The Secret Life of Barack Obama – The Screwtape Letters

Fox News Reporter: What would you say to those who feel that your decree to public schools regarding the use of locker rooms and showers exceeds the limits established in Title IX?

Obama: Well, let me be perfectly clear…(eyes glaze and he gazes into the distance)

(Obama opens a smoking letter and begins to read)

Dear Obama,

While your attempts to accelerate the disintegration of the societies built upon the Enemy’s proscribed foundation are laudable, there are those of us who are concerned that your actions regarding bathroom policies are too premature to prove beneficial. It is our opinion that, though the young have been vigorously indoctrinated toward this end, the intellects and mores of the bulk of society have not yet been sufficiently degraded to accept these latest steps. In fact, it is our considered opinion that your actions may prove counterproductive at this juncture. Time will tell, and punishments will be meted accordingly by Our Father Below.

Regardless of the outcome, you are advised to continue the assault upon the nuclear family in accordance with the effective though seemingly contradictory approaches of both driving a wedge between the sexes and eliminating all differences between the genders. The reason is simple. Convince women to fear and hate men, convince them that men are unnecessary to their own happiness, well-being or livelihood, even to the point that men are considered biologically redundant dross, and the nuclear family crumbles to dust.   Convince women that promiscuity is freedom, virtue is slavery and children out of wedlock are to be celebrated, and the nuclear family crumbles to dust. Allow boys to slake their lusts without consequence or responsibility, take from them the incentive to mature and be men, and the nuclear family crumbles to dust.

Eve has been offered another apple. She and Adam are gradually partaking. Stay the course and, like the serpent, keep the questions ever before their faces: Why not question tradition? Why not overturn your moral code? Why not do it if it feels good? Why not tear down all these old fences?

And do not take any further radical steps without our direct consultation.

Your affectionate Uncle, Screwtape

(Obama writes a quick response)

Dear Screwtape,

Message received. I like that last part. Why not rebel against your authority, I ask myself? I’ll do what I want. YOLO!

Barack the Ever-Wise……

Fox News Reporter: Sir, sir…

Obama: Uh, for you even to ask such a thing just shows that you are on the wrong side of history.  Next question?

Send to Kindle

Vote Trump?

While deeply mired in the denial stage, I’ve been trying to convince myself how I could justify voting for Trump.  This is all I’ve got.

  • He self-identifies as President of the United States, so we are obligated to accept him as that
  • He’ll be impervious to sex scandals
  • You’ll be able to take a selfie of yourself with his cardboard cutout at the Trump Re-education Camp
  • The re-education at the Trump Re-education Camp was designed by the same experts that designed the curriculum at Trump University, so you won’t really end up brainwashed
  • It will be good for you if you own stock in the National Enquirer
  • One of his first actions in office will be to make it legal to punch anyone in the face who disagrees with him, and hippies are notoriously critical of Trump
  • Do we really need two Koreas
  • If he’s President, he won’t need to contribute to the Clinton Foundation for favors anymore
  • The inevitable Ivanka/Tiffany reality show is bound to give the Karadashians some much needed competition
  • Why would anybody want the same First Lady for four years straight
  • When the nation goes bankrupt, well, no worries. If there is one thing he knows
  • Unpredictability from a superpower is good for global stability, right?
  • Presidential press conferences will be indistinguishable from a SNL skit
  • TrumpCare has a much better ring to it, and again, when it goes bankrupt…
  • Sean Hannity, Bill O’Reilly and Ann Coulter will finally get those leg tinglings they’ve been coveting
  • And Chris Matthews will be able to walk again
Send to Kindle

Ben Rhodes – Super Genius

It turns out that Hillary kept Ben Rhodes’ resume and the notes from his interview on her personal server.  In other words, they are opened up to the internet like an orchid.  Here are some of his more telling qualifications for his job of Middle East Expert for the administration:

  • He saw a trailer for Homeland once
  • He beat Obama 2 out of 3 at Risk
  • He beat Obama 3 out of 3 at Tic-Tac-Toe
  • He demonstrated an understanding of the fundamental parts of a narrative: the beginning, the middle and the Islamophobia
  • His pointy head was ideally shaped for easy insertion into his own or anyone else’s posterior
  • During college, he went through a brief Mohammad-curious phase
  • According to his family lore, he was part black through his Uncle Ben
  • When asked his opinion of the Zionist movement, he responded that he didn’t much care for reggae
  • He’d spent some time in the Midwest, and he was pretty sure the Middle East was just the opposite of that
  • When his grandparents immigrated to America, the immigration official changed their surname to Rhodes because he couldn’t spell Bakka Lakka Dakka
  • Throughout the interview, none of his answers exceeded 140 characters
  • He handily beat all the other applicants in the dance-of-the-seven-veils portion of the interview
  • He wrote a short story about how nuclear proliferation is underrated
  • Throughout the interview, he kept unconsciously humming Obama’s favorite tune, Song for Allah
  • He hadn’t built or accomplished anything
Send to Kindle

Hillary’s Secrets

Guccifer has apparently hacked into Hillary’s server.  Said it was like an open orchid on the internet.  He’s started to tell authorities about what he found lurking there:

  • Bill’s Black Book
  • Chelsea’s personality
  • Pages of search results for ‘How to get stains out of blue fabric’
  • Donald Trump’s DNA sequence and a map of his brain (it’s a very small file)
  • A large number of instant message threads in which Muammar repeatedly spurned her advances
  • A list of the true names and preferred sacrifices for each member of a group referred to only as Legion
  • Plans to convert Bill into a trans-First Lady
  • Receipts for frequent wire transfers from the Clinton Foundation to a Nigerian prince
  • Receipts for frequent wire transfers from the Clinton Foundation to AshleyMadison.com
  • Receipts for frequent wire transfers from the Clinton Foundation to furry_curious.com
  • A partial, rough draft of a supernatural romance about the first woman President and the ghosts of Eleanor Roosevelt and Nixon’s dog Checkers
  • Numerous terse rejection e-mails indicating that ‘your soul just isn’t worth that much’
Send to Kindle

Trumpo de Mayo

How Trump is Celebrating Cinco de Mayo, you might ask.  He loves Hispanics, you know.  They’re great, as long as they stay behind that wall.  Here is how he is celebrating.

  • Equipping his yacht with a new set of anchor babies
  • Whacking a giant Cruz-Rubio piñata, filled with candy wrappers
  • Launching his new line of Trump Tequila, proudly sold in the US but made by Malaysian orphans
  • Settling down for a long, slow fantasy involving a dirty Ivanka-Tiffany ‘enchilada’
  • Los trasplantes de cabello naranja para todos
  • Establishing the Mexico City campus of Trump Universidad, with its associated wall
  • Throwing a yuge fiesta, catered by illegals
  • Paying the legal fees for anyone who will punch La Raza in the face
  • Designing the guady new signs for the Trump Casa Blanca
  • Systematically offending all the wise latina women he meets
  • Announcing that his running mate will be Pedro
Send to Kindle

How Can Trump Quash Hillary

Now that he is the presumptive nominee, it’s time for The Donald to turn his cool, informed savvy toward beating The Hillary. Here are his plans that have been leaked.

  • Make a great deal so that both he and Hillary run as each other’s VPs.
  • If the rigged Electoral College doesn’t make him President, there will be riots.
  • Start wearing lipstick and a dress. Transgender trumps woman.
  • Leak that photo of Hillary palling around with John Wilkes Booth.
  • At the start of the first debate, pin Hillary to the floor and give her a pink belly until she agrees to drop out of the race.
  • Threaten to ‘spill the beans’ on Bill. Wait til you see it. It will be yuge!
  • Keep reminding the electorate that his daughter is way hotter than Chelsea.  Which one do you want to have to look at for the next four years?
  • Make a better deal with Lucifer, maybe even appoint him to the Supreme Court.
  • Garner the endorsements of such Washington outsiders as Boehner, Pelosi, Boxer, Schumer, Reid, Bill Clinton…..
  • Be the first Republican candidate to actively court the dead vote.
  • He’s pretty sure Hillary is ineligible to run because she isn’t a natural born citizen, but how to prove it?
  • Woo Bernie supporters by offering taxpayer funded Trump University for all.
Send to Kindle

Life With ISIS – Terror Fun Fair Part 3

(somewhere secret in the desert)

Ali: Hey, what is that big commotion?

Ahmed: There’s a big stir over at the recruitment area. Let’s check it out.

(they wander toward the crowd at the recruitment area where the recruitment imam is giving his spiel. Members of the crowd wearing SJJ t-shirts are continuously interrupting and harassing the imam)

Habib: SJJ? What?

Man in the crowd (rolling his eyes): Social Justice Jihadis.

Galid: I am confused? Social justice? What?

Habib: We really need to find a way to vet these American refugees.

Ahmed: Way too many crazies are slipping in.

Social Justice Hipster: The caliphate is a patriarchal, misogynist complex!

Recruitment Imam: Well, duh…

Social Justice Drum Circle Chick: Did you know that 1 in 5 women in the caliphate are the victims of rape?

Recruitment Imam: You’ve thrown that number around a lot. It’s completely bogus. You’ve got it exactly backwards. In the caliphate, each woman is raped five times. And believe me, we’re working on getting that number up where it needs to be.

Social Justice Dreadlock Dude: And where are your transgender latrines?

Social Justice Hipster: And why isn’t any of your jihadi garb gay friendly? No pink camo, no glitter? You’re all homophobes dude.

Recruitment Imam: You are aware this is an Islamic caliphate? Islam teaches that homosexuality should be punished by death. “For ye practice your lusts on men in preference to women: ye are indeed a people transgressing beyond bounds, and we rained down on them a shower of brimstone (sura 7)” And in the hadith: The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said, “Whoever you find doing the action of the people of Lot, execute the one who does it and the one to whom it is done.” The only controversy among Muslim scholars is how the execution should be conducted. Some say stoning, others beheading, others hanging, others burning, others…..

Social Justice Hipster: You can’t say that! You can’t say that about Islam!

Social Justice Dreadlock Dude: Islamophobe!

Social Justice Chubby Chick: Racist!

Galid: I am confused. Islam is a race, now?

Recruiter Imam: So the teachings of Islam are Islamophobic?

Social Justice Hipster: It’s hate speech!

Social Justice Dreadlock Dude: If it disparages Islam in any way, yeah. I have a friend who isn’t Muslim but got beat up because of talk like this. It’s hate speech, dude! It’s hate speech!

Recruiter Imam: OMA! Allah give me strength. So what am I, a self-loathing imam? I’m just reading to you from the Koran and the hadith.

Social Justice Drum Circle Chick: It’s racist, Islamophobic hate speech!

Social Justice Chubby Chick: Keep your hate speech out of our caliphate! Keep your hate speech out of our caliphate! Keep your hate speech out of our caliphate! Keep your hate speech out of our caliphate! Keep your hate speech out of our caliphate!

Galid: I am confused. So, the holy Koran teaches Islamophobia? Islam is Islamophobic?

Ali: It is they who are confused, my friend.

Social Justice Hipster: Islam is a religion of peace, dude!

Social Justice Dreadlock Dude: Islam means peace!

Recruiter Imam: Actually, Islam means submission. Complete submission to Allah and Mohammad who is his prophet. The world must submit to Allah.

Social Justice Dreadlock Dude: My World Religion professor taught us that Islam is a religion of peace. Are you saying you know more than my professor? Shuh! Yeah right!

Social Justice Hipster: Hate speech!

Social Justice Chubby Chick: Keep your hate speech out of our caliphate! Keep your hate speech out of our caliphate! Keep your hate speech out of our caliphate! Keep your hate speech out of our caliphate! Keep your hate speech out of our caliphate!

Recruiter Imam: Ok, ok, ok. Who out there believes that Islam is a religion of peace? Show of hands, please. Why don’t all of you follow me over to this safe space over here? Good. This is your violence free zone. Gather around and sit down. You don’t need to worry about hate or reality or truth here. Feel free to let your perceptions run uncontested. Breathe deeply. Feel the cognitive dissonance bleeding away. Sorry, violent imagery. Feel the cognitive dissonance wafting away. The answer, my friend, is blowing up, I mean, blowing in the wind. Here are some crayons and markers and toys for you to play with until you feel calm again. Help yourself. (walks away back toward the podium)

Social Justice Drum Circle Chick: Hey, there are some Hillary Clinton dolls. And Bernie dolls. Check these out. (pulls string on Hillary doll).

Hillary Clinton Doll: Islam has nothing to do with Islamic terrorism. (explodes)

Recruiter Imam: Ok, does anyone else feel like they need a special safe space?

Galid (brushing chunks of SJJ off his shoulder): I am confused. That space did not seem very safe to me.

(to be continued, maybe, if I feel like it)

Send to Kindle

Life With ISIS – Terror Fun Fair Part 2

(somewhere secret in the desert)

Habib: Look over there. Hamas has a booth. Come on.

Hamas Rep: Welcome. Are any of you interested in joining Hamas?

Ali: Thanks, but we’re all set. Love the caliphate.

Hamas Rep: That’s perfectly alright. I’m a big fan of the caliphate myself. We are all doing Allah’s great work. If you have any questions, feel free to ask. Help yourself to any of the literature and swag. We’ve already run out of the ‘Death to the Jews’ pins, but here are some ‘Nuke Israel’ temporary tattoos for the kids and some bumper stickers that will look equally great on the rumps of your Humvees, goats or mules. Or maybe even on the rump of one of the missuses if you are feeling a tad kinky. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more.

Ahmed (leafing through the pamphlets): Now here is something I’ve never heard of before. What is this adopt a Jew program?

Galid: I am confused. Why would anyone want to adopt a Jew? They are so expensive to maintain, and too lazy and stubborn to make a decent slave. You would get carpel tunnel from all the beating. Is not a bullet much cheaper?

Ali: Or stones? Stones are cheap.

Hamas Rep: No, it’s not like that at all. This is a fund raising program.

Habib: Oh, to help fund all your charity work?

(all laughing)

Hamas Rep: Yes. Exactly that. Charity work. Here’s how the program works. We have a tunnel that leads directly to a settlement just across the Israeli border with many Jews ready to be harvested. For a donation of as little as fifteen cents a day, you can adopt a Jew.  We will harvest the Jew for you and send you a photograph of your own special Jew. Once a week, you will receive a letter from your special Jew, usually begging for its life or asking you to implore to the authorities on his behalf to pay the ransom. It’s adorable, I can promise you.  Precious memories like this will cost you so little. For a donation of only a dollar a day, your weekly letter will include additional keepsakes from your Jew. A little hair, a toenail, a tooth, maybe an entire digit. Momentos you will treasure for a lifetime. And for a one time donation of $1,000, you will never have to hear from your Jew again.

Habib: Could I get a group discount?  What would it cost for a half dozen or so posing in an Abu Ghraib style pyramid?  Could I be the pointer?

Galid: I am still confused. Why do I want to adopt a Jew? Are you running out of missiles?

Ahmed (examining a large fishbowl filled with folded up pieces of paper): Is this some sort of raffle?  I didn’t bring any buisness cards.

Hamas Rep: Oh no. Gambling? That would be un-Islamic. That is another fund raiser for our charity. The bowl contains emails we got from Hillary’s personal server. No one’s read them yet. We just printed them out in bulk. For five bucks, you can reach into the fishbowl and pick out your own personal, potentially top secret email. Who’s in?

(All hand over five bucks)

Ali: I’m first (pulls a piece of paper from the bowl)

Habib: Read it. Read it.

Ali: Ok. Ok. Here it goes. “Huma, please help me. I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.”

Ahmed: Ok. My turn. (pulls out an email) Wow. This has a whole email chain. Better start at the bottom of the thread. “Huma, can you tell Anthony once again to stop sending me pictures of his junk. I’m sick to death of looking at closeups of his balls.” Ok, then Huma responds: “For the millionth time, those are not closeups of my husband. They are aerial military photos of the Iraqi hillside.”

Galid: Ok, here goes. I really hope I get the name of a secret agent we can torture and turn to our cause. Wish me luck. (picks paper, reads it and looks dejected).

Habib: Come on. What does it say?

Galid: It’s another thread. I’ll go to the bottom. Wow, I am confused.  There are an awful lot of typos here. I’ll do my best to figure it out on the fly: “Huma, I think I have gone blind.” And then Huma responds: “Are you sure you don’t have your head stuck in Obama’s bucket again?”

Ali (interrupting): I bet she has her head up her butt.

Galid: Well, let’s see.  And Hillary replies: “No. I can feel my face, but I can’t see my hand in front of it.” Huma responds again: “Have you tried the light switch?” And Hillary again: “This is one of the many reasons I can’t quit you.”  And Huma replies: “You know, like I told you before, you can send me texts from your blackberry in situations like this.  You don’t have to email me.” And Hillary responds: “This isn’t a text? I’m so confused.”  (Galid stops reading to comment) I too am confused?  Texts and emails are not the same?

Ahmed: Not the same Galid.  Is there more?

Galid:  Oh yes.  She keeps going: “Where am I and who are you?  Why it is still so dark?  Is that you again, oh Lord of Flies? I’m not ready to go yet.  You promised me vengeance!  I will be satisfied!”  And then Huma again, at least I think it is Huma.  It says it is Huma: “You will be avenged. Place your faith in me, give me the glory and you will be avenged.  Blood will flow like flowing blood.”

Ali: Ok, that just got really weird.

Galid: I am so confused.  And there is still more: “I am so, so cold.  Never shall I be warm again.  Saul, dear Saul.  You lied to me.  You said I wouldn’t, but I do.  I do miss it.  How can I miss something that never existed?”  And then Huma again: “Take your pills and go to bed, Hill.  I’m turning off my phone until morning.”

Ali: She is a freaking psycho! How can she rule?  The Koran is exactly right. Baghdadi is at least twice as sane as she is.

Habib: Ok, my turn now. (picks paper) Oh, this is a good one. It says Galid Al Sawahiri is an American spy!

Galid: Now I am really confused. That is me! How would I not know this?  Is it so top secret even I am not aware of it?  I must not have a high enough security clearance.

Ali: Stone Galid!

Ahmed: Death to spies!

Galid: Death to me!  Wash me in my blood!

(Ali pelts Galid with a stone and Galid tosses a stone into the air and tries to let it land on his head but misses himself)

Habib: Just kidding. It doesn’t really say that.  No need to stone Galid.

Galid: Oh, you kidder.  You had me good there.  I am so relieved, my friend.  Praise Allah I am not a spy.

Habib: Here is what it really says. Starts with Hillary: “Huma, have you seen this offensive video about Islam. It is hilarious!” And then Huma responds: “Do you realize you just forwarded that video to your entire middle eastern contact list?”  And then Hillary: “Where is that blasted reset button again?”

(To be continued, maybe, if I feel like it)

Send to Kindle

Life With ISIS – Terror Fun Fair

(somewhere secret in the desert)

Corporate Activities Imam: I know we are all very excited, and we’ve all been waiting for this day for a long time, so I’ll keep this intro very brief. Welcome to the first annual ISIS Jobs Fun Fair. We were overwhelmed by the level of response we have received, and there are plenty of booths and activities for everyone from the hard core Jihadist to the sympathetic widows and orphans. Everything will be running until evening prayers, so enjoy and have at it.

Ali: Hey, looks like they have a cake walk.

Ahmed: Is that real yellow cake?

Ali: Looks like it. Authentic Nigerian.

Habib: Hey, they have a Barbie booth. We just have to check that out.

Galid: I am confused. I thought Barbie’s were a symbol of the whore of the Great Satan.

Habib: Well, uh, I, uh just wanted to crush them beneath the heel of my boot, Allah willing.

Barbie Sales Imam: Not these Barbies. These Barbies are especially designed by non-Jews to teach our little girls their role in society all while having fun. Feast your eyes on Burka Barbie.

Galid: I am confused. That Barbie is covered from head to toe. There is nothing upon which to feast your eyes… Oh, I get it.

Barbie Sales Imam: Exactly. And unlike the Barbies of the Great Satan, these ones are economical. There are no accessories that go with it. No Barbie Jeep or Barbie books or Barbie clothes because, well, why? Girls have no need of such things. There is only the Burka Barbie Dreamcave.

Habib: But what are these burly looking boy dolls?

Barbie Sales Imam: Those are the Ken dolls?   What would Barbie be without Ken? We have the Honor Killing Ken. Comes with the machete.

Habib: Wow, that’s really sharp!

Barbie Sales Imam: And Husband Ken with a beating stick. And Rapist Ken and Imam Ken and Refugee Ken and Sleeper Cell Ken and Mujahideen Ken.

Galid (picks up a Burka Barbie and struggles to find a way to get a peek underneath the burka)

Habib: What is this one with the coif and the impeccable fashion sense?

Barbie Sales Imam: Oh, that is Homo Ken. It comes with either a crane to hang it from or a little wall to topple over on him.

Habib: Would it be possible, Allah willing, to get the Homo Ken with a burka?

Barbie Sales Imam: What?  Why?

Habib: Uh, um… to sneak past that wiley TSA, of course.

Galid (manages to get the burka off Burka Barbie): I am confused. This Burka Barbie still has a clitoris.

Ahmed: What? Let me see that! What are you trying to pull here?

Habib: What are you trying to teach the children?

Ahmed: Stone him!

Habib: Stone him!

Barbie Sales Imam: No, no. It is not a clitoris. It is not. It is a remnant of the manufacturing process. It is a mark left when it is detached from the mold.

Ahmed: Allah spits upon your mold!

Habib: Stone him!

Barbie Sales Imam: No. Look, look. If you just use the machete of Honor Killing Ken, you can remove the mark. It’s all part of the fun.

Galid: Wait. I am confused. Mold? So Burka Barbie has a yeast infection? Are you a Jew trying to infect us with filthy yeast?

Ahmed: Death to mold!

Ali: Death to yeast!

Barbie Sales Imam: No, no, no. I’m talking about the mold used to make the doll. And yeast isn’t mold anyway. It is fungi.

Habib: Fun guy, huh? Do you have any more of this yeast, by the way?  Or do you have a Fun Guy Ken to go with Homo Ken?

Galid: I am confused. Why do you know of these molds and fungi? Why would a Barbie sales imam be so well versed in the bioweapons of the Jews?

Ahmed: Stone him! Stone him!

Habib: Death to the Jews!

Ali: Death to the Jews!

(they stone him mercilessly)

Ali: Hey, he still has some of those Trump Action Figures. Remember these? (pulls string)

Ahmed: Allah curse you for a fool! Don’t you remember that those were bombs? (grabs the action figure and hurls it into a crowd of women and children)

Trump Action Figure: Doesn’t my daughter make your loins burn? (explodes)

Ahmed: Allah be praised, but that was close.

(to be continued, maybe if I feel like it)

Send to Kindle

Trump’s Earth Day Plans to Make Earth Great Again

On Earth Day, I, Donald Trump, have ideas not just to make America great again, but to make the whole earth great again. When I do these things, the environment will be great again. It will be great.

  • Hey, instead of using airplanes, I’m gonna have all my staff use carbon friendly travel by organic trebuchets/recycled parachutes.
  • I’ll compost all my political enemies.
  • I’ll only use organic products when fantasizing about my daughter. It’s great. Doesn’t she look great. Don’t tell me you wouldn’t.
  • I’ll stop using endangered animals as sources for my hair, and it will still look great.
  • And when I go to Central Park to let my hair run around for a bit, I’ll make sure to use a leash and clean up after it.
  • I’ll sue everyone who speaks ill of me to incentivize keeping their filthy carbon dioxide in their lungs.
  • Did you know, methane is a much greater greenhouse gas than carbon dioxide? The cure is easy. If you eat falafel, you can’t immigrate to America. The air quality will be great.
  • And if you are an H1B worker, you’re fired. Keep that noxious methane in the third world with you.
  • I’ll make better deals with carbon dioxide. Does it really have to retain so much heat?
  • Better yet, I’ll build a wall to keep greenhouse gases from illegally entering the atmosphere, and I’m gonna make Richard Lindzen pay for it.
  • Hey, if you don’t like global warming, just do what I do and leave your windows open when you run your AC. I’m rich. I can afford it.
  • I’ll commit to continue recycling my positions on the issues at least weekly.
  • When Exxon Mobil starts acting out, just punch it in the mouth. Don’t worry, I’ll pay your legal fees.
  • I’ll use eminent domain, pave that residential area and put up an energy efficient parking lot.
  • I’ll add a climate science degree at Trump University.
  • I’ll keep exchanging wives for younger, more energy-efficient models. It’s great. I recommend it for everybody.
  • Reduce my carbon footprint? Why? My carbon footprint is just between a medium and large, just like my hands and other things. It’s a great size.
  • And last of all, if you give me the nomination, I’ll stop pissing on conservative principles. Ok, I probably won’t, but I will start using the transgender or coed restrooms instead. You know, there are chicks in there. It’s great.
Send to Kindle