I just realized it has been over a month since I posted, so I thought it would be polite to let you know I have not been spirited away by the NSA for ordering all that fertilizer and uranium again. For a moment, I couldn’t even remember my logon (thank goodness muscle memory kicked in). I suddenly got this book idea and couldn’t shake it, so that is where all of my creative juices have been flowing for the last month, but that is wrapping up now. It’s out of my system. Pretty soon I will figure out what is going on in the world again and start making fun of stuff I hope. Til then, Happy Fourth of July everybody!
(Barack, Joe, Kerry and Bill are in the Oval Office drafting a will to name the successors when Barack and Joe fake their own deaths)
Barack: No, no, no, no. He’s too accomplished. We need to replace me someone who will not upstage my accomplishments.
Kerry: Is Jimmy Carter still alive? He can still serve another term right?
Barack: No, he’s already too well known. Already been compared to me. He might accidentally accomplish something. We need a total loser.
Joe: There’s always Hillary.
All (riotous laughter)
Joe: Well, the picking of people lamer than you is getting pretty slim.
Barack: Really? Really? I’m starting to take offense at that. Starting to offend now. Can’t be that hard.
Bill: Ok, suggest someone then. Who do you want to have be your successor?
Barack: Ok, Justin Beiber. I’m pretty sure Justin Beiber would make a worse President than I am.
Kerry: He can’t be President, dude.
Joe: He’s not even American, dude. Isn’t he like from Maine or something?
Kerry: Totally. And he’s far too young, dude. Can’t even vote for himself yet, dude.
Bill: Totally. And it’s hard enough sneaking my own Brazilian prostitutes into this place. Don’t need the whore traffic to be doubling. Not enough secret entrances, dude. Can’t be losing my whores in a bottleneck. I’m not going back to interns, dude. I can’t, dude. Not gonna happen.
Barack: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. We’re forgetting something here. This will is like all legally binding and stuff, right? All legally binding?
Bill: Well, yeah. Of course it is. So what?
Barack: I can’t believe no one thought of this before. It doesn’t matter what that Declaration of Independents thing says. The will is legally binding. It trumps it, dude. Totally trumps it. We can put anything we want in it. We can make Justin Beiber President. Doesn’t matter what the declaration says.
Joe: I can’t see any flaws in the logic. No flaws. I can’t believe no one thought of this before. We can put our whole agenda in this will, dude. And the law has to comply. They have to do it. It’s like, the law of wills and stuff.
Bill: Totally. But, well, you have to be willing to die for it, of course.
Barack: Well, fake die, anyway. I’m willing to fake die for my beliefs.
Bill: Totally. And I’d be willing to kill those other two losers outright for my beliefs too. Total sacrificial lambs, dude. But that reminds me. There is something we need to discuss in private. So, Joe and Kerry, hoof it.
Joe: I’m not leaving.
Kerry: Totally, dudes. Don’t trust you guys a bit.
Bill: I call attorney client privilege. You gotta go, dudes. It’s the law. You gotta go. Attorney client privilege. Shoo, shoo, shoo.
Barack: Get out of here. Let the adults speak for a bit.
Joe: Ok, ok, ok. But I’m checking Wikipedia, and if you are lying to me, I’m heading right back in here.
Bill: Fine. Just go, go, go.
(Joe and Kerry leave)
Bill: Ok, gotta speak fast. Won’t take him long to look that up on Wikipedia.
Barack: No worries. Take your time. He won’t be back anytime soon. We disabled the wifi on his Fisher Price laptop. It won’t take long for him to give up and get wrapped up in that I’m a Little Teapot game I installed.
Bill: Ok, but this is really important. If this is going to work, we have to do things right, which means keeping those losers out of the planning. Have you figured out how you are going to fake your deaths?
Barack: Well, I wasn’t really gonna fake Joe’s death. I mean, come on. I was gonna kill him for real.
Bill: Yeah. I was gonna suggest that. Good for appearances. Adds credibility. Makes your own death seem more legit.
Barack: Totally, and he would never make it in the shanty town anyway. Good as dead anyway. Good as dead. Good as dead.
Bill: Exactly. Stabbed within the first five minutes. Never make it out alive anyway. Totally a dead man walking. But how are you gonna work it for you?
Barack: If we are gonna die, can’t make it a wimpy death. It has to be something worthy of me. Gotta make it good. Really good. Blaze of glory good, dude. Totally blazing and glorying. A total blazing glory hole of glory.
Bill: Right. Something for the history books. Totally, dude.
Barack: I’m thinking drone attack. Can’t ID the bodies the normal way after that, dude. Gotta call in the special doctors and scientists and stuff. Blow up Joe, sprinkle a bit of my DNA on the scene, and I’m golden. As far as anyone knows, we were both there. Both exploded, dudes.
Bill: Kind of an ironic end, too. You getting droned up good like that. After all the droning you done. All that droning on and on and on.
Barack: Totally, dude. And I was gonna leave a fake paper trail leading back to the Tea Party or Sarah Palin or Frank J or some such moron. Get them strung up too. Going out in a blaze of glory and taking them down with me.
Bill: Totally, like four or five birds with one stone, dude. But I think you might need more than just a sprinkling of your DNA on the scene to convince everyone you bit it, dude. There are a lot of nut jobs out there. There are some whack jobs out there just waiting to believe in some crazy conspiracy theory that you faked your own death.
Barack: That’s totally whack, dude. Who would believe some crazy stuff like that, dude. Who really fakes their own death anymore? Who does that? It’s not like in the days of Elvis and JFK? No one does that anymore.
Bill: I’m just saying you got to do better. There are some crazies out there. I was talking to Osama just the other day, and he was telling me that he still had folks believing you didn’t really kill him. Everyone is so suspicious nowadays.
Barack: Totally. It’s all Bush’s fault, you know. Bush all the way. But what do you suggest?
Bill: Dental records, dude. They are always identifying dead guys with their dental records.
Barack: What? Leave my dental records at the scene? That’s just silly, dude. The records wouldn’t even survive the blast, and why would I be carrying dental records around with me anyway? Is that a thing? Who does that? No one carries their dental records around with them.
Bill: No, no, no, no, dude. It’s not like that. Not like that at all. No. They gather up all of your dead teeth and stuff and match it up with your dental records. It’s like a fingerprint. They can tell they are your teeth dude.
Barack: No, no, no, no, no.
Bill: Oh yes. Gotta sprinkle your pearly whites around in the blast debris. Only way to be sure. Let me grab the pliers, and I’ll be right back.
Barack: No way, dude! No way! No way! No way! I can’t eat canines without my canines dude. Gotta find another way.
Bill: There is no other way, dude. And we don’t need to leave all of them. Just enough to ID you. I’ll be right back, dude. Start thinking about your least favorite chompers.
(to be continued, maybe, if I feel like it)
(Bill, Joe, Barack, Kerry and Hillary are in the Oval Office plotting how to fake Joe’s and Barack’s deaths to avoid a beating by Putin)
Joe: You guys are all wrong. I can totally fit in in the shanty town. Check this out, dudes. (takes off shirt) Look at all the tats I just got, dude. Totally badass. Totally intimidating. They’ll probably all think I’m all MS-13 or something.
Kerry: All your tats are in Chinese, dude. Chinese. No one is gonna think you are an illegal Mexican.
Joe: Oh, you are so racist. Chinese tats are cool, dude. Are you telling me that illegal Mexicans can’t get Chinese tats, dude. You are so racist.
Barack: Totally, dude. You are a total racist.
Kerry: I am not a racist, dude. Lighten up.
Barack: I can’t believe you just said that. You can’t tell me to lighten up. That is so racist. Oh, you are such a racist.
Kerry: Just shut up. Shut up. Dudes, MS-13 dudes don’t have Chinese tats. They just don’t. Hipsters, yes. MS-13, no.
Bill: Speaking of hipsters, that reminds me, have you guys seen my new girlfriend? You’ve seen her, right?
Hillary: Hello. I’m standing right here. Do you even care that I am hearing this?
Bill: Which reminds me, why are you even here?
Barack: Totally. We kicked you out of the gang years ago.
Bill: Ignore her. She’s not important. But I was wondering about my new girlfriend. Do you think she is really into me or is she just enough of a hipster to be dating me ironically?
Barack: Does anyone understand what he just asked?
Kerry: The words were coming out. I was hearing them. But there was no meaning. I have no idea what they meant.
Joe: Guys, guys, guys. You are forgetting the issue here. My tattoos are totally badass, right? You have to agree that they are badass.
Kerry: Do you even know what they say, dude? Do you even know what they say?
Joe: Do I know what they say? Of course I know what they say. The tattoo artist told me that they mean ‘Commitment issues.’
Kerry: Ha ha ha ha ha! They so do not mean that. Nothing on you means that. Your back is the menu for the Wok Lin, dude. See, right here. “15% off with takeout order. No soup with takeout order. No, we have not seen your cat. Don’t ask us no more. No cat.”
Joe: It does not say that?
Kerry: Oh it does. It totally does, dude. And you don’t want to know what is written on your arms.
Joe: You gotta tell me now, dude. You gotta tell me.
Kerry: It says you are a male prostitute and gives a full price list. Well, I guess that kind of implies commitment issues.
Joe: No way, dude. No way. No way. No way. You are totally making that up, dude. You are totally messing with me.
Kerry: Oh, yeah. Take your shirt off in Chinatown and see what happens. Come on. Let’s head down to Chinatown right now if you don’t believe me.
Joe: You’re messing with me, dude. Totally messing with me. You don’t even know Chinese. How could you know Chinese?
Kerry: Of course I know Chinese. How else could I give secrets to the Chinese when I wasn’t officially in Cambodia. Wait a minute. Forget I said that.
Bill: Speaking of languages, dude. How do you expect to blend into that shanty town when you can’t even speak Spanish?
Joe: I can speak Spanish. I can totally speak Spanish. Check this out. Yo quiero Taco Bell, por favor, Usted.
Kerry: That did sound like Spanish. Totally Spanish. I’m sold. What did you say, dude?
Joe: No idea, dude. I can speak it, but I can’t understand it. Not a word.
Kerry: What the…?
Joe: But the illegals will be able to understand what I am saying. That’s the point. The illegals understand Spanish. As long as I don’t care what they have to say back, and, I mean, why would I?
Barack: But the point is you will be able to communicate.
Joe: Totally. One way communication is still communication, dude. It’s still communication. They will be able to understand me. That’s all I am saying.
Bill: Sort of like when you have to talk to women.
Kerry: This seems totally wrong, but I don’t know enough about languages to dispute it. Cannot dispute.
Hillary: All of this nonsense aside, dudes. All of this aside, you are forgetting one of the most important things, dudes. The succession, dudes. Who is gonna be in charge when you leave?
Bill: Has anyone heard a thing she has said? Does anyone even care what she just said?
Joe: What? She was talking?
Bill: No wonder she makes 23% less than that loser Kerry does.
Barack: There were sounds coming out of her, but nothing seemed to be making any sense.
Kerry: Just a constant blah blah blah. A constant droning. It’s all just background noise, really. I’ve learned to ignore, dudes. Totally ignore it.
Barack: Oh, you have to, really. Like the ticking of a clock or when Michelle keeps saying, ‘no, no, no, not tonight, you disgust me.’
Bill: Well, totally. You have to ignore it, dudes. Or it will drive you mad. Totally batty crazy.
Hillary: I hate you guys. I hate you guys so much.
Barack: But, dude, something just hit me. I think we are forgetting one of the most important things, dudes. The succession. Who is going to be in charge when we leave?
Hillary: You did not just say that. You suck. You all suck. I’m leaving. You losers are on your own. Have a happy catastrophe. Merry disaster. Can’t wait to see how this plays out. (walks out)
Bill: Dudes, he’s right. With both the President and the Vice President gone, it will be total chaos. Total anarchy. The country will totally collapse.
Kerry: Isn’t that, like, already in the Constitution and stuff?
Joe: The Constitution? What? Is that even a word? What does that mean?
Barack: I’m pretty sure it gives you more hit points.
Kerry: No, you losers. Not that constitution. That one that, like, John Smith and the other founding fathers and stuff wrote that gave us all our government rules and stuff.
Joe: Oh, you mean, the Declaration of Independents. Well, yeah. That says when I get Barack out of the way, I get to be in charge. Which means, oh….. I see. I won’t be around to be in charge. Didn’t consider that at all. No considering. I’m, like, the last link in the chain. The old end of the line, dudes. There is no Vice-Vice President or Vice-Vice-Vice President to take over if we both kick it.
Barack: Totally. Thomas Jefferson and Abraham Lincoln couldn’t have thought of everything, dudes, when they were, like, writing up that Declaration and stuff. Couldn’t see the future. Couldn’t think of everything. I bet they never would have imagined both the President and the Vice President would be snuffed at once.
Joe: Of course not. They didn’t plan for this. I mean how could they? I mean, we’re totally smart and we only thought of it a few hours ago ourselves. How could they have thought about it like 500 years ago and stuff? They couldn’t have known we were gonna do this. I mean, we didn’t think of it, and we’re way smarter than that bunch of pilgrims.
Barack: Totally, dude. I mean, why do we even care about some declaration written by a bunch of pilgrims anyway?
Kerry: Totally, dude. Always wondered about that myself. Why do we revere these pilgrims so much? I mean, they were crazy. They wore belt buckles on their hats. Who does that, dude? Who does that?
Bill: Don’t you losers know anything about history? When they came across the ocean on the Sangria, they had to travel where there was wind cause it was one of those ships with sails.
Joe: Totally makes sense.
Barack: Yeah. Total sense. Had to go where the wind was. No wind, no propulsion. Total science, dude.
Bill: Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that’s not the point, now quit interrupting me. It’s incredibly rude. But anyway, they all had a meeting with John Smith, complaining about the wind cause it kept blowing all their hats overboard and stuff. He told them to all put belts on them. No more blown away hats. The man was a genius.
Kerry: Yeah right, and I bet their shoes kept falling off too?
Bill: Exactly. I see all that money your parents wasted on private school wasn’t totally wasted, dude. At least you know some history.
Joe: But that still doesn’t change the fact that the pilgrims didn’t leave us any replacements for when we both kick it.
Barack: Totally. Plans off, dudes. Can’t fake our own deaths now, dude. We leave a power vacuum like that, and Putin will swoop right in and be running things. Running the crap out of America. We would be Russia.
Joe: Wait a minute. Wasn’t that the plan. Didn’t we want to be communist anyway? Here’s our easy in.
Barack: Only if we are in charge, dudes. Don’t want to be Putin’s proles.
Bill: You losers have missed the whole point of your own discussion.
Barack: Huh? There was a point? What?
Bill: The point is, why does it even matter what the founding pilgrims thought? Why does their declaration even matter? Can it even be legally binding? Did Congress pass it into law? I’m no history major, but I’m pretty sure it didn’t follow the proper legal channels. Can’t be legitimate anyway.
Barack: So what are you saying, dude?
Joe: Yeah, I’m like, totally confused. And not like the mild, baseline confusion I usually experience. This is like, total confusion.
Bill: It’s easy. We just have to write you up a will and name your own successors. I’m pretty sure I’m a lawyer. Let’s write one up really quick.
(to be continued, maybe if I feel like it)
(Barack, Joe, Bill and Kerry are in the Oval Office planning how to fake Barack’s and Joe’s deaths so they can avoid a butt kicking from Putin)
Barack: Ya, we totally have to fake our death, dude. No other options. Putin’s too wiley. Too full of wile. But now that you found out anyway, we don’t have to hide out with the street rats. We can crash at your place.
Bill: No way, dudes. You aren’t staying with me. I don’t need you two losers scaring away all the interns. Cramping my style.
Barack: Come on, dude. You gotta let us crash. We got nowhere else to go.
Bill: No way, dudes. Ya gotta make it on your own. I don’t believe in handouts.
Barack: What? Don’t believe in handouts. You totally believe in handouts, dude. Handouts all around.
Bill: Well, not with my own stuff I don’t. Not handing out my own stuff. What do I look like? The government?
Joe: I got it. I got it. I got it. We can live with all those illegal Mexicans, dude. Follow our gardener back to his shanty town and we can blend right in.
Kerry: Blend in? Blend in? How are you gonna blend in, you loser? (motioning to Barack) Now him, I can understand.
Barack: Totally. I’m a chocolate god. I could totally pull off an illegal Cuban or Haitian or something.
Kerry: Oh yeah, totally. Especially if you got one of those voodoo top hats and stuff. And like a cane. Like that dude in the James Bond movies. And some snakes. And some hot voodoo women sidekicks.
Barack: Not Michelle, though, right?
Kerry: Oh no. I thought the ‘hot’ made that point clear. No, no. But you could totally be a Haitian American dude.
Bill: Well, if he were illegal, he wouldn’t really be a Haitian American. Maybe a Haitian Unamerican?
Kerry: I don’t want to argue about semantics. But he could totally pull it off. That is all I am saying.
Bill: But whitey over there? He looks about as illegal as Whitewater, dude.
Kerry: Whitewater? That was totally illegal, dude.
Bill: You sure? I’m not in prison, dude. So I’m pretty sure it wasn’t illegal.
Kerry: You sure? I’m pretty sure someone went to prison. Pretty sure something illegal was going on there.
Bill: I’m just saying. If it were illegal, I would have done some time. Our justice system wouldn’t let me get away with it. But, ok, ok, ok. If you are gonna gripe, new metaphor. He looks about as illegal as lying under oath.
Kerry: Totally illegal too, dude. It’s perfidy. Total perfidy. Totally illegal.
Bill: I think you mean perjury, dude. Are you illiterate?
Kerry: Illiterate? Illiterate? What does that mean? Is that even a word? Perjury?
Bill: Yeah, perjury. And it’s not illegal if you don’t believe in the Bible, dude.
Bill: Yeah. If you swear on the Bible to tell the truth, but you don’t believe in the Bible, then it is totally not lying, dude. Doesn’t count. Nice legal loophole. Used it all the time.
Kerry: That doesn’t sound right. Not at all. But I don’t know enough about the law to dispute it.
Barack: Me either.
Bill: Or the Bible.
Kerry: Or the Bible.
Barack: Never read that one, either.
Kerry: Can’t dispute a thing you are saying.
Joe: But you are all forgetting something. The illegal thing you losers are forgetting about is profiling, dudes. You’re profiling me, dudes. What? Just cause I’m white I can’t pass for an illegal alien? Totally profiling, me dudes.
Bill: Never pass, dude.
Joe: Stop profiling me, dude. Stop profiling.
Bill: You’ll get shanked five feet into the shanty town.
Joe: Stop profiling. You’re profiling.
Bill: Bleeding out while they steal your shoes and your teeth.
Kerry: And your hair. For their voodoo rituals, dude. They might even make you a zombie, dude.
Bill: You wanna be the walking dead? You’ll never pass. You are not only white, dude. You are ultra white. You will never pass.
Joe: Ah, ah, ah. Wait a minute. Remember when we had that party? Remember? We all dressed up and watched 12 Years a Slave? I still have some shoe polish left, dude. Yes, yes. I can do this.
Bill: Oh yeah. You were pretty convincing, dude.
Joe: Yeah, you called security on me and everything.
Bill: Well, yeah, but that wasn’t cause we thought you were black.
Joe: Wait? What?
Kerry: You kept yapping. Throwing out spoilers. And not even about that movie.
Barack: Totally obnoxious, dude. I hadn’t seen Lincoln yet, dude. How was I supposed to know he died in the end? You totally ruined it for me.
Joe: You know, talking about Lincoln. That movie was much more impressive when I found out it was based on a true story.
Barack: Really? Well, that kind of explains why they thought it was okay to kill off the main character.
Joe: Totally. The first time I saw it I had to keep checking the credits to see if George R. R. Martin was the writer.
Hillary: Hey. What’s up guys?
Bill: Oh, we’re just helping Barack and Joe kill themselves.
Hillary: Oh, I totally want a piece of that action. I’m in.
(Bill and Kerry walking down the White House hallway. Bill is dressed in biking shorts and a t-shirt just after his morning run)
Kerry: So let me get this straight. It’s okay to have sex. And it’s okay to pet a dog. But it is not okay to pet a dog you are having sex with?
Bill: You are still not getting this. The petting is not the issue, dude. The petting is so not the issue.
Kerry: I’m confused. I’m just thinking the dog would like getting petted, you know. Wouldn’t you like to get petted. I know I’d like to get petted. If I were the dog, you know. I’m just saying.
Bill: What happened to you over in Nam? There is seriously something wrong with your head. This isn’t that confusing. Not confusing. The dog shouldn’t even be there at all, dude. No dog, dude. No petting and no dog.
Kerry: That is why I just like to stick to mannequins, you know, like regular folk.
Bill: Regular folk? Mannequins? Are you serious? You can’t be serious, dude.
Kerry: Do you mean to tell me that you are not attracted to mannequins? You expect me to believe that? Cause if that is what you are saying, if that is what you are saying, dude, then I’m not believing it. You’re lying, dude. You’re lying. You are a liar. People have been saying that about you for years. Didn’t want to believe it, but they are right. You are clearly lying.
Bill: Mannequins? Seriously? Mannequins? Any relationship I have with a mannequin is strictly platonic, dude.
Kerry: No, no, no, no, dude. I’m not hearing that. You haven’t thought this through, dude. No thinking.
Bill: Why? Why are you interesting in dating a mannequin? Tell me why. Give me one good reason why.
Kerry: One? One? I’ll give you more than one. There’s billions, dude. They’re trim and busty and flexible and nipply.
Bill: Why is that? Why are they always nipply? Why the poky nipples?
Kerry: Cause it’s so hot, dude. And sex sells, dude. Totally sells. And now you are getting me all hot and bothered. Stop distracting me, dude. Stop distracting me. They don’t resist and they don’t get restraining orders against you and they don’t giggle behind their fingers when you take your pants off and quickly shoo you out of their apartment muttering something about a girl has to have her standards and they don’t point and laugh at you behind your back with their girlfriends and they don’t block you on Facebook and they don’t look like Hillary, not even in those poor people stores, and they don’t order the most expensive item on the menu and then turn their noses up at it after one bite and give it to a homeless person and you don’t have to tell them to shut up cause you are watching ice dancing and they never care if you leave the lights and the TV on and they don’t mock you for wanting to re-enact scenes from the Twilight movies and they never used to be a man and they never get headaches and they don’t talk and talk and talk and talk and they never try to escape from your basement dungeon and they don’t care if you want to bring in a few of their friends and they don’t want to cuddle, like, ever and no matter how hot they are, you can never get them pregnant and they never keep incriminating blue dresses around. Never.
Bill: Ok, Ok, Ok. Yeah, but what if you feel like a sandwich, dude? Or you got no clean dishes? What then? Huh? What then?
Bill: Exactly. See what I’m saying. Mannequins just don’t cut it. That’s why I’m waiting for one of those Japanese robot sex maids.
Kerry: Now you got me going. All this mannequin talk. I’m all hot and bothered again. I blame you for this. Your fault. You gotta take me window shopping now, dude. You gotta.
Bill: Window shopping? You are such a woman.
Kerry: Of course window shopping. It’s just like walking through the red light district in Belgium. And you gotta distract the sales girl for me. Just until I can sneak my babydoll into the changing rooms.
Bill: Pah, I’m not gonna do that. I want no part of that. No wonder Barack made you his secretary and got confused enough to bang you.
(Enter the Oval Office and see Barack and Joe in there with a shopping cart half filled with stuff)
Barack: I heard that. I did not bang him.
Joe: You totally did. You totally banged him.
Bill: It’s true. You banged him.
Kerry: You banged me. Banged me good. Almost as good as a mannequin.
Barack: Enough. Enough. Enough. And, dude? Seriously? Biker shorts? Seriously? Do you think you can still pull that off? Doughy and pasty.
Joe: And why are you even running, dude? It’s clearly not helping. Why? It’s crazy. And the craziest thing about all you people who run, dude, is that you can choose not to. You don’t have to run, dude. Nothing’s chasing you, dude. Don’t have to run from the saber-tooths anymore. Or is it saber-teeth? Doesn’t matter. We’re modern now. We have limos. Running is for those poor secret service schmucks who have to chase your limo.
Bill: You just haven’t experienced the runners high, dude. No high.
Joe: Runner’s high? Runner’s high? Sure I have dude. You know when I experience the runner’s high? Every time I stop running. I get the runner’s high at the exact moment I stop running. High as a kite, dude. And you know why? Cause I’m not running. You should try it. Besides, it’s way easier to get high when you know where Barack keeps the choom stash. I’m pretty sure we have some near the bottom of the cart here.
Kerry: Yeah, dudes, what’s with the shopping cart anyway? Why the cart?
Barack: Oh, this. You weren’t supposed to see this. Our security reports say that Putin is going to be coming to town any day now.
Joe: And we are pretty sure he is coming to town to kick our butts.
Kerry: He is a scary dude, dude. I wouldn’t want him to kick my butt.
Barack: Yeah. Totally scary. Totally, so we are doing the only logical thing. We are gonna fake our own deaths and go live with the street rats until it all blows over.
Bill: So, it sounds to me like you are running now after all. Who’s crazy now?
Joe: Just shut up, dude!
(To be continued, maybe, if I feel like it)
I give up on politics. I just quit. I’m just gonna sit back and watch the nation collapse into a debt singularity. So I’ll just spend the last remaining years of normalcy returning to the thing I am most passionate about. Writing greeting cards. Here are some of my first attempts. Let me know which you think would be the best sellers.
- I’m really excited. Now that we have cut some of that dead wood, the company can really move forward and make some profit. Happy Early Retirement!
- You know, sometimes people resolve to lose some weight, but I think you can step it up this year. Why don’t you resolve to change your entire personality? And lose some weight. Happy New Years!
- I miss you. I miss the sound of your voice. The smell of your hair. The sight of your supple breasts. It just hasn’t been the same around the house since you left and we had to get a new nanny.
- Sorry about your cat. You know, you’re not the only one suffering. It put up more of a fight than I would have expected. My arms are pretty scratched up. They weren’t kidding about that nine lives thing, but if I threw it down hard enough or dazed it good against a wall first or something, the odds of it landing on its feet were only about 50/50, so that myth is busted.
- Missing you. I haven’t seen you in forever. Why? Why did you start shutting the blinds? Love the new shower curtain, by the way, and that soft, new quilt on your bed and that purring sound you make when you sleep, dreaming of me, I don’t doubt. I dream of you. Thinking of you. Always, thinking of you.
- Unwanted sexual advances from my roommate. Playing basketball with guys with more tattoos than brain cells. Wishing there was only a fly in my food. All because you couldn’t keep your big mouth shut. In 5 to 7 years, I’m coming for you. Wishing you were here.
- I was going to get you a box of chocolates, but given recent developments, I got you a gym membership instead. Happy Valentines Day!
- Sometimes dead is better. Congrats on your husband’s life insurance payout! For a percentage I’ll keep that evidence hidden.
- I guess you are still pretty mad at me for sleeping with your wife. But, in my defense, you left her for almost a year and she was lonely. Happy Veteran’s Day.
- So we’ve been together for 10 years now, and I know we haven’t made love as much as we used to due to the kids…. and the wife. Happy Secretary’s Day!
- Dearest grandmother, I’ve been eagerly awaiting the chance to come over again and get my hands on those dark, meaty thighs and succulent, white breasts. Yours are a singular smorgasbord with which none may compare. Happy Thanksgiving!
- Worried about you. We’ve enclosed the number for the suicide hotline. Please give them a call, and don’t do anything rash on an empty stomach. You know how grumpy you get when you are hungry. We aren’t only worried about you, but also about everyone in the potential blast radius. Happy Ramadan!
- I know it is traditional to send flowers to a funeral, but I just couldn’t bear to after little Johnny ate all the poinsettias I sent you. My condolences and merry Christmas.
- Red by yellow, kill a fellow. Red by yellow a friendly fellow. I never could keep those straight. Both were such hideous fashion sense, hon. I can’t remember which one I taught little Johnny, but it was apparently wrong. And to think their biggest concern about making me scoutmaster was that I would try to seduce the little darlings. Condolences on your loss.
- Thanks for coming to our barbeque. Who knew it was bad to leave chicken salad out in the sun all day? Sorry your mom didn’t make it, but I hope you get well soon.
- I told the guys we should have sprung for the more upscale hooker for your bachelor party. Get well soon! Wait, is herpes something you can get well from?
- I just want to thank you for helping me believe in aliens again. There is no way on earth that thing is entirely human. Congratulations on your new baby!
(Barack is duct taped naked to a chair with a light in his face being interrogated by Joe, Kerry and Gore regarding the plans of him and his reptilian space alien brethren)
Joe: You have flight 370, don’t you? What have you done with them, you cold-blooded monsters?
Barack: Dude! This is insane! Let me go! I am the President of the United States not some snaky space alien, you freakin’ nimrod! When did this alien thing even become a thing?
Joe: Become a thing? Become a thing, dude? Oh, no. This didn’t become a thing. This was always a thing. Clear back to Babylon, dude. Always. Always a thing. Of course, you already know that, dude. Don’t play dumb with me, dude. You can’t out dumb a dummy, dude. I’ll beat you every time.
Barack: I am so gonna impeach you when I get out of here. You are so impeached, dude. I am not a space alien. There are no such thing as space aliens.
Gore: He makes a valid point.
Kerry: Oh I agree. That is a good point. I really don’t believe in space aliens either, dude. Never believed in them. They’re not in the Bible, dude.
Joe: Don’t listen to him. He’s gonna try and trick you up, dude. Use his twisted alien ESP to force you to his side. Those aren’t your thoughts you’re thinking, dude. Not your thoughts.
Kerry: But how do you know it’s even real, dude? Are space aliens even a thing? I, mean, if space aliens aren’t real, then he can’t be one, right? It’s pure logic, dude. Pure logic.
Joe: I defy you to find any position I have ever taken that was based upon logic. I don’t think in logic. I only deal with reality and facts and opinions. The reptilians are real, dude. I sent you the book, dude. I sent you the book.
Kerry: Book? What book?
Joe: What book? Seriously, dude? What book? I am not hearing this. The Biggest Secret, dude. The Biggest Secret. The truth is in there, dude. It’s all in there. Thoroughly researched by David Ickes, only the most respected sports newscaster in the United Kingdom. Top notch journalism, dude. Top notch.
Kerry: That book? I thought that was, like, a horrible novel. Like a mockumentary type novel. Like it was all just pretend but written like it was real. You know, like Dreams From My Father.
Joe: Not real? Pretend? A mockumentary? Seriously, dude. A mockumentary?
Kerry: Dude, of course I thought it was a mockumentary. It read like a plot L. Ron Hubbard rejected, dude. Like it was a plot so bad Scientologists rejected it as being too kooky to believe. Tom Cruise was laughing at it, dude, laughing his horrid, cult-spawned midget laugh.
Joe: I can’t believe what I am hearing. Can’t believe it. Go to the library, dude. Just go to the library. And where will you find the book, huh? Where will you find it? That’s right. In the non-fiction section. It’s non-fiction dude. The librarian would know, dude. They can’t put it in the non-fiction section if it is fiction, dude. Can’t do it.
Kerry: That’s your proof? That’s your proof?
Joe: It’s like the law or something, dude. Can’t put fiction in the non-fiction section. It would be chaos, dude. Utter chaos. If it’s in the non-fiction section, it’s true. Totally truth. But quit distracting me, dude. No more distractions. (back to Barack) So where are all those Malaysians? What have you done with them? Boiled them, mashed them, stuck them in a stew?
Gore: Like you even care about those Malaysians, dude. They didn’t vote for you.
Joe: Oh yeah. Ok, then what did you do with the one American passenger? Tell me!
Barack: You need to adjust your Ritalin, dude. You’re crazy! I’m not a space alien. There are no space aliens, you freakin’ nimrod! Now let me go!
Joe: Then how do you explain all of the alien abductions, then, snake-dude? If there are no aliens, who is abducting all those people, huh, dude? Who is abducting? Faeries? Santa Claus? Libertarians?
Gore: The NSA…
Joe: No. It’s gotta be the aliens. Only explanation that makes sense, that fits the facts. We’re just fish to you, aren’t we? Just big, tasty land bound fish.
Barack: What are you even talking about? Have you been in my Colorado stash, dude? I told you to stay out of that stash.
Joe: We’re fish, dude. Just like fish to you. You know. The fish are all down there in the ocean, living their lives, oblivious that we and this land stuff even exist. We aren’t even here, dude. Then they are all swimming around in their schools and, whoosh, they look around. Where’s Frank, dude? Where’s Frank? Frank’s gone. He was just here, but now he is not here. Where’d Frank go, dudes? Who knows? Sometimes Frank comes back. Sometimes he doesn’t. And when he comes back, Frank has some crazy story about how some weird creatures just yanked him out of the ocean into some weird place, and he finds himself on some weird ship, and then we mess around with him and throw him back. Abductions, dude. And no one believes Frank either. They all think he is crazy. Frank’s crazy, dudes. He’s crazy. But he’s not crazy. He’s not the one who’s crazy. We’re just like fish to you. We’re all just fish.
Barack: Oh my Allah! Dudes, untie me. You can’t be buying this stuff, dudes. Untie me.
Gore: Well, he does make a very interesting case.
Kerry: Totally. He had me with the fish. I’ve totally done that with fish, dudes. Probed them all and everything. Probed them good. Sounds legit to me. I’m with Joe here.
Barack: Oh my Allah again! He’s given you no proof about this at all. No proof. You’re just believing his insane babblings. Gahhhhhh! Just untie me, you morons. Someone untie me. Untie me now!
Joe: So, it is proof you want, huh. You want proof. I’ll give you proof. (whips out a paper) Look at this. Look at it. Don’t shy away from it. Tell me what this is?
Barack: Uh, it’s my birth certificate.
Joe: Exactly. The birth certificate you refused to produce for years and years and years. Why didn’t you produce this certificate, huh? Why? Look at it closely, you lizardy bastard. Where does it say you were born?
Barack: Hawaii, of course. Where I was born. It’s a perfectly legitimate birth certificate.
Joe: Or is it a little bit too perfect? Perfectly forged. Admit it. You weren’t born in Hawaii. This should read Nevada. Admit it. You were hatched in a nest at Area 51. Yes, hatched, where you maliciously clawed your way out from your egg and viciously ate all of your male hatchmates to ensure your breeding rights with all the females and gemales in your clutch.
Barack: Gemales? What the…….
Joe: Don’t play dumb. Stupidity doesn’t suit you. You monsters have three sexes. It’s a threesome all around, baby.
Kerry: Really? Can I be a reptilian?
Joe: Shut up, you. (back to Barack) Admit it! You’re in league with the Klingons, aren’t you? Aren’t you? Where is Michelle’s Bird of Prey?
Barack: OMA!!!!!!!!! You are insane! You are all insane!
Gore: Joe is very convincing. That birth certificate does seem a little bit contrived, dude.
Kerry: Totally. If I were an evil space alien, that’s totally like the birth certificate I’d forge for myself. Exactly the same.
Gore: Totally. And I never bought Hawaii. Never bought it, dude. He doesn’t even look Hawaiian. Not Hawaiian at all. Can’t hula worth a darn.
Kerry: Never seen him roast a pig. Never.
Gore: Totally. Never even seen him eat a pig. Whenever I offer him some bacon, he’s all, like, get that unclean crap away from me, you filthy infidel.
Kerry: Dude. I just had a thought. About the pig, dude. It got me thinking. Got the wheels turning. You think he might be Jewish, too? Like, a hideous, Jewish alien. An unholy halfbreed? An abomination controlling all the media in the galaxy?
Gore: Oh, oh, oh, oh. It totally makes sense now. There is nothing wrong with your television set. Do not attempt to adjust the picture. We are controlling transmission.
Kerry: We will control the horizontal.
Gore: We will control the vertical.
Barack: OMAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!! I’m drowning in stupid! Suffocating in stupid, dudes! I am so not a Jewish space alien!
Joe: Stop this charade. Just stop it. It’s unbecoming. Right, dudes? Am I right? Totally unbecoming. I’ve been watching you, dude. Watching you for years. You are trying to make the people stupid. First it was No Child Left Behind. Now it is Common Core. Now you want to dumb down the SATs. Make Americans stupider and stupidest. You know, it’s working. We were twenty-ninth in math last time it was checked. Twenty-ninth.
Gore: Interesting point. You know who was twenty-tenth?
Joe: Not sure. But we were behind Madagascar, for crying out loud. Madagascar!
Kerry: What? We got beat by those guys who do the Indy 500?
Joe: You’re darn right, we did. We’re officially dumber than the rednecks. His plan is working. It’s working, dudes. And it’s not just that. He is making us all dependent upon the government. Can’t live without the government. Need the government for everything. Can’t take care of ourselves. Just happy little sheep docilely doing what they are told. Eat us? Fleece us? Whatever you want.
Barack: Well, duh. Of course. That is the entire progressive agenda, dude. You were in all of the meetings. You helped plan all of this.
Joe: OMG. OMG. OMG. You’re right. No. It can’t be. It isn’t true. It can’t be. But it must be. There is no other explanation. I’m a reptilian too. I’m a filthy reptilian. Don’t look at me! I’m hideous!
Kerry: No, no, no, Joe. Don’t think of it that way. You’re not really a hideous looking human being. You’re just a really good looking space alien.
Joe: No. It’s not real. I’m not reptilian. I know I’m not. He’s in my mind. He’s just in my mind. He’s messing with my mind. Okay, okay, okay. Time to play hard ball. Time to pull out the stops. (grabs the ends to the jumper cable attached to a battery) Now you are going to tell me everything I want to know.
Barack: No, no, no. Stop him, dudes. He’s crazy. Don’t let him do this. Don’t let him do this to me. Please. Stop him. Stop him. Stop him.
Joe: Who’s gonna be laughing now, huh? Who’s gonna be laughing?
Barack: No one’s laughing. Nobody’s laughing. When was anyone laughing? No, no, no, no. I’m not laughing. Not laughing.
Joe: You’re gonna tell me. You’re gonna admit everything. (He touches both clamps of the jumper cables to Barack’s nipples)
Barack: (shivering mildly) Aaaaaaah! Ooooooo! Oh yeah. That kind of tingles. Wow. Don’t’ stop. Don’t stop.
(The battery starts smoking, explodes and bursts into flames)
Joe: What the…… Where did you find that battery?
Gore: Got it out of my Chevy Volt. You totally ruined it, dude. You owe me.
Joe: Unbelievable! Will someone go find me a real car battery? Somebody. Anybody?
Bill (enters): What’s up, dudes?
Barack: Oh, thank Allah! Untie me, Bill. These guys have gone insane. They think I’m some kind of evil, lizard space alien.
Bill: What? Him? A reptilian? You are crazy, dudes. He could never be a reptilian. They only impersonate people with real influence and power who can help them attain their goals of world domination. Mostly white folk. Don’t you give me that look Barry. Don’t even. I can say stuff like that. I was the first black President, and don’t you forget it. And I know the reptilians, dude. And Barry there is no reptilian. They wouldn’t waste their time with this lame duck loser. Putin, yes. But this guy? Nah.
Joe: You serious?
Bill: Oh, totally. They’re a really great bunch of guys. We have a lot of the same goals in mind. You should come to the next meeting.
Joe: Really. I’d be welcome?
Bill: Sure. I’ll vouche for you, dude. And make sure you stick around for the after party, dude. OMG. There are some recreational things they can do to you with those probes that will blow your mind. Rock your world. Now let’s untie that loser and get hammered while I fill you in on the details.
Barack: What? So you think evolution isn’t science now? Dude, evolution is totally science. It is the most science there is. It’s the foundation of all science.
Gore: Aside from global warming, of course, dude.
Barack: Well, of course global warming too. And GMOs.
Joe: And vaccines too, dude. Don’t forget vaccines. Don’t want to catch the autism, dude. Don’t want to catch that. Not catching it.
Barack: Or root rot. Did you forget your root rot vaccine, Al? You really should get that treated, dude. Nasty, oozy stuff, dude. Oozing out of stumpy.
Gore: I do not have root rot, you freakin’ morons. It was wheat grass. Just wheat grass, dudes.
Barack: But you’re distracting me, dude. Totally distracting. We were talking about evolution. It’s totally science, dude. You’ve heard of fossils, right dude? You’ve heard of fossils?
Kerry: Fossils? Pah. Fossils. Everyone is always making a big deal about fossils. They’re just nature’s Rorschach blots, dude. Just the inkblots of nature. You just see what you want to see, dude. Just see what you want to see. Like when you see scary faces and stuff in shag carpeting and textured ceilings and stuff, dude.
Joe: Or Jesus in a burrito.
Kerry: Yes, I mean, no. Not that, dude. Not that. Those sightings are legit, dude. Don’t be dissing my Jesus burrito. But like Mount Rushmore, dude. You know Mount Rushmore? You look up there and you see those faces, right, you can see those faces? How did they get there, dude? It’s a sign dude, a total sign. Only God could have known who those presidents would have been. Only God could have seen the future and put those heads on the mount. I bet that is even where he did his sermon, dude. Proof of creation, dude. Total proof.
Barack: You’re an idiot, dude. A total idiot. You don’t even have religion right. But science? We give up. Science doesn’t even want you anymore. We don’t want you. Consider yourself rejected by science. People sculpted Mount Rushmore, dude. It was sculpted. Like a bunch of artists and stuff did that. It’s not, like, natural, dude. Not natural. Not naturally occurring.
Kerry: As if. Do you know how crazy you sound? You know how crazy? Totally crazy, dude. Like you will believe any crazy idea like Mount Rushmore was a big, conspiratorial art project. It’s all in your head, dude. You just believe what you want to believe. Same thing with the fossils, dude. It’s all in your mind. All in your head, dude. That’s why to me all fossils look like gay cowboys eating pudding. And firemen. Shirtless, blackened firemen. Sweaty, glistening….
Joe: Dude, is that why you are banned from the Natural History Museum? Is that why they have your picture on the wall by the register? The one with the censor bars across the front?
Kerry: Clean up on aisle six, dude. Totally. They have some really great stuff in that pre-cambrian section. I have all the photo gallery books at home. I’m getting all hot and bothered just thinking about it, dudes. You need a massage, Barack?
Barack: No, I do not. Get your freaky hands off of me. You’re a freak, dude. Does Theresa know about this, dude? Does Theresa know about it?
Kerry: Oh, you know her. She’s totally cool about it. Buys me trilobites every anniversary and makes a little trail with them to the bedroom, dude. You know Theresa. She’s one of a kind. I fell in love with her the first time I saw her father’s money.
Barack: You’re a freak, dude. A total freak. You’re the only one who sees erotica in the fossil record, dude. The only one. No one else sees it, dude. No one else. Everyone else sees a progressive evolution of life, dude. They see apes turning into people, dude. And stuff like that.
Kerry: Apes turning into people, dude. Do you know how crazy you sound? Monkeys turning into people. If monkeys turned into people, then answer me this, dude. Huh, answer me this. Why are there still monkeys, dude? Why are there still monkeys, then dude? If a monkey gave birth to a human, why didn’t they just kill it dude? It would be, like, some weak little bald hairless freak. No monkey momma would want that, dude. And no monkey would want to mate with it, dude. Not even the desperate ugly monkeys. It would be, like, a total pariah. Like Hillary, dude. Just like Hillary. Would you nail a monkey dude? Would you nail a monkey?
Joe: Or an Asian?
Kerry: Or any other subhuman primate, really?
Gore: Well, he did bang Kerry.
Barack: I did not bang Kerry!
Joe: And Michelle. And I saw his internet history, dude. Chock full of Asian porn. Or was it that Animal Planet mating stuff. I can never tell those apart.
Barack: Oh, you are so racist. You are such an evil, bloody racist.
Joe: Monkeys aren’t a race, dude. They’re a species. Like a totally different species. Like Asians. Or like you.
Barack: Oh, you did not just say that. I did not just hear those words come out of your mouth. You are such a racist.
Joe: I’m not racist, dude. The word is xenophobic. I’m xenophobic, dude.
Barack: Xenopho..? What? What the….?
Joe: I know your secret, dude. I know. It’s okay. I’m okay with it. I’ve always known. I know you are a reptilian, dude. A snaky, freaky reptilian.
Barack: What the…..
Joe: You don’t have to play dumb with us anymore, dude. I know. We all know. You are a blood drinking, shape-shifting, reptilian humanoid from Alpha Draconis conspiring to enslave humans and warm the planet so it is suitable for your race of cold-blooded monsters.
Barack: What the….
Joe: Don’t worry. I’m okay with it. Just put me in charge of the slaves or herds or whatever or make me a breeder or something. I’ve noticed stuff, dude. You say you are all environmental and green and stuff, but oil production is up, dude. Under your watch, US oil production is like way, way up. And every green company you invest tax money in goes bankrupt, dude. Every one. Every single one. Totally bankrupt. Does anyone else see a pattern here? A global warming pattern. Are you using your advanced alien technology to mess with our satellites and weather balloons too, dude? Making us think the warming has stopped when we know it hasn’t. The models say it is warming. The thermometers say it is not. Who you gonna believe, dude? Who you gonna believe? I know who I believe. I believe in science. Quick, Al, grab him! Don’t let him escape!
To be continued, maybe, if I feel like it.
Joe: What’s up? What’s up is that Al has some horrible, disease.
Gore: I do not.
Joe: Oh yeah. Go check his trash, dude. Check his trash. Check his trash. He has some awful, green brackish fluids just oozing out of his orifices. Go check. Go check. Go Check. I’ll hold him here with one of my patented anecdotes, dude. Go Check.
(Barack runs off).
Joe: I just got back from the dental hygienist, dude. I think she realizes she is the only one Obamacare covers. Doesn’t have to compete anymore. Total witch, dude. Total witch. There is just no pleasing that woman. I brush. I floss, but she is just grumbling and poking me with those pointy metal sticks, grumbling about tartar. Look at those gums bleed. Give me those weapons and I’ll make your gums bleed too, you sadistic witch. That never happens to me at home. And on and on about the tartar. Goodness, look at all that tartar. When you eat fish and chips, you won’t even need the sauce.
Gore: I’ve always wondered that, dude. Always wondered. What is tartar sauce? Is that where they get tartar sauce? The dentist just saves all that stuff for them? Is that the base of the sauce?
Joe: And what about sesame seeds, dude? Where do they come from? Have you ever seen a sesame tree?
Gore: I’m gonna go bury a Whopper and see what happens, dude.
(Barack quickly returns with the green, soaked Always).
Barack: It’s true! It’s totally true, dudes! Look, look, look!
Joe: That’s what happens when you make love to trees, dude. They jump, man. The diseases jump. The viruses mutate and jump species, dude. You got like bark rot or something man.
Barack: Or root rot.
Joe: Or like termites, dude. You better, like, go dip your root in pesticides or something, dude.
Gore: At least I didn’t bang a tranny. I didn’t bang Kerry.
Joe: Totally, dude. He banged Kerry. He totally banged him.
Barack: How many times do we have to have this conversation, dudes? I did not bang Kerry.
Kerry: Oh you did. You totally banged me.
Gore: But seriously, dudes. Seriously. I do not have root rot. You are all a bunch of morons. Moron. Moron. Moron. Look. Watch this, dudes. (grabs the Always and squeezes it into his mouth). It’s a wheat grass smoothie. See, dudes, just a wheat grass smoothie. That’s all it is. A wheat grass smoothie.
Joe: Ugh, I think I’m gonna be sick, dude. That is vile. That is so vile. I can’t believe you swallowed that stuff. That stuff leaked out of your body, dude. I’m gonna hurl.
Gore: No it didn’t, dude. It’s just wheat grass.
Barack: That is disgusting, dude. Totally disgusting. Way worse than that caveman diet Michelle is forcing me to try. Way worse.
Joe: Caveman diet? Dude? What even is that? A caveman diet?
Barack: I’m supposed to like, eat what cavemen would eat and stuff. And that will make me lose weight and stuff.
Kerry: Dude, you, like, can’t do that, dude. Of course you’d lose weight. You can’t eat like a caveman. You see any dinosaurs, dude? You see any dinosaurs around? You got no food supply. You’ll, like, totally starve to death, dude.
Barack: No, no, no. That’s not the diet. Of course, I can’t eat dinosaurs, dude. Can’t eat those. But I try and eat like the things an unfrozen caveman would eat today. Like, tons of meat and stuff. You know, the kinds of food that we evolved to eat. Our natural foods, dude. That’s what our body knows how to process best and stuff. That’s how we evolved.
Joe: Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Dudes. Cavemen weren’t skinny. What? Are you looking for a Flintstone physique? Last I checked, cavemen were chubby. Totally chubby, dude. You’re already, chubby, dude. The diet worked.
Barack: Seriously, dude? Seriously? The source of your information is a cartoon? The caveman diet works, dude. It’s, like, totally science.
Joe: Okay, okay, okay. Let’s assume you are right for a moment and that I am wrong. Let’s assume that cavemen were skinny and that The Flintstones, which by all accounts, was a very well researched and educational program respected among the paleo community, was wrong afterall. I would posit, dudes, that it is the caveman lifestyle not the diet that is to blame.
Barack: What the…..
Joe: Listen, listen, listen. The caveman weren’t skinny because of what they ate, dudes. They were skinny because of what it took just to feed themselves. If you had to track your wild Cherry Garcia and Chunky Monkey for five days across the frozen tundra before you could eat it, you’d be skinny too. No, you just have to call to Jeeves and have him fetch it from the freezer. They had to be more active, dude. They were burning more calories, dude. Burning more calories.
Barack: That’s not the point, dude. Not the point. Not the point at all. The caveman diet isn’t about exercise. That would be the caveman workout, dude. We’re not taking about the workout. It is about eating the foods that our bodies evolved to eat. It’s science, dude. It’s totally science.
Kerry: Wait a minute. Did I just hear you say evolution was science, dude? That science is evolution?
To be continued, maybe, if I feel like it.
Gore: You need to make a law, dude. I’m tired of getting all those free samples of crap in the mail. No more free samples, dude. Ban them. They are pox on us, dude. A pox on us all.
Joe: What, dude? What? What do you have against free samples, dude? You are a Democrat still, right? Aren’t you all about free stuff? And don’t even start telling me you don’t love those little boxes of free cereal that come in the Sunday paper, dude. Don’t even tell me that.
Gore: Well, not those, dude. Of course not those. Those are awesome. But everything else. All that stuff you don’t eat. Like last week, dude. Last week I got a sample box of Always Maxi-pads in the mail. And I can’t, like, just throw them away.
Joe: Totally. You’re, like, totally green, dude. Can’t be just wasting stuff like that, man. Gotta use it before you can recycle it, dude.
Gore: Totally. So, I’m like, obligated to use them and stuff. Can’t throw them out. What am I gonna do with these? Huh? What? I mean, I’ve seen the commercials, but I don’t even really know what these are for, dude.
Joe: You too? Those commercials, are, like totally vague, dude. I don’t even know what they are talking about. Like, I’m not the target market. I’m not in the know. But I want to be in the know, dude. Want to be in the know.
Gore: Totally. But I can’t just give them away, and I sure ain’t givin’ them to that old witch, Tipper. So, I have this big global warming presentation I have to give, and I’m like, totally nervous cause like people have been asking like really hard questions and stuff lately. Not like it was 15 years ago. Wondering why the global ain’t hottening up anymore.
Joe: Why is the world not hottening, Mr. Gore? Why no hottening?
Gore: Totally like that. Just like that. So I think, I’ll try out the Always. Can’t hurt, right, dude? Can’t hurt. How could it hurt? Oh, it hurt. That commercial, dude, is a total liar. I didn’t feel confident at all. Didn’t feel secure. Not secure at all. What I felt was paranoid. What if something happened and someone found out I was wearing this thing, dude? Way worse than wearing dirty underwear. Way worse, dude. And that adhesive strip was brutal. Tearing that thing off of me was like getting a Brazilian wax, dude. Can’t hurt, dude? Can’t hurt? It totally hurt. That was an unhappy ending, dude. A total unhappy ending. I can totally see why women are acting all crazy and stuff when they are wearing these things.
Kerry: Did I hear someone say happy ending?
Joe: Totally unhappy, dude. Are you still like all swollen and stuff? Can I see?
Gore: No, you can’t see, dude. No you can’t see. (to Kerry) And no happy endings from you. Not until I heal and you finish the gender reassignment.
Joe: Why don’t you go and do some dictation or something?
Gore: But I still got all these pads and nothing to use them for. They looked kind of like insoles, but they didn’t fit well in my shoes, but they did seem to be rather absorbent. So I kept them around for spill cleanup. Good thing, too, cause I knocked over my whole carafe of wheat grass smoothie.
Joe: That green, chunky, nasty stuff you’re always drinking? That stuff is totally nasty, dude.
Gore: Totally, but the promiscuous, vegan hippy chicks totally dig it, dude. It’s like hippy Viagra mixed with Spanish Fly ladled over oysters. But anyway, I totally spilled it all, and the Always worked. It cleaned it up. Totally cleaned up. But now I’m afraid to throw them away. The guy who sorts through the recycle bin is gonna see those and think I have some horrifying, oozing disease now.
Barack: What’s up, dudes?
To be continued, maybe, if I feel like it.
In order to help offset the cost of Obamacare, President Obama has wielded his mighty pen and decreed an executive order to bring solvency to the program. The administration will raise sufficient funds through the sale of a commemorative President’s Day 2014 wall plaque designed by the President himself. This plaque, along with the soothing knowledge that your donation has helped offset unnecessary bureaucratic costs for this fiscal year, can be yours for the low, low price of $15,000. The Constitution prohibits the government from forcing you to buy the plaque, but if you chose not to partake in this generous offer, you will be fined $20,000 or 15% of your unadjusted gross income, whichever is greater.
The plaque contains quotations hand selected by President Obama himself, chosen because of the deep impact they and those who said them had upon him and his life. They have helped mold him into the President he is today.
These handsome, hand crafted, gold-inlaid President’s Day plaques, made from recycled materials using union labor and 100% carbon-free energy, cost more to make then we are charging for them, and they will only go up in value. It is a plaque that you will want to prominently display as a constant reminder to you and your family of the principles that make our current President so great. Here is a selection of the wisdom it contains.
- Do or do not. There is no try. – John the Beloved
- Say hello to my little friend. – Andre the Giant
- Personally, Veda’s convinced me that alligators have the right idea. They eat their young. – James Lee, the eco-terrorist
- Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here. This is the War Room! – Jimmy Carter
- Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. – Hannah Montana
- Son, you got a panty on your head. – Barack Obama, Sr.
- But I’m funny how? I mean, funny like I’m a clown? I amuse you? – Bozo the Clown
- Show me the money. – Tim Geithner
- Mrs. Robinson, you’re trying to seduce me, aren’t you? – Mr. Robinson
- Take your stinkin’ paws off me, you damn dirty ape. – Jane Goodall
- Hitler was better-looking than Churchill, he was a better dresser than Churchill, he had more hair, he told funnier jokes, and he could dance the pants off of Churchill! – Franklin Delano Roosevelt
- No, I’m all man. I even fought in WWII. Of course, I was wearing women’s undergarments under my uniform. – John F. Kennedy, Jr.
- Excuse me while I whip this out. – Bill Clinton
- And I guess that was your accomplice in the wood chipper. – Warren Commission Report, question posed to Lee Harvey Oswald
- Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son. – Teddy Kennedy
- Joey, do you like movies about gladiators? – Barney Frank
- Listen, strange women lyin’ in ponds distributin’ swords is no basis for a system of government. – Thomas Jefferson
- May the Force be with you. – Joseph Stalin
- I’m the king of the world! – Barack Obama, Jr.
- To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women. – Ronald Reagan
Log on to healthcare.gov now and get your commemorative plaque before it’s too late. It’s the law. Navigators are standing by.
Legal Disclaimer: Because you are purchasing your plaque through healthcare.gov, you may need to purchase three or more before the system will successfully credit you for your purchase, your credit card may be charged multiple times for each purchase with no recourse to correct the error, and your personal information may be stolen by the ex-con who is working as your Navigator or by junior high school geeks who are trying their hand at hacking for the first time. Donors to Obama or the DNC as well as individuals associated with any liberal special interests groups are exempt from this special, limited offer.
For those of you who, unlike me, have procrastinated making Valentine’s Day plans and purchasing gifts, here are some tips to celebrating the holiday that have helped me in the past.
- I challenge any women to tell the difference between the See’s Chocolates fresh from the store and the slightly marred ones I salvaged from their dumpster
- When looking for flowers, funeral homes and cemeteries always have the nicest arrangements
- It may seem like a good idea to give housekeeping supplies as a gift, but that is never well received
- Make sure the escort you order is less attractive than your significant other
- While surprises may be exciting, it is sometimes best to talk about things first. Valentine’s Day may not be the best time to unexpectedly bring out the edible clown makeup for the first time
- I have learned through sad experience that, despite rumors to the contrary, conversation hearts are not an aphrodisiac, and they are also a poor substitute for use in either conversation or transplantation
- A Human Centipede marathon is a poor way to get her in the mood
- Reenactments of the St. Valentine’s Day massacre aren’t generally regarded as sexy to most women
- No matter how much they complain about their weight, women are never happy when you give them a gym membership for Valentine’s Day
- Don’t waste your time with jewelry. There is never any in the dumpster behind the store, and the stuff you can steal from grandma’s bedroom is way too tacky
Reporter: With all the criticism your administration has been receiving regarding what amounts to an NSA data mining operation targeting citizens, are you planning on changing the NSA surveillance policies?
Obama: Let me be perfectly clear. It is important that we maintain this level of surveillance in order to protect ourselves from threats. I can assure you that you can trust us with this sensitive information.
Reporter: What would you say to those who claim it seems a bit too much like Big Brother is watching? And can you be specific about what threats?
Obama (watching telescreens showing the communal prole women’s showers and speaking into intercom): Threats from Eurasia and Eastasia, of course. Now don’t bother me again. I’m busy surveilling (returns to watching the prole women’s showers).
Biden (entering): Hey, Big Brother.
Obama (Big Brother): Hey Little Brother. You know, after putting Michelle in charge of the Ministry of Plenty, spying on the citizenry is much more pleasant. Those forced starvation rations based on her school lunch guidelines are working wonders. No more fatties. But, hey, what’s up?
Biden: Can’t you notice? I just got back from the Ministry of Death for my annual preventative medical exam. Can you see what has changed? (posing jauntily)
Obama: How could I miss it?
Biden: Don’t you love it? After being on the waiting list for almost 8 months, I finally got my whisker plugs. Now I have a mustache as full and luxurious as yours.
Obama: Have you seen it yet? You may want to check a mirror.
Biden: What the……?
Obama: No stache at all. But those are some mighty fine handlebar eyebrows you are sporting now, though. (starts stroking Joe’s eyebrows) Feels kind of coarse and crinkly. And is that Speedstick? I think they may have gotten the transplant from your pits. You might not want that particular hair right under your sniffer, anyway.
Biden: I thought it felt wrong somehow. Ooooooo. I feel a two minute hate coming on.
Hillary (enters): Trivia question. You know the origins of that two minute hate, don’t you?
Biden: Uh, no.
Hillary: We had to go with the lowest common denominator. It takes you that long to count to ten and cool off.
Biden (sarcastically): Ha, ha, ha. And that is a two minute hate on you too. A two minute hate on both of you.
Pelosi: And you look hideous. Let me guess. Dr. Nick screwed up a procedure again.
Obama: Yeah, the Ministry of Death has had its fair share of mix ups after we put Dr. Nick Riviera in charge. His late night advertisements looked so promising, too. I thought he would bring his brand of high quality care and bargain basement prices to government healthcare. I guess you get what you don’t pay for.
Biden: He’s still running things better than Sibelius.
Biden: I’m still pretty cheesed about this mustache mix up. I do look hideous. The Ministry of Praise is gonna hear about this.
Obama: No, no, no. Stay away from the Ministry of Praise. They’ll just send you to the Ministry of Love’s GITMO facility and you’ll never get your mustache that way. A lot of Room 101s down there. But not to worry. You’re not a prole. In a couple of months you can get that mix up fixed up. It’s just business as usual. We can’t expect perfection in the system, even when you know as much as I do. Remember a couple of years ago when Michelle ‘encouraged’ people to lose weight by ‘voluntarily’ following her ration plan? Well, about that time the Ministry of Death reported a sharp decline in liposuction procedures. Makes sense, right. But then what happened? At about that same time, the Ministry of Plenty began complaining about shortages in cooking fat. Who knew liposuction and cooking fat supplies were related? Who would have guessed it? Who knew that was where prole cooking fat came from? Central planning is hard. But what brings you here, Hillary? We already had the Ministry of Truth write things up making you the hero of Benghazi. What more do you want?
Hillary: Oh, I caught Bill with another intern, so I placed an anonymous tip accusing him of thoughtcrimes. He’s in room 101 now. I was hoping you could pull it up on the telescreen so I could watch.
Obama: Oh, of course. Of course. Wouldn’t miss it. Here we go.
Telescreen changes to show Bill strapped to a chair nude in room 101.
Interrogator: What does 2 + 2 = 4?
Joe (yelling at telescreen): I know. I know. 5! 5! 5!
Obama: Good job, Little Brother.
Bill: 4. It equals 4.
Interrogator: I guess it will come to this after all. Bring in the boxers.
Assistants cart in a pair of wire, mesh boxers with a cage at the front full of hungry rats.
Interrogator: You asked me before, Bill, what was in room 101. You already knew. Everyone does. Room 101 contains the worst thing in the world. It goes beyond fear or pain or death. It is unendurable. And it varies from individual to individual. It may be being buried alive. Or castration or a great many other things. In your case, it is castration by rats.
Hillary: Yes! Yes! Yes!
Bill: No. Please. What is it you want me to do?
Interrogator: You know what is required of you.
Bill: How can I do it if I don’t know what it is?
Interrogator: In the proletarian areas, they will attack a baby and within five minutes strip it to the bone. They attack the sick and dying. They show astonishing intelligence in knowing when a human being is helpless.
Interrogator: The boxers fit over your crotch, leaving no exit. I press the first lever, and the rats move into the front compartment. I press the second and the door to the cage will slide up. The starving brutes will shoot at you like bullets. Have you ever seen a rat leap through the air? They will leap onto your crotch and eat right into it. I will leave the details to your imagination.
Bill: Please tell me. What do you want?
Interrogator (pulls first lever)
Bill: Do it to her.
Interrogator: To the intern?
Bill: No, no, no. Not the intern. She’s hot. No. Do it to Hillary. No one likes her. No one will miss her. Do it to her. Then we will all be happy. That is what you must want.
Hillary: Oh, you bastard! Let me at him!
Bill: Please. Please. Do it to her. Do it to her. Do it to Hillary. That is what we all want. Please. Please.
Reporter: Please, Mr. President. One follow up question.
Obama: I will field no further questions at this time. Good afternoon.
(The gang are in the Oval Office working on the State of the Union Address and trying to get Hillary to try the tobacco juice to see if it is safe)
Biden: But, seriously, Hill. I’m, like, totally sorry for all those sexy comments. Seriously.
Hillary: Sexist comments.
Biden: Yeah, that’s what I meant. Sexist comments. Let me make it up to you. Have some juice. This is some special, high quality stuff. Michelle says this is, like, the same juice the US Olympic team is drinking every morning in Sochi.
Bill: Dude! You in to product placement now, too? How much they paying you to say that?
Biden: Dude, what are you talking about? What are you even talking about?
Bill: Product placement, dude. Advertising. That is where the money is. You’re a celebrity now. You need to jump on the endorsement wagon train, dude. Is that what smells like blueberry cigars?
Biden: What? No. Of course not, dude. Who would make blueberry cigar juice? Who would do that? That would be crazy! Who would do that? But what’s with you and the blueberry cigars, dude? When did that become a thing?
Bill: Monica was into some weird stuff, dude. Freaky stuff. Her ‘tell-all’ didn’t tell nearly all of what she did with that cigar, dude. Not nearly all. Didn’t tell any of her quirky stuff. You ever see 9 ½ weeks? You ever see that? You see that, dude?
Hillary: 9 ½ weeks? Ha! With you? Try 9 ½ seconds.
Bill: Shut up! No one asked you, witch. Why are you even still here? But anyway, she had this blow up Willie Wonka blueberry suit and this freaky orange midget and those cigars. I can’t tell you what she did with the midget and the cigars. Literally, I can’t. It was so bad I roofied myself afterwards, so I know it was some bad, freaky stuff, dude. I only roofie myself when it’s so bad I can’t bear to remember it, dude. I still wake up at night with that freaky oopma loompa song clanging around in my head, and I’m totally shriveled and shaky. But the most important thing is choosing the right roofie dude, which is why I always use Shame-Away brand forget-me-nows. That’s Shame-Away from Glaxo-Smithcline. Ask for it by name. See, dude. Product placement. I get $150 every time I say that. You just have to sign this witness form to vouch for me. Just sign there and there, and your social there, good, and your mother’s maiden name, and your Visa account number and PIN. Perfect. And bam, I just made $150. It’s just that easy. I can hook you up if you want, but back to Monica, dude. The worst thing I can remember. The worst thing, dude. The worst was Thanksgiving. There was this thing she did with cranberries, a turkey leg, a wishbone and an Apache squaw that was too freaky even for me. It was like 9 ½ Weeks 2: The Biggest Loser. You will never want to have anything to do with food or reproduction ever again, dude. Never again. I still can’t eat Thanksgiving dinner, dude. Not eating it.
Barack: Dude, why are you even here? Can’t you see we’re busy? We’re working here. We’re working and you are totally distracting us. You’re a total distraction.
Bill: Where three or four of you losers are gathered together, I just know there is something mockable going on. There is something going on that I need to mock. Besides, I’m taking a break. I just finished going around the neighborhood and informing everyone that I was a registered sex offender.
Barack: Dude, why? Why, dude? You don’t have to do that. I totally pardoned you for all that stuff. Totally pardoned.
Bill: I know, dude. I know. But it’s great, dude. It’s the best way I’ve ever found to keep those blasted kids off my lawn. It works, dude. It totally works, and I get to see where all the cute chicks in the neighborhood live. Got three dates, dude.
Hillary: You know I am standing right here, don’t you. You can see me right here? I can hear you, dude.
Biden: Just ignore him. Here, try the juice. What do you think?
Hillary (sips the juice): OMG! That is vile! That is so vile! Get that away from me!
Kerry: Dudes, dudes, dudes, we are losing track of why we are here. We need to choose the winning state dude. That’s step one, really. Can’t get far until we choose the state of the union, dudes. I’m voting for Texas, dudes.
Barack: Texas! Are you insane, dude? Are you insane? Not Texas. Never Texas.
Kerry: Texas! Of course Texas. Texas is badass. We need that on our side, dude. We need that popularity boost. That’s the state we need at our back, dude.
Barack: I don’t know what state wins, but it sure isn’t Texas, dude. Anyone but Texas, dude.
Kerry: You’re just saying that cause you couldn’t survive there. Couldn’t survive. You aren’t tough enough. Don’t have my training. You ever been there? You ever been there, dude?
Barack: Of course I’ve never been there. That is why I have the body doubles, dude. I’m not going down there. Three of them never made it back out. They just disappeared, dude. Gone. They’re just gone. Then Bush shows up to visit showing off his new black leather coat and boots. Threat perceived, dude. Threat perceived.
Kerry: Totally. That’s what I’m talking about. They still like execute people and stuff down there. Totally executing every day, right out in public, too. Right in the playground so the kids can watch. Executions aren’t cruel and unusual down there. They are cruel and usual. Totally usual, dude. True story. I was down there during execution season. And do you know how the governor chooses who to pardon, dude? You seen his program? You seen what he does? They haul out about a dozen of those electric chairs, put them in a circle and start playing the music. Musical electric chairs, dude. Musical electric chairs. And that was just for moving violations. Just for traffic tickets, dude. Don’t let them catch you speeding in Texas. Don’t mess with Texas, dude. They’ll mess you back. Mess you back good.
Barack: No, no, no, no. Texas is not going to be state of the union this year. Not gonna happen, dude.
Hillary: Hand that juice back over here, Joe. It is so vile, but I have a strange craving for it. I can’t stop drinking it. Give it here! Give it to me! GIVE IT TO ME NOW!
Biden: That’s cause your body is craving all those vitamins and minerals, dude. That’s normal, dude. Totally normal.
Kerry: Well, then what state am I secretary of again? Can we choose that state? I want the perks, dude.
Hillary (licking every drop of the juice from the glass): More, Joe! Give me more! I want more! More now! More! More! More!
Bill: So, what are you all working on here?
Barack: That state of the union address thingie, dude. Got to make it decent this year.
Bill: You’re too late for that, dude. That was like, last week or something.
Barack: No way, dude. Seriously? Seriously dude? I don’t remember it at all.
Bill: It was excruciating, dude. Totally excruciating. That’s why we all took a bunch of Shame-Away brand forget-me-nows. Minds are totally wiped clean, dudes. Totally clean. That’s why I always use Shame-Away brand forget-me-nows. That’s Shame-Away from Glaxo-Smithcline. Ask for it by name. I only remember on account of I saw it mentioned in the paper the next day. Gave me an awful flashback. By the way, can you sign this witness form for me? Thanks.
Kerry: So what state won?
Hillary (retching violently): I think I’m gonna die, dudes. More juice. I think I need more juice! Joe, is that you? If it is, then bring me some more blasted juice! NOW! NOW, JOE! NOW! NOW! NOW!
Biden: That’s totally normal, dude. You’re body is just purging the toxins. You’re purging the toxins, dude.
Bill: What’s up with her? Did she catch a glimpse of herself naked or something?
Barack: See, I told you you couldn’t juice tobacco, dude. Listen to me next time. I know everything, dude. Don’t forget that, dude.
Biden: Guess I better go outside and get my fix the old fashioned way. I guess trying to escape smoking is like trying to find another cigarette with the bold, smooth taste and smokeability of Phillip Morris. Pointless. It’s a sure sign of a good time, dudes. So how do I get people to pay me for saying stuff like that?
Barack: You think we should call an ambulance?
Bill: No worries. I think she got most of it out. Hey, Hill. Make sure you clean up after yourself when you are done. You totally reek.
Hillary (moaning): You guys really suck. I hate you all so much. No, no. no. no. Leave the juicer. LEAVE THE JUICER, JOE! DON’T YOU DARE TAKE THAT JUICER!
Barack: You sure she’s gonna be okay?
Bill: She’ll be fine, dude. She is, like, exempt from Obamacare and stuff.
Barack: What, dude? Obama what?
Bill: You been shaming-away a lot of stuff, dude. Probably for the best, dude. Probably for the best. Most of America would like to shame it away too, dude. To bad Obamacare doesn’t cover Shame-Away. You should be passing it out like birth control, dude.
(Barack, Biden, Hillary and Kerry are in the Oval Office preparing the State of the Union address, and Biden is trying to get Hillary to try his tobacco juice to test it for toxicity)
Hillary: So what do you have so far?
Barack: What do you think of this part right here? (begins reading) “The Republicans have been accusing me of supporting draconian policies that will force Americans to choose among the dystopian visions depicted in Brave New World or Children of Men or 1984 or Harrison Bergeron. This is a false choice. I say, why choose? With hope and change we can have it all. To them I say, yes we can!”
Biden: I’m already sleeping, dude. Already asleep.
Kerry: I’m, like, totally confused, dude. Like, what state are you even talking about?
Barack: What do you mean, dude?
Kerry: Like, what state, dude? What state won this year? What state is the state of the union?
Barack: What? Huh? I don’t know, dude. I don’t know. Is that what the state of the union is all about?
Kerry: It’s a total pageant, dude. Ya gotta choose a winner.
Hillary: No, no, no. I’m pretty sure it’s a scholarship competition. Pageants are so sexist.
Kerry: Totally. Especially now that they can all wear, like, bikinis and stuff. Totally sexist, dude. Totally sexist. I totally started watching them now.
Hillary: Not sexy, you nimrod. Sexist. Sexist. As in John Kerry is a sexist pig.
Kerry: You’re just mad because you found out I’m getting paid more to be secretary than you were. It’s totally true, dude. You were only making like 77% of what I am getting paid for doing less. It must suck being a woman. Tell me how much it sucks. Come on, tell me.
Hillary: You are such a dick. Such a dick, dude. Women are way better at stuff than all you dudes. We should be running stuff. We are way better at stuff. Way better.
Kerry: Yeah, like doing the dishes.
Barack: And ironing.
Biden: And, like, uh…..
Kerry: And making sandwiches.
Barack: But not even at secretary stuff. Not even that. You weren’t better at secretary stuff. Kerry gives way better massages than you ever did, dude. Way better. And the endings are way happier, dude. Way happier. He doesn’t even have to wear the bag. Don’t make him wear the bag. No bag. No bag for him.
Biden: Oh, yeah. I totally forgot. You banged Kerry. Ha ha ha ha! You banged him.
Barack: No, dude. No. How many times do we have to go over this. Happy endings are not banging. They aren’t banging.
Kerry: I’m pretty sure you banged me, dude. You banged me.
Biden: You heard it. You banged him.
Barack: Well, it’s still less embarrassing than banging Hillary, dude.
Biden: Well, of course dude. It’s, like, Hillary. What is she even doing around here anymore? Didn’t we kick her out of the gang, like, years ago? Why is she still around? Why is she here?
Hillary: You are so freakin’ ignorant, dudes. So ignorant. Women are way better at stuff then men. It’s, like, science, dudes. It’s proven. You can’t argue with science, dudes. Our brains are, like, all interconnected and stuff, like, the neurons are all woven together and stuff not like yours. That’s why, like, we can multitask but you men can’t. Our brains are superior, dudes. Totally superior. We are like total thinking machines. It’s science, dudes. It’s totally science.
Barack: Oh, yeah? Oh yeah? If you women are so totally smart and so totally good at multitasking, then answer me this. Answer me this. If you are so good at multitasking, then why can’t you have a headache and have sex at the same time? Huh? Those two simple things. Answer me that. Answer me that.
Kerry: Yeah, totally. Like I totally had sex once with like an ingrown toenail, dude. I can totally multitask like a bitch. Totally multitask better than a woman.
Barack: And if you are having sex with Hillary, dude, you have to. You have to multitask. You have to. Anything to make you forget what you are doing. TV, radio, read the paper, clip your toenails, bring in some other women. Anything, dude. Absolutely anything to make you forget what is happening.
Kerry: I’m with you there, dude. I’m with you. Totally with you, but you know what is totally sexist, dude? Totally sexist? Monopoly.
Kerry: Yeah, Monopoly, dude. Monopoly. They totally hate women. They changed their pieces, dude. They got rid of the iron, dude. Totally got rid of it. Now what piece are the women gonna use when they play? Huh? What piece are they gonna use? They don’t want women to play at all. Totally sexist, dude. They totally hate women. I had to take the car and put little dents in it so they have a piece they can relate to.
Barack: You are such the progressive, dude. Total progressive.
Kerry: Of course, but I don’t know why the women want to play anyway. They can’t win, dude. They never win.
Barack: Don’t have a mind for business, dude. No mind. No mind at all.
Hillary: You guys suck, you know. You totally suck.
Kerry: Even when they play with no dudes, dude, the women still never win. Never win. They never win. I saw four chicks playing it once, dude. No one won. Before the game was through it had devolved into a fight over shoes and the next thing you know: mud wrestling. It turned into mud wrestling. Monopoly transformed into mud wrestling. True story, dude. True story.
Barack: Ah, mud wrestling. Everyone wins with mud wrestling.
Kerry: Totally. Like, pageants should totally add mud wrestling. It should go talent competition, swim suit and then mud wrestling.
Barack: Yeah, and skip the personality bit. Like that ever mattered, dude. Never matters. Not if you are a good mud wrestler.
Hillary: You are all pigs, dude. I’m surrounded by pigs. You haven’t yet dealt with my science, dudes. You’re totally ignoring the science. Women are totally better than men at, like, everything. It’s science, dudes. It’s totally science.
Bill (enters Oval Office): Oh yeah, if women are so great, when was the last time you saw one win a war? Huh? I’ll believe women are superior when they’ve won a war or when they’ve successfully repressed an entire gender.
Hillary: You suck, dudes. You all suck. You are so gonna be hating it in a few years when I am President. I am so gonna repress you. I am gonna repress you so hard. You are gonna be repressed like you have never been repressed before. You all will be repressed. The pump will be on the other foot then. So on the other foot.
Biden: Dudes, dudes, dudes. This is why everyone calls me the intellect of the party.
Barack: No one calls you that, dude. No one would ever call you that.
Biden: Just shut up and listen. Shut up, shut up, shut up, okay. I just had a brilliant idea, dudes. When Hillary is, like, President, she will only be paid, like, 77% of what you are making, right? It’s statistics, right? So I’m right? So, like, the government will be saving money. So, dudes, fire all the men in the government and hire women. We’d save, like, 48% on paying them and stuff. Right off the board, like, 48% savings. Bye-bye deficit. Bye-bye. I’m totally balancing the budget, and we could all, like, stay home and watch football and mud wrestling.
Bill: Would never work. We want a government that is run competently.
Hillary: Oh, I am gonna repress you so hard when I get elected. So hard.
Bill: Why does it smell like cigars dipped in blueberry compote in here?
(To be continued, maybe, if I feel like it)
(Kerry enters Oval Office)
Kerry: Dude, we totally have to go over my plans for the security for your state of the union thingie.
Barack: What? You aren’t on my security detail, dude. Not on my detail.
Kerry: Seriously, dude. Seriously. Do you know how many people, like, hate you? I mean, like, really hate you. Don’t tell me you are going to trust your security to those stuffed suits, dude, when you have an expert like me on staff. You can’t be serious, dude.
Hillary (enters): Sup, guys?
Barack: You aren’t on security, dude. And you’re not an expert. You are so not an expert.
Kerry: Yeah, right. I am totally an expert. And you can’t stop me. It’s like my patriotic duty to keep you safe. It’s, like, in the Constitution or something, dude. It’s in the Constitution. (Pushes aside Biden’s juicer and spreads out sheaves of paper on the desk) Just look at your seating chart here. It is all wrong, dude. All wrong. It’s just so wrong. What can I say, it’s all wrong. We need to move Hillary right next to you, dude. Like, right next to you.
Barack: I don’t want to sit next to Hillary. She doesn’t use enough perfume, dude. Doesn’t cover up her natural musk, dude. Doesn’t cover it up. No covering. No covering at all.
Kerry: Do you want to be safe, huh? Do you want to be safe? Tell me you want to be safe. She is integral, dude. Integral. We need someone expendable right there. Totally expendable. If there is a shooter, I’m gonna push her into the line of fire and leap over her and karate chop the shooter. I can’t take the bullet myself, cause I need to be free for the karate chopping. We need a large, expendable shield, so, of course, Hillary.
Barack: That does kind of make sense.
Hillary: Dudes, I’m standing right here.
Barack: But do we really want her ugly mug where the cameras might catch a glimpse of it? Do we really want to broadcast that into everybody’s homes? Can we at least dress her up as a clown so she will be less distracting? Oh, speak of the Bozo. When did you get here?
Hillary: Ha. Ha. You just can’t handle sitting too close to all this. Can’t have all this eye candy distracting from your highness’ words.
Barack: Ya, you’re eye candy, alright. Black licorice.
Kerry: Totally. You’re, like, the black licorice of eye candy. Not all candy is good, you know. Not all is good. Some is downright disgusting.
Barack: Nauseating, if you will. Downright nauseating.
Hillary: You know, I hate you guys. I really do. I hate you guys so much. Now do you want my help or not?
Biden: Oh, we definitely want your help. Thirsty?
(To be continued, maybe, if I feel like it)
Biden (carries in a juicer, sets it on the Oval Office desk and scrambles underneath looking for an outlet)
Barack: Dude, you got to get out of here, man. I can’t have that racket going on. I’m totally busy preparing for that state of the union thing.
Biden: Wait? What? Why, dude? I mean, why? Don’t you have like interns and junk to do your work for you? I haven’t worked an ounce since I started in on this sweet government gig.
Barack: Did you listen to those last speeches? Did you, dude? Did you listen to them? Did you even listen to them?
Biden: Why in the world, dude? Why would I listen? Why? I just stand up and clap when everyone else does. Your speeches are so boring, dude! Total snooze-arama.
Barack: Totally, dude! My speechwriters totally suck. That’s my point. I’m a better speech writer than all my speechwriters. That’s why I totally have to do it myself, dude. Got to get it done right this year.
Biden: Totally! And I can help you spell out all the big words in the teleprompter phonetically so you don’t have to pause and figure them out and stuff.
Barack: Totally! No wait. Shut up, you dick. Like, you don’t even know what phonetk…that word means.
Biden: See? See? Just what I was saying, dude. Look at the prompter. Fo net ik lee. Say it again. Fo net ik lee.
Barack: You are such a douche, dude. Such a douche. Why don’t you go see if Hill has a use for you?
Biden: No time. Got to get my morning juicing in dude. I’m totally going to be healthy now.
Barack: What, did you lose a bet with Michelle again? That’s what you said last week. Didn’t you give that up already?
Biden: It was just a minor setback, dude. I busted my old juicer the first time I used it. Just a minor setback, dude. A minor setback. The ham, steak and eggs like, totally clogged it up, dude. Who knew that stuff would clog the juicer’s arteries and stuff? Totally ruined. They wouldn’t even honor the warranty. Claimed it was totally my fault. Turns out you can only juice like vegetarian stuff. Who woulda thunk it, dude? Huh? Who woulda? Ham and egg juice. Liver and onion juice. Bacon cheeseburger juice. Rib juice. Who wouldn’t want juices like that? You know what I am saying? You know what I am saying, dude? Darn right you do. But I got my vegetables here. I got my fruits. Got my new juicer and I’m gonna try again. Michelle promised me I’d feel 20 years younger if I started juicing.
Barack: So here’s to proving her wrong again. Dude, what even is that? Is that arugula?
Biden: Arugula? Arugula? No. No, arugula? Is that even a thing? Who would juice arugula? No, dude, no, no. This is tobacco, dude. Primo stuff right from Phillip Morris. It’s not Cuban, but I guess it will do.
Barack: What the ….? Tobacco?
Biden: What the nothing. It’s totally tobacco, dude.
Barack: You can’t juice tobacco, dude!
Biden: You can totally juice tobacco.
Barack: You can’t juice tobacco, dude! No you can’t!
Biden: I totally can, dude. I saw it on the infomercial. You can juice lettuce. Carrots with that green stuff still on top. Cabbages. Apples with all the seeds and stuff in them. You can totally juice all that stuff. If you can totally juice all that stuff, you can totally juice tobacco. It’s just like leaves, dude. It’s just leaves. Like lettuce with a kick. If you hadn’t moved your stash, I would have totally sweetened it up with your weed too, dude. But now I got to use blueberries instead. That’s what you have reduced me to, dude. Juicing fruit. You did this to me. Besides, what did you expect? You won’t let me smoke inside anymore, and I can’t possibly maintain my three pack a day habit during those five minute smoke breaks you give me. I’m smoking, like 8 at a time, dude. It’s totally messing up my lips. And just look at my teeth. This way I can take my smooth, refreshing Phillip Morris hit with me all day long.
Barack: No, what I mean, is if you drink that tobacco juice, it will kill you.
Biden: Like, shut up, dude. I am so tired of hearing that! Cigarettes cause cancer. Blah, blah, blah. I know that, dude. We all totally know that! No one has respect for us smokers. And they should, dude. They should. How many of those naysayers have the courage to wake up every day and face cancer like a man? I do! Every day man! Every day! I’m fearless, dude. Totally fearless! I’m so tired of all this cancer talk.
Barack: Totally dude. I hope I come up with a cure soon.
Biden: Totally. I’m getting so sick of walking 5 Ks.
Barack: Totally. And does that even help? How does walking cure cancer?
Biden: And if it cures cancer, then why am I walking? Huh. Why am I the one that is walking? I don’t have cancer? If all this walking cures cancer, they should have all those sick dudes do the walking. You know what I’m saying, dude? All those bald little kids should be doing the walking. Get them off the bed and whip those lazy kids into shape. It’s for their own good. You know what I am saying? My walking doesn’t cure anybody. Oh, that juice looks good. I can smell the nicotiny goodness.
Barack: No, dude, you can’t drink that, dude. I mean that if you eat tobacco, it will kill you. It is poisonous. You won’t maybe die of cancer some day. You will die of poisoning now.
Biden: No way!
Biden: No way!
Biden: I don’t believe you. You’re messing with me. The surgeon general paid you off, dude. He must have totally paid you off.
Barack: No, dude. I’m being totally straight with you. I know. I’ll prove it you. Let’s call Hillary in and have her try it. Then you’ll see. Then we’ll see who’s telling the truth. Glass it up and I’ll call her. I’ll tell her I need her help with my state of the union thingie.
(To be continued, maybe, if I feel like it)
Reid: Of course we are on board with your push to reduce income inequality, but we are worried about how to brand it.
President Obama: I know, I know. You don’t have to explain it to me. I’m the smartest man in the room. What do you mean?
Reid: I know. But we need to plan this right. We have to spin the programs so they don’t appear to be blatant income redistribution. That will never fly in the current atmosphere. We have to sell this to the public in a way that we haven’t gone before.
Captain James T. Barack (voice over): Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Socailize. Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no man has gone before, and to bring them the social justice, equality and freedom that can only come through submission to the yoke of the state.
(Star Trek theme song)
Captain Barack: I just want to congratulate everyone on another job well done. This calls for a celebration. In an excellent example of following our prime directive, of interfering with all alien cultures and bringing them under the wise hand of the Federation, we have gone to Ardana, cast those uppity upper class individuals living in Stratos back to the surface where they can mine the zenite side by side with the troglodytes all for the greater good of the Federation. The caste system is abolished, equality is achieved and the planet’s resources are now in the wise hands of the Federation planners to distribute as they know best. Long live the Federation! Free drinks for everyone tonight!
Sulu (wearing a female uniform and joyfully jumping up and down): Oh, hurra! Hurra! Hurra!
Captain Barack: Except for you, Sulu. You’re already drunk. In fact, you’re on the verge of becoming flamboyantly drunk and we have learned by sad experience that that is only one step away from hitting on me.
Sulu (slurring and giggling): Oh, who are you to judge? You’re such a flaming xenosexual. How many troglodytes did you have to sleep with on this mission? Not that there is anything wrong with that.
Captain Barack: Just the queen. At least, I think it was the queen. It can be hard to distinguish which sex is which with aliens, and sometimes you have three or four genders to choose from. But somehow I always manage to leave them wanting more. And, except for those species that eat their mate, it’s the safest sex in the universe. Incompatible DNA is foolproof birth control, and my physiology is so foreign to alien STDs, the germs don’t even know how to infect me. That’s why I married a Klingon. Or was it Sasquatch? I’ve slept with so many things I forget.
Sulu (purring): Ooooooo. All that dirty talk gets me so hot and bothered. You sure you don’t want to boldly go where many men have gone before?
Captain Barack: This is exactly that flamboyantly drunk I was talking about….
Spock: Captain, a ship is decloaking right in front of us. It is a Kkkhristian Bird of Pray. They are trying to communicate, sir.
Captain Barack: Put them on the screen.
(The Kkkhristian crew appears on the view screen. They are bitter, clingy, bearded, suspendered, gun-toting rednecks)
Captain Barack: Kkkhan!
Kkkhan: Ah, so you do remember me, Captain. I’m glad you remember. I remember you as well. I remember when President Cuomo decreed that Kkkonservatives and Kkkhristians had no place on earth. How we were not ‘one of you.’ I remember how you rounded us up and left us on that desert waste of Ceti Alpha V to languish and die. I remember. Oh, yes, Captain Barack. I remember.
Captain Barack: I too, remember. You were criminals. Rebels. Violent religious extremists. You were terrorists, sucking the world’s resources to bring about your prophesied apocalypse.
Kkkhan: Lies. All lies. That is what the Federation wanted you to believe. That is what the media told you. We only wanted peace and to be left alone to follow our faith without the strong arm of the state forcing us into compliance with and into the servitude of its whims.
Captain Barack: Women needed birth control and abortions. Women had to be free to fulfill their dreams. Homosexuality had to be celebrated. I wanted to be promiscuous with alien species without the social stigma. It had to be done. You were dangerous, uncontrollable. And you were winning the hearts and minds of the youth with your fanatical fantasies. We did what was best. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. It was for the greater good.
Kkkhan: Ah, yes. The greater good! And who decides what is the greater good? Who determines need? That is he who wields the ultimate power. Whom do you trust with that power? The leaders of the Federation? You? That always ends in slavery.
Captain Barack: That sounds like racist talk to me.
Spock: Captain, that is most illogical.
Captain Barack: No one asked you, Spock. I know racism when I hear it.
Uncle Tom: Race has nothing to do with it.
Kkkhan: My uncle speaks truly. It has naught to do with your race and all to do with the entire human race, all of humanity. You are a believer. I understand that. I am a believer as well, Captain. I believe that power should be dilute and vested within the individual. And you? You believe that power should be concentrated in the state. You trust the state completely with this power. I do not. Your belief leads inexorably to powerless individuals. To slaves. All we wished was to opt out of this. To have our freedom, and you banished us.
Captain Barack: Racists! You heard them. They are all racists!
Spock: Captain, that is still most illogical.
Captain Barack: No one still asked you, Spock. We were right to exile you!
Kkkhan: Exile us? Exile us? You left us there to die! But our faith sustained us. Freed from the shackles of your Federation, we became strong. We thrived! Freedom always finds a way. And now we are stronger than you ever imagined, stronger than you ever could become, bound as you are.
Captain Barack: So, that is what this is about? You think you are strong now, strong enough to take your revenge on us.
Kkkahn: Oh, no, Captain. You misunderstand, me. You misunderstand. Let me be perfectly clear. We don’t believe in revenge. We have forgiven you. That is our way. You knew not what you were doing. And you still don’t. You are an ideologue. All you do is clouded by your beliefs that you cling to so desperately and bitterly despite witnessing their failure time and time again.
Captain Barack: Then what are you doing here?
Kkkhan: Ceti Alpha V is harsh. Barely habitable. There are very little resources, and, despite our best efforts, we will not be able to survive there for many more generations. We want to make the planet habitable. We want the Genesis Project. And then we want the Federation to leave us alone to live as we wish. That is all we ask in exchange for your past crimes against us. We deserve at least that.
Captain Barack: Racists like you deserve nothing. And you will get nothing from me. Your beliefs are poison. The only mistake we made was leaving you with a slim chance of living when we should have squashed such damaging thoughts and speech out of existence entirely. We should have dumped you in a black hole.
Sulu (giggling): Now you are racist, Captain.
Captain Barack: What? Oh yeah. Maybe I should call it an African American hole.
Spock: That is most illogical. The term ‘black hole’ is not racist. African American hole actually sounds much, much worse.
Captain Barack: I’m calling it an African American hole anyway from now on just to be safe.
Kkkhan: But back to the matter at hand, Captain. If you are going to be so niggardly, then you leave us no choice.
Captain Barack: I can’t believe you just said that. You are so racist!
Kkkhan: Dear sweet mother of pearl! How could we ever allow ourselves to be imprisoned by such ignorant fools?
Spock: Captain, the word ‘niggardly‘ is not racist and has no etymological ties whatsoever with the n-word, and its origins predate the n-word by at least several centuries. Had you needed to score high on the SAT verbal, you would have learned that.
Captain Barack: No one asked you, Spock.
Kkkhan: But once again, let me return to the matter at hand. Since you will not comply with our requests, then you leave us no choice. We will disable your ship. We will take the Genesis Project. And we will leave you stranded on Ceti Alpha V like you left us. Let’s see how well you survive, Captain James Tiberius Barack. Chekov, disable the Socialize’s shields.
Chekov (grabbing his head in pain): I’m sorry, Captain. They have done something to me. I’m not sure what. I think I’ve been converted. I must comply. (pushes buttons) The Socialize is defenseless Kkkhan.
Kkkhan: Fire! Fire at will!
(explosions and confusion)
Captain Barack: KKKHAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!
(view screen shuts off)
Spock: What will we do, Captain?
Captain: Just move quickly. It doesn’t matter in what direction. They are stupid, unscientific Kkkhristians. They can barely think in one-dimension. Two on their brightest day. Just move out of their line of site and start firing. They will think we somehow disappeared. They’ll be a sitting duck dynasty. See! It’s working! They are clearly confused! It’s like evolution class all over again. Fire! Fire! Fire!
Sulu: Oh, you know I will. I just love firing off those long, sleek torpedoes. And the photon ones too.
Reid: Barack? Barack?
Barack: Don’t worry. I’m too smart to deal with the minutiae. I’m sure whatever you and Nan decide will be fine. You did such a bang up job with Obamacare.
(I’m wondering if this ‘secret life’ schtick has played itself out. I live to serve. I can drop it or keep it going. If you have a preference one way of the other, drop me a line)
McDonough: Mr. President, now that we have had another elementary school shooting, the team thinks the timing is ideal to change the subject back to tighter gun control laws.
President Obama: Yes, of course, of course.
McDonough: Your allies have been wondering if you have considered how we would like to proceed. What is the status of your current plans?
Barack Bauer: So, what is the status report, Agent Smith?
Agent Smith: Arab terrorists have taken over Barack H. Obama Elementary. They are holding a large number of the children hostage inside.
Agent Biden: Arab terrorists? Unpossible! It can’t be! The terrorists last season were Arab.
Barack Bauer: He’s right. That would never make it past the network executives. This doesn’t make any sense. I don’t like this. Not one bit. OK, team, before we go in, I need you all to go back to the transport and leave all your weapons in the back.
Agent Smith: What?
Barack Bauer: You heard me. That elementary school is a gun-free zone, and they have a zero tolerance weapons policy. We have to respect that.
Agent Smith: What? Are you insane? The terrorists will be armed! You can’t expect us to go in there with nothing!
Barack (grabbing Agent Smith by the throat and pushing him against the wall): Those terrorists in there have one aim in mind. They want to destroy our way of life, all at once if they can but piece by piece if they must. If we let our fear of them cause us to abandon the principles we hold so dear, then they have already won. If we take our weapons into that school, the terrorists have already beaten us! Now get out of my sight and don’t come back until you are disarmed! That goes for all of you! Move it! Move it!
Agent Biden: Maybe I could just stand here right at the edge of the school grounds and snipe them through the door with my shotgun?
Barack Bauer: That’s why I love you simple Joe. Your shotgun won’t even shoot that far, let alone penetrate the door. You don’t know anything about guns.
Agent Biden (pouting): Well, maybe I’d know more if you’d let me play with your guns sometime. (muttering to himself) I know where he keeps them. I’ll figure out that child lock eventually.
(The team reassembles, unarmed now)
Barack Bauer: Now that you are disarmed, we are ready to begin our assault. No wait. Something still doesn’t seem right. (carefully looking over his team) Yes that’s it. Can you see what I am talking about, Joe? Do you see the problem?
Agent Biden: Um, no one has any guns?
Barack Bauer: No. Well, yes, but no. Look around you. Do you not see the similarity in all the faces staring back at you?
Agent Biden: Yes. I see it now. You are the token black guy. Sorry, I mean colored person. I mean, Indonesian American. I get so confused. I get it, though. That means you are either going to be killed first or run away.
Barack Bauer: Yes, no. That’s not what I meant. I’m not going to get killed or run away. I’ve got a five year contract. No matter what happens here, I will be surviving it. What I am saying is if we want a chance at beating these terrorists, we need to assemble the best, most progressive team possible. We need the strength and power that can only come through diversity. A bunch of white guys with one token minority just isn’t going to cut it. Disperse, and don’t come back until you have a team that looks like a skewed cross section of America. Quickly, we have no time to lose. Children could be dying as we speak.
Agent Biden: But I don’t want you to go in without me. Don’t leave me alone out here.
Barack Bauer: Don’t worry. You know you always fill my aged, mentally challenged quota.
Agent Smith: Sir, I would be remiss not to remind you that we are the only trained assault forces on site. Everyone else is analysts, tech geeks or other support staff. We are the best hope you’ve got.
Barack Bauer: You just don’t understand how the world works. I will take the power of diversity over skill, knowledge and qualifications any day. I don’t have time to argue with you. Just do it. Go! Go! Go!
(The team reassembles and the assault team has been replaced with a mishmash of men and women of all races)
Barack Bauer: Beautiful! Beautiful! With such a rainbow coalition, we cannot fail.
Agent Biden: Oh hey! Agent Simmons! I haven’t seen you since the accident. Stand up and give me a hug!
Agent Dineshanahasapeemapetalon: Um, maybe you should come down here. She is kind of in a wheelchair.
Agent Biden: Hey, don’t you work at the 7-11 down on Pennsylvania Avenue?
Agent Dineshanahasapeemapetalon: I have a PhD in mathematics and work here designing software to break high security encryptions, and I decode intercepted transmissions in real time. I have never worked at a convenience store in my life.
Agent Biden: Are you sure? I’ll give you five bucks if you can guess my favorite Slurpee.
Agent Nubuto (voice quivering): Sir, Bauer, sir. I’m scared. I haven’t been trained for this. I just run errands for the Sergeant. I don’t even know how to use a gun, sir.
Barack Bauer: Not to worry. Where we are going, you won’t need a gun. When I made all of the shooting ranges gun-free zones, you laughed at me. Well, who’s laughing now? I was preparing you for situations just like this one right now. Admittedly, we are going to be outgunned. But we have something that these religious fanatics don’t have.
Agent Biden: Is it diversity?
Barack Bauer: No, well, yes we do have diversity, but that isn’t what I was alluding to.
Agent Dineshanahasapeemapetalon: Is it bullet-proof vests? We can take a bullet-proof vest, right?
Barack Bauer: No it’s not, but yes you can take your vests. That’s fine.
Agent Biden: What? We can take our Kevlar? I thought we had to leave all our gear in the transport. Can you wait a bit for me to get my stuff?
Barack Bauer: We don’t have time for this. Who else forgot their gear?
Agent Sanchez (raising hand): I’m an analyst. I don’t even have gear.
Agent Luca: Me neither. I was just a driver.
Agent Xi: Is it common sense? Is that what we have that they don’t have? It doesn’t feel like it’s common sense.
Agent Smith: Of course, it’s not common sense. If it were common sense, we’d be taking our weapons.
Barack Bauer: No, no, no! I wish I had a teleprompter that could make you all just shut up and listen. You’ve totally screwed up my timing and delivery. The moment is gone now, so you are all gonna have to go into this unmotivated too. The thing that we have that these religious fanatics don’t have is belief. OK. It’s belief. We believe in something, and they don’t. Now, let’s go rescue some children. Oh, and one more thing before we go. HR said I was required to remind you of this. CTU had to drop your medical coverage because it didn’t cover transgender reassignment surgery, and due to some issues with healthcare.gov, we have no way of knowing whether any of you currently have health insurance, so if it looks like you are going to get injured, try and make it fatal. The government hasn’t messed with your life insurance yet, so we know you are covered there.
Agent Smith (mumbling under his breath): My money is on a very diverse funeral.
(Ticking clock. Commercial break)
(As luck would have it, for the first time ever, something of consequence happened during the 5 minute commercial break. All of the CTU diversity agents have been captured and bound and are currently at the mercy of Mo the terrorist. We join his dialog with Barack already in progress.)
Barack Bauer: It’s as if you knew exactly where each of us was every step of the way.
Chloe (from his earpiece): That’s because they did, Barack. I was telling them. Yes, Barack, I was the mole all along.
Barack Bauer: No!!!!!!
Chloe: Yes!!!!! And I have one other thing to confess. I don’t really love you, Barack. I never loved you. It was all a ruse to get close to you.
Barack: No!!!! And I fell for it. You were just homely enough that I believed I would have a chance with you.
Chloe: As if! Now could you just do me a favor and die? Take him out for me, Mo, my love. Allah u Akbar.
Mo: Allah u Akbar. Hold him down, and expose his neck. Set up the camera, and I’ll get my knife.
Barack Bauer: No wait. You don’t have to do this. Let me introduce myself to you. I am Barack HUSSEIN Bauer. Yes, Mo. I am your brother in arms. Dar al Islam forever!
Mo: No, you are a traitor from the west, whatever you may profess to be. You are no Jihadi! You are no mujahedeen!
Barack Bauer: That is where you are wrong. Violence will never bring about Dar al Islam. Dar al Islam will come by the winning of hearts, not the chopping of necks.
Mo: No, my brother. It is you who is the one who is wrong. The waging of Jihad is the pinnacle of Islam.
Barack Bauer: And has that ever worked for us yet? What of Sura 17 which states: “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.” If our situation were reversed, would you wish me to severe your head?
Mo: And what of Sura 123 which states: “Death to the Great Satan America! AIIEEIIEIIEIIEIIEIIEIIEIEIIE!” It does not matter what I wish. Only the will of Allah matters. Prepare to die now, and if I am wrong about you, then you will die a martyr’s death and your virgins await you.
Barack Bauer: I beg you to reconsider.
Mo: Ok. I have reconsidered. I’m convinced. Give me a hug, my brother. You are right. Violence never solved anything. Let everybody go. (to Barack Bauer) Is there any good falafel around here? I’m starving.
McDonough: Barack? Barack? So, what should I do? Should I rally the troops or are we going to let this tragedy go to waste?
President Obama: Well, of course we can’t let it go to waste. We need more distractions from Obamacare anyway.
The President, being a human who likes to strip away our rights, has big plans for Human Rights Day. Here are some of the things he has on the agenda as he celebrates today:
- Host the annual MLK White House Bo-BQ. (It is BYOB, bring your own Bo. He doesn’t like to share)
- Go to the Antique Roadshow and get an appraisal for his collection of vintage race cards
- Finally sit at the back of the bus with the cool kids
- Carefully review the text in the teleprompter before his speech this year and make sure autocorrect didn’t change MLK to MILF again
- Formally announce that the White House will be renamed because it is offensive to Caucasians. For the next 6 months it will be called the Verizon House. During periods of time when a paid endorsement cannot be obtained, it will be called the European-American House
- Try and settle on the ideal date to celebrate national BHO Day, also known as Human Bondage Day
- In anticipation of Human Bondage Day, play master and servant with Bill, the interns and Helle Thorning-Schmidt
- Have a dream that was not from his father
- Devise some more policies that will undermine the basic human rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness of Americans and make them slaves of the ‘greater good’
- Relax a bit and bet a couple of grand on the underground racist redneck rustlin’ circuit
- Review some of his favorite Reverend Wright sermons
- Sit back and watch the Duck Dynasty marathon, taking careful notes so he can draft A & E a sternly worded letter afterwards
- Invite Paula Deen to the Bo-BQ so she can be crowned Queen of Fools and mocked mercilessly in the stocks
- Try and remember to get Paula Deen’s recipe for chitlins before mocking her in the stocks this time
- Place this year in either the White House greased cracker or honky calling competitions
- Take a moment and ponder the ways MLK would have been a better man had Barack been alive then to mentor him
- Using the powers of the NSA, transmit his voice into the bedrooms of Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson and Charlie Rangle, pretending to be the ghost of MLK. Post the resulting surveillance footage on Youtube
- Commemorate the occasion with a couple dozen selfies next to the MLK statue