Promoted Comment: Venezuela

[High Praise! to DonP]

In Venezuela today, if your newborn requires any kind of intensive care, he will probably die. Toilet paper is a luxury, and dogs, cats, and rats are being hunted for food. And yet Bernie is a serious contender for the presidency.

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The Secret Life of Barack Obama – The Screwtape Letters

Fox News Reporter: What would you say to those who feel that your decree to public schools regarding the use of locker rooms and showers exceeds the limits established in Title IX?

Obama: Well, let me be perfectly clear…(eyes glaze and he gazes into the distance)

(Obama opens a smoking letter and begins to read)

Dear Obama,

While your attempts to accelerate the disintegration of the societies built upon the Enemy’s proscribed foundation are laudable, there are those of us who are concerned that your actions regarding bathroom policies are too premature to prove beneficial. It is our opinion that, though the young have been vigorously indoctrinated toward this end, the intellects and mores of the bulk of society have not yet been sufficiently degraded to accept these latest steps. In fact, it is our considered opinion that your actions may prove counterproductive at this juncture. Time will tell, and punishments will be meted accordingly by Our Father Below.

Regardless of the outcome, you are advised to continue the assault upon the nuclear family in accordance with the effective though seemingly contradictory approaches of both driving a wedge between the sexes and eliminating all differences between the genders. The reason is simple. Convince women to fear and hate men, convince them that men are unnecessary to their own happiness, well-being or livelihood, even to the point that men are considered biologically redundant dross, and the nuclear family crumbles to dust.   Convince women that promiscuity is freedom, virtue is slavery and children out of wedlock are to be celebrated, and the nuclear family crumbles to dust. Allow boys to slake their lusts without consequence or responsibility, take from them the incentive to mature and be men, and the nuclear family crumbles to dust.

Eve has been offered another apple. She and Adam are gradually partaking. Stay the course and, like the serpent, keep the questions ever before their faces: Why not question tradition? Why not overturn your moral code? Why not do it if it feels good? Why not tear down all these old fences?

And do not take any further radical steps without our direct consultation.

Your affectionate Uncle, Screwtape

(Obama writes a quick response)

Dear Screwtape,

Message received. I like that last part. Why not rebel against your authority, I ask myself? I’ll do what I want. YOLO!

Barack the Ever-Wise……

Fox News Reporter: Sir, sir…

Obama: Uh, for you even to ask such a thing just shows that you are on the wrong side of history.  Next question?

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Random Keln Thoughts

NRA NewsFederal judge rules D.C. Concealed Carry policy “unconstitutional burden” – Oh my. But then the whole “shall nor be infringed” part –

    Infringed

– Act so as to limit or undermine (something)

• Obama is spending millions to find summer jobs for refugees – What about jobs for Americans? What about jobs for blacks? What about jobs for your OWN PEOPLE?

• Arizona primary poll has John McCain and his primary opponent Kelli Ward tied at 41%. Oh snap!

“Don’t ever take down a fence until you know the reason why it was put up” – G.K. Chesterton

• How can anyone look at or listen to Debbie Wasserman-Schultz and think “Oh, hey, that is a serious person I should listen to”?

• Charles Krauthammer continues to be stupid, clueless, arrogant, and more stupid. And stupid.

• Trump lives and works in Trump Tower. If this were a comic book, he would be MAGA-Man

• So I watched the Megyn Kelly special. In the words of the great Ralphie, it was “just a crummy commercial” for her book.

• NYT Interviewee: “Trump was very nice to me. He called me beautiful.” NYT Headline: Trump Cat-Calls Women and Shames Them

• Primary in KY is too close to call. This is like watching an Olympic match for the Bronze medal.

• Islamists: “Why do you hate us?” – It’s the beards. And the beheadings. But mostly the beards.

• Some say Hillary has done nothing for women. Hang on! She has done plenty for women. She showed Bill’s women the error of their ways by ruining their lives.

• I’m glad I predicted after Wisconsin that Trump would win every state after it. I could have actually bet on it and won for once. If I’d had any money.

• Iran arrested models for un-Islamic modeling. Their burkas were too clinging? Seriously, what is Islamic modeling exactly?

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Vote Trump?

While deeply mired in the denial stage, I’ve been trying to convince myself how I could justify voting for Trump.  This is all I’ve got.

  • He self-identifies as President of the United States, so we are obligated to accept him as that
  • He’ll be impervious to sex scandals
  • You’ll be able to take a selfie of yourself with his cardboard cutout at the Trump Re-education Camp
  • The re-education at the Trump Re-education Camp was designed by the same experts that designed the curriculum at Trump University, so you won’t really end up brainwashed
  • It will be good for you if you own stock in the National Enquirer
  • One of his first actions in office will be to make it legal to punch anyone in the face who disagrees with him, and hippies are notoriously critical of Trump
  • Do we really need two Koreas
  • If he’s President, he won’t need to contribute to the Clinton Foundation for favors anymore
  • The inevitable Ivanka/Tiffany reality show is bound to give the Karadashians some much needed competition
  • Why would anybody want the same First Lady for four years straight
  • When the nation goes bankrupt, well, no worries. If there is one thing he knows
  • Unpredictability from a superpower is good for global stability, right?
  • Presidential press conferences will be indistinguishable from a SNL skit
  • TrumpCare has a much better ring to it, and again, when it goes bankrupt…
  • Sean Hannity, Bill O’Reilly and Ann Coulter will finally get those leg tinglings they’ve been coveting
  • And Chris Matthews will be able to walk again
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Ben Rhodes – Super Genius

It turns out that Hillary kept Ben Rhodes’ resume and the notes from his interview on her personal server.  In other words, they are opened up to the internet like an orchid.  Here are some of his more telling qualifications for his job of Middle East Expert for the administration:

  • He saw a trailer for Homeland once
  • He beat Obama 2 out of 3 at Risk
  • He beat Obama 3 out of 3 at Tic-Tac-Toe
  • He demonstrated an understanding of the fundamental parts of a narrative: the beginning, the middle and the Islamophobia
  • His pointy head was ideally shaped for easy insertion into his own or anyone else’s posterior
  • During college, he went through a brief Mohammad-curious phase
  • According to his family lore, he was part black through his Uncle Ben
  • When asked his opinion of the Zionist movement, he responded that he didn’t much care for reggae
  • He’d spent some time in the Midwest, and he was pretty sure the Middle East was just the opposite of that
  • When his grandparents immigrated to America, the immigration official changed their surname to Rhodes because he couldn’t spell Bakka Lakka Dakka
  • Throughout the interview, none of his answers exceeded 140 characters
  • He handily beat all the other applicants in the dance-of-the-seven-veils portion of the interview
  • He wrote a short story about how nuclear proliferation is underrated
  • Throughout the interview, he kept unconsciously humming Obama’s favorite tune, Song for Allah
  • He hadn’t built or accomplished anything
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Partly I Don’t Like Trump, Partly His Political Success Gives Me Cold Chills Because…

[High Praise! to American Digest]

Trump is the warning shot. He’s the food riots before the revolution.

He’s the stack of letters to the editor in protest over some issue. People do not go from happy to bloody revolt overnight. It’s a process and the early stages are warnings, at least they should be viewed as warnings. If the people in Washington insist on flooding the country with helot labor, despite what’s happening in the election, the people are going to insist on building scaffolds in Washington. The Trump phenomenon is the warning.

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Hillary’s Secrets

Guccifer has apparently hacked into Hillary’s server.  Said it was like an open orchid on the internet.  He’s started to tell authorities about what he found lurking there:

  • Bill’s Black Book
  • Chelsea’s personality
  • Pages of search results for ‘How to get stains out of blue fabric’
  • Donald Trump’s DNA sequence and a map of his brain (it’s a very small file)
  • A large number of instant message threads in which Muammar repeatedly spurned her advances
  • A list of the true names and preferred sacrifices for each member of a group referred to only as Legion
  • Plans to convert Bill into a trans-First Lady
  • Receipts for frequent wire transfers from the Clinton Foundation to a Nigerian prince
  • Receipts for frequent wire transfers from the Clinton Foundation to AshleyMadison.com
  • Receipts for frequent wire transfers from the Clinton Foundation to furry_curious.com
  • A partial, rough draft of a supernatural romance about the first woman President and the ghosts of Eleanor Roosevelt and Nixon’s dog Checkers
  • Numerous terse rejection e-mails indicating that ‘your soul just isn’t worth that much’
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Trumpo de Mayo

How Trump is Celebrating Cinco de Mayo, you might ask.  He loves Hispanics, you know.  They’re great, as long as they stay behind that wall.  Here is how he is celebrating.

  • Equipping his yacht with a new set of anchor babies
  • Whacking a giant Cruz-Rubio piñata, filled with candy wrappers
  • Launching his new line of Trump Tequila, proudly sold in the US but made by Malaysian orphans
  • Settling down for a long, slow fantasy involving a dirty Ivanka-Tiffany ‘enchilada’
  • Los trasplantes de cabello naranja para todos
  • Establishing the Mexico City campus of Trump Universidad, with its associated wall
  • Throwing a yuge fiesta, catered by illegals
  • Paying the legal fees for anyone who will punch La Raza in the face
  • Designing the guady new signs for the Trump Casa Blanca
  • Systematically offending all the wise latina women he meets
  • Announcing that his running mate will be Pedro
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How Can Trump Quash Hillary

Now that he is the presumptive nominee, it’s time for The Donald to turn his cool, informed savvy toward beating The Hillary. Here are his plans that have been leaked.

  • Make a great deal so that both he and Hillary run as each other’s VPs.
  • If the rigged Electoral College doesn’t make him President, there will be riots.
  • Start wearing lipstick and a dress. Transgender trumps woman.
  • Leak that photo of Hillary palling around with John Wilkes Booth.
  • At the start of the first debate, pin Hillary to the floor and give her a pink belly until she agrees to drop out of the race.
  • Threaten to ‘spill the beans’ on Bill. Wait til you see it. It will be yuge!
  • Keep reminding the electorate that his daughter is way hotter than Chelsea.  Which one do you want to have to look at for the next four years?
  • Make a better deal with Lucifer, maybe even appoint him to the Supreme Court.
  • Garner the endorsements of such Washington outsiders as Boehner, Pelosi, Boxer, Schumer, Reid, Bill Clinton…..
  • Be the first Republican candidate to actively court the dead vote.
  • He’s pretty sure Hillary is ineligible to run because she isn’t a natural born citizen, but how to prove it?
  • Woo Bernie supporters by offering taxpayer funded Trump University for all.
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Life With ISIS – Terror Fun Fair Part 3

(somewhere secret in the desert)

Ali: Hey, what is that big commotion?

Ahmed: There’s a big stir over at the recruitment area. Let’s check it out.

(they wander toward the crowd at the recruitment area where the recruitment imam is giving his spiel. Members of the crowd wearing SJJ t-shirts are continuously interrupting and harassing the imam)

Habib: SJJ? What?

Man in the crowd (rolling his eyes): Social Justice Jihadis.

Galid: I am confused? Social justice? What?

Habib: We really need to find a way to vet these American refugees.

Ahmed: Way too many crazies are slipping in.

Social Justice Hipster: The caliphate is a patriarchal, misogynist complex!

Recruitment Imam: Well, duh…

Social Justice Drum Circle Chick: Did you know that 1 in 5 women in the caliphate are the victims of rape?

Recruitment Imam: You’ve thrown that number around a lot. It’s completely bogus. You’ve got it exactly backwards. In the caliphate, each woman is raped five times. And believe me, we’re working on getting that number up where it needs to be.

Social Justice Dreadlock Dude: And where are your transgender latrines?

Social Justice Hipster: And why isn’t any of your jihadi garb gay friendly? No pink camo, no glitter? You’re all homophobes dude.

Recruitment Imam: You are aware this is an Islamic caliphate? Islam teaches that homosexuality should be punished by death. “For ye practice your lusts on men in preference to women: ye are indeed a people transgressing beyond bounds, and we rained down on them a shower of brimstone (sura 7)” And in the hadith: The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said, “Whoever you find doing the action of the people of Lot, execute the one who does it and the one to whom it is done.” The only controversy among Muslim scholars is how the execution should be conducted. Some say stoning, others beheading, others hanging, others burning, others…..

Social Justice Hipster: You can’t say that! You can’t say that about Islam!

Social Justice Dreadlock Dude: Islamophobe!

Social Justice Chubby Chick: Racist!

Galid: I am confused. Islam is a race, now?

Recruiter Imam: So the teachings of Islam are Islamophobic?

Social Justice Hipster: It’s hate speech!

Social Justice Dreadlock Dude: If it disparages Islam in any way, yeah. I have a friend who isn’t Muslim but got beat up because of talk like this. It’s hate speech, dude! It’s hate speech!

Recruiter Imam: OMA! Allah give me strength. So what am I, a self-loathing imam? I’m just reading to you from the Koran and the hadith.

Social Justice Drum Circle Chick: It’s racist, Islamophobic hate speech!

Social Justice Chubby Chick: Keep your hate speech out of our caliphate! Keep your hate speech out of our caliphate! Keep your hate speech out of our caliphate! Keep your hate speech out of our caliphate! Keep your hate speech out of our caliphate!

Galid: I am confused. So, the holy Koran teaches Islamophobia? Islam is Islamophobic?

Ali: It is they who are confused, my friend.

Social Justice Hipster: Islam is a religion of peace, dude!

Social Justice Dreadlock Dude: Islam means peace!

Recruiter Imam: Actually, Islam means submission. Complete submission to Allah and Mohammad who is his prophet. The world must submit to Allah.

Social Justice Dreadlock Dude: My World Religion professor taught us that Islam is a religion of peace. Are you saying you know more than my professor? Shuh! Yeah right!

Social Justice Hipster: Hate speech!

Social Justice Chubby Chick: Keep your hate speech out of our caliphate! Keep your hate speech out of our caliphate! Keep your hate speech out of our caliphate! Keep your hate speech out of our caliphate! Keep your hate speech out of our caliphate!

Recruiter Imam: Ok, ok, ok. Who out there believes that Islam is a religion of peace? Show of hands, please. Why don’t all of you follow me over to this safe space over here? Good. This is your violence free zone. Gather around and sit down. You don’t need to worry about hate or reality or truth here. Feel free to let your perceptions run uncontested. Breathe deeply. Feel the cognitive dissonance bleeding away. Sorry, violent imagery. Feel the cognitive dissonance wafting away. The answer, my friend, is blowing up, I mean, blowing in the wind. Here are some crayons and markers and toys for you to play with until you feel calm again. Help yourself. (walks away back toward the podium)

Social Justice Drum Circle Chick: Hey, there are some Hillary Clinton dolls. And Bernie dolls. Check these out. (pulls string on Hillary doll).

Hillary Clinton Doll: Islam has nothing to do with Islamic terrorism. (explodes)

Recruiter Imam: Ok, does anyone else feel like they need a special safe space?

Galid (brushing chunks of SJJ off his shoulder): I am confused. That space did not seem very safe to me.

(to be continued, maybe, if I feel like it)

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