(somewhere secret in the desert)
Corporate HR Imam: The moaning has subsided enough that I think we can get on with the final unit in this training session. I think you will all really like this section. Microaggressions. Can anyone tell me what a microaggression is?
Habib: When you try to stone someone with very small rocks?
Galid: A duck!
Ali: When you kick sand in the face of an infidel?
Ahmed: When you hurl firecrackers across the Israeli border?
Galid: When you only threaten to ravish the villagers?
Ahmed: Or when you are trying to subdue the captured women of the infidel, but they only smirk and laugh and point mockingly at your manhood?
Galid: When you shout ‘Irritable bowels to the Jews’ instead of ‘Death to the Jews?’
Galid: Oh, oh. I know. When you hold up signs that say ‘Give time out to those who insult Islam.’
Ahmed: When Ali releases only a tiny bit of his noxious fumes?
Ali: I’ll kill you for that!
Corporate HR Imam: Settle down. Remember what I have told you about safe spaces. Let’s save the violence for the infidel.
Ali: I will stand it no longer! Any more insults and I will unleash all of Allah’s aggression upon you! It will be no puny microaggression, my friend, I can assure you.
Corporate HR Imam: Ok, thank you for that segue, Ali. Let’s calm down and get back to the microaggression training. None of the things you suggested is a microaggression. Here is what I mean by a microaggression. Microaggressions are the everyday verbal, nonverbal, and environmental slights, snubs, or insults, whether intentional or unintentional, that communicate hostile, derogatory, or negative messages to target persons based solely upon their marginalized group membership.
Galid: I am confused. That whole explanation only causes confusion. What is ‘marginalized group membership?’
Corporate HR Imam: I’m glad you asked that. I bet you aren’t the only one confused on that point. ‘Marginalized group membership’ is code for everyone except straight white males.
Galid: Hey, I am not white.
Ahmed: Neither am I white. Just look how swarthy I am.
Ali: So we are all part of the marginalized group?
Galid: I am confused again. I thought being marginalized was bad. How can being a mighty holy warrior of Allah be bad? Death to those who would marginalize Allah!
Corporate HR Imam: Ah, Galid. You are starting to get the picture. Being marginalized is usually bad, but in this case it works in our favor. Microaggressions are insults upon the marginalized. And what do we do when we are insulted?
Galid (thinking): Death…to those who insult Islam?
Corporate HR Imam: Exactly. Microaggressions are still aggressions, and what is the appropriate response to aggression?
Ahmed: More aggression!
Corporate HR Imam: Exactly. We are completely justified in reacting to microaggressions with aggression and violence. It is the only way. So we need to learn to what microaggressions are so we can lash out at them appropriately. For example, if you went into an eatery of the infidel and there was a bacon burger on the menu, that would be a microaggression. Can anyone think of some other examples of microaggressions you have encountered?
Habib: When I was doing recon in the men’s locker room, and that infidel with the luscious golden locks wrapped a towel around his head?
Corporate HR Imam: Good example Habib.
Habib: So I could rape him without mercy?
Corporate HR Imam: Rape, behead, stone. However the rage of Allah directs you. All are appropriate responses to a microaggression. Anyone else have an example?
Ahmed: When I walked into a Home Depot, and the employee asked me if I needed help finding the fertilizer and nails?
Corporate HR Imam: Good, Ahmed. Anyone else?
Ali: When someone came up to me and said, “Islam is a religion of peace, right?”
Habib: When you are doing recon in the men’s locker room and you see the circumcised.
Galid: Oh, I know. If someone tried to stab me to death with a sewing needle.
Corporate HR Imam: No, Galid. That would not be a microagression.
Galid: I am so confused.
Corporate HR Imam: It’s ok, Galid. If you have any question or doubt, aggression is always a good response.
Ahmed: When you are walking past someone, and they clutch their Jew more tightly.
Ali: When someone asks you if Uber has caused a decline in your fares.
Habib: Oh, I know. When you see girls at school.
Ali: Or not wearing a burka.
Ahmed: Or a man that is not wearing a beard.
Galid: When someone strikes a mighty blow to your neck with a Nerf sword.
Corporate HR Imam: Good. All good. Except for you Galid. That still isn’t a microaggression. But I guess the bottom line is, if you find it insulting, it’s a mircoaggression, and how do we respond to microaggressions?
All: Death to the microaggressor! Death to the microaggresor! Death to the microaggressor!
Corporate HR Imam: Good, and at last we get to the beheading demonstration. Once again, our victims are some traitors within our midst. Their identities come to us courtesy of Hillary Clinton’s personal server, praise Allah. We don’t even need to bribe her foundation for her to be on our side.
Habib: Truly. Her server is less secure than Bill’s interns.
Corporate HR Imam: Mohammad? Are you still among the living? Mohammad? No, not you or you or you or you. I’m looking for the Mohammad that will be wielding the knife in today’s demonstration. Mohammad? Oh, yes. There you are. Come on up, please.
Mohammad (comes forward swathed from head to toe in desert camo Tyvek): You will see that I am adorned in accordance with our current gowning level II requirements. Please refer to SOP 000-128-003 rev06 for the gowning level requirements for bio-hazardous situations such as the beheading of the infidel. I can’t emphasize these requirements enough. You do not want to risk getting the blood of the infidel on you. Our scientists have not yet been able to determine how the plague of Christianity has been spreading, but you would not want to risk contracting Christianity from your victims should it turn out to be a blood born pathogen.
Galid: What? Already the Jews plot to make us catch the homosexuality from hand sanitizer. Now they are trying to make us catch apostacy from the blood of the infidel. Surely the Jews are full of wile.
Mohammad: Indeed, my friend. Now, you will want to hold the knife firmly like this, and position the victim on his knees like so. Do not jerk-
(Mohammad’s head explodes and then the report of a rifle is heard)
(The crowd mulls in shocked silence for a moment)
Galid: It must be a cowardly American sniper!
Ahmed: Run away! Run away! I mean, to the village!
Habib: To the village!
Ali: To the village!
Ahmed: Quick, Ali. Provide us some cover. Release your deadly cloud.
Ali: That’s it. I’ll kill you for that.