Dual Survival: HRC Campaign Headquarters – Part 2

Joe (unzipping the backpack): Let’s see what resources we have to work with.  Well, there’s a fair amount of hemp.

Matt: We should take that.

Joe: Totally, bro. We can make some cordage out of that.

Matt: Yeah, cordage….

Joe: And some striped, footy pajamas?

Matt: Better take those too.

Joe: I’m not wearing those, dude.

Matt: Those are all that could be standing between us and hypothermia. The AC is really cranked up in here.

Joe: Which is surprising given that Hillary is known to be extremely cold blooded.

Matt: Just fighting global warming one cubicle at a time, bro.  Cooling the globe through technology.

Joe: I’m still not taking the PJs.  You can take them if you want them.

Matt: Then I’m sleeping toasty tonight.  What do you think about the Obama phone?  Take it or leave it?

Joe: That’s a tough call.  I don’t like leaving resources like that behind, but I just don’t know if I trust it, you know.  It’s probably what got us in this mess in the first place.

Matt:  Totally.  And the NSA will be using it to watch us, bro.  Could be preparing to send the drones out after us already.

Joe: It’s not the NSA I’m worried about.  The security on those things is so weak, odds are the Russians have already hacked it.  Putin is probably watching us.

Matt: Maybe you could look for some kind of reset button.

Joe: I’m really on the fence on this one.

Matt: Why don’t we just take it for now, and if we notice anything suspicious, we can ditch it.

Joe: Ok, I can live with that, but I’m not using the GPS.

Matt: Should we head, then?

Joe: We’re right in the middle of mindless zombie country, and you know how I am about forced protection, so give me a minute, dude.

Matt: I think you are right.  We definitely need something to keep the horde back if we happen upon them.

Joe: The problem with these Hillary thralls is that their brains are so tiny, it makes them really hard to kill.  You can fill their head with holes, I mean, really turn their skull into swiss cheese, and they just keep on coming cause you haven’t even grazed the brain yet.

Matt: So, what do you suggest?

Joe: Our best bet is to find something that will ward them off or scare them off.

Matt: Send them scurrying away into their safe spaces.  I like it.

Joe: Anything that looks like a gun should do the trick.  They have no experience at all with real weapons, so any reasonable facsimile should do it.  Anything with a pointy end and a handle should open their bowels right up.

Matt: Too bad I already ate my Pop Tart, bro.  Hey, maybe we can use this stapler.  Just swing it open at the hinge here. You can even shoot some staples at them if you were in a bind.

Joe:  I like it.  And if you do it fast enough, they might even think it’s some sort of automatic weapon.

Matt: An unregulated assault stapler.

Joe: That should make them run crying for their crayons.  Oh, but before we go.  A couple more quick things.  I’m going to take this Sharpie and obscure my marine tat.  And you better turn that Bernie 2016 shirt inside out.  If they see military or Bernie, those Hillary zombies will start seeing pink, and I don’t even think the staplers will slow them down then, bro.

Matt: On it.  Are we ready then?

Joe: Let’s go.

(To be continued, maybe, if I feel like it….)

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Dual Survival: HRC Campaign Headquarters – Part 1

Narrator: Special Operations veteran Joe Teti and primitive hunter-gatherer Matt Graham , two guys with two opposing survival strategies, are wading through one of the nation’s sleaziest places to show us how to make it out alive.

(Snap cut to Joe)

Joe: Once you get sucked down into it, it’s almost impossible to get out.  This place is very aggressive.  The minute you get here, you are fighting for your soul.

Narrator: HRC Campaign Headquarters, dominated by rubes, radicals and corrupt, foreign donors, this place has over 65,000 square feet of cubicles and conference rooms manned with hostile social justice warriors who would like nothing better than to turn you into one of their dead voters.

(Snap cut to Matt)

Matt: This is one of those wild frontiers left where a person can wander in and disappear for years, only to resurface to take up permanent residence in a sanctuary city, a faculty lounge or the lobby of the unemployment office.

Narrator: These offices are home to a number of venomous creatures like leftists, race-baiters, and cop-killers.

(Snap cut to Joe)

Joe: This is a very hostile environment.  Everything here is trying to take you out from the beginning.

Narrator: It all provides cover for the most deadly apex corruptor of them all, Hillary Rodham.

(Snap cut to Matt)

Matt: It can get up to five and a half feet tall, pushing almost 250 pounds, and it can lash out with a vicious and unreasoning vitriol.  When you hear that grating fake laughter, your heart just stops and tries to flee through any sphincter it can find.

Narrator: In this scenario, Joe and Matt take on the role of Bernie supporting millennials who mistakenly wander into the HRC Campaign Headquarters.

(Snap cut to Matt and Joe)

Matt: Reality is so fluid and twisted in here, you’ll find yourself lost with no clear direction how to get out.

Joe: You’re in a white water swamp, surrounded by progressives, with no way to navigate out.  You make a small mistake here, you’re gonna pay for it.  This is where your story ends.

Narrator: This is Dual Survival.

Joe (approaching two backpacks on the floor): These guys got themselves in a bad spot, and that’s putting it mildly.  I can imagine they had the munchies and probably had some money left on their food stamp card.

Matt: And those are use it or lose it, you know, bro.

Joe: Exactly.  So they had their free Obama phone out using the GPS to locate the nearest Whole Foods or Organic Market so they can get their organic wheat grass.

Matt: Or their Chilean sea bass flavored tofu snacks.

Joe: Or whatever.  But what they don’t realize is that the people who programmed the Obama GPS were the same folks who programmed the Obamacare website.

Matt: It was a packaged deal, really, bro.

Joe: Totally. It was in all the papers.  So anyway, they’re following the crap GPS, and before they know it, they’re right in the middle of hostile territory, surrounded by dangerous natives with no idea how to get out.

(To be continued, maybe, if I feel like it…..)

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The Truth About Wolverine

[High Praise! to Basic Instructions]

Wolverine is a superhero. He murders villains with knives that are built into his arms. He can also heal really fast, and has an unbreakable skeleton, but without the knives, he wouldn’t be much use. He’d mostly serve as a distraction, allowing the enemy to beat him mercilessly while the rest of the team does more important work.

I think he’d be called “The Pummelee.”

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Pondering Girl Ghostbusters

Girl Ghostbusters stinks. For 70 million reasons.

Which makes me wonder… is there such a thing as a good remake?

I’d argue in favor of Nick Cage’s “Gone in 60 Seconds” over the very boring 1974 original, but outside of that, I’m at a loss. Chime in with your favorite remake in the comments.

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Quote of the Day

[High Praise! to Hope n’ Change Cartoons]

Basically, the Left gives you only two choices: you can be a ward of the state, or an enemy of the state.

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Opus Indignationem

It’s time for me to take off the gloves. No more Mr. Nice Keln. I’ve been incredibly patient with the stupids this entire election season, especially up to the point where Donald Trump was the nominee and the stupids continued to cry about it like babies that didn’t get their blankie and their nappy.

I’ve delicately tried to lay out a reasonable argument as to why they should just go along with it and focus on the greater threat here, which is Hillary Clinton. I was being diplomatic.

No more. It’s now time to explain to these infantile, deluded ignoramuses what the real deal is. From this point forward, I’m going to be tossing out bricks of truth. And I don’t care who gets hit in the blankie.

The Conservative Well has been poisoned. And it’s been poisoned over a long period of time by two primary actors. This poisoning of the well has been a concerted effort to twist and distort conservatism away from the Reagan vision of a Shining City on a Hill into this ideology of corporatism and globalism that exists today…Neoconservativism.

We’ve been told since about the mid-80s that free trade at all costs is somehow a conservative virtue. That it shall not be questioned. That somehow, what is best for the corporate elite is best for us. Never mind that these neocons consider Reagan a hero. And never mind that Reagan used tariffs to balance trade and protect US manufacturing. This was a new model…their model. It led to NAFTA. It has led to an expansion of the WTO. And it has led to ignoring the stipulations of our trade deals, including NAFTA, with respect to currency manipulation and basic cheating.

And it is leading to TPP.

And what now do we have to show for this so-called golden “conservative” virtue of free trade at all costs? An economy on a downhill, crap-coated Slip’N’Slide to Hell. There are no jobs. Let me repeat this for you peons: THERE ARE NO JOBS.

Here’s what happened. Back in the day, the United States was a manufacturing-based economy. Main Street held political power, people had jobs, growth was through the roof, and life was good, for it’s time.

Then some people had the bright idea that they could make a crap ton of money through investment banking. However, the Glass-Steagall Act of the 30s kept such banking separated from the capital-commercial banking industry. Basically, these would-be paper-traders had no real capital to risk. And without all of that capital, they couldn’t make all of that money in the paper market.

So they eroded the Act, using the courts, mainly in the 1970s-1990s. Eventually, the Glass-Steagall Act was repealed (under Clinton of course). Investment banking combined with the commercial banks and the ginormous banks we see today (that are “too big to fail”) were born. The predominant market shifted from a tangible market to a paper market…or a Shadow Market.

As such, the political power shifted from the industrialists and manufacturers to the corporate investment bankers. And so the focus shifted from maintaining a manufacturing powerhouse in the US to buying power on the global market. Great for the traders, but a death knell for US manufacturing.

With all of that money, you can see now how political power was suddenly in the hands of banks and investment firms. And you can now see why these corporatists wouldn’t give a rodent’s posterior about American workers or really even the American economy. They were Global now. They have transcended borders. And to them, borders are really an obstacle.

I’m sure you can fast-forward along those lines from the late 80s until now and see how we have come to the point we are now in. If you can’t…well you are a really slow learner, and I’ve not the time to explain it to you. I can’t type that slowly.

It would be easy to blame the Democrats for all of this, considering the worst steps were all signed into law by Bill Clinton. But in reality, both the Democrats and the Republicans were at fault here. There is really very little difference between your average Democrat and Republican. Their checks are written by the same investment firms. They are visited by the same K-street pimps.

If you really want to shift blame around, you need to look at the two primary actors behind twisting Conservatism into something that would allow this to happen: Conservative punditry and Conservative Think Tanks.

For decades, Conservative punditry has been vastly controlled by one man: William Kristol. It sounds crazy, even conspiracy theorish…except that books and articles have for years been written about his singular influence on Conservative media. The Wall Street Journal, as an example, used to chase stories based merely on where Kristol’s finger happened to be pointing. That’s a lot of power vested in one man.

And of course Kristol is literally owned by Wall Street. He’s worked hard to warp conservatism in an effort to gain his power, influence, and especially all of that money. Another guy in this lollapalooza of nefarious punditry is Charles Krauthammer. As I like to say about these two gentlemen, I’ve become pretty regular as I’ve gotten older. I flush a Krauthammer every day, and when I eat Tex-Mex, I get a bad case of Kristol. But I digress.

The other actor, Conservative think tanks, are really little more than pseudo-academic conglomerates paid for by grants from….ta da! Wall Street. Their entire purpose is to continue to push the “free trade at all costs” agenda. Keep the borders open, eliminate tariffs, and make it as easy as pie for companies to relocate to countries where labor is almost slavery and importing into the US doesn’t cost anything.

How do they make it so easy to convince manufacturers (that these investment types bet on) to leave the US? Taxation and Regulation. Makes it pretty hard to keep operating here when you have to pay all of those costs. And starting a new business? Fuggifaboudit.

That is your modern conservatives for you. And hence, your modern conservative party. Last year, about 17 Republicans stepped forward to run for President. Of the 17, only two had no connections to Wall Street, and only one had no reason to accept a dime from Wall Street. The one guy was Donald Trump. He represents the old, almost now defunct, Main Street. The old industrialists who no longer have much power. The other outsider, Ben Carson, never had the kind of capital (or charisma) to mount a serious campaign.

The Federal Government loves to issue unemployment numbers that have no basis in reality. “Unemployment”, according to the government, means people who are literally on unemployment benefits. Once your bennies run out…you are now no longer “unemployed”. This in no way represents the true unemployment figures (1 in 5 households have 0 adults with a job).

Manufacturing is all but gone. And the so-called service economy is not, and never will be, big enough to make up for it. And the service economy is by-and-large composed of minimum wage jobs. The American Dream is not about flipping burgers at McDonalds or stacking shelves at WalMart. Those are supposed to be teenager jobs.

Adult jobs were supposed to be working at factories, making THINGS. Now China, Mexico, South Korea, Japan, Vietnam, Thailand, Malaysia, and others make all of those things. All we do is buy them. That is an untenable situation. It is only a matter of time before our entire economy collapses on itself. We’re screwed unless we can change back to a Main Street economy. The very economy that created the middle class.

Enter Trump. He has literally been talking about all of this since the 1980s. For all of you morons saying “oh, he’s really a Democrat, mer mer mer”…shut your whorish mouth. He has been saying the same doggone thing for decades. He saw what would happen, it happened, now he is saying “I told you so”. And not only that, he is saying “and we can fix it”. He’s pretty optimistic. I don’t know if I am as optimistic, but at least not continuing to dig a hole is a step in the right direction.

My point is, and this is for the stupids (those who call themselves “Never Trump”), the well was poisoned, even before Reagan left office. And it has poisoned your thinking. You have a definition of “Conservative Principles” branded into your hide that you just cannot shake off. And you have been listening for decades to punditry who have reaffirmed these so-called principles so long, you are not willing to accept you could have been wrong.

The difference between you and a lot of us is this: We can admit we were wrong. Gloriously wrong, and I am OK with that. I still consider Reagan my hero. It’s easy…because he wasn’t a part of that neoconism in the first place.

But your pride has you so latched onto that, because you invested so many years into that thinking, that you cannot let go, and to Hell with the world before you will let go. Arrogant pride, nothing more. That is all you are reduced to.

It’s time to let go. It’s time to look around and see who all of these people supporting Trump are. No, many might not have been staunch conservatives in the past. Some were even Democrats (shudder). Some of us have been super-staunch conservatives all of our lives. But we all have a common bond…we love our country. And we see it going down the tubes. And out of all of these political candidates and pundits we’ve listened to over the years, Trump is the first in a position to win that is actually speaking to the real problems in this country. He is not so fascinated with social issues, which are used to divide us every election.

He is going back to the old “it’s the economy, stupid” motto. And he’s right. It really is the economy. From economic security, national security is assured. And everything else is possible once those two are fixed.

People aren’t supporting Trump because he had a reality show (which I never actually watched), or because he has a giant ego or a line of ties or wines or steaks or hotels. We’re supporting him in spite of a lot of that stuff. It’s the message we’re interested in. And God save Trump if he were lying, because this movement behind him will not stand for it. We want America First, and we want to change the political climate. NOW.

Call it Populism if you like. I’m sure you had some professor tell you that “populism is bad mmkay…because Nazis”. Well, professors are usually leftist stupids, so keep that in mind.

But the message of Trump isn’t all that populist. It’s simply sensible. Our economy sucks. People are out of work. The reasons why are definable. And the solutions, while maybe not as easy as he says they are (or are they?), are definitely doable.

And his message is not demagoguery. Saying such is a nice intellectual-sounding argument without any substance. Trump doesn’t play on fears: he points out reality. Literally nothing he points out is anything everyone doesn’t already know. It is just that he points it out without apology or sugar-coating. We already know Islamic terrorism is a serious threat to our existence. We already know that unmitigated immigration is a recipe for disaster, both from an economic and security standpoint.

And the argument that Trump is a racist: leftist projection. Trump is big tent. He has even stated he is big tent. He doesn’t pander. The left panders. Hillary panders. She labels everyone. And depending on what your label is, you get a different speech. Trump gives everyone the same speech. His ideology: Make America Great for Everyone.

It isn’t racism. It is indifference to race. It isn’t sexism, it is indifference to gender. The man who broke racial barriers on golf courses and gender barriers in the construction world cares about one thing only: can you do the job? Your race or your gender don’t matter.

That is not racism nor is it sexism. And those calling him such are the same who call anyone they disagree with sexist or racist. Those words have lost their power when coming from the left.

I will never ask anyone to like Donald Trump. But I will ask you to let go of your pride and stop being such a rube. Politicians and media have been playing us all for decades. I’ve fallen for a lot of it myself, with McCain followed by Romney as wake-up calls that all was not well in modern conservatism. It turned me real cynical. I’m still a cynic, but I am taking a chance here.

Might as well. The alternative is…Clinton.

Cross-posted at NukingPolitics.com

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Clinton News Network vs Trump Questions

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Donald Trump…again

Since I’ve been given permission to continue with my pro-Trump crusade, I am going to continue doing so.

Because the alternative is horrendous.

I actually watched Hillary Clinton’s speech the other night. As speeches go, it was bad. But I kept an open mind. My open mind told me to batten down hatches and dive dive dive. It was horrible.

Look, you can’t always get what you want, as the song goes. But sometimes, you get what you need.

I am not gonna ask people to fall in love with Donald Trump, nor do I give crap if they do.

But what is at stake here? Hillary Clinton as president.

That means open borders, pay to play at the presidential level, full blown corruption in government instead of the pussy-footing around it. And most of all it means leftist activist judges on the Supreme Court.

Really, are you willing to basically toss our Republic into a trash can because of your pride? Because you “just can’t get behind Trump because he said this thing I don’t like”?

For Pete’s sake get REAL.

#NeverTrump people, to me, are the lamest people alive. I really don’t get you. I could care less if you are excited about a candidate. Who the hell should be excited about a candidate in the first place? I’ve read the Constitution. It says nothing about being excited about a candidate. All I know is, if Hillary wins, she will sell us out like we’re some crap from the 80s she found in her basement and it’s Yard Sale time.

I don’t care if you like Trump. I consider that a personal problem anyway. You’re so uppity in your views you cannot accept Trump because…blah.

I mean, really. We accepted Romney. ROMNEY. That dude was a stuttering clusterflip of a candidate if I’ve ever seen one. But we, like obedient servants, accepted Mittens in 2012. Because, like good little servants, we accepted that he was accepted.

Seriously, that guy was a douche. Trump may not embody everything that you think the perfect candidate should, but he is a tough guy. He is a lion. He is what we need right now after 8 years of a beta male who thinks a bicycle is living on the edge.

Those chimps in the media. They keep chattering their garbage. They keep nipping at the lion’s mane. But at the end of the day, when the lion awakens…it never ends well for the chimps.

trump-lion

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And More Explosive Leaks

Everyone is talking about the release of the DNC e-mails documenting the collusion to ensure Bernie didn’t get the nomination, but the media is ignoring the other more literal bombshells contained in the e-mail leaks.  I’m talking about the e-mails documenting how Huma is working with ISIS to make them more palatable to those in the new Clintonocracy.  Apparently, she was working with Baghdadi on a new ISIS ad campaign aimed at building bridges of commonality between ISIS and the left. One e-mail had a number of proposed slogans toward this end:

  • ISIS: We never use air conditioning.
  • ISIS: Reducing carbon emissions one death at a time.
  • ISIS: No lives matter.
  • ISIS: At least we aren’t Christian.
  • ISIS: We hated pigs long before BLM.
  • ISIS: We’re an equal opportunity exploder.
  • ISIS: We don’t care about Hillary’s server.  Our hackers have better things to hack.
  • ISIS: Fewer women molested per capita than the Bill Clinton White House.
  • ISIS: As Allah is our witness, we always thought homosexuals could fly.
  • ISIS: We were into microaggressions before it was cool – anthrax, bubonic plague, ebola….
  • ISIS: Making the world a safe space one beheading at a time.
  • ISIS: The science is settled – there is no God but Allah, and Mohammad is his prophet.
  • ISIS: Death to American way of life.
  • ISIS: Borders? Allah doesn’t recognize those imaginary lines either.
  • ISIS: Admit it. Wouldn’t the convention have been more entertaining if Bernie were stoned during his speech?
  • ISIS: Shutting down free speech since 610 AD.
  • ISIS: Be honest.  Given the chance, wouldn’t you rough up a redneck.
  • ISIS: We love gun-free zones.
  • ISIS: Screw reparations. Isn’t it time to try white slavery?
  • ISIS: So, you say you have an overpopulation problem….
  • ISIS: We’ve always supported the fair and equal redistribution of limbs.
  • ISIS: The original SJWs – Sharia Justice Warriors.
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POTUS Speech DNC 2016

Obama said a lot of things in his speech to the DNC Convention.

I just wanted to point out the most important thing about it:

Obama eats dogs.

That is all.

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Make America Great Again

MakeAmericaGreatAgain

The following is an edited version of my original post at Nukingpolitics.com

I know the general attitude around here is “I am not excited about a presidential candidate and I want a sweet meteor of death to just kill us all”.

Ho hum.

Frank J is sooo pessimistic like that. And he and I are enemies. I think. I’m not actually sure. I think he responded to an email I sent him once and he challenged me to a fight, saying something about his father and how many fingers I have. I dunno.

Well, all I have to say to that is…meh.

I never thought in a million years I would be this excited about Donald Trump.

I mean…it’s Donald Trump, right? Kind of a goofball, entertainer type, business mogul. Calls into Fox & Friends every once in a while, has a reality show.

What does he know about America and being president?

Apparently a lot.

Time after time after time, he nailed it in his acceptance speech and his rallies. Speaking to The People, not the political class. Not to the media. Not to the corporatists. Not to the pundits. But to the people.

Even if he had no idea what the real problems in this country were (and video evidence suggests he did know), he literally spent time listening to what the people…callers to radio talk shows and the like…were saying for the last few years. One can only assume he talked to his “bottom level” employees as well. And I am sure he talked to plenty of other business owners, who he knew personally. All to find out (or to verify) what the real problems in America are.

And you can criticize his way of speaking if you like. You can criticize his hair. You can criticize all kinds of superficial things about him. But when it comes to substance. When it comes to ACTUAL…he is beyond criticism.

Because he has allowed himself to become a voice for the people. He is saying what we have all been thinking.

The political elite call this “populism”, and they say that with derision. They say populism means “catering to the masses”.

I’m wondering where the masses fits in with “Government of, by and for the people”.

No, we are not a straight democracy of mob rule. But the majority does still rule. Because the majority feels, personally, the effects of every single policy established by their “betters”. The “betters” who are conveniently never effected by those policies.

Populism, better defined, is running on a platform that the majority of people (lower and middle class) can recognize as things that will make their situation better.

The upside of that, in a capitalist society, is that what makes lower and middle class lives better actually helps Main Street business. Wall street will lose, at first, but it’s not going to bankrupt them. And, let’s be honest…when has the Dow or the S&P indices ever helped the average American personally?

Jobs, manufacturing, making things…created right here in this country. Manufacturers not looking for a quick exit to a cheaper base of operations, will help Americans get back to work. Then they will have money to spend. And the government will not be shelling out money it doesn’t have to people not employed. And they will be collecting taxes from those who are.

And when there are jobs, jobs, jobs, everywhere, then crime falls. A small percentage of criminals are just evil people. The majority are less than stellar at making life choices, but when there is obvious, legal, opportunity…they take it. Less crime, less angst, when there is opportunity.

Trump said “We cannot have prosperity without Law and Order.” This is true. But we cannot have Law and Order without Prosperity. Look at every crappy nation in the world. What do they have in common? The majority of the people are either dirt poor or struggling.

If it is populism to reestablish basic economics 101 and basic national security, then we need a heavy dose of populism.

This may be a Correction. This may be a Revolution. But whatever it is, it is a SOLUTION.

I know I usually deal in snark. I know that is the order of the day around here right now. And I know I could lose my honored place as a contributor to this great website I have loved for a long time. But we are at a crossroads. I am feeling it as a government contractor now. I would be in prison for what she did. What Hillary got away with is an absolute travesty. Her as president is not an option.

We have to be a nation of laws. We have to be a nation where those laws are enforced. And a sweet meteor of death is not going to do that. Staying at home because “your guy” wasn’t nominated is not going to accomplish that.

Preventing Hillary Clinton from gaining the presidency is the equivalent of fighting the greatest battle ever. Each and everyone of us must commit to that.

I personally have endorsed Donald Trump. It was a long road to come to that for me (I originally backed Cruz), and I know a lot of you will not accept him. But we have to be honest…the alternative is simply unacceptable. Hillary cannot be allowed anywhere near that kind of power.

This is an important vote, and a chance to actually Make America Great Again.

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Sarah K at … well, a gentlemen never says

BirthdayCakeIt’s Sarah K’s birthday! I know, it seems like she just had one last July 19th. But now she’s having another one.

Anyway, we need to help Frank J out. Between all his time playing Pokémon Go and coming up with excuses to not blog, he hasn’t had a lot of time left to pick out a birthday present for Sarah K. And this is where we come in.

What should Frank J get Sarah K for her birthday? It’s a special birthday (a gentleman never tells) so it needs to be a special gift.

Offer your birthday wishes along with gift suggestions for Sarah K.

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Obama Warned Us – Boosting Paychecks

Congrats to Chicago and all those who fought to #RaiseTheWage. Boosting paychecks for hard-working Americans is the right thing to do.
@BarackObama

“Because they’re gonna NEED that money to pay their skyrocketing Obamacare premiums. Which are saving them money!”

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Just Don’t Say the Order Is for Sarah Connor

Now opening in San Francisco – a burger joint where all the food is made by robots.

Don’t worry though, at no extra charge, you can still have a surly teenager take your order and forget to punch in “no pickles”.

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Independence Day at the White House

The White House Press Secretary has announced Obama’s big plans for his final Independence Day in office.  He has a busy day ahead of him to fill this itenerary:

  • Rewrite the Declaration of Independence after his own image by executive order
  • Enjoy a climate-friendly, non-GMO, vegan soy dog barely warmed on his solar-powered grill
  • Sneak into the idling Air Force One and enjoy a rack of climate-hating, smoked Rottweiler ribs
  • See how many lit firecrackers Joe can fit in his mouth and other orifices at once (It’s ok because Obamacare)
  • Host a DC public school competition to see which grade school student can name the capitals of all 57 states the fastest
  • Formally announce that his administration is declaring its independence from the Constitution
  • Celebrate the end of Ramadan
  • Judge the official White House cooking contest: How to Serve Lame Duck
  • Dress up like Beyonce for the White House transgender pageant
  • Perform the ribbon cutting for Planned Parenthood’s new in-clinic eatery, The Parts is Parts Café
  • Convince a drunken Loretta Lynch to combine the No Fly List with his Enemy List and the List of Registered Republicans
  • Recklessly taunt the aliens confined in Area 51
  • Defeat ISIS by videotaping his and Loretta Lynch’s karaoke medley of I Got You Babe, Summer Lovin’, and Endless Love and text it to Al-Baghdadi
  • Rack up a $25 million cost for his gala, payable by the US taxpayer
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