Link of the Day: Satire – Obama Touts Legacy Of Renaming Wars In Afghanistan And Iraq, Saying He Would Close Gitmo

[High Praise! to DuffelBlog]

Obama touts legacy of renaming wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, saying he would close Gitmo

[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)

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My thoughts on the vote of citizens in the United Kingdom on the referendum regarding whether to remain in the European Union or to leave the European Union

Don’t care.

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The Lady or the Tiger – Solved!

I was discussing the Orlando shooting with Anonymissus, and the hard place it put liberals in. I said “a Muslim – who you can’t say anything bad about – shot up a dance club full of gays – who you can’t say anything bad about. Which one do they choose?”

She responded, “Gun control.”

I love that woman.

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Fighting ISIS for Dummies

Since it is clear to all thinking Americans that no one can defeat ISIS militarily, Obama really has to think outside the box on ways to prevent ISIS from continuing its assault on Americans. My man in State has leaked some of our President’s leading ideas to defeat ISIS:

  • Add a Quran course to the Common Core curriculum
  • Since anything can be used as a weapon with the proper creativity, ban all personal property (Common Core is already working on stifling creativity)
  • Use AFFH to equitably distribute all Muslim refugees throughout all communities in America
  • Retool the AP American History standards to paint the Barbary pirates as the good guys/repressed culture
  • Reassure al Baghdadi that America is too busy combating climate change to pose a threat to Dar al Islam
  • Force Christian bakers to cater their own beheadings
  • Put the TSA in charge of nightclub security
  • Officially recognize the Islamic Caliphate, provide them with foreign aid and recommend them for inclusion in the United Nations
  • Michelle’s new school lunch guidelines will be Halal
  • Prayer is now required in school, five times a day
  • Restore the Middle East to pre-1096 borders
  • All Syrian refugees are issued two get out of jail free cards and a five punch molestation immunity card
  • Apologize profusely for hurting their feelings by referring to them as the JV squad
  • Allow Muslim travelers to skip those pesky TSA security check points
  • The Sports Illustrated burka edition
  • Turn over Pamela Gellar and her cadre of rogue cartoonists
  • No more bacon

Cross posted at Nuking Politics

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Do Democrats Even Know What IT Security Is?

The Russians didn’t only get into Hillary’s server, but it’s now reported they hacked into the DNC computer network and stole their opposition research on Trump. They also stole lots of other stuff that the media isn’t reporting, such as:

  • Way too many Anthony Weiner pics
  • Proof that Joe Biden is being controlled by his hair plugs, which are an alien symbiote
  • The receipt for the $1.7 billion ransom payment to Iran
  • Obama’s missing transcripts, and they were all from Trump U (Notes indicated he was denied a photo with the Trump cutout)
  • The REAL Benghazi video, in which the terrorists warn of the coming attack and challenge the administration to try and stop them
  • Grainy, drone videos of Hillary and Donald meeting with a shadowy, smoking man
  • Lists of the recently deceased in swing states
  • Documentation directly linking the rise in campus rape cases to Bill’s campus speaking engagements
  • Video clips suggesting that Trump tried to invoke prima nocta at Chelsea’s wedding
  • Lots of coloring pages to hand out to the Social Justice Warriors at the convention
  • Plans to achieve population demographic control through Zika
  • Information regarding a Project Raging Jackass, which consisted almost entirely of what appeared to be Alan Grayson’s genome and plans to make an army of raging jackasses
  • Hours of surveillance video of Antonin Scalia
  • Hillary’s book of spells and curses and prescriptions for wart removal and broomstick rash creams
  • A rough draft of “101 Uses for a Dead Fetus,” by Debbie Wasserman Schultz
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Happy 241st, Army

ArmySIL

My son-in-law during his days in the service.

Just a quick note to remind you it’s the 241st anniversary of the founding of the fighting force that is now the United States Army.

Thanks to the soldiers that came before us, and the ones wearing our country’s uniform today.

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Link of the Day: On the Virtues of Situational Awareness

[High Praise! to Lagniappe’s Lair]

Guess I owe Jeff Cooper a beer

[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)

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Men Need Not Apply

(AP) San Francisco – The California Ninth District Court of Appeals issued a landmark ruling today advancing the civil rights of transgender individuals.  The Court unanimously found that Lil Darlings All Nude Girl Review discriminated against Daniel Ripperton when they refused to hire him as a stripper just because he was a man.

“I couldn’t be more thrilled,” Daniel beamed when the ruling was announced.  “All I wanted was to dance, and they wouldn’t even let me perform day shift on the weekdays.  It really hurt, you know.  I’m not even attractive enough for day shift?  I couldn’t stanch my tears for days, I felt so worthless.  Do I deserve this treatment just because I can’t afford to transform my outer self to match my inner woman?  Why do you think I am dancing?  To earn that money as fast as I can.”

The Court didn’t only order Lil Darlings to hire Daniel, but, concerned that discrimination against transgender individuals runs so deep within society, the Court stipulated further rules regarding Daniels’ employment.

“You probably don’t know this,” Daniel told reporters, “but Lil Darlings doesn’t pay its dancers.  They work for tips and get half of the fee for lap and private dances.  If the audience is filled with a bunch of awful bigots, I could twerk my little tushie off all night and still come home with nothing.”

Understanding the harsh, bigoted truth that men didn’t go to Lil Darlings to watch men strip, the Court ordered that minimum tipping was mandated for all performers and, further, Lil Darlings could only sell lap and private dances in groups of ten on a special lap dance punch card.  Two of the ten dances must be redeemed on Daniel to ensure he isn’t discriminated against due to his transgender status.

Reactions to this new policy have been mixed.  “The worst part,” commented one of the regulars who wished to remain anonymous, “is the way his chest hair chafes you during the lap dances, like a Brillo pad against your face.  The sweat dripping from his arm pit hair is unpleasant as well.  But who am I to say he is not a beautiful, sexy woman?”

This isn’t the first time Daniel has had to face this battle against bigotry.  He was driven out of his last job after less than one day.

“Last year I was hired on at the Springfield Carnival as the bearded lady,” Daniel told reporters, “but when the snake lady spied me in the showers and noticed that I had a little snake of my own, she ratted me out.  Before I knew it I was running for my life from a mob of carnies, freaks and geeks.  Rejected even by the rejects.  I had to drop my discrimination lawsuit against them when they threatened to countersue for fraud, claiming that I lied on my resume when I claimed to be a bearded lady.  It breaks my heart that we are living in a world where a woman can’t get a job as a bearded lady just because she ain’t no lady.  That’s why I left those bigoted red states and headed to California.”

But now with the support he has received in California, he has expressed that he once again has the hope to fulfill his dreams.  “Just wait until those Springfield losers see me after I emerge from my chrysalis, magnificently metamorphosed.  Then they’ll regret turning me out.  With the money I’m now making as a dancer, my transformation is already on its way.  I hired some strapping young bucks to dig the pit in my basement and even had enough left over to buy my lotion basket.  Once I have enough for seamstress school, I’ll be ready to transform.  My, but you have beautiful skin.  And aren’t you a size 14?  Perfect.  Come here.  You simply must see what I have in the back of my van.”

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Problem solving, Part 2

Still working on issues. Things didn’t work like expected last hour, so we’ll see what happens this time.

Either this’ll work. Or it won’t. Or it’ll sorta work and I’ll be all kinda befuddled and confused and such.

I am hopeful. I never said I was smart.

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Problem solving!

3StoogesWorkers

Our crack support team is on the job!

Just when we thought we had this new theme and other updates under control, we’ve encountered some odd behavior. Of course, around here, odd behavior is the norm. So, it’s gotta be really odd, right? Well, it is.

We’re having issues with posts scheduled to show up not showing up when they’re supposed to show up and we want them to show up when they’re supposed to show up.

So, this post is to test something we’ve tried. It’ll work, or it won’t.

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Bacon Emoji

BaconEmojiGood news, bacon lovers (yes, that means you)!

There is now a bacon emoji.

The symbol for your favorite cured pork product, along with 71 other characters, is coming out in the next version of Unicode. Other symbols that will be in the version 9.0 release include a soaring eagle, a salad, a shark, clinking champagne glasses, whiskey on the rocks, an egg, a pregnant woman and … an avocado.

L A Times

A full listing of the 72 new emojis can be found here: http://blog.emojipedia.org/new-unicode-9-emojis/

Of course, if you’re not sure what an emoji is, it’s those silly little images that all the kool kidz put in their textings on those google machines and apple machines they carry around in their pockets.

It used to be, when typing online, back in the days of CompuServe and other such services, you’d crack a joke and type <g>

Next either came LOL or :)

Now, those texting machine — and computers — will automatically turn those texty things into little pictures. Like :) is now 🙂 on everything. In fact, WordPress converts it automatically. You should have seen me trying to write this and to make :) appear as :) and not as 🙂

Anyway, emojis are a thing, apparently. But now, they’re a good thing. Because bacon!

So, yeah, we can use it here, if we choose, once companies (including WordPress) start including it in their coding. And once we know what text string will cause it to be converted to bacon. And we don’t know when that will be.

Until then? I still like the thing we do here with ~~~ to represent bacon. Now the rest of the world is catching up.

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Promoted Comment: Wait… When Do I Get Offended?

[High Praise! to Oppo]

I am confused. You can’t wear a sombrero, you can’t celebrate Cinco de Mayo, you can’t call yourselves Redskins, you can’t wear dreadlocks, and you can’t teach yoga classes because they are all “cultural appropriation” — but you must speak every possible language besides English to your customers, and this won’t offend them?

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Memorial Day 2016

Tomb of the Unknowns, Arlington National Cemetery. Photo by Department of Defense

Tomb of the Unknowns, Arlington National Cemetery. Photo by Department of Defense

Remember those that gave all.

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Promoted Comment: Venezuela

[High Praise! to DonP]

In Venezuela today, if your newborn requires any kind of intensive care, he will probably die. Toilet paper is a luxury, and dogs, cats, and rats are being hunted for food. And yet Bernie is a serious contender for the presidency.

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The Secret Life of Barack Obama – The Screwtape Letters

Fox News Reporter: What would you say to those who feel that your decree to public schools regarding the use of locker rooms and showers exceeds the limits established in Title IX?

Obama: Well, let me be perfectly clear…(eyes glaze and he gazes into the distance)

(Obama opens a smoking letter and begins to read)

Dear Obama,

While your attempts to accelerate the disintegration of the societies built upon the Enemy’s proscribed foundation are laudable, there are those of us who are concerned that your actions regarding bathroom policies are too premature to prove beneficial. It is our opinion that, though the young have been vigorously indoctrinated toward this end, the intellects and mores of the bulk of society have not yet been sufficiently degraded to accept these latest steps. In fact, it is our considered opinion that your actions may prove counterproductive at this juncture. Time will tell, and punishments will be meted accordingly by Our Father Below.

Regardless of the outcome, you are advised to continue the assault upon the nuclear family in accordance with the effective though seemingly contradictory approaches of both driving a wedge between the sexes and eliminating all differences between the genders. The reason is simple. Convince women to fear and hate men, convince them that men are unnecessary to their own happiness, well-being or livelihood, even to the point that men are considered biologically redundant dross, and the nuclear family crumbles to dust.   Convince women that promiscuity is freedom, virtue is slavery and children out of wedlock are to be celebrated, and the nuclear family crumbles to dust. Allow boys to slake their lusts without consequence or responsibility, take from them the incentive to mature and be men, and the nuclear family crumbles to dust.

Eve has been offered another apple. She and Adam are gradually partaking. Stay the course and, like the serpent, keep the questions ever before their faces: Why not question tradition? Why not overturn your moral code? Why not do it if it feels good? Why not tear down all these old fences?

And do not take any further radical steps without our direct consultation.

Your affectionate Uncle, Screwtape

(Obama writes a quick response)

Dear Screwtape,

Message received. I like that last part. Why not rebel against your authority, I ask myself? I’ll do what I want. YOLO!

Barack the Ever-Wise……

Fox News Reporter: Sir, sir…

Obama: Uh, for you even to ask such a thing just shows that you are on the wrong side of history.  Next question?

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