“This war earns millions of dollars for big companies,” the radio said as John Kerry was chauffeured to another event, “whether those who manufacture weapons or those involved in reconstruction such as Halliburton and its sisters and daughters.”
“This man has the talking points down, Jeeves,” Kerry remarked to his butler who was driving, “He might make a good running mate. Who is he?”
“Osama bin Laden, sir.”
“Ethic, eh,” Kerry remarked, “Even better. Make the call to him and see what he thinks about being my running mate?”
“But, sir, I don’t think that’s wise…”
“Are you questioning me!” Kerry screamed, “Do you know who I am? I served in Vietnam! My wife is rich! You don’t questions me! Now get Osama bin Laden!”
The butler groaned. “Yes, sir.”
“I hate America! Kill all Americans!” Osama bin Laden shouted.
“One of those anti-war pacifists, I see,” Kerry remarked and then handed Osama a script. “Here’s what I want you to say for your ad.”
The cameras were turned on and Osama started talking. “I am Osama bin Laden, and I hate Bush! He is ruining America, and his tax cuts have further wrecked the economy!” Osama then paused. “Actually, that’s stretching the truth a bit.”
“Just read the script!” Kerry yelled, “I’m John Kerry!”
“Hi, I’m Rudy Giuliani, and I support President Bush. He was there for us in New York, and he’ll be there for us in the future. Now excuse me, as I saw a panhandler out front and I’m now going to go beat the crap out of him.” Rudy then picked up a pipe and walked off camera.
Bush quickly ran in front of camera holding both his thumbs up. “I’m President Bush, and I approved this message.
“Cut!” Cheney called out.
“Next time you be president and I be the director,” Bush said.
“No,” Cheney answered, settling in his director’s chair, “and you’re an idiot.”
Clancy, Bush’s intelligence guy, then came into the room. “Hey! It’s Clancy, my intelligence guy!” Bush exclaimed.
“I can neither confirm nor deny that,” Clancy answered, “But what I can tell you is that we’ve found Osama bin Laden.”
“Hot damn!” Bush yelled, “How’d you find him?”
“We put agents in all the hotspots, intercepted every transmission in the Middle East, and read every newspaper there even though they’re in funny languages. Then we had our top analysts check ever bit of datum. Finally, I went to watch an episode of Will & Grace and saw this.” Clancy turned on a T.V.
“Kill joooos! Kill Americans!”
“I’m John Kerry, and I approved this message. Right, Jeeves.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Jiminy Jilickers!” Bush exclaimed, “Osama bin Laden is Kerry’s running mate!”
“I can neither confirm not deny that,” Clancy said, “Actually, I can’t deny that, because it’s true!”
“We need to have our snipers take him out at the next Kerry event!” Cheney stated.
“Whoa, hold your horses there, Dick,” Bush said, “That will be labeled as just partisan sniping. Now that he’s a Democrat, we have to kill him in secret. And he’s given us a venue to kill him so secret, it’s better than smashing him over the head with a trashcan in a dark alleyway – The Vice-Presidential debate!”
“But millions of people watch that,” Cheney said defensively, “They like to hear us inconsequential entities debate the issues.”
“Get your head out of your undisclosed location!” Bush yelled, “No one watches the Vice-Presidential debate. It’s the perfect place to kill him secretly. I’ll call Vinnie.”
“Who’s Vinnie?”
“Stop asking questions and get ready for a kill’n!”
“…and thus the Rumsfeld Strangler and the Chomps Mangler still remain at large,” the anchorwoman stated. “In other news, the Vice-Presidential debate between Dick Cheney and Osama bin Laden is tonight, and it promises to be boring and tedious. So tune in for a rerun of America’s Funniest Home Videos.”
“So the location of the debate is goings to be secret until the last minute,” Vinnie said as he chomped on a cigar, “But I gots my people on it.”
“What people?” Cheney asked.
“Who is this gavone?” Vinnie asked Bush, “I lets him into my own garage, and he asks me nothings but questions.”
“Dick, just listen, you gavone,” Bush commanded.
“Anyways, when my peoples finds the place the debate is goings to be in,” Vinnie continued, “they’ll plants a gun under your podium. Then, you pulls it out, shoots him twice, and then casually drops the gun as yous walks out the door. We gots a nice place in Sicily for yous to stay until the heat dies down.”
“I don’t think I like this idea,” Cheney said, “What do you think, Bush?”
“I think I folded the Mad Magazine fold in wrong or the joke is in Swedish,” Bush said as he played with a magazine.
Cheney swatted the magazine out of Bush’s hand. “That my latest issue of National Review!”
“Osama, you get the first opening statement.”
“America must die!”
“Thank you for your brevity,” the moderator said, “Cheney, now your opening statement.”
“That’s just the same old Democrat rhetoric,” Cheney said while sweating profusely as he groped under his podium. “Now, I didn’t want to bring up my opponent’s ties to terrorism…”
“Are you questioning my patriotism?” Osama shouted angrily.
Cheney crouched a little to search further under the podium. “The only one bringing up the issue of patriotism is you.”
“At least I’m not a stooge of Halliburton!”
“I am my own man,” Cheney said as he shook his podium.
“Then why is there an executive from Halliburton behind you waiting to poke you with a stick if you say anything against them?” Osama asked.
“You mean Bill? Well, I admit that sometimes Halliburton can be overbearing… OW! I mean, they’re the perfect company, and I won’t have people slandering them.”
“All you Republicans are in the pocket of big business!” Osama shouted, “and… and… Are you hiding behind your podium?”
Cheney was on all fours looking on the ground. “No.”
“Well I think you are hiding from the American people because you know that you can’t support your positions on the issues… which were dictated to you by the joooos!”
There was ululation in support of that statement. Cheney peeked out from behind his podium to see the audience was filled with terrorists. “How can this get any worst?” he groaned.
“Now I want to talk about healthcare,” Osama continued, “Which will be important when I kill Americans. So… what’s this?” Osama pulled an object wrapped in a cloth from under his podium. “Is this a gun?”
Great one!
[Ed. Note: Multiple annoying posts condensed into one]
I wrote Frank again. Cardboard tastes funny.
If anyone ever doubted if those three, four, whatever… were the same person, we now have definate proof. In the course of two minutes, four individual, thinking minds came up with the exact same thing to say and posted it in rapidfire succession.
As we in the twitch-gaming community say, “Admin, ban the freaking smurf. I’d like all my 0wn4g3s under one name, not a phone book.”
As for the beautiful piece of work you’ve done, Frank, I must commend you on your originality. Be it John Kerry verbally pimpslapping Osama Bin Bastard, or… wait. I’ll say that again. John Kerry. Verbally PimpSlapped. Bin Effing Llamas.
We can leave it at that.
get a life tony
I’m the Evil Midnight Poster, and I approve of this In My World episode.
I also fully support the beating of Tony so-worthless-I-can’t-even-be-bothered-to-remember-his-last-name. I also fully support of extracting each one of his personalities from his damaged, evil socialist psyche, and beating them.
It’s fun being a member of the most powerful nation on the planet (that would be the United States Tony)….while we tell the hippies and the pinko-commie-tree-huggers that we keep people like Tony and his ilk (I hate ilk!!!) alive because they are allowed to have their opinion, the truth is, we don’t launch “Evil-Leftist-Seeking-Cruise-Missiles” (or ELSCM’s) at them because they are nice to have around for our amusement.
Be warned though Tony, once we tire of you and your ilk, you will be lured to an undisclosed location in the United States that nobody really cares about (like Southern California), and we’ll just nuke it.
–“ululation”… too damn funny!!
–By the way, Frank, I went to the zoo yesterday and I think I’m starting to agree with you on the whole monkey thing… there was definitely something not right about them…
OMG…the days of pop-spitting hilarity are back. hahaha…”Actually, that’s stretching the truth a bit.” That whole quote needs to be one of the classics in the random quotes, now! I think I woke my roommate with my crazed snickering!
Ohhh, and look who has returned! With an ‘explanation’ of a video even! This should be good, the no doubt deep, informative, and thought provoking review will probably say: “Hey, this video is the best ever, so you shut up about them!!” Anyone care to take bets?
Wait for it…
WANKER! (BTW Frank, thanks for providing us all with such a simple yet elegant insult the limey is capable of understanding.)
–Tony/limey/jonnyextremejackoff: Hating you makes me all warm inside.
I think my favorite part was the partisan sniping. But it was all good.
Cheney needs to find an undisclosed location again, fast…
How bout this debate: Chomps v the Limey
Nice… and I didn’t have to even decode it.
Or maybe there’s a hidden IMW in there and this was a fake IMW designed to throw off the weak minded.
It’s all so confusing sometimes.
Am I the only person that wonders, if the Slimy Limey hates this place and the people who create and frequent it so much, why does he keep coming back? Wouldn’t a human being (I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt here in assuming that his genetic structure is similar enough to the rest of ours that he can be considered human) just throw up his arms in disgust, maybe write one short email informing the person that they’re a moron, and then never go back? Just a thought.
The line “Get your head out of your undisclosed location” will last forever in the American lexicon.
Good story Frank! Way to cliffhang it!
Now we can blame Kerry and the Democrats of pulling a gun on our helpless Vice President, and maybe the USSS and Buck the Marine can kick ass at the debate.
INDC Blog Round-Up
Kate shocks me with her knowledge of “Toothing” and “The Zipless F***.” A geek dream realized: find out “How Jedi” you are, via Frizzen Sparks. The Oriental Redneck has a nice kerry Sloganator round-up. Commenter “Model4” lays it down in…
“I am Osama bin Laden, and I hate Bush! He is ruining America, and his tax cuts have further wrecked the economy!” Osama then paused. “Actually, that’s stretching the truth a bit.” Jeez Frank, how do you do it? I had to replace my keyboard again!
ROTFL That was brilliant, Frank. I think it also sums up John Kerry pretty well, too.
Frank J.: This is entirely off topic, but there is a TV show on Spike TV called “This Just In” that you have to watch. It’s a conservative cartoon and is quite possibly one of the funiest damn things I’ve ever seen. Also, please keep up the good work. – Frank T.
“I am Osama bin Laden, and I hate Bush! He is ruining America, and his tax cuts have further wrecked the economy!” Osama then paused. “Actually, that’s stretching the truth a bit.”
“Just read the script!” Kerry yelled, “I’m John Kerry!”
LMAO!! I think it’s time for condi to try to nuke finland again though… she’s long overdue.
And In Other News…
Frank J.’s sources have confirmed that John Kerry has picked his running mate……
Terrorists Vote Kerry!
Some how, I could really see OSBL would really make a good running mate for Kerry, they share so many of the same ideas.
My favorite was the last line “Is this a gun?” bwhaahhah that was pure gold Frnak!!
btw NOT FIRST HA HA HAH A cough
Frank J:
Did I ever tell you you’re my hero? You are the wind beneath my wings!
I can’t decide what’s funnier:
“Actually, that’s stretching the truth a bit.”
or
“That will be labeled as just partisan sniping.”
OMG I laughed so hard I choked! Great piece
Ahhhhh…..As satisfying as a good back scratch! Perfect, Frank, perfect.
i want to remove the limey spleen with a rusty spoon, and say, “see, you silly limey? this is what happens to socialists.” then i would shoot him.
“Next time you be president and I be the director…”
too funny
The continuing adventures of Frank J.
As usual, Frank J. over at IMAO has minted yet another gem of comic commentary. It’s insanely funny, as usual, and gives a whole new meaning to the term “partisan sniping.” Not to mention: “get your head out of an…
“That’s just the same old Democrat rhetoric,” Cheney said while sweating profusely as he groped under his podium. “Now, I didn’t want to bring up my opponent’s ties to terrorism…”
“Are you questioning my patriotism?” Osama shouted angrily.
Classic… Thanks Frank! 😉
Frank, that was one of my favorites! I especially loved the partisan sniping and the “ululation”. I missed IMAO for 3 days, & it’s so nice to come back to such a masterpiece.
My respect! Very interesting site – a good resource for everybody!