“Let’s start these hearing on the confirmation of Samuel Alito,” Sen. Arlen Specter announced, “Any points of order?”
“Can we insert intermissions in Senator Biden’s ‘questions’ ’cause I can’t always hold it that long?” Alito asked.
“And I’d like to make a statement,” President Bush said.
“Go ahead,” Specter answered.
Bush stood up and fixed his suit. “Alito is a good judge. You better all vote to confirm him.” He then shook his fist at the Democrats before sitting back down.
“Let’s move on to questioning,” Specter said.
“Good,” Senator Chuck Schumer stated, “Now Alito doesn’t have his mafia goons to hide behind.”
“They’re sanitation workers, and you better show them respect, you mook!” Alito threatened.
“It’s Senator Biden’s turn to speak,” Specter interrupted, “Everyone can use this as nap time if they want.”
“I’d like to start my question with an anecdote from my childhood that I don’t quite remember,” Biden said, “Once, when scared by a butterfly, I…”
A large gray thing hit Biden in the face and knocked him to the ground.
“We agreed that Alito was not allowed to bring any rocks to these hearings!” Schumer exclaimed.
“That was a chunk of concrete!” Alito said defensively.
“It’s the same thing!”
“Oh yeah?” Alito scoffed. “If a chunk of concrete is a rock, tell me whether it’s igneous, sedimentary, or metamorphic?”
“He’s getting geological on your ass!” Bush laughed. “No wonder people call him and his friends ‘wiseguys.'”
“Is the President allowed to make quips during this session?” Schumer questioned.
“According to the Constitution, I can make quips during any formal Senate hearing,” Bush said.
Schumer was silent for a moment. “Well, I guess there is no way to prove or disprove that.”
Specter looked to the floor. “I guess Biden will not be continuing, so it’s now Senator Brownback’s turn for questions.”
“First off, I’d like to say how great it is to have such a qualified candidate at Judge Alito,” Brownback said, “I’m sure he’ll…”
“Ahh! Somebody stop him!” Schumer screamed as Alito had him in a headlock and kept punching him in the head.
“It’s… not… your… turn… to… talk!” Alito said, punching Schumer in the head as emphasis to each syllable.
“Alito is right,” Specter stated. “If you wish to plead for mercy, Senator Schumer, you’ll have to ask Senator Brownback to cede some time to you.”
“I’m not going to do that,” Brownback responded immediately, “Anyway, Judge Alito, what are your views on the concept of the Constitution being a living document?”
“I think the Constitution is very solid on many things,” Alito answered, still holding Schumer in a headlock, “much like this table in front of me. But, when enough pressure is applied…” Alito then slammed Schumer head through the table. “…it will give. I hope that answers your question.”
“Very illustrative.”
“It’s now Senator Kennedy’s turn,” Specter said.
Alito stared at the globular mass before him. “It’s like someone put Jabba the Hut in a suit.”
“Gerwargerwaggle!” Kennedy exclaimed as he flailed his tiny limbs and ripped some flesh from the ham hock he had in hand.
“I’m sorry,” Alito answered, “I’m not sure how this is possible, but I don’t think I can hear you over your own stench of whiskey.”
“Wargherbagleergh!” Kennedy yelled, flailing his arms around some more.
Alito looked to Specter. “I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do here; I feel like I should be paying someone a nickel a gander for this guy.”
Specter frowned. “He might need his adult diapers changed, but I’m not doing it. I guess we’ll move on.” Specter looked at the list in front of him. “I guess it’s Senator Durbin’s turn.”
There was a loud crash, and everyone looked to see that an IROC had crashed through the wall and parked on top of Dick Durbin.
Schumer clutching his head, stood up. “Alito just ran over Senator Durbin!”
Alito got out of the car. “Hey, I found the car this way and ran over to move it, but I guess now I won’t since everyone is yelling at me. Know what? Fugeddaboutit; I’m outta here. These whole hearing are the biggest insult to me since I found out I was the second choice to Harriet Miers.”
Bush laughed for a second and then suddenly stopped. “Oh, wait.”
“Somebody help me!” Durbin squeaked, still stuck under a tire.
Specter flipped through a rule book. “Anyone know the proper Senatorial procedures for removing a car from on top of a Senator?” He closed the book. “Let’s figure it out after lunch.”