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Thanksgiving at the White House 2016

Wednesday, November 25, 2015 10:22 am

(doorbell rings)

Joe: I’ll get it! I’ll get it!

Sasha opens the door.

Joe: Barry! I said I was going to get the door! I called it, and stupid Sasha did it!

Obama: It’s ok. You can answer the door next time.

Joe: But I wanted to do it now!

Obama: And don’t say stupid. It’s hurtful.

Joe (mumbling): I’ll show you hurtful.

Melissa Click enters

Obama: Welcome, Melissa. I may call you Melissa, I assume.

Melissa (nodding): I just felt it was my duty to inform you that your invitation to Thanksgiving Dinner was severely lacking. It should have noted: Trigger Warning – Celebration may involve cultural appropriation of Native Americans and their cuisine. Trigger Warning – Celebration may involve the idealized representation of genocidal, white Europeans. Trigger Warning – Food may be offensive to vegetarians. Trigger Warning – The sexist term “Tom Turkey” may be uttered. Trigger Warning – prayers of thanks may be uttered to a mythical bearded man in the sky. Trigger Warning – you may be subjected to abusive patriarchal sporting events. Trigger Warning…..

Obama: No need for all that. My very presence is the ultimate safe space. There will be no social injustice or glorification of American history here.

Melissa: We shall see, my pretty.  We shall see.

(doorbell rings)

Joe: (rushes to the door, barely beating Sasha to it. He sticks his tongue out at her and opens the door)

Cecile Richards, President of Planned Parenthood (enters)

Obama: Well, don’t you look lovely this evening!

Cecile: Oh, you are such a liar! I look positively dreadful. I haven’t had the money to get my hair or nails done professionally for weeks. I could really use some cash. Have your daughters made any mistakes you don’t want them punished for, wink, wink?

Obama: Oh, you are incorrigible!

Cecile (brandishing a plate of large eggs): Wait til you see what I brought for an appetizer. Have you heard of Balut?

Obama: Balut? Isn’t that partially developed duck fetuses, still in the egg?

Cecile: Traditionally, yes, but mine have that Thanksgiving twist. Turkey fetuses, darling. I just love working with fetuses. So versatile. So many uses.

(Stevie Wonder and Ahmed Mohammed arrive and enter just behind Cecile)

(Stevie Wonder feels his way to a piano and starts playing Ebony and Ivory)

Obama: Welcome, my brothers. And what is that you have brought with you today, Ahmed? Is it another one of your inventions?

Ahmed: It is a thermonuclear device. My father’s cell…I mean… I made it from parts I got from Radio Shack.

Obama: Well, aren’t you the little prodigy.

Ahmed: It really works, too. My father says, when we win the lawsuit against the school, Allah will bless us with many more such devices.

Joe (speaking to Melissa): So I hear you are in Women’s Studies. I read your scholarly work on Twilight. Fascinating.

Melissa: You did? I didn’t think anyone but my students read that. And I forced them.

Joe: That’s a shame. Your work deserves much broader attention. Your representations of class in Big Redneck Wedding and 50 shades of post feminism completely changed the way I examine my own patriarchal tendencies. I think my preconceived notions of gender have been a form of self-oppression I constantly struggle to liberate myself from.

(doorbell rings)

Sasha (rushes to answer)

Melissa: That is what I was aiming for. Did it make you consider self castration? The betterment of society by changing men.

Sasha (opens door): And speaking of changing men….

Bruce Caitlyn Jenner (enters): Hello everybody.

Obama: The party couldn’t start without the Woman of the Year.

Joe (moves up behind Melissa, puts his hand on her shoulder and whispers into her ear): I’ve spent my lifetime researching women studies as well. Maybe we can get together later and I can show you some of the things I learned….

Melissa: Whoa, I didn’t give you affirmative consent, buddy. Where I come from, that is rape.

Stevie Wonder: Really. Touching your shoulder is rape? Creepy and unwanted, yes, but rape?

Melissa: He just sexually assaulted me! You all saw it! The violence inherent in the patriarchal system.

Stevie Wonder (chuckling): Well, actually, I didn’t see anything.

Melissa: So this is a joke to you? I’m brutally, sexually assaulted by a repressor of the patriarchy, and you think this is funny?

Stevie Wonder: I’m not saying it wasn’t offensive, but don’t you think that comparing it to rape denigrates actual rape?

Melissa: I can’t believe you just said that! That’s not just a microaggression. That’s a macroaggression. Racist!

Joe: No, no. It’s ok. Black people can say that word!

Stevie Wonder: What are you even talking about? What word?

Joe: I can’t say it.

Stevie Wonder: You mean ‘rape?’

Joe: No. Not rape. Of course not rape. Everyone can say rape. Watch me. Rape, rape, rape.

Melissa: Yeah. White women on my campus cry rape all the time. It’s expected.

Joe: You know. THE word.

Stevie Wonder: No I don’t know.

Joe: You know. The N-word.

Stevie Wonder: What? I didn’t use the N-word. I never use the N-word. What are you even talking about?

Joe: Ok, Ok. I’ll say it. Please don’t shiv me?

Stevie Wonder: Now THAT was racist.

Joe: Denigrate. (ducks his head)

Stevie: Denigrate? That’s not the N-word. That has nothing to do with the N-word.

Melissa: Sure it does. Sounds just like it. And it has such negative connotations.

Stevie Wonder: Denigrate is not the N-word. Trust me.

Melissa: How would you know? You’re not even authentically black.  We can’t trust your feelings on the subject.

Stevie Wonder: What? Of course I’m authentically black.

Melissa: No you’re not. You’re not only colorblind. You’re fully blind. You can’t see your own blackness or anybody else’s blackness or whiteness or redness or yellowness. You don’t even know what race is. That changes everything. You’ve spent your life in a warm race-free cocoon of blind privilege.

Stevie Wonder. Blind privilege? Now I know you must be an academic.

Melissa: Do you really think you would have gotten where you were if you could see? Paul McCartney totally carried you on Ebony and Ivory. Do you even know which of you was which? Ebony? Ivory? Which am I?

Stevie Wonder: Ok. You’re right. I’m blind. I have no idea what race you are, but based upon what you have been saying, I have been able to determine that you are severely mentally retarded.

Obama: Don’t be preposterous. Why would we invite a mentally retarded person to Thanksgiving at the White House?

Stevie Wonder: I assumed it was a Special Olympics award thing. Or maybe it’s so Joe wouldn’t be the numbest hake at the table. All I know is that my special blind privilege has heightened my other senses, and my retard-radar is clanging off the charts.

Melissa: You make me so angry. You are such the microagressor. If only I had brought my muscle with me. Not even a blind black man can get away with calling a woman a retard.

Stevie Wonder: Ok, you’re not retarded. You’re mentally challenged. Feel better now?

Melissa: Screw you. Unlike you, I care about creating a beautiful future where everyone is equal and valued. Where everyone contributes according to their abilities and receives according to their needs. Where no one is labeled as mentally challenged.

Stevie Wonder: Yeah, because in your future, Planned Parenthood killed off the mentally challenged and sold them for parts?

Cecile: Heavens no! That’s absurd! We would never do that! Researchers don’t want defective parts. But that’s okay. Have you seen 101 Dalmatians, darling? Coats, jewelry, lampshades so many other personal uses for them. So versatile.

Stevie Wonder: I think I’m going to be sick.

Joe (moves up behind Bruce, puts his hand on his shoulder and whispers into his ear): You’re so brave.  And strong.  Maybe later you can come up to my room and we can reenact some scenes from my favorite movie. The Crying Game.

Stevie Wonder: Now I know I’m going to be sick.

Joe (rubbing Bruce’s shoulders): I can really understand what you are going through, Caitlyn. Even though I was born a poor white boy, I’ve never really considered myself to be white. I’ve always felt that I was something else on the inside. I’m a Palestinian trapped in an infidel’s body.

Stevie Wonder: You see what I’m saying? Numb as a hake.

Melissa: What right have you to judge him?

(Stevie Wonder’s eyes roll behind his dark glasses)

Joe: When I look into the mirror and gaze deep into my own eyes, do you know what I see?

Stevie Wonder: An imbecile?

Joe: A strapping young Palestinian. Skin the rich color of pumpkin latte and full, luxurious manes of hair on my head and on my chest. I have Stars of David tattooed on my pecs, and I’m pretty sure my name is Jaime Goldschmidt.

Stevie Wonder: Wait a minute. Goldschmidt? Are you sure you are a Palestinian?

Joe: Jaime is a self-loathing Jew converted to the righteous cause.

Stevie Wonder: So let me get this straight. You are a Palestinian trapped inside a self-hating Jew trapped inside a senile old white idiot.

Joe (nods): I’ve never heard it put so clearly. And I think the Palestinian within me might be a lesbian.

Stevie Wonder: There are not enough derogatory terms to describe you.

Melissa: You, you intolerant …uh..uh.. some kind of –ist. I’m sure what kind, but you are definitely some kind of vile –ist.

Stevie Wonder: How about we stop the arguing and just relax and listen to some football.

Melissa: I give up. You are so patriarchal.

Obama: You gave us the trigger warning. Football is on the table. Let’s see who is playing. We have the Redskins versus the Vikings.

Melissa: Ah. No. White Europeans against oppressed natives. No way. No way.

Obama: Well, let’s try the NBA then. Let’s see. There’s the Celtics versus the Warriors.

Melissa (screams, bangs her palms against the sides of her head and curls up into a fetal position)

Stevie Wonder: And we’ve entrusted the education of our children to her? (to Melissa) Ponder this. Margaret Sanger, Karl Marx, the Frankfurt Group, Saul Alinsky. All white European stock.

Melissa (whimpers)

Bruce Jenner: Now that was just cruel.

Stevie Wonder: You know. Even blind, I can still tell you’re a man. Let’s grab a beer and catch the game.

Bruce Jenner: Now you’re talking, brother.  I give up.  My show’s ratings were crap anyway.

Ahmed: Excuse me, but do you know if that universal remote came from the Radio Shack? I think you may have just prematurely activated my thermonuclear device.  I wasn’t supposed to set it off until halftime, but it is ticking now.  Father will be so cross with me.

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Climate Change is More Deadly Than Terrorism

Wednesday, November 18, 2015 2:05 pm

AP – Antarctica – The nude, frozen corpses of hundreds of environmental activists were found earlier this morning by the crew of an ice breaking ship near Antarctica. Hundreds of other severely frostbitten survivors huddled together for warmth, and a scant few were being noshed upon by the cuddly polar bears they had tried to befriend.

“We don’t understand what went wrong,” explained one of the survivors, once his lips had sufficiently thawed. “When we planned our nude climate change protest, we expected that the ice caps would have receded by now. The GCM models told us that the globe would be dangerously warm long ago. Of course, the thermometers all said it was colder than Ted Cruz’s heart out there, but we assumed the thermometers were all broken. I mean, science, right? There were graphs and stuff? Al Gore had to stand on a ladder. It was supposed to be a nude romp in the newly tropic Antarctic, right? What went wrong? Yeah, it looked all icy and stuff, but we assumed that it was all just fine, white sand. I mean, didn’t the ice all melt already? What else could it be? When the drugs all wore off and we realized how cold it felt, we began flatulating and exhaling like crazy, but the greenhouse gases didn’t warm us. They didn’t warm us! Gaia, why hast though forsaken us?”

When asked to comment on the tragedy, President Obama had this to say. “This just vindicates what I have been saying all along. Climate change is a more dire threat to the world than terrorism. Here we have just one example when climate change models killed more democratic voters in a single attack than ISIS .”

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Hillary Reporting for Duty

Thursday, October 22, 2015 9:45 am

My Man in State has forwarded me some items that might come to light during the Hillary Benghazi hearings:

  • When the Ambassador requested more security, Hillary offered to send some TSA agents.
  • She ‘accidentally’ tweeted a link to the offensive video to the entire terrorist watch list.
  • Huma assured her in an e-mail that all muslims in Libya were peaceful.
  • Based upon the NSA data mining of American citizens, the staff at the Benghazi embassy was all from solid blue states, so she didn’t need their votes.
  • Professionals assured her that the embassy was secure. The same professionals assured her that her server was secure.
  • The reset button she sent to Libya didn’t say ‘reset’ in Arabic but actually said ‘look at me, I’m wearing a bacon bikini,’ and when the button was pressed, the deliciously ghastly photo was revealed.
  • Her junk e-mail setting sent all e-mails from Libya straight to the trash, where they were appropriated by the Chinese.
  • She thought the grandma beard she was sporting would give her more muslim street cred.
  • Her sources indicated that Bill and that little tart were going to be in the embassy that night…..
  • She wanted to send more security, but having to use two devices for e-mail confused and astounded her.
  • It takes a village to raze an embassy.
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Yes, Ayatollah. Do it to Me Again

Friday, July 17, 2015 9:45 am

If you thought the Iran Deal was bad, well, it seems more like a betrayal. My man in State slipped me some of the details that aren’t being reported in the media:

  • President Rouhani has openly begun referring to Obama’s negotiating style as “The Monica.”
  • President Rouhani was granted carte blanche use of Obama’s veto power and given the master remote to all the drones.
  • John Kerry will now be referred to as Caitlyn and must always wear a hijab in public.
  • Reagan’s grave will be moved to Tehran where Ahmedinejad may spit upon it with impunity.
  • Iranian officials will be allowed to make anytime/anywhere inspections of US nuclear facilities.
  • Israel was declared a nuclear-free zone.
  • On college campuses, women may not level charges of date rape without three additional witnesses.
  • Progressive restaurant owners will not be allowed to refuse to cater gay hangings.
  • The south wall frieze of Mohammad at the Supreme Court will be sandblasted and replaced with a carving of Obama prostrate before the Ayatollah.
  • Iran gets first dibs on all Planned Parenthood fetal parts.
  • The IRS will now be collecting a flat jizya tax from all non-Muslims on behalf of our Iranian overlords.
  • The hostages from the Iranian Hostage Crisis will be returned to Iran.
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Free Trade for Me…

Tuesday, June 23, 2015 4:00 pm

My man in State got me a copy of the full Obamatrade bill. There are some interesting clauses tucked away inside:

  • The EU will reduce tariffs on US goods if the US agrees to take Greece
  • The next pressing of the $10 bill will feature “Where’s Biden?” hidden puzzles on the bills
  • Commits the US Treasury to buy up large quantities of Monopoly money and Boardwalk
  • It grants Obama the right of Prima Nocta for all sex slaves brought into the country
  • Hillary will be traded to the Bakongo tribe for a goat pelt, a pair of earrings and a lip disc
  • Mexican cartels can buy their guns directly from ATF rather than through that shady fast and furious scheme
  • The OPM will be responsible for the oversight and security of all internet transactions
  • Trade relations with the US will be predicated upon a nation’s exuberance for homosexuality (Fine Print: all muslim countries are exempt from this requirement)
  • For all future loans from Red China, red states will be offered as collateral
  • The White House and Congressional communications system will be outsourced to Bob in Mumbai
  • Price controls will fix the global price of white folk at $1.99/kg
  • Putin is granted the Kardashians/Jenners in exchange for stopping staring at Michelle’s posterior and giving Barack those scary looks
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Not Even an Eye Patch Would Make Him Cool

Friday, April 10, 2015 9:45 am

My man in State has been looking into the mystery of Harry Reid’s black eye. While no one believes the rubber band story, no one really has the truth yet. Here are some of the rumors from the insiders. I bet the truth is in there somewhere.

  • His right eye offended him, so he cast it out.
  • He was shadow boxing and lost.
  • He took ‘cross my heart and hope to die, stick a needle in my eye’ a little too literally.
  • He got beat up for jogging while white.
  • It was a bizarre laser pointer accident.
  • While calling the Senate to order, he got disoriented and gaveled his eye instead of his desk.
  • He slipped while snorting green Jello through a straw and the straw poked him in the eye.
  • He rose his fist to the sky and said, “If I am lying about Mitt Romney’s taxes, may God smite me.”
  • You know that old saying: “You never forget how to ride a bike.” Myth busted.
  • You know that old saying: “He can’t walk and chew gum at the same time.” Myth confirmed.
  • Lucifer took it as collateral.
  • He lost an ill-conceived staring contest with Dick Cheney.
  • He was at a petting zoo, and the bunny resisted.
  • As the New Year broke, he tried to kiss Sarah Palin.
  • He took careful aim with his Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle.
  • It was the result of manmade carbon emissions. Is there nothing global climate change can’t do?
  • He had both his hands up in surrender, but the mob goon clocked him anyway.
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What Difference at This Point Does it Make?

Thursday, April 9, 2015 9:45 am

Just to see if I could, I hacked into Hillary’s personal e-mail server and undeleted lots of interesting little tidbits.  Here are some of them:

  • Some disturbing audition videos she e-mailed to the producers of the film 50 Shades of Grey.
  • Excerpt from an e-mail to someone identified only as BarneyF: Please. I miss you. I know we can make it work. Don’t I look like a man?
  • Repeated e-mails to Anthony Weiner threatening to tell Huma if he didn’t text her better pics.
  • Excerpt from e-mail: Stone’s on to us. You must ‘relocate’ the brain again.
  • Confusing e-mails from the US District Attorney’s office stating that the DNA staining Monica’s Blue dress was not of earthly origins.
  • Pleas made to several psychiatrists asking if they could help her develop multiple personality disorder, hopefully gaining some personalities that were actually interesting and likable.
  • Way to many cosplay selfies of her dressed up as Gleek.
  • An e-mail from Baal13: Of course you don’t have my support for 2016, you stupid twit!  We had an agreement, and Gosnell didn’t make quota, so unless you can make up the difference……and don’t try and pawn that vapid Chelsea off on me again.  She ain’t worth a dangling chad.
  • Lots of sexy ankle shots were e-mailed to Middle Eastern dictators.
  • E-mails suggesting that she spent millions of State Department funds helping a Nigerian prince.
  • Repeated e-mails to Michael Mann complaining that a hockey stick was a terrible symbol for warming.
  • An e-mail from AyatollahK: Have received your ‘donation.’  Precisely which ‘red’ cities do you need ‘terrorized to extinction’ in order to swing the electoral college your way?
  • Heated arguments back and forth with the potential publisher of her next book, It Takes a Potemkin Village.
  • Excerpt from e-mail sent to Putin99: You know how to press all of my ‘reset’ buttons. I want you to take your shirt off and ride me like that bear.
  • Really odd footage of her and her staff partying with Ovaltine and illegal prescription laxatives.
  • An e-mail from Baghdadi77: re: our arrangement, I am confused.  When you said you wanted Ted Cruz’s head on a plate, was that figurative or literal?
  • An e-mail to The_Jackal: We’ll always have Benghazi!!!!!
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Mister Ahmedinejad’s Neighborhood

Wednesday, April 8, 2015 9:45 am

(Music is playing as the scene pans over a cardboard replica of Tehran)

Mr. Ahmedinejad: (opens the door and enters holding a long yellow box, singing and swapping his suit coat and dress shoes for a sweater and sneakers)

It’s a beautiful day for a martyrdom,

A beautiful day for a jihad.

Would you be mine?

Could you be mine?…

It’s a jihadi day in this beauty wood,

A jihadi day for a beauty.

Would you be mine?

Could you be mine?…

I have always wanted to have a martyr just like you.

I’ve always wanted to live in a caliphate with you.

So, let’s make the most of this beautiful day.

Since we’re together we might as well say:

Would you be mine?

Could you be mine?

Won’t you be my martyr?

Won’t you please,

Won’t you please?

Please won’t you be my martyr?

Mr. Ahmedinejad: Hi neighbor. Glad we could be together again. Can you imagine what might be in this box? I’ll give you a hint. He works in the Speedy IED Delivery service. (opens box and removes a doll dressed like a mujahideen) Of course it’s not the real Mr. McJihadi, but it’s a doll that looks like him. See his scraggly beard and suicide vest and AK-47. His ‘Speedy IED Delivery’ cap. One of my neighbors likes to use her imagination and her hands to make dolls to rain death upon the enemies of Allah. She made this one for Mr. McJihadi, and he loaned it to me. Can you use your imagination and think of ways this doll could be used to rain death upon the Jews? That’s right. You could put a bomb in it. Or anthrax. Or depleted uranium. Or fill it with acid and hang it from a tree at that girls’ school down the street and leave a piñata whacking stick by it. That would teach those little girls not to whack a piñata like a boy or to be educated. There are lots of things you can do with your hands and a little imagination.

Let’s look at the magic Picture Picture. Can you do these things with your hands?

(Picture Picture depicts people wiring bombs, trying on suicide vests, firing RPGs, stoning rape victims, hanging homosexuals, beheading hostages, lighting pilots on fire)

Mr. Ahmedinejad: Wasn’t that interesting, neighbor. There are so many things you can do with your hands. Next week I would like you to steal your big sister’s cellphone and I will show you how to use it as a detonator.

Oh, what’s that neigbor? Do you hear the trolley coming? Nope, I don’t either. That’s because the IDF blew up your beloved trolley with drones. Isn’t that sad, neighbor? They claimed Hamas was hiding weapons on the trolley. But that was a lie. There were no weapons on the trolley. Thanks to Hillary Clinton’s insecure e-mail server, Hamas was able to hear about the attack in advance and move the weapons from the trolley to the maternity ward at OBL General Hospital. So don’t worry, neighbor. Our weapons are safe and the lucky martyrs on the trolley are enjoying a big roll in the hay in paradise. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to go to paradise?

But speaking of Hillary Clinton, is there a lesson we can learn from her, neighbor? That’s right. She is an example of what the Quran teaches us about women. They should always wear a burka, they shouldn’t be put in charge and their testimony can’t be trusted.

But with the trolley destroyed, we will have to walk to the Land of Conspiracy Theory. Follow me along the tracks, neighbor, and keep an eye out for King Bibi’s dreaded golem.

(scene changes to the Land of Conspiracy Theory. Martyr-Artyr is kneeling over Daniel Tiger of Allah who is lying in a ditch)

Martyr-Artyr: Oh my Allah! Are you alright? What happened to you Daniel Tiger of Allah?

Daniel Tiger of Allah (speaking weakly): Martyr-Artyr? Is that you? Praise Allah you have come.

Martyr-Artyr: Please, you must tell me what happened? Who did this to you?

Daniel Tiger of Allah: It was King Bibi. He took my kidneys again. And some of my blood. I think the blood is for his Passover matzo ball soup.

Martry-Artyr: Quick. I must get you to Lady Elaine so she can heal you with her Boomerang-Toomerang-Soomerang.

Daniel Tiger of Allah: It is too late, Allah curse King Bibi. Lady Elaine tried to heal me, but King Bibi stole her magic boomerang and burned her for being a witch.

Martyr-Artyr: No, there must be a way.

Daniel Tiger of Allah (looking off in the distance): Why, yes, I would like another date. What? You say there are seventy-one more just like you waiting for me over by that oasis……(death rattle)

(Martyr-Artyr keens and then hears sobbing nearby and he goes toward it to find Donkey Hodie curled up on the ground in the fetal position)

Donkey Hodie: Just go away and leave me alone.

Martyr-Artyr: It was King Bibi again, wasn’t it?

Donkey Hodie: Just go away.

Martyr-Artyr: It okay. You aren’t a woman. I won’t stone you if you tell me what happened.

Donkey Hodie: King Bibi gave me some brownies. I think there was something in them that made me a homosexual. It was all a blur. I can hardly remember anything. My loins were aflame. But I don’t love him. I don’t even find him attractive. I don’t love him. Oh, what did he do to me?  Who will have me now? (weeping)

Martry-Artyr: Why did you tell me you were gay?

Donkey Hodie: No.  I’m not.  It was just the brownies.  I got better.

Martyr-Artyr: It is no matter.  I was wrong about that woman thing I said.  Turns out I must stone you after all for being gay.  My bad.

Donkey Hodie: No!  Please!

Martyr-Artyr (after he is done stoning): But that is the straw that breaks the back of my camel. I am sorry my friend.  I will avenge you Donkey Hodie. It is time to put an end to that tyrant. Come everybody! To Castle Israel!

(All the inhabitants of the Land of Conspiracy Theory raze the castle to the ground, hang King Bibi from a tree and set him ablaze as he screams pleasingly)

(Scene changes back to Mr. Ahmedinejad’s living room)

Mr. Ahmedinejad: I just want to make it clear, neighbor, that we didn’t burn the real Bibi. Not yet. That monster and his pig-dog minions are still out there waiting to get you. Unless you can find a way to stop them.  That is all the time we have today, but we will be together next time, unless, of course, you have become a good little martyr. That would give me a really good feeling.


It’s a good feeling

Such a happy feeling

It’s such a good feeling to know you’re not alive.

It’s such a happy feeling

You’re exploding outside.

And when you wake up ready to say

I think I’ll make a bloody new day

It’s such a good feeling,

A very good feeling,

The feeling you know that you’re my martyr.

It’s a good feeling

It’s a happy feeling

It’s such a good feeling

To know you’ve found doom.

It’s such a happy feeling to find that you’ve gone kaboom

And when you wake up ready to say

I think I’ll make a bloody new day.

It’s such a good feeling,

A very good feeling,

The feeling you know that you’re my martyr.

And I’ll be back

When the day is new

And I’ll have more ideas for you.

And you’ll have things you’ll want to blow up too.

I will too.

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Obama in Iran

Tuesday, April 7, 2015 9:45 am

If you are wondering why Obama has managed to negotiate a deal with Iran that doesn’t make much sense, well, here are some other things Obama did during the negotiations that didn’t make much sense either:

  • Obama gifted President Rouhani with a honey-baked ham and a case of bourbon.
  • When introduced to the Ayatollah, Obama exclaimed, “You’re not the real Santa,” and began tugging on his beard.
  • He kept assuring the Iranians that if they liked their centrifuges they could keep their centrifuges, only he wasn’t lying this time.
  • He called the receptionist at his hotel front desk to complain that there wasn’t a free Gideon Bible in his room and that he couldn’t understand the book that was in the drawer of his nightstand because it was written in squiggly and could he please get another one because he accidentally started this one on fire but it was okay because he also accidentally dropped it in the toilet after attempts to put out the flames with spit and urine failed.
  • He presented President Rouhani with a novelty button with a caption that was supposed to read “Reset” in Arabic. However, due to a translation error, the caption actually read: “What? You expect me to believe that ham, bacon and pork chops all come from the same magical animal?”
  • He kept asking the Egyptian delegate to explain to him how the Egyptian cotton industry could thrive without slavery and mentioning that he had a lot of unemployed honkies he could sell him on the cheap.
  • As he was settling down in President Rouhani’s private jet, he suddenly yelled, “Wanna see some mother huggin’ snakes on this mother huggin’ plane?” Then he threw down his staff, looked confused when nothing happened and then began mumbling something about that being the last time he ever believed something a Bush told him.
  • He kept telling everyone that for Lent he had given up Christianity.
  • He was heard whispering to President Rouhani, “You know, since all these women look alike clad in burkas, it would be easy to accidentally take the wrong ones home with us. (wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more, say no more).”
  • He was overheard arguing with the Customs Agent. “It’s an honest mistake. With all I hear about people constantly getting stoned in this country, I thought it was obligatory that I bring my own pot and heroin.”
  • For days he refused to entreat with anyone but Marduk.
  • He began every speech by quoting John 3:12.
  • During lunch he was heard asking the Egyptian delegate, “You can be straight with me. Do you ever regret letting those people go?”
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Camp Hillary

Friday, March 20, 2015 5:15 pm

Things Hillary has planned for her adult fun camps

  • Frontal lobotomies
  • Laundering her foreign donations
  • White Water activities
  • A double elimination tournament of Pin the Cigar on the Intern
  • Crafting all those handmade leather Vote for Hillary wallets
  • Shredding, shredding, shredding
  • Classes on how to carry two phones at once
  • Relaxing crayon time with her special connect the dots edition of The Vagina Monologues Coloring Book
  • First aid training for those who can’t afford healthcare on the exchanges
  • Archery competitions involving hunting homeless men who have been dressed like Ted Nugent
  • Flag burning for beginners
  • Extinguishing burning flag burners for beginners
  • The First Annual Symbolism over Substance hot dog chopping competition


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Life With ISIS – Open Enrollment The End

Wednesday, March 11, 2015 9:45 am

(somewhere secret in the desert)

Corporate HR Imam: Before we get into the benefits, I want to quickly remind everyone that if you want to be part of the marriage raffle, please get your tickets into the bucket.  We will be drawing as each daughter exits the genital mutilation tent.

Habib: And how many tickets may we enter again?

Corporate HR Imam: Everyone is allowed four wives in total, so you may enter the number of tickets equal to 4 minus the number of current wives you have.

Galid: Wait a minute.  I am confused.  No one said there would be maths.  Death to story problems!  I mean, I can count to twenty-one if I remove my breeches, but how do you expect me to do those subtractions?  Do I look like an autism to you?

Ali: Where is Rainmomar when you need him?

Rainmomar (mumbling): 2 minutes to drone strikes.  Definitely, definitely 2 minutes.

Corporate HR Imam: If you have any problems figuring it out, just put in four tickets. If in the end you end up with more than four wives, there are plenty of stones around. We can remedy it.  But let’s deal with that when the time comes. We have some very exciting new benefits now that the caliphate is established. As I mentioned before, under Sharia Law you will all be receiving free healthcare, and I think we can all agree that that is a big f—ing deal.

Galid: Does it cover pre-existing conditions? My daughter can tell you, I have a terrible case of crotch rot.

Corporate HR Imam: Pre-existing conditions will be covered, post-existing conditions will not.  But let’s try and hold off on the questions until the end.  Under Sharia Health Care, or SHC, you are covered for all health issues or treatments mentioned in the Quran.  Anything else would just be ungodly.  We’ll be passing out Qurans to everyone so you can finally read it and see what is in it.

Ahmed: I have a question.  What about my sleepers in America?  They are part of the caliphate, yes?  Are they covered under SHC?

Galid: Yes, everyone in my cells was forced to buy insurance on the exchanges.  It cost so much they could not afford the explosives.  Obamacare alone stopped all of my scheduled attacks for 2014, Allah spit upon it.  Obamacare sounds like a Jewish conspiracy to me.

Corporate HR Imam: We have been made aware of those issues, and we will provide all our sleepers with SHC proof of insurance, so that should solve that problem going forward. I mean, that really is money down the tubes.  How healthy does someone have to be to blow themselves up?

Ali: That is very good news.  Obamacare didn’t even cover my sleeper’s health needs.  Obama said he could keep his doctor if he liked this doctor, but under Obamacare, the old crone he used to go to isn’t even considered a doctor.  It is crazy!

Ahmed: Yes.  And my sleeper’s monthly leachings and bloodletting are not even covered. And they claimed preventative medicine was important.

Ali: Exactly.  It requires to pay for birth control, but then it does not pay to have a camel kick that pregnant whore in the belly or for the supplies needed for the honor killing.  Obamacare does not care about the health of our people.

Galid: Obamacare is racism straight up!

Ali: Death to Obamacare!

Ahmed: Death to America!

(all ululating and shooting guns into the air)

Rainmomar (mumbling): 30 seconds to drone attack.  28 seconds (starts hitting himself on the head and running away)

Corporate HR Imam: Ok, calm down everyone.  Please calm down.  Can some of you go and bring back Rainmomar?

(Galid, Habib, Ali and Ahmed run after Rainmomar as the drones fly in and attack.  There are many minutes of wanton destruction)

Corporate HR Imam: Praise Allah the medical coverage isn’t effective until 3/15.  This would break us.

Rainmomar (looking over the aftermath of the attack): 43,569 mujahideen left.  Definitely 43,569.  Paradise definitely needs 478,656 more virgins.  Definitely 478,656.


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Life With ISIS – Open Enrollment Part 2

Friday, March 6, 2015 11:00 am

(somewhere secret in the desert)

Corporate HR Imam: So are there any more questions or concerns about the vaccinations before we move on?

Galid: I am confused. You made mention of a stretch goal. What is this? I have not heard of such a thing.

Habib: Me neither. I assumed it deals with the hanging of homosexuals. That is the only stretching I have ever done on the job.

Ahmed: Except for the stretching you do before raping and pillaging to avoid sprains and strains.

Habib: Huh?

Ahmed: Do you even pay attention to our training? You probably do not lift with your legs either.

Habib: Were you not listening? We get free healthcare now, praise Allah, so what does it matter if we get injured a little bit? We will be fixed up, Allah willing.

Galid: But what has this to do with stretch goals? I am still confused.

Corporate HR Imam: Galid, just don’t worry yourself about stretch goals, alright. Forget I even said it. It’s not something that the cannon fodd- I mean, the valiant foot soldiers need to worry about. It’s boring upper management stuff. But before we get into the new benefits, management has asked us to brainstorm about the newest threat against us from America.

Ali: Death to America!

(All ululate and shoot guns into air)

Ahmed: Death to the Great Satan!

Galid: I spit upon their threat!

Rainmomar (mumbling): 7 minutes to drone strike. 7 minutes. Definitely…definitely 7 minutes.

Corporate HR Imam: I really like your enthusiasm, but let’s calm down a bit and discuss this. The Americans-

Ali: Death to America!

(All ululate and shoot guns into air)

Corporate HR Imam: Calm down, please. Calm down. Yes, we all wish death to America. But let’s put the guns down for just a few minutes. The Great Satan had a conference to discuss how to deal with violent extremism.

Galid: And that is us? We are violent extremism?

Corporate HR Imam: Yes. They consider us violent extremists.

Galid: But I am confused. I always thought we were pretty moderate. I mean, I’ll kill someone who is an infidel, or an apostate, or a Sunni, or someone who insults the Messenger of Allah, or cartoonists, or homosexuals, or rape victims, or people running those stupid marathons in those sexy little shorts, or women wearing yoga pants, or family members who dishonor me in some way, or those douchebags who take up two parking spots, or if I could ever get my hands on that Bill Maher guy, but who wouldn’t? I mean that is just normal, right?

(All nodding assent)

Corporate HR Imam: In the twisted view of the infidel, that is all extreme. There is just no talking to those people. But, like I was saying, they had that conference about how to deal with us, and here is the solution they came up with. There it is up on the screen.  The solution to violent extremism begins in your community.


(All stare quizzically at the screen)

Galid: I am so confused. The solution? I thought violence was the answer. Why else are we striving to bring it to every community, Allah willing?

Ahmed: What does this even mean? Are they arming their communities? Training their children in their schools to fight us? What is this?

Corporate HR Imam: As far as we can tell, they are trying to remove arms from public places, making schools and malls and other public places gun-free zones.

Ali: So our agents do not even have to give up their lives to attack these targets?

Ahmed: Is this a white flag of surrender? Have we won?

(All chanting Dar al Islam and Allahu akbar)

Corporate HR Imam: Ok everybody. Settle down, please. That’s what we are trying to pick everyone’s brains about. This is the latest White House threat against us, and we don’t understand how it threatens us. We don’t even understand it enough to be able to combat it.

Ali: Could it be the economy? Maybe if the American hippies who put that together had jobs?

Galid: I’d rather just kill them, Allah be praised.

Rainmomar (mumbling): 3 minutes to drone strike. Definitely 3, 3 minutes.

(to be continued, maybe, if I feel like it)

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Life With Isis – Open Enrollment

Wednesday, March 4, 2015 11:00 am

(somewhere secret in the desert)

Corporate HR Imam: Welcome everybody to our first open enrollment fair. Now that Baghdadi has announced the caliphate, we will be able to fully implement Sharia which means many new and exciting benefits will be coming your way this year. You may be wondering why we had Bring Your Daughter to Work Day the same day we are having the open enrollment fair. Don’t worry. You’ll have plenty of time this afternoon to share the rough and tumble workday of the ISIS mujahideen with your daughters. But we wanted your daughters here today so they can enjoy the new benefits immediately. As you are all aware, under Allah’s law, healthcare is not a privilege but a right. May I please direct all your daughters to the Healthcare Tent to my right so they can get their free vaccinations and genital mutilations?

Ahmed: Wait a minute. Did I just hear you right? You want to vaccinate my daughter?

Galid: I am confused. I thought that vaccinations were a fiendish plot by the Jews to give us the autism.

Corporate HR Imam: Claims that vaccines cause autism have been thoroughly debunked. You have nothing to fear.

Galid: Ah, but is that not what the Jews would want us to think?

Ahmed: Was not Jonas Salk a Jew? You expect me to believe that a Jew would cure polio and invent vaccines out of the goodness of his black heart? Surely Allah laughs at such a thing.

Ali: Death to vaccines!

All ululating and shooting into the air

Galid: Death to autism!

Ahmed: Death to free preventative medicine!

Ali: Death to declining infant mortality rates!

Habib: Death to AIDS!

Corporate HR Imam: Calm down, everyone. Calm down. I can guarantee you that the vaccines are safe.  I’ll be getting them myself.

Galid: I am confused.  Do you expect me to believe that such great minds as Charlie Sheen and Jenny McCarthy could be mistaken?  Allah forfend.  How could this be?

Ahmed: Yes. I do not want my daughter to catch the autism.

Galid: Yes. Yes.  My daughter is already too smart. We have kept her out of school, but it does no good. If she got the autism and could then do the counting better than me and beat me every time at the blackjack, the shame would be too great.  I would have to honor kill her, Allah forbid.

Corporate HR Imam: Let’s think about this logically for a minute. Why would the Jews want to give any of us autism? What good would that do?

Ahmed: Have you ever tried to brainwash a child with autism?

Ali: Yes. It does no good. They just stare off into space and hit the ground with a stick. I cannot even get them to ululate.  If all our young recruits had the autism….

Galid: Maybe if there were casinos of the Great Satan around here, we could use the autisms for fundraising, but then Allah forbids us from gambling. I am so confused.

Ahmed: But it is not gambling, my friend, if it is a sure thing.

Corporate HR Imam: Why do I get the feeling that everything you know about autism you learned from watching Rainman? You probably are not aware that we already have some mujahideen with autism, and their skills are very valuable to our cause. Rainmomar? Are you here? Please come forward Rainmomar.

Rainmomar: 50,217 mujahideen. 50,000…50,217.

Corporate HR Imam: Rainmomar has been very helpful to our cause.

Rainmomar: 5,356,125,342 infidels left to behead. 5,356,125,342 infidels.

Corporate HR Imam: He handles all our numbers for us.

Rainmomar: 13 bullets.  13 bullets in your magazine.  13.

Ali: Ah.  See!  He is wrong.  My magazine holds 30 bullets.

Corporate HR Imam: But did you not just shoot many into the air?

Ali: Oh yeah. Wow.  He is right.  I only have 13 left.

Corporate HR Imam: He is great for our logistics and planning.  And you wouldn’t believe how much time he saves us during our annual inventory accounting.

Rainmomar: 106,660 beheadings per mujahideen. 100,000…..106,660 beheadings.

Corporate HR Imam: See?  He’s better than an abacus. If we can meet our stretch goals for massive destruction and recruiting, we hope to get that beheading ratio cut in half by the end of Q4. Thank you, Rainmomar. You may sit down.

Rainmomar (mumbling): 12 minutes to drone attack. 12. 12 minutes.

Corporate HR Imam: What was that? No bother. Lets’ get back on track and talk about the exciting new benefit package under full Sharia.

(To be continued, maybe, if I feel like it)

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Iran: Who’s Your Daddy? Obama: You’re My Daddy.

Tuesday, March 3, 2015 9:45 am

According to my man in State, the arms deal with Iran is going swimmingly.  Here is some of the diplomatic give and take Obama will be making to sweeten the deal:

  • A new PBS kids show: Mr. Ahmedinejad’s neighborhood
  • Iran will officially blame Bush for their nuclear program
  • Out of the radioactive ashes, Barack will be given Obamastan
  • The Ayatollah gets to keep Kerry as his personal eunuch
  • Free birth certificates and social security numbers for any Iranian who can get across the border
  • Obama gets to declare the Middle East a nuclear weapon free zone, so Israel must give up their weapons
  • The only droning allowed by Americans will be Barack’s speeches
  • Iran will allow US sponsored Job Fairs into Tehran
  • Obama has agreed to return America to its pre-1492 borders
  • Hillary will be confined to a burka now and forevermore
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Little Help Please

Friday, February 27, 2015 10:30 am

As you may or may not recall, I wrote a childrens’ novel last summer and submitted it to a literary agent. It’s a short grade school novel I’d place in the light fantasy/horror genre, and I wove some Christian themes into it. After being on the fence about it for six months, the agent finally decided not to represent me. While he said it was highly enjoyable, he didn’t feel deeply enough connected to the writing to represent it. I’d like to see if I can improve it before I send it to the next agent so it hopefully won’t get stuck on the fence again. Basically, I’m looking for some more test readers to provide me with some additional feedback. Being aimed at a grade school audience, it’s not long. Each of my kids made it through in a single sitting between dinner and bedtime.

If I had to describe the book in a single sentence, this would be it: A particularly naughty little girl discovers she can travel to a dream world where anything is possible but finds something lurking there that is even naughtier than she, a nameless, ageless fiend that wishes to consume her and all those she holds dear.

If anyone would be willing to lend me a hand by reading it over and brutalizing it up a bit, I’d appreciate it. Or if you have grade school kids who could read it over and let me know if they find any parts dumb and/or boring, that works too. Just drop me a note in the comments if you’d be willing help, and I can whisk you a copy.

Thank you.

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The Secret Life of Barack Obama – Superego

Tuesday, February 24, 2015 9:45 am

Reporter: Many on the right have made it a point to go as far as to accuse you out right of being a narcissist. Would you care to respond? Sir? Sir?

Barack (stares off vacantly)

Barack’s inner voice: When you get right down to it, my story is an inspirational one. Given my origins, it’s surprising I’m able to function in society at all. I was created rather than born through a combination of genetic modification and fetal surgery. I don’t think even my creators really knew what they were intending to make or what they eventually created. At least they weren’t able to provide me any satisfactory answers when I quizzed them about it later in their underground Kenyan laboratories. Of course, the fact that they no longer possessed their tongues kept their answers rather on the unintelligible side. I guess I didn’t really think that approach through all the way. Or, deep down, I didn’t really care about their answers. I know who I am, so what do their dead intentions matter? I’m faster, stronger, smarter, hipper. I’m the only human being in existence who can really multitask, really and truly focus on more than one thing at a time. When one tampers with the brain, however, the law of unintended consequences inevitably produces consequences of the unintended variety. Hence, the name of the law. The unintended consequence number one: I have no morals. No matter how many times I may try and make the utterance, I can’t feel your pain any more than that failed prototype Bill Clinton could.

Such lack of empathy and morals, however, made it pretty easy for me to decide which booths at the Jobs Fair to frequent: hit man or politician. At first, hit man seemed sexier. The universe is filled with multicolored blood balloons that make all sorts of interesting sounds when you squeeze them properly, eventually bursting to reveal whether you correctly guessed the color of their blood. It was fun while it lasted, but I just kept feeling there must be some way I could wreak greater destruction. What kind of legacy am I leaving myself? Will history even remember me? A couple thousand deaths in the universe would be hardly noticeable. I needed to ramp those numbers up to feed the other unintended consequence: textbook narcissism. I needed to be worshipped. I needed to be remembered. So I turned to occupation two.

Politics was easy for me, it turned out. Being able to lie out of both sides of my mouth at the same time gave me an overwhelming advantage. And it turns out it’s true what they say. The pen is mightier than the sword.  Did I mention I can wield two pens at once? With one hand, I can approve the new and onerous pharmaceutical regulations that will add years to the timeline to approve new drugs and treatment. Millions will suffer and languish and die waiting for FDA approvals. With the other hand, I can ban the production of GMO foods, sentencing millions, especially children, to slow death by starvation. Yes, given that I am a genetically modified organism myself, I am aware of the irony. Maybe my lizard brain instinctively feels that eating GMO foods is cannibalism, but I doubt it. Of course, I can also cause dreadful carnage by not wielding the pens.  By doing nothing, I can create a global power vacuum ready to be filled by all sorts of nasties.  I can ignore Boko Haram and ISIS until they get really hard to unseat.  Wielded or not, pens are dangerous in my two hands.

“Joe,” I said. “Did you know that Allah is racist because he created sickle cell anemia?”

Joe is my artificial intelligence. I’ve been lying to him for years. I thought by feeding him sundry false and contradictory information, like ‘if you like your healthcare plan, you can keep your healthcare plan’ or ‘the economy is a zero-sum game’ or blaming everything on racism, it would help to make him more intelligent as he had to work out these little dilemmas on his own. He’s a blithering idiot. I sure guessed wrong on that one. I didn’t make the American people any smarter either when I subjected them to the same experiment.  They voted for me twice, after all.

“What do you make of that, Joe?” I asked.

Joe just shivered, no longer even trying to remove his feet from his mouth.  Joe gave up answering me long ago.

Reporter: Sir? What do you make of that sir?

Barack: I refuse to even get down into that mud with them.

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Secret Life of Barack Obama – Scooby Doo

Monday, February 23, 2015 9:45 am

Reporter: How would you respond to the allegations in David Axelrod’s book that you were never a friend to Israel?  Sir?  Sir?

Barack (staring vacantly into space)

(Barack, Harfne, Michellma, Shaggy Joe and Scooby-Bo are packed in the Mary Jane Machine driving along a spooky dirt road at night. There is a creepy castle visible in the distance)

Barack: Wow.  So that is Terror Castle.

Shaggy Joe: They sure picked a creepy enough place to hold a Palestine/Israel peace conference.

Michellma: And a creepy enough night too!

Scooby-Bo: Reah.

(The Mary Jane Machine shuts itself down and rolls to a halt)

Scooby-Bo: Ruh roh!

Michellma: Jinkies!  Why did we stop?

Barack: We must have hit the ten mile limit on the electric Chevy Volt Van. We better get out and see if we can find somewhere to charge her up.

(They pile out of the van)

Shaggy Joe: While we’re at it, we need to find somewhere to charge me up too? I’m so starving even my munchies have the munchies.

Scooby-Bo: Rah.  Re too.

(There was the sound of a muffled explosion masked by a ghostly ululating howl)

Shaggy Joe: Zoinks!  What was that?

Michellma: Quick.  Look at the van!  The batteries spontaneously combusted!

(Smoke and flames are licking up from under the hood of the Mary Jane Machine)

Barack: We better hoof it and find some help.

Harfne: We could head straight to the creepy looking castle.  It doesn’t look too far away if we cut through the forest.

A voice from the shadows: I wouldn’t do that if I were you.

(Two shapes approach, becoming more brightly lit as they approach the flaming Volt)

All: Bill Ayers and Bernardine Dohrn!

Barack: What are you doing here?

Ayers: We could ask you the same question.

Barack: We’re here for the peace conference.  Don’t you recognize me?  I’m the President.  The President of your fan club, I mean.  I love what you did with the Weathermen.  Here.  See.  It’s my official membership card.

Shaggy Joe (puts hands on Bernardine’s shoulders and bends toward her ear)

Michellma: Shaggy. Shaggy.  Stop that this instant.  Get your paws off of her and stop sniffing her hair.  I swear sometimes you are worse than Scooby.

Shaggy Joe: But she smells so good.  Like a smoky roasted Scooby Snack.

Michellma: That’s not her you’re smelling. (points to Scooby-Bo roasting Scooby Snacks on sticks over the flaming Volt)

Shaggy Joe: Save some for me!

Scooby-Bo: Ro ray! (jams the sticks down his throat and pulls them out sans Scooby Snacks) Rericious! (giggles)

Ayers: Did I hear you right?  Were you thinking about walking through Gaza Forest to Terror Castle in the middle of the night?

Shaggy Joe: Terror castle!  Zoinks!  (leaps into Bernardine’s arms)  Hold me!

Michellma: How many times do we have to go over this? Keep your wandering hands to yourself, Shaggy Joe.

Bernardine: Oh, it’s alright.  No harm done.  No worse than the drum circles at Occupy Wallstreet rallies.

Barack: So what’s so bad about Terror Castle?

Ayers: Folks say the woods and the castle are haunted by terrorist ghosts.

Shaggy Joe (stops sniffing Bernardine’s butt and looks up): Haunted?  Yikes! With a name like Terror Castle, no wonder.  It’s probably, like, the KOA for spooks of terror past, right Scoob?

Scooby-Bo: Right.

Ayers: Why don’t you stay with us in our cabin in the woods and we can get you to the peace conference in the morning?

Shaggy Joe: Does that cabin include a fully loaded pantry?  I’m famished!

Scooby-Bo: Reah.  Ramished!

Shaggy Joe (whispers to Scooby): Careful Scoob.  Stay close to me.  I think Barack is hungry too.  He’s licking his lips and giving you that drooly look again.

Scooby-Bo: Ruh roh.

Michellma: I’ve got some nice turnip chips.

(All gag and retch)

Bernardine: No thanks.  We’ve got plenty of real food for you to eat before you hit the sack.

Shaggy Joe (puts his hands on Bernardine’s shoulders and whispers into her ear): How about we hit the lunch sack.  I can make you the old Shaggy super sandwich.  Just imagine you stuffed between me and Scoob…

Harfne: Cool your heels, Shag. This is your last warning.

Bernardine: Oh, he isn’t hurting me none.  He’s much less terrifying than what we usually see in the Gaza forest.

Michellma: I’ve always wondered.  Why do ghosts terrorize people anyway?

Harfne: There must be lots of poverty and unemployment in the afterlife.  If we could just get these ghosts some jobs.

Shaggy Joe: Yeah, like they could be booticians.

Scooby-Bo (giggles)

Shaggy Joe: Or they can work at the ghostery store.

Scooby-Bo (giggles harder)

Shaggy Joe: They can run the scary-go-round or the rollerghoster or other dead end jobs.

Scooby-Bo (giggles harder)

Booming Voice: That mock will be your last.  Behead those who insult us! (ululating howl)

(all look toward the voice to see a green, glowing ghost floating in the air)

Michellma: Jinkies!  It’s the ghost of Osama bin Laden!

Harfne: Mr. ghost, sir.  Have you tried looking into Saudi Arabia’s exceptional job training program?

Shaggy Joe: Look out!  He’s got a bomb!

Barack: Shut up Harf, and run!

Ayers: Quick!  Follow us to the cabin!

Ghost Ladin: You can never escape me!

(They run to the cabin with the ghost in hot pursuit.  The door to the cabin is blocked by another glowing, green ghost)

Barack: Oh no!  The ghost of Yasser Arafat!

Ghost Arafat (uluating eerily): You will never survive the night! (He throws a bomb at the gang)

(Scooby catches the bomb.  He and Shaggy frantically toss it back and forth to each other)

Ayers: In the outhouse!  Quick!  Throw it in the outhouse!

Scooby-Bo (rushes toward the outhouse, kicks open the door and tosses down the bomb.  It explodes, coating Scooby in sewage)

Barack: Whew, that was close.

Shaggy Joe: You, like, totally need a bath now, Scoob.  You smell worse than me.

Scooby-Bo (moans sadly)

Shaggy Joe: Don’t worry.  I’ll fix you a Shaggy super-sandwich while you clean up.  You in, Bernardine?

Cut Scene

(Scooby settles into a huge metal tub filled with sudsy water)

Scooby-Bo (closes eyes and relaxes)

(gloved hands silently place wood around the tub and light the fire. Then the gloved hands sprinkle salt and pepper gently into the tub around Scooby-Bo)

Shaggy Joe (enters the room): Boy oh boy!  Something smells delicious in here!

Barack (startled, drops the salt and pepper shakers on the ground): Uh, um.  Let me be perfectly clear.  It was the ghosts!  The ghosts were trying to cook Scooby-Bo.  It was definitely the ghosts. I just scared them off.

(Michellma and Harfne enter)

Michellma: What is that captivating aroma?

Shaggy Joe: The ghosts were, like, totally trying to cook Scoob!

Harfne: Oh, they like to cook.  If we could just get them free chef training, problem solved.

Michellma: But wait.  That makes no sense.  Muslims consider dogs unclean.  They would never eat a dog.  Something’s fishy.

Shaggy Joe: Yeah, and why would a ghost eat anyway.  It would just go right through them.  (giggles) Get it Scooob?  It would go right through them.

Scooby-Bo (giggles): Reah.

Barack: Um.  Uh.  Of course it was the ghosts. It’s just like Fatal Attraction and the rabbit. Trying to scare us by boiling our pet.

Michellma: Maybe…

Barack: But seeing Scooby all lathered up like that gives me an idea.  Come on, everybody! To the laundry room!

Michellma: The laundry room?

(they head to the laundry room and watch Barack assemble his trap)

Shaggy Joe: I’ve seen goofy traps before but this is the goofiest!

Scooby-Bo: Rah.  Roofy.

Shaggy Joe (whispers to Scoob): Yeah.  Roofies!  Like those ones we slipped Bernardine? (giggles)

Scooby-Bo: (giggles) Scooby-booby-bo!

Shaggy Joe (whispering): Shaggy super-duper sandwich!

Barack: Not goofy, Shaggy. Simple! We use a fan, soapsuds, a spring-loaded ironing board and a washing machine. When the ghosts come through the door, we’ll take them to the cleaners. Now let’s see how it works.  Ready, Scooby?

Scooby-Bo: Ready!

Barack: Fan on! Look! It works!  Harf, Michellma and I will lure the ghosts through the door! When I yell ”Now,” switch on the fan.

Shaggy Joe: Right! I’m all set too!

(there is ghostly ululating as the ghosts approach)

Barack: Here they come now!

Scooby-Bo: Now?

Barack: Oh, no! Scooby turned it on too soon!

Shaggy Joe: And, like, in reverse yet!

Michellma: A flying washing machine! Shaggy and Scooby are riding it!

Harfne: Duck! They went out the door! Look out! They’re running toward the woods.

Shaggy Joe: I can’t steer this crazy machine! We’ll take the shortcut. Hang on! (crash into the ghosts) Got them! Looks like these ghosts are all washed up!

Barack: Let’s see who we have here (unmasks ghosts of Bin Laden and Yasser Arafat)

All: John Boehner and Bibi Netanyahu!

Michellma: Jinkies!

Shaggy Joe: Zoinks!

Barack: I suspected as much all along.  All the ghost terrorists were Muslim.  Only a Zionist would exclude the likes of Richard the Lionheart, Harry S. Truman and countless Popes and from the list of terrorist ghosts.

Michellma: But why did they do it?

Harfne: That’s easy.  Like usual, the Israelis wanted to break up the peace talks and blame it on muslim terrorism.

Barack: And they wanted to give Islam a bad name.  It was all a plot to get us to do their dirty work for them and attack all those peaceful bastions of Islam like ISIS and Hamas and Hezbollah.

Bibi: And we would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for you rotten libs…

Reporter: Sir?

Barack: I believe that both sides in that conflict are equally to blame, but one side is more to blame than the other.

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Keith Ellison Announces His Plan for DREAM Act II

Thursday, February 19, 2015 11:50 am

(AP) – Frustrated with the Texas federal judge’s injunction against President Obama’s executive action regarding undocumented Americans, Representative Keith Ellison has devised a new plan for dealing with these newly disenfranchised, nearly-documented citizens. At a press conference this morning, Representative Ellison had the following to say about his plan:

“The solution really struck me when I saw Anjem Choudary discussing his views on MSNBC. Did you know that the full implementation of Sharia includes free housing, food, clothing and, yes, even free health care for all? Under Sharia, these things are not just a policy choice but an obligation under Allah’s law. I thought, wow, this sounds just like the American dream. This sounds exactly like what the undocumented Americans came to this country looking for. But where can they get such a thing? Sharia can only be fully implemented under a caliphate, and there is only place where a caliphate currently exists: ISIS. Rather than giving these undocumented Americans a one-way ticket back to Mexico, let’s give them a one-way ticket to Syria. They are already accustomed to dodging bullets in the desert and the beheading of people by drug cartels, so it will be just like home with benefits. They don’t even have to convert to Islam, just submit to ISIS and pay a small jizya submission tax. ISIS wants recruits to share Sharia. We have people waiting unfortunately in limbo yearning for the American dream offered by Sharia. It’s a win-win, really.”

Rand Paul had this to say about Ellison’s approach: “Normally, I would be opposed to government spending on positive externalities, but in this case, I don’t think the plan goes far enough. Since ISIS appears to be a progressive paradise, I’d be willing to pay to send all progressives there so they can live their dream.  They hate America, they love freedom fighters, and they love taxes, so the jizya might actually be something they enjoy. On top of that, their words and actions and policy recommendations indicate that most of them have de facto submitted to the muslim religion already, so what are they waiting for? I’d even be willing to foot the bill to issue them all brand new US passports they can burn when they get to their new home.”

Representative Steve King, however, was troubled by Ellison’s proposal. He had this to say: “I still think it is more economically feasible to grant fast track citizenship to undocumented conquistadors and let them sort it out.”

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Life with ISIS – Ad Men the End at Last

Tuesday, February 17, 2015 9:45 am

(still somewhere secret in the desert)

Corporate Advertising Imam: And now it is time for the last entry in the contest.  Ali’s commercial.  Let’s just start that one rolling now.

(screen shows family at the dinner table conversing happily)

Voice Over: Now you can own a piece of history, commemorating the day the world changed forever.  Be one of the first to own this special set of commemorative plates: Historic Mockery.

(shot pans over a set of plates, but the images on the plates are blurred out)

Voice Over: Each entry to the Historic Mockery collection is crafted of fine porcelain and richly accented with 24 carat gold trim.  Each plate in the collection comes with a certificate of authenticity and a display stand for any curio or display case, or you can proudly hang them on any wall.  The issue for each plate has been strictly limited to just 65 firing days, and after that each die will be destroyed forever.

All (ululating and firing their weapons into the air and chanting): Fire! Die! Destroy! Fire! Die! Destroy!

Corporate Advertising Imam (pausing video): Please, please.  Settle down. Ali put a lot of work into this, so let’s be polite and hold off on celebrating until the end.

Corporate EHS Imam: And what did I tell you about your safeties?

(All moan and engage their safeties)

Voice Over: The Historic Mockery collection, destined to become a precious and treasured family heirloom, depicts each and every one of the Charlie Hebdo Mohammad cartoons in full color and crystal clarity, so you can laugh at the prophet again and again.

All (raging): Death to all who insult the prophet!  Stone them!

Corporate Advertising Imam: No.  No stoning!

Corporate EHS Imam: Don’t waste your breath.  They’re gonna stone it.  But watch this.

All (stone the movie screen. The screen just ripples and the stones bounce off)

Corporate EHS Imam: I’m using a projector and an old style movie screen. The screen is pretty much stone proof.  I wish I’d thought of this months ago.

Galid: The plates of blasphemy!  They are not breaking!  Our stones, they just bounce off!  What deviltry is this?  Ali, maker of this blasphemy, surely you have some explaining to do?  Are you really a Jew?

Habib: Stone Ali!  Stone Ali!  Stone Ali:

Ahmed: Death to all who mock the prophet!

All: Stone Ali!  Stone Ali!  Death to the Jew!

Ali: No, no, no, let me explain, Allah willing.  The plates, they are blurred.  They are blurred.

Galid: But they are still blasphemous images of the prophet.  Blurred or not!

Ali: No.  No. The plates do not show the prophet.  Why would I make such a plate?  No. They are my Obama collection of plates.  I just blurred them for the commercial.  They are not Mohammad.  There is no Mohammad on the plates.

Galid: But even blurred I can make some of it out. Surely, that one is Mohammad wielding the mighty scimeter of Allah in Medina.

Ali: No.  That is not a scimeter.  It’s a golf club.

Ahmed: But that one there is clearly the prophet prostrating himself before the feet of the angel Gabriel.

Ali: Nope.  Obama bowing before King Abdullah.  They are all Obama.  Not Mohammad.  Obama.  See.  That one is Obama receiving the Nobel Peace Prize.  And that one is him obfuscating over fast and furious.  And that one obfuscating over Obamacare.  And that one obfuscating over the IRS audits.  And that one obfuscating over Benghazi.  And that one obfuscating over spying on his own subjects.  And that one obfuscating over Solyndra…

Habib: It is amazing.  Blur Obama just a little bit, and I cannot tell him from Mohammad.

Ahmed: Seriously.  By Allah’s beard, I swear I am looking at Mohammad.  That looks exactly like the image of Mohammad I keep in my head.

Galid: What!  You keep an image of Mohammad in your head!  Idolater!  Blasphemer!  Stone Ahmed’s head!

Ahmed: No, no, no.  It was just a figure of speech.  There is no image.  No image.  I would never.

Galid: I spit upon your figure of speech!  I spit upon the image of Mohammad!

Habib: What!  You spit upon the image of Mohammad?  Blasphemy!

Galid: But is not the image of Mohammad blasphemous? Should it not be spit upon?

Habib: But is it not still the prophet?

Galid: I am so confused.  Upon what do I spit to express my disdain for this blasphemy? Look at me.  I drool with righteous indignation.  Where do I spit?

Ahmed: We are getting off of the path.  It is Ali who was selling the plates insulting the prophet.  Spit upon him.

Ali: No.  It was not Mohammad.

Galid: Maybe not yet.  But what about when someone ordered the plates?  Surely you would have to make the plates of blasphemy before you could deliver them. Were you planning on ripping off the customer?  Did you not think they would ask for a refund?  What kind of scheme is this?

Ali: That’s the point.  Think about it.  Does Allah not wish us to lie to the infidel?  Who but an enemy of Allah would buy such a fine collection of commemorative plates?

Ahmed: Ah. I see.  You are a genius, my friend.  You will be taking of their money but not shipping them the plates of blasphemy.

Ali: Oh no.  Even better.  Instead of boxing up the plates to ship to them, we will be putting into the box a suicide bomber.  When they open up the box so they can mock the prophet of Allah, boom!  Surprise!  These crazy infidels will be paying us to put a hit on them.  Minus $5.95 shipping and handling, it is all profit for us.

Ahmed: Oh, and minus the cost of the bomb.

Ali: Well, yes of course.  That too.

Galid: And the cost of the life of the suicide bomber.

All (laughing):

Ahmed: The cost of the suicide bomber!  You slay me!  To think of human life having a cost!

Galid: But I am confused.  Could we not just put a bomb in the box instead of shipping an entire suicide bomber?  Just the cost of shipping alone….

Ali: Oh Galid.  Would you deny the virgins of paradise their martyr?  Surely your childlike innocence brings tears of mirth to the eyes of Allah.

Kareem (limps weakly toward the group.  He is wearing a red shirt that is covered as well with blood): Help us.  You must help us.

Ahmed: Kareem!  What has happened?  Who has attacked you?

Kareem (speaking weakly): I do not know, Allah curse them.  We were holding the memorial for Said. We were all wearing the Washed-in-the-Blood-of-the-Infidel red shirts in memory of his death by bloated goat.  Then the bullets!  They just rained from the sky like a rain of bullets!  It was a bath of blood.  I fear most of us were slain.

Galid: It is the witchcraft of the Jews!

Corporate EHS Imam: No, it was not the witchcraft of the Jews.  Do you all remember how I told you how unsafe it was to fire your guns into the air?  Do you?  This is why.  Everyone, head over there and see who you can save.

(all mount and ride away)

Corporate EHS Imam (to the Corporate Advertising Imam): That is like three seasons of red shirts in one shot.  You see why we need those recruitment ads?

Corporate Advertising Imam: Well, that contest was a bust.  We can’t use any of the ones they submitted.  Even with the free spots MSNBC and CNN promised us, we are gonna need to get an outside firm to produce the ad.  We have no other option.

Corporate EHS Imam: We don’t have the money for that.

Corporate Advertising Imam: Unless……

Corporate EHS Imam:  Oh, I know what you are thinking.  No, no, no, no…..

Corporate Advertising Imam: You just got those two grants from the Obama administration.

Corporate EHS Imam: That is exactly what I was saying no to.

Corporate Advertising Imam: The one grant to study the effects of global jihad on global warming.

Corporate EHS Imam: No, no, no, no, no…..

Corporate Advertising Imam: And the other to study the effects of nuking Israel on global warming. Come on, we can dip into that.  US tax dollars can be spent better than on your environmental research.  Let’s put it to good use.

Corporate EHS Imam: Then what happens when they come looking for results?

Corporate Advertising Imam: Seriously?  This is climate science.  Just make up some numbers that support catastrophic warming, and no one will even review your work. I bet we could get Michael Mann to work up some more hockey sticks for free.

Corporate EHS Imam: I don’t know.

Corporate Advertising Imam (sing song): Oh, come on.  It’s for jihad. The silly Americans will always give you more money if you say it is for global warming research.  They don’t even know how to turn that spigot off.

Corporate EHS Imam: Ok, fine.  You win.  But I get a cameo in the ad.

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The Secret Life of Barack Obama Valentine’s Day Edition – Fifty Shades of Grey

Friday, February 13, 2015 2:45 pm

Reporter: What would you say to those people who have called into question your moral equivalency of ISIS and the Crusades? Sir? Sir?

Obama (stares vacantly into space)

Michelle (clad in leather, blindfolded and tied to the bed): Barack? I’m waiting. Don’t make me wait.

Obama (wearing a leather hood and slapping a riding crop against his hand): I’m gonna beat you like a Muslim bride.

Michelle (squirms and pouts)

Obama: What? Did that offend you?

Michelle (pout deepens): I was hoping for the Spanish Inquisition.

Obama: So cliché. Absolutely everyone expects the Spanish Inquisition.

Michelle: That’s not what I heard. Come on. Treat me like a heretic.

Obama: More like a witch.

Michelle: Now that was just hurtful. Don’t make me cast a spell on you.

Obama: Pretending to be a Christian? I just can’t do that anymore.

Michelle: Come on. Not even for me?

Obama: Not even here. Not even now.

Michelle (pouts and purrs): Please. I’ll confess to anything. Congress with the devil. And the black sabbats.

Obama: No, I won’t do it. I can’t. That’s just taking things too far. I mean, all religions are equally untrue, uh, I mean dangerous, uh, I mean, invalid, uh, I mean valid. I guess, what I am saying is they are all equal. But the depravity of Christianity? It’s just too much for me to bear. I can’t put on that mask. Not even for you. I mean, they want babies with down syndrome to live. What kind of monsters….

Michelle: Ok, ok. I won’t push. But I don’t want to do Muslim today. Oh, unless… I know. You’re Dick Cheney. I’m Khalid Sheik Mohammad. I know where the bomb is. Make me talk. Make me squeal. What would you do to me?

Obama (reaching down to untie Michelle)

Michelle: Wait. What are you doing?

Obama: Releasing you from GITMO.

Michelle (looks at him quizzically)

Obama: You are taking things too far. I can’t do what you are asking. I can’t be Dick. I won’t be Dick.

Michelle: Why?

Obama: Because Khalid has a point, alright! Is that what you wanted to hear? America has been the big bully on the block for long enough. I’ve spent six years trying to change that. And even alone here with you, I cannot pretend to like America. Not until I can transform it. Not until America is finally an America we can be proud of.

Michelle: I’m proud of you. But tell me. Would you really have let Khalid go?

Obama: How could I not? Would I waterboard Paul Revere or Thomas Jefferson? Is Khalid any different? Clinging to his beliefs against the might of the global hegemon? How can I not root for him against our sea of black hats and black deeds?

Michelle: Even if it means the deaths of Americans?

Obama: How can you even ask that? I knew where James Foley was for weeks. And Kayla Mueller. Why do you think I stayed my hand?

Michelle: You tell me.

Obama: I couldn’t figure out a way to rescue them without killing some of the freedom fighters. Are their lives worth any less than the American’s they held hostage? How could I live with that innocent blood upon my heart?

Michelle: So much nuance. Is nothing ever black and white to you?

Obama: I can see nothing but grey, shades and shades of grey. We all stumble and suffer along in a world wrapped in grey.

Reporter: Sir? Sir?

Obama: Um, yes.  Let em be clear.  Lest we get on our high horse, let us remember Christianity is not without its flaws. Burning people alive and not embracing and celebrating homosexuality with open arms are both hateful acts.  Beheading people and refusing to pay for your employee’s birth control and abortions are both unacceptable acts.

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