Note to IMAO Bloggers from the Real Frank J.

Last thing you want to have during your honeymoon cruise is a call from your mother worrying about your rash and then have to make a $14 phone call back (it’s $6.95 a minute) to explain you are all right and one blogger loves to photoshop things. After a quick look at what’s happened to IMAO in my absence (this is costing me $0.75) someone (Kevin, presumably) has been falsely posting as me again. I guess I’ll deduct the phonecall from his ad revenue share (I hope it was worth it!).
Anyway, other than that, it’s been a dream vacation and I still have two full days left (I get back Saturday morning). See you all then and punishment will be dealt.
Be honorable, ronin.
P.S. Was a guest blogger approved in my absence? Rarr!

The Truth About Iran

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
Showing less self-control than a Democratic Underground troll hopped up on Red Bull and commenting at Free Republic, the President of Iran has recently made foolish statements such as “Israel should be wiped off the map”, “the Holocaust never happened”, and “developing a nuclear weapons program within flying distance of the Israeli Air Force is perfectly sensible”.
To regain his credibility as “sane” in international diplomatic circles, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad decided to publish a pamphlet of interesting facts about Iran. Even though I can’t read the drunken-monkey-fingerpainting that passes for their written language, I’m sure that my translation is at least as accurate as any given CBS news report.


  • Iran is a large, Middle Eastern country covering 600,000 square miles of territory just east of Iraq that REALLY needs to get beat up and have its oil stolen.
  • Iran was originally settled by a busload of people who got lost on their way to a 7-11 Owners’ Convention.
  • Iran is ruled by the “Council of Guardians” who strictly enforce the Koran’s edicts all across the land. Living in Iran is like the Muslim version of living at Ned Flanders’ house.
  • I guess that would make the US troops in Iraq like Homer Simpson.
  • Mmmm… infidelicious…
  • The Iran-Iraq border is still littered with land mines from the Iran-Iraq war. If you need to sneak across the border, bring a Mexican to show you how to do it right.
  • Before the founding of the Muslim empire in the region in 700 AD, there used to be two other countries between Iran and Iraq – namely Irao and Irap.
  • For 8 years, Iran battled Iraq to a standstill, a feat that the Americans were unable to duplicate for almost an entire day during the Gulf War.
  • If something smells like the back end of a camel, it could be the front end of an Iranian.
  • Although some people – mostly filthy hippies – say that Iran is no threat to us, I still find it suspicious that their initials stand for Islamic Radicals Aren’t Nice.
  • Soon to stand for Idiots Receive American Nuking.
  • In a battle between Iraq and Aquaman, Aquaman would raise an army of jellyfish and… right… who am I kidding? The Iranians would chop him into lutefisk before he even hit the beach.
  • Iran’s national symbol is:
    iran coat of arms.jpg
    I have NO idea… a pole-dancing penguin wearing a Mario moustache, maybe?

Hopefully this information will encourage understanding and dialogue between our two nations, ushering in an era of peace that will last for centuries or until we finish stealing their oil.

Yea! I get to guest post!

Hello, all!
This is Damian G. of Conservathink, usurping the blog-throne of Frank J. guest bloggin’ it old school at IMAO.
First off, I’d like to thank the Academy for this honour, but mostly, I’d like to thank Kevin (a.k.a. Cadet Happy) who allowed me the opportunity to pollute Frank’s blog with my filth.
Anyhoo, it’s getting late, and as we all know, the zombie monkeys come out at night to feast.
Later!

Carnival Of Comedy #34 Reminder

The Carnival of Comedy is like tomorrow and stuff, don’t forget to submit your entry, go here, or here.
It’s going to be hosted here at IMAO for a change. Cadet Happy is the scheduled host and he said he had some sort of a surpirse for us.
Speaking of surprises, what’s the deal with all the posting by Mr. Honeymooner? Aren’t there other, wink, wink, nudge, nudge, things to do on your honeymoon? Sheesh.
Carnival of Comedy Schedule:
Dec 22 – Cadet Happy
Dec 29 – Motopolitico
Well, at least he hasn’t complained about the logos, course maybe he hasn’t noticed the logos, what with all the honemoon activity. But, I’d hate to think I had abused the trust of someone like Mr J.

What the frick-n-frack was that?

My lovely bride, you know the one, and I were on deck this morning after breakfast (Went down, stayed down! Yay!), taking in the Carribean view. We were tired out from our excursion in Cozumel yesterday (I’ll post more on that later–nothing too eventful occurred, thankfully) and we just wanted some quiet time to relax. We were on the left side of the ship (port side?) and I think we were facing a generally south/southeast direction. We were standing there cuddling and staring out in the distance, wondering if my money was going to last to the end of the trip (that’s what I was thinking anyway), I glimpsed something out of the corner of my eye (lasting about a 1/10th of a second). At first, I just thought it was a stupid gull or something, but my mind told me it was something else, some distance away. I listen to my mind usually, so I turned my head to look for the object and I barely caught a flashing glimpse of it about 1500 yards away, moving away from us. Suddenly, it changed direction and was moving at what seemed like an enormous rate of speed parallel to the ship and about 20 degrees off the horizon. We observed the object this time for about 2 seconds as it whizzed by and dissapeared out of sight. I grabbed my camera, and as I waited patiently for it to boot up, I saw the object moving back into sight heading down its original course (from my left, heading to my right). I knew I could not point and shoot at the object because my camera could never function that quickly, so in a purely reflexive manner, I tried to make sure I could get a broad field of view and pushed the shutter button as many times as possible with the object hopefully in the len ‘s view before it disappeared for a second time. I clicked the button two or three times before the object disappeared. We waited for 5 awkward minutes, but the object did not re-appear.
As soon as we concluded that our object wouldn’t show up again, I switched the camera to the “view” function and we both waited for LCD screen to come on. As soon as it came on and was displaying the picture that I just took, we studied it, but there wasn ‘t anything noticably present, and as we looked at the first picture I took, there seemed to be nothing on it either. We were dissapointed but after we got back to the “cabin of confounded frustration”, I downloaded the pictures on SarahK’s laptop, removed the red-eye and, what do you know? The object was clearly present in one of the pics, but we couldn’t see it on the small screen of the camera.
My best estimate was that the object was 50 feet in diameter (it was roundish), was opaque (not shiny) and was about 100-150 feet off of the ground at a range of about 1000 yards away. However, in the picture, it looks kind of metallic, but it did not look like this when in motion. I also want to emphasize that I have lived near several airbases, have been to lots of air shows, and have a good general knowledge of all rotorcraft and fixed wing aircraft being operated by our military and this object could never be mistaken for any of these. I would guess that the object was traveling at a speed of about 2-4 miles per second. I also want to say that after analyzing it in my magnificent mind thousands of times, I would have to say that I got a feeling that this object was being “playful” in some manner, sort of like Sydney but without the stupid monkey noises. I can’t explain that thought very well, but it’s just a feeling I had. I apologize that the photo doesn’t look that great at first glance, but the full-sized version (which I will post when I get to a cheaper broadband conenction) zoomed fairly well and there is no mistake that this thing seemed round.
The object is in the right upper portion of the picture and I forgot to add that when it was streaking by, it seemd to be pushing air or seemed to have a sonic wave in front of it or something to that effect. I’m not suggesting that this object was extraterrestrial in origin, but it certainly looked and acted like no flying craft I have seen before.
Not that this keeps me from being angry at Disney.
I want to believe, ronin?
whatisthat.jpg

Jerry Al-McGuire

Well, in the spirit of Christmas, let’s look at a Scrooge in the Holy Land, shall me?

Palestinian negotiator Saeb Erekat said he sent several letters to the Israelis seeking coordination on Jerusalem balloting, but hasn’t received any response.
“If the Israelis will not allow us to do elections in east Jerusalem … it means the Israelis will sabotage the elections,” Erekat said. “I know what the Israelis have on their minds. They don’t want a partner. They want unilateralism.”

Oh, those mean and nasty Jews, keeping the Palestinians from freedom and emocracy and their legal rights to vote and…
Wait. Under the Oslo Accords that set up the Palestinian Authority, voting and campaigning within Jerusalem (East, West, or Eternally Indivisible) in Palestinian Elections is strictly prohibited.
For someone that screams violations of International Law like Matt Damn screaming “Ben! Ben! Ben!” in the Honeymoon Suite, he sure doesn’t know much about it or the documents he’s signed.
This would be about as insane as the United States allowing Mexican Consulates to act as polling stations for illegal aliens, and then telling all law enforcement agencies that it’s more important to respect Mexican sovereignty to allow free passage to the polling places by law-breaking illegal aliens than, say, their inherent disrespect for our sovereignty by being here undocumented in the first place.
Let’s look at it from anoter perspective, shall we? You see, I live in Houston. And I’m somewhat of an Astros fan. I lived through the Scott Boras/Carlos Beltran foot-dragging bait-and-switch saga last year, with Beltran ultimately languishing at the Mets for an extra million or so while the crowd booed him into an early exit in September.
Hope it was worth it, Carlos. Willy T.’s doing great down here. Second-place Rookie Of The Year in the patch of grass you abandoned for the Transit Center Strike City. Thanks for asking.
It’s kinda sad that Saeb Erekat is wasting him time for a losing terrorist cause. So much talent at deception and propaganda and demonizing of the opposition instead of sitting down and actually working out differences while representing his clients, he’d have made one hell of a sports talent agent.