Reporter: Mr. President, there has been mounting criticism from the right questioning the idea you proposed to fund free community college by taxing 529 college savings accounts. How would you respond to these criticisms?
Obama: Well, um, let me be, um…perfectly….clear…um……
Reporter: Mr. President?
Obama (staring away vacantly)
Edward James Obama (standing before a classroom of high school students): You are all about to embark upon a grand experiment. Your other teachers believe it can’t be done. The administration thinks I am wasting all of our time. Even some of your parents want to have you transferred out of this class, but I won’t allow it. Because I have faith in me.
Jerome: Um, I think I may be in the wrong class. Is this AP Calculus?
Edward James Obama: You bet my sweet bippy this is AP Calculus. The School Board wanted to cancel this class. They didn’t think it could be done.
Tracy: I’m confused. They’ve been teaching calculus here for decades. Why would they want to cancel it now?
Edward James Obama: Because of all the naysayers out there who are convinced you will fail.
Dyson: But why would we fail? We’re the brightest bunch of students in the school.
Edward James Obama: Because this isn’t just calculus. This is common core calculus. I will be deconstructing all the math you know and starting from scratch, so you can learn it better. I will personally guarantee with common core leading the way, you will all get a 5 on your AP test, period.
Cut Scene for obligatory math-teaching montage
Edward James Obama: I’m going to have to teach you common core math right from the basics through to calculus, so let’s start with the basics. Can someone come up to the board and do this addition problem for me. 47 + 39.
Harold: No need to come up to the board. 86.
Edward James Obama: Yeah, but if that even is the right answer, how did you come up with it?
Harold: Added it up.
Edward James Obama: But how?
Harold: 7 + 9 is 16. Carry the one plus 4 plus 3 is 8, so 86. Did this smack in kindergarten.
Edward James Obama: What? That didn’t make any sense at all. Did anyone follow that? Do you even know why you carried the one?
Harold: Because the 1 in the tens place had to be added to the other digits in the tens place. Simple math, really. But the beauty of it is, once you learn how to do it, it doesn’t matter if you know why it works. You’ll still get the right answer. That’s all most people need.
Edward James Obama: No, no, no. I can’t even follow you. That makes no sense at all.
Harold: Have you even taught math before?
Edward James Obama: Doesn’t matter. Common core is such a superior method, anyone can teach it.
Tracy: Even my mom? She was considering homeschooling.
Edward James Obama: Well, not homeschooling, of course. Anyone teaching in public schools, I mean. But the first thing you all need to do is forget everything you know about math. If you are having trouble with that, I have an electro-shock machine in my office. Any takers? No? Ok, then. Let me show you how to add and subtract with a confusing array of boxes and arrows. See, you do this and this and this and move these boxes over here and you count everything up and you get your answer. 47 + 39 = 67.
Jermone: But the real answer is 86.
Edward James Obama: 86? 67? Like I always tell the CBO. It’s right if it gives me the answer I want. Don’t ever forget that lesson, class, in math or in life.
Edward James Obama: Here’s what I want you to do next. Harold, come up to the board. I want you to draw me three parallel lines that all intersect.
Harold: What? That’s impossible.
Students ( murmuring agreement)
Edward James Obama: Nothing is impossible if you believe in me.
Dyson: Parallel lines do not intersect by definition. What you have asked for can’t be done by definition.
Edward James Obama: Oh ye of little faith. They told me it was impossible to bend the healthcare cost curve down, but I did it. They said it was impossible to cover millions more people with health insurance while bringing the costs of healthcare down, but I did it. Here. Watch this. (begins drawing on chalkboard)
Fade as the hours pass
Edward James Obama: Ok, how about this one then.
Harold: No, those still aren’t three intersecting parallel lines. Nothing you have drawn is even close. It is not possible to draw.
Edward James Obama: Do you agree with him class? We are not leaving until that chalkboard is portraying three intersecting parallel lines.
Jerome: That looks like three intersecting parallel lines to me.
Dyson: Me too.
Edward James Obama: See, Harold. See. You just have to open yourself up to common core and let loose your preconceived notions. Everything is relative, including math.
Harold: But that is not three intersecting parallel lines.
Jerome (whispering): Dude, let it go. I’m freaking famished.
Edward James Obama: Ok, so who can tell me the answer? What is the integral of 3x2+4x? Remember, build upon your foundation of squares, arrows, haybails and buckshot.
Harold: x3 + 2x2 + C
Edward James Obama: No, no, no. You have to show your work.
Harold: But that is the right answer. It’s an easy one.
Edward James Obama: That may be, but math is more about the journey than the answer. Remember, it’s like I tell the CBO all the time. There is no right or wrong in math, only right or left. Let me demonstrate again how to perform the integral according to common core. Ok, everyone, mount your donkeys and release the doves. Tracy, let loose the rattlers. The first one to get bucked off your spooked donkey count the number of doves that have been killed but only within that set of trapezoids and use that array of arrow boxes……
Edward James Obama: It’s been a long, hard road. But I am proud of you. Each and every one of you. The test is tomorrow, and I am expecting great things. Get a good sleep and don’t forget your number 2 pencils, your donkeys or your doves. You won’t be allowed to share.
Tracy: We got you something, Mr. O. It’s not a Nobel Prize, but….
Edward James Obama (opening gift): Awww, it’s a tie. On the front is a donkey with my face on it. And on the back, the rear end of the donkey, also with my face on it.
Jerome: Harold picked it out.
Harold: That’s because anytime I see a jack ass, I can’t help but think of you and the common core.
Edward James Obama: I’ll cherish it forever. Now everyone go home and get some sleep.
Edward James Obama: I have the test scores, and I am delighted except for one of you. Everyone passed except for you Harold. Ones across the board and then your big fat 5.
Harold: Excuse me, sir. But 5 is the high score. Ones are failing.
Edward James Obama: Really. No.
Jerome: You mean we all failed?
Harold: Not me. I ignored all his BS and taught myself from my dad’s old textbook.
Edward James Obama: Impossible. That smacks of home schooling which is impossible. I am still really disappointed in the rest of you.
Tracy: It wasn’t our fault. They wouldn’t let us bring in our donkeys or doves into the test.
Dyson: Yeah. They said no livestock of any kind.
Jerome: But you promised us we would all pass if we did what you said. You gave us your personal guarantee. Period.
Edward James Obama: And if you believed that, why don’t you try and make an appointment with your doctor. For a more detailed study of that topic, I’d recommend the AP Political Science class from Dr. Gruber.
Tracy: You know, I kind of hate math now. Instead of engineering, maybe I’ll go into constitutional law. Mr. O, will I need to deal with livestock in common core law school?
Edward James Obama: Of course not. Don’t be silly. Most legal decisions are based upon a series of wet T-shirt competitions. I’d hit the gym if I were you, though. A little too doughy around the middle to be really successful.
Jerome: But we failed. I’ve never failed before. What are we gonna do about this now?
Edward James Obama: Haven’t you heard that I’m gonna give you all free community college now? That is a good option.
Harold: Thanks, but no. I’ve saved enough in my 529 account to cover my costs. I’m off to Yale.
Edward James Obama (draping his arm across Harold’s shoulders): Did I fail to mention how we are gonna fund their free community college? Success like yours really isn’t something we can let you get away with…..
Reporter: Sir? Sir?
Obama: Let me be clear. Education is vitally important for us as a nation, and I would question the patriotism of anyone who feels it is inappropriate for those who are well off to share their resources to provide education opportunities for the less well off. There is a wall between the haves and the have-nots in this country, and I say to the GOP, tear down that wall.