Maddow: We have an exciting program for you today. In our usual hard-hitting style, we’ve brought in two guests to hash out the Israel-Palestine issue once and for all. Get the truth out to you from both sides of the conflict. To speak for the Israeli’s we have actor Alan Cummings. He’s not a Jew, but he plays one on TV.
Cummings: Well, actually, I am a Jew.
Maddow: You mean, like, in the sense that everyone in Hollywood is kind of an honorary Jew?
Cummings: No, I’m actually Jewish.
Maddow: Really? I can’t believe that.
Cummings: Yep, really a Jew.
Maddow: No, no, no. Don’t be so hard on yourself.
Maddow: And to speak for the Palestinians, we have muslim cleric, Anjem Choudary. Welcome Anjem.
Anjem: Glad to be here. And just to make it clear to the viewers at home, I am not a Jew either.
Cummings: But I am a Jew.
Anjem: Come, now. It was funny the first time, but enough is enough. No more jokes. No one would admit to being a cursed, bloodthirsty Jew on live television.
Cummings: Unbelievable! Wait a minute. That isn’t Anjem Choudary. It’s Jimmy Carter wearing a fake beard and a funny hat.
Anjem: Jimmy? Who is this Jimmy you speak of?
Cummings: Is that a Mickey Mouse cap with the ears torn off? It is. And it even has Jimmy stitched on the back.
Anjem: Mickey? Who is this Mickey you speak of? Sounds infidelish to me.
Maddow: Don’t try and cloud the issue, Alan. We aren’t here to discuss fashion, and he does have a point. But let’s ignore that issue for now and just agree to disagree about Mr. Cummings’ Jewishness. But first, Anjem. I understand that much of the problem between Hamas in the Gaza Strip and Israel stems from the fact that Hamas refuses to even recognize Israel at all. What would you have to say to that?
Anjem: The charge is absurd on its face. Of course we all recognize Israel. It is easy. The horns and forked tongue are a dead giveaway.
Cummings: Oi vey! Must I sit here and listen to this? I thought we were supposed to have a mature discussion about the conflict.
Anjem: You say you are a Jew. Prove it to me. Stick out your tongue. Stick out your tongue to me. Let me see your tongue.
Cummings: I am not sticking out my tongue.
Anjem (sticking out tongue): See. I am willing to stick out my tongue. Why are you so afraid to stick out yours?
Cummings: This is ridiculous!
Maddow: I agree. I agree. This is a scurrilous charge, calling you a Jew again.
Cummings: But I am a Jew. You are getting it right from the horse’s mouth. I am a Jew.
Maddow: If you would just stick out your tongue and prove it to us. Or let me feel under your hair.
Cummings: No, I am not doing that. Those charges don’t even warrant a response.
Anjem: Ah, his reticence gives him away. Mayhap he is a Jew after all.
Cummings: I already told you I am a Jew. I didn’t come here to be mocked. The viewers can believe the horse’s mouth or the horse’s ass over there. Either way, I’ve had enough. If you will just excuse me…
Maddow: Wait, wait, wait. Don’t go. I’ll let you have a turn now. You’ve often spoken out and criticized the way that Hamas is engaging against Israel. What are your specific beefs about Hamas?
Cummings: Well, aside from the fact that Hamas doesn’t seem to want peace at all, I think the way they wage war is deplorable. Their militants dress like civilians and attack from under the cover of civilians, using women and children and even babies as human shields.
Anjem (laughing): Do you even hear yourself? How absurd you sound. Babies as shields? Who would use a baby as a shield? A baby cannot stop a bullet. It would go right through. Babies are terrible shields. Might as well use body armor made of marshmallows.
Cummings: Gad, I can’t believe…
Maddow: Let me break in if I may. I have heard this charge before. Are you saying Hamas would never use babies as shields? Are there no instances when baby shields would be viable?
Anjem: Well, certainly not in the context he is speaking of. Not with modern weapons. In a knife fight, maybe. Yeah, I can see that. A baby can stop a dagger thrust or two, and one can hurl the mewling infant into the face of the enemy of Allah, his light be upon us, to blind one’s opponent. But we hardly ever engage Jews in knife fights any more. Our experience has been with babies, and toddlers particularly, they are much more effective as bombs than shields. This charge that we use babies as shields is just baseless.
Cummings: My gosh. Do you two even know what a human shield is? Hamas keeps its weapons in hospitals and mosques and schools, knowing that Israel will be hesitant to destroy them because they are surrounded by civilians. The civilians are a human shield. That’s what a human shield is. Your terrorists surround themselves with civilians and hide among civilians and shoot their rockets into Israel.
Anjem: Rockets, rockets, rockets. Israel is always complaining about rockets falling from the sky. When a rocket falls, they assume it was Hamas. Such prejudice. Have they proof of this? No.
Cummings: When Qassam rockets are fired into Israel from Gaza, it doesn’t take the greatest intelligence in the world to figure out who fired them.
Anjem: See, see. That is the prejudice of which I speak. Anything bad happens in Israel, it if the fault of Hamas. When the hard rains fall down upon them, is it the fault of Hamas? When the sun sends it scorching rays upon them, is it the fault of Hamas? We cannot fix the sun and the sky for them, though we wish we could. Our ladders do not suffice. We cannot reach them, though Allah knows we try.
Cummings: I can’t believe you are trying to create an equivalency between rain falling from the sky and rockets falling from the sky.
Maddow: Now, he does have a point. There have been documented cases where frogs and fish and other things have fallen from the sky, usually whisked up by strong winds. Hurricanes have sent vipers raining down upon the suburbs in America. How do we know these rockets falling on Israel are any different than these?
Cummings: Seriously? You are seriously suggesting it is possible that rocket attacks are natural weather phenomenon?
Maddow: All things are possible with Allah.
Anjem: I am but a humble messenger of the prophet not a meteorologist. But for Israel, I will forecast partly cloudy skies with a 45% chance of rocket showers.
Maddow: I’ve always wondered if the rockets were really fired from Gaza. I’d never considered the possibility of weather phenomena before. Could the winds really be lifting up Israel’s own rockets and dropping them back down on them? Is Israel missing any rockets? Could this whole conflict be ended if Israel tied their rockets down better?
Anjem: It is my firm belief that the mighty winds of Allah are hurling Israel’s own rockets at Israel. The punishments of Allah are fierce and swift. Like it says in Sura 18: the punishments of Allah are fierce and swift. But enough of the rockets. We only wait for the day when the gale winds lift the nuclear bomb from Iran’s grasp and drop it upon Israel like Dorothy’s house was dropped upon the wicked witch, Allah be praised. But until then, we should be speaking of the war crimes Israel is committing against the people of Gaza.
Cummings: Oh, war crimes like providing them with food and medical treatment and water and electricity.
Maddow: Don’t make me turn off your mic, Alan. I’ll do it.
Anjem: The horrible war crime of sending women soldiers in to fight us.
Maddow: Are you morally opposed to fighting women then?
Anjem: Oh absolutely not. But they send these sexy IDF soldiers over looking so hot in their uniforms. No burkas at all. They are stroking their long, slender guns, and their camos are hugging their luscious lady lumps, so reminiscent of the two voluptuous humps on the back of my camel, only less furry. It is like dangling meat before a hungry dog. Civilians and militants are killing each other just to get a better glimpse of the unholy hotties. The devastation is worse than explosives. And then they blame us for the lust driven frenzy.
Maddow (squirming in her seat): I know the very thought of them is driving me crazy right now.
Cummings: Now that is just plain stupid.
Anjem: Oh, no. They know what they are doing. They are doing this on purpose. Why else would they be sending the weaker sex into battle? If you cannot trust their testimony in court, how could you trust them with a gun? Do they even know which way to point it? It is absurd to think that they are real soldiers. I mean, come on. Women fighting against our trained mujahedeen?
Cummings: Woman soldiers? Really? That is not the issue at all. Let’s talk about the terror tunnels. If Hamas wants peace so badly, why are they wasting all this time and all these resources building tunnels under the border to sneak terrorists into Israel?
Anjem: Have you ever tried the Rafah Crossing during rush hour? Of course we need a better way into Israel, Allah willing.
Cummings: You really expect us to believe that Hamas made all those tunnels because of bad traffic?
Anjem: Oh no, Allah forbid. Hamas did not build those tunnels. We only built bomb shelters to protect the innocent Palestinians from Israel’s atrocities. Israel then made the tunnels from their side and connected them to our bomb shelters.
Maddow: I’d never heard that before. I guess western media never gets these things right seeing as the Jews control us and all. That actually makes a lot of sense. I can imagine Israel seething over the thought of some Palestinians being protected from their air strikes and drones. This way they can send the IDF right into your bomb shelters. Brilliant! No one is safe from Israel’s assault that way.
Anjem: I just give Allah the praise that Hamas realized that Israel had desecrated our shelters with their tunnels. They really do want to exterminate us. They just need a pretext to kill civilians, so they make up any one they think the gullible west will believe.
Maddow: Clearly. It’s deplorable. If that guy over there were really a Jew, I’d give you a bag of rocks and turn off the cameras for a few minutes. Swift Palestinian justice.
Cummings: I have never heard anything so absurd in my life. Hamas, not Israel, built those tunnels. And they built them so they could sneak terrorists into the civilian areas of Israel. They used them to kill two soldiers and kidnap Galid Shalit.
Anjem: Enough of these accusations. This is only one more example of Israel blaming Hamas for everything that happens. Shalit defected. The other soldiers tried to stop him.
Cummings: That is insane. He did not defect. We have video and photos of him in Hamas captivity. Hamas admitted holding him.
Anjem: Lies. Israeli actors. All staged and made by the Jew-controlled Hollywood. Those charges you make are as blasphemous, Allah curse them, as they are unfounded. Why would Hamas do such a thing?
Cummings: Oh, I don’t know. Maybe for the same reasons they have terrorists make attacks from hospitals and use ambulances to transport their terrorists about.
Anjem: Well, of course we like to have our people hang out around hospitals and ride in ambulances. Israel is trying to kill them. They need to be as close to the hospital as they can be. It is self-preservation. If they had to wait for an ambulance to show up, they would never survive. Would that all Palestinians had an ambulance to ride in, Allah smile upon them.
Maddow: Especially given the gridlock on the Rafah Crossing.
Cummings: I can’t believe what I am hearing. This is just plain silly.
Anjem: Believe it. Israel is waging a war to exterminate the Palestinians and wipe Gaza off the map. It is clear to all whom Allah has given eyes to see. We have proof that they have used the terror tunnels they built to smuggle in aphrodisiac chewing gum and gave it to Palestinian school children to make them all promiscuous. They have sent trained sharks into our waters to kill our people. They have been lacing our vaccinations with infertility drugs to sterilize our people. They have been sending us melons infected with AIDS and many other insidious things, and I really believe they are going to use the terror tunnels to kidnap Palestinian children to use as sacrifice in their unholy Passover rituals.
Maddow: Those are some serious charges. I’ll give you the last word, Alan.
Cummings (speaking and gesturing, but there is no audio)
Maddow: I guess his silence says it all. I think we can all agree that the best solution is to just get rid of Israel. But that is all the time we have for this now. After the break, we will continue our discussions with Anjem, and he will explain to us how Obamacare is supported not only by the Bible but by the Quran.
Anjem: There are some very interesting Suras about that, especially justifying how appropriate it was to lie in order to get it to pass.
Maddow: See you after the break. (speaking to her producer): And you are sure we can put in the horns and forked tongue during editing? Glowing eyes too? Really? Great! Wait. Is this mic still live?