Archive for the ‘The Usual Stuff’ Category

Terrorists? Attacking Canada? Unpossible!

Thursday, October 23, 2014 4:15 pm

Since we all know that terrorism is about US foreign policy and nothing else, the attacks in Canada are quite baffling.  What could be the explanation?  I’m pretty sure the real reason is some combination of these:

  • To artificially inflate maple syrup prices. The Prime Minister and Big Maple are ultimately behind it.
  • If I hear someone say ‘aboot’ one more time, I might snap too.
  • The mullets made them do it.
  • The border between Canada and the US was so porous it appeared invisible, and the terrorists thought they were in America.
  • Canadian beards don’t give off that ‘insane and fanatical’ vibe they jihadiss are looking for.
  • ‘Hoser’ means something very different in Arabic.
  • The Lumberjack Song violated the Quran.
  • The South Park Movie finally made it to Syria, and the terrorists thought it was a documentary.
  • Due to an autocorrect error, ISIS ended up texting all its members to read The Protocols of the Elders of Ottawa.
  • They got mad when they took their daughters down to the government health clinic only to find that female genital mutilation wasn’t covered in Canada.
  • Due to a typographical error, an e-mail sent to all ISIS cells called for death to the Yews.
  • They were too scared to come to America to attack due to the way the Obama administration has bungled that whole ebola thing.
  • Despite Canada’s liberal marriage laws, the jihadis were still forbidden from wedding their goats.
  • They meant to target America, but their maps were as medieval as their world view.
  • It was righteous vengeance for the unholy thrashing the Canadians meted out to the Turkish hockey team.
  • It was just recompense for Canada’s interference during the Iran Hostage Crisis.
  • It was just recompense for Celine Dion and Sarah Maclachlan.
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Obligatory Halloween Exorcist-Related Post

Wednesday, October 22, 2014 11:15 am

There is an affliction going around. Maybe you have seen it in your friends or acquaintances. It usually manifests itself by a vacuous, glassy look in the eyes, an obsession with Rachel Maddow or John Stewart and a tendency to say things so stupid only an intellectual could believe them. They seem to think they are part of an elite class that knows best how each of us should live our lives, and they would like to regulate away the individual’s freedom to choose. This affliction has a name, my friends, and that name is demonic possession. We now know that this affliction is caused by possession by an evil spirit known as a Demoncrat. Fortunately, there is a cure.

Should you suspect a friend or loved one is suffering from this affliction, we, for a slight fee, would be willing to perform the ritual taxorcism to banish the Demoncrat spirit. The ritual requires the following components:

1) The Federalist Papers, The Constitution, The Wealth of Nations and the Holy Bible, any of which is enough to make a liberal spirit weep and wail and gnash its teeth;

2 ) An American flag lapel pin, equally repellent to the liberal spirit;

3) Holy water prepared from unbottled, unfiltered, municipal tap water;

4) Crude oil scraped from either an otter or a pelican. It must not be contaminated at any point by hippy;

5) Ropes made from anything other than hemp or any other recyclable material;

6) Bedding made only from the skins and pelts of cute, furry mammals;

7) Food items from any establishment that has been the victim of a PETA protest;

8) Copious amounts of bacon and veal;

9) Artificial vegetables made wholly from animal by products from extinct or endangered animals. The use of extinct animals (particularly those hunted to extinction), though difficult to acquire, is particularly powerful, though endangered ones will suffice;

10) An assault rifle, preferably a banned one;

11 ) Tanks of compressed carbon dioxide;

12) Podcasts of Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Greg Gutfeld, Ace of Spades  and Glenn Beck;

13) A number of portraits of Ronald Reagan;

14) A large jar of jelly beans as a suitable offering;

15) Industrial strength carpet and fabric stain remover; and

16) Lots and lots of wet wipes.

While we unequivocally recommend that you leave this ritual in the hands of our expert taxorcists, if you disregard this warning and attempt the ritual yourself, please note the following:

1) Please ensure the subject is securely bound on the bed. Once the ritual begins, they will try to contort their body and reinsert their head into their butt as a protective measure. If they succeed, an extraction must be performed and the ritual must be reinitiated.

2) Please pay no heed to the vile utterances that will spew from the mouth of the subject. Remember, it is the inner Demoncrat speaking. No matter how often it calls you a racist, homophobic, gun-clinging, religion-clinging, flyover, redneck ignoramous, stick to your guns. No matter how often they beg for socialized medicine, do not succumb.

3) At some point the subject will projectile vomit. Don’t worry. That is normal and natural. It is the body’s way of purging the vegan spirit. Whenever this happens, replenish and nourish them with any of the non-PETA approved foods.

4) If the subject’s head begins to turn around, that is also normal. It will need to turn at least a full 180° before the spinal column is once again properly aligned and logical thinking can resume.

5) At no point must you ever let the podcasts stop playing.

6) Lastly, if things seem to get out of hand, sprinkle the subject with the holy water, attach the flag pin to their lapel and begin a litany of “The Power of Reagan Compels Thee.”

Should things get entirely out of hand, for a mere $2,499.99, our expert taxorcists will be happy to take care of the problem for you. Simply contact us at:

Lactose the Intolerant

The van under the overpass down by the river

Farmington, ME

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Ebola Czar’s Top 10 Tips

Wednesday, October 22, 2014 11:00 am

New video from Crowder.

Wash your hands.

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Things That Make Me Think of Obama

Friday, October 17, 2014 10:00 pm

Thing 1:

The TomTom Golfer is a smartwatch designed to help you maximize your time on the green. It’s preloaded with the layout of 34,000 golf courses, with wireless updates on the way. It can also track the score, time and distance per round.

Thing 2:


[Tiny Husky Puppy Can't Get Out Of Tiny Bowl] (Viewer #63,533)

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How Obama is Secretly Battling Ebola

Tuesday, October 14, 2014 1:15 pm
  • To contain the outbreak, he is secretly transporting all ebola patients to Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas…..
  • Consulting with Dustin Hoffman and Morgan Freeman, but not Rene Russo
  • Decreeing America an Ebola-Free Zone
  • Lots of healing crystals and homeopathic solutions
  • Reorganizing all affected communities
  • By executive order, Obamacare now covers Airborne®
  • Blaming Bush
  • Reassuring Americans that the ebola virus is not viral, and that 99% of global viruses do not align themselves with the goals and methods of ebola
  • Judiciously updating his anti-viral software
  • Developing a vaccine from his own superior white blood cells
  • Telling the IRS that ebola is a member of the Tea Party
  • Scolding the virus for its history of afflicting a disproportionate number of black people
  • Instituting an affirmative action and bussing program for the virus granting its carriers access to more affluent white countries, states and neighborhoods
  • Adding the virus to the Endangered Species List
  • Smacking Chris Brown upside the head for spilling the beans about the population control program
  • Reminding Americans that ebola is a poor, repressed, misunderstood virus that only hates us becuase of our foreign policy
  • Sending Joe to Africa with a dust mask, some chains and lots of confiscated and expired Robitussin
  • Cowering in his bunker with a bubble and a year’s supply of vitamin C

(Full disclosure of his efforts will be revealed after the November elections)

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Should We Celebrate Columbus Day?

Tuesday, October 14, 2014 11:13 am

I’m a day late (since I took Columbus Day off), but Steven Crowder has up at his new site a column on Columbus Day. Should we not celebrate Columbus Day because Columbus slaughtered lots of people? What if those people he slaughtered also slaughtered people? Do two slaughters make a right?

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Remember Bali

Sunday, October 12, 2014 7:00 am

10-12-02

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Representative Keith Ellison Applauds California Consent Rule

Thursday, October 9, 2014 7:04 pm

At a press conference this morning, Representative Ellison was asked his opinion on the California legislation that required an ‘affirmative, conscious and voluntary agreement before engaging in sexual activity’ on California college campuses. Representative Ellison had this to say:

“I think the ‘yes means yes’ rule, or the ‘si means si’ rule as it is more commonly known by California residents and the colleges’ custodial staffs, is a wonderful idea that is bringing the state one step closer to the ideal of Sharia Law. While it is a good idea, I think we need to take it further if we want to protect women from date rape and men from false accusations of date rape. In this, the wisdom of Sharia is clear. As we all know, according to the Quran, a woman’s testimony is only worth ¼ that of a man’s. In a he said/she said situation, the woman cannot be believed. Consequently, the affirmative consent should be witnessed by either a second man or four additional women, and since it is within the right of the participants to withdraw consent at any time throughout the encounter, it would behoove the witnesses to remain present and observant throughout. While the witnesses have to be there anyway, they might as well each voice affirmative consent, witnessed in turn by all present, and join in; however, in that case it would be wise to videotape the proceedings, preferably with an Apple product connected to the Cloud to keep it secure. Since Sharia is silent regarding the number of video recorders required, I would recommend a minimum of three placed strategically to record the entire encounter thus ensuring the safety and continued consent of all involved. Afterwards, following a considered review of the witness statements, the video recordings and marital status of those involved, stoning of the women may commence as necessary.”

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Now Is Not the Time to Turn This Country Around

Thursday, October 2, 2014 11:04 am

I have a new column up at PJ Media about the 2014 elections.

Now, I want to note that I don’t mean this analogy to be disrespectful to President Obama. But I think most historians will back me when I say his presidency is the equivalent of a dumb child running into tables.

Read. Enjoy. Share.

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Most Talked About Food on Twitter – By State

Thursday, September 25, 2014 7:00 pm

[High Praise! to Neatorama]

Possibly the only state-related fun fact that I’ve never discussed, so here’s the map for you Nukers to bicker over the accuracy of:

And no, I don’t know what “durian” is either. Sound like an ingredient in synthetic motor oil.

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This Is Pretty Much Why I Blog

Monday, September 22, 2014 10:00 pm

[High Praise! to SciFiWright via Neatorama]
_______________

I write for that one reader I will never see, the one who needs just such a tale as I can pen, in just such a time and place, some rainy afternoon or dark hour, when providence will bring my book into his hands. And he will open it, and it will not be a book, but a casement, from which he will glimpse the needed vision his soul requires of a world larger than our own, or a star in a heaven wider and higher than ours, a star aflame with magic more majestic than any star mortal astronomers can name.

I humbly but strongly suggest you write for that unknown reader also, and not for worldly praise, or influence, or pelf, or applause. The world flatters popular authors, and the clamor of the multitude of brazen tongues is vanity. It is dust on the wind. The unknown reader will greet your work with love. It is a crown of adamant, solid and enduring.

You will never meet that one reader, not in this life. In heaven he will come to you and fall on his face and anoint your feet with tears of gratitude, and you will stand astonished and humbled, having never suspected.
_______________

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Neil DeGrasse Tyson: A Made-Up Poem

Monday, September 22, 2014 7:00 am

[High Praise! to Oppo]

Neil deGrasse Tyson
Wrestled a bison
And as “Mike” scored a T.K.O.
Invented ricin,
Sold a vacuum to Dyson,
Double-dated with Manti Te’o.

[reference link]

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Spanking vs. Abuse

Friday, September 19, 2014 11:00 am

In his new video, Steven Crowder looks at spanking versus actual abuse:

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I Concur

Thursday, September 18, 2014 7:00 pm

[High Praise! to Hope n' Change Cartoons]

“We’re actually glad that the president is committing 3000 troops to the fight against ebola – we’re just surprised that he was able to do it without lecturing us about the many cultural and scientific contributions ebola made to helping us land a man on the moon.”

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The Truth Behind Science

Tuesday, September 16, 2014 11:00 am

I have a new short story up at Liberty Island called “Science Fiction” about the insidious truth behind science.

It kinda seems like I’m trying to make a point in the story, but I honestly can’t tell you what it is. Anyway: Read. Share. Enjoy.

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Where Is Moderate Islam?

Monday, September 15, 2014 11:00 am

New Crowder video where he explores exactly what is moderate Islam compared to ISIS:

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Happy Harvey Day!

Sunday, September 14, 2014 6:00 am

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Happy birthday to a great American, our very own Harvey.

He’s been a great friend and influence to many of us, and we do appreciate him. We really do.

I know, you kinda expected me to make jokes about his age or something, but the truth of the matter is, he’s a great fellow. And we wish him well. Besides, it’s not nice to make fun of old people.

Leave your birthday wishes here, if you like. Be nice. Or naughty. Harvey really appreciates naughty.

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Obama Remembers

Thursday, September 11, 2014 5:13 pm

Here are the top ten things Obama is doing to remember the loss our country suffered on 9/11/01.

  • golf
  • golf
  • golf
  • golf
  • golf
  • golf
  • golf
  • golf
  • golf
  • golf
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Remember

Thursday, September 11, 2014 7:00 am

9-11-01

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ISIS Should Have the Left Fuming

Wednesday, September 10, 2014 3:52 pm

I’ve been wondering why my liberal friends aren’t outraged by what ISIS is doing in Iran and Syria. My talk about beheadings and totalitarian leanings don’t seem to sway them at all. Maybe we need to change the spin a bit to get the left upset with this group. Here are some things ISIS is doing that should get liberals outraged:

  • Paying their women 0% of the salary they pay their men
  • Using guns with magazines holding more than 10 rounds
  • Many of their beheaders aren’t officially licensed
  • The rats in their opium processing tents weren’t wearing hairnets
  • Jihadis aren’t provided with healthcare that covers abortions
  • Their soldiers aren’t unionized
  • Their bombs lack the governmentally required safeguards
  • Their camels emit copious amounts of greenhouse gases
  • Their nerve gas was tested on animals
  • Jihadi transports don’t have enough seatbelts
  • The use of lead in their bullets is not environmentally sound
  • Excessive ululating increases atmospheric carbon dioxide
  • The children they kidnap aren’t given sex education courses before being sold to pimps
  • They don’t seem to realize that Obama has changed the world already
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