And to add to the growing list of Obama administration scandals.

• Sasha was expelled from her private school due to an essay she wrote about her favorite heroine.  It was titled: I Like My Heroin Black-Tar, Like My Men.
• She was expelled because it was a second offense.  Her first essay was: Choom From My Father.

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Uh, oh.  I just got another Tax Court summons.  Looks like I’ve been targeted by the IRS.  I wonder why?  Is it because:

• They found out I attended my 6 year old daughter’s tea party.
• It turns out the tax benefit for purchasing a green vehicle has nothing to do with its color. 
• I can’t claim the half dozen hobos I have shackled in my crawlspace as dependents.
• I voluntarily gave to charity and not the government.
• The lean-to in the backyard where I store the kids doesn’t count as a tax shelter.
• Blade 1, 2 and 3 are in my Netflix queue.
• Paying myself $20,000/year to homeschool my own kids cannot be written off as an education expense.
• Purchasing copious copies of Twilight novels to repurpose them as toilet paper can’t be written off as a recycling project.
• I’m not alleviated from the tax liability just because I’m selling those organs on the internet.
• Nor am I alleviated from the tax liability just because I’m paid for those organs under the table in white slaves.
• They expect me to pay FICA for each of my identities.
• When I gift something to one of my other personalities, that isn’t considered a legally binding transaction for tax purposes.
• Not all of the pharmaceutical products I buy or sell count as medical expenses.
• I’ve been promoting homeschooling your hellions.
• They found out I was guest blogging here.

[Cross posted at Nuking Politics]

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And to add to the growing list of Obama administration scandals.

• Extensive intelligence testing conducted by the DNC has concluded that Joe Biden really is the intellectual leader of the Democratic Party.
• Thirty-nine families in the upper Chicago area were killed recently when their community collapsed due to being improperly organized decades ago by a fledgling Obama.

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It sure seems like the press is actually beginning to pay attention to some of the Obama administration scandals.  Could it be that the press is finally beginning to lose its bias?  Of course not.  That would be silly.  According to my connections in the State Department, these superficial scandals are just a diversion to cover up for the really embarrassing scandals that are being actively suppressed.  I’ll be slowly leaking these scandals out over the coming week as I am able to uncover them.

• Michelle Obama provided legal advice to the Baker’s Union associated with the bankruptcy of Hostess and is vested in the private venture capital group that has purchased the Hostess recipes.
• The NAACP has begun to officially question Obama’s ‘black authenticity’ since leaked security footage from the White House locker room depicts him slathering himself with spray tan and insta-perm.

[Cross posted at Nuking Politics]

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The boy heard about Dr. Razeqi’s newly invented time machine yesterday, so we had to have the discussion about whether we should go back in time and kill off Hitler.  While I am not a fan of the Hitler, a history without Hitler would leave me unable to label my political enemies Nazis or ‘worse than Hitler,’ so I don’t think killing him would be the best approach because then I might have to elevate my dialog and make lucid and logical arguments.  Maybe I could just go back in time, buy all his paintings for way more than they were worth and tell him, “Good job! Don’t stop!  Keep up the good work!”

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Read a story the other day about how a wealthy Manhattan family would hire a handicapped person to take to Disney World with them so they could cut to the front of the line.  It suddenly became clear to me why Obama chose Biden as a running mate.  There are all sorts of advantages to having a mentally handicapped fellow on the team.  Like these:

• The Presidential cavalcade can now use the handicapped parking zones.
• The Obama’s no longer have to troll the inner city for mentally deficient vagrants to put in the stocks for ridicule during their traditional Quasimodo Mondays.
• Biden is unlikely to notice that Bo is subtly different every week or so.
• He is always willing to trade his disability and social security checks for a shiny nickel.
• Sasha has a cartoon buddy.
• While his brain don’t work so good, all the rest of his organs are easily transferrable.
• When Palin comes to visit, Trig will have someone to play with.
• It’s good to have someone around that Barack can occasionally beat at Old Maid.
• Barney Frank now has someone in the administration that will voluntarily sit on his knee.
• Barack has a ready scape goat for his IBS and scatological aromas.
• It’s nice to have someone in the administration who is always willing to go to bat for Amtrak and light rail.  Biden likes choo-choos.
• For tax purposes, they can claim Joe as a dependent, and he is none the wiser.
• He doesn’t mind putting either or both feet in his mouth whenever necessary.
• He can be an incredibly passionate advocate for abortion because he truly believes you are only harming storks and cabbages.

[Cross posted at Nuking Politics]

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[High Praise! to Rodney Dill]

In answer to the straight line “Asked about secretly obtaining phone records on AP journalists, Eric Holder…”, Rodney responded as follows:

_______________

said, “I wasn’t acting as AG… I’m really only half AG…

Take it away Eric the Orchestra Leader

A-one, two, a-one two three four

Half AG, philosophically,
Must, ipso facto, be not AG.
But half AG has got to be
Vis a vis, its entity. D’you see?

But can AG be said to be
Or not to be an entire AG
When half the AG is not AG
Due to some recent perjury?

-singing

La dee dee, one two three,
Eric the half AG.
A B C D E F G,
Eric the half AG.

Is this wretched dumb-AG,
Half-asleep, caught by AP,
Some freak from a menagerie?
No! It’s Eric the half AG!

Fiddle de dum, Fiddle de dee,
Eric the half AG.
Ho ho ho, tee hee hee,
Eric the half AG.

I love this jive, employee-ee,
bisected incidentally,
One summer afternoon by AP,
Loved just like Jay Carney.

Loved just like Jay Carney,
Semi-Jay Carney.

The End”
_______________

[reference link]

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[High Praise! to zzyzx]

If you don’t know CSNY’s “Ohio”, watch the video first so you get the tune in your head before reading this:
_______________

IRS Agents and Holder coming,
We’re finally on our own.
This summer I see the obstructing,
More red tape by Ohio.

Gotta get down to it
IRS is obstructing the TEA Party down
Obama had it done long ago.
What if you knew her
And found her taxed on the ground
How can you file when you know?

Gotta get down to it
IRS is taxing us down
Obama had it done long ago.
What if you knew her
And found her taxed on the ground
How can you file when you know?

IRS Agents and Holder coming,
We’re finally on our own.
This summer I see the obstructing,
More red tape by Ohio.

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Aw, have you seen poor little Obama lately? That special guy just seems so scared and confused about all the scandals going on. And he doesn’t know anything about any of them! I mean, he’s just the president; it’s not like its his job to know what’s going on with the government.

And Obama’s all like, “Well, I guess you’ll have to talk to the Attorney General, Eric Holder. Oh, he doesn’t know anything either. I guess you’ll have to talk to his supervisor. Wait, that’s me. I guess you’ll have to talk to my supervisor then. I think that’s Bush.”

And now some people are worried that all this incompetence and lack of accountability will cause people to lose faith in government. Of course, conservatives have always said we shouldn’t have faith in government because it will constantly fail, but no one believed us until we were smart enough to get a bunch of incompetent liberals elected to demonstrate it. Now we can just point at the Obama administration and say, “See. This is why you don’t trust the government to do things. Wait… what? You already turned health care over to it?! Idiots!”

And I bet Obama had big plans for his second term — probably all drawn out on construction paper with crayon and everything. Well, maybe he can turn things around and get a huge majority in Congress in 2014 and ram through his agenda again — that would probably finish the country off. More likely, though, Obama will just flounder around lamely for three and half more years. And that’s the best case scenario for the country right now.

But 2016 will come, and then I can be elected president. And I will not tolerate any scandals in government. If I hear of one guy doing something wrong in the IRS, I will blow up the entire headquarters. I will drone strike it. And by the end of my term as president, we will have built multiple new prisons just to hold all the politicians and bureaucrats I will be prosecuting. That’s my promise.

Frank J. 2016: Make them pay. Make them all pay.

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[The group is now back at their campsite. Rick, Glenn Beck, Ted Nugent, Carl, Barack, Michelle and her pets are surrounding their campfire, a spontaneously and perpetually burning Chevy Volt.  Bill is tied to a tree and muzzled to prevent his escape.]

BARACK: How can you live like this-is-is-is? Your community? It’s not even organized-ized-ized-ized.  Father?  Father? Father? Is that you? What? You want your dreams back? The AUDACITY!

GLENN: Michelle, I don’t want to be the prophet of doom.  Oh, wait a minute.  Yes I do.  But, anyway, this plan of yours is suicide. 

TED: He’s right.  One does not simply walk into DC. Its black gates are guarded by more than just scraggly hippies. There is evil there that does not sleep. The great eye is ever watchful. It is a barren wasteland, riddled with fire, ash, and dust. The very air you breathe is a poisonous fume. Not with ten thousand men could you do this. It is folly.

GLENN: Have you been to DC since this all began?

MICHELLE: Well, no.  Like usual, we were all on vacation at the time.

GLENN: (setting up a blackboard, pulling out his chalk and preparing his exposition) Let me give you a history lesson.  Here is a recap of what happened in DC while you were away.  Mistake number 1: You left Joe Biden in charge.  When the crisis hit, his first action was to invoke the DC Emergency Preparedness Protocol which recommended that the citizens evacuate their homes and gather in the local schools.  Mistake number 2: He insisted on maintaining the schools’ gun-free zone policies.  Anyone turning up at the evacuation site with a gun was arrested and put into temporary holding camps.

TED: I was in one of those camps.  I was in town helping with an NRA lobby group.   But they weren’t able to arrest me.  I was too wily.  I broke into the camp for my own good.  Safest place in the city.

GLENN: Needless to say, the schools were rapidly overrun.  They held out as long as they could, but those big red dodge balls just weren’t lethal enough.  And since in DC dodge ball had been banned in schools for so long because it was considered too violent, everyone pretty much sucked at it.  Meanwhile, Joe Biden had barricaded himself in the White House.  Mistake number 3: When the zombies arrived, he got his shotgun and shot them through the door.  That gave them the breach they needed, and they broke in and the White House has fallen.

TED: But that’s not the worst of it.

GLENN: You better tell this part, Ted.  It’s hard to swallow.

TED: I’ve seen it.  There is something leading the zombies in DC.  It’s smarter.  Faster.  More ideal.  It is a zombie John F. Kennedy.

BARACK: I’ve seen myself.  And I, sir, am no JFKKKKKKKK.

MICHELLE: That’s impossible.  JFK was shot in the head.  The brain was destroyed.  He couldn’t rise as a zombie.

TED: Impossible or not.  I’ve seen it.  I put three arrows directly into its head, and it didn’t go down.  I’m not throwing my life away on your silly mission.  I’m not going back there until we can figure out how to kill this thing.

RICK: So how do we kill this thing? How do we kill a zombie JFK?

CARL: Does anyone know where Lee Harvey Oswald is buried?

GLENN: (crying) And a little child shall lead them.

To be continued, maybe if I feel like it.

[Not cross posted at Nuking Politics since it may violate Keln’s decency and good taste policy]

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That’s it. We’re not waiting any longer. My son has until Friday morning to come out on his own or we’re going in after him.

Man, is he getting a stern talking to when I see him…

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[High Praise! to American Digest and John C. Wright's Journal]

Of the two religions that hate Christianity and call America the Great Satan, Political Correctness is more pervasive and more persuasive. In part, this is because one of its religious dogmas, never to be questioned, is that it is not a religion and it has no dogmas: it is merely the truth believed by all right-thinking non-child-eating non-bigots.

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It is no secret I am very excited for the upcoming Axe Cop cartoon.

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Still not born!

We’re inducing Friday (which would be two week past due), so at least there is a time limit. Definitely baby by Friday.

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[High Praise! to Michelle Obama's Mirror]

CITIZEN: Hello!? Somebody just kicked down my door, they’re in the house; they’ve got guns!

911 OPERATOR: I’m sorry, given the speed of the attack we won’t be able to get there in time.

CITIZEN: What are you talking about!! Someone’s broken into my house! I need help!

911 OPERATOR: I’m sorry ma’am, we’re not allowed to deploy forces into harm’s way without knowing exactly what’s going on in real time.

CITIZEN: I’m telling you what’s going on in real time you moron! There are home invaders here – with guns! They’re going to kill me and my children!

911 OPERATOR: I’m very sorry ma’am. But our stats indicate we won’t be able to get there in time to help. Death is a part of life. Do you have any messages you’d like me to pass on to your survivors?

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…and so tired…

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[High Praise! to Went West]

Should be interesting to read the email correspondence between State Department and the embassy leading up to the attack:

Stevens: …and the weather is wonderful but I am a little worried about a bunch of people outside the building that look threatening so please send some extra security./CS

Clinton: …busy for the election and here it’s just raining./HC. PS. Are you sure they’re not just spontaneously demonstrating against some YouTube-video?

Stevens: …and I am now worried about the rocket launchers they are putting on the neighboring buildings so we could really need some extra security here./CS

Clinton: …and it makes no difference at this point if they already have rocket launchers Perhaps they are demonstrating with fireworks? /HC

Stevens: …send help immediately… two dead… I’m bleeding… aaargh… /CS

Clinton: …Well, I told you, it really makes no difference at this point. /HC

This is of course totally unrealistic, Stevens would never have written “aaargh” in his email.

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So the IRS is targeting conservatives.

Well, not the IRS. Low-level employees in Cincinnati. Because the IRS is structured such that any low-level employee can go on a personal political vendetta. Interns are ordering the audits of their neighbors all the time. That’s just how it is.

And it’s obviously no big deal because no disciplinary action was taken. But we can rest assured everyone involved learned an important life lesson.

So let’s move on.

Hmm… you don’t seem to have moved on. You still seem a bit angry and concerned about a government agency specifically being used to crush political opposition. Well, I hope you’re not being all paranoid about the government being out to get you. Obama recently warned some college graduates against being all worried about government tyranny, and Obama has good reason to warn you against that because worrying about government tyranny is the exact sort of thing that will get you audited. Or, when Obamacare is in full force, it will be the attitude that gets you denied life saving health care.

So have faith in government. Or it will get you.

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…is what I’d like to show you, but the only option for that is ultrasound. That baby is just not going to be born. I think I’m just going to go back to my life as normal and forget this whole “second baby” thing.

Then again, Buttercup decided to cry for no reason all last night so we’re both pretty sapped today, thus today would be the perfect day for labor.

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