(somewhere secret in the desert)
Habib: Look over there. Hamas has a booth. Come on.
Hamas Rep: Welcome. Are any of you interested in joining Hamas?
Ali: Thanks, but we’re all set. Love the caliphate.
Hamas Rep: That’s perfectly alright. I’m a big fan of the caliphate myself. We are all doing Allah’s great work. If you have any questions, feel free to ask. Help yourself to any of the literature and swag. We’ve already run out of the ‘Death to the Jews’ pins, but here are some ‘Nuke Israel’ temporary tattoos for the kids and some bumper stickers that will look equally great on the rumps of your Humvees, goats or mules. Or maybe even on the rump of one of the missuses if you are feeling a tad kinky. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more.
Ahmed (leafing through the pamphlets): Now here is something I’ve never heard of before. What is this adopt a Jew program?
Galid: I am confused. Why would anyone want to adopt a Jew? They are so expensive to maintain, and too lazy and stubborn to make a decent slave. You would get carpel tunnel from all the beating. Is not a bullet much cheaper?
Ali: Or stones? Stones are cheap.
Hamas Rep: No, it’s not like that at all. This is a fund raising program.
Habib: Oh, to help fund all your charity work?
Hamas Rep: Yes. Exactly that. Charity work. Here’s how the program works. We have a tunnel that leads directly to a settlement just across the Israeli border with many Jews ready to be harvested. For a donation of as little as fifteen cents a day, you can adopt a Jew. We will harvest the Jew for you and send you a photograph of your own special Jew. Once a week, you will receive a letter from your special Jew, usually begging for its life or asking you to implore to the authorities on his behalf to pay the ransom. It’s adorable, I can promise you. Precious memories like this will cost you so little. For a donation of only a dollar a day, your weekly letter will include additional keepsakes from your Jew. A little hair, a toenail, a tooth, maybe an entire digit. Momentos you will treasure for a lifetime. And for a one time donation of $1,000, you will never have to hear from your Jew again.
Habib: Could I get a group discount? What would it cost for a half dozen or so posing in an Abu Ghraib style pyramid? Could I be the pointer?
Galid: I am still confused. Why do I want to adopt a Jew? Are you running out of missiles?
Ahmed (examining a large fishbowl filled with folded up pieces of paper): Is this some sort of raffle? I didn’t bring any buisness cards.
Hamas Rep: Oh no. Gambling? That would be un-Islamic. That is another fund raiser for our charity. The bowl contains emails we got from Hillary’s personal server. No one’s read them yet. We just printed them out in bulk. For five bucks, you can reach into the fishbowl and pick out your own personal, potentially top secret email. Who’s in?
(All hand over five bucks)
Ali: I’m first (pulls a piece of paper from the bowl)
Habib: Read it. Read it.
Ali: Ok. Ok. Here it goes. “Huma, please help me. I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.”
Ahmed: Ok. My turn. (pulls out an email) Wow. This has a whole email chain. Better start at the bottom of the thread. “Huma, can you tell Anthony once again to stop sending me pictures of his junk. I’m sick to death of looking at closeups of his balls.” Ok, then Huma responds: “For the millionth time, those are not closeups of my husband. They are aerial military photos of the Iraqi hillside.”
Galid: Ok, here goes. I really hope I get the name of a secret agent we can torture and turn to our cause. Wish me luck. (picks paper, reads it and looks dejected).
Habib: Come on. What does it say?
Galid: It’s another thread. I’ll go to the bottom. Wow, I am confused. There are an awful lot of typos here. I’ll do my best to figure it out on the fly: “Huma, I think I have gone blind.” And then Huma responds: “Are you sure you don’t have your head stuck in Obama’s bucket again?”
Ali (interrupting): I bet she has her head up her butt.
Galid: Well, let’s see. And Hillary replies: “No. I can feel my face, but I can’t see my hand in front of it.” Huma responds again: “Have you tried the light switch?” And Hillary again: “This is one of the many reasons I can’t quit you.” And Huma replies: “You know, like I told you before, you can send me texts from your blackberry in situations like this. You don’t have to email me.” And Hillary responds: “This isn’t a text? I’m so confused.” (Galid stops reading to comment) I too am confused? Texts and emails are not the same?
Ahmed: Not the same Galid. Is there more?
Galid: Oh yes. She keeps going: “Where am I and who are you? Why it is still so dark? Is that you again, oh Lord of Flies? I’m not ready to go yet. You promised me vengeance! I will be satisfied!” And then Huma again, at least I think it is Huma. It says it is Huma: “You will be avenged. Place your faith in me, give me the glory and you will be avenged. Blood will flow like flowing blood.”
Ali: Ok, that just got really weird.
Galid: I am so confused. And there is still more: “I am so, so cold. Never shall I be warm again. Saul, dear Saul. You lied to me. You said I wouldn’t, but I do. I do miss it. How can I miss something that never existed?” And then Huma again: “Take your pills and go to bed, Hill. I’m turning off my phone until morning.”
Ali: She is a freaking psycho! How can she rule? The Koran is exactly right. Baghdadi is at least twice as sane as she is.
Habib: Ok, my turn now. (picks paper) Oh, this is a good one. It says Galid Al Sawahiri is an American spy!
Galid: Now I am really confused. That is me! How would I not know this? Is it so top secret even I am not aware of it? I must not have a high enough security clearance.
Ali: Stone Galid!
Ahmed: Death to spies!
Galid: Death to me! Wash me in my blood!
(Ali pelts Galid with a stone and Galid tosses a stone into the air and tries to let it land on his head but misses himself)
Habib: Just kidding. It doesn’t really say that. No need to stone Galid.
Galid: Oh, you kidder. You had me good there. I am so relieved, my friend. Praise Allah I am not a spy.
Habib: Here is what it really says. Starts with Hillary: “Huma, have you seen this offensive video about Islam. It is hilarious!” And then Huma responds: “Do you realize you just forwarded that video to your entire middle eastern contact list?” And then Hillary: “Where is that blasted reset button again?”
(To be continued, maybe, if I feel like it)