I heard about how a bunch of liberals have this movie about Reagan’s presidency coming out where they make stuff up, so, I was thinking, why don’t I write the script for a fair and balanced movie about Bill Clinton’s presidency where I just do a little extrapolation about things I don’t know about for sure. Here are some excerpts of what I have so far:
BILL CLINTON: Master Satan! I need your help to become president and thus allow Hillary and I to fulfill our naked ambition for power.
SATAN: Yes, your presidency could spread great evil. Maybe I can convince an insane billionaire to enter the race and ensure your victory. I will just take your soul in exchange.
BILL: Okey-dokey.
BILL (v.o.): I hope he doesn’t remember I already sold my soul to him two years ago for a Big Mac and fries.
. . .
HILLARY CLINTON: Now that the presidency is mine, we must begin our spread of evil!
AL GORE: I am Al Gore.
BILL: I just can’t find an Attorney General. The first two have dropped out and I’m out of any good women to fill that position with. Hmm. Hey, Earl Reno, do you want to be Attorney General?
EARL: Sure.
BILL: Then put on this blue dress and change your first name to Janet.
. . .
VINCE FOSTER: Why don’t you go f**k yourself, Hillary.
BILL: Hillary, you really gonna let him get away with that? You gonna let this f**kin’ punk get away with that? What’s the matter with you? What’s the world coming to?
Hillary proceeds to pull out a gun and shoot Vince.
HILLARY: That’s what the f**k the world’s coming to. How you like that?
BILL: What is the matter with you, huh? What is the f**king matter with you? What are you, a f**king sick maniac or something? Hillary, I’m kidding with you.
HILLARY: Kidding? How am I meant to know you’re kidding? You’re breaking my f**king balls.
BILL: I’m f**king kidding with you, you f**king shoot the guy?
AL GORE: He’s dead.
BILL: You dumb bastard, I can’t f**king believe you. You’re gonna dig the hole.
HILLARY: Fine, I’ll dig the f**king hole. I don’t give a f**k. What is it, the first hole I dug? First time I dug a hole, I’ll dig a f**kin’ hole. Now, where are the shovels?
. . .
HILLARY: If I can get my health care plan passed, it will destroy our hospitals and millions will die. Muh ha ha ha!
BILL: It’s too bad those do-gooder Republicans are trying to stop us and protect the interests of America.
HILLARY: No one can stop us! Now go have fun with your interns while I work on my lesbian conspiracies.
. . .
BILL: I can’t believe the Republicans have taken control of the Congress and Senate! Now we’ll never be able to destroy the economy now that those do-gooders have power.
HILLARY: If we work at it, we can eventually cause an economic downturn… just in time for a Republican to be president. Muh ha ha ha!
. . .
BILL: How long do you think this middle east peace will last?
JAMES CARVILLE: Just long enough for you to get a photo-op of Arafat and Rabin shaking hands before you run the hell out of there.
BILL: Good enough.
. . .
OSAMA BIN LADEN: I will kill all you imperialist Americans!
BILL: How about you hold off on any major attacks until after my presidency and I give you this big box of porn.
Osama thinks it over.
OSAMA: Deal!
BILL CLINTON (v.o.): Will the American people realize what a sacrifice that was for me? Maybe it wasn’t my biggest box of porn, but it was one of my favorites.
I only have gotten his first four years done so far. I just hope I’ve accurately portrayed the subtle nuances of Bill and Hillary Clinton.
TO: All
RE: Is….
…there a publisher in the house?
How about an independent film maker?
Chuck(le)
LMFAO ::goes to find paper towels to clean up the m&ms mess on her monitor::
you know, i wouldn’t be surprised if things had actually happened this way. it’s certainly more realistic than the reagan movie.
Ummm, when you say Hillary proceeds to blow the hell out of Vince… do you mean like Monica does or like Dirty Harry does?
Clarified.
That part was actually a big cut and paste…
agh! close the italics tag!!
Hillary was a lesbian? Wouldn’t that imply that she was a woman?
TO: LibertyBob
RE: A Woman?
With those ankles?
Chuck(le)
HILLARY: Fine, I’ll dig the fking hole. I don’t give a fk. What is it, the first hole I dug? First time I dug a hole, I’ll dig a f**kin’ hole. Now, where are the shovels?
I’d never really thought of Joe Pesci and Hillary Clinton as having similar problem solving skills. As always Frank, you shine the light of truth on that which is hidden.
Why did you have to remind me of the Clinton years? WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!? You should be shot for that one buddy. I successfully convinced myself it was all a bad dream and then some I.T. guy, or what ever the hell you are, has to remind me. Boo Hoo.
I’m sorry, you did it for a good cause I suppose. It’s just that I can remember the day Bush Sr. lost and that SHIT PIG became the leader of, what was then, the free world. I was in eighth grade and at the beginning of a long hard struggle with drugs. But I still knew that that piece of miscarriage was not fit to be my president.
Four years later, I was in the process of recovering from my own personal dance with Satan(my drug addiction)when Clinton won again. I was young and very new to actualy thinking about important things. But one thing was sure; alot of little babys were going to die. Hey, that’s what demoncraps do.
Frank, I forgive you for offending me. Go in peace.
I fear the second four years may be even worse.
I’ve heard rumors that the Clinton family dog, Buddy, may have been Chomps’ ne’er-do-well father.
Thursday Linkage
Frank J. has some history on Clinton and it’s based on a true story.
Clinton sells his soul to Satan and his most famous sexual act is a blow job from some fat chick named Monica, is still married to Hillary, had to hang around Al Gore, managed to lose both houses of the legislature to the Republicans, has seen about every Democrat politician that he has backed recently go into the tank or under the bus. Are you sure the Devil wasn’t Rush Limbaugh in disguise?
I presume that (v.o.) means voice-over. Wouldn’t (s.v) work better(sotto voce)?
LMAO one for the books frank
LMAO. But wait!! This should not be so funny. It really happened didn’t it!!??!!? Unlike the Reagan movie this is filled with factual events.
Classic. Way to go!!
The Goodfellas parody was absolutely classic
Hillary is a lesbian? That can’t be!
I know she isn’t a lesbian because there just aren’t ANY lesbians that graduated from Wellesley College.
What?
WAL,
Actually, all I did was copy the scene word for word and change the names 🙂
Master Satan! I need your help to become president and thus allow Hillary and I to fulfill our naked ambition for power.
Frank…if you ever use the word “naked” and/or Bill/Hillary in the same sentence again, I will fling poo on your favorite shirt and gouge out my eyes!
OMG! The Earl (Janet) Reno bit had me rolling. I could just see it.
Excellent. And funny too.
Does Earl bear any resemblance to Will Ferrell?
You know, Frnak, it is too bad that you changed “Hillary proceeds to blow the hell out of Vince…” to “Hillary proceeds to pull out a gun and shoot Vince”. I bet that the original way would have made for a more interesting discussion. I should not have said anything.
You just blew away my presupposition that Hillary was, herself, the devil. This devil guy must be even worse than we imagined.
I think of it this way because it pleases me: Hillary is not the devil…. but she is a puppet of the devil. Because, if this is true… then she not only gets used by the people around her… but also by the devil himself. A metaphorical “whoring” of her soul to the devil… how appropriate. This also explains why she HAS to put up with Bill’s whoring (because she is guilty of it too… only on a spiritual level.) I think that this explanation best fits what actually transpires and can most accurately predict what will happen with/around/because of Hillary.
Just a thought.
Ohhhh, so if Bill and Hillary go to hell their punsihment is they are still married to each other. Possibly handcuffed together.
OMG PERMALINKS
This is going to be horribly delicious. For the good of the Big Stick, and the good of the Alliance, I’m going to permalink my adze off. Ready? 1… 2… 3… GO!! I’m shufflin’ through the Texas sand, but my…
Toad, this little skit gave me flashbacks because it’s so true-to-life. For someone who sold his soul to the devil, Slick Willie got a shabby deal because he was applying the same negotiating skills that pacified North Korea and struck a deal with that perennial candidate for the headsman’s axe, Yassir Arafat./irony
Excellent post, Frnak.
I just reread my post and it sounds insulting. I should have wrote “made for a EVEN more interesting discussion”. Sorry if I made it sound like you all were boring.
Don’t forget the final scene where 200 angry bimbos and jilted interns are storming up the main stairs at the White House. Bubba steps out onto the balcony with his pants around his ankles, screaming “SAY HELLO TO MY LEETLE FRIEND!”
The camera pans to a shadowy figure creeping up behind him…it’s KEN STARR!
The Clinton Presidency… in about 300 words
I don’t usually link Frank’s posts because I assume y’all read them anyway (y’all referring to online people, and not my real-life friends) but this script for a Clinton Presidency movie definitely was calling my name in a small but…
Will CBS Broadcast This Movie?
IMAO has a script for Les Moonves. Hopefully, we can get Tim Robbins to play Bill Clinton, Pamela Anderson to play Hillary, and Edward Herrmann to play Janet Reno.