Another obviously forged memo? (full details of the memo here) Has the media learned nothing? This time it’s about some supposed repulbican [sic] talking points on the Terri Shivo [sic] case, and Patrick Hynes wants a name for this scandal. I suggest “Super Fakey Talking Point Scandal Number One!”
Anyway, the American media is important to a working democracy, so I’ve decided to help out by explaining to the MSM how to make more competent forgeries. I’ve been forging things since an early age including pirate treasure maps, UFO photos, Syrian passports, and Bolvian currency. I even forged my own Rathergate memo– much more competently than CBS. Thus, I’ve learned a thing or two allowing me to write this guide.
THE DOs AND DON’Ts OF FORGING MEMOS
Archive of entries posted on March 2005
RWD’s News Round-Up, Thursday
Hello, I’m RightWingDuck,
I’m here to share the news.
Good stuff going on.
A Catholic school in South Australia has suspended one of several teachers who, believe it or not, attended an LSD party.
At first, Catholic officials were furious. Then they realized they misread the invitation – they thought it had said, LDS party.
They were returned to duty and were ordered to drink lots of Coca Cola.
LSD is fine. Especially when the flashback comes in the official school colors.
In Boston, a man who escaped prison twenty years ago was captured by police. The man was a poet of the month, and spent a lot of time in front of microphones reciting his poetry.
Police suspected something was wrong when he won a prize for his last poem, “I can’t believe it’s been twenty years since I escaped prison.”
Beatniks thought it was a metaphor for marriage!
Fischer-Spassky Highlights
Pretentious chess nerd Bobby Fischer was freed Wednesday from the Japanese detention center where he’s been held for the last 9 months for having an invalid US passport.
Fischer originally gained fame in 1972 by defeating Russian chess champion Boris Spassky in a stunning upset, giving America a symbolic Cold War victory and high school chess club geeks a brief respite from their daily beatings.
20 years and 15,000 Thunderbird & Sterno martinis later, a very broke Fischer challenged Spassky to a rematch in Sarajevo, Yugoslavia in violation of international sanctions. Being down to his last bottle of cheap vodka, Spassky accepted, and the rest is history.
By which I mean it was quickly forgotten by all except the geeks who longed for those halcyon days of not being punched in the stomach every time they quoted Monty Python.
How I miss those days…
But to keep myself from pining away like a Norwegian Blue parrot, I thought I’d share (in the extended entry) some of my fondest memories that 1992 match:
The Humane Thing to Do Is Let Africa Starve
An Editorial by Frank J.
Africa has been a troubled region for some time. Unstable politics, genocide, aids outbreaks, mass starvation – we do what we can to help, we send money to Sally Struthers, but do we really think Africa is going to get better and be a fully functional continent again? Sure, we can keep things patched together, but each day Africa exists is just another day of suffering. It’s time we face up to reality and give Africa the peace it needs in a natural end.
It’s time we starve everyone in Africa to death.
“Yes, before someone brings it up, America does have a 10 trillion dollar life insurance policy on Africa.”
The U.N. will certainly be on board with this as dealing with Africa has been too much for them as well. We’ll have to watch all entry points where people may misguidedly try to bring food to the Africans; as leaders of the world, this is our choice to make and others shouldn’t subvert it. Plus, this is what Africa wants as I think I remember some ancient tribal leaders saying they wanted their people starved to death if the continent ended up like it is today.
And yes, before someone brings it up, America does have a 10 trillion dollar life insurance policy on Africa that can be cashed if everyone there dies, but this isn’t about America – this is about Africa and what’s best for it. And you’d have to be a pretty heartless person to not see how death by starvation is what the people of Africa would really want. Yes, I can’t know that I can’t know for sure since they speak languages I don’t understand, but can’t you see they’re tired of barely making it by on foreign aid and showing their children in television ads? They want a natural end.
It’s a hard choice to make, but it is ours. Some may complain about us choosing wrong, but the important thing is we know we’re right while we let millions die.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as “I Was Following My Hamster’s Wishes When I Put Him in the Microwave” and “Violent Offenders Deserve a Natural Death”.
RWD’s News Round-Up, Wednesday
Hello,
I’m RightWingDuck and I’m here to share the news.
Man, there is just so much happening out there.
Sad news. A young man in Minnesota killed his family, then drove to his school and started shooting people at random.
I get upset over this for two reasons (besides the victims). One — it’s always some kid who was a loner and had troubles. And two, the gun lobby works itself into a frenzy.
Why does this always seem to happen in some tiny town — why not here in Los Angeles?
Here in LA, at least the kids are packin’. That whack job would have gotten some serious return fire.
“I am the angel of Death. I am here to kill all of yo..(bam, bam bam) aaaieee. Stop, no, stop.Aah. I was just kid…”
Maybe if we get rid of guns, students can find a more humane way to knock each other off — like starvation!!
Terri Schiavo is running out of time. I’ll be writing more about this later on so I’ll just say this.. wouldn’t it be funny if somebody tried to kill Michael Schiavo — but they missed his vital organs, but he was mostly brain dead — and his family said, “Well, we know he wouldn’t want to live this way.” So they pulled the plug.
Sometimes, I just hate that life isn’t like a Hollywood movie.
In real life, Terri dies, Michael sues everyone, and the Left blames President Bush.
You need cheering up? Just open a paper and read what’s happening at Harvard. It’s all good.
What’s Irking North Korea?
(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
What the heck is North Korea’s problem? They don’t have nukes, then they DO have nukes. They want to talk, then they DON’T want to talk. They’re all whiny & high maintenance. It’s like dating a supermodel, except without the good looks and fake boobs.
Why are they so irritable? Nobody knows. But I’ll make some stuff up & put it in the extended entry:
Links of the Day
Carnival of the Recipes #31 is up over at Flying Spacemonkey Chronicles, but i’m not sure if that blogger is any good. 😉
and Alex in Wonderland has been playing in the Uncyclopedia. and there’s French-bashing!
nighty night, ronin!
Hollywood Used To Choose Life…
…about 50 years ago.
It was 50 years ago that Hollywood produced optimistic, thoughtful, and dare I say pro-life shows. In the past week of non-stop Terri Schiavo news I have been reminded of one of my favorites from the Golden Age of Television: “Breakdown” starring Joseph Cotten.
Alfred Hitchcock produced and directed the story of a car-accident victim whose body is paralyzed but is completely cognizant of his post-crash situation: the road workers, the police, and the doctors at the scene and in the morgue say he’s dead. The paralyzed man desperately tries to communicate the fact that he’s still alive but in a diminished capacity to all involved, but nothing changes their minds…
…until the paralyzed man sheds a tear in his sadness of being written off by everyone around him. A low-level worker at the morgue notices and the paralyzed man’s life is miraculously saved at the last minute. That was compassionate and caring Hollywood in 1955.
In 2005, compassionate and caring Hollywood would end the episode with the mortician saying: “You didn’t see a tear and you have no legal standing as a low-level employee of this organization to prescribe a course of treatment outside this dead man’s insurance. Now, let’s allow him to die with dignity. Besides, Halliburton is paying us top dollar for his internal organs!”
Oh, and the TV drama would end with 3 minutes of Union-mandated credits…
UPDATE: In 1985, Hollywood remade the “Breakdown” TV drama for a (pardon the pun) revival of 1955’s Alfred Hitchcock Presents. In a nod to what my pals at The Michael Medved Show are calling Hollywood’s increasing promotion of the culture of death, the 1985 remake has the paralyzed accident victim eviscerated alive by the mortician whose business just happens to have been ruined by the actions of the paralyzed man.
Top Ten Uses for a Cat
Ain’t a cat person, but I gots me a kitten. Thus, I’ve tried to find some use for it.
TOP TEN USES FOR A CAT
10. Paper shredder.
9. Foot warmer.
8. Football.
7. Hand towel.
6. Boxing partner.
5. General destruction of property.
4. Rubber band slingshot target.
3. Test subject for experimental rocket skateboard (need duct tape).
2. Topic for top ten lists.
And the number one use for a cat…
Blue-Eyed Fidelity
I really need to update my blogroll, including updating the links to Rachel Lucas’s new blog. Anyway, I haven’t linked to her in a long while, so why don’t you read her rant about Terri Schiavo (WARNING: Contains vulgarity and strident opinions).
A Post About Nothing
Man, I’m getting burned out. It’s like the same political news stories over and over. I’m tired about talking about Social Security.
You know they got my name wrong? My last name is commonly misspelled, but they actually got it completely wrong so as it would be pronounced differently. How am I supposed to trust them with my retirement when they can’t even get my name right? Still, I wonder if the fact that I file taxes under a false name (given to me by the government) might protect me from some future liability.
What was I saying? Oh yeah, I’m burnt out on the politics until something new happens, so I might as well talk about myself. Right now, I’m wearing a leather jacket. It’s like 80 degrees outside, but it’s always cold where I work. At least I have some protection now in case a knife fight breaks out. Leather armor never seems to help a cow, though.
I got some bongos. They came with the game Donkey Konga, where you play them in beat with the game. Haven’t tried it yet as I’m waiting to get a second pair of bongos so I can play the game with SarahK. The couple that plays videogames together, stays together.
Also, my kitten is now skittish… probably from me punching her in the face trying to teach her to box. Hey, it’s a harsh world out there, kitty; get used to it. Then again, you’re a house cat. Anyhoo, she better toughen up for whenever I finally get a dog if she doesn’t want to be a squeaky toy.
Sometimes my kitten freaks me out when she stares at me. Dogs don’t stare at you; they consider it disrespectful. Sydney will stare at me, though, with that expressionless face of hers. Have no ideas what she’s planning. It’s a great poker face. Maybe I should teach her poker instead of boxing…
I guess that’s all I have to say right now. So, are there any good news stories that haven’t been done to death yet?
Frequently Asked Questions About Harvey
After a month of tossing up posts, maybe it’s time I introduced myself (in the extended entry):
Continue reading ‘Frequently Asked Questions About Harvey’ »
Top Ten List Of Really Hard To Write Top 10 Lists
Sometimes top ten lists practically write themselves. Others are a lot harder. Some, well, forget it. With that in mind, I give you the..
Top Ten List Of Really Hard To Write Top 10 Lists.
10. Top 10 List Of Food Items Michael Moore Has Not Eaten At Least 12 Of At A Single Sitting…Today
9. Top 10 List Of Elements Of Any Christian Holiday That The ACLU Has Not Sued Someone About
8. Top 10 List Of Elements Of Any Non-Christian Holiday That The ACLU Has Sued ANYONE About
7. Top 10 Longest Times Ted Kennedy Has Been Sober (There’s only one)
6. The Top 10 Comic Strips Drawn by Ted Rall That Were Either Artistic OR Funny (Not Just To His Mom)
5. Top 10 List Of People Who’ve Ever Paid Back Every Cent They Borrowed From You
4. Top 10 List Of Bathroom Floors You’d Ever Apply The “Three Second Rule” To
3. Top 10 List Of Sharp, Knife-Like Items That Are Fun To Gouge Really, Really Deeply Into Your Eye (Either One)
2. Top 10 List Of Admirable Things About Oliver Willis, KOS , and Atrios (combined)
and the Number One Really Hard To Write Top 10 List…
1. Top 10 List Of People Who’d Rather Read A Top 10 List About Top 10 Lists Than Eat Freshly Baked Pie. Mmmmmm Pie.
Fun Trivia
Most Addictive Game in the Universe
Can’t stop playing this game!
The rules are kinda hard to understand since they are in broken English, but basically you click on a little green guy to make his backpack fly up into the air. If it lands on the head of another green guy, he falls down and then runs in the opposite direction he was going. To get mucho points, you want to get groups of green guys running back and forth, timing it just right so you keep bopping them on the heads.
I once got over 40,000 points and was in the top ten, but competition is more fierce now. If you play, add “Ronin” to the end of your name so you can be spotted in the recent scores (it’s ruled by NRO fans right now).
Must keep playing until I get the perfect storm and make the top ten!
UPDATE: Top scores have been reset!