Reporter: How would you respond to the allegations in David Axelrod’s book that you were never a friend to Israel? Sir? Sir?
Barack (staring vacantly into space)
(Barack, Harfne, Michellma, Shaggy Joe and Scooby-Bo are packed in the Mary Jane Machine driving along a spooky dirt road at night. There is a creepy castle visible in the distance)
Barack: Wow. So that is Terror Castle.
Shaggy Joe: They sure picked a creepy enough place to hold a Palestine/Israel peace conference.
Michellma: And a creepy enough night too!
(The Mary Jane Machine shuts itself down and rolls to a halt)
Scooby-Bo: Ruh roh!
Michellma: Jinkies! Why did we stop?
Barack: We must have hit the ten mile limit on the electric Chevy Volt Van. We better get out and see if we can find somewhere to charge her up.
(They pile out of the van)
Shaggy Joe: While we’re at it, we need to find somewhere to charge me up too? I’m so starving even my munchies have the munchies.
Scooby-Bo: Rah. Re too.
(There was the sound of a muffled explosion masked by a ghostly ululating howl)
Shaggy Joe: Zoinks! What was that?
Michellma: Quick. Look at the van! The batteries spontaneously combusted!
(Smoke and flames are licking up from under the hood of the Mary Jane Machine)
Barack: We better hoof it and find some help.
Harfne: We could head straight to the creepy looking castle. It doesn’t look too far away if we cut through the forest.
A voice from the shadows: I wouldn’t do that if I were you.
(Two shapes approach, becoming more brightly lit as they approach the flaming Volt)
All: Bill Ayers and Bernardine Dohrn!
Barack: What are you doing here?
Ayers: We could ask you the same question.
Barack: We’re here for the peace conference. Don’t you recognize me? I’m the President. The President of your fan club, I mean. I love what you did with the Weathermen. Here. See. It’s my official membership card.
Shaggy Joe (puts hands on Bernardine’s shoulders and bends toward her ear)
Michellma: Shaggy. Shaggy. Stop that this instant. Get your paws off of her and stop sniffing her hair. I swear sometimes you are worse than Scooby.
Shaggy Joe: But she smells so good. Like a smoky roasted Scooby Snack.
Michellma: That’s not her you’re smelling. (points to Scooby-Bo roasting Scooby Snacks on sticks over the flaming Volt)
Shaggy Joe: Save some for me!
Scooby-Bo: Ro ray! (jams the sticks down his throat and pulls them out sans Scooby Snacks) Rericious! (giggles)
Ayers: Did I hear you right? Were you thinking about walking through Gaza Forest to Terror Castle in the middle of the night?
Shaggy Joe: Terror castle! Zoinks! (leaps into Bernardine’s arms) Hold me!
Michellma: How many times do we have to go over this? Keep your wandering hands to yourself, Shaggy Joe.
Bernardine: Oh, it’s alright. No harm done. No worse than the drum circles at Occupy Wallstreet rallies.
Barack: So what’s so bad about Terror Castle?
Ayers: Folks say the woods and the castle are haunted by terrorist ghosts.
Shaggy Joe (stops sniffing Bernardine’s butt and looks up): Haunted? Yikes! With a name like Terror Castle, no wonder. It’s probably, like, the KOA for spooks of terror past, right Scoob?
Ayers: Why don’t you stay with us in our cabin in the woods and we can get you to the peace conference in the morning?
Shaggy Joe: Does that cabin include a fully loaded pantry? I’m famished!
Scooby-Bo: Reah. Ramished!
Shaggy Joe (whispers to Scooby): Careful Scoob. Stay close to me. I think Barack is hungry too. He’s licking his lips and giving you that drooly look again.
Scooby-Bo: Ruh roh.
Michellma: I’ve got some nice turnip chips.
(All gag and retch)
Bernardine: No thanks. We’ve got plenty of real food for you to eat before you hit the sack.
Shaggy Joe (puts his hands on Bernardine’s shoulders and whispers into her ear): How about we hit the lunch sack. I can make you the old Shaggy super sandwich. Just imagine you stuffed between me and Scoob…
Harfne: Cool your heels, Shag. This is your last warning.
Bernardine: Oh, he isn’t hurting me none. He’s much less terrifying than what we usually see in the Gaza forest.
Michellma: I’ve always wondered. Why do ghosts terrorize people anyway?
Harfne: There must be lots of poverty and unemployment in the afterlife. If we could just get these ghosts some jobs.
Shaggy Joe: Yeah, like they could be booticians.
Shaggy Joe: Or they can work at the ghostery store.
Scooby-Bo (giggles harder)
Shaggy Joe: They can run the scary-go-round or the rollerghoster or other dead end jobs.
Scooby-Bo (giggles harder)
Booming Voice: That mock will be your last. Behead those who insult us! (ululating howl)
(all look toward the voice to see a green, glowing ghost floating in the air)
Michellma: Jinkies! It’s the ghost of Osama bin Laden!
Harfne: Mr. ghost, sir. Have you tried looking into Saudi Arabia’s exceptional job training program?
Shaggy Joe: Look out! He’s got a bomb!
Barack: Shut up Harf, and run!
Ayers: Quick! Follow us to the cabin!
Ghost Ladin: You can never escape me!
(They run to the cabin with the ghost in hot pursuit. The door to the cabin is blocked by another glowing, green ghost)
Barack: Oh no! The ghost of Yasser Arafat!
Ghost Arafat (uluating eerily): You will never survive the night! (He throws a bomb at the gang)
(Scooby catches the bomb. He and Shaggy frantically toss it back and forth to each other)
Ayers: In the outhouse! Quick! Throw it in the outhouse!
Scooby-Bo (rushes toward the outhouse, kicks open the door and tosses down the bomb. It explodes, coating Scooby in sewage)
Barack: Whew, that was close.
Shaggy Joe: You, like, totally need a bath now, Scoob. You smell worse than me.
Scooby-Bo (moans sadly)
Shaggy Joe: Don’t worry. I’ll fix you a Shaggy super-sandwich while you clean up. You in, Bernardine?
(Scooby settles into a huge metal tub filled with sudsy water)
Scooby-Bo (closes eyes and relaxes)
(gloved hands silently place wood around the tub and light the fire. Then the gloved hands sprinkle salt and pepper gently into the tub around Scooby-Bo)
Shaggy Joe (enters the room): Boy oh boy! Something smells delicious in here!
Barack (startled, drops the salt and pepper shakers on the ground): Uh, um. Let me be perfectly clear. It was the ghosts! The ghosts were trying to cook Scooby-Bo. It was definitely the ghosts. I just scared them off.
(Michellma and Harfne enter)
Michellma: What is that captivating aroma?
Shaggy Joe: The ghosts were, like, totally trying to cook Scoob!
Harfne: Oh, they like to cook. If we could just get them free chef training, problem solved.
Michellma: But wait. That makes no sense. Muslims consider dogs unclean. They would never eat a dog. Something’s fishy.
Shaggy Joe: Yeah, and why would a ghost eat anyway. It would just go right through them. (giggles) Get it Scooob? It would go right through them.
Scooby-Bo (giggles): Reah.
Barack: Um. Uh. Of course it was the ghosts. It’s just like Fatal Attraction and the rabbit. Trying to scare us by boiling our pet.
Barack: But seeing Scooby all lathered up like that gives me an idea. Come on, everybody! To the laundry room!
Michellma: The laundry room?
(they head to the laundry room and watch Barack assemble his trap)
Shaggy Joe: I’ve seen goofy traps before but this is the goofiest!
Scooby-Bo: Rah. Roofy.
Shaggy Joe (whispers to Scoob): Yeah. Roofies! Like those ones we slipped Bernardine? (giggles)
Scooby-Bo: (giggles) Scooby-booby-bo!
Shaggy Joe (whispering): Shaggy super-duper sandwich!
Barack: Not goofy, Shaggy. Simple! We use a fan, soapsuds, a spring-loaded ironing board and a washing machine. When the ghosts come through the door, we’ll take them to the cleaners. Now let’s see how it works. Ready, Scooby?
Barack: Fan on! Look! It works! Harf, Michellma and I will lure the ghosts through the door! When I yell ”Now,” switch on the fan.
Shaggy Joe: Right! I’m all set too!
(there is ghostly ululating as the ghosts approach)
Barack: Here they come now!
Barack: Oh, no! Scooby turned it on too soon!
Shaggy Joe: And, like, in reverse yet!
Michellma: A flying washing machine! Shaggy and Scooby are riding it!
Harfne: Duck! They went out the door! Look out! They’re running toward the woods.
Shaggy Joe: I can’t steer this crazy machine! We’ll take the shortcut. Hang on! (crash into the ghosts) Got them! Looks like these ghosts are all washed up!
Barack: Let’s see who we have here (unmasks ghosts of Bin Laden and Yasser Arafat)
All: John Boehner and Bibi Netanyahu!
Shaggy Joe: Zoinks!
Barack: I suspected as much all along. All the ghost terrorists were Muslim. Only a Zionist would exclude the likes of Richard the Lionheart, Harry S. Truman and countless Popes and from the list of terrorist ghosts.
Michellma: But why did they do it?
Harfne: That’s easy. Like usual, the Israelis wanted to break up the peace talks and blame it on muslim terrorism.
Barack: And they wanted to give Islam a bad name. It was all a plot to get us to do their dirty work for them and attack all those peaceful bastions of Islam like ISIS and Hamas and Hezbollah.
Bibi: And we would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for you rotten libs…
Barack: I believe that both sides in that conflict are equally to blame, but one side is more to blame than the other.