My Resolutions For The New Year

In 2006 I resolve:
To fully and completely obey the law… of gravity.
To never, ever, wake up grumpy in the morning. I’m getting her an alarm clock.
To buy a really funny T-Shirt.
To wear hats more. And to wear more hats. Why does one always seem to be the limit?
To end my contant search for Waldo. He’s an adult. If he wants to hide, I say let him hide.
To find a regular feature I can write regularly and become the hack everyone expects of me.
To become famous and wealthy.
To become even more famous and even wealthier still.
To become so unbelievably famous and unbelievably wealthy that I have no time or notice for people who are still languishing at that first level of wealth and fame. People will say “I don’t believe you are this famous and wealthy.” I won’t blame or, for that matter, notice them. It WILL be hard to believe.
To own my own island where I will build a secret lair to launch a diabolical scheme and A) take over the world and B) establish democracies with capitalistic economies everywhere. I figure one scheme should do it. I’ve done my homework.
To eat more roughage.

Sarcastic Answer of the Week

John Hawkins has a regular feature on RightWingNews on which he answers,on seperate posts, questions submitted by his readers on the presvios day.
Its kind of like IMAO’s “Ask Ducky” but without RightWingDuck and all the inherant rightwingduckiness associated with that.
He (John Hawkins) usually posts this feature named “Q & A Fridays” on random days of the week but this time he has posted it on of all days, a Friday. He delivers a great sarcastic answer to this question. Do You Think Right Wing News Helps The Conservative Cause?
Actually, the full question was “John, in all seriousness, do you think your site, www.rightwingnews.com, helps your cause?”
But his answer to the question is as masterful an example of sarcasm as I’ve seen lately.

Predictions for 2006

My predictions for 2005 all turned out wrong, so why bother with 2006?
Heck, when the Mayor of Houston awarded a no-bid contract for towing companies to drag helpless freeway-clogging breakdowns away in his SafeClear proposal, I thought that Santa’s sleigh would be towed by eight tiny SafeClear towtrucks.
Nope. Didn’t happen. Just the usual eight tiny reindeer, towing the sleigh. Then Santa tried to make a left turn on Main and got whalloped by the METRO Light Rail.
Man, that bag of toys blew out like a pinata smacked by Barry Bonds. Broken toys for everyone!
So my resolution for 2006 will be to remain open-minded and flexible in dealing with whatever 2006 is fated to throw in my direction. And to be wise enough to listen when someone yells “DUCK!”
PS: Some of you have the tradition of firing guns off to ring in the New Year. I strongly believe in the individual’s right to not only bear arms, but to use them in situations when it is necessary to defend and preserve innocent life.
I also believe in gun safety, since it is part of the use of a gun to prevent accidental and/or untimely snuffings of innocent individuals.
If you’ve got to go all Yosemite Sam at the stroke of midnight, here’s one word of advice: fire blanks.
However, remember to swap the blanks for live rounds afterward. There’s nothing quite like like starting off the New Year with black-eyed peas and a dead burglar in your front hallway.

Dr. Duck has answers

For a minute there I thought about delaying the latest answers to Ask Dr. Duck. Then I realized that pretty soon, most of you will be smash faced falling down thinking about voting Democrat – drunk.
Which means that by tomorrow, your hangover will be so bad you won’t even care about what I wrote.
Man, I love writing.
Anyway – what happens when you come to Dr. Duck for adivse? THIS!!
Dr. Duck Has Answers.

Continue reading ‘Dr. Duck has answers’ »

HNY From IMAO

Thanks to Cadet Happy for the great title image
Happy New Year to all of you weirdoes out there from all of us weirdoes in here.

Hopefully this new year, 2006, will witness the final days, hours, minutes and ever weakening, rasping breaths of the Democratic Party.

Thanks to Cadet Happy for the great title image.

Scaredy Chickens

Wow, Frank’s back and the rest of us have practically clammed up I wonder if there’s a connection. Closing with another chicken/road type joke.

Q. Why did the the Democrat cross the road?

Continue reading ‘Scaredy Chickens’ »

A new twist on the old Chicken Joke

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Continue reading ‘A new twist on the old Chicken Joke’ »

Friday Catblogging

Since it’s Friday, I thought I’d spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka “I-MEOW”).
Today, it’s Frisky the King Of Fluffiness…


If you’re not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that “political humor” thing, it doesn’t. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Frisky is… um…

Wait. Now Piper’s shown up. Hold on…

And now Nardo’s getting into the act.
Well, isn’t that just great. Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.
(For more animal goodness, try Friday Ark today and Carnival of the Cats will be this upcoming Sunday, so send your catblogging links to submissions @ carnivalofthecats.com.)

Carnival Of Comedy #35

Carnival of Comedy XXXV is up at Motopolitico. Not too many entries this week probably due to not many people entering. I could be wrong. Or the usual entrants are a bunch of…couldn’t think of a demeaning word that was in the Christmas spirit.
Thanks Mr. Moto!

Comedy Of Carnival Reminder

Mr. Moto tells me there are very few entries this time. So, get your crap entered. I can say that, cause I know from crap.
Carnival of Comedy Schedule:
Dec 29 – Motopolitico
Jan 05 – Aaron Benedict
Jan 12 – Desert Elephant
Jan 19 – rachel pereira
I took some liberties with the schedule, but I hope my conscripts (and you know who you are) are amenable.
Want to enter? Go here, or here.

Putting the Extra Troops to Good Use

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
Rummy says that the US plans on pulling 7000 combat troops out of Iraq in 2006. Mostly because Iraqi security forces will be trained up enough to do most of the terrorist-shootin’ themselves by that time. Hard to believe it’s taking them this long to improve their marksmanship, but apparently Iraqis have worse aim than Ted Kennedy approaching a bridge, so we just have to make do with what we’ve got.
Meanwhile, we’ll have 7000 troops with nothing to kill, so we’ll need to find something else for them to do until Iran mouths off one time too many.
Here are my suggestions:


  • Send them to rescue those seven stranded castaways. It’s been 41 years already. Let’s bring ’em home.
  • Rub salve on Frank J’s rash.
  • Invade France – one can hold the gun while the other 6999 collect white flags from all the trembling surrender monkeys.
  • Since Democrats are all pissed off about wiretapping terrorists, we’ll just have the soldiers stand next to the terrorists and eavesdrop, instead.
  • Use them to re-connect that loose wire on your computer’s motherboard.
  • No, wait… that’s solders. Nevermind.
  • After the ’06 elections, the DNC is gonna need some logistical support to deliver their extra supplies of special “weeping hankies”.
  • Have them walk around New York City and gut-punch every lazy, overpaid Transport Workers Union bastard that went on strike.
  • Rebuild the levees in New Orleans.
  • Preferably with the bodies of the lazy, overpaid Transport Workers Union bastards that went on strike.
  • Get ’em all likkered up & suggest that it might be fun to try pushing the UN Building into the East River… “it’ll be sorta like cow tipping!”
  • Give them each a pointy stick and have them poke at Howard Dean to see if they can get him to make that funny sound again.
  • Give them a Holocaust Cloak and a wheelbarrow and have them storm the castle.

Or maybe we could just buy ’em a beer & send ’em home to spend time with their families.
AFTER they finish with Howard Dean.

Predictions for 2006

What does the future hold for the world in 2006? Some might say – it’s like a Christmas present – you’ll just have to wait and see.
Thankfully, every year – I peek!!
Just like Christmas presents and national security – it’s always good to have a little inside advance information.
I, RightWingDuck, would like to present – My Predictions for 2006.

Continue reading ‘Predictions for 2006’ »

Frank Does Karaoke

Since Frank J. is now married, I assume this must be him singing The Man Song.
Safe for work, but probably difficult to justify to the boss.

Late Night With FrankJ

I would just like to state for the record that at no time did FrankJ send coded messages through IMAO to hypnotize SarahK into marrying him and becoming a co-blogger. A restraining order would be completely without merit, and I am glad that the New Jersey judge has finally come to his senses by setting things right and refusing to issue that restraining order.
After much discussion and research, the other co-bloggers of IMAO have detected no sign of code words, gestures and eye expressions in FrankJ’s writing, although we assume that his obsession with ninjas, nuking the moon, and monkeys may be the sign of some sort of mistreatment by circus clowns during his upbringing. (But then, who wasn’t molested by circus clowns?)
As for the threat to break the legs of any of FrankJ’s representatives who attempt to come near her, I’d just like to say that Harvey is expected to be able to walk again after a few months of physical therapy.

Operation Nuked Honeymoon

If you are interested in the events behind the allegedly faked honeymoon posts, go here.
Did I mention I hate America and am going out back to burn a flag?