Know Your Enemy – Hanukkah

In honor of this being the first day of Hanukkah, I – the Token Jew of IMAO™ – have decided to post the FAQ that I use for when people ask me all sorts of stupid Hanukkah questions:

How is Hanukkah spelled?

Just like it’s pronounced.

Why doesn’t Hanukkah start on the same day every year?

It does. You’re just using the wrong calendar, a-hole.

What Channukkah music is there to play?

Don’t bother. Not even Apple would charge for it on iTunes.

Is (X) Jewish?

What am I, the Tel Aviv White Pages?

Why is the menorah lit at night?

Because it’s dark at night, stupid. What, you’re going to waste such nice candles to light the day? Are you Catholic or something?

Why are Hanukkah candles sold in boxes of 44?

Because Jews are good at math.

What’s the song that people sing while lighting the candles?

It’s called “Baruch Adutoy Adenoi.” It roughly translates to “Don’t burn your fingers, Dummy.”

How do you size a yamulke?

Your bald spot plus one inch.

What foods are eaten during a Hanukkah celebration?

Whatever your mother puts in front of you. Don’t complain!

Is it true that versions of Clue in Israel use a menorah instead of a candlestick?

No, but Monopoly race car token has been replaced by a sensible four-door sedan that gets good gas mileage.

Is it okay to gamble on which candle goes out first?

No. Shame on you.

Eight reindeer pull Santa’s sleigh. What pulls Hanukkah Harry’s cart?

A tow truck. I told him not to park there, but he never listens.

What if you blow out the candles before they are done?

You die.

Are you supposed to abstain from any particular activities during Hanukkah?

Don’t be such a putz.

What if the smoke alarm goes off?

Don’t buy cheap candles next time, you goniff.

In a fight between Aquaman and Hanukkah Harry, who would win?

Nobody. This is a season for peace, not fighting.

Why can’t I get Hanukah off when my friends get Christmas off?

Wait… you have Christian friends? What’s wrong with you?

I’ve seen electric menorahs. Are they okay to use?

No. People will think you’re gay.

What’s the meaning of the Hannukkah bush?

Some imbecile tried to assimilate. We kicked him out of the congregation years ago. Maybe you’ve heard of him? David Duke?

People who celebrate Kwanza also light candles. Is this related to the Hanukkah menorah?

Some black person broke into a Jew’s house, and stole the menorah. But he broke off two candles in the process. He also got the stereo and the silverware, but those were fenced before they could be incorporated into the ceremony.

What is the meaning of the four symbols on the dreidel?

Oy! Is this dreidel safe for kids? Player must examine dreidel for sharp edges before next player takes turn.

Huh? – Meaning of symbol lost in Shoah. All players weep profusely in shame.

Nu? – Player must clean the dreidel because they’re playing on such a dirty floor.

Feh! – Player determines that spinning a top is a stupid game and goes off to play some X-Box.

What goes “Oy, that burns! Oy, that burns! Oy, that burns! Oy, that burns! Oy, that burns! Oy, that burns! Oy, that burns! Oy, that burns!” ?

A blind guy on the eighth day of Hannukah.

What if you live in a neighborhood that prohibits the burning of candles in a menorah?

Burn your neighbors’ houses down instead.

Why are gifts given on every one of the eight nights of Chanukah?

It helps the economy.

If Christians have Santa Claus bring gifts, what do Jews have for Chanukkah?

The decency not to fill their kids’ heads with fairy tales and lies.

Merry Catmas

Q: What’s my favorite day of Christmas?

Continue reading ‘Merry Catmas’ »

Christmassacre

Today is one of the worst days for Technical Support people in the computer industry.
People around the globe, unwrapping their new computers, iPods, cell phones, and other technological marvels will be popping in the batteries or plugging in various connectors only to find out they have absolutely no idea what they’re doing.
It gives me chills down my spine. There’s no telethon for chills down the spine, is there? I’d be the poster child, standing up on stage with… um… Christopher Lloyd or…um… Rob Schneider. Yeah, any time a movie of his is out, I’ve got Spine Chill Syndrome. It’s not even covered on my lousy insurance plan, either.
So these newbies want to get all their settings on the new computer while getting all their porn copied over and wiped out of the old one so they can give it to the kids (who will probably just fill it with porn all over again).
Or maybe the connector in their iPod is a dud. Not every device that passes the in-factory QC tests keeps their virgin status. So they want to pick up a replacement and… the store’s closed.
Don’t forget about batteries. It’s not that they forgot to include them, but the fact that Mom and Dad or Aunt Rose or Uncle Harry got you the wrong batteries. Leave it to them to convince the museum to hand over the B-sized batteries because they think those are what will power your Robosaurus.
Who do you think they call to complain that the store’s closed? You know, because the Technical Support person can have the entire store pages and openup the store for them.
There’s always the RTFM issues. Gotta love it when the question is right there boldly featured in the documentation. When the person says they never read the manual, I usually reply I never answer questions that are in the first five pages of it, so turn to page 4 and tell me what you see there.
Did you purchase a sub-500 computer for your kid? It’s got a big Celeron or Duron or “Moron Who Fell For The Salesman’s Line Of Crap That Crippled Processors Are Good Enough And That Shared Memory Will Run The Latest Games” sticker on it? Why not just put a sticker on it that says “Overclock Me” on the monitor? Kid’s going to raid the Tupperware drawer and try to rig up a cooling system using the fishtank pump and the gooey insides of that freezer-pack… and you know that stuff kills dogs and stains the carpet.
Bought it all online and now you’re clicking through the interface looking for how to return all that junk? Heh. Heh heh heh. Yeah, call that 800 number for Customer Service. See if they’re in. No? Well, I guess you can just bitch at the Technical Support folks long and loud enough, they can magically handle your non-technical issue. Use lots of swear-words too. It excites them.
Oh well. At least there’s one bright and shiny thing about this being the worst Technical Support day of the year – now it’s India’s problem.

Continue reading ‘Christmassacre’ »

Merry Christmas, One and All

Merry Christmas and Chappy Chanukah! As a special gift, Lair edited together an IMAO Podcast since SarahK and I are now too busy for you people (so any vulgarity is not SarahK’s fault).
Just kidding! We love all our readers and listeners, and you should all expect a super new year from IMAO.
Happy Holidays! (and I’m only saying that because I already said Merry Christmas and don’t want to repeat myself – not from some PC reason or anything)