Archive for the ‘The Usual Stuff’ Category

Halloween at the White House – Concluded

Friday, October 31, 2014 12:45 pm

Neil Degrasse Tyson: Of course it is perfectly safe, Joe. Every component of the mix is FDA approved. It’s like what I tell the kids when I lecture at the junior high schools, trust the government. Bureaucrats know science best. If it is over the counter, use it to your heart’s content. It is 100% safe and effective.

Joe: Well, if you say so. You know science.

Neil Degrasse Tyson: Oh my Darwin, what is that hideous smell?

Barack: It smells like sulfur and burning excrement! Marx be praised! Lucifer? Are you back Lucifer?

Joe: Sorry, that’s just me. Michelle’s treats are really working me over. They taste like foot fungus.

Barack: And you should know. You pretty much live with your feet in your mouth.

Al: That is so vile, Joe. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Don’t you ever think about the environment? You know, methane is a worse greenhouse gas than carbon dioxide.

Joe: You can’t expect me to hold it in forever. Not even you can do that, St. Al.

Al: Oh yeah? Why do you think I walk around like I have a stick up my butt?

Joe: Because you really have a…..Oh, that is so gross.

Al: No sacrifice is too big for mother earth. I use a regulation hockey stick for symbolic reasons, but any stick will do.  Come outside with me. I saw some nice branches out there.

Joe: (runs away) No, no, no, no, no. no!

(the door bell rings)

Barack: (Opens the door to see Ingrid Newkirk of PETA once again nude with the flank steak, prime rib, etc. locations drawn on herself) I see once again you have come as Sandra Fluke’s free birth control.

Ingrid: I’m a cow. Marked for the slaughter.

Joe: (runs out the open door) No, no, no, no, no!

Neil Degrasse Tyson: Joe, come back. You haven’t tried the Coke and Pop Rocks yet. Barry, can you get the secret service to drag him back here?

Al: I’d like that too. (brandishing a large, knobby birch branch)

Barack: (speaking into his walkie talkie) Lenny has slain the rabbit. I repeat, Lenny has slain the rabbit. Apprehend.

Ingrid: (brandishing her buckets of red paint) You speak of rabbitcide? Where is this Lenny? I will blood him!

Barack: No, no, no. That is just code talk. It means Joe has run away again. Michelle, can you come here for a moment? Please show Ingrid to your nice vegetarian hors d’oeuvres.

Ingrid: (Lopes over to the food table, leaps atop it, crawls down its length, sniffing, always sniffing) Oh yes. This will do. This will do. (Grabs handfuls of food, dips them in her red paint and gulps them down)

Joe: (two secret service agents drag him back in): No, no, no, no, no!

Barack: Calm down, Joe. We made Al put the stick away. You are ok. No stick.

Joe: No stick?

Barack: No stick.

Neil Degrasse Tyson: We just want you to eat the Pop Rocks and Coke. You like Pop Rocks and Coke.

Joe: I do. I like Pop Rocks and Coke.

Ingrid (Shrieks. She is squatting on the food table, her lips and teeth a smear of blood, her fingers dripping red): Mister Howdy says you are going to die tonight.

Barack: Lucifer? Is that you Lucifer? Come back. You know I can’t quit you.

Ingrid: No Lucifer. Mister Howdy. Die tonight. All die.

Neil Degrasse Tyson: She’s just high on paint fumes. Ignore her, Joe. Eat it Joe. Do it.

Ingrid: Yes. Eat it, Joe. Mister Howdy wants you to eat it.

Joe: (eats the Pop Rocks and Coke……

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Say, Whatever Happened to the Oil Spill Thingy?

Thursday, October 30, 2014 7:00 pm

While reflecting on Obama’s handling of the Ebola situation, it occurred to me that he doesn’t really need to DO anything, other than stay out of the way of people who know what they’re doing and try not to say anything exceptionally stupid on camera in the meantime.

Which reminded me of a similar situation from 2010: the BP oil spill.

Seems to me the predictions were quite dire about how that would end all life on earth as we know it. Or something.

So I did some light Googling and came across two interesting things.

From 2012:

This Friday, April 20, will mark two years since the explosion aboard the Deepwater Horizon oil rig caused vast quantities of crude oil to flow into the Gulf of Mexico. But despite the size of the spill, “the natural recovery is far greater than what anybody hoped when it happened,” said a professor of biology. “The fears of most people — that there would be a catastrophic collapse of the ecosystem in the Gulf — never materialized.”

And this – from October 2014. Apparently that billion dollars the government stole from BP in the name of “justice”… they’re STILL trying to come up with enough boondoggles and sweetheart deals to squander it on. Few, if any, of which are actually directly related to oil spill recovery. And none of the projects have even started. It’s all STILL in the planning stages.

My conclusion: keep Obama away from TV cameras and other people’s money, and we should be just fine.

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Frank Move Update

Wednesday, October 29, 2014 9:21 pm

Was supposed to leave for Texas this morning, but 18 month old son had a 102 fever, one cat’s foot was broken (long story short, I installed new blinds poorly), and there was still some work left to do in the house. But God-willing, tomorrow morning we leave for Austin. That’s me, SarahK, two small kids, two cats and a dog in a little SUV toting a trailer.

Anyway, one of these days I’ll get to Texas and start my cool new job at Emergent Order. And hopefully stop neglecting this blog so much. Keep us in your prayers.

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Halloween at the White House

Wednesday, October 29, 2014 2:15 pm

Scene: The White House Halloween Party. There is a ring at the door.

Barack opens the door. Al Gore is standing there. A wire with a red rubber ball attached to it is jutting from his forehead, and two wires with blue rubber balls are jutting from the back of his head.

Barack: Oh, that is just precious. Let’s see, balls orbiting an inflated gaseous mass? You’re the solar system, right? You might be a few planets shy, I think, but science never was my forte.

Gore: I am not the solar system. I am the most frightening thing there is. A carbon dioxide molecule. See, a carbon and two oxygens.

Barack: Ooooo, scary. I can feel it getting warmer in here already.

Gore: And I know there are more than three planets. Discounting Pluto, I’m pretty sure there are six, counting the moon.

Neil Degrasse Tyson: (Saunters up wearing khakis, a button down plaid shirt done all the way up to his neck and a cardigan) Hey, great solar system outfit, Al. Very accurate.

Gore: I am not the solar system. I’m CO2.

Neil Degrasse Tyson: I think you are a few balls short.

Gore: No. One carbon ball and two oxygen balls. CO2.

Neil Degrasse Tyson: I wasn’t talking about your costume. Rim shot.

Barack: Good one. I heard Tipper took them in the divorce.

Neil Degrasse Tyson: I heard that too, but, hey, did you hear this one? During the heat of the space race in the 1960s, the US National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ballpoint pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of approximately $1 million US. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth. The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil. True story.

Barack: I’m pretty sure I heard that one on that Cosmos show. But, hey. Nice science nerd outfit.

Neil Degrasse Tyson: I’m not a science nerd. I’m a Christian, so frightening in their ignorance.

Barack: All bitter and clingy like a bad ex.

(doorbell rings)

Barack: (Opens door to see a nude Barney Frank) Good lord, man. Put some clothes on. Are you that drunk already?

Barney: Oh, no, no, no. This is my costume. I’m Adam. And my cute, firm little intern was supposed to come as Steve. Have you seen Stevie? Stevie? Fwanky is hewe now. Stevie? I have some fowbidden fwuit for you to taste. Excuse me, but I must find Stevie. Hey, Al. Nice solar system outfit.

Gore: I’m CO2.

Barney: Whatever, I just wish I had all those balls dangling about my face. That’s what I’m being next year. Stevie! Where are you Stevie?

Neil Degrasse Tyson: That reminds me. Have you heard this one? If you go to a nude beach, you have to be very careful because you can catch crabs just from sunbathing. The beach is the crabs’ natural habitat, and they thrive there. True story. It’s science. My wife caught crabs that way at least three times.

Barack: No kidding.

(doorbell rings)

Barack: (Opens the door to see Debbie Wasserman Schultz dressed in a dog costume) Great bitch outfit!

Al: Or are you supposed to be Hillary?

Debbie: I am not a bitch!

All: (laughing uproariously)

Debbie: OK, maybe I am, but I’m not dressed as a bitch. Can’t you see? I’m Scooby Doo.

Barack: Well, whatever you are, you are making me incredibly hungry. You look absolutely delicious.

Neil Degrasse Tyson: While we are on the topic of food, did you hear this one. If you eat Pop Rocks and then drink a Coke, you will explode. True story. It’s science.

Barack: I’d heard about that, but never knew if it was true.

Neil Degrasse Tyson: Of course it’s true.  It’s easy enough to prove. Just need a test subject….

Barack: Let’s get Joe. Yes Joe. Joe will do it. He’ll do anything. We can tell him it is the new, hip drug craze. Tell him Justin Beiber is doing it.

Neil Degrasse Tyson: And the good thing about those new drug crazes, they are all done using over the counter stuff. Approved by FDA. It’s all perfectly safe. FDA said so. True story. It’s science.

(Suddenly everyone is startled by a hideous retching sound. Looking toward the sound, it is Nancy Pelosi gyrating wildly and vomiting what appears to be pea green soup.)

Barack: Ahhhhh! It’s just like The Exorcist! Look at that hideous, twisted face! She is possessed! Is there a witch doctor in the house? Is there a witch doctor in the house.

Nancy: No, no, I’m not possessed.

Barack: But your face?

Nancy: That’s just my latest Botox injections settling in.

Barack: But the vomit from hell!

Nancy: I just couldn’t keep down Michelle’s ‘healthy’ hors d’oeuvres.

Barack: What even are those things? Saccharin-sprinkled turnip puffs? Parsnip dip with tofu chips?

Nancy: Careful, I’m going to be sick again. (vomits again, and her head spins all the way around and around spewing vomit like a rainbird)

Barack: She is possessed! She is possessed!

Nancy: E plurbus unum. Caveate emptor.

Barack: Is that Latin? What is she saying? Is there a linguist in the house?

Neil Degrasse Tyson: Back away, foolish believers. This is a job for science.

Nancy: (In a deep, evil sounding voice) Science. HAHAHAHAHAHA! Science. What do you know of science? You are no scientist. You are a science reporter.

Neil Degrasse Tyson: Blasphemy!

Al: Don’t listen to it. It is trying to mess with your head.

Nancy: Tell me of your personal research, scientist. Tell me.

Neil Degrasse Tyson: No! I have none. I have none.

Barack: Wait a minute. I recognize that voice. Lucifer? Is that you ?

Nancy: No. we are legion.

Barack: You can’t fool me, Lucy, my boy. You stood me up last week. We had a meeting scheduled.  What’s up, dude?

Al: Lucifer, sir, while you are here, I’d like to talk to you about something very important. All the brimstone and burning and stuff down there in Hell is putting out a lot of greenhouse gases. Have you considered switching to a greener alternative? Here, watch this video and we can talk later. I can sell you some carbon credits if you would prefer.

Nancy: You! What are you? You have no soul! No soul! You are not human! That robotic, soulless freak is way too creepy even for me. I’m out of here. Later dudes. Have the old crone back.

Barack: Wait, wait. We still need to make the deal about retaining control of the Senate.

Nancy: Even my power has its limits. Besides, you sold your soul a long time ago, dude. And sorry about the vomit. But those hors d’oeuvres were vile.

Barack: No, come back. Lucifer come back. He’s gone. All is lost.

Nancy: Where am I?  What happened? Bill better not have roofied me again.

(door bell rings)

Barack: Sasha, can you get that?

Sasha: (Opens door. It’s a group of trick or treaters. Sasha reaches into each child’s bag and removes a handful of candy for herself) You know, at some point you have enough candy. (she closes the door on the shocked children)

Barack: That’s my girl.

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Million Times Forwarded Email

Monday, October 27, 2014 7:00 pm

[High Praise! to Scott's Blog]
_______________

If a Republican doesn’t like guns, he doesn’t buy one.
If a Democrat doesn’t like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.

If a Republican is a vegetarian, he doesn’t eat meat.
If a Democrat is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.

If a Republican is homosexual, he quietly leads his life.
If a Democrat is homosexual, he demands legislated respect.

If a Republican is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation.
If a Democrat is down-and-out, he wonders who is going to take care of him.

If a Republican doesn’t like a talk show host, he switches channels.
A Democrat demands that those they don’t like be shut down.

If a Republican is a non-believer, he doesn’t go to church.
A Democrat non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced.

If a Republican decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it.
If a Democrat decides he needs health care, he demands that the rest of us pay for his.

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Terrorists? Attacking Canada? Unpossible!

Thursday, October 23, 2014 4:15 pm

Since we all know that terrorism is about US foreign policy and nothing else, the attacks in Canada are quite baffling.  What could be the explanation?  I’m pretty sure the real reason is some combination of these:

  • To artificially inflate maple syrup prices. The Prime Minister and Big Maple are ultimately behind it.
  • If I hear someone say ‘aboot’ one more time, I might snap too.
  • The mullets made them do it.
  • The border between Canada and the US was so porous it appeared invisible, and the terrorists thought they were in America.
  • Canadian beards don’t give off that ‘insane and fanatical’ vibe they jihadiss are looking for.
  • ‘Hoser’ means something very different in Arabic.
  • The Lumberjack Song violated the Quran.
  • The South Park Movie finally made it to Syria, and the terrorists thought it was a documentary.
  • Due to an autocorrect error, ISIS ended up texting all its members to read The Protocols of the Elders of Ottawa.
  • They got mad when they took their daughters down to the government health clinic only to find that female genital mutilation wasn’t covered in Canada.
  • Due to a typographical error, an e-mail sent to all ISIS cells called for death to the Yews.
  • They were too scared to come to America to attack due to the way the Obama administration has bungled that whole ebola thing.
  • Despite Canada’s liberal marriage laws, the jihadis were still forbidden from wedding their goats.
  • They meant to target America, but their maps were as medieval as their world view.
  • It was righteous vengeance for the unholy thrashing the Canadians meted out to the Turkish hockey team.
  • It was just recompense for Canada’s interference during the Iran Hostage Crisis.
  • It was just recompense for Celine Dion and Sarah Maclachlan.
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Obligatory Halloween Exorcist-Related Post

Wednesday, October 22, 2014 11:15 am

There is an affliction going around. Maybe you have seen it in your friends or acquaintances. It usually manifests itself by a vacuous, glassy look in the eyes, an obsession with Rachel Maddow or John Stewart and a tendency to say things so stupid only an intellectual could believe them. They seem to think they are part of an elite class that knows best how each of us should live our lives, and they would like to regulate away the individual’s freedom to choose. This affliction has a name, my friends, and that name is demonic possession. We now know that this affliction is caused by possession by an evil spirit known as a Demoncrat. Fortunately, there is a cure.

Should you suspect a friend or loved one is suffering from this affliction, we, for a slight fee, would be willing to perform the ritual taxorcism to banish the Demoncrat spirit. The ritual requires the following components:

1) The Federalist Papers, The Constitution, The Wealth of Nations and the Holy Bible, any of which is enough to make a liberal spirit weep and wail and gnash its teeth;

2 ) An American flag lapel pin, equally repellent to the liberal spirit;

3) Holy water prepared from unbottled, unfiltered, municipal tap water;

4) Crude oil scraped from either an otter or a pelican. It must not be contaminated at any point by hippy;

5) Ropes made from anything other than hemp or any other recyclable material;

6) Bedding made only from the skins and pelts of cute, furry mammals;

7) Food items from any establishment that has been the victim of a PETA protest;

8) Copious amounts of bacon and veal;

9) Artificial vegetables made wholly from animal by products from extinct or endangered animals. The use of extinct animals (particularly those hunted to extinction), though difficult to acquire, is particularly powerful, though endangered ones will suffice;

10) An assault rifle, preferably a banned one;

11 ) Tanks of compressed carbon dioxide;

12) Podcasts of Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Greg Gutfeld, Ace of Spades  and Glenn Beck;

13) A number of portraits of Ronald Reagan;

14) A large jar of jelly beans as a suitable offering;

15) Industrial strength carpet and fabric stain remover; and

16) Lots and lots of wet wipes.

While we unequivocally recommend that you leave this ritual in the hands of our expert taxorcists, if you disregard this warning and attempt the ritual yourself, please note the following:

1) Please ensure the subject is securely bound on the bed. Once the ritual begins, they will try to contort their body and reinsert their head into their butt as a protective measure. If they succeed, an extraction must be performed and the ritual must be reinitiated.

2) Please pay no heed to the vile utterances that will spew from the mouth of the subject. Remember, it is the inner Demoncrat speaking. No matter how often it calls you a racist, homophobic, gun-clinging, religion-clinging, flyover, redneck ignoramous, stick to your guns. No matter how often they beg for socialized medicine, do not succumb.

3) At some point the subject will projectile vomit. Don’t worry. That is normal and natural. It is the body’s way of purging the vegan spirit. Whenever this happens, replenish and nourish them with any of the non-PETA approved foods.

4) If the subject’s head begins to turn around, that is also normal. It will need to turn at least a full 180° before the spinal column is once again properly aligned and logical thinking can resume.

5) At no point must you ever let the podcasts stop playing.

6) Lastly, if things seem to get out of hand, sprinkle the subject with the holy water, attach the flag pin to their lapel and begin a litany of “The Power of Reagan Compels Thee.”

Should things get entirely out of hand, for a mere $2,499.99, our expert taxorcists will be happy to take care of the problem for you. Simply contact us at:

Lactose the Intolerant

The van under the overpass down by the river

Farmington, ME

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Ebola Czar’s Top 10 Tips

Wednesday, October 22, 2014 11:00 am

New video from Crowder.

Wash your hands.

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Things That Make Me Think of Obama

Friday, October 17, 2014 10:00 pm

Thing 1:

The TomTom Golfer is a smartwatch designed to help you maximize your time on the green. It’s preloaded with the layout of 34,000 golf courses, with wireless updates on the way. It can also track the score, time and distance per round.

Thing 2:


[Tiny Husky Puppy Can't Get Out Of Tiny Bowl] (Viewer #63,533)

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How Obama is Secretly Battling Ebola

Tuesday, October 14, 2014 1:15 pm
  • To contain the outbreak, he is secretly transporting all ebola patients to Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas…..
  • Consulting with Dustin Hoffman and Morgan Freeman, but not Rene Russo
  • Decreeing America an Ebola-Free Zone
  • Lots of healing crystals and homeopathic solutions
  • Reorganizing all affected communities
  • By executive order, Obamacare now covers Airborne®
  • Blaming Bush
  • Reassuring Americans that the ebola virus is not viral, and that 99% of global viruses do not align themselves with the goals and methods of ebola
  • Judiciously updating his anti-viral software
  • Developing a vaccine from his own superior white blood cells
  • Telling the IRS that ebola is a member of the Tea Party
  • Scolding the virus for its history of afflicting a disproportionate number of black people
  • Instituting an affirmative action and bussing program for the virus granting its carriers access to more affluent white countries, states and neighborhoods
  • Adding the virus to the Endangered Species List
  • Smacking Chris Brown upside the head for spilling the beans about the population control program
  • Reminding Americans that ebola is a poor, repressed, misunderstood virus that only hates us becuase of our foreign policy
  • Sending Joe to Africa with a dust mask, some chains and lots of confiscated and expired Robitussin
  • Cowering in his bunker with a bubble and a year’s supply of vitamin C

(Full disclosure of his efforts will be revealed after the November elections)

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Should We Celebrate Columbus Day?

Tuesday, October 14, 2014 11:13 am

I’m a day late (since I took Columbus Day off), but Steven Crowder has up at his new site a column on Columbus Day. Should we not celebrate Columbus Day because Columbus slaughtered lots of people? What if those people he slaughtered also slaughtered people? Do two slaughters make a right?

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Remember Bali

Sunday, October 12, 2014 7:00 am

10-12-02

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Representative Keith Ellison Applauds California Consent Rule

Thursday, October 9, 2014 7:04 pm

At a press conference this morning, Representative Ellison was asked his opinion on the California legislation that required an ‘affirmative, conscious and voluntary agreement before engaging in sexual activity’ on California college campuses. Representative Ellison had this to say:

“I think the ‘yes means yes’ rule, or the ‘si means si’ rule as it is more commonly known by California residents and the colleges’ custodial staffs, is a wonderful idea that is bringing the state one step closer to the ideal of Sharia Law. While it is a good idea, I think we need to take it further if we want to protect women from date rape and men from false accusations of date rape. In this, the wisdom of Sharia is clear. As we all know, according to the Quran, a woman’s testimony is only worth ¼ that of a man’s. In a he said/she said situation, the woman cannot be believed. Consequently, the affirmative consent should be witnessed by either a second man or four additional women, and since it is within the right of the participants to withdraw consent at any time throughout the encounter, it would behoove the witnesses to remain present and observant throughout. While the witnesses have to be there anyway, they might as well each voice affirmative consent, witnessed in turn by all present, and join in; however, in that case it would be wise to videotape the proceedings, preferably with an Apple product connected to the Cloud to keep it secure. Since Sharia is silent regarding the number of video recorders required, I would recommend a minimum of three placed strategically to record the entire encounter thus ensuring the safety and continued consent of all involved. Afterwards, following a considered review of the witness statements, the video recordings and marital status of those involved, stoning of the women may commence as necessary.”

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Now Is Not the Time to Turn This Country Around

Thursday, October 2, 2014 11:04 am

I have a new column up at PJ Media about the 2014 elections.

Now, I want to note that I don’t mean this analogy to be disrespectful to President Obama. But I think most historians will back me when I say his presidency is the equivalent of a dumb child running into tables.

Read. Enjoy. Share.

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Most Talked About Food on Twitter – By State

Thursday, September 25, 2014 7:00 pm

[High Praise! to Neatorama]

Possibly the only state-related fun fact that I’ve never discussed, so here’s the map for you Nukers to bicker over the accuracy of:

And no, I don’t know what “durian” is either. Sound like an ingredient in synthetic motor oil.

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This Is Pretty Much Why I Blog

Monday, September 22, 2014 10:00 pm

[High Praise! to SciFiWright via Neatorama]
_______________

I write for that one reader I will never see, the one who needs just such a tale as I can pen, in just such a time and place, some rainy afternoon or dark hour, when providence will bring my book into his hands. And he will open it, and it will not be a book, but a casement, from which he will glimpse the needed vision his soul requires of a world larger than our own, or a star in a heaven wider and higher than ours, a star aflame with magic more majestic than any star mortal astronomers can name.

I humbly but strongly suggest you write for that unknown reader also, and not for worldly praise, or influence, or pelf, or applause. The world flatters popular authors, and the clamor of the multitude of brazen tongues is vanity. It is dust on the wind. The unknown reader will greet your work with love. It is a crown of adamant, solid and enduring.

You will never meet that one reader, not in this life. In heaven he will come to you and fall on his face and anoint your feet with tears of gratitude, and you will stand astonished and humbled, having never suspected.
_______________

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Neil DeGrasse Tyson: A Made-Up Poem

Monday, September 22, 2014 7:00 am

[High Praise! to Oppo]

Neil deGrasse Tyson
Wrestled a bison
And as “Mike” scored a T.K.O.
Invented ricin,
Sold a vacuum to Dyson,
Double-dated with Manti Te’o.

[reference link]

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Spanking vs. Abuse

Friday, September 19, 2014 11:00 am

In his new video, Steven Crowder looks at spanking versus actual abuse:

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I Concur

Thursday, September 18, 2014 7:00 pm

[High Praise! to Hope n' Change Cartoons]

“We’re actually glad that the president is committing 3000 troops to the fight against ebola – we’re just surprised that he was able to do it without lecturing us about the many cultural and scientific contributions ebola made to helping us land a man on the moon.”

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The Truth Behind Science

Tuesday, September 16, 2014 11:00 am

I have a new short story up at Liberty Island called “Science Fiction” about the insidious truth behind science.

It kinda seems like I’m trying to make a point in the story, but I honestly can’t tell you what it is. Anyway: Read. Share. Enjoy.

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