Not Really in Frank’s World: The War on Christmas Part II

Part I
“But Santa,” the little boy asked innocently, “shouldn’t you be saying, ‘Merry Christmas’?”
“Oh, ignorant little brat, er, I mean, precious child, that might offend the five per cent of the population who don’t celebrate that particular holiday.”
“But, Santa, that’s bulls***!”
“My! You sure do have a filthy mouth, little boy,” Santa observed.
“That’s because I’m not a little boy; I’m…” the “boy” said, removing his disguise, “I’m… RUMMY!!!
Then the young mother’s baby carriage exploded into a million pieces, and emerging from the wreckage was none other than Chomps the World’s Angriest Dog!
“Oh, my goodness!” the young mother exclaimed. “Then who is…”
“It is I! Alberto Gonzales! Ju stoopid gringo!” said the Attorney General, removing his fuchsia jumper. “Now lemme defend Navidad, or I’ll cut ju.”
“I thought my kids looked a little bigger,” the young mother said. “But if you’re here, where are my children?”
“Oh, they’re in an undisclosed location,” explained Rummy.


“Hey, Mister Vice President? Do ya wanna play hangman?” the actual little boy asked.
“Go f*** yourself, kid. Oh, and Merry Christmas,” Cheney replied.


“Condi, are we there yet?” President Bush whined. “I feel sick.”
“It’s your own fault,” Condi scolded, “Your helicopter isn’t built to hold two people, and that’s why you’re on the roof.”
“Aw, dang it!”
“Hold on! We’re heading in for a bumpy landing!!!”


A loud whirring noise filled the mall.
“What’s that?!” Santa yelled.
The glass ceiling shattered (literally, not metaphorically; women’s wages continued to be suppressed just as they should be) as Condi smashed the helicopter on through.
Bush picked the shards out of his hair and the bugs out of his teeth and then leapt off of the helicopter and into the mall fountain.
“All right, now what’s all this nonsense about ‘holiday’ this, and ‘diversity’ that?” Condi demanded. “Well, Fat Man? Talk!”
“First off, I have a gland problem,” Santa retorted. “Secondly, I’m not really Santa; I’m…”
“Hey, that’s my line,” Rummy asserted.
“I’m… Aquaman!!!
“Aquaman! It figures that some one as totally lame as you would try to destroy Christmas,” Bush said whilst shaking the water out of his ear.
“Yes, and with the help of my fish friends, no-one will be able to stop my reign of secular terror!” Aquaman cackled.
“You moron, we’re landlocked; there aren’t any fish for miles!” Bush corrected.
“Nu-uh! The aquarium is right across the way! Aqua friends, attack!
Just then, schools of goldfish, guppies, plankton and even a rare spotted turd snail swarmed the President within seconds, prompting Chomps to act. He lunged at the sea life, devouring the creatures in a single loud gulp.
“Thanks, Chomps!” Bush said, “Hey! Where’s my watch?”
“Now, as for you, Aquaman,” Rummy began, “I think that we have a special punishment in store for you…”
“No! Think of the Geneva Convention! For the love of God!” Aquaman begged.
“Poppycock,” Rummy scoffed, “and I thought that ‘God’ was verboten?”
“Hey, what say we gut this gringo pescado-hombre and get on home, Holmes?” Gonzales suggested.
“Nah, it’s Christmas. We ought to be more charitable…” Rummy replied.


The President and the First Family were opening their gifts on Christmas morn:
“George, thank you for the lovely jewellery, but how were you able to afford it?” Laura asked.
“Afford? Why, Sweetheart, haven’t you ever heard of a five-finger discount?”
“What?” the First Lady responded, her tone flattening. “Did that war whore help you shoplift for Christmas again?”
“No, of course not!” Bush defended, “Girls, do you like your mall security guard uniforms?”
“Yes, Daddy!” Barbara and Jenna answered enthusiastically.
“And I just love my new watch! I… misplaced the old one.” Bush fibbed. “I wonder what ol’ Rummy and the gang did with Aquaman?” he thought.


“Welcome to the Museum of Tolerance!” the Quaaludes-popping tour guide exclaimed. “First, we’ll begin with our Aquarium of the Rainbow, which features fish of every colour, creed and life-style. Children, please say hello to our newest addition, Aquaman!”
“Hello, Aquaman!” the children said in unison.
“Please help me!” Aquaman screamed, “The blowfish have been more than living up to their name! Please don’t leave me with the pufferfish for another minute!”
“Oh, look at how he frolics, children!”
Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah and Happy Festivus!

Top Ten Milwaukee Slogans

ABC news is reporting that a group in Wisonsin is trying to make their city more appealing by moving the city thermometer to a warmer area.
I say – good for them. Perception is 9/10 of marketing! With that in mind – I put my super powers (the ability to waste time on trivial items) to the test and came up with…
The Top City Slogans to Make Milwaukee Feel Warmer.
10. Undergarments are sexier when they’re battery powered.
9. Ice Sculpture: it isn’t just for summer.
8. Outdoor — schmoutdoors.
7. Every Monday is a snow day.
6. Jack Frost is ready to nibble your nose.
5. Shoveling is good exercise.
4. Yes, but have you ever felt a witch’s teet?
3. Cold: it preserves better than Botox.
2. Pay only $ 149,000 for a 3 bedroom, two bath igloo!
And the number one City Slogan to Make Milwaukee Feel Warmer…

Continue reading ‘Top Ten Milwaukee Slogans’ »

Christmas Coffee Card Contest

I recently bought an Elvis Presley Coffee Sampler Pack thingy from Ugly Mug Coffee.
In addition to four different kinds of Elvis coffee (none of which were Peanut Butter And Banana Sandwich), I also got a gift card for $5 off of Ugly Mug Coffee.
Well, what did you expect? A gift card for Victoria’s Secret? Well, their bras do make good coffee filters…
Anyway, The card’s got an offer code on it, which means it’s easily typed in and sent around the world in some kind of code-smuggling operation you’ve only dreamed about turning into a big-budget Hollywood movie.
FRANKJ: “Have you got the code?”
SPACEMONKEY: “We’re waiting on the signal from Istanbul.”
FRANKJ: “Victory will be mine. And savory.”

I figured I’d offer the card up as some kind of prize for a contest, but I can’t think of a good contest for the card.

Continue reading ‘Christmas Coffee Card Contest’ »

The United Nation’s FAQ

According to Michelle Malkin’s recent post, the United Nations has not been very open in telling the public how the Tsunami Funds are being used.

Normally, I agree with Michelle on a lot of things, but in this case IMAO has once again trumped a real world “journalist”

By going to the United Nations FAQ I was able to get the answers that Michelle was too lazy (probably because she works 60 hours a week) to get on her own.

THE UNITED NATIONS FAQ ON TSUNAMI RELIEF FUNDS.
United Nations FAQ

Q: Can I really get information from the UN detailing how our hard earned money was spend on those poor victims of the tsunami?

A: Of course, the United Nations is committed to ensuring complete transparency. We do not even want to give the appearance of anything inappropriate. Our books are wide open for the general public to view.

Q: That’s great. I love the UN. So, how was my donation spent?

A: None of your damn business.

Q: Pardon me?

A: Our apologies. Sometimes we spend so much time around here just keeping track of the kids we sometimes get a short temper. Hold on, on second: KOJO — YOU GET THAT MERCEDES BENZ OUT OF THE HANDICAPPED PARKING. YOU KNOW THAT’S RESERVED FOR POOR, INJURED PALESTINIANS. Thank you for your patience. What was your question?

Q: I donated a lot of money for the victims of the tsunami. How was it spent?

A.: None of your damn business.

Q:Are you sure that you’re using that money to benefit the victims.

A: Well, it depends on how you define “victim”. Besides, we’re pretty sure it’s doing some good, wherever that money is going.

Q: Are you telling me that nobody there knows what’s going on?

A: I think we have an accountant somewhere. We’ll have to ask one of the interpreters.

Q: You don’t know? Do you understand the meaning of the word HONESTY?

A: We’ll have to ask one of the interpreters.

Q: Besides the money, what else have you done in the areas ravaged by the tsunami?

A.We like it when people change the subject. We’ve done a lot of good in these areas. For example, in Thailand, with the help of the generous donations by Americans, we’ve been able to establish centers that not only help feed the poor — but helps them defend themselves against evil influences.

Q: What evil influences are those?

A: Americans.

Q: What do you mean evil? We gave you tons and tons of money.

A: That has yet to be proven! Can you show us where all of this alleged money is?

Q: Yes, we gave you craploads of money. You should have record of it in your accounting department. Ask THEM, they’ll tell you.

A. I’m sorry. That department is none of your damn business.

Thanks for visiting the UN webpage. Make sure you stop by the donation page. Every dollar makes a difference.

Friday Catblogging

Since it’s Friday, I thought I’d spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka “I-MEOW”).
Today, it’s Piper the Bizarre…


If you’re not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that “political humor” thing, it doesn’t. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Piper is… um…
Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.
(For more animal goodness, try Friday Ark today and Carnival of the Cats will be this upcoming Sunday, so send your catblogging links to submissions @ carnivalofthecats.com.)

I’ve been mega dittoed.

You all know that I am a huge Rush Limbaugh fan, and my greatest dream is for him to plug the imao.us website and the imaudio podcast on his show. Well, last week I called in to get on the air again. While chitchatting with call screener Snerdly, I mentioned that I’d be going on a Caribbean cruise for my honeymoon and would be stopping for an afternoon in Cozumel. Snerdly told me that there wouldn’t be time for me to get on the air that day, but if I left my cell number maybe he could call me the next day to get me on the show. I readily gave over the digits, hung up and expected to hear back from him the next day around 10 a.m. (R.L.’s showtime). Instead, my cell phone rang THAT EVENING, and, strangely, the caller i.d. showed “R. LIMBAU” (What? No ‘gh’?). I wet my pants (which really made my rash sting), picked it up, and who should it be but El Rushbo himself! Rush told me that he was a big fan of my website and podcast (practically addicted to them I believe he said) and chit-chatted for 10 minutes or so about the wedding. Then Rush asked if I could pick up a package for him in Cozumel. He promised that if I could do this small favor for him, he would put a free banner link to imao.us on his webpage and give us free plugs over the next few weeks. I was floored that such a great opportunity had come my way, and told him I was more than happy to do it for him.
Anyway, Wednesday rolls around and the ship docks in Cozumel. I go ashore and find the the backstreet pharmacy that Rush told me about. I told the clerk that I was there to pick up “Mr. L’s” package, handed over the heavy envelope Rush had FedEx’d me, and took a satchel filled with a couple dozen bottles of vitamins. When I got back to the ship, I threw the satchel into my suitcase and promptly forgot all about it.
The ship arrived at home port Port Canaveral this morning and the lovely and talented SarahK and the mighty and geniused Frank J. disembarked. We picked up our suitcases at baggage claim (we had to check them the night before) and I headed over to the the security kiosk to get my weapons back. On my way over, I saw a handsome German Shepard sitting there. Since I love dogs, and have been considering purchasing one, I reached out to pet it. Imagine my surprise when the dog, whom I subsequently learned was named “Duke”, bared his teeth, began barking frantically and leapt at me–I thought “could this be the real Chomps?” I fell over and Duke started digging into my bag like Michael Moore at a buffet and barking like he’d found Osama. The police officer asked me what was in there, and I replied dirty clothes, souvenirs and vitamins. I said “just search it and give me my guns back so we can be on our honeymooning way.” Well, guess what, the officer opened up the bottles of vitamins and announced that they all contained “hillbilly heroin” (oxycontin)! I was dumbstruck! Needless to say, I explained how I had picked up the “vitamins” in Cozumel for Rush and that the pharmacy must have given me the wrong prescription. I gave the police Rush’s cell number and told them to call him to clear up this huge misunderstanding. They got through to Rush all-right, but he promptly denied having ever heard of me and hung up.
So here I sit in the internet cafe at the Brevard County Jail, waiting to be arraigned, completely innocent of all charges. I expect to be released shortly. If not, I expect a huge ‘Free Frank J.” protest to be organized by noon. Till then, I’m going to practice singing some Johnny Cash songs. It’s karaoke night in the prison cafeteria tonight.
frankbtch2.jpg
UPDATE: Now available in the IMAO store . . .

Continue reading ‘I’ve been mega dittoed.’ »