech since 610 AD.
  • ISIS: Be honest.  Given the chance, wouldn’t you rough up a redneck.
  • ISIS: We love gun-free zones.
  • ISIS: Screw reparations. Isn’t it time to try white slavery?
  • ISIS: So, you say you have an overpopulation problem….
  • ISIS: We’ve always supported the fair and equal redistribution of limbs.
  • ISIS: The original SJWs – Sharia Justice Warriors.
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Independence Day at the White House

The White House Press Secretary has announced Obama’s big plans for his final Independence Day in office.  He has a busy day ahead of him to fill this itenerary:

  • Rewrite the Declaration of Independence after his own image by executive order
  • Enjoy a climate-friendly, non-GMO, vegan soy dog barely warmed on his solar-powered grill
  • Sneak into the idling Air Force One and enjoy a rack of climate-hating, smoked Rottweiler ribs
  • See how many lit firecrackers Joe can fit in his mouth and other orifices at once (It’s ok because Obamacare)
  • Host a DC public school competition to see which grade school student can name the capitals of all 57 states the fastest
  • Formally announce that his administration is declaring its independence from the Constitution
  • Celebrate the end of Ramadan
  • Judge the official White House cooking contest: How to Serve Lame Duck
  • Dress up like Beyonce for the White House transgender pageant
  • Perform the ribbon cutting for Planned Parenthood’s new in-clinic eatery, The Parts is Parts Café
  • Convince a drunken Loretta Lynch to combine the No Fly List with his Enemy List and the List of Registered Republicans
  • Recklessly taunt the aliens confined in Area 51
  • Defeat ISIS by videotaping his and Loretta Lynch’s karaoke medley of I Got You Babe, Summer Lovin’, and Endless Love and text it to Al-Baghdadi
  • Rack up a $25 million cost for his gala, payable by the US taxpayer
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Life With ISIS – Terror Fun Fair Part 4

(somewhere secret in the dessert)

Ali: Where to next?

Galid: Whack-a-Jew!  Whack-a-Jew!

Ahmed: But that is way over on the other side of the fair.

Galid: We must go soon!  Remember last year when we got there too late and the Jews were all whacked out?  It is no fun unless they are lively and can dodge and weave your blows.  Dead Jews are no fun to whack.  They do not even beg or squeal.  And the blood splatter is all wrong.

Ahmed: Ok, ok.  You are right.

Ali: But we need to stop by the photo booth on the way.  I promised the children I would get the picture of me photoshopped into the beheadings.

Habib: And we need to stop by the Apple booth and check out the My Little Terrorist aps.  I hear there are some now that teach them how to make bombs from fertilizer and there is a flight simulator and a game to sneak past the wily TSA, Allah be praised.

Galid: But we must be quick.  I don’t want to miss Whack-a-Jew again.  Hurry!  Hurry!

Burka Woman: Excuse me.  Excuse me for just a minute.  Would you be able to take a moment and sign this petition?  A bunch of us would really like to see something done about the oppressive dress code in the caliphate.

Galid: I am confused.  Dress code?  I have never heard of any dress code.

Burka Woman: Of course you have.  Just look at how I am dressed.

Ali: What is wrong with how you are dressed?  It is perfect.  You are completely covered and unappealing and I have no desire to violate you in any way.

Habib: I have no such desire either.

Burka Woman: But do you think I want to be dressed like this?  Do you not think I have the right to dress how I choose? That is what the petition is about.

Galid: I am confused.  So you wish to petition Allah?  If we sign this paper, he will change the Quran and the hadith?  Why have I not heard of this before?

Habib: Absolutely, there are a lot of things I’d like to change, girlfriend.  But Islam doesn’t work that way.  Get with the 8th century.

Burka Woman: This isn’t about changing Islam or the Quran.  Not at all. We just want the freedom to practice the way we wish.  My friends and I just graduated from universities in America.

Ali: What? Women in school?  What is this blasphemy?

Ahmed: Where is my acid?

Burka Woman:  Chillax.  We aren’t trying to blow your minds or change your way of life.  We just want a little leeway here.  In America, we could dress anyway we wished, even when we went to prayers at Mosque.  We aren’t asking for that freedom here.  All we want is a small change.  The petition is to allow us to raise the hem of the burka to just below the ankles.  I spent over $300 on these shoes, and I just don’t want them to be covered up in a sack.

Galid: I am confused. So you wish to be violated?

Habib: Yes.  Yes.  You are aware that if I were to catch the merest glimpse of your toe, I would not be able to control my virile masculinity and would have no choice but to rape you into oblivion?

Ali: True.  True.  You cannot dangle meat in front of a dog and expect any less.

Burka Woman: I can see it is no use talking to any of you.  I’m out of here.

Habib: A moment, please.  Would you mind if I just took a quick peak at your shoes?

Burka Woman (huffs and stalks away)

Galid (glances at the sundial): OMA, that chatty woman has wasted so much of our time.  Come, we must hurry to Whack-a-Jew.

(They hear a large commotion and see a large crowd gathered)

Ali: What is that going on over there?

Galid: Who cares?  Whack-a-Jew!  Whack-a Jew!

Ahmed: Come on, it will just take a minute.

(They drag Galid to the crowd)

Public Relations Imam: …can see from recent events, we are having a really hard time getting our brand name and recognition out there.  How can we get our name out there when the Obama administration is consistently purging us out of existence?

Galid: I am confused.  Obama?  I thought he was a JV president.

Ali: He is.  Most definitely he is.  Everything he touches, right into the latrine.

Habib: I’d only touch that guy with my left hand.

Ahmed: I am sure glad he isn’t a Muslim.

Ali: I wish he would fight against us.  Ensure our victory.

Public Relations Imam: That is how he is so wily.  How can we inspire fear and terror if no one knows we exist?  No one is even allowed to speak our name.   Look at what happened in Orlando.

(crowd ululates and fires AK-47s into the air)

Public Relations Imam: I think maybe you are celebrating prematurely.

Galid: I am confused.  Did not many homosexuals fall to the might of Allah?  Is that not cause for us to celebrate?

Public Relations Imam: Indeed it is, but is Allah being given the credit for this mighty blow?  No.  We do the work and the praise is given to the hatred of the Christians and the NRA.

Galid: But I am confused?  When the deadly asp bites you, can you blame the butterfly?  Was the holy warrior not pledged to us and proudly killing in the name of Allah?  How can this be?

Public Relations Imam: That is the wiliness of the Obama.  We do not exist and cannot be blamed.  That is what this workshop is about.  We are trying to brainstorm some ways that we can get our brand out there and start getting credit for the terror we are causing.  For starters, I would suggest that we be much more discriminating in the way we choose our targets.  Choose targets that cannot be blamed on anyone else.  Ones that can’t be called hate crimes or discrimination or any of that.  No more targeting of minorities and gays –

Ali: What?  And let the sodomites go unpunished?

(crowd mutters and fumes)

All: Death to the gays!  Death to gays!  Death to gays!

Public Relations Imam: Alright.  Calm down.  We are all in agreement with that.  Death to the gays.  All I’m saying, is we can’t waste precious resources on targets that won’t advance our cause.  When the worldwide caliphate is established, all this will be taken care of.  In the meantime, we need to make sure those Christian bigots don’t get the accolades for our hard work.

Galid: But I am confused.  Jews are a minority.  Are you suggesting we can no longer target Jews?

Public Relations Imam: Oh no, Allah be praised.  Jews are always on the menu.  Even if the skinheads or Israeli conspirators get the credit, Jews are always worth the resources.  But otherwise, what I am suggesting is we try to keep our targets to straight, white males.

Galid: And Jews!

Public Relations Imam: And Jews.  But does anyone have any more ideas about how we can get our brand recognized and actually get credit for what we are doing?

Ahmed: We could officially endorse Trump!

Galid: Can we target Bernie Sanders?  Please can we?

Ali: Perhaps we could blow up a lion.

Habib: Or a gorilla.

Red-Shirted Muslim in the Back: How about we get rid of this flag with the crescent and replace it with this one?  (Unfurls and holds up Confederate flag)

Galid: Ok, enough of this.  Whack-a-Jew!  Whack-a-Jew!  If I miss it, I’m gonna whack all of you.

Ali: Alright.  Alright.  We’re coming.  We’re coming.

(As they hurry toward the Whack-a-Jew stand, they notice a figure swinging from a makeshift gallows.  Burka Woman is swinging above them, hung by the neck until dead.  A cute pair of red pumps is sprawled in a heap on the ground below her)

Ali: Well, I can see her shoes now.

Habib: My, but aren’t those simply adorable? I wonder if they come in a 12.

To be continued, maybe, if I feel like it.

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Fighting ISIS for Dummies

Since it is clear to all thinking Americans that no one can defeat ISIS militarily, Obama really has to think outside the box on ways to prevent ISIS from continuing its assault on Americans. My man in State has leaked some of our President’s leading ideas to defeat ISIS:

  • Add a Quran course to the Common Core curriculum
  • Since anything can be used as a weapon with the proper creativity, ban all personal property (Common Core is already working on stifling creativity)
  • Use AFFH to equitably distribute all Muslim refugees throughout all communities in America
  • Retool the AP American History standards to paint the Barbary pirates as the good guys/repressed culture
  • Reassure al Baghdadi that America is too busy combating climate change to pose a threat to Dar al Islam
  • Force Christian bakers to cater their own beheadings
  • Put the TSA in charge of nightclub security
  • Officially recognize the Islamic Caliphate, provide them with foreign aid and recommend them for inclusion in the United Nations
  • Michelle’s new school lunch guidelines will be Halal
  • Prayer is now required in school, five times a day
  • Restore the Middle East to pre-1096 borders
  • All Syrian refugees are issued two get out of jail free cards and a five punch molestation immunity card
  • Apologize profusely for hurting their feelings by referring to them as the JV squad
  • Allow Muslim travelers to skip those pesky TSA security check points
  • The Sports Illustrated burka edition
  • Turn over Pamela Gellar and her cadre of rogue cartoonists
  • No more bacon

Cross posted at Nuking Politics

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Do Democrats Even Know What IT Security Is?

The Russians didn’t only get into Hillary’s server, but it’s now reported they hacked into the DNC computer network and stole their opposition research on Trump. They also stole lots of other stuff that the media isn’t reporting, such as:

  • Way too many Anthony Weiner pics
  • Proof that Joe Biden is being controlled by his hair plugs, which are an alien symbiote
  • The receipt for the $1.7 billion ransom payment to Iran
  • Obama’s missing transcripts, and they were all from Trump U (Notes indicated he was denied a photo with the Trump cutout)
  • The REAL Benghazi video, in which the terrorists warn of the coming attack and challenge the administration to try and stop them
  • Grainy, drone videos of Hillary and Donald meeting with a shadowy, smoking man
  • Lists of the recently deceased in swing states
  • Documentation directly linking the rise in campus rape cases to Bill’s campus speaking engagements
  • Video clips suggesting that Trump tried to invoke prima nocta at Chelsea’s wedding
  • Lots of coloring pages to hand out to the Social Justice Warriors at the convention
  • Plans to achieve population demographic control through Zika
  • Information regarding a Project Raging Jackass, which consisted almost entirely of what appeared to be Alan Grayson’s genome and plans to make an army of raging jackasses
  • Hours of surveillance video of Antonin Scalia
  • Hillary’s book of spells and curses and prescriptions for wart removal and broomstick rash creams
  • A rough draft of “101 Uses for a Dead Fetus,” by Debbie Wasserman Schultz
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Men Need Not Apply

(AP) San Francisco – The California Ninth District Court of Appeals issued a landmark ruling today advancing the civil rights of transgender individuals.  The Court unanimously found that Lil Darlings All Nude Girl Review discriminated against Daniel Ripperton when they refused to hire him as a stripper just because he was a man.

“I couldn’t be more thrilled,” Daniel beamed when the ruling was announced.  “All I wanted was to dance, and they wouldn’t even let me perform day shift on the weekdays.  It really hurt, you know.  I’m not even attractive enough for day shift?  I couldn’t stanch my tears for days, I felt so worthless.  Do I deserve this treatment just because I can’t afford to transform my outer self to match my inner woman?  Why do you think I am dancing?  To earn that money as fast as I can.”

The Court didn’t only order Lil Darlings to hire Daniel, but, concerned that discrimination against transgender individuals runs so deep within society, the Court stipulated further rules regarding Daniels’ employment.

“You probably don’t know this,” Daniel told reporters, “but Lil Darlings doesn’t pay its dancers.  They work for tips and get half of the fee for lap and private dances.  If the audience is filled with a bunch of awful bigots, I could twerk my little tushie off all night and still come home with nothing.”

Understanding the harsh, bigoted truth that men didn’t go to Lil Darlings to watch men strip, the Court ordered that minimum tipping was mandated for all performers and, further, Lil Darlings could only sell lap and private dances in groups of ten on a special lap dance punch card.  Two of the ten dances must be redeemed on Daniel to ensure he isn’t discriminated against due to his transgender status.

Reactions to this new policy have been mixed.  “The worst part,” commented one of the regulars who wished to remain anonymous, “is the way his chest hair chafes you during the lap dances, like a Brillo pad against your face.  The sweat dripping from his arm pit hair is unpleasant as well.  But who am I to say he is not a beautiful, sexy woman?”

This isn’t the first time Daniel has had to face this battle against bigotry.  He was driven out of his last job after less than one day.

“Last year I was hired on at the Springfield Carnival as the bearded lady,” Daniel told reporters, “but when the snake lady spied me in the showers and noticed that I had a little snake of my own, she ratted me out.  Before I knew it I was running for my life from a mob of carnies, freaks and geeks.  Rejected even by the rejects.  I had to drop my discrimination lawsuit against them when they threatened to countersue for fraud, claiming that I lied on my resume when I claimed to be a bearded lady.  It breaks my heart that we are living in a world where a woman can’t get a job as a bearded lady just because she ain’t no lady.  That’s why I left those bigoted red states and headed to California.”

But now with the support he has received in California, he has expressed that he once again has the hope to fulfill his dreams.  “Just wait until those Springfield losers see me after I emerge from my chrysalis, magnificently metamorphosed.  Then they’ll regret turning me out.  With the money I’m now making as a dancer, my transformation is already on its way.  I hired some strapping young bucks to dig the pit in my basement and even had enough left over to buy my lotion basket.  Once I have enough for seamstress school, I’ll be ready to transform.  My, but you have beautiful skin.  And aren’t you a size 14?  Perfect.  Come here.  You simply must see what I have in the back of my van.”

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The Secret Life of Barack Obama – The Screwtape Letters

Fox News Reporter: What would you say to those who feel that your decree to public schools regarding the use of locker rooms and showers exceeds the limits established in Title IX?

Obama: Well, let me be perfectly clear…(eyes glaze and he gazes into the distance)

(Obama opens a smoking letter and begins to read)

Dear Obama,

While your attempts to accelerate the disintegration of the societies built upon the Enemy’s proscribed foundation are laudable, there are those of us who are concerned that your actions regarding bathroom policies are too premature to prove beneficial. It is our opinion that, though the young have been vigorously indoctrinated toward this end, the intellects and mores of the bulk of society have not yet been sufficiently degraded to accept these latest steps. In fact, it is our considered opinion that your actions may prove counterproductive at this juncture. Time will tell, and punishments will be meted accordingly by Our Father Below.

Regardless of the outcome, you are advised to continue the assault upon the nuclear family in accordance with the effective though seemingly contradictory approaches of both driving a wedge between the sexes and eliminating all differences between the genders. The reason is simple. Convince women to fear and hate men, convince them that men are unnecessary to their own happiness, well-being or livelihood, even to the point that men are considered biologically redundant dross, and the nuclear family crumbles to dust.   Convince women that promiscuity is freedom, virtue is slavery and children out of wedlock are to be celebrated, and the nuclear family crumbles to dust. Allow boys to slake their lusts without consequence or responsibility, take from them the incentive to mature and be men, and the nuclear family crumbles to dust.

Eve has been offered another apple. She and Adam are gradually partaking. Stay the course and, like the serpent, keep the questions ever before their faces: Why not question tradition? Why not overturn your moral code? Why not do it if it feels good? Why not tear down all these old fences?

And do not take any further radical steps without our direct consultation.

Your affectionate Uncle, Screwtape

(Obama writes a quick response)

Dear Screwtape,

Message received. I like that last part. Why not rebel against your authority, I ask myself? I’ll do what I want. YOLO!

Barack the Ever-Wise……

Fox News Reporter: Sir, sir…

Obama: Uh, for you even to ask such a thing just shows that you are on the wrong side of history.  Next question?

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Vote Trump?

While deeply mired in the denial stage, I’ve been trying to convince myself how I could justify voting for Trump.  This is all I’ve got.

  • He self-identifies as President of the United States, so we are obligated to accept him as that
  • He’ll be impervious to sex scandals
  • You’ll be able to take a selfie of yourself with his cardboard cutout at the Trump Re-education Camp
  • The re-education at the Trump Re-education Camp was designed by the same experts that designed the curriculum at Trump University, so you won’t really end up brainwashed
  • It will be good for you if you own stock in the National Enquirer
  • One of his first actions in office will be to make it legal to punch anyone in the face who disagrees with him, and hippies are notoriously critical of Trump
  • Do we really need two Koreas
  • If he’s President, he won’t need to contribute to the Clinton Foundation for favors anymore
  • The inevitable Ivanka/Tiffany reality show is bound to give the Karadashians some much needed competition
  • Why would anybody want the same First Lady for four years straight
  • When the nation goes bankrupt, well, no worries. If there is one thing he knows
  • Unpredictability from a superpower is good for global stability, right?
  • Presidential press conferences will be indistinguishable from a SNL skit
  • TrumpCare has a much better ring to it, and again, when it goes bankrupt…
  • Sean Hannity, Bill O’Reilly and Ann Coulter will finally get those leg tinglings they’ve been coveting
  • And Chris Matthews will be able to walk again
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Ben Rhodes – Super Genius

It turns out that Hillary kept Ben Rhodes’ resume and the notes from his interview on her personal server.  In other words, they are opened up to the internet like an orchid.  Here are some of his more telling qualifications for his job of Middle East Expert for the administration:

  • He saw a trailer for Homeland once
  • He beat Obama 2 out of 3 at Risk
  • He beat Obama 3 out of 3 at Tic-Tac-Toe
  • He demonstrated an understanding of the fundamental parts of a narrative: the beginning, the middle and the Islamophobia
  • His pointy head was ideally shaped for easy insertion into his own or anyone else’s posterior
  • During college, he went through a brief Mohammad-curious phase
  • According to his family lore, he was part black through his Uncle Ben
  • When asked his opinion of the Zionist movement, he responded that he didn’t much care for reggae
  • He’d spent some time in the Midwest, and he was pretty sure the Middle East was just the opposite of that
  • When his grandparents immigrated to America, the immigration official changed their surname to Rhodes because he couldn’t spell Bakka Lakka Dakka
  • Throughout the interview, none of his answers exceeded 140 characters
  • He handily beat all the other applicants in the dance-of-the-seven-veils portion of the interview
  • He wrote a short story about how nuclear proliferation is underrated
  • Throughout the interview, he kept unconsciously humming Obama’s favorite tune, Song for Allah
  • He hadn’t built or accomplished anything
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Hillary’s Secrets

Guccifer has apparently hacked into Hillary’s server.  Said it was like an open orchid on the internet.  He’s started to tell authorities about what he found lurking there:

  • Bill’s Black Book
  • Chelsea’s personality
  • Pages of search results for ‘How to get stains out of blue fabric’
  • Donald Trump’s DNA sequence and a map of his brain (it’s a very small file)
  • A large number of instant message threads in which Muammar repeatedly spurned her advances
  • A list of the true names and preferred sacrifices for each member of a group referred to only as Legion
  • Plans to convert Bill into a trans-First Lady
  • Receipts for frequent wire transfers from the Clinton Foundation to a Nigerian prince
  • Receipts for frequent wire transfers from the Clinton Foundation to AshleyMadison.com
  • Receipts for frequent wire transfers from the Clinton Foundation to furry_curious.com
  • A partial, rough draft of a supernatural romance about the first woman President and the ghosts of Eleanor Roosevelt and Nixon’s dog Checkers
  • Numerous terse rejection e-mails indicating that ‘your soul just isn’t worth that much’
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Trumpo de Mayo

How Trump is Celebrating Cinco de Mayo, you might ask.  He loves Hispanics, you know.  They’re great, as long as they stay behind that wall.  Here is how he is celebrating.

  • Equipping his yacht with a new set of anchor babies
  • Whacking a giant Cruz-Rubio piñata, filled with candy wrappers
  • Launching his new line of Trump Tequila, proudly sold in the US but made by Malaysian orphans
  • Settling down for a long, slow fantasy involving a dirty Ivanka-Tiffany ‘enchilada’
  • Los trasplantes de cabello naranja para todos
  • Establishing the Mexico City campus of Trump Universidad, with its associated wall
  • Throwing a yuge fiesta, catered by illegals
  • Paying the legal fees for anyone who will punch La Raza in the face
  • Designing the guady new signs for the Trump Casa Blanca
  • Systematically offending all the wise latina women he meets
  • Announcing that his running mate will be Pedro
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How Can Trump Quash Hillary

Now that he is the presumptive nominee, it’s time for The Donald to turn his cool, informed savvy toward beating The Hillary. Here are his plans that have been leaked.

  • Make a great deal so that both he and Hillary run as each other’s VPs.
  • If the rigged Electoral College doesn’t make him President, there will be riots.
  • Start wearing lipstick and a dress. Transgender trumps woman.
  • Leak that photo of Hillary palling around with John Wilkes Booth.
  • At the start of the first debate, pin Hillary to the floor and give her a pink belly until she agrees to drop out of the race.
  • Threaten to ‘spill the beans’ on Bill. Wait til you see it. It will be yuge!
  • Keep reminding the electorate that his daughter is way hotter than Chelsea.  Which one do you want to have to look at for the next four years?
  • Make a better deal with Lucifer, maybe even appoint him to the Supreme Court.
  • Garner the endorsements of such Washington outsiders as Boehner, Pelosi, Boxer, Schumer, Reid, Bill Clinton…..
  • Be the first Republican candidate to actively court the dead vote.
  • He’s pretty sure Hillary is ineligible to run because she isn’t a natural born citizen, but how to prove it?
  • Woo Bernie supporters by offering taxpayer funded Trump University for all.
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Life With ISIS – Terror Fun Fair Part 3

(somewhere secret in the desert)

Ali: Hey, what is that big commotion?

Ahmed: There’s a big stir over at the recruitment area. Let’s check it out.

(they wander toward the crowd at the recruitment area where the recruitment imam is giving his spiel. Members of the crowd wearing SJJ t-shirts are continuously interrupting and harassing the imam)

Habib: SJJ? What?

Man in the crowd (rolling his eyes): Social Justice Jihadis.

Galid: I am confused? Social justice? What?

Habib: We really need to find a way to vet these American refugees.

Ahmed: Way too many crazies are slipping in.

Social Justice Hipster: The caliphate is a patriarchal, misogynist complex!

Recruitment Imam: Well, duh…

Social Justice Drum Circle Chick: Did you know that 1 in 5 women in the caliphate are the victims of rape?

Recruitment Imam: You’ve thrown that number around a lot. It’s completely bogus. You’ve got it exactly backwards. In the caliphate, each woman is raped five times. And believe me, we’re working on getting that number up where it needs to be.

Social Justice Dreadlock Dude: And where are your transgender latrines?

Social Justice Hipster: And why isn’t any of your jihadi garb gay friendly? No pink camo, no glitter? You’re all homophobes dude.

Recruitment Imam: You are aware this is an Islamic caliphate? Islam teaches that homosexuality should be punished by death. “For ye practice your lusts on men in preference to women: ye are indeed a people transgressing beyond bounds, and we rained down on them a shower of brimstone (sura 7)” And in the hadith: The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said, “Whoever you find doing the action of the people of Lot, execute the one who does it and the one to whom it is done.” The only controversy among Muslim scholars is how the execution should be conducted. Some say stoning, others beheading, others hanging, others burning, others…..

Social Justice Hipster: You can’t say that! You can’t say that about Islam!

Social Justice Dreadlock Dude: Islamophobe!

Social Justice Chubby Chick: Racist!

Galid: I am confused. Islam is a race, now?

Recruiter Imam: So the teachings of Islam are Islamophobic?

Social Justice Hipster: It’s hate speech!

Social Justice Dreadlock Dude: If it disparages Islam in any way, yeah. I have a friend who isn’t Muslim but got beat up because of talk like this. It’s hate speech, dude! It’s hate speech!

Recruiter Imam: OMA! Allah give me strength. So what am I, a self-loathing imam? I’m just reading to you from the Koran and the hadith.

Social Justice Drum Circle Chick: It’s racist, Islamophobic hate speech!

Social Justice Chubby Chick: Keep your hate speech out of our caliphate! Keep your hate speech out of our caliphate! Keep your hate speech out of our caliphate! Keep your hate speech out of our caliphate! Keep your hate speech out of our caliphate!

Galid: I am confused. So, the holy Koran teaches Islamophobia? Islam is Islamophobic?

Ali: It is they who are confused, my friend.

Social Justice Hipster: Islam is a religion of peace, dude!

Social Justice Dreadlock Dude: Islam means peace!

Recruiter Imam: Actually, Islam means submission. Complete submission to Allah and Mohammad who is his prophet. The world must submit to Allah.

Social Justice Dreadlock Dude: My World Religion professor taught us that Islam is a religion of peace. Are you saying you know more than my professor? Shuh! Yeah right!

Social Justice Hipster: Hate speech!

Social Justice Chubby Chick: Keep your hate speech out of our caliphate! Keep your hate speech out of our caliphate! Keep your hate speech out of our caliphate! Keep your hate speech out of our caliphate! Keep your hate speech out of our caliphate!

Recruiter Imam: Ok, ok, ok. Who out there believes that Islam is a religion of peace? Show of hands, please. Why don’t all of you follow me over to this safe space over here? Good. This is your violence free zone. Gather around and sit down. You don’t need to worry about hate or reality or truth here. Feel free to let your perceptions run uncontested. Breathe deeply. Feel the cognitive dissonance bleeding away. Sorry, violent imagery. Feel the cognitive dissonance wafting away. The answer, my friend, is blowing up, I mean, blowing in the wind. Here are some crayons and markers and toys for you to play with until you feel calm again. Help yourself. (walks away back toward the podium)

Social Justice Drum Circle Chick: Hey, there are some Hillary Clinton dolls. And Bernie dolls. Check these out. (pulls string on Hillary doll).

Hillary Clinton Doll: Islam has nothing to do with Islamic terrorism. (explodes)

Recruiter Imam: Ok, does anyone else feel like they need a special safe space?

Galid (brushing chunks of SJJ off his shoulder): I am confused. That space did not seem very safe to me.

(to be continued, maybe, if I feel like it)

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