Saddam For Kids

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
Everyone knows that if you’re facing an almost-certain death sentence, the best way to avoid it is by writing a children’s book to soften your image, just like Stanley “Tookie” Williams did.
Ok, that’s a bad example.
But still, a tome for the wee ones IS the only ticket to freedom for a vicious killer. Without one, he’s guaranteed a ride in Old Sparky. Just look at what happened to O.J.
Ok, that wasn’t a good example either.
The point is that you can soon expect to hear about what a wonderful guy Saddam is once his bibliography hits the New York Times.
What’s that? You didn’t know Saddam wrote children’s books?
Of course he did. Here’s just a small sampling of his works:


  • The Berenstain Bears Big Book of Burkhas
  • Tyranny for Tots
  • Curious George Invades Iraq
  • One Fish, Two Fish, Dead Fish, JOOOOOOO! Fish
  • Mommy Bakes Yellowcake
  • Uday and Qusay Take a Bullet
  • I Can Detonate My Own Vest!
  • Horton Hears a Wahabbi
  • Hide and Seek, Marco Polo, and Blind Man’s Bluff: The Rainy Day Book of Fun U.N. Games
  • Amelia Bedelia Beheads a Hostage
  • Hassan Potter and the Half-Blood Infidel
  • Little Camel Fluffy Toes and the Murderous Americans
  • Are You There, Allah? It’s Me, Fatima
  • Little House on the Sand Dune
  • My First Honor Killing
  • Charlie and the Chemical Weapons Factory
  • “Is That An IED?”: An Explodey the Mouse Story
  • The Tyrant, The Weasels, and the Warmonger
  • The Poky Little Puppy and Other Unclean Animals
  • Green Eggs and Hamas

If you know of any more of Saddam’s books, leave the titles in the comments.
Don’t call me with them, though. Those cowards at the NSA might be listening in.

How Dumb Is the Democratic Base?

According to Howard Dean’s calculations, they must be pretty damn dumb (of course, they’re responsible for Dean becoming the DNC chair, and that guy is about as politically smart as Lyndon LaRouche).
Anyway, I got an e-mail about signing a petition against Judge Samuel Alito, and we all know that internet petitions are about zero for a billion in causing any actual political change. Still, here it is:

Dear Frank,

That’s me!

We now know that George Bush personally ordered American intelligence services to spy on American citizens without the consent of any court and repeatedly directed officials to take actions that explicitly violated the law.

That there is a long sentence. So what laws were violated, pray tell?

Our courts are the last line of defense against abuses of power like this, and every judicial nominee must demonstrate that they will honor their most important responsibility: protecting our rights and freedoms.

Sure, but when was the last time a judge did that. You’d think their actual job is to go mad with power.

Samuel Alito will not.

Then he’s just following precedent; I thought you guys liked precedent.

During the course of his judicial career, Samuel Alito has compiled a record of looking the other way when abuses of power threaten our basic freedoms.

Makes him sound like a referee for Pro-Wrestling.

He has deferred to unscrupulous prosecutors who constructed all-white juries to try black defendants.

Well, if the whites were racist and unfair, yell at them. And what was the defense doing during jury selection? Sleeping?

He repeatedly failed to protect our right to privacy. He was even the lone judge voting to uphold the illegal strip-search of a 10-year old girl.

Well, if more joined him, it would have been a legal strip-search, wouldn’t it?

Next week Judge Alito’s confirmation hearings will begin. Already over 750,000 people have signed a petition asking Senators to oppose Alito — today I add my name.

What took you so long? You make the guy sound like the reincarnation of Hitler, but you’re spending your time foaming at the mouth on talk shows.

Please join me:
http://www.democrats.org/alito

I.P. Freely now supports your cause.

A broad coalition of groups will deliver this petition to Senators in less than 48 hours.

The problem is when you try to organize the anarchists to be a part of your coalition, they never come on time.

You and I have the chance to push the total over a million if we spread the word.

The bigger it is, the more fun to ignore.

Moderate Republicans who have expressed concern about the domestic spying program also have serious questions about Judge Alito, and an outpouring from ordinary Americans could force them to do the right thing and vote against him.

Yeah, because the NSA has so much to do with appointing a Supreme Court justice. But you might as well throw everything you can into an e-mail to see what will rile up the moonbats.

Even before the domestic spying story broke, Senators in both parties had expressed concern about Judge Alito’s credibility.

Who?

On everything from his ideological streaks to his rulings in cases where he had a clear conflict of interest, Judge Alito seems to be willing to say whatever it takes to get confirmed.

Which is a quite bit less that saying all it takes to keep him from being confirmed.

After bragging about his membership in an ultra-conservative group on his college campus to boost his right-wing credentials, he’s now waffling on exactly what his relationship with the group was.

What? Where? Details!

And he explicitly broke a promise he made under oath to the Senate that he would recuse himself from cases where he had a personal financial interest.

“And he murdered the pope on several occasions.” Is it even remotely possible you’ll back up any of these allegations?

Across the country more and more people are realizing that if Judge Alito is confirmed, the impact on our rights and our lives will be felt for generations.

Then I guess your job is done.
Actually, I don’t think about anyone is paying attention to this right now, but good for you to be politically involved, Dean.

Join the drive for a million people calling on the Senate to reject the Alito nomination:
http://www.democrats.org/alito

Ben Dover is now leading the charge!

Judge Alito’s record of currying favor with the extreme right and favoring government power over individual liberties might make him qualified as a favorite speaker at conservative think tanks, but it does not qualify him to sit on the Supreme Court.

I think his years as a judge may add to his qualifications, but that’s not really here nor there.

People who put politics over the rule of law cannot be trusted to guard our freedoms. Every American should shudder at the prospect of a judge with a history of ethical lapses and appeasing right-wing extremists getting a lifetime appointment to the highest court in the land.

Yeah, and he eats puppies and rejected your plan for a bike path; we know.

Send a message to Senators now and join the 750,000 Americans speaking out against this dangerous nomination:
http://www.democrats.org/alito

Deans A. Knutt has signed on!

The Senate must reject Samuel Alito.

But it ain’t; hope you had fun writing the e-mail, though.

Thank you.
Governor Howard Dean, M.D.

M.D.? So what’s his bedside manner like?

P.S. — For more information about Judge Alito’s deeply concerning ethical lapses and ideological rulings, see these resources:
http://www.democrats.org/alitoresources

Nah; had enough crap for one sitting.
So, this is the state of the Democratic Party; no leadership, no plan, no coherency, but they have a useless internet petition to sign. If this is really enough to satiate the base, next thing they should do for them is hand out shiny baubles.

Welcome to Houston

Welcome to Houston, where naked men punch motorcycle cops in the face:

A number of Houston police officers responded to an incident where an officer was involved in a physical altercation with a suspect Tuesday afternoon.
The officer was initially called to a strip center at Heights Boulevard and I-10 where a man was reportedly walking around without any clothes on.
The officer arrived on scene, approached the man and ordered him to get on the ground. The suspect got down, but then got back on his feet and struck the officer in the mouth.
A wrecker driver saw the confrontation and pulled over to assist. “Guy was steadily hitting a police officer in the face and the officer had blood all over him,” he said. “So I jumped out of the wrecker and pushed the guy off of the officer. He was barely conscious on his feet. That naked guy had hit him several times hard in the face.”
An off-duty officer then arrived on the scene and Tasered the suspect who, according to police, appeared to be high on drugs.

A wildman gets naked and punches a motorcycle cop in the face repeatedly, and the first thing people blame is “drugs.”
Whatever happened to blaming Bush for everything?
Here’s the line that makes me proud of my town:

“What’s amazing, there were a bunch of citizens standing around and nobody was helping the officer at all,” the wrecker driver said.

Having lived in this city for eighteen years, I’m confused as to why the wrecker driver found that amazing.
I’d think they’d be placing bets or calling dibs on who got to fight the naked guy next.