(Barack, Lois Lerner, Eric Holder, Joe Biden and Jon Gruber are seated around the table)
Michelle: (enters carrying the turkey) And here is the center of the meal, the roast tofurkey. I remember reading of how my ancestors used to hunt the wild tofurkey in the plains of the Serengeti.
Barack: Ingrid and that fake indian lady aren’t with us this year, so you don’t have to pretend the meal is wild and vegan. Michelle: Oh. Great. Forget that then. This is real turkey. You know the one that Barack pardoned yesterday? This is it.
Barack: The turkeys were all slated to go to the homeless shelter, so I selected the tastiest looking one and pardoned it just for us.
Michelle: Why should the homeless people get the best one? They should be grateful to get anything at all, right?
All: Hear, hear.
Joe: A toast! To those of us that aren’t homeless! (He reaches for his glass of milk and knocks it over on the table)
Michelle: Oh, Joe. I told you you weren’t ready for the big boy glasses yet. This is why you still use the sippy cups. Can you hand me over some napkins, please?
Holder: Hey. These napkins have excerpts from the Constitution on them.
Barack: They aren’t excerpts.
Holder: You mean? No!
Holder: You made napkins from the Constitution?
Holder: The real Constitution?
Barack: Yes! That’s the original, baby. It’s not like we need it anymore. One more barrier I broke through.
Holder: Let’s see what part I have here. All legislative Powers herein granted shall be vested in a Congress….
Barack: No, no, no. Wait a minute. That’s not right. All of Article I was supposed to be made into toilet paper.
Michelle: Ok, that mess is mopped up now.
Barack: Let’s get started then. I’ll say grace. All hail me. And by executive order, none of this food has any calories. Dig in.
Michelle: We have a tradition. We like to have everyone at the table say something they are thankful for.
Joe: Me first. Me first.
Barack: Ok, Joe. What are you thankful for?
Joe: Um, I don’t know. What was the question again?
Michelle: Why don’t you start Lois?
Joe: No, no, no. I’m ready now. I am thankful for my big brain. I invented something that will make me lots of money. You know fruit leather? Why do they only make it out of fruit? Fruit is all girly. We need fruit leather for men. Here. Try these. There is pork fruit leather and buffalo wing fruit leather and omelet fruit leather.
Barack: Omelets aren’t man food.
Joe: Yes they is.
Barack: No they aren’t.
Joe: It’s my invention, so I get to say. Try them. I made them myself. It is really easy. I just left them under my bed until they got soft and them smashed them with a rolling pin and then dried them on the roof. (eating them) Good, huh?
Gruber: I am thankful that I did not put any of that in my mouth yet.
Michelle (trying not to retch): And how about you, Lois. What are you thankful for this year?
Lois: I’m thankful for a really talented IT expert.
Holder: Lois, you just have to give the number of your IT guy. No matter how many times I delete that fast and furious stuff, some brainiac is able to recover everything.
Lois: I’ll e-mail you his contact info.
Holder: No. Don’t e-mail it. No trails.
Lois: No worries. He’s got me covered. He’s brilliant. He’s the same guy that hacked Sheryl Attkinsson’s computer.
Gruber: While we are on the topic of IT, that reminds me. It seems we may have been found out a little bit, and the voters aren’t quite as stupid as we had supposed. I have a way to change that. We just need Lois’s IT guy to hack into eharmony, dateaclown.com, farmersonly.com, onceyouhadblack.com.
Joe: LOLcats.com is my favorite.
Barack: He is talking about dating sites, Joe.
Joe: I know that. Honeybunny.com is a good one too if you like furries and stuff. I will hug it and hug it and pet it and pet it and call it George.
Gruber: Geez, you’re as stupid as the voters. And you are getting off topic. I’m not talking about furries…
Holder: We get it. You can’t get a date. No one is stupid enough to go out with you, so you have an algorithm aim all the hotties to your profile. I want in on that action too.
Joe: Me too. George hasn’t moved for days now no matter how much I hug her and pet her.
Gruber: Gads. Am I the only non-stupid person here? This isn’t about getting me dates.
Holder: Oh come on. Do you really expect us to believe that? How long have we all known each other? Decades? Does anyone remember him having a date in that entire time?
(All mumble and shake their heads)
Holder: You really expect us to believe that this isn’t some elaborate scheme just to finally lose your virginity?
Gruber: Gads! How many times do I have to tell you guys I’m not a virgin!
Joe: Farm animals don’t count, you know. The website says so.
Gruber: AAAAAAH! This is not about getting me dates. This is about making more stupid people.
Barack: A girl would have to be pretty stupid to date you. You sure that isn’t really what is going on here? Sounds to me like you are covering something up. Sounds like the lies you told me about MeCare.
Gruber: Ok, just listen to me for a minute, OK, without interrupting me. I read last week that over 1/3 of all marriages last year were the result of online dating websites. People like them. They trust them. We need to control the websites so we can control who meets up and who breeds. We need to breed more stupidity into the American population so we can snow them more easily.
Barack: And get you more dates.
Gruber: No, that has nothing to do with it.
Barack: It’s ok. You can admit it to us. We won’t tell the public about it.
Gruber: No, you can’t tell the public anything about this. You can’t let them know we are breeding them to be sheep.
Joe: Breeding with sheep doesn’t work. I already tried that. No wooly babies.
Gruber: Try and see what I am saying here. We hack into the websites and insert this algorithm I wrote that controls who gets matched up. We use the dating websites so that Republicans and smart people don’t get paired up with anyone. Only Democrats and stupid people get smiles and winks and messages or whatever. We are effectively sterilizing those who oppose us.
Joe: Yea! I get lots of dates now.
Barack: Oh, oh, oh. I see. But I can do you one better. We don’t pair up the smart people and Republicans with nobody. We pair them up with psycho killers. After one date, bam, they’re a statistic, an ex-voter. And we all know who the dead vote for.
Holder: It’ll never work. No one wants to date a psycho killer. When their interests include making a human skin suit from my ex-girlfriends, they’ll never meet up.
Barack: Oh, I hadn’t thought of that. Even Gruber isn’t that desperate.
Michelle (laughing suddenly): Oh wait. You remember that prank Nancy played on Gruber?
Gruber: We were supposed to never speak of that.
Michelle: No, no, wait. It’s relevant. We have to. She made that fake profile for Ashley Madison with a photo she scanned of that hot blonde that came in her picture frame. And then she used it to flirt with Gruber until he fell in love with her and just had to meet her.
Barack: Oh yeah. I remember that. Gruber even made that little Ashley doll out of playdoh and smooched it when he thought we couldn’t see him.
Gruber: Hey, if the real Ashley kissed half as well as that doll….
Michelle: And then when they arranged to have a real life date, Nancy dropped off that pig with lipstick at the restaurant with the Ashley name tag.
Barack: Ha ha ha ha. We totally need to pull that video after the pie. Your expression was priceless, Gruby. It’s a good thing MeCare covers your mental health issues.
Michelle: Because he sure doesn’t need the birth control coverage.
Michelle: And I can’t believe you tried to take the pig home with you.
Gruber: Shut up, guys. I was gonna slaughter it for bacon.
Barack: And the pig refused to go with you.
Gruber: I said shut up, guys.
Michelle: No means no. But the reason I was bringing this up is we can do the same thing here. We set up fake profiles with hotties and then when date time shows up, send in Hannibal the Cannibal or whoever. Even if they escape from him, they’ll be too traumatized to date again, let alone reproduce. Lois, you gotta get your IT guy in on this.
Lois: I’ll give him a call. I like this plan way better than auditing them anyway. I can torture them for real before I off them. Can you set me up with Ted Cruz first? I like eating Mexican. How long do you figure it will take to get this up and running? And how many do you calculate we can ‘permanently audit’ in the first year.
Gruber: Oh, I don’t know. I can’t do math in my head.
Lois: Here’s a paper and pen.
Gruber: I can’t do math on paper.
Lois: Here, use my laptop.
Gruber: I can’t do math with a computer.
Barack: Who cares? We can make up the numbers later. If they don’t add up, I can executive order them into submission. It’s good to be the king. Football time!
Joe: Can we watch the Redskins? Please. They’re the home team.
Barack: I can’t believe you said that, Joe. You are such a racist. We’re gonna watch the Vikings versus the Cowboys. Hmmmmm. I wonder if I could use an executive order to force the Redskins to change their name. I could get behind calling them the Washington Crackers. No. I’ve got it. The Washington Rednecks. Go get me a pen and some paper Joe. Emperor Obama has a proclamation to write.