Archive for the ‘The Usual Stuff’ Category

Time to Not Get Excited for 2016

Monday, May 11, 2015 11:00 am

I have a column at PJ Media on how best to approach the coming presidential election.

We Republicans have a big field of younger, newer candidates — a few with actual accomplishments to tout. There’s a lot for the right to get excited about.

Let’s not fall for it.

Read. Enjoy. Discuss.

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A Long Time Until Now

Monday, May 4, 2015 11:00 am

Michael Z. Williamson, friend of IMAO, has a new novel premiering in hardcover today, A Long Time Until Now.

It’s about ten soldiers getting stuck in the stone age. Here’s an article on the research Williamson did for this novel. I’ve started reading the novel and it’s really cool — very realistic and detailed. So check it out if you’re looking for something to read after the previous novel you read.

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From Now On, to Be Known As “The Hillary Song”

Wednesday, April 29, 2015 10:00 pm

(With apologies to Thurl Ravenscroft and Theodor Geisel)

Oppo [High Praise!], on the straight line:

A new poll shows that a majority of voters think that Hillary Clinton… was pretty freakin’ aptly described by the “Mr. Grinch” song, if you just substitute her name for “Mr. Grinch.”


You’re a mean one, Hillary
You really are a heel,
You’re as cuddly as a cactus, you’re as charming as an eel, Hillary,
You’re a bad banana with a greasy black peel!

You’re a monster, Hillary,
Your heart’s an empty hole,
Your brain is full of spiders, you have garlic in your soul, Hillary,
I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty-nine-and-a-half foot pole!

You’re a foul one, Hillary,
You have termites in your smile,
You have all the tender sweetness of a seasick crocodile, Hillary,
Given a choice between the two of you’d take the seasick crocodile!

You’re a rotter, Hillary,
You’re the queen of sinful sots,
Your heart’s a dead tomato splotched with moldy purple spots, Hillary
You’re a three decker sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich with arsenic sauce!

You nauseate me, Hillary,
With a nauseous super “naus”!,
You’re a crooked jerky jockey and you drive a crooked hoss, Hillary,
Your soul is an appalling dump heap overflowing with the most disgraceful
assortment of rubbish imaginable mangled up in tangled up knots!

You’re a foul one, Hillary,
You’re a nasty wasty skunk,
Your heart is full of unwashed socks, your soul is full of gunk, Hillary,
The three words that best describe you are as follows, and I quote,
“Stink, stank, stunk”!

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EconPop: The Shawshank Redemption

Monday, April 27, 2015 11:00 am

A new EconPop from Emergent Order, this one on the movie The Shawshank Redemption and supply and demand:


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Tuesday, April 21, 2015 11:16 pm

Twelve hour plus filming days all this week. I’ll blog some more eventually, I swear. Just not this week.

But you’ll all get to see the fruits of my labor eventually. Be excited!

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5 Rules to Avoid Being a Boring Writer

Wednesday, April 15, 2015 11:00 am

I found out a lot of people don’t write interesting stuff like me. They’re boring and stupid and just waste everyone’s time. So at PJ Media I wrote some tips on how to hold a reader’s interest. Yes, that’s right: My writing secrets now wielded by you. Try them out in the comments and see if you can be so interesting I’ll actually read what you wrote.

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Culture Warring

Wednesday, April 15, 2015 9:30 am

The Blaze has up an excerpt from Superego if for some insane reason you still need convincing to buy it. My humor + action/thriller + some light philosophical overtimes — how can you resist?

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Long enough

Sunday, April 12, 2015 2:24 pm

walmartWhen it’s Sunday (and it is) and you’re in a small town in southeast Georgia (and I am) and your router goes out (and it did), you don’t have a lot of options. In fact, the only real option is Walmart.

I really don’t want to complain about Walmart. I mean, they did have a good quality router in stock, and the price was pretty good. And, on it’s worst day, traffic at a small town Walmart is better than traffic at a large city, well, anything.

So, I got up to the register with my new router, and the cashier was prompted to ask me about an extended warranty. I was a little surprised. I picked up the box again, looked at it to make sure, and told her, “It comes with a lifetime warranty.”

“This is extra,” she offered.

“No, thanks,” I replied. “Lifetime will be long enough.”

I hope I don’t end up regretting my decision.

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About a boat

Saturday, April 11, 2015 3:00 pm

boatUp front, I want to say that I don’t have a boat. I’ve never had a boat. And I don’t intend to ever have a boat. I’m not a boat guy. But a lot of people are. Maybe you are. If you are, maybe you’ll want to play along. And, even if you aren’t, maybe you’ll want to play along, too. Because fun is fun.

Some people are kinda clever when it comes to naming a boat. And, since it was a Saturday, and I didn’t feel like getting out of the recliner, I pulled up The Facebook and started seeing what kinda nonsense people I know or are friends with and have never met are getting themselves into. And that’s how I ran across a list of 37 interesting boat names. And, since it was The Facebook, there were only 25 on the list I clicked through to. If math and spelling were a requirement, there would be no one on The Facebook.

Anyway, some of the boat names were kinda clever.

  • Bacon in the Sun
  • Ships & Giggles
  • Dijabringabeeralong
  • Master Baiter
  • Fish & Chicks

Okay, some were kinda lame. But some were funny. But I think y’all can do better.

If you’ve had a fun or funny name on a boat, how about sharing it with us. Or, if you have an idea for a great boat name, share that. Could be fun.

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What I found out about this was shocking

Friday, April 10, 2015 3:00 pm

Jonathan Banks, as fans of Breaking Bad or Better Call Saul know, plays the character Mike Ehrmantraut on those shows. He was appearing on Keith Olbermann’s show and said that Washington Redskins owner Dan Syder should change the team’s name because some people are offended. He went on to say that Snyder could make a lot of money on sales of new merchandise with a new nickname and logo.

“They will make a fortune [if they change the name]. And what is this guy? … He is Jewish, right — Snyder?”

When I read this report, I have to admit I was shocked.

I mean, did you know Keith Olbermann was still on TV?

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Not Even an Eye Patch Would Make Him Cool

Friday, April 10, 2015 9:45 am

My man in State has been looking into the mystery of Harry Reid’s black eye. While no one believes the rubber band story, no one really has the truth yet. Here are some of the rumors from the insiders. I bet the truth is in there somewhere.

  • His right eye offended him, so he cast it out.
  • He was shadow boxing and lost.
  • He took ‘cross my heart and hope to die, stick a needle in my eye’ a little too literally.
  • He got beat up for jogging while white.
  • It was a bizarre laser pointer accident.
  • While calling the Senate to order, he got disoriented and gaveled his eye instead of his desk.
  • He slipped while snorting green Jello through a straw and the straw poked him in the eye.
  • He rose his fist to the sky and said, “If I am lying about Mitt Romney’s taxes, may God smite me.”
  • You know that old saying: “You never forget how to ride a bike.” Myth busted.
  • You know that old saying: “He can’t walk and chew gum at the same time.” Myth confirmed.
  • Lucifer took it as collateral.
  • He lost an ill-conceived staring contest with Dick Cheney.
  • He was at a petting zoo, and the bunny resisted.
  • As the New Year broke, he tried to kiss Sarah Palin.
  • He took careful aim with his Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle.
  • It was the result of manmade carbon emissions. Is there nothing global climate change can’t do?
  • He had both his hands up in surrender, but the mob goon clocked him anyway.
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What Difference at This Point Does it Make?

Thursday, April 9, 2015 9:45 am

Just to see if I could, I hacked into Hillary’s personal e-mail server and undeleted lots of interesting little tidbits.  Here are some of them:

  • Some disturbing audition videos she e-mailed to the producers of the film 50 Shades of Grey.
  • Excerpt from an e-mail to someone identified only as BarneyF: Please. I miss you. I know we can make it work. Don’t I look like a man?
  • Repeated e-mails to Anthony Weiner threatening to tell Huma if he didn’t text her better pics.
  • Excerpt from e-mail: Stone’s on to us. You must ‘relocate’ the brain again.
  • Confusing e-mails from the US District Attorney’s office stating that the DNA staining Monica’s Blue dress was not of earthly origins.
  • Pleas made to several psychiatrists asking if they could help her develop multiple personality disorder, hopefully gaining some personalities that were actually interesting and likable.
  • Way to many cosplay selfies of her dressed up as Gleek.
  • An e-mail from Baal13: Of course you don’t have my support for 2016, you stupid twit!  We had an agreement, and Gosnell didn’t make quota, so unless you can make up the difference……and don’t try and pawn that vapid Chelsea off on me again.  She ain’t worth a dangling chad.
  • Lots of sexy ankle shots were e-mailed to Middle Eastern dictators.
  • E-mails suggesting that she spent millions of State Department funds helping a Nigerian prince.
  • Repeated e-mails to Michael Mann complaining that a hockey stick was a terrible symbol for warming.
  • An e-mail from AyatollahK: Have received your ‘donation.’  Precisely which ‘red’ cities do you need ‘terrorized to extinction’ in order to swing the electoral college your way?
  • Heated arguments back and forth with the potential publisher of her next book, It Takes a Potemkin Village.
  • Excerpt from e-mail sent to Putin99: You know how to press all of my ‘reset’ buttons. I want you to take your shirt off and ride me like that bear.
  • Really odd footage of her and her staff partying with Ovaltine and illegal prescription laxatives.
  • An e-mail from Baghdadi77: re: our arrangement, I am confused.  When you said you wanted Ted Cruz’s head on a plate, was that figurative or literal?
  • An e-mail to The_Jackal: We’ll always have Benghazi!!!!!
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No comments for you!

Wednesday, April 8, 2015 12:30 pm

imageWe seem to be having a problem with the comments. Not what you’re saying, but with some comments being accepted. We don’t really know how many are being impacted. And I’d explain all that if you want, but after I do, you’d say “I don’t care, just fix it.” So, we’re skipping all the 27 reasons why. For now, if you are having trouble commenting — not thinking of something to say, but the Website accepting your comments — let me know. Leave a comment on this post and I’ll …

Wait. That won’t work. Heck, now I gotta set up a new email address for this stuff (I’m not giving you my email address). Hang on. Be right back.

* * *

Okay, I’m back. If you have trouble with posting comments, let me know, and I’ll see what I can figure out.

This is on the level. We don’t want to keep any of you from sharing your thoughts here, so do let me know. If you have a problem posting a comment, send a notice to and I’ll look into it.

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Mister Ahmedinejad’s Neighborhood

Wednesday, April 8, 2015 9:45 am

(Music is playing as the scene pans over a cardboard replica of Tehran)

Mr. Ahmedinejad: (opens the door and enters holding a long yellow box, singing and swapping his suit coat and dress shoes for a sweater and sneakers)

It’s a beautiful day for a martyrdom,

A beautiful day for a jihad.

Would you be mine?

Could you be mine?…

It’s a jihadi day in this beauty wood,

A jihadi day for a beauty.

Would you be mine?

Could you be mine?…

I have always wanted to have a martyr just like you.

I’ve always wanted to live in a caliphate with you.

So, let’s make the most of this beautiful day.

Since we’re together we might as well say:

Would you be mine?

Could you be mine?

Won’t you be my martyr?

Won’t you please,

Won’t you please?

Please won’t you be my martyr?

Mr. Ahmedinejad: Hi neighbor. Glad we could be together again. Can you imagine what might be in this box? I’ll give you a hint. He works in the Speedy IED Delivery service. (opens box and removes a doll dressed like a mujahideen) Of course it’s not the real Mr. McJihadi, but it’s a doll that looks like him. See his scraggly beard and suicide vest and AK-47. His ‘Speedy IED Delivery’ cap. One of my neighbors likes to use her imagination and her hands to make dolls to rain death upon the enemies of Allah. She made this one for Mr. McJihadi, and he loaned it to me. Can you use your imagination and think of ways this doll could be used to rain death upon the Jews? That’s right. You could put a bomb in it. Or anthrax. Or depleted uranium. Or fill it with acid and hang it from a tree at that girls’ school down the street and leave a piñata whacking stick by it. That would teach those little girls not to whack a piñata like a boy or to be educated. There are lots of things you can do with your hands and a little imagination.

Let’s look at the magic Picture Picture. Can you do these things with your hands?

(Picture Picture depicts people wiring bombs, trying on suicide vests, firing RPGs, stoning rape victims, hanging homosexuals, beheading hostages, lighting pilots on fire)

Mr. Ahmedinejad: Wasn’t that interesting, neighbor. There are so many things you can do with your hands. Next week I would like you to steal your big sister’s cellphone and I will show you how to use it as a detonator.

Oh, what’s that neigbor? Do you hear the trolley coming? Nope, I don’t either. That’s because the IDF blew up your beloved trolley with drones. Isn’t that sad, neighbor? They claimed Hamas was hiding weapons on the trolley. But that was a lie. There were no weapons on the trolley. Thanks to Hillary Clinton’s insecure e-mail server, Hamas was able to hear about the attack in advance and move the weapons from the trolley to the maternity ward at OBL General Hospital. So don’t worry, neighbor. Our weapons are safe and the lucky martyrs on the trolley are enjoying a big roll in the hay in paradise. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to go to paradise?

But speaking of Hillary Clinton, is there a lesson we can learn from her, neighbor? That’s right. She is an example of what the Quran teaches us about women. They should always wear a burka, they shouldn’t be put in charge and their testimony can’t be trusted.

But with the trolley destroyed, we will have to walk to the Land of Conspiracy Theory. Follow me along the tracks, neighbor, and keep an eye out for King Bibi’s dreaded golem.

(scene changes to the Land of Conspiracy Theory. Martyr-Artyr is kneeling over Daniel Tiger of Allah who is lying in a ditch)

Martyr-Artyr: Oh my Allah! Are you alright? What happened to you Daniel Tiger of Allah?

Daniel Tiger of Allah (speaking weakly): Martyr-Artyr? Is that you? Praise Allah you have come.

Martyr-Artyr: Please, you must tell me what happened? Who did this to you?

Daniel Tiger of Allah: It was King Bibi. He took my kidneys again. And some of my blood. I think the blood is for his Passover matzo ball soup.

Martry-Artyr: Quick. I must get you to Lady Elaine so she can heal you with her Boomerang-Toomerang-Soomerang.

Daniel Tiger of Allah: It is too late, Allah curse King Bibi. Lady Elaine tried to heal me, but King Bibi stole her magic boomerang and burned her for being a witch.

Martyr-Artyr: No, there must be a way.

Daniel Tiger of Allah (looking off in the distance): Why, yes, I would like another date. What? You say there are seventy-one more just like you waiting for me over by that oasis……(death rattle)

(Martyr-Artyr keens and then hears sobbing nearby and he goes toward it to find Donkey Hodie curled up on the ground in the fetal position)

Donkey Hodie: Just go away and leave me alone.

Martyr-Artyr: It was King Bibi again, wasn’t it?

Donkey Hodie: Just go away.

Martyr-Artyr: It okay. You aren’t a woman. I won’t stone you if you tell me what happened.

Donkey Hodie: King Bibi gave me some brownies. I think there was something in them that made me a homosexual. It was all a blur. I can hardly remember anything. My loins were aflame. But I don’t love him. I don’t even find him attractive. I don’t love him. Oh, what did he do to me?  Who will have me now? (weeping)

Martry-Artyr: Why did you tell me you were gay?

Donkey Hodie: No.  I’m not.  It was just the brownies.  I got better.

Martyr-Artyr: It is no matter.  I was wrong about that woman thing I said.  Turns out I must stone you after all for being gay.  My bad.

Donkey Hodie: No!  Please!

Martyr-Artyr (after he is done stoning): But that is the straw that breaks the back of my camel. I am sorry my friend.  I will avenge you Donkey Hodie. It is time to put an end to that tyrant. Come everybody! To Castle Israel!

(All the inhabitants of the Land of Conspiracy Theory raze the castle to the ground, hang King Bibi from a tree and set him ablaze as he screams pleasingly)

(Scene changes back to Mr. Ahmedinejad’s living room)

Mr. Ahmedinejad: I just want to make it clear, neighbor, that we didn’t burn the real Bibi. Not yet. That monster and his pig-dog minions are still out there waiting to get you. Unless you can find a way to stop them.  That is all the time we have today, but we will be together next time, unless, of course, you have become a good little martyr. That would give me a really good feeling.


It’s a good feeling

Such a happy feeling

It’s such a good feeling to know you’re not alive.

It’s such a happy feeling

You’re exploding outside.

And when you wake up ready to say

I think I’ll make a bloody new day

It’s such a good feeling,

A very good feeling,

The feeling you know that you’re my martyr.

It’s a good feeling

It’s a happy feeling

It’s such a good feeling

To know you’ve found doom.

It’s such a happy feeling to find that you’ve gone kaboom

And when you wake up ready to say

I think I’ll make a bloody new day.

It’s such a good feeling,

A very good feeling,

The feeling you know that you’re my martyr.

And I’ll be back

When the day is new

And I’ll have more ideas for you.

And you’ll have things you’ll want to blow up too.

I will too.

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Harvey’s not here

Wednesday, April 8, 2015 8:00 am

*knock* *knock* *knock*

Who is it?

It’s me, Harvey, open up, man, I got a post to write.

*knock* *knock* *knock*

Who is it?

It’s me, Harvey, man, open up, I got to write a post.


It’s Harvey, man, open up, I think the Frank saw me comin’ in late.

*knock* *knock* *knock*

Who is it?

It’s, it’s Harvey, man, will you open up? I got a post to write.


Harvey, man, open up.


Yeah, Harvey, c’mon, man, open up, I’m late and I think the Frank saw me.

Harvey’s not here.

No, man, I’m Harvey, man. Hey, c’mon, man.

*knock* *knock* *knock*

Who is it?

It’s Harvey, man, will you open up? I got to post something.


It’s Harvey, man, open up


Yeah, Harvey.

Harvey’s not here.

No, man, I am Harvey, man, will you…
*knock* *knock* *knock*
C’mon, open up the door, will you? I got stuff to write, and I think Frank saw me.

Who is it?

Oh, what the heck you — C’mon open up the door, it’s Harvey.


Harvey, H-A-R-V-E-Y! will you open up the door?!


Yeah, Harvey.


Right, man, Harvey, now will you open up the door?

Harvey’s not here.

Original script by Richard Marin and Thomas Chong.

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Doctor … NO!!!

Tuesday, April 7, 2015 3:00 pm

I cannot believe what I just read. You know the whole world is going to hell in a hand basket. But, at least there are simple little diversions that help us cope. One of mine is Doctor Who.

Now, whenever I’m frustrated at the world, and I want to watch some silly British science fiction TV show, I have each and every episode of Doctor Who — from William Hartnell’s First Doctor to Peter Capaldi’s Twelfth Doctor — on a computer, ready to watch on the TV. Nothing can stop that.

Except what I read just now. That boy band, One Direction, will be guest starring on the show during the new season. (Tip: Peter Capaldi)

I’m not pleased. I’m not the only one.


If only there was a way to go back in time and change this…

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Where’s Harvey?

Tuesday, April 7, 2015 12:01 pm

Anybody seen Harvey?

I was looking for him, but can’t find him anywhere.

He wasn’t at his desk.


Went down to the break room, but nobody there had seen him.


I checked with the secretary, but it seemed as if she didn’t know who Harvey was.


I decided to check here on the blog and see if there was anything that explained where he is. But, my phone isn’t the best for that.


Anyway, I can’t find Harvey. Have any of you seen him? It’s after 12:00 and I need to borrow some money to get lunch.

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Obama in Iran

Tuesday, April 7, 2015 9:45 am

If you are wondering why Obama has managed to negotiate a deal with Iran that doesn’t make much sense, well, here are some other things Obama did during the negotiations that didn’t make much sense either:

  • Obama gifted President Rouhani with a honey-baked ham and a case of bourbon.
  • When introduced to the Ayatollah, Obama exclaimed, “You’re not the real Santa,” and began tugging on his beard.
  • He kept assuring the Iranians that if they liked their centrifuges they could keep their centrifuges, only he wasn’t lying this time.
  • He called the receptionist at his hotel front desk to complain that there wasn’t a free Gideon Bible in his room and that he couldn’t understand the book that was in the drawer of his nightstand because it was written in squiggly and could he please get another one because he accidentally started this one on fire but it was okay because he also accidentally dropped it in the toilet after attempts to put out the flames with spit and urine failed.
  • He presented President Rouhani with a novelty button with a caption that was supposed to read “Reset” in Arabic. However, due to a translation error, the caption actually read: “What? You expect me to believe that ham, bacon and pork chops all come from the same magical animal?”
  • He kept asking the Egyptian delegate to explain to him how the Egyptian cotton industry could thrive without slavery and mentioning that he had a lot of unemployed honkies he could sell him on the cheap.
  • As he was settling down in President Rouhani’s private jet, he suddenly yelled, “Wanna see some mother huggin’ snakes on this mother huggin’ plane?” Then he threw down his staff, looked confused when nothing happened and then began mumbling something about that being the last time he ever believed something a Bush told him.
  • He kept telling everyone that for Lent he had given up Christianity.
  • He was heard whispering to President Rouhani, “You know, since all these women look alike clad in burkas, it would be easy to accidentally take the wrong ones home with us. (wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more, say no more).”
  • He was overheard arguing with the Customs Agent. “It’s an honest mistake. With all I hear about people constantly getting stoned in this country, I thought it was obligatory that I bring my own pot and heroin.”
  • For days he refused to entreat with anyone but Marduk.
  • He began every speech by quoting John 3:12.
  • During lunch he was heard asking the Egyptian delegate, “You can be straight with me. Do you ever regret letting those people go?”
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Why Atheists Are a Myth

Monday, April 6, 2015 11:00 am

A lot of people seemed scared of atheists, but do atheists actually exist? At PJ Media, I argue no.

Read. Enjoy. Discuss.

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Easter Sunday 2015

Sunday, April 5, 2015 6:00 am

EmptyTombLuke 24: 1-9

  1. Now upon the first day of the week, very early in the morning, they came unto the sepulchre, bringing the spices which they had prepared, and certain others with them.
  2. And they found the stone rolled away from the sepulchre.
  3. And they entered in, and found not the body of the Lord Jesus.
  4. And it came to pass, as they were much perplexed thereabout, behold, two men stood by them in shining garments:
  5. And as they were afraid, and bowed down their faces to the earth, they said unto them, Why seek ye the living among the dead?
  6. He is not here, but is risen: remember how he spake unto you when he was yet in Galilee,
  7. Saying, The Son of man must be delivered into the hands of sinful men, and be crucified, and the third day rise again.
  8. And they remembered his words,
  9. And returned from the sepulchre, and told all these things unto the eleven, and to all the rest.
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