The world is a wondrous place, isn’t it?
No, it is not.
In fact, the world is extremely boring and always has been. Yeah, when the continents shifted apart, that was notable. That advent of advanced forms of life was worth some interest. Other than that, really nothing of note has happened. Early man just sat around doing boring things like making clay pots, and early journalists told stories about how everyone was sitting around doing boring things like making clay pots. It was horrible.
Then came the advent of forged documents
The first forged document dates back to 21,000 B.C., though the people showing it at the time said it was written in 21,034 B.C. It’s a cave painting of hunters taking down a woolly mammoth (an animal which never actually existed). Some at the time pointed out how the brownish-red paint used for the mammoth had not been invented back in the 30’s (21,030’s, I mean). Those people were quickly shouted down, and the legend continues to this day.
From then on, there have been tons of great stories in human history… all fraudulent. One of the best examples is the Bible. Any handwriting expert worth his salt will admit that the source material for the more exciting parts of the Bible does not match up with documents known to have been penned by the hand of the Almighty. The original Bible simply wasn’t selling very well, so the faithful decided to spice it up. Most likely, the Israelites happened to find boats when they reached the Red Sea, but the obviously forged sea parting story was considered much more exciting.
Another great example comes from paleontologists. All extinct animals they discovered were just more boring variations of living lizards and rats. So, in 1858, William Parker Foulke made a fossil out of plaster which was later named a “dinosaur.” Because this increased interest in biology many more “fossil finds” soon followed (today’s dinosaur fossils are made from a much more sophisticated plastic).
Then there’s American history. All documents about the supposed “Revolutionary War” used penning techniques that were not available until the early 19th century. What really happened was that the colonists said that they wanted to be their own country, and Britain was like, “Aight.” Later on, this simply didn’t seem like an interesting way for a country to be founded, so the whole war with the British tale was invented which got great play in the media.
I could keep going on, but the point is that any interesting story you ever heard is based on a forged document and never happened because the world is an extremely boring place. Now, with the advent of blogging, we have all these wiseasses in pajamas suddenly pointing out documents are forged and ruining everyone’s fun. If you’re wondering why Rather’s documents are such crude forgeries, it’s because it used to be taboo to point such things out.
So there is the choice we have now; we can have a rich history full of grand epics, or we can pat ourselves on the back for how smart we are for showing how the Dead Sea Scrolls were made with WordPerfect. And just one final thing for those who think it was so great to prove the documents saying Bush was AWOL are forged: There was no Vietnam War! There isn’t even a country called Vietnam! Journalist decided a war would work great for the news cycle, and then some wise ass thought it would be a neat twist if we loss in the end. All the people who thought they were in “Vietnam” were actually in the jungles of Brazil. John Kerry got all three purple hears hurting himself in a pool in a sound stage in Hollywood. I have a co-worker who claimed to have escaped Vietnam with his family when the war ended, but, after badgering him, I got him to admit he was actually Korean and was paid by NBC to say that story to keep the “Vietnam War” story alive.
Now that you know the truth, do you feel happy? No you don’t. So stop questioning any more documents the media presents you unless you want the news to be filled with stories about people making clay pots.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as “Cool Pictures of Stuff on Fire” and “A Big Thick Book to Hide a Gun In” (with a foreword by Charlton Heston).
First!
Tee-hee.
You’re a bad man Frank J., but a funny one.
In many ways your worse than crap on a stick cause at least I could throw that away.
With your humor it is like a train wreck that one can’t pull his eyes from. It is a magnificent disaster worthy of an electrical engineer.
Second! and two is bigger than one. heh. As far as evolution, I can DIS-prove ANY theory that tries to date the Earth according to evolutionary standards. Try me. My email addy is AkRonin@Gmail.com. Come one come all. From the theories of how fast ice grows to the accumulation of dust on the moon. From the strata (layers of rock) of the Earth to the red-shift of the universe. …..Bring it./… suckas Second! and two is bigger than one. heh. As far as evolution, I can DIS-prove ANY theory that tries to date the Earth according to evolutionary standards. Try me. My email addy is AkRonin@Gmail.com. Come one come all. From the theories of how fast ice grows to the accumulation of dust on the moon. From the strata (layers of rock) of the Earth to the red-shift of the universe. …..Bring it./… suckas <——
-hard-core christianity backed by PROOF of the scientific kind.
You want to prove evolution? Well, first, you have to date it…. I’ll shoot any date postulated by evolutionistas down in a hot second… test me
anyway, that was funny, Frank.
It would help if Rather would get with the times and adapt to the latest technology. If you’re going to keep up with forged document thing, you have to at least put in some effort.
I remember it was important for me to adapt to changing technology when I found that time machine and helped Adolph Hitler “commit suicide”. (Brazil in 1987 was fun.)
All I can say is, I am glad you are on our side, Frank. Or we are on your side. Or .. . oh, well. 🙂
This article is so fake!
1) The letters “L” and “E” were invented at 7:03 AM this morning, and did not even exist at 06:49 AM. The letter “J” has not even been invented yet.
2) And what’s up with putting a zero before the post time? AF555-24 clearly stipulates that military time does not include a suffix, and civilian time does not include the zero prefix.
3) Also, adjectives would have been prohibitively expensive for everyday usage by the blogging public. If they can only afford pajamas to blog in, how could they possibly afford a $17,000 thesaurus?
PUHLEEEEASE!
Frank,
you should inquire with the CIA. see if they wants to employ you as a subversion expert.
You could do a lot of damage in Mainland China
You give us a tough choice. What kind of clay pots are we talking about?
Moses: “Oh no! The Red Sea is up ahead! What will we….Hey! Boats!! Thousands and thousands of them! What are the chances??!! Praise The One Who’s Name We Cannot Speak (Jehovah)!”
Yeah, that’s the ticket….!
The Dead See Scrolls are clearly a direct ASCI file created by the only availlable first century computer: The comodore PET
Viet Nam really is a hoax! Ho Chi Minh was really Colonel Sanders in yellow-face! Oliver Stone invented Viet Nam so that he’d have something to write movies about, just like how he made up that whole thing about Kennedy being shot. There was no such man as “John F. Kennedy”!!
It’s all true! Horribly, horribly true!
I picked up a copy of Cool Pictures of Stuff on Fire and every single picture is fraudulent. But I liked the picture of Elmo anyway.
Man,
I don’t know whether to bow or just give a round of applause after you write something this funny Frank…
But then again, I read this website for the comments that come after too, cause they are Damn funny!
And Wolf’s Dawn? is that “Saint” or “Tickle Me”….?
My goodness…Frank; this time I think you may have gone too far. Revisionist history? Leave that to the left. Towards the end, after I realized you weren’t serious, it became somewhat funny, but…whoa…
We have always been at war with Eastasia.
Don’t be ridiculous; houses have always been fireproof.
Big Brother would be soo proud of you, Frank. If you hadn’t revealed the whole conspiration. Now this editorial will have to be rewritten and it’s all your fault.
“What really happened was that the colonists said that they wanted to be their own country, and Britain was like, “Aight.” ”
ROTFLMAO
Dude that was funny! Early evidence of Ebonics.
Keep up the good work, I need the stress relief.
SSG Ken
U.S. Army
I am with Beo.
You crassed the line foo.
The rest was funny though.
REPENT!!!
Love ya blogbuddy
LokiDoki, I forgot about that waste of space St. Elmo’s Fire. I wonder how that could happen? Anyway, it presents a problem. If I had but one match, would I torch Elmo the Annoying, or St. Elmo’s the Dumb. Both are vomit-inducing. I guess I would go with the overgrown sock puppet as long as he was screaming, “Hope is on the way!” until he could scream no more. 🙂
LOL. You just outdid yourself yet again…
We never actually declared war on Viet Nam so there was no war. So we didn’t lose, we just ceased “policing” the area.