Archive for the ‘The Usual Stuff’ Category

Life With ISIS – Terror Fun Fair Part 2

Thursday, April 28, 2016 9:45 am

(somewhere secret in the desert)

Habib: Look over there. Hamas has a booth. Come on.

Hamas Rep: Welcome. Are any of you interested in joining Hamas?

Ali: Thanks, but we’re all set. Love the caliphate.

Hamas Rep: That’s perfectly alright. I’m a big fan of the caliphate myself. We are all doing Allah’s great work. If you have any questions, feel free to ask. Help yourself to any of the literature and swag. We’ve already run out of the ‘Death to the Jews’ pins, but here are some ‘Nuke Israel’ temporary tattoos for the kids and some bumper stickers that will look equally great on the rumps of your Humvees, goats or mules. Or maybe even on the rump of one of the missuses if you are feeling a tad kinky. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more.

Ahmed (leafing through the pamphlets): Now here is something I’ve never heard of before. What is this adopt a Jew program?

Galid: I am confused. Why would anyone want to adopt a Jew? They are so expensive to maintain, and too lazy and stubborn to make a decent slave. You would get carpel tunnel from all the beating. Is not a bullet much cheaper?

Ali: Or stones? Stones are cheap.

Hamas Rep: No, it’s not like that at all. This is a fund raising program.

Habib: Oh, to help fund all your charity work?

(all laughing)

Hamas Rep: Yes. Exactly that. Charity work. Here’s how the program works. We have a tunnel that leads directly to a settlement just across the Israeli border with many Jews ready to be harvested. For a donation of as little as fifteen cents a day, you can adopt a Jew.  We will harvest the Jew for you and send you a photograph of your own special Jew. Once a week, you will receive a letter from your special Jew, usually begging for its life or asking you to implore to the authorities on his behalf to pay the ransom. It’s adorable, I can promise you.  Precious memories like this will cost you so little. For a donation of only a dollar a day, your weekly letter will include additional keepsakes from your Jew. A little hair, a toenail, a tooth, maybe an entire digit. Momentos you will treasure for a lifetime. And for a one time donation of $1,000, you will never have to hear from your Jew again.

Habib: Could I get a group discount?  What would it cost for a half dozen or so posing in an Abu Ghraib style pyramid?  Could I be the pointer?

Galid: I am still confused. Why do I want to adopt a Jew? Are you running out of missiles?

Ahmed (examining a large fishbowl filled with folded up pieces of paper): Is this some sort of raffle?  I didn’t bring any buisness cards.

Hamas Rep: Oh no. Gambling? That would be un-Islamic. That is another fund raiser for our charity. The bowl contains emails we got from Hillary’s personal server. No one’s read them yet. We just printed them out in bulk. For five bucks, you can reach into the fishbowl and pick out your own personal, potentially top secret email. Who’s in?

(All hand over five bucks)

Ali: I’m first (pulls a piece of paper from the bowl)

Habib: Read it. Read it.

Ali: Ok. Ok. Here it goes. “Huma, please help me. I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.”

Ahmed: Ok. My turn. (pulls out an email) Wow. This has a whole email chain. Better start at the bottom of the thread. “Huma, can you tell Anthony once again to stop sending me pictures of his junk. I’m sick to death of looking at closeups of his balls.” Ok, then Huma responds: “For the millionth time, those are not closeups of my husband. They are aerial military photos of the Iraqi hillside.”

Galid: Ok, here goes. I really hope I get the name of a secret agent we can torture and turn to our cause. Wish me luck. (picks paper, reads it and looks dejected).

Habib: Come on. What does it say?

Galid: It’s another thread. I’ll go to the bottom. Wow, I am confused.  There are an awful lot of typos here. I’ll do my best to figure it out on the fly: “Huma, I think I have gone blind.” And then Huma responds: “Are you sure you don’t have your head stuck in Obama’s bucket again?”

Ali (interrupting): I bet she has her head up her butt.

Galid: Well, let’s see.  And Hillary replies: “No. I can feel my face, but I can’t see my hand in front of it.” Huma responds again: “Have you tried the light switch?” And Hillary again: “This is one of the many reasons I can’t quit you.”  And Huma replies: “You know, like I told you before, you can send me texts from your blackberry in situations like this.  You don’t have to email me.” And Hillary responds: “This isn’t a text? I’m so confused.”  (Galid stops reading to comment) I too am confused?  Texts and emails are not the same?

Ahmed: Not the same Galid.  Is there more?

Galid:  Oh yes.  She keeps going: “Where am I and who are you?  Why it is still so dark?  Is that you again, oh Lord of Flies? I’m not ready to go yet.  You promised me vengeance!  I will be satisfied!”  And then Huma again, at least I think it is Huma.  It says it is Huma: “You will be avenged. Place your faith in me, give me the glory and you will be avenged.  Blood will flow like flowing blood.”

Ali: Ok, that just got really weird.

Galid: I am so confused.  And there is still more: “I am so, so cold.  Never shall I be warm again.  Saul, dear Saul.  You lied to me.  You said I wouldn’t, but I do.  I do miss it.  How can I miss something that never existed?”  And then Huma again: “Take your pills and go to bed, Hill.  I’m turning off my phone until morning.”

Ali: She is a freaking psycho! How can she rule?  The Koran is exactly right. Baghdadi is at least twice as sane as she is.

Habib: Ok, my turn now. (picks paper) Oh, this is a good one. It says Galid Al Sawahiri is an American spy!

Galid: Now I am really confused. That is me! How would I not know this?  Is it so top secret even I am not aware of it?  I must not have a high enough security clearance.

Ali: Stone Galid!

Ahmed: Death to spies!

Galid: Death to me!  Wash me in my blood!

(Ali pelts Galid with a stone and Galid tosses a stone into the air and tries to let it land on his head but misses himself)

Habib: Just kidding. It doesn’t really say that.  No need to stone Galid.

Galid: Oh, you kidder.  You had me good there.  I am so relieved, my friend.  Praise Allah I am not a spy.

Habib: Here is what it really says. Starts with Hillary: “Huma, have you seen this offensive video about Islam. It is hilarious!” And then Huma responds: “Do you realize you just forwarded that video to your entire middle eastern contact list?”  And then Hillary: “Where is that blasted reset button again?”

(To be continued, maybe, if I feel like it)

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Promoted Comment: The $20 Bill Redesign

Tuesday, April 26, 2016 7:00 pm

[High Praise! to NO_MO_BAMA]

“It’s good to see that a country that’s $20 trillion in debt on on the verge of financial collapse is spending countless millions to change pictures on money to make people who don’t earn any happy.”

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Life With ISIS – Terror Fun Fair

Tuesday, April 26, 2016 12:49 pm

(somewhere secret in the desert)

Corporate Activities Imam: I know we are all very excited, and we’ve all been waiting for this day for a long time, so I’ll keep this intro very brief. Welcome to the first annual ISIS Jobs Fun Fair. We were overwhelmed by the level of response we have received, and there are plenty of booths and activities for everyone from the hard core Jihadist to the sympathetic widows and orphans. Everything will be running until evening prayers, so enjoy and have at it.

Ali: Hey, looks like they have a cake walk.

Ahmed: Is that real yellow cake?

Ali: Looks like it. Authentic Nigerian.

Habib: Hey, they have a Barbie booth. We just have to check that out.

Galid: I am confused. I thought Barbie’s were a symbol of the whore of the Great Satan.

Habib: Well, uh, I, uh just wanted to crush them beneath the heel of my boot, Allah willing.

Barbie Sales Imam: Not these Barbies. These Barbies are especially designed by non-Jews to teach our little girls their role in society all while having fun. Feast your eyes on Burka Barbie.

Galid: I am confused. That Barbie is covered from head to toe. There is nothing upon which to feast your eyes… Oh, I get it.

Barbie Sales Imam: Exactly. And unlike the Barbies of the Great Satan, these ones are economical. There are no accessories that go with it. No Barbie Jeep or Barbie books or Barbie clothes because, well, why? Girls have no need of such things. There is only the Burka Barbie Dreamcave.

Habib: But what are these burly looking boy dolls?

Barbie Sales Imam: Those are the Ken dolls?   What would Barbie be without Ken? We have the Honor Killing Ken. Comes with the machete.

Habib: Wow, that’s really sharp!

Barbie Sales Imam: And Husband Ken with a beating stick. And Rapist Ken and Imam Ken and Refugee Ken and Sleeper Cell Ken and Mujahideen Ken.

Galid (picks up a Burka Barbie and struggles to find a way to get a peek underneath the burka)

Habib: What is this one with the coif and the impeccable fashion sense?

Barbie Sales Imam: Oh, that is Homo Ken. It comes with either a crane to hang it from or a little wall to topple over on him.

Habib: Would it be possible, Allah willing, to get the Homo Ken with a burka?

Barbie Sales Imam: What?  Why?

Habib: Uh, um… to sneak past that wiley TSA, of course.

Galid (manages to get the burka off Burka Barbie): I am confused. This Burka Barbie still has a clitoris.

Ahmed: What? Let me see that! What are you trying to pull here?

Habib: What are you trying to teach the children?

Ahmed: Stone him!

Habib: Stone him!

Barbie Sales Imam: No, no. It is not a clitoris. It is not. It is a remnant of the manufacturing process. It is a mark left when it is detached from the mold.

Ahmed: Allah spits upon your mold!

Habib: Stone him!

Barbie Sales Imam: No. Look, look. If you just use the machete of Honor Killing Ken, you can remove the mark. It’s all part of the fun.

Galid: Wait. I am confused. Mold? So Burka Barbie has a yeast infection? Are you a Jew trying to infect us with filthy yeast?

Ahmed: Death to mold!

Ali: Death to yeast!

Barbie Sales Imam: No, no, no. I’m talking about the mold used to make the doll. And yeast isn’t mold anyway. It is fungi.

Habib: Fun guy, huh? Do you have any more of this yeast, by the way?  Or do you have a Fun Guy Ken to go with Homo Ken?

Galid: I am confused. Why do you know of these molds and fungi? Why would a Barbie sales imam be so well versed in the bioweapons of the Jews?

Ahmed: Stone him! Stone him!

Habib: Death to the Jews!

Ali: Death to the Jews!

(they stone him mercilessly)

Ali: Hey, he still has some of those Trump Action Figures. Remember these? (pulls string)

Ahmed: Allah curse you for a fool! Don’t you remember that those were bombs? (grabs the action figure and hurls it into a crowd of women and children)

Trump Action Figure: Doesn’t my daughter make your loins burn? (explodes)

Ahmed: Allah be praised, but that was close.

(to be continued, maybe if I feel like it)

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Trump’s Earth Day Plans to Make Earth Great Again

Friday, April 22, 2016 2:01 pm

On Earth Day, I, Donald Trump, have ideas not just to make America great again, but to make the whole earth great again. When I do these things, the environment will be great again. It will be great.

  • Hey, instead of using airplanes, I’m gonna have all my staff use carbon friendly travel by organic trebuchets/recycled parachutes.
  • I’ll compost all my political enemies.
  • I’ll only use organic products when fantasizing about my daughter. It’s great. Doesn’t she look great. Don’t tell me you wouldn’t.
  • I’ll stop using endangered animals as sources for my hair, and it will still look great.
  • And when I go to Central Park to let my hair run around for a bit, I’ll make sure to use a leash and clean up after it.
  • I’ll sue everyone who speaks ill of me to incentivize keeping their filthy carbon dioxide in their lungs.
  • Did you know, methane is a much greater greenhouse gas than carbon dioxide? The cure is easy. If you eat falafel, you can’t immigrate to America. The air quality will be great.
  • And if you are an H1B worker, you’re fired. Keep that noxious methane in the third world with you.
  • I’ll make better deals with carbon dioxide. Does it really have to retain so much heat?
  • Better yet, I’ll build a wall to keep greenhouse gases from illegally entering the atmosphere, and I’m gonna make Richard Lindzen pay for it.
  • Hey, if you don’t like global warming, just do what I do and leave your windows open when you run your AC. I’m rich. I can afford it.
  • I’ll commit to continue recycling my positions on the issues at least weekly.
  • When Exxon Mobil starts acting out, just punch it in the mouth. Don’t worry, I’ll pay your legal fees.
  • I’ll use eminent domain, pave that residential area and put up an energy efficient parking lot.
  • I’ll add a climate science degree at Trump University.
  • I’ll keep exchanging wives for younger, more energy-efficient models. It’s great. I recommend it for everybody.
  • Reduce my carbon footprint? Why? My carbon footprint is just between a medium and large, just like my hands and other things. It’s a great size.
  • And last of all, if you give me the nomination, I’ll stop pissing on conservative principles. Ok, I probably won’t, but I will start using the transgender or coed restrooms instead. You know, there are chicks in there. It’s great.
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15 Fun Facts About Earth Day

Friday, April 22, 2016 2:00 pm

(reposted from 2012)

Not content with ruining an hour of your life on March 28th, the greenies are back at it again less than a month later with “Earth Day”, which is like some sort of hippie Christmas or something.

Yeah, leave it to the Watermelons to pick a day for celebration when it’s still too cold to hang out in the back yard wearing an apron and grilling steaks. There’s a reason the 4th of July falls on the 4th of July every year, people.

Since no one you know or like knows anything about Earth Day, I’ll get you up to speed so that if you end up talking to a liberal today, you can dish some knowledge and then act like he’s a total moron for not already knowing these…


1) Earth Day was invented by Gaylord Nelson, then a U.S. Senator from Wisconsin, on April 22nd 1970, in an valiant effort to make people spend their time caring about the environment instead of snickering at his first name.

2) Earth Day is celebrated every year on April 22nd, which, coincidentally, is Russian dictator V.I. Lenin’s birthday. Although Lenin was too busy being dead to directly participate in the first Earth Day celebration in 1970, visitors to his tomb that day swear they heard chuckling.

3) An early supporter of the Earth Day movement was “Population Bomb” author Paul Erlich, whose work presciently predicted the widespread famines and food riots that killed millions of Americans during the Reagan years.

4) One of the most popular Earth Day activities is to reduce usage of water – a rare and precious commodity which few living people have seen outside of pictures – of which barely 400 quadrillion gallons currently remain.

5) Most Earth Day functions you will attend put out “recycling bins” to collect plastic water bottles. This reduces waste and pollution by having the containers hauled away separate from the garbage bins by 20-ton diesel trucks that get 3 miles to the gallon.

6) On Earth Day 2005, over 1000 people stood on a Canadian ice floe to spell out the words “Arctic Warming,” which, unfortunately, local polar bears mis-read as “Free Crunchy Meat Snacks.”

7) The EPA offers a free newsletter with handy Earth Day tips such as “Keep appliances in good working order.” Which is completely useless advice as it doesn’t tell you whether to use a fork or a knife to fix your toaster.

8) Some folks enjoy writing “6 word essays” on Earth Day, like “Many nations. One planet. Our home.” Mostly people who portrayed Indians in westerns during the 1950’s.

9) In preparation for Earth Day, teachers are encouraged to help children learn about global warming by periodically poking them with an “alertness stick” during a screening of “An Inconvenient Truth”.

10) One of the biggest crises addressed during the first Earth Day celebrations was ozone depletion. We don’t care about that any more.

11) Sadly, although Earth Day was founded on an ideal of environmental justice, American law schools still hand out very few degrees to spotted owls.

12) On Earth Day 2003, students in the UK set a world record by planting 4100 trees, which were later cut down by men who skip and jump, like to press wild flowers, put on women’s clothing, and hang around in bars.

13) One of the watchwords of Earth Day is “reuse.” If you see a hobo begging for change using an old Slurpee cup, give him a big ‘ol Earth Day hug of thanks.

14) On the first Earth Day in 1970, activists spilled oil on the sidewalk outside the U.S. Department of the Interior to protest against offshore drilling, completely destroying the crab-fishing industry in the DC metro area.

15) The EPA was founded shortly after, and because of, the first Earth Day in 1970. Since its inception, the EPA has saved enough electricity to power 2 million homes by enforcing laws that prevent power plants from creating that electricity.

Final thought:

Every time someone makes a list of Earth Day activities, they’re really just telling you how you can make hippies cry by doing the opposite.

[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #189,480)

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Chocolate from Bean to Bar

Thursday, April 7, 2016 9:00 pm

[Do You Know Where Chocolate Comes From?] (Viewer #42,482)

I’m put off a bit by the whiff of smug hipsterism that underlies this video, but I was still intrigued by the numerous and well-illustrated factoids it contained.

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Easter Sunday 2016

Sunday, March 27, 2016 6:00 am

EmptyTombLuke 24: 1-9

  1. Now upon the first day of the week, very early in the morning, they came unto the sepulchre, bringing the spices which they had prepared, and certain others with them.
  2. And they found the stone rolled away from the sepulchre.
  3. And they entered in, and found not the body of the Lord Jesus.
  4. And it came to pass, as they were much perplexed thereabout, behold, two men stood by them in shining garments:
  5. And as they were afraid, and bowed down their faces to the earth, they said unto them, Why seek ye the living among the dead?
  6. He is not here, but is risen: remember how he spake unto you when he was yet in Galilee,
  7. Saying, The Son of man must be delivered into the hands of sinful men, and be crucified, and the third day rise again.
  8. And they remembered his words,
  9. And returned from the sepulchre, and told all these things unto the eleven, and to all the rest.
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Perspective on Hillary

Friday, March 18, 2016 7:00 pm

[High Praise! to Gunslinger’s Journal]

“[Hillary’s] a power mad monster. It is difficult to determine just how far left, or right, she is to Sanders, given the savage lust for power that has driven her for decades. There are many graves in her wake.

“Compared to her, Capt. Ahab was just a guy looking forward to his next fishing trip.”

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Cartoon of the Day – Reporting

Thursday, March 17, 2016 7:00 am

[A.F. Branco – Comically Incorrect]

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Friday, March 11, 2016 7:00 am

The 2004 Madrid train bombings.

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Promoted Comment: Decision 2016

Wednesday, March 9, 2016 7:00 pm

(Submitted by Oppo [High Praise!])

In 2016, American voters may be forced to choose between Bonnie Parker, Leon Trotsky or Triumph the Insult Comic Dog.

— “The Week In Stupid” | March 6, 2016 | Derek Hunter

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Satire: Full Metal Trump

Monday, February 29, 2016 7:00 pm

(A parody of the “Private Pyle Snaps” scene from Full Metal Jacket (NSFW); written and submitted by Tinman [High Praise!])




The REPUBLICAN ELECTORATE sleeps. CRUZ walks slowly down the rank and file with a flashlight.

CRUZ (internal dialogue): Our last year under OBAMA. I throw my hat into the ring.

CRUZ hears a muffled sound. He isn’t sure where it comes from. He slowly enters the primaries.



Running his flashlight across Iowa CRUZ sees TRUMP sitting on a toilet, loading a magazine for his M-14 rifle. The rifle has the name POPULISM painted crudely down its stock.
TRUMP looks up at CRUZ and smiles. It is a disturbing smile.

TRUMP (in a creepy voice): Hi, Ted.

CRUZ stares at TRUMP for few seconds. TRUMP has quite clearly snapped.

CRUZ: Is that… your platform?

TRUMP: 762 promises, not one I’ll keep.

TRUMP smile grotesquely.

CRUZ: Donald… if the CONSERVATIVE BASE comes in here and catches us, we’ll both be in a world of HILLARY.

TRUMP: I am… in a world… of HILLARY!

TRUMP gets to his feet, snaps his rifle to port arms and starts executing the Manual of Populism.

TRUMP (shouting): Make America great again … yeah! ISIS is afraid of me… yeah! HILLARY CLINTON was a birther… yeah!

TRUMP picks up the loaded magazine of campaign promises, inserts it into the rifle named POPULISM, and smartly brings the rifle to the order-arms position.

TRUMP (shouting): We want to have a border! We want to have a wall! I will make Mexico pay for it! And ban all the Muslims from coming in!



By now the REPUBLICAN ELECTORATE is awake and taking notice.

The CONSERVATIVE BASE bursts from its slumber, wearing I [Heart] RON skivvies, tee-shirt, and GOP hat.

TRUMP: (off-screen) I am what’s best for America! Let’s make America great again!

CONSERVATIVE BASE (shouts to the REPUBLICAN ELECTORATE): Get back in your bunks!



The CONSERVATIVE BASE bursts into the primary.

CONSERVATIVE BASE: What is with this Mickey Mouse liberalism? What in the name of Ronald W. Reagan are you animals doing in my primary?

CONSERVATIVE BASE (to CRUZ): Why is Candidate TRUMP even in the running after Iowa?! Why is Candidate TRUMP spouting all that nonsense? Why are you not stomping Candidate TRUMP’s guts out?

CRUZ: Sir, it is the candidate’s duty to inform the CONSERVATIVE BASE that Candidate TRUMP has a full magazine of populist ammo and is leading in all the polls, sir!

The CONSERVATIVE BASE and TRUMP look at each other. TRUMP continues to smile from his commanding position at the head of the polls.

The CONSERVATIVE BASE focuses all of its considerable powers of intimidation into its best John-Wayne-on-The-Sands-of-Iwo-Jima voice.

CONSERVATIVE BASE: Now you listen to me, TRUMP, and you listen good. I want that weapon, and I want it now. You will place the rifle of POPULISM on the deck at your feet and you will step back out of the Republican primary race.

With a twisted smile, TRUMP points his weapon at the CONSERVATIVE BASE.

CONSERVATIVE BASE: What is your major malfunction, ferret-face?!! Have you not destroyed enough businesses that now you have to ruin all of America? Didn’t mommy and daddy pay for your hair implants?


The CONSERVATIVE BASE is hit in the chest by a round of low-information voters. It falls back dead.

CRUZ and TRUMP stand looking at the dead body.

Then TRUMP looks at CRUZ and slowly raises his rifle, threatening to sue CRUZ over his citizenship.

CRUZ (trembling): Easy, Donald. I’ll settle for VP.

TRUMP breathes heavily, and keeps the rifle aimed at CRUZ through the remainder of the primaries. CRUZ is scared spitless.

CRUZ (still trembling): Or Secretary of State. How about Ambassador to Canada?

TRUMP stares down CRUZ through the Republican Convention, but afterwards TRUMP begins to slide ever faster in the polls during the months before the general election.

TRUMP stumbles back and sits down heavily as his campaign goes down the toilet. He stares into space as he self-destructs by putting POPULISM into his own big mouth.

CRUZ (shouting): No! If the REPUBLICAN ELECTORATE had only picked me!

TRUMP loses the general election explosively, leaving the REPUBLICAN ELECTORATE to clean up the mess and to endure eight years of President HILLARY CLINTON that easily could have been avoided.


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Life with ISIS: Safe Space The End

Friday, February 26, 2016 9:45 am

(somewhere secret in the desert)

Corporate HR Imam: The moaning has subsided enough that I think we can get on with the final unit in this training session. I think you will all really like this section. Microaggressions. Can anyone tell me what a microaggression is?

Habib: When you try to stone someone with very small rocks?

Galid: A duck!

Ali: When you kick sand in the face of an infidel?

Ahmed: When you hurl firecrackers across the Israeli border?

Galid: When you only threaten to ravish the villagers?

Ahmed: Or when you are trying to subdue the captured women of the infidel, but they only smirk and laugh and point mockingly at your manhood?

Galid: When you shout ‘Irritable bowels to the Jews’ instead of ‘Death to the Jews?’

Galid: Oh, oh. I know. When you hold up signs that say ‘Give time out to those who insult Islam.’

Ahmed: When Ali releases only a tiny bit of his noxious fumes?

Ali: I’ll kill you for that!

Corporate HR Imam: Settle down. Remember what I have told you about safe spaces. Let’s save the violence for the infidel.

Ali: I will stand it no longer! Any more insults and I will unleash all of Allah’s aggression upon you! It will be no puny microaggression, my friend, I can assure you.

Corporate HR Imam: Ok, thank you for that segue, Ali. Let’s calm down and get back to the microaggression training. None of the things you suggested is a microaggression. Here is what I mean by a microaggression. Microaggressions are the everyday verbal, nonverbal, and environmental slights, snubs, or insults, whether intentional or unintentional, that communicate hostile, derogatory, or negative messages to target persons based solely upon their marginalized group membership.

Galid: I am confused. That whole explanation only causes confusion. What is ‘marginalized group membership?’

Corporate HR Imam: I’m glad you asked that. I bet you aren’t the only one confused on that point. ‘Marginalized group membership’ is code for everyone except straight white males.

Galid: Hey, I am not white.

Ahmed: Neither am I white. Just look how swarthy I am.

Ali: So we are all part of the marginalized group?

Galid: I am confused again. I thought being marginalized was bad. How can being a mighty holy warrior of Allah be bad? Death to those who would marginalize Allah!

Corporate HR Imam: Ah, Galid. You are starting to get the picture. Being marginalized is usually bad, but in this case it works in our favor. Microaggressions are insults upon the marginalized. And what do we do when we are insulted?

Galid (thinking): Death…to those who insult Islam?

Corporate HR Imam: Exactly. Microaggressions are still aggressions, and what is the appropriate response to aggression?

Ahmed: More aggression!

Corporate HR Imam: Exactly. We are completely justified in reacting to microaggressions with aggression and violence. It is the only way. So we need to learn to what microaggressions are so we can lash out at them appropriately. For example, if you went into an eatery of the infidel and there was a bacon burger on the menu, that would be a microaggression. Can anyone think of some other examples of microaggressions you have encountered?

Habib: When I was doing recon in the men’s locker room, and that infidel with the luscious golden locks wrapped a towel around his head?

Corporate HR Imam: Good example Habib.

Habib: So I could rape him without mercy?

Corporate HR Imam: Rape, behead, stone. However the rage of Allah directs you.  All are appropriate responses to a microaggression. Anyone else have an example?

Ahmed: When I walked into a Home Depot, and the employee asked me if I needed help finding the fertilizer and nails?

Corporate HR Imam: Good, Ahmed. Anyone else?

Ali: When someone came up to me and said, “Islam is a religion of peace, right?”

Habib: When you are doing recon in the men’s locker room and you see the circumcised.

Galid: Oh, I know. If someone tried to stab me to death with a sewing needle.

Corporate HR Imam: No, Galid. That would not be a microagression.

Galid: I am so confused.

Corporate HR Imam: It’s ok, Galid. If you have any question or doubt, aggression is always a good response.

Ahmed: When you are walking past someone, and they clutch their Jew more tightly.

Ali: When someone asks you if Uber has caused a decline in your fares.

Habib: Oh, I know. When you see girls at school.

Ali: Or not wearing a burka.

Ahmed: Or a man that is not wearing a beard.

Galid: When someone strikes a mighty blow to your neck with a Nerf sword.

Corporate HR Imam: Good. All good. Except for you Galid. That still isn’t a microaggression. But I guess the bottom line is, if you find it insulting, it’s a mircoaggression, and how do we respond to microaggressions?

All: Death to the microaggressor! Death to the microaggresor! Death to the microaggressor!

Corporate HR Imam: Good, and at last we get to the beheading demonstration. Once again, our victims are some traitors within our midst. Their identities come to us courtesy of Hillary Clinton’s personal server, praise Allah. We don’t even need to bribe her foundation for her to be on our side.

Habib: Truly. Her server is less secure than Bill’s interns.

Corporate HR Imam: Mohammad? Are you still among the living? Mohammad? No, not you or you or you or you.  I’m looking for the Mohammad that will be wielding the knife in today’s demonstration. Mohammad? Oh, yes. There you are. Come on up, please.

Mohammad (comes forward swathed from head to toe in desert camo Tyvek): You will see that I am adorned in accordance with our current gowning level II requirements. Please refer to SOP 000-128-003 rev06 for the gowning level requirements for bio-hazardous situations such as the beheading of the infidel. I can’t emphasize these requirements enough. You do not want to risk getting the blood of the infidel on you. Our scientists have not yet been able to determine how the plague of Christianity has been spreading, but you would not want to risk contracting Christianity from your victims should it turn out to be a blood born pathogen.

Galid: What? Already the Jews plot to make us catch the homosexuality from hand sanitizer. Now they are trying to make us catch apostacy from the blood of the infidel. Surely the Jews are full of wile.

Mohammad: Indeed, my friend. Now, you will want to hold the knife firmly like this, and position the victim on his knees like so. Do not jerk-

(Mohammad’s head explodes and then the report of a rifle is heard)

(The crowd mulls in shocked silence for a moment)

Galid: It must be a cowardly American sniper!

Ahmed: Run away! Run away! I mean, to the village!

Habib: To the village!

Ali: To the village!

Ahmed: Quick, Ali. Provide us some cover. Release your deadly cloud.

Ali: That’s it. I’ll kill you for that.

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Life with Isis: Safe Spaces Part 4

Wednesday, February 24, 2016 9:45 am

(somewhere secret in the desert)

Corporate HR Imam: Ok, finally we can get back to the trigger warning training.

Galid: I am confused. Did we not already have the trigger warning training? My safety is on. See (pulls trigger and bullets spray into the air. Fiddles with the gun). Ok, now it is on. I think it is on.

Corporate HR Imam: No, Galid. Your safety is not a trigger warning. This is a different issue entirely. Is anyone familiar with this term? Can anyone tell me what a trigger warning is?

Habib: Is it when the rocks and trees warn us that a Jew is hiding behind it so we can pull the trigger and kill it?

Corporate HR Imam: No. Nice try. I like the way you think, but no.

Ahmed: Is it when I warn the new recruits to never under any circumstance pull Ali’s finger and trigger the gases of death?

Ali: I warned you. I’ll kill you for that!

Habib: Truly if they pulled Ali’s finger it would be the death of us all.

Ali: I’ll kill you too. I’ll kill you all! (pulls trigger. Nothing happens). Allah curse it! I can never tell if that safety is on or off. Which button do I push again?

Corporate HR Imam: Do not pull that trigger. I am warning you.

Galid: So what you just said? That is a trigger warning then?

Corporate HR Imam: No, no, no. Everybody calm down. Remember, this is supposed to be a safe space where Ali is free to stink without fear of reprisal.

Habib: But where is our space to be free from the putrescence of Ali?

Corporate HR Imam: That is not important. What are important are Ali’s feelings.

Galid: But I am confused-

Ahmed: Shouldn’t you be used to that by now?

Galid: Best mind your words. My safety is off, my friend. No, wait. I just turned it on. So the gun will shoot now. But if the gun won’t shoot, then I am less safe, so the safety is on. I am so confused.

Corporate HR Imam: Just everybody forget about your weapons and let’s have nobody shoot anybody right now, ok, and let’s get through the trigger warning section so we can have time for the beheadings. I know we all want to see that , right? Ok, so a trigger warning is this. A trigger warning is a statement at the start of a piece of writing, video, etc., alerting the reader or viewer to the fact that it contains potentially distressing material. Does this make sense? Let’s look at some examples. Here is the special director’s cut of Schindler’s List. A trigger warning for this might be: Warning – this film contains fanciful depictions of the Holocaust that did not occur but may nonetheless cause the breasts of holy mujahedeen to swell with rapturous glee. Do not watch unless a doctor recommends your heart is healthy enough for sex.

Crowd: Death to the Jews! Death to the Jews! (pointing guns into the air and firing. Only Galid’s discharges)

Corporate HR Imam: I think you are getting the hang of it. Here is another one. (Holds up a copy of I am Cait starring Caitlyn Jenner) A trigger warning for this one might be: Warning – this film depicts the transformation of a haggard, old attention gigolo into a haggard, old attention whore. The abomination presented may induce the viewer to either hang his television or hurl it to its death from a high building.

Habib: Abomination! Why, Bruce? You were dreamy just the way Allah made you.

Corporate HR Imam: See? Just the picture on the DVD cover is already causing Habib emotional distress. Let’s look at another one. (Holds up a copy of Season One of HBO’s Girls, starring Lena Dunham) A trigger warning for this one might be: Warning – (interrupted by stone striking the DVD) Who threw that?

Ahmed (sheepishly): But I can see the hairy, unwashed buttocks of the infidel!

Ali: I am pretty sure that is the face of the infidel.

Ahmed: You mean those lumps are not hemorrhoids?

Ali: Nasal hemorrhoids, maybe.  Is that normal for a girl?  Is that why they veil their faces?

Habib: Do we really want 72 of them?  Or is that just me?

Ahmed: Death to girls!

Crowd: Death to girls! Death to girls! Death to girls!

Corporate HR Imam (dodging a barrage of stones): Ouch, Allah curse it! Stop it! Stop it! Please refrain from stoning the DVD until I give you permission. Let’s get back to the trigger warning. Warning – this film depicts pale, pudgy women without burkas engaging in relations that will cause the bowels of the mujahedeen to writhe with irritability and the loins to shrivel. May induce homosexuality in the viewers or an intense need to stone the DVD. (throws the DVD to the ground). You may proceed to stone.

Crowd stones the DVD into oblivion

Corporate HR Imam: I think you are getting the hang of it. Let’s show one last example. (holds up the Quran). The trigger warning might be: Warning – reading this book may induce extreme feelings of peace and induce one to love one’s neighbor, treating all with kindness and respect regardless of race, gender or creed. Following its precepts will cause one to forgive and return kindness to insults and affronts. Under no circumstances will it induce one to rape and pillage.

Galid: But, uh, I am confused….

Corporate HR Imam: Just kidding. Got ya! Here’s the real one. Warning – this book may induce one to submit to Allah, join the global caliphate, wage violent Jihad against the infidels and behead those who insult Islam. The subjugation of women and cruel and unusual punishment are icing on the cake. Ok, we’re almost done now and will soon be able to move on to the beheading demonstration, Allah willing. We just have to make it through the unit on microaggressions.

Corporate HR Lackey (running toward the group with the box of action figures): I think I have them all. When is the clock boy going to have them deactivated? Where do you want them? (jiggles the box vigorously)

Bernie Sanders Action Figure: Who put the Bengay in my boxers?  I can feel the bern! (explodes)

Trump Action Figure: You’re fired! (explodes)

(The smoke clears and the limbs once again return to earth)

Corporate HR Imam: By the brides of Mohammad! (into the megaphone) I need another clean up on hill 7. A clean up on hill 7.  (muttering to himself) Looks like I brought way too many training forms…again.

Galid: I think maybe you should put a trigger warning on the action figures. Something like: Warning – do not pull the string unless you are an infidel.

Corporate HR Imam: That isn’t really a trigger warning, Galid.  Just a regular warning.

Galid: What? I am so confused.

(to be continued, maybe, if I feel like it)

On a completely unrelated subject, I’m gonna have to head down to the Houston area next week, and I seem to recall that a number of the commenters hale from the great state of Texas. Are there any must see sights, attractions, BBQ joints, etc. that I should check out while I am in town?

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Life with Isis: Safe Spaces Part 3

Tuesday, February 23, 2016 9:45 am

Life with Isis – Safe Space Part 3

(somewhere secret in the desert)

Bernie Sanders Action Figure: Free lunches for everybody. Put it on that guy’s tab over there.

Hillary Clinton Doll: White water? Sounds like a microagression to me.

Trump Action Figure: If Ivanka weren’t my daughter, I’d totally crush that.

Hillary Clinton Doll: It takes a village to raze an embassy.

Corporate HR Imam: By Allah’s mighty beard, which of you are still playing with the bomb dolls?

Crowd collectively shrugs

Habib (points toward the orphan pen where the Corporate HR Lackey is distributing the action figures to the orphans)

Corporate HR Imam: OMA! What in the name of Mohammad are you doing?

Corporate HR Lackey: I thought we were supposed to give the dolls to the orphans.

Corporate HR Imam: Not until we can get them deactivated again, you stupid scat of the infidel!

Corporate HR Lackey: Huh? What are you talking about?

Corporate HR Imam: The explosions! The bloody limbs! Are you not paying attention?

Bernie Sanders Action Figure: Oy, if these debates get any longer, I’ll need a single payer catheter.

Corporate HR Lackey: What? I’ve heard your safe space speech like a billions times, so I was checking out reddit on my phone. Did I miss something?

Corporate HR Imam: The bombs are activated!

Corporate HR Lackey: No!

Trump Action Figure: Bankruptcy. Nothing wrong with that. A perfectly legitimate business model.

Corporate HR Imam: Yes! Get them back from the fodder. Just stop passing them out and take back the ones you already passed out before the orphans blow themselves up and you along with them! Go, go, go. If those orphans die, corporate will have your head on a spike, and you know I am speaking literally.

Corporate HR Lackey: I know. I know. Children are our future.

Corporate HR Imam: No, children are our weapons.

Hillary Clinton Doll: Bill’s attitudes toward women? Let me vag-splain it to you.

Corporate HR Imam: Better hurry it up. (grumbles to himself) I gotta stop hiring these stupid millennials from liberal arts colleges.

Corporate HR Lackey hurriedly chases down the action figures.

Corporate HR Imam: Everybody, let’s try and ignore the orphans and return our focus on trigger warnings.

(to be continued, maybe, if I feel like it)

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Life With ISIS: Safe Spaces Part 2

Monday, February 22, 2016 9:45 am

(somewhere secret in the desert)

Corporate HR Imam: Now that the dead and wounded have been pushed aside, I think things have settled down enough that we can get back to the safe space training.

Trump Action Figure: Vote for me or I’ll sue you.

Hillary Clinton Doll: Chelsea, get that cigar out of your mouth. You don’t know where it’s been.

Corporate HR Imam: Ok everybody, stop playing with the action figures of death. Right now. Or better yet, pass them all forward. Pass them up. Everybody. That’s right. Pass them up.

Crowd: (grumbling)

Corporate HR Imam: Ok, is that all of them? It better be. If I see anyone with one, they will be banned from the goat pen.

(a dozen more action figures are anonymously hurled toward the Imam)

Corporate HR Imam: Let’s get started then. Can anyone tell me what I mean by a safe space?

Ahmed: An underground bunker that will protect us from the weapons of the infidel.

Ali: And from the mighty golem of the Jews.

Galid: Nothing can keep us safe from the golem of the Jews, my friend. That is dark, dark magic.

Corporate HR Imam: Good responses all, but that is not the kind of safe space I am talking about.

Habib: Oh I know. A room with strong air filters to protect us from the mighty flatulence of Ali.

Galid: That is true. We should just put Ali into a dirty bomb. Jerusalem would not be inhabitable again.

Ali: How many times have I told you guys, it is a condition. I can’t help it. This is the way Allah made me. You guys suck! You all suck!

Corporate HR Imam: Ok, good. This is good. This is an example of what I will be talking about. Ali, how did Habib’s and Galid’s comments make you feel.

Ali: Filled with the righteous anger of Allah!

Corporate HR Imam: Really? And what else? Come on. You can tell us.   We are all friends here.

Ali: Angry…..

Corporate HR Imam: And?

Habib: Slightly aroused?

Corporate HR Imam: Let Ali answer, Habib. How did it make you feel?

Ali: And hurt, ok. It hurt my feelings.

Corporate HR Imam: Good Ali. And that is what I am talking about. A safe space is a place where Ali can go and feel safe and secure that no one will make fun of him and hurt his feelings.

Ahmed: I vote that Ali’s safe space be in the middle of the Negev. Surely that is distant enough to keep us safe from the wafting of his noxious fumes.

Ali: Shut up! I’ll kill you for that!

Habib: Shall I rape him first, Allah willing?  I’ll be gentle.

Corporate HR Imam: What the….? No raping.  No killing. Save the killing and the raping for the infidels. Within our own camp we all need to feel safe and secure and respected and loved. Ahmed, do you see how what you said, even if it was in jest, could have been hurtful?

Ahmed: Yeah. Maybe. If Ali were a woman.

Galid: Perhaps Ali would feel safer in a burka.

Habib: And the fumes of death would have a harder time escaping the voluminous folds.

Ali: That’s it. I’m gonna behead you all for that. I’ll do it.

Corporate HR Imam: Stop it!  Put down your sword, Ali.  There will be no beheading of anyone until the demonstration following the training. Now let’s all calm down and get back on task or we might not have time for the beheading demonstration at all. What I am seeing here is a pure example of why you all need to learn about safe spaces. Listen carefully while I define a safe space. A safe space is a place where anyone can relax and be able to fully express, without fear of being made to feel uncomfortable, unwelcome, or unsafe on account of biological sex, race/ethnicity, sexual orientation, gender identity or expression, cultural background, religious affiliation, age, or physical or mental ability. A place where the rules guard each person’s self-respect and dignity and strongly encourage everyone to respect others.

Ali: What, in the name of Allah? Fully express? Is that even proper Arabic? What does that even mean?

Ahmed: Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. What part of the Holy Quran are you getting this from?

Galid: Yeah, I am confused. Gender identity and expression? Sexual orientation? Are we not commanded to make the world unsafe for such abominations?

Ali: And tolerance of religious affiliation? I thought there was only one true God, Allah, and Mohammad is his prophet. There is no other religion. Is that not why Allah created the scimitar and the stone?

Galid: Are you sure this so-called safe space is not a filthy beguilement of the Jews?   I spit upon the safe spaces.  As Allah is my witness, no space will be safe.

Habib: Surely is Galid’s confusion warranted in this case. For I too am confused. Has not Allah decreed that there are no safe spaces for the homosexual and the infidel? Has not Mohammad said that even the rocks and the trees will cry out to us that ‘here is a Jew hiding behind me, come and kill it?’ Should we be more tolerant than these pure creations of Allah?

Corporate HR Imam: Fine. I’ll take your concerns back to corporate. In the meantime, please just sign the training forms so we can get this over with.

Galid: I spit upon the forms of training. They reek of the trickery of the Jews. Are you sure you are not a shape-changing Jew in disguise?

Bernie Sanders Action Figure (hurtling toward the HR Imam, its string dangling from behind): Marty, I think it is possible that you may be your own father. (bounces of the Imam’s chest)

Ali (whispering): So this one decides not to blow up.

Corporate HR Imam: Ok, who threw that?

Crowd (no one fesses up)

Corporate HR Imam: Any more attempts at my life and I will cancel the beheading demonstration and make the goat pens off limits for a month. I’m serious. I’ll just assume you all understand about the safe spaces, so let’s quickly move on to the last part of the training: Trigger Warnings.

(to be continued, maybe, if I feel like it)

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Pensacon pre-show

Monday, February 22, 2016 9:00 am

I went to Pensacon on Friday. That’s the Pensacola Comic Con. It’s in Pensacola. But I bet you figured that out by now. I’m not much of a convention kinda guy, but The Doctor was there, and it was one I hadn’t met. Which is most of them.

Peter Davison

Peter Davison, The Doctor (1982-1983: Stories 117 – 136).

Anyway, it was crowded. At least, the line to get in was crowded. I got sunburned from standing in line, and am still a little uncomfortable. I’m still more than frustrated over the line to get in. I’m kinda ticked off. And, I wasn’t the only one. Many in that line were not happy about it. But let me tell you about this one guy.

After two hours standing in the sun, we (that is, I and the people immediately around me) had advanced to near the stations where actual passes were issued. This is not as good as it sounds. All that meant was that we were now at the turn around point, and had to proceed through the queue that now moved away from the entrance back to the road, then back to the entrance and the passes stations.

When we got to the turn-around point near the entrance, we could see the six stations. They were numbered 1-6. Stations 1 and 2 were handling Will Call. That was us. We had purchased tickets ahead of time, already paid for them, had printout receipts from which our actual passes would be issued.

What about stations 3-6? Well, those were for on-site sales. People who hadn’t purchased tickets in advance, but simply wanted to walk up, hand over money, and go in.

How many were in the Will Call queue? Hundreds. Handled by two stations.

How many were in the On-Site Sales queue? None. Zero. Handled by four stations.

That made us not very happy. It made one person in particular not very happy. And he let them know about it.

Our Hero stood up on the railing, waved to get the attention of one of the cashiers (number 5, I think it was), and yelled out his questions.

“You not Will Call?”

She shook her head, unsure, it seemed, of where this conversation might go.

“People who haven’t already bought a ticket?”

The crowd was quiet now. All conversation had stopped. The Pensacola police officer a little ways down to the left hadn’t yet made his appearance. At least, I didn’t see him at that time.

“So if I get out of this line I’ve been in, go over there and give you money, I can get a pass right now and go on in?”

Number 5 slowly nodded.

Mr. Unhappy proceeded to march his unhappy ass through the queue and over to Station 5. She had left her post about that time, and had, it appeared, gone to get someone to deal with Loud Mouth.

With Station 5 abandoned, Loud Mouth went to the next station. Number 4 was a quiet, unassuming young lady, not quite sure what Fate had bestowed upon her.

“I want to buy a ticket to get in.” A credit card and driver’s licence was produced and handed to Number 4, who took it and began typing.

About that time, some young Bernie Sanders voter-looking fellow showed up and asked what was the problem.

“This is ridiculous. You got two people handling hundreds in Will Call and these four handling nobody. Whoever is in charge of this is incompetent. Is that you?”

BSV didn’t actually address the question, but said that there were three people handling Will Call, and four handling Sales. He didn’t explain how three stations plus four stations equals six stations. Bernie Sanders math, I suppose.

“That’s nuts. You got all these people done paid their money and they been waiting hours, and these people over here (pointing to Stations 3-6) not doing anything.”

“You need to calm down. Lower your voice.”

You need to fix this.”

Number 4 spoke up. “He’s already in the system. He already purchased tickets.”

“That’s right. And I’ve been waiting hours in that line, while you got two people working that line. These other people, you need to put some resources on Will Call and get it moving.”

“We have three on Will Call and four on Sales.”

“You need to put your resources where the demand is.”

“Nobody else is complaining.”

It went back and forth. Finally, BSV said, “You’ve already paid. We’ll issue you your pass, and…”

“No no no no. All these people here? That would mean I’ve jumped them in line simply by being an ass. That’s wrong. No. Don’t do that to them. I’m not going to. I’m in the sales line, and I’m going to pay for another ticket. But you need to get this fixed.”

“We have three on Will Call and four on Sales.”

“And that’s not how you need to be doing it. If you knew anything about business, you’d put your efforts where they’re needed.”

I was unable to hear what BSV said as he left Number 4 to finish dealing with Our Hero.

The tone was lower now, and the conversation wasn’t audible to the front of the line, but there were smiles from Number 4 and Loud Mouth as they concluded the transaction.

With a look of both disgust and satisfaction, Mr. Unhappy then proceeded towards the doors, past the Pensacola police officer who seems to have been waiting to see how this would turn out. Approaching the doors, Loud But Not Vulgar stopped in mid step, then slowly proceeded to the long line to actually enter.

It was about 30 minutes before Our Hero made it into the actual building. It was about 30-45 minutes before the group Mr. Unhappy had been in queue with made it through the Will Call and to the next line.

Was he crazy? He was angry. Maybe crazy, too.

I was crazy. I got up early, drove to Pensacola, stood in line for hours, got inside, found Peter Davison, got his autograph on six DVDs, and left. That’s the only thing I was there for. Pensacon fell on a bad time again this year, but I’ve seen his appearance schedule and it was the best opportunity in 2016 for me to get Peter Davison’s signature.

So, ten hours total driving, a few hours in lines, and spending over $200 for autographs of one person? Yep, I’m thinking I’m the crazy one.

Pensacon, by the way, did assign some additional resources to Will Call. But not enough. After I got the autographs and left, the line was still stretched out to the driveway, down the sidewalk, and up to the road. Hundreds who had missed the Pre-Show entertainment.

I’m not sure who was the winner in all this. Peter Davison, I think.

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Saturday, February 20, 2016 12:52 am

I am continuing my rather lazy campaigning for Donald Trump here in addition to my two whole posts on my own blog. Why lazy? Because meh. I just can’t get too trumped up about anyone. See what I did there?

Look, Frank J obviously hates Donald Trump, maybe because Trump poked a hole in his bicycle tire when he was a kid, which is something Trump is known to do in response to a Twitter comment, and so I feel like I need to say something about that. He’s missing the whole point of Trump. Yes I get that so many of his supporters sound like Ron Paul! crazies, and there is probably a high probability that some of them are exactly the same people, but that is not a reason to not get behind Trump. I’ve said this several times elsewhere, but Trump is the nuclear option here folks.

Wait, better yet, he is the Nuke the Moon option. Do you nuke the Moon because it really needs to be nuked? No. The Moon doesn’t care. It’s just another crater as far as it’s concerned. You know, if it could be concerned about anything, which it isn’t because it’s just s stupid rock floating up there being stupid. You nuke the Moon because it’s a psychological tool. In Frank J’s brilliant-ish quasi-intelligent piece about nuking the Moon, he clearly demonstrates that it is a way for the US to get the world to take us seriously and respect us. While also looking crazy. But that is besides the point. Unless the point is that nobody messes with the really crazy dude in prison. Then that is entirely the point exactly.

Voting for Trump is the same thing. The difference is, it is getting the Republican party to be afraid of the voters. Does anyone but weird crazy Trumpeters think that the orange-crusted Donald Trump would be a wonderful president? No, of course not. I mean, he could be, but I wouldn’t lose money betting on it. There is a possibility he would gild the entire White House like his Manhattan apartment and make it look like an episode of the Jersey Shore and Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous crashed into each other and exploded, and consider that his legacy. But it is definitely nuking the Moon of politics. Or “nuking politics” you could say. I would say that, because that is sort of my thing.

So vote Trump. Because Carson is a soft-spoken kinda scientifically-challenged nut, Rubio, Bush, and Kasich are the same old crap, and Cruz is a pathological liar. And also because Trump scares pretty much everyone in power, everywhere. Even the Pope. I mean, the last presidential candidate that made the whole world happy to get elected was Obama. How’d that work out?

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Life With ISIS – Safe Space Part 1

Friday, February 19, 2016 9:45 am

(somewhere secret in the desert)

Corporate HR Imam: Welcome warriors of Allah. I’m glad you could make it today. We will be getting to the safe space training in just a minute, but first we have a few items of business to discuss. For those of you who have volunteered to infiltrate the west as refugees, we have ‘restocked’ our inventory of orphans. Check with security after the training and they will issue you your fake IDs and assign you an orphan.  Once you have made it to your assigned country, please don’t forget to recycle your orphans so we can reuse them. Orphans are harder to come by than you might think. Our bombs aren’t that discriminating. Ok, they aren’t discriminating at all. And our warriors have to hide behind somebody.

Crowd: (laughs)

Corporate HR Imam: And don’t forget that following the safe space training, we will be having the special demonstration on proper beheading techniques. But before we get started, we have a special guest with us today. Welcome Ahmed the Clock Boy. With the Caliphate reestablished, it is time to bring the seat of science and technological development back to Islam, and this little prodigy is here to help us make that dream a reality. He has invented something special for us already. Ahmed, I turn the sands over to you.

Ahmed the Clock Boy: Thank you, Imam. As you may have heard, my school bomb did not work, but I have been making more inventions with which to overthrow the Great Satan, praise Allah. I have action figures of the leaders of the Great Satan that I have modified to humiliate America and bring the infidels to their knees. See, I have a Donald Trump action figure. See what it does when I pull this string. (pulls string)

Trump Action Figure: I have a way bigger d**k than that p***y Ted Cruz. Trust me. It’s YUGE!

Habib: Oh, my.  I want to be the judge of that.

Ahmed the Clock Boy: And I have a Bernie Sanders Action Figure. (pulls string)

Bernie Sanders Action Figure: Free crap. Get your free crap. It’ll only cost you everything.

Ahmed the Clock Boy: And a Hillary Clinton doll. (pulls string)

Hillary Clinton Doll: Bleat, baaaaaaaaaa! Pardon me. Sometimes I slip into my native tongue.

Mohammed: OMA! It is like the witchcraft of the Jews. The little idols of the Great Satan are speaking.

Ali: Stone them!

Corporate HR Imam: No, put down the stones. No stoning. Let him explain.

Ahmed the Clock Boy: It is not witchcraft, my friends. It is simple technology Allah has blessed us with to usher in Dar al Islam. We will give them to the fake orphans, and CAIR has agreed to distribute them throughout America where they will lay dormant, our cells of sleeper toys. They are completely harmless, or so it seems. But watch what happens when I activate them by satellite with this remote control. (pushed button on remote)

Ali: Hey, these boxes are full of action figures. There are enough for everybody. Here, we can all try them out. (He throws them into the crowd. The members of the crowd begin pulling the strings)

Ahmed the Clock Boy: No! Wait! They have been activated. Stop pulling the strings! Stop pulling the strings!

Hillary Clinton Doll: Wipe it? You mean with a cloth?

Bernie Sanders Action Figure: Marty, your mom’s way hot!

Ahmed the Clock Boy: Stop it right now! Stop pulling the strings!

Trump Action Figure: Your house would look better if it was a parking structure with my limo parked in it.

Hillary Clinton Doll: I will not rest until the man who made that video pays.

Bernie Sanders Action Figure: Oy, last night I had a wet dream about Marx and Engels.

Ahmed the Clock Boy: You must stop! Everybody! Please! There is something wrong. I cannot deactivate them.

Trump Action Figure: You’re fired! (explodes)

Bernie Action Figure: 1.21 gigawatts! 1.21 gigawatts! (explodes)

Hillary Clinton Doll: Oh, Huma. My loins are on fire! (explodes)

(The smoke clears and the limbs return to earth)

Hillary Clinton Doll (slurring): What difference at this point does it make?

Ahmed the Clock Boy: That’s why I was saying to stop pulling the strings. Once the dolls are activated, certain random phrases will cause them to rein fiery death upon the infidel.

Momar (pulls string on action figure)

Trump Action Figure: You’re fired! (explodes)

(The smoke clears again and the limbs once again return to earth)

Ahmed the Clock Boy: You fools! None of you deserves to be martyred. No virgins for you.

Corporate HR Imam: Welcome to ISIS, Ahmed. (into megaphone) Clean up on hill 7. We need a clean up on hill 7. (to those who remain uninjured) Give us just a few moments, everyone, and we will get started with the safe space training.

Galid: I am confused. It does not seem like this is a very safe space to give a presentation on a safe space.

(to be continued, maybe, if I feel like it)

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We’ve All Been There

Wednesday, February 17, 2016 4:00 pm

New TVs with face-scanning technology will be able to instantly measure a viewer’s reaction to a TV show.

For example, measuring the redness of the bleary-eyed Netflix binge-watcher on hour 17 of “Agents of SHIELD”.

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