(somewhere secret in the desert)
Corporate HR Imam: Welcome everybody to our first open enrollment fair. Now that Baghdadi has announced the caliphate, we will be able to fully implement Sharia which means many new and exciting benefits will be coming your way this year. You may be wondering why we had Bring Your Daughter to Work Day the same day we are having the open enrollment fair. Don’t worry. You’ll have plenty of time this afternoon to share the rough and tumble workday of the ISIS mujahideen with your daughters. But we wanted your daughters here today so they can enjoy the new benefits immediately. As you are all aware, under Allah’s law, healthcare is not a privilege but a right. May I please direct all your daughters to the Healthcare Tent to my right so they can get their free vaccinations and genital mutilations?
Ahmed: Wait a minute. Did I just hear you right? You want to vaccinate my daughter?
Galid: I am confused. I thought that vaccinations were a fiendish plot by the Jews to give us the autism.
Corporate HR Imam: Claims that vaccines cause autism have been thoroughly debunked. You have nothing to fear.
Galid: Ah, but is that not what the Jews would want us to think?
Ahmed: Was not Jonas Salk a Jew? You expect me to believe that a Jew would cure polio and invent vaccines out of the goodness of his black heart? Surely Allah laughs at such a thing.
Ali: Death to vaccines!
All ululating and shooting into the air
Galid: Death to autism!
Ahmed: Death to free preventative medicine!
Ali: Death to declining infant mortality rates!
Habib: Death to AIDS!
Corporate HR Imam: Calm down, everyone. Calm down. I can guarantee you that the vaccines are safe. I’ll be getting them myself.
Galid: I am confused. Do you expect me to believe that such great minds as Charlie Sheen and Jenny McCarthy could be mistaken? Allah forfend. How could this be?
Ahmed: Yes. I do not want my daughter to catch the autism.
Galid: Yes. Yes. My daughter is already too smart. We have kept her out of school, but it does no good. If she got the autism and could then do the counting better than me and beat me every time at the blackjack, the shame would be too great. I would have to honor kill her, Allah forbid.
Corporate HR Imam: Let’s think about this logically for a minute. Why would the Jews want to give any of us autism? What good would that do?
Ahmed: Have you ever tried to brainwash a child with autism?
Ali: Yes. It does no good. They just stare off into space and hit the ground with a stick. I cannot even get them to ululate. If all our young recruits had the autism….
Galid: Maybe if there were casinos of the Great Satan around here, we could use the autisms for fundraising, but then Allah forbids us from gambling. I am so confused.
Ahmed: But it is not gambling, my friend, if it is a sure thing.
Corporate HR Imam: Why do I get the feeling that everything you know about autism you learned from watching Rainman? You probably are not aware that we already have some mujahideen with autism, and their skills are very valuable to our cause. Rainmomar? Are you here? Please come forward Rainmomar.
Rainmomar: 50,217 mujahideen. 50,000…50,217.
Corporate HR Imam: Rainmomar has been very helpful to our cause.
Rainmomar: 5,356,125,342 infidels left to behead. 5,356,125,342 infidels.
Corporate HR Imam: He handles all our numbers for us.
Rainmomar: 13 bullets. 13 bullets in your magazine. 13.
Ali: Ah. See! He is wrong. My magazine holds 30 bullets.
Corporate HR Imam: But did you not just shoot many into the air?
Ali: Oh yeah. Wow. He is right. I only have 13 left.
Corporate HR Imam: He is great for our logistics and planning. And you wouldn’t believe how much time he saves us during our annual inventory accounting.
Rainmomar: 106,660 beheadings per mujahideen. 100,000…..106,660 beheadings.
Corporate HR Imam: See? He’s better than an abacus. If we can meet our stretch goals for massive destruction and recruiting, we hope to get that beheading ratio cut in half by the end of Q4. Thank you, Rainmomar. You may sit down.
Rainmomar (mumbling): 12 minutes to drone attack. 12. 12 minutes.
Corporate HR Imam: What was that? No bother. Lets’ get back on track and talk about the exciting new benefit package under full Sharia.
(To be continued, maybe, if I feel like it)