Archive for the ‘The Usual Stuff’ Category

Life With Isis – Open Enrollment

Wednesday, March 4, 2015 11:00 am

(somewhere secret in the desert)

Corporate HR Imam: Welcome everybody to our first open enrollment fair. Now that Baghdadi has announced the caliphate, we will be able to fully implement Sharia which means many new and exciting benefits will be coming your way this year. You may be wondering why we had Bring Your Daughter to Work Day the same day we are having the open enrollment fair. Don’t worry. You’ll have plenty of time this afternoon to share the rough and tumble workday of the ISIS mujahideen with your daughters. But we wanted your daughters here today so they can enjoy the new benefits immediately. As you are all aware, under Allah’s law, healthcare is not a privilege but a right. May I please direct all your daughters to the Healthcare Tent to my right so they can get their free vaccinations and genital mutilations?

Ahmed: Wait a minute. Did I just hear you right? You want to vaccinate my daughter?

Galid: I am confused. I thought that vaccinations were a fiendish plot by the Jews to give us the autism.

Corporate HR Imam: Claims that vaccines cause autism have been thoroughly debunked. You have nothing to fear.

Galid: Ah, but is that not what the Jews would want us to think?

Ahmed: Was not Jonas Salk a Jew? You expect me to believe that a Jew would cure polio and invent vaccines out of the goodness of his black heart? Surely Allah laughs at such a thing.

Ali: Death to vaccines!

All ululating and shooting into the air

Galid: Death to autism!

Ahmed: Death to free preventative medicine!

Ali: Death to declining infant mortality rates!

Habib: Death to AIDS!

Corporate HR Imam: Calm down, everyone. Calm down. I can guarantee you that the vaccines are safe.  I’ll be getting them myself.

Galid: I am confused.  Do you expect me to believe that such great minds as Charlie Sheen and Jenny McCarthy could be mistaken?  Allah forfend.  How could this be?

Ahmed: Yes. I do not want my daughter to catch the autism.

Galid: Yes. Yes.  My daughter is already too smart. We have kept her out of school, but it does no good. If she got the autism and could then do the counting better than me and beat me every time at the blackjack, the shame would be too great.  I would have to honor kill her, Allah forbid.

Corporate HR Imam: Let’s think about this logically for a minute. Why would the Jews want to give any of us autism? What good would that do?

Ahmed: Have you ever tried to brainwash a child with autism?

Ali: Yes. It does no good. They just stare off into space and hit the ground with a stick. I cannot even get them to ululate.  If all our young recruits had the autism….

Galid: Maybe if there were casinos of the Great Satan around here, we could use the autisms for fundraising, but then Allah forbids us from gambling. I am so confused.

Ahmed: But it is not gambling, my friend, if it is a sure thing.

Corporate HR Imam: Why do I get the feeling that everything you know about autism you learned from watching Rainman? You probably are not aware that we already have some mujahideen with autism, and their skills are very valuable to our cause. Rainmomar? Are you here? Please come forward Rainmomar.

Rainmomar: 50,217 mujahideen. 50,000…50,217.

Corporate HR Imam: Rainmomar has been very helpful to our cause.

Rainmomar: 5,356,125,342 infidels left to behead. 5,356,125,342 infidels.

Corporate HR Imam: He handles all our numbers for us.

Rainmomar: 13 bullets.  13 bullets in your magazine.  13.

Ali: Ah.  See!  He is wrong.  My magazine holds 30 bullets.

Corporate HR Imam: But did you not just shoot many into the air?

Ali: Oh yeah. Wow.  He is right.  I only have 13 left.

Corporate HR Imam: He is great for our logistics and planning.  And you wouldn’t believe how much time he saves us during our annual inventory accounting.

Rainmomar: 106,660 beheadings per mujahideen. 100,000…..106,660 beheadings.

Corporate HR Imam: See?  He’s better than an abacus. If we can meet our stretch goals for massive destruction and recruiting, we hope to get that beheading ratio cut in half by the end of Q4. Thank you, Rainmomar. You may sit down.

Rainmomar (mumbling): 12 minutes to drone attack. 12. 12 minutes.

Corporate HR Imam: What was that? No bother. Lets’ get back on track and talk about the exciting new benefit package under full Sharia.

(To be continued, maybe, if I feel like it)

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8 Frank Rules For How Not to Tweet

Tuesday, March 3, 2015 2:12 pm

Because I love you all (in a extremely distant father sort of way), I’m now giving writing advice on PJ Media. This week, I’m telling you what not to do when Tweeting.

Enjoy!

BTW, did I mention I have a novel out?

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Iran: Who’s Your Daddy? Obama: You’re My Daddy.

Tuesday, March 3, 2015 9:45 am

According to my man in State, the arms deal with Iran is going swimmingly.  Here is some of the diplomatic give and take Obama will be making to sweeten the deal:

  • A new PBS kids show: Mr. Ahmedinejad’s neighborhood
  • Iran will officially blame Bush for their nuclear program
  • Out of the radioactive ashes, Barack will be given Obamastan
  • The Ayatollah gets to keep Kerry as his personal eunuch
  • Free birth certificates and social security numbers for any Iranian who can get across the border
  • Obama gets to declare the Middle East a nuclear weapon free zone, so Israel must give up their weapons
  • The only droning allowed by Americans will be Barack’s speeches
  • Iran will allow US sponsored Job Fairs into Tehran
  • Obama has agreed to return America to its pre-1492 borders
  • Hillary will be confined to a burka now and forevermore
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Little Help Please

Friday, February 27, 2015 10:30 am

As you may or may not recall, I wrote a childrens’ novel last summer and submitted it to a literary agent. It’s a short grade school novel I’d place in the light fantasy/horror genre, and I wove some Christian themes into it. After being on the fence about it for six months, the agent finally decided not to represent me. While he said it was highly enjoyable, he didn’t feel deeply enough connected to the writing to represent it. I’d like to see if I can improve it before I send it to the next agent so it hopefully won’t get stuck on the fence again. Basically, I’m looking for some more test readers to provide me with some additional feedback. Being aimed at a grade school audience, it’s not long. Each of my kids made it through in a single sitting between dinner and bedtime.

If I had to describe the book in a single sentence, this would be it: A particularly naughty little girl discovers she can travel to a dream world where anything is possible but finds something lurking there that is even naughtier than she, a nameless, ageless fiend that wishes to consume her and all those she holds dear.

If anyone would be willing to lend me a hand by reading it over and brutalizing it up a bit, I’d appreciate it. Or if you have grade school kids who could read it over and let me know if they find any parts dumb and/or boring, that works too. Just drop me a note in the comments if you’d be willing help, and I can whisk you a copy.

Thank you.

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By Their Fruits Ye Shall Know Them

Thursday, February 26, 2015 9:00 pm

[High Praise! to Hot Air]

Obama is finger-wagging about how Muslims are apples and jihadis are oranges and who knows how these oranges keep ending up in the apple bin.

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In 1000 Years, What Will Your Tax Bill Look Like?

Thursday, February 26, 2015 1:55 pm

At PJ Media, I take a look at what government will possibly look like in the future.

Now, anyone who knows how to use a calculator does not predict a great future for the U.S. government, but I’m not talking about specific governments here (like whether a thousand years from now there will still inexplicably be a Canada). I’m talking about the nature of government in general and how that might evolve.

Oh, and I also get to talk about my novel, Superego, in the discussion. Look how that worked out.

So what do you think the future of government is?

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Off Topic

Wednesday, February 25, 2015 10:00 pm

So… whenever I hear anything about State Department Spokesweasel Marie Harf, am I the only one who starts thinking about a whiny Thundercats sidekick?

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Alien Gear Cloak Tuck 2.0 IWB Holster

Wednesday, February 25, 2015 11:00 am

So Alien Gear asked if I would like to try one of their holsters, and I said, “Yes. Yes please I would.” I’ve actually been meaning to try out an IWB holster for my 1911, so I got Alien Gear’s Cloak Tuck 2.0 IWB holster.

Gun not included.

Gun not included.

With my size, I might be pushing it trying to conceal a full-size 1911 (but I like it so much!), but I really liked the holster. It’s hard plastic that protects the gun, but it’s a nice soft material on the part that goes up against the body. And clips worked great at keeping the holster in place. It really was surprisingly comfortable. And I could kinda pull it off with an untucked shirt or jacket.

So cool holster and I recommend it. You can see here what guns it’s available for.

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The Secret Life of Barack Obama – Superego

Tuesday, February 24, 2015 9:45 am

Reporter: Many on the right have made it a point to go as far as to accuse you out right of being a narcissist. Would you care to respond? Sir? Sir?

Barack (stares off vacantly)

Barack’s inner voice: When you get right down to it, my story is an inspirational one. Given my origins, it’s surprising I’m able to function in society at all. I was created rather than born through a combination of genetic modification and fetal surgery. I don’t think even my creators really knew what they were intending to make or what they eventually created. At least they weren’t able to provide me any satisfactory answers when I quizzed them about it later in their underground Kenyan laboratories. Of course, the fact that they no longer possessed their tongues kept their answers rather on the unintelligible side. I guess I didn’t really think that approach through all the way. Or, deep down, I didn’t really care about their answers. I know who I am, so what do their dead intentions matter? I’m faster, stronger, smarter, hipper. I’m the only human being in existence who can really multitask, really and truly focus on more than one thing at a time. When one tampers with the brain, however, the law of unintended consequences inevitably produces consequences of the unintended variety. Hence, the name of the law. The unintended consequence number one: I have no morals. No matter how many times I may try and make the utterance, I can’t feel your pain any more than that failed prototype Bill Clinton could.

Such lack of empathy and morals, however, made it pretty easy for me to decide which booths at the Jobs Fair to frequent: hit man or politician. At first, hit man seemed sexier. The universe is filled with multicolored blood balloons that make all sorts of interesting sounds when you squeeze them properly, eventually bursting to reveal whether you correctly guessed the color of their blood. It was fun while it lasted, but I just kept feeling there must be some way I could wreak greater destruction. What kind of legacy am I leaving myself? Will history even remember me? A couple thousand deaths in the universe would be hardly noticeable. I needed to ramp those numbers up to feed the other unintended consequence: textbook narcissism. I needed to be worshipped. I needed to be remembered. So I turned to occupation two.

Politics was easy for me, it turned out. Being able to lie out of both sides of my mouth at the same time gave me an overwhelming advantage. And it turns out it’s true what they say. The pen is mightier than the sword.  Did I mention I can wield two pens at once? With one hand, I can approve the new and onerous pharmaceutical regulations that will add years to the timeline to approve new drugs and treatment. Millions will suffer and languish and die waiting for FDA approvals. With the other hand, I can ban the production of GMO foods, sentencing millions, especially children, to slow death by starvation. Yes, given that I am a genetically modified organism myself, I am aware of the irony. Maybe my lizard brain instinctively feels that eating GMO foods is cannibalism, but I doubt it. Of course, I can also cause dreadful carnage by not wielding the pens.  By doing nothing, I can create a global power vacuum ready to be filled by all sorts of nasties.  I can ignore Boko Haram and ISIS until they get really hard to unseat.  Wielded or not, pens are dangerous in my two hands.

“Joe,” I said. “Did you know that Allah is racist because he created sickle cell anemia?”

Joe is my artificial intelligence. I’ve been lying to him for years. I thought by feeding him sundry false and contradictory information, like ‘if you like your healthcare plan, you can keep your healthcare plan’ or ‘the economy is a zero-sum game’ or blaming everything on racism, it would help to make him more intelligent as he had to work out these little dilemmas on his own. He’s a blithering idiot. I sure guessed wrong on that one. I didn’t make the American people any smarter either when I subjected them to the same experiment.  They voted for me twice, after all.

“What do you make of that, Joe?” I asked.

Joe just shivered, no longer even trying to remove his feet from his mouth.  Joe gave up answering me long ago.

Reporter: Sir? What do you make of that sir?

Barack: I refuse to even get down into that mud with them.

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If You Needed More Convincing

Monday, February 23, 2015 11:00 am

I did an author video about me and my novel Superego. I even start it with a Troy McClure.

Also, Moe Lane named Superego “Book of the Week.”

Hope everyone is enjoying my novel. It’s quite a new thing for me, and it’s just exciting that anyone likes it.

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Secret Life of Barack Obama – Scooby Doo

Monday, February 23, 2015 9:45 am

Reporter: How would you respond to the allegations in David Axelrod’s book that you were never a friend to Israel?  Sir?  Sir?

Barack (staring vacantly into space)

(Barack, Harfne, Michellma, Shaggy Joe and Scooby-Bo are packed in the Mary Jane Machine driving along a spooky dirt road at night. There is a creepy castle visible in the distance)

Barack: Wow.  So that is Terror Castle.

Shaggy Joe: They sure picked a creepy enough place to hold a Palestine/Israel peace conference.

Michellma: And a creepy enough night too!

Scooby-Bo: Reah.

(The Mary Jane Machine shuts itself down and rolls to a halt)

Scooby-Bo: Ruh roh!

Michellma: Jinkies!  Why did we stop?

Barack: We must have hit the ten mile limit on the electric Chevy Volt Van. We better get out and see if we can find somewhere to charge her up.

(They pile out of the van)

Shaggy Joe: While we’re at it, we need to find somewhere to charge me up too? I’m so starving even my munchies have the munchies.

Scooby-Bo: Rah.  Re too.

(There was the sound of a muffled explosion masked by a ghostly ululating howl)

Shaggy Joe: Zoinks!  What was that?

Michellma: Quick.  Look at the van!  The batteries spontaneously combusted!

(Smoke and flames are licking up from under the hood of the Mary Jane Machine)

Barack: We better hoof it and find some help.

Harfne: We could head straight to the creepy looking castle.  It doesn’t look too far away if we cut through the forest.

A voice from the shadows: I wouldn’t do that if I were you.

(Two shapes approach, becoming more brightly lit as they approach the flaming Volt)

All: Bill Ayers and Bernardine Dohrn!

Barack: What are you doing here?

Ayers: We could ask you the same question.

Barack: We’re here for the peace conference.  Don’t you recognize me?  I’m the President.  The President of your fan club, I mean.  I love what you did with the Weathermen.  Here.  See.  It’s my official membership card.

Shaggy Joe (puts hands on Bernardine’s shoulders and bends toward her ear)

Michellma: Shaggy. Shaggy.  Stop that this instant.  Get your paws off of her and stop sniffing her hair.  I swear sometimes you are worse than Scooby.

Shaggy Joe: But she smells so good.  Like a smoky roasted Scooby Snack.

Michellma: That’s not her you’re smelling. (points to Scooby-Bo roasting Scooby Snacks on sticks over the flaming Volt)

Shaggy Joe: Save some for me!

Scooby-Bo: Ro ray! (jams the sticks down his throat and pulls them out sans Scooby Snacks) Rericious! (giggles)

Ayers: Did I hear you right?  Were you thinking about walking through Gaza Forest to Terror Castle in the middle of the night?

Shaggy Joe: Terror castle!  Zoinks!  (leaps into Bernardine’s arms)  Hold me!

Michellma: How many times do we have to go over this? Keep your wandering hands to yourself, Shaggy Joe.

Bernardine: Oh, it’s alright.  No harm done.  No worse than the drum circles at Occupy Wallstreet rallies.

Barack: So what’s so bad about Terror Castle?

Ayers: Folks say the woods and the castle are haunted by terrorist ghosts.

Shaggy Joe (stops sniffing Bernardine’s butt and looks up): Haunted?  Yikes! With a name like Terror Castle, no wonder.  It’s probably, like, the KOA for spooks of terror past, right Scoob?

Scooby-Bo: Right.

Ayers: Why don’t you stay with us in our cabin in the woods and we can get you to the peace conference in the morning?

Shaggy Joe: Does that cabin include a fully loaded pantry?  I’m famished!

Scooby-Bo: Reah.  Ramished!

Shaggy Joe (whispers to Scooby): Careful Scoob.  Stay close to me.  I think Barack is hungry too.  He’s licking his lips and giving you that drooly look again.

Scooby-Bo: Ruh roh.

Michellma: I’ve got some nice turnip chips.

(All gag and retch)

Bernardine: No thanks.  We’ve got plenty of real food for you to eat before you hit the sack.

Shaggy Joe (puts his hands on Bernardine’s shoulders and whispers into her ear): How about we hit the lunch sack.  I can make you the old Shaggy super sandwich.  Just imagine you stuffed between me and Scoob…

Harfne: Cool your heels, Shag. This is your last warning.

Bernardine: Oh, he isn’t hurting me none.  He’s much less terrifying than what we usually see in the Gaza forest.

Michellma: I’ve always wondered.  Why do ghosts terrorize people anyway?

Harfne: There must be lots of poverty and unemployment in the afterlife.  If we could just get these ghosts some jobs.

Shaggy Joe: Yeah, like they could be booticians.

Scooby-Bo (giggles)

Shaggy Joe: Or they can work at the ghostery store.

Scooby-Bo (giggles harder)

Shaggy Joe: They can run the scary-go-round or the rollerghoster or other dead end jobs.

Scooby-Bo (giggles harder)

Booming Voice: That mock will be your last.  Behead those who insult us! (ululating howl)

(all look toward the voice to see a green, glowing ghost floating in the air)

Michellma: Jinkies!  It’s the ghost of Osama bin Laden!

Harfne: Mr. ghost, sir.  Have you tried looking into Saudi Arabia’s exceptional job training program?

Shaggy Joe: Look out!  He’s got a bomb!

Barack: Shut up Harf, and run!

Ayers: Quick!  Follow us to the cabin!

Ghost Ladin: You can never escape me!

(They run to the cabin with the ghost in hot pursuit.  The door to the cabin is blocked by another glowing, green ghost)

Barack: Oh no!  The ghost of Yasser Arafat!

Ghost Arafat (uluating eerily): You will never survive the night! (He throws a bomb at the gang)

(Scooby catches the bomb.  He and Shaggy frantically toss it back and forth to each other)

Ayers: In the outhouse!  Quick!  Throw it in the outhouse!

Scooby-Bo (rushes toward the outhouse, kicks open the door and tosses down the bomb.  It explodes, coating Scooby in sewage)

Barack: Whew, that was close.

Shaggy Joe: You, like, totally need a bath now, Scoob.  You smell worse than me.

Scooby-Bo (moans sadly)

Shaggy Joe: Don’t worry.  I’ll fix you a Shaggy super-sandwich while you clean up.  You in, Bernardine?

Cut Scene

(Scooby settles into a huge metal tub filled with sudsy water)

Scooby-Bo (closes eyes and relaxes)

(gloved hands silently place wood around the tub and light the fire. Then the gloved hands sprinkle salt and pepper gently into the tub around Scooby-Bo)

Shaggy Joe (enters the room): Boy oh boy!  Something smells delicious in here!

Barack (startled, drops the salt and pepper shakers on the ground): Uh, um.  Let me be perfectly clear.  It was the ghosts!  The ghosts were trying to cook Scooby-Bo.  It was definitely the ghosts. I just scared them off.

(Michellma and Harfne enter)

Michellma: What is that captivating aroma?

Shaggy Joe: The ghosts were, like, totally trying to cook Scoob!

Harfne: Oh, they like to cook.  If we could just get them free chef training, problem solved.

Michellma: But wait.  That makes no sense.  Muslims consider dogs unclean.  They would never eat a dog.  Something’s fishy.

Shaggy Joe: Yeah, and why would a ghost eat anyway.  It would just go right through them.  (giggles) Get it Scooob?  It would go right through them.

Scooby-Bo (giggles): Reah.

Barack: Um.  Uh.  Of course it was the ghosts. It’s just like Fatal Attraction and the rabbit. Trying to scare us by boiling our pet.

Michellma: Maybe…

Barack: But seeing Scooby all lathered up like that gives me an idea.  Come on, everybody! To the laundry room!

Michellma: The laundry room?

(they head to the laundry room and watch Barack assemble his trap)

Shaggy Joe: I’ve seen goofy traps before but this is the goofiest!

Scooby-Bo: Rah.  Roofy.

Shaggy Joe (whispers to Scoob): Yeah.  Roofies!  Like those ones we slipped Bernardine? (giggles)

Scooby-Bo: (giggles) Scooby-booby-bo!

Shaggy Joe (whispering): Shaggy super-duper sandwich!

Barack: Not goofy, Shaggy. Simple! We use a fan, soapsuds, a spring-loaded ironing board and a washing machine. When the ghosts come through the door, we’ll take them to the cleaners. Now let’s see how it works.  Ready, Scooby?

Scooby-Bo: Ready!

Barack: Fan on! Look! It works!  Harf, Michellma and I will lure the ghosts through the door! When I yell ”Now,” switch on the fan.

Shaggy Joe: Right! I’m all set too!

(there is ghostly ululating as the ghosts approach)

Barack: Here they come now!

Scooby-Bo: Now?

Barack: Oh, no! Scooby turned it on too soon!

Shaggy Joe: And, like, in reverse yet!

Michellma: A flying washing machine! Shaggy and Scooby are riding it!

Harfne: Duck! They went out the door! Look out! They’re running toward the woods.

Shaggy Joe: I can’t steer this crazy machine! We’ll take the shortcut. Hang on! (crash into the ghosts) Got them! Looks like these ghosts are all washed up!

Barack: Let’s see who we have here (unmasks ghosts of Bin Laden and Yasser Arafat)

All: John Boehner and Bibi Netanyahu!

Michellma: Jinkies!

Shaggy Joe: Zoinks!

Barack: I suspected as much all along.  All the ghost terrorists were Muslim.  Only a Zionist would exclude the likes of Richard the Lionheart, Harry S. Truman and countless Popes and from the list of terrorist ghosts.

Michellma: But why did they do it?

Harfne: That’s easy.  Like usual, the Israelis wanted to break up the peace talks and blame it on muslim terrorism.

Barack: And they wanted to give Islam a bad name.  It was all a plot to get us to do their dirty work for them and attack all those peaceful bastions of Islam like ISIS and Hamas and Hezbollah.

Bibi: And we would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for you rotten libs…

Reporter: Sir?

Barack: I believe that both sides in that conflict are equally to blame, but one side is more to blame than the other.

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Rejected Superego Taglines

Friday, February 20, 2015 11:00 am

Did a lot of brainstorming on the tagline for Superego. The one we used actually came from my editor, Adam Bellow.

“Can a genetically engineered psychopath grow a conscience, get the girl, and save the galaxy? Two out of three ain’t bad.”

I think it’s pretty great — thought, arguably, Rico doesn’t accomplish any of those things by the end of the book.

Still, I thought I had some good other ideas for taglines. Here’s some I came up with.

ALTERNATE SUPEREGO TAGLINES

He’s become a hero. He’s fallen in love. For a sociopathic, genetically engineered killer, it’s been a bad day.

He’s a sociopath. He’s a killer. He’s not the worst thing out there.

In a universe of thugs, murderers, and terrorists, he’s one of them.

He was born without a conscience, but does he have a soul?

Born without a conscience. Genetically engineered to be a killer. In other words, he’s got a bit of a social problem.

Rico had a happy, simple life as a sociopathic, genetically engineered, intergalactic hitman, but then something had to mess it up.

All he wants is to go back to his old life of killing for money.

Love. Morality. Companionship. These were the nuisances Rico had avoided. Until now.

Just because he’s a remorseless killing machine doesn’t mean he has to be the bad guy.

He might be a sociopathic, genetically engineered killer, but he’s still trying to grow as a person.

She’s a rogue cop. He’s a psychopathic, interstellar hitman pretending to be a rogue cop. Love’s complicated.

Interstellar hitman. Psychopath. Hero?

Genetically engineered to be a psychopath, why would he choose to be a hero?

Love is complicated. Killing is simple.

He used to be such a content psychopath.

Just because he’s a psychopath doesn’t mean he has to be the bad guy.

Kill the right people, they mistake you for a hero.

Love makes you crazy, but he’s already a psychopath.

Anyway, as always, buy my book. It’s gotten a good sales start and made it into the top 100 science fiction on Amazon, and hopefully I can keep it going. So read it, tell everyone about it, write a review on Amazon, and I’ll keep working on the next novel.

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Keith Ellison Announces His Plan for DREAM Act II

Thursday, February 19, 2015 11:50 am

(AP) – Frustrated with the Texas federal judge’s injunction against President Obama’s executive action regarding undocumented Americans, Representative Keith Ellison has devised a new plan for dealing with these newly disenfranchised, nearly-documented citizens. At a press conference this morning, Representative Ellison had the following to say about his plan:

“The solution really struck me when I saw Anjem Choudary discussing his views on MSNBC. Did you know that the full implementation of Sharia includes free housing, food, clothing and, yes, even free health care for all? Under Sharia, these things are not just a policy choice but an obligation under Allah’s law. I thought, wow, this sounds just like the American dream. This sounds exactly like what the undocumented Americans came to this country looking for. But where can they get such a thing? Sharia can only be fully implemented under a caliphate, and there is only place where a caliphate currently exists: ISIS. Rather than giving these undocumented Americans a one-way ticket back to Mexico, let’s give them a one-way ticket to Syria. They are already accustomed to dodging bullets in the desert and the beheading of people by drug cartels, so it will be just like home with benefits. They don’t even have to convert to Islam, just submit to ISIS and pay a small jizya submission tax. ISIS wants recruits to share Sharia. We have people waiting unfortunately in limbo yearning for the American dream offered by Sharia. It’s a win-win, really.”

Rand Paul had this to say about Ellison’s approach: “Normally, I would be opposed to government spending on positive externalities, but in this case, I don’t think the plan goes far enough. Since ISIS appears to be a progressive paradise, I’d be willing to pay to send all progressives there so they can live their dream.  They hate America, they love freedom fighters, and they love taxes, so the jizya might actually be something they enjoy. On top of that, their words and actions and policy recommendations indicate that most of them have de facto submitted to the muslim religion already, so what are they waiting for? I’d even be willing to foot the bill to issue them all brand new US passports they can burn when they get to their new home.”

Representative Steve King, however, was troubled by Ellison’s proposal. He had this to say: “I still think it is more economically feasible to grant fast track citizenship to undocumented conquistadors and let them sort it out.”

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The Superior Man

Thursday, February 19, 2015 11:00 am

There’s a review of my novel, Superego, at Taki Magazine. So do you think there is an advantage to being a psychopath? Not having to worry about social niceties or guilt? Of course, that’s basically what the story in Superego explores. Actually, a fun subplot in it somewhat related to current events is you get to see a psychopath would deal with terrorists.

Hope everyone is enjoying my novel. Everyone bought it, right? Because it is mandatory to own.

BTW, if you liked it, make sure to write an Amazon review. Everyone who does will be entered in a drawing to win my love and regard.

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Superego FAQ

Wednesday, February 18, 2015 11:00 am

My first novel, Superego, is out! This is a big deal; I wanted to be novelist well before I even started blogging. And this should be the first novel of many more.

Anyway, it’s published by Liberty Island and is available in ebook, of course, but also paperback if you’re a Luddite. There’s and even a very well done audio version by Audible Studios, so “I’m illiterate!” is not an excuse not to experience the great story I wrote.

Anyway, I figured you all would have some questions, so I wrote an FAQ on my novel.

SUPEREGO FAQ

Q. What is Superego about?
A. It’s a heartwarming story about a genetically engineered, psychotic hitman, Rico, who is completely incapable of feeling guilt or remorse for his actions — killing someone means nothing more to him than tying his shoe. On a new job, he accidentally ends up a hero while pretending to be a police officer and then finds himself falling for a female detective. And as things don’t go as planned with the job, Rico begins to reexamine his life. And he has lots of wacky misadventures, as a psychotic hitman is wont to do.

Q. Is it a comedy?
A. It’s not a comedy. Though people say there’s a lot of humor in it. Rico is a fun guy, despite his anti-social nature.

Q. How did you write it?
A. With a keyboard. You hit a letter on it, and then the corresponding letter appears on the computer screen. The internals of it all is a bit more complicated than that. If you’re curious to learn more, look up ASCII characters.

Q. What inspired you to write this?
A. People keep saying science fiction needs to be more inclusive, and I guess I got tired of all the portrayals of the psychotic hitman as a villain.

Q. So what are the themes in this book?
A. Probably the main one is morality. I take a look at morality by constructing a character who has no practical use for it. He feels no guilt for his actions, and because he works for a criminal syndicate larger than most governments, he also usually faces no legal retribution. Some other themes that are explored is there is a little bit on religion, government, the concept of civility, redemption, and what makes someone a human being.

Q. This sounds heavy.
A. It’s not. There’s just a bit of philosophical backdrop to glue together action scenes and all the twists and turns. I have a very short attention span; I’d put myself to sleep if I tried to be preachy. What I want is a book where stuff is constantly happening and the reader is unsure what’s going to happen next.

Q. Does this book pass the Bechdel Test?
A. It’s first person perspective from a male character, but there are a number of named female characters and they do converse with each other. And I think at least part of those conversations aren’t about Rico or another male character, so it might pass. So, yes, it’s a very feminist book.

Q. I want to know what cool stuff is in this book. Are there explosions?
A. Yes.

Q. Gun fights?
A. Yes.

Q. Ninjas?
A. No.

Q. Dual .45s?
A. Yes.

Q. Katanas?
A. No.

Q. What happens if I don’t enjoy this book?
A. Seek a mental health care professional. There is something wrong with you.

Q. Are there plans for a sequel?
A. Yes. I already have a bunch of ideas for a sequel or two, including plenty of new twists.

Q. Are you ever going to blog more?
A. Hey, if you want me to write more, you need to support my paid writing.

Q. I really enjoyed Superego. What should I do now?
A. Tell all your friends about it. And write a review on Amazon and similar sites. If you do that, I will be your best friend.

Q. Will we hang out all the time?
A. I didn’t say I’d be the friend you’d hang out with the most. I said I’d be your best friend. That means if you were to rank your friends by quality, I would be number one. How could I not be?

Q. One last time, why should I buy your novel?
A. It’s a fun, fast-paced action adventure, and it’s written by me. Aren’t you even curious what a whole novel written by me would be like. How could that not be mind-blowing?

If you have any questions not covered here, put them in the comments and I will answer them. Unless there are spoilers. Spoiler are bad. Except on cars. They make cars look like they’re fast.

And buy Superego now!

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Life with ISIS – Ad Men the End at Last

Tuesday, February 17, 2015 9:45 am

(still somewhere secret in the desert)

Corporate Advertising Imam: And now it is time for the last entry in the contest.  Ali’s commercial.  Let’s just start that one rolling now.

(screen shows family at the dinner table conversing happily)

Voice Over: Now you can own a piece of history, commemorating the day the world changed forever.  Be one of the first to own this special set of commemorative plates: Historic Mockery.

(shot pans over a set of plates, but the images on the plates are blurred out)

Voice Over: Each entry to the Historic Mockery collection is crafted of fine porcelain and richly accented with 24 carat gold trim.  Each plate in the collection comes with a certificate of authenticity and a display stand for any curio or display case, or you can proudly hang them on any wall.  The issue for each plate has been strictly limited to just 65 firing days, and after that each die will be destroyed forever.

All (ululating and firing their weapons into the air and chanting): Fire! Die! Destroy! Fire! Die! Destroy!

Corporate Advertising Imam (pausing video): Please, please.  Settle down. Ali put a lot of work into this, so let’s be polite and hold off on celebrating until the end.

Corporate EHS Imam: And what did I tell you about your safeties?

(All moan and engage their safeties)

Voice Over: The Historic Mockery collection, destined to become a precious and treasured family heirloom, depicts each and every one of the Charlie Hebdo Mohammad cartoons in full color and crystal clarity, so you can laugh at the prophet again and again.

All (raging): Death to all who insult the prophet!  Stone them!

Corporate Advertising Imam: No.  No stoning!

Corporate EHS Imam: Don’t waste your breath.  They’re gonna stone it.  But watch this.

All (stone the movie screen. The screen just ripples and the stones bounce off)

Corporate EHS Imam: I’m using a projector and an old style movie screen. The screen is pretty much stone proof.  I wish I’d thought of this months ago.

Galid: The plates of blasphemy!  They are not breaking!  Our stones, they just bounce off!  What deviltry is this?  Ali, maker of this blasphemy, surely you have some explaining to do?  Are you really a Jew?

Habib: Stone Ali!  Stone Ali!  Stone Ali:

Ahmed: Death to all who mock the prophet!

All: Stone Ali!  Stone Ali!  Death to the Jew!

Ali: No, no, no, let me explain, Allah willing.  The plates, they are blurred.  They are blurred.

Galid: But they are still blasphemous images of the prophet.  Blurred or not!

Ali: No.  No. The plates do not show the prophet.  Why would I make such a plate?  No. They are my Obama collection of plates.  I just blurred them for the commercial.  They are not Mohammad.  There is no Mohammad on the plates.

Galid: But even blurred I can make some of it out. Surely, that one is Mohammad wielding the mighty scimeter of Allah in Medina.

Ali: No.  That is not a scimeter.  It’s a golf club.

Ahmed: But that one there is clearly the prophet prostrating himself before the feet of the angel Gabriel.

Ali: Nope.  Obama bowing before King Abdullah.  They are all Obama.  Not Mohammad.  Obama.  See.  That one is Obama receiving the Nobel Peace Prize.  And that one is him obfuscating over fast and furious.  And that one obfuscating over Obamacare.  And that one obfuscating over the IRS audits.  And that one obfuscating over Benghazi.  And that one obfuscating over spying on his own subjects.  And that one obfuscating over Solyndra…

Habib: It is amazing.  Blur Obama just a little bit, and I cannot tell him from Mohammad.

Ahmed: Seriously.  By Allah’s beard, I swear I am looking at Mohammad.  That looks exactly like the image of Mohammad I keep in my head.

Galid: What!  You keep an image of Mohammad in your head!  Idolater!  Blasphemer!  Stone Ahmed’s head!

Ahmed: No, no, no.  It was just a figure of speech.  There is no image.  No image.  I would never.

Galid: I spit upon your figure of speech!  I spit upon the image of Mohammad!

Habib: What!  You spit upon the image of Mohammad?  Blasphemy!

Galid: But is not the image of Mohammad blasphemous? Should it not be spit upon?

Habib: But is it not still the prophet?

Galid: I am so confused.  Upon what do I spit to express my disdain for this blasphemy? Look at me.  I drool with righteous indignation.  Where do I spit?

Ahmed: We are getting off of the path.  It is Ali who was selling the plates insulting the prophet.  Spit upon him.

Ali: No.  It was not Mohammad.

Galid: Maybe not yet.  But what about when someone ordered the plates?  Surely you would have to make the plates of blasphemy before you could deliver them. Were you planning on ripping off the customer?  Did you not think they would ask for a refund?  What kind of scheme is this?

Ali: That’s the point.  Think about it.  Does Allah not wish us to lie to the infidel?  Who but an enemy of Allah would buy such a fine collection of commemorative plates?

Ahmed: Ah. I see.  You are a genius, my friend.  You will be taking of their money but not shipping them the plates of blasphemy.

Ali: Oh no.  Even better.  Instead of boxing up the plates to ship to them, we will be putting into the box a suicide bomber.  When they open up the box so they can mock the prophet of Allah, boom!  Surprise!  These crazy infidels will be paying us to put a hit on them.  Minus $5.95 shipping and handling, it is all profit for us.

Ahmed: Oh, and minus the cost of the bomb.

Ali: Well, yes of course.  That too.

Galid: And the cost of the life of the suicide bomber.

All (laughing):

Ahmed: The cost of the suicide bomber!  You slay me!  To think of human life having a cost!

Galid: But I am confused.  Could we not just put a bomb in the box instead of shipping an entire suicide bomber?  Just the cost of shipping alone….

Ali: Oh Galid.  Would you deny the virgins of paradise their martyr?  Surely your childlike innocence brings tears of mirth to the eyes of Allah.

Kareem (limps weakly toward the group.  He is wearing a red shirt that is covered as well with blood): Help us.  You must help us.

Ahmed: Kareem!  What has happened?  Who has attacked you?

Kareem (speaking weakly): I do not know, Allah curse them.  We were holding the memorial for Said. We were all wearing the Washed-in-the-Blood-of-the-Infidel red shirts in memory of his death by bloated goat.  Then the bullets!  They just rained from the sky like a rain of bullets!  It was a bath of blood.  I fear most of us were slain.

Galid: It is the witchcraft of the Jews!

Corporate EHS Imam: No, it was not the witchcraft of the Jews.  Do you all remember how I told you how unsafe it was to fire your guns into the air?  Do you?  This is why.  Everyone, head over there and see who you can save.

(all mount and ride away)

Corporate EHS Imam (to the Corporate Advertising Imam): That is like three seasons of red shirts in one shot.  You see why we need those recruitment ads?

Corporate Advertising Imam: Well, that contest was a bust.  We can’t use any of the ones they submitted.  Even with the free spots MSNBC and CNN promised us, we are gonna need to get an outside firm to produce the ad.  We have no other option.

Corporate EHS Imam: We don’t have the money for that.

Corporate Advertising Imam: Unless……

Corporate EHS Imam:  Oh, I know what you are thinking.  No, no, no, no…..

Corporate Advertising Imam: You just got those two grants from the Obama administration.

Corporate EHS Imam: That is exactly what I was saying no to.

Corporate Advertising Imam: The one grant to study the effects of global jihad on global warming.

Corporate EHS Imam: No, no, no, no, no…..

Corporate Advertising Imam: And the other to study the effects of nuking Israel on global warming. Come on, we can dip into that.  US tax dollars can be spent better than on your environmental research.  Let’s put it to good use.

Corporate EHS Imam: Then what happens when they come looking for results?

Corporate Advertising Imam: Seriously?  This is climate science.  Just make up some numbers that support catastrophic warming, and no one will even review your work. I bet we could get Michael Mann to work up some more hockey sticks for free.

Corporate EHS Imam: I don’t know.

Corporate Advertising Imam (sing song): Oh, come on.  It’s for jihad. The silly Americans will always give you more money if you say it is for global warming research.  They don’t even know how to turn that spigot off.

Corporate EHS Imam: Ok, fine.  You win.  But I get a cameo in the ad.

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Washington’s Birthday (2015)

Monday, February 16, 2015 9:00 am

George WashingtonEvery year, I do this. And, since 2015 is a year, I’ll do it this year. And today is the day. You know what today is, right?

If you said “Presidents Day,” you need to be beat with a stick. With knots in it so it hurts really bad. And, if the stick breaks, another stick needs to be used. Until we’re all out of sticks. Because you should know by now that it’s not “Presidents Day.”

Today is Washington’s Birthday.

Now, I know, George Washington’s birthday is actually February 22nd. That’s not until Sunday. But, there is a federal holiday called Washington’s Birthday, and it’s to honor George Washington. And the name of that holiday is … Washington’s Birthday.

So, why does everybody call it Presidents Day? Well, not everybody does. I don’t. And, I hope, you don’t either. But there are a lot of folks running around loose that call it Presidents Day. But that doesn’t make it Presidents Day. It’s still Washington’s Birthday.

This day is set aside to honor the first President of the United States, George Washington. He was instrumental in the founding of this nation, and if anyone deserves a holiday, it’s him.

Washington’s Birthday was the fifth national holiday established, after New Year’s Day, Independence Day, Thanksgiving Day, and Christmas Day. It was one of the holidays picked for a Monday observance in 1971 when they started screwing around with federal holidays, and making some fall on a Monday. Along with Washington’s Birthday, the holidays Memorial Day, Labor Day, and Columbus Day were also moved to Mondays. The first four holidays and Veterans Day kept their regular days.

If you want one of “those people” that are always correcting others for things … you know, like I’m doing right now … and you want a link to throw at people, use this link to United States Code 5 U.S.C. 6103.

Why am I like this about Washington’s Birthday? That’s the wrong question. The right question is: why aren’t you?

George Washington has his own day. And Americans need to recognize that. It’s not often the government gets stuff right. This is one of those rare times. Don’t let regular folks screw that up.

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The Secret Life of Barack Obama Valentine’s Day Edition – Fifty Shades of Grey

Friday, February 13, 2015 2:45 pm

Reporter: What would you say to those people who have called into question your moral equivalency of ISIS and the Crusades? Sir? Sir?

Obama (stares vacantly into space)

Michelle (clad in leather, blindfolded and tied to the bed): Barack? I’m waiting. Don’t make me wait.

Obama (wearing a leather hood and slapping a riding crop against his hand): I’m gonna beat you like a Muslim bride.

Michelle (squirms and pouts)

Obama: What? Did that offend you?

Michelle (pout deepens): I was hoping for the Spanish Inquisition.

Obama: So cliché. Absolutely everyone expects the Spanish Inquisition.

Michelle: That’s not what I heard. Come on. Treat me like a heretic.

Obama: More like a witch.

Michelle: Now that was just hurtful. Don’t make me cast a spell on you.

Obama: Pretending to be a Christian? I just can’t do that anymore.

Michelle: Come on. Not even for me?

Obama: Not even here. Not even now.

Michelle (pouts and purrs): Please. I’ll confess to anything. Congress with the devil. And the black sabbats.

Obama: No, I won’t do it. I can’t. That’s just taking things too far. I mean, all religions are equally untrue, uh, I mean dangerous, uh, I mean, invalid, uh, I mean valid. I guess, what I am saying is they are all equal. But the depravity of Christianity? It’s just too much for me to bear. I can’t put on that mask. Not even for you. I mean, they want babies with down syndrome to live. What kind of monsters….

Michelle: Ok, ok. I won’t push. But I don’t want to do Muslim today. Oh, unless… I know. You’re Dick Cheney. I’m Khalid Sheik Mohammad. I know where the bomb is. Make me talk. Make me squeal. What would you do to me?

Obama (reaching down to untie Michelle)

Michelle: Wait. What are you doing?

Obama: Releasing you from GITMO.

Michelle (looks at him quizzically)

Obama: You are taking things too far. I can’t do what you are asking. I can’t be Dick. I won’t be Dick.

Michelle: Why?

Obama: Because Khalid has a point, alright! Is that what you wanted to hear? America has been the big bully on the block for long enough. I’ve spent six years trying to change that. And even alone here with you, I cannot pretend to like America. Not until I can transform it. Not until America is finally an America we can be proud of.

Michelle: I’m proud of you. But tell me. Would you really have let Khalid go?

Obama: How could I not? Would I waterboard Paul Revere or Thomas Jefferson? Is Khalid any different? Clinging to his beliefs against the might of the global hegemon? How can I not root for him against our sea of black hats and black deeds?

Michelle: Even if it means the deaths of Americans?

Obama: How can you even ask that? I knew where James Foley was for weeks. And Kayla Mueller. Why do you think I stayed my hand?

Michelle: You tell me.

Obama: I couldn’t figure out a way to rescue them without killing some of the freedom fighters. Are their lives worth any less than the American’s they held hostage? How could I live with that innocent blood upon my heart?

Michelle: So much nuance. Is nothing ever black and white to you?

Obama: I can see nothing but grey, shades and shades of grey. We all stumble and suffer along in a world wrapped in grey.

Reporter: Sir? Sir?

Obama: Um, yes.  Let em be clear.  Lest we get on our high horse, let us remember Christianity is not without its flaws. Burning people alive and not embracing and celebrating homosexuality with open arms are both hateful acts.  Beheading people and refusing to pay for your employee’s birth control and abortions are both unacceptable acts.

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Life With ISIS – Ad Men Part 3

Friday, February 13, 2015 9:45 am

Corporate Advertising Imam: Let us all excuse the CFI while he goes and tries to mitigate that minor cockup. Without further ado, here is Habib’s entry. Would you like to introduce it, Habib?

Habib: No need. The video will be doing the speaking for itself, praise Allah.

Corporate Advertising Imam: Ok, let’s start it up then.

(Screen shows Habib leading a team of mujahedeen as they ride fiercely across the desert)

Habib: To the village!

Khalid: To the village!

(They ride in to the village square where a cowboy, an indian, a construction worker, a cop, a sailor and a leather-clad motorcyclist are waiting for them)

Habib: It is the people of the village!

Village People (in tandem and lisping): Now those are some macho men. What took you so long, fellas?

Leather-Clad (opens vest to reveal bombs strapped to his chest)

Khalid: Look out! He has a bomb!

Leather-Clad: Yes. A glitter bomb! Take that, sweet cheeks! (activates bomb and the square is showered in glitter. A disco ball drops and the music starts)

Village People (singing and dancing):

Young man, there’s a place you can go

I said, young man, not talkin’ ‘bout Charlie Hebdo

They have everything for you men to enjoy,

You can hang out with all the boys….

It’s fun to stay with the I.S.I.S.

It’s fun to stay with the I.S.I.S.

Sailor: Come on, everybody, join in the fun!

(Habib, Khalid and their mujahedeen enthusiastically dismount, throw off their tunics and join the dancing throng)

All (singing):

Young man, young man, come mow your enemies down

Young man, young man, crush the West to the ground

I.S.I.S….you’ll find it at the I.S.I.S

I.S.I.S….you’ll find it at the I.S.I.S

(Sound of planes overhead. Shot shows paratroopers leaping from the planes above the village)

Habib: Look everybody! It’s raining men!

(Paratroopers land and join the dance party)

All: Yeah!

It’s fun to stay with the I.S.I.S.

It’s fun to stay with the I.S.I.S.

Habib: Brotherhood never felt so right. Come party with us. See dhimmi.org for details.

(Dance party that fades out)

All (silent with jaws dropping)

Ali: Why do I feel the strong urge to stone my eyes?

Corporate Advertising Imam: Well, that was an interesting take.

Habib: Don’t you get it? It’s ironic. I was being cagy. It will lure the enemy to us.

All (silent with jaws still dropping)

Habib: Ah, it was just too meta for you. Your kids will explain it to you.

(to be continued, maybe, if I feel like it)

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Life with ISIS – Ad Men Part 2

Thursday, February 12, 2015 9:45 am

(still somewhere secret in the desert)

Corporate Advertising Imam (wiping the tears from his eyes): That was a very moving bit from Ahmed.  Thank you very much.  Let’s give Ahmed a hand.  That will be tough to beat.  Up next we have Galid’s entry.  Galid, would you please come up and introduce your commercial?

Galid: I am confused.  I did not know I was supposed to say anything.  I have not prepared any words to speak.  In fact, I would rather explode my bomb vest than speak in public, praise be Allah.  I would rather a comely young virgin traipse nude through the desert unstoned than come up to that podium and…

Corporate Advertising Imam: Ok. That’s ok.  You don’t have to come up.  Just stay right there.  What problem is your commercial tackling?  Funding or recruitment?

Galid: I am confused.  I did not realize we were supposed to choose.  I did both.  I did both in one.

Corporate Advertising Imam: That’s perfectly ok. Even better, actually.  (tosses Galid the remote)  Why don’t you do the honors?

Galid (catches remote and frantically pushes buttons): I am so confused.  Allah smite these Jew-cursed remotes!  These symbols? They may as well be Hebrew!  Does square mean play?  Or these two little dash thingies?  Why did I not pay attention in geometry?

Corporate Advertising Imam: Just push the triangle.  The triangle means play.

Galid: The triangle is the one that looks like a circle, right?  I don’t even see a circle.

Habib: I spit upon the remote!

Corporate Advertising Imam: Don’t worry.  I’ll just push the button up here on the DVD player.  Ok.  It’s starting.  Here we go.  Can you toss me back the remote?

Galid (tosses the crushed remains of the remote)

Corporate Advertising Imam (casts annoyed look at Galid)

Galid: It is Habib’s fault.  He spit upon it.

Habib: But you are the one who crushed it beneath your heel like it was the great asp of Satan himself.

Galid: You tricked me.  You spit on it first.  Surely it is your fault.  Are you sure you are not a wily Jew? Oh, shush, shush.  My video!  It is starting!

(screen shows slow motion images of the attack on the WTC)

All (ululating and firing into the air)

Galid: No, no. Quiet!  I cannot hear my advertisement.  This is only the beginning.

Corporate Advertising Imam: Please, let’s be considerate and refrain from celebrating of the ascendency of Allah until the end.

Galid: Start it over.  Start it over. You have to start it over. No one knows what is going on now.

Corporate Advertising Imam (rewinds and starts it over)

(screen shows slow motion images of the attack on the WTC)

Galid’s Voice Over: Life can be confusing.  Are you confused by the idea that fire can melt steel?

(screen shows blurry image of a man’s ear)

Galid’s Voice Over: Are you confused when you go to the cabinet and find your yeast missing?

(screen shows blurry image of man in the distance)

Galid’s Voice Over: Or open your pantry to find all your herbs are bitter?

(screen shows blurry image of the back of the man in the distance)

Galid’s Voice Over: Are you confused to discover that after you apply hand sanitizer you suddenly feel sassy and are drawn inexplicably to antiques?

(screen shows blurry image of a man’s nose)

Galid’s Voice Over: Do the jets flying overhead make your bowels confusingly clench with irritability?

(screen shows blurry image of a man’s lips)

Galid’s Voice Over: Does your tin foil hat no longer keep all those other confusing voices out of your head?

(screen shows blurry image of a man’s eyes)

Galid’s Voice Over: Did you ever visit Auschwitz and muse: bleak and drab, yes, but I kind of like what Adolf has done with the place?  Well, then be confused no more!

(screen shows back of man’s head and then pans around to the front to reveal Netanyahu. His eyes suddenly flare red.  Galid steps in front of the green screen image)

Galid: We’re ISIS.  We don’t just blame the Jews. (cocks rifle)  For information about how to join, email us at dhimmi.org or call at 202-225-1605.  Or if you are not confused enough to fight global jihad just yet but still want to help, you can send donations to:

(address shows on the screen)

CAIR

21700 Northwestern Hwy

Southfield, MI 48075

Galid: We are ISIS!  And we are death to the Jews!  (ululating and firing into the air.  Shot fades)

All (ululating and firing into the air)

Chief Financial Imam: Wait, wait wait.  That is my cellphone number and my home address.  What were you thinking?

Galid: I am confused.  You are the chief finance man.  I thought this would make you happy.  The money goes straight to you.  Cut out the middle of the man. Don’t need to give CAIR its cut.

Corporate Advertising Imam: It’s ok. We can edit that out.  We are the only people who have seen this.

Galid: Except for the 75,000 hits on the Tube of You.

Chief Financial Imam: 75,000!  I can never go home again.  I’m trapped in this hellhole!

Galid: But then it got blocked and taken down, Allah curse the Tube of You.  I’m sure it was that wily Jew-run NSA.

Chief Financial Imam: Oh my Allah! When did you post it?  The feds have probably been tracking me all this time.

Galid: I spit upon those wily Jews.

Ahmed: And I spit upon those Jews with less wile.

Habib: I spit upon them all, from the wile-less to the wile-ful!

Corporate Advertising Imam: It will be ok.  Our lawyers will work it out.

Chief Financial Imam: You don’t understand.  That isn’t the number for my bloody burner. That was my personal phone.  The one I use for legitimate business.  The one I use for our lobbyists.  That phone has Keith Ellison on speed dial.

Corporate Advertising Imam: OMA!

Chief Financial Imam: I’ve got to get to a safe house until I can figure this out!

(to be continued, maybe, if I feel like it)

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