There is an affliction going around. Maybe you have seen it in your friends or acquaintances. It usually manifests itself by a vacuous, glassy look in the eyes, an obsession with Rachel Maddow or John Stewart and a tendency to say things so stupid only an intellectual could believe them. They seem to think they are part of an elite class that knows best how each of us should live our lives, and they would like to regulate away the individual’s freedom to choose. This affliction has a name, my friends, and that name is demonic possession. We now know that this affliction is caused by possession by an evil spirit known as a Demoncrat. Fortunately, there is a cure.
Should you suspect a friend or loved one is suffering from this affliction, we, for a slight fee, would be willing to perform the ritual taxorcism to banish the Demoncrat spirit. The ritual requires the following components:
1) The Federalist Papers, The Constitution, The Wealth of Nations and the Holy Bible, any of which is enough to make a liberal spirit weep and wail and gnash its teeth;
2 ) An American flag lapel pin, equally repellent to the liberal spirit;
3) Holy water prepared from unbottled, unfiltered, municipal tap water;
4) Crude oil scraped from either an otter or a pelican. It must not be contaminated at any point by hippy;
5) Ropes made from anything other than hemp or any other recyclable material;
6) Bedding made only from the skins and pelts of cute, furry mammals;
7) Food items from any establishment that has been the victim of a PETA protest;
8) Copious amounts of bacon and veal;
9) Artificial vegetables made wholly from animal by products from extinct or endangered animals. The use of extinct animals (particularly those hunted to extinction), though difficult to acquire, is particularly powerful, though endangered ones will suffice;
10) An assault rifle, preferably a banned one;
11 ) Tanks of compressed carbon dioxide;
12) Podcasts of Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Greg Gutfeld, Ace of Spades and Glenn Beck;
13) A number of portraits of Ronald Reagan;
14) A large jar of jelly beans as a suitable offering;
15) Industrial strength carpet and fabric stain remover; and
16) Lots and lots of wet wipes.
While we unequivocally recommend that you leave this ritual in the hands of our expert taxorcists, if you disregard this warning and attempt the ritual yourself, please note the following:
1) Please ensure the subject is securely bound on the bed. Once the ritual begins, they will try to contort their body and reinsert their head into their butt as a protective measure. If they succeed, an extraction must be performed and the ritual must be reinitiated.
2) Please pay no heed to the vile utterances that will spew from the mouth of the subject. Remember, it is the inner Demoncrat speaking. No matter how often it calls you a racist, homophobic, gun-clinging, religion-clinging, flyover, redneck ignoramous, stick to your guns. No matter how often they beg for socialized medicine, do not succumb.
3) At some point the subject will projectile vomit. Don’t worry. That is normal and natural. It is the body’s way of purging the vegan spirit. Whenever this happens, replenish and nourish them with any of the non-PETA approved foods.
4) If the subject’s head begins to turn around, that is also normal. It will need to turn at least a full 180° before the spinal column is once again properly aligned and logical thinking can resume.
5) At no point must you ever let the podcasts stop playing.
6) Lastly, if things seem to get out of hand, sprinkle the subject with the holy water, attach the flag pin to their lapel and begin a litany of “The Power of Reagan Compels Thee.”
Should things get entirely out of hand, for a mere $2,499.99, our expert taxorcists will be happy to take care of the problem for you. Simply contact us at:
Lactose the Intolerant
The van under the overpass down by the river