Scene: The White House Halloween Party. There is a ring at the door.
Barack opens the door. Al Gore is standing there. A wire with a red rubber ball attached to it is jutting from his forehead, and two wires with blue rubber balls are jutting from the back of his head.
Barack: Oh, that is just precious. Let’s see, balls orbiting an inflated gaseous mass? You’re the solar system, right? You might be a few planets shy, I think, but science never was my forte.
Gore: I am not the solar system. I am the most frightening thing there is. A carbon dioxide molecule. See, a carbon and two oxygens.
Barack: Ooooo, scary. I can feel it getting warmer in here already.
Gore: And I know there are more than three planets. Discounting Pluto, I’m pretty sure there are six, counting the moon.
Neil Degrasse Tyson: (Saunters up wearing khakis, a button down plaid shirt done all the way up to his neck and a cardigan) Hey, great solar system outfit, Al. Very accurate.
Gore: I am not the solar system. I’m CO2.
Neil Degrasse Tyson: I think you are a few balls short.
Gore: No. One carbon ball and two oxygen balls. CO2.
Neil Degrasse Tyson: I wasn’t talking about your costume. Rim shot.
Barack: Good one. I heard Tipper took them in the divorce.
Neil Degrasse Tyson: I heard that too, but, hey, did you hear this one? During the heat of the space race in the 1960s, the US National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ballpoint pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of approximately $1 million US. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth. The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil. True story.
Barack: I’m pretty sure I heard that one on that Cosmos show. But, hey. Nice science nerd outfit.
Neil Degrasse Tyson: I’m not a science nerd. I’m a Christian, so frightening in their ignorance.
Barack: All bitter and clingy like a bad ex.
Barack: (Opens door to see a nude Barney Frank) Good lord, man. Put some clothes on. Are you that drunk already?
Barney: Oh, no, no, no. This is my costume. I’m Adam. And my cute, firm little intern was supposed to come as Steve. Have you seen Stevie? Stevie? Fwanky is hewe now. Stevie? I have some fowbidden fwuit for you to taste. Excuse me, but I must find Stevie. Hey, Al. Nice solar system outfit.
Gore: I’m CO2.
Barney: Whatever, I just wish I had all those balls dangling about my face. That’s what I’m being next year. Stevie! Where are you Stevie?
Neil Degrasse Tyson: That reminds me. Have you heard this one? If you go to a nude beach, you have to be very careful because you can catch crabs just from sunbathing. The beach is the crabs’ natural habitat, and they thrive there. True story. It’s science. My wife caught crabs that way at least three times.
Barack: No kidding.
Barack: (Opens the door to see Debbie Wasserman Schultz dressed in a dog costume) Great bitch outfit!
Al: Or are you supposed to be Hillary?
Debbie: I am not a bitch!
All: (laughing uproariously)
Debbie: OK, maybe I am, but I’m not dressed as a bitch. Can’t you see? I’m Scooby Doo.
Barack: Well, whatever you are, you are making me incredibly hungry. You look absolutely delicious.
Neil Degrasse Tyson: While we are on the topic of food, did you hear this one. If you eat Pop Rocks and then drink a Coke, you will explode. True story. It’s science.
Barack: I’d heard about that, but never knew if it was true.
Neil Degrasse Tyson: Of course it’s true. It’s easy enough to prove. Just need a test subject….
Barack: Let’s get Joe. Yes Joe. Joe will do it. He’ll do anything. We can tell him it is the new, hip drug craze. Tell him Justin Beiber is doing it.
Neil Degrasse Tyson: And the good thing about those new drug crazes, they are all done using over the counter stuff. Approved by FDA. It’s all perfectly safe. FDA said so. True story. It’s science.
(Suddenly everyone is startled by a hideous retching sound. Looking toward the sound, it is Nancy Pelosi gyrating wildly and vomiting what appears to be pea green soup.)
Barack: Ahhhhh! It’s just like The Exorcist! Look at that hideous, twisted face! She is possessed! Is there a witch doctor in the house? Is there a witch doctor in the house.
Nancy: No, no, I’m not possessed.
Barack: But your face?
Nancy: That’s just my latest Botox injections settling in.
Barack: But the vomit from hell!
Nancy: I just couldn’t keep down Michelle’s ‘healthy’ hors d’oeuvres.
Barack: What even are those things? Saccharin-sprinkled turnip puffs? Parsnip dip with tofu chips?
Nancy: Careful, I’m going to be sick again. (vomits again, and her head spins all the way around and around spewing vomit like a rainbird)
Barack: She is possessed! She is possessed!
Nancy: E plurbus unum. Caveate emptor.
Barack: Is that Latin? What is she saying? Is there a linguist in the house?
Neil Degrasse Tyson: Back away, foolish believers. This is a job for science.
Nancy: (In a deep, evil sounding voice) Science. HAHAHAHAHAHA! Science. What do you know of science? You are no scientist. You are a science reporter.
Neil Degrasse Tyson: Blasphemy!
Al: Don’t listen to it. It is trying to mess with your head.
Nancy: Tell me of your personal research, scientist. Tell me.
Neil Degrasse Tyson: No! I have none. I have none.
Barack: Wait a minute. I recognize that voice. Lucifer? Is that you ?
Nancy: No. we are legion.
Barack: You can’t fool me, Lucy, my boy. You stood me up last week. We had a meeting scheduled. What’s up, dude?
Al: Lucifer, sir, while you are here, I’d like to talk to you about something very important. All the brimstone and burning and stuff down there in Hell is putting out a lot of greenhouse gases. Have you considered switching to a greener alternative? Here, watch this video and we can talk later. I can sell you some carbon credits if you would prefer.
Nancy: You! What are you? You have no soul! No soul! You are not human! That robotic, soulless freak is way too creepy even for me. I’m out of here. Later dudes. Have the old crone back.
Barack: Wait, wait. We still need to make the deal about retaining control of the Senate.
Nancy: Even my power has its limits. Besides, you sold your soul a long time ago, dude. And sorry about the vomit. But those hors d’oeuvres were vile.
Barack: No, come back. Lucifer come back. He’s gone. All is lost.
Nancy: Where am I? What happened? Bill better not have roofied me again.
(door bell rings)
Barack: Sasha, can you get that?
Sasha: (Opens door. It’s a group of trick or treaters. Sasha reaches into each child’s bag and removes a handful of candy for herself) You know, at some point you have enough candy. (she closes the door on the shocked children)
Barack: That’s my girl.