Joe: The first order of business is to find a safe source of water.
Matt: With all of the drinking fountains and the sink in the lunchroom, you would think this would be an easy task. But you couldn’t be more wrong. You can’t trust any of them.
Joe: Don’t forget, you are deep in Democrat country here. For all you know, that water is coming straight from the Flint River.
Matt: Or even worse, the Animus River. You can’t trust any of it.
Joe: That’s exactly right. And the worst part is there is no way to easily process it. Boiling it won’t remove the lead or heavy metals or chemicals.
Matt: And even if boiling would work, you can’t start a fire around here. The fumes from all of the BS in this place are far too flammable. A single ember and the whole place could go up in a raging fireball of death.
Joe: Another thing to be very cautious about is the refrigerator in the lunchroom. Don’t trust anything in it. Especially if you see a big, refreshing picture of fruit punch, just back away slowly.
Matt: That is one of the first rules of survival in any Democratic outpost. No matter what, don’t ever drink the Kool-Aid.
Joe: And another place to definitely steer clear of is any sort of restroom. Mens, womens, family, doesn’t matter how it is labeled, just stay out, dude.
Matt: It is important to remember that words lose their meanings around the Clintons. The plaque on the door could mean anything.
Joe: I totally agree, bro. You don’t know what you will find in there, but it will probably be something scary.
Matt: And something very irritable.
Joe: If you get confused and address it with the wrong pronoun, that is where your story ends.
Matt: Totally, bro.
Joe: Shhh! Did you hear that? Quick! Hide!
Matt (whispering): Is that what I think it is?
Joe (whispering): ‘fraid so. It’s Anthony Weiner’s weiner.
Matt: Oh, geez. I wish someone would just tell him this isn’t Naked and Afraid.
Joe: I’ve had to stomach a lot of nauseating things on this show, but this is the closest I’ve ever come to losing my lunch. Not even when I drank my own pee…
Matt: We need to get out of here fast before we suffer irreparable psychological scarring and potential gender confusion and associative male shame disorder.
Joe: If we could just clear all the zombies out of the office space and lobby, we would have a straight shot at the front entrance.
Matt: I agree. That is the best approach. The last thing we want is to try for the back door when Weiner is around. If we could find a way to lure them all away. If I could just find a way to sneak past the zombies and get to the receptionist desk and use the intercom.
Joe: I’ve got a better idea. It’s a good thing we kept that Obama phone after all. I think I can work through the wifi and hack into the Clinton Headquarter server and gain access to the security system. (working at the touchscreen on the Obama phone) What? You won’t believe this. The only protection the system has is Windows 10 built in security?
Joe: Really, bro. It would save me a lot of time if I could just crack Hillary’s administrator password.
Matt: Try Hillary2016.
Joe: No. That didn’t work. Monica_Sux? Nope.
Joe: Nope. And a no for Lawsareforthelittlepeople.
Matt: How about $$$Uranium1$$$.
Joe: Nope. But I got it. I’m in.
Matt: What was it?
Matt: Really? 2008? She hasn’t changed her password since 2008?
Joe: Can’t say for sure. Could be she just doesn’t know what year it is.
Matt: I guess it doesn’t matter. At this point, what difference does it make. Can you get into the security system?
Joe: I’m looking. Wait a minute. What’s this?
Matt: That looks like a price list for Clinton Foundation favors. Who knew you could corner the US uranium market for only $50 million?
Joe: And for only $1,000,000, Hillary will erase your wife’s or daughter’s or mother’s or grandmother’s number from Bill’s contact list, but she’ll clear you of child rape pro bono, just for fun.
Matt: And it only cost $50,000 to get Chelsea canned from her fake job at NBC.
Joe: Well, that would have happened on its own.
Matt: Totally, bro. The anti-charisma on that Chelsea woman, dude. She’s got to be the leading cause of narcolepsy in males aged 14-45.
Joe: I’ll just save that file for later. But, it looks like I’m in control of the security system now. All their intercoms and alarms now belong to us. Here we go: turning on the alarm. (alarm claxons blare). (speaking in the Obama phone linked to the intercom system) Attention! Attention! This is not a drill. Someone wrote Trump 2016 on the sidewalk in chalk. Please report to your safe spaces and do not come out until we give the all clear. I repeat, please report to your safe spaces. This is not a drill.”
(All the zombies scurry away from the office area and the lobby)
Matt: Now just give them a few minutes to clear out of the way.
Joe: That should do it. And now we can walk out the front door.
Matt: This just goes to show that even if you get trapped in such a hostile place as the Hillary Clinton Election Headquarters, if you keep your head you can still make it out alive. Hey, what are you doing?
Joe: Just writing Trump 2016 on the sidewalk with this Sharpie. Then I’m going to go sit on that park bench and see how many heads explode.