Once upon a time there were three billy goats, who were to go up to the hillside to make themselves fat, and the name of all three was “Gruff.”

On the way up was a bridge over a cascading stream they had to cross; and under the bridge lived a great ugly troll , with eyes as big as saucers, a nose as long as a poker, and its fingertips caked in neon orange powdered cheese.

So first of all came the youngest Billy Goat Gruff to cross the bridge.

“Trip, trap, trip, trap! ” went the bridge.

“Who’s that tripping over my bridge?” roared the troll .

“Oh, it is only I, the tiniest Billy Goat Gruff , and I’m going up to the hillside to make myself fat,” said the billy goat, with such a small voice.

“Billy goats are teh ghey!” said the troll.

“Oh, no! Pray don’t flame me. I’m too little and insignificant, that I am,” said the billy goat. “Wait a bit till the second Billy Goat Gruff comes. He’s much bigger and flaming him will get you much more attention.”

“Well, be off with you,” said the troll, “Stoopid n00b.”

A little while after came the second Billy Goat Gruff to cross the bridge.

Trip, trap, trip, trap, trip, trap, went the bridge.

“Who’s that tripping over my bridge?” roared the troll.

“Oh, it’s the second Billy Goat Gruff , and I’m going up to the hillside to make myself fat,” said the billy goat, who hadn’t such a small voice.

“You sound like a retard,” said the troll.

“Oh, no! Don’t flame me. Wait a little ’till the big Billy Goat Gruff comes. He’s much bigger and flaming him will get you much more attention.”

“Very well! Be off with you,” said the troll, “Me l33t.”

But just then up came the big Billy Goat Gruff .

Trip, trap, trip, trap, trip, trap! went the bridge, for the billy goat was so heavy that the bridge creaked and groaned under him.

“Is that that big Billy Goat Gruff?” roared the troll. “If I were a fat stoopid goat like you, I’d blow my brains out.”

But it wasn’t actually a Billy Goat Gruff and instead a member of the Russian mafia who was so enraged he hunted down and caught the troll and gutted him which took a very long time since the troll was morbidly obese.

And everyone lived happily ever after.

THE END

Look at this e-mail I just got:

Frank,

I noticed you have a few thousand in savings. Please don’t spend any of it because I already have plans for it. Also, you’re out of Doritos.

kthxbai,
President Obama

I’m really starting to think Obama doesn’t understand the American ideal of privacy and freedom. Plus, he’s a mooch. Here’s what I wrote back:

Barry,

That’s my money! I’m going to buy a bouncy castle and usurp the king and declare myself “Lord of Bounce.” Why don’t you just admit you don’t know what you’re doing, you’re losing all our money, and you have stupid ears and then go resign. And those were Fiery Habanero Doritos! You have to go to Mexico to get those! You suck!

-Frank J.

I’ll tell you if he writes back.

What I like about the readers of IMAO is that you are intellectuals who always get to the heart of the manner. When I posted about railguns, many of you were concerned there won’t be a boom when they are fired.

Now, early projectile weaponry — the bow and the crossbow — were relatively quiet. Then came gunpowder and now we’re used to a loud sound announcing death. Many would say this loud sound is tactically problematic, to which others answer, “But it’s awesome.”

And that is true.

A railgun uses no explosives and simply uses magnetism to fire a projectile. You might think this would be quiet, but we’re dealing with the projectile moving so fast that it gets both a boom and fire for just being so awesome.

So embrace the future, my friends.

Also, some of you wondered about putting railguns on a dinosaur. This won’t work. Dinosaurs don’t like magnets. They make them crazy.

Well, a podcast involving someone who sometimes appears on IMAO. SarahK was interviewed by Melissa Clouthier and talked about Twilight and Sarah Palin. John Hawkins also showed up allowing SarahK to personally grill him about not voting for her in the t-shirt babe contest. And she’s a lot better on the radio than I am, but if you ever listened to our podcasts you already knew that.

Incidentally, in addition to Twits.ws, SarahK is also running John Hawkins’s Viral Footage site. Maybe I can get her to post here again… or do another podcast.

Don’t know if you’ve seen Andrew Sullivan announce his hiatus, but it’s a masterpiece of crazy. If he’s completely earnest in it, then… wow. It’s easy to make fun of Sullivan, but it’s also easy to make fun of a schizophrenic though that’s not a particularly nice thing to do. At what point, though, does The Atlantic have to answer for why it displays a blatant crazy person to be gawked at a bit. They might as well charge a nickel a gander for Sullivan’s blog.

I don’t know how many of you remember the Limey. In my experience, who you come back at a troll in a clever way, they tend to regroup a bit and be a little bit more reserved in the response. But every once in a while you get one who keeps doubling down on the stupid. This rare creature was found once again in the comments to my latest Pajamas Media column.

The fifteenth comment is from someone named anonymous who starts by quoting the first line of the article “Is it just me, or is Barack Obama not the most experienced person we’ve ever had as president?”:

Well, considering Tapper’s article described it in these terms:

“Obama’s handshake/forward lurch was so jarring and inappropriate it recalls Bush’s back-rub of Merkel.

The answer would seem to be no. You’re welcome.

Usual reflexive “me no like boooosh” response, but I decided to point out the blatantly stupid part of it:

Since Bush rubbed someone’s back, Obama is the most experienced president we’ve ever had? You smirt!

I can see why you remain Anonymous; otherwise the FBI would be constantly at your door trying to get you to figure out all their unsolved cases.

Now, I expected him to come back and admit he misread the sentence but then attack the premise from another angle. But this was no average troll. Instead, “moho” takes credit for the comment and keeps trying to show how he smirt by misusing lots of $5 words and explaining how my sentence meant something else than what it said. No matter how I batted him around, he kept coming back more determined and more obtuse. Check it out; it’s funny when it’s not sad.

I really would like to see a study on these people one day to find out what makes them tick. It’s easy to assume they’re all kids, but I don’t think that’s necessarily true.

Everyone predicting the NYC 9/11 trial is going to be a huge fiasco are going to look silly when it’s only a minor fiasco.

V will go a different direction next year with the aliens going moose-hunting and constantly saying, “You betcha!” Different parallel?

I think Obama would be more impressive if he wore a cape.

Anyone ever going to do a full psychological study on internet trolls? I think many people would gladly donate funding.

I have an idea for a movie where pirates learn to look just like us and blend into society and pirate us from the inside.

Will our show trial of KSM be enough to convince the world we’re a democracy or do we also need a sham election?

So is there going to be an investigation into whether our troops are getting really crappy psychological care? It seems like odds are there are plenty of crappy psychologists in the military who aren’t exposing themselves by committing mass murder.

Hugo Chavez is teaming with Cubans to bomb clouds. The Chinese did something similar to get their first snow fall. Added to this, it’s an actual scientific theory that time-traveling birds are sabotaging the Large Hadron Collider. So basically we have Communists controlling the weather and time-traveling birds sabotaging our equipment. It kinda looks like we’re headed towards some sort of apocalypse scenario that science fiction authors never predicted — one that doesn’t involve apes or robots.

So heads up.

Obama needs to make jobs for actual congressional districts; stimulus money shouldn’t just go to people who live in the Twilight Zone.

Republicans only want to help rich people like Tony Stark and Scrooge McDuck.

My least favorite politicians: Hitler, Stalin, and Sarah Palin. And what do they all have in common? Mustaches. Palin has a mustache of the soul.

My reasons for hating Palin are both too numerous and too vague to mention.

Answer this honestly: Are the names Palin gave her kids the choices of a sane woman?

If sexy vampires are now popular, maybe it is high time for sexy politicians.

When I type in the numbers to text “hooray!”, the phone gives me “Goosby!” I’ve decided that’s my new exclamation of triumph.

Interestingly I have just about as much interest to see Avatar as I did Titanic.

Is the word “dictionary” defined in the dictionary, because you obviously know what it means if you know to look it up in the dictionary.

The way you become the one true conservatives is to denounce all other conservatives. It’s a bit like Highlander.

In my latest Pajamas Media column, I have a bunch of tips for Obama on how to behave himself in other countries. Did you know that different countries have different cultures?

Really late to the party (I barely ever make teleprompter references any more), but they manage to squeeze some more humor out of it. See, you can make fun of Obama if you’re actually funny and not a drooling sycophant:

Obama’s Home Teleprompter Malfunctions During Family Dinner

I’ve decided I need to shake things up at IMAO, so I’ve decided to hate Sarah Palin. I guess I was a little flummoxed on her resigning as governor, and now I’ve decided to run with that and turn it into full-blown irrational hatred. I can’t stand it any time she talks. I can’t stand it any time she posts to Facebook. I’m having trouble standing my own wife because she is also named Sarah (but that goes back a bit).

Sarah Palin is a dumb stupid who is going to destroy the Republican Party with her ignorance and not-reading-newspapersness. She’s going to teach our children that dinosaurs are thousands of years old which will make the unqualified for all the jobs in which knowing the correct age of dinosaurs is required. Also, she’s pro-earthquake.

So, I hate her and want her to go away. If you think I’m off base here, tell me in the comments. If you think I’m really off base, go around telling people how awful I am and that they should come visit IMAO to see how dumb and hateful I am and yell at me. And if they like Sarah Palin, tell them I think they’re stupid and should die.

It would be pretty awesome if Dick Cheney runs for president in 2012; liberal brains would probably explode and they’d all die if he won. He could even have his daughter, Liz Cheney as a running mate (”Take Your Daughter to Lead Day”). Not to get ahead of myself, I already came up with some slogans for Cheney’s presidential run (Exurban Jon also has some slogans, but he totally stole the idea from me):

SLOGANS FOR DICK CHENEY IN 2012

“I know what the hell I’m doing.”

“You’d rather me on your side than against you.”

“Experience, leadership, normal-sized ears.”

“I shoot my friends in the face with a shotgun. What do you think I’ll do to America’s enemies?”

“I’m what the Mayans predicted.”

“Heart attacks don’t even slow me down.”

“The only time I’ll bow before a foreign leader is in preparation for an uppercut.”

“I already control everything; let’s just make it official.”

“Torturing terrorists may not make reliable intelligence, but does make reliable fun.”

“If I’m busy being president, I won’t have time to eat your children’s souls.”

“Say ‘Go @#$% yourself!’ to the entire world.”

“Vote for me and I’ll consider not strangling this box of puppies.”

“I’ll piledrive a foreign leader before I’ll bow to one.”

“Probably not going to win a Nobel Peace Prize.”

“KSM will get to plead his case to my shotgun.”

“You want a change? How about a president who doesn’t give a rat’s ass what anyone thinks about him.”

“You don’t inaugurate me; you unleash me.”

“I will say, ‘Mr. Ahmadinejad, tear off your own face.’ And he will do as I tell him.”

“Yes we can of whoop ass.” (assist to Lori Z)

UPDATE:

I should mention my favorite from Jim Treacher: “It’s not a smirk. You’re just not worth the attention of my whole face.”

SarahK (you remember her? I think she like married me) is now posting at a new blog, tWits.ws, along with Caleb Howe of Red State, Lori Z of Snark and Boobs, and Tommy Christopher, their token liberal (boo! liberal!). It’s sort of a Twitter-based blog, as everyone loves Twitter (you love Twitter), and they have posts of hashtag fun and other stuff like politics and internet humor (here’s SarahK’s most recent post). So check it out; it might be neat to read a funny blog.

And here is an exclusive from them - Video of the White House PowerPoint presentation on the bowing controversy:

Steven Crowder has a very special video in which he visits Gitmo. Quite a different picture than we usually see:

Actually, Gitmo seems to nice for terrorists. Let’s send them some place worst… like regular prison.

The LCROSS explosion has proven there is ice on the moon. Exciting, huh? So what does this mean for us? It means ten things that I can order by importance:

TOP TEN THINGS FINDING ICE ON THE MOON MEANS

10. Super yuppies can drink obscenely-priced moon water.

9. The one NASA scientist who was like, “There is no way there is water on the moon,” now has to pay up five dollars.

8. Government regulations mean that, along with the flag, they now have to put “Caution: Ice” signs on the moon.

7. NASA can save space in the lunar module because now they can just bring empty balloons to the moon and fill them with water when they get there.

6. If the moon catches fire, not a big deal now.

5. Chance of finding frozen cavemen on the moon has increased significantly.

4. Now knowing the moon is covered in ice means the astronauts need to be careful of wampas.

3. There is no reason to go to Mars since we can find ice on the much closer Moon.

2. The movie The Ice Pirates is now much closer to being a reality.

And the number one thing finding ice on the moon means…

(more…)

What is it with Obama and bowing? Even Japan was like, “Who’s this loser?” Obama’s new nickname should be “Lil’ Bow Wow” for how he wows us with all his bowing.

When you go overseas, Mr. President, you represent the United States of America — the most powerful country on earth and in most of the solar system. You bow to no one; they bow to you! The proper greeting for a foreign leaders is to punch him right in his stupid, foreign face because what in the world is he going to do about it? Nothing, because you lead the USA. Why bow to anyone you can freely punch in the face?

If you want to bow to someone, though, Obama, try bowing to the American people. You may delight us with your obsequiousness and we shall consider sparing you.

I love the Boise State Broncos. They had a great game today against long time rival (though they haven’t beat Boise State in over a decade) the Idaho Vandals. Some of my favorite things about Boise State are their trick plays, and here are some they used in the game today:

BOISE STATE BRONCOS TRICK PLAYS

* The running back threw for a touchdown.

* They made it look like they were going to punt, but the kicker threw for a first down.

* They made it look like they were going to go for it on a 4th down, but then the quarterback kicked a field goal.

* They punted on 1st down (no one saw that one coming).

* They put the quarterback in on defense, and then he stripped the ball from the Vandals quarterback and threw for a touchdown.

* The kicker did a lateral throw to another kicker who handed off to a running back who threw for a touchdown.

* They brought the kicker in on defense, and he kicked the ball out of the hands of the Vandals quarterback for a field goal.

* One of the Broncos cheerleaders went onto the field and then threw for a touchdown.

The final score was 132 to 5.

In my discussion of how to accelerate monkeys to high speed, someone suggested we use the Mexi-Cannon™. One of things people enjoy about IMAO is the intellectual discussions, so please try and think things through, people. The Mexi-Cannon™ is only rated for the firing of Mexicans. If we were to try and fire monkeys out of it, they would most likely just be horribly mangled. While that sounds great, that gets us no closer to colliding them at high speed.

Obviously, a special cannon needs to be designed just for the firing of monkeys. This would be quite an engineering feat as monkeys come in many shapes and sizes. The biggest problem, though, is that monkeys tend to flail about quite a lot when fired through the air. This really throws off the accuracy and makes it very hard to fire two monkeys into each other. And it is not very easily compensated for.

I’ve tried to privately fund this project, but in this economy you don’t make very much money posting video of monkeys flying through the air on YouTube. So I’m going to look into getting stimulus funds. I’ll just tell Obama that the purpose of the Monkey-Cannon™ is to get abortions for poor people, and he should approve the money right away. He’s a numbnut.

One of the disturbing things about the Ft. Hood murders is seeing just how invidious some of our PC instincts have become. There were so many warning signs that Hasan is a crazy jihadist (he even had the initials for “Soldier of Allah” on his business cards), but instead of being thrown out of the military and then shot, no one wanted to do anything out of fear of looking discriminatory. So when people of a certain group do horrific things to Americans, our response apparently is to give that group even less scrutiny.

What the hell?

When someone punches us in the face, our instinct should not be to apologize. We can’t end up like Europe, too unsure to even stick up for itself. Now, it seems to me that the appropriate response from the military right now should not be to assure us diversity will be preserved; that’s secondary and a concern for another day. What they should be doing is vowing that if anyone else in the military is found to have views similar to Hasan, they will be immediately thrown out of the military and gutted like a pig.

Incidentally, one of the things that apparently made Hasan angry was that another soldier ripped an “Allah is love” bumper sticker off of his car. Well, he sure showed him when he shot a pregnant woman in the back.

Ace has an update on his yet unnamed Vegas conference. Sounds like it will be happening, and SarahK and I definitely plan to attend.

I think some of you had some good suggestions for it. One great idea is to get it sponsored by Halliburton. We really want absolutely everything about this conference/party to make liberals’ heads explode.

I had another idea of my own that could make a lot of money: A Charles Johnson dunking booth. Charles Johnson will yell at everyone that they’re crazy extremists to goad them into trying to dunk him. $5 for three shots; I think it will make a ton of money.

Also, I think the conference will be a good time to unveil my new invention: The carbon footprint enhancer. It’s a machine you fill with gasoline and then plug into the wall. It then inefficiently uses electricity to burn the gasoline. It’s great if you have lots of gasoline lying around you want to dispose of. I also plan to make one that burns coal.

So remember to clear your calendar for this. And since I have no idea when it’s supposed to be, that means clearing the entire calendar. Who really likes Christmas anyway?

Crowder’s next video is delayed, but it looks like it will be cool. He’s visiting Gitmo:

I’ve realized that my IMAO Privacy Policy is a bit inadequate, so I’ll give you all a way to opt out of having your information shared with spammers and the Russian mafia (even though they’re a very efficient mafia). Basically, I’ll add a button allowing you to opt out. All you’ll have to do is input your social security number and date of birth so I can know for certain who it is I shouldn’t share the information of.

So, any of you have some hilarious credit card numbers you want to tell me about in the comments? I think ones with lots of threes are funny.

Ace of Spades is thinking about doing a right-wing blogocentric version of the Yearly Kos and wants your input. I think this is an awesome idea… except for imitating Yearly Kos. I don’t want us to be a bunch of lameos trying to forget how lame they are and pretending they can accomplish something; it should just be one major kick ass party! And I say we have it in Vegas because it’s not too far from me and everyone loves Vegas. And we make it such a huge outrageous party that we basically turn off the whole city from ever wanting to vote for a conservative. Harry Reid should have a heart attack from just hearing it’s in his state. And it should have a carbon footprint so huge that eight polar bears die from it.

It will be epic!

So what should we have at what I’m tentatively titling “The Right-Wing Super Awesome Fun Party of Fun!”? Here’s some of my own ideas so far:

WHAT WE SHOULD HAVE AT THE RIGHT-WING SUPER AWESOME FUN PARTY OF FUN

* A panel on hippie punching led by Fred Thompson.

* A bouncy castle.

* A mixed martial arts competition.

* Indoor fireworks.

* A panel of top scientist discussing where we are on making space lasers and dinosaurs with rocket launchers on them.

* Crazed elephants.

* Guns, guns, and more guns. And then other guns than those.

* A rally for Ned Lamont.

* Top rocks bands from around the world. And if any of them object to playing for conservatives, we punch them for being hippies.

* Reagan policy look-alike contest.

* Eight open bars. And then a ninth, secret, extra-open bar.

* A panel of top theologians answering the question: “How much does God hate RINOs?”

* Ninja assassins guarding the doors making sure no liberals get in.

* Free punch and pie.

* Awesome lessons, taught by me.

* Explosions.

* Robots.

* Katanas.

* Sarah Palin.

And afterward we can force liberals to watch videotape of what went on at our party and their heads will explode!

So what do you want at The Right-Wing Super Awesome Fun Party of Fun? Make sure to tell Ace too.

It would be so awesome to make one of these. The best way I’ve come up with for accelerating monkeys is to fire them out of a large cannon. It’s really hard to get a high-speed collision, though, because the firing of them is so inaccurate; they’re not like their bullets spun by rifling which tend to follow the same path. You just have to keep firing monkeys in the air at the same time and hope two slam into each other, but it’s easy to lose track of the monkeys that way. Then you have monkeys running around everywhere and it’s a big mess, but if you can actually get two monkeys to slam into each other and catch it on a high-speed camera it all seems worth it.

What’s been your experience at getting monkeys to slam into each other?