THINGS I LEARNED ON MY DISNEY CRUISE
* No matter how annoying some kid is, there will be an angry parent if you toss him overboard.
* Though the veranda is private, you should check wind conditions before urinating off of it.
* If you buy a $7 “Cuban” cigar in Mexico, it’s most likely not actually Cuban and maybe not even an actual cigar.
* Though Mickey Mouse staring at you may creep you out, try not to snap and drop kick him. Otherwise, no mint on your pillow for you.
* If any employee of Disney is caught not smiling, he or she is immediately keelhauled.
* Though Disney cruises are great for families, there were a number of honeymooning couples, older couples without children, and pedophiles.
* It’s good they had some bars that were adult only, because it’s pretty annoying to have a barstool next to a hyperactive, drunk eight-year-old.
* Donald Duck is still my favorite Disney character, but he can’t make a martini worth @#$%.
* When it’s early in the morning and I call room service for some coffee, I actually find it annoying for them to be that unnaturally cheery.
* Disney’s own island, Castaway Cay, seemed to be lacking in defenses, and I’m sure I could overthrow its puppet government if I could only sneak a few weapons onto it.
* SarahK doesn’t think honeymoons should be spent plotting violent coups.
* While the Disney movie Pirates of the Caribbean seemed to be sympathetic to pirates, any actual pirates that are encountered in the Caribbean are dealt with by the Disney staff quite violently and ruthlessly.
Early in the morning cheerfullness is sign of chronic needing-a-buttwhoopingness.
Tell SarahK that anytime is a good time to plot violent coups; including honeymoons! I’m sure I plotted the overthrow of a nice beach house to replace our small cabin in Canon Beach and violent reprisals against the Fairfield in Pagosa Springs on my honeymoon. And that’s not even counting the hostile and bloody takeover of the Wolf Creek Ski resort…but I digress. Our midwinter honeymoon was spent not in the sunny Caribbean, but in Oregon and Colorado, which made for a surprising lack of things to do when money was short (except for the obvious). Hence all the wonderful plotting. Hey, one of the foundations of a good marriage is the trust and freedom to plot wickedness without actually doing any…or at least, none your spouse knows about.
Disney…Puppet government. I get it!
Very entertaining post Frank. Some day I might tell you something you don’t already know.
ahh yes, I once plotted a coup on the island they show at the beginning of Gilligan’s Island, Carnival Cruises goes there. It would have worked too, but the wily islanders plyed me with tasty beverages and I passed out on a hammock and woke up hours later naked in the pantry of the cruise ship. Boy was that hard to explain to security!
Remember Frank commenting on the lack of a “Merry Christmas” on his pick-your-favorite-seasons greeting card on the cruise?
We went to Disneyland this week and went to the “Holiday” version of It’s a Small World. The entire thing was done up with Christmas related decorations and the kids were singing secular Christmas songs. They had “Seasons Greetings” signs. They had “Happy Holiday” signs. They had “Peace on Earth” signs. They had “Merry Christmas” written in German, Spanish and Hawaiian but not in English!
At the end of our day I ran into a survey taker at the gate and let her know I was ticked about that. She said that people had been complaining all Christmas season about the ride and said I needed to let “City Hall” know.
In spite of the wide assortment of cutlasses available from Adventure Land, I decided to be polite and talk to them instead of running them through. I was told that my complaint wasn’t really a complaint (ohhhh…) Instead it was a SUGGESTION that I need to file with their LEGAL department so they could have me release any rights to my brilliance if they decided to use the idea. I got the impression that if they do decide that “Merry Christmas” isn’t a four-letter-word, they are going to have to get a lot of releases.
In case any of you want to contact their legal department to file a compla, I mean “suggestion”, you can call them at 714-781-1220 or fax them at 714-781-1212.
Happy Holidays!
So how do we address SarahK, now? SarahJ? SarahK-J? SarahX?
C’mon. Gotta update mah address book 🙂
This is an example of classic IMAO funniness!! Exactly why I keep coming back. Good one Frank!
If you buy a $7 “Cuban” cigar in Mexico, it’s most likely not actually Cuban and maybe not even an actual cigar.
But you can annoy your new wife with it, anyway; of course, you can do that with a Phillies Blunt for a whole lot less money.
Correction: violently, ruthlessly, and with a smile!