Carnival Of Comedy #34

Since I’m stuck on a boat with the lovely, though talkative (very very talkative), SarahK, and have nothing to do, I figured I would host the Carnival of Comedy this week. I may have cruising on the brain due to the surroundings, but in going through the submissions this week it struck me that they fall into categories that closely parallel the characters of the 1970s show the Love Boat. So, without further ado, let the carnival begin!

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Carnival, exciting and new
Come aboard. We’re expecting you.
Carnival, life’s sweetest reward.
Like a turd, it floats back to you.
The Carnival soon will be making another run
The Carnival promises something for everyone
Set a course for adventure, your mind on a new romance.
And laughs won’t hurt anymore
It’s an open smile on a friendly shore.
Yes CARNIVAL!
Welcome aboard
It’s CARNIVAL! (hey-ah!)
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–Bartender Isaac Washington–
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The entries in this first group are like the ship’s bartender Isaac. Friend to all, Isaac is funny and funky, and there is no better person on the ship to pass time with in a drunken stupor. So sit back on the Aloha Deck with a Mai Tai served in a coconut and meander through these links . . .
a4g at Point Five presents The Brokeback Mountain Happy Meal

Damian G. at Conservathink presents Iranian President bans Western music; cites “phat beats” as evidence of vast Zionist conspiracy. [the headline made me LOL, which isn’t easy]

Tommy at Striving For Average presents Connect the Dots– Fun with screencaps–a clever framing device.

Sean Gleeson at Sean Gleeson presents Chat with the Holiday Moonbat

bob at either orr opens up old moonbat wounds with Bush wins Heisman, Dean cries foul

Peace Moonbeam at The Peace Moonbeam Chronicles presents a touching xmas tale Not So Silent Night

Peakah at Peakah’s Provocations… presents The ‘Hands-On’ Governor

Mr. Right at The Right Place presents Captions Outrageous! Winners [Heaven Must Be Missing an Angel Edition]

Rachel at Gall & Wormwood presents Twas The Night Before Katrina

Damian G. at Conservathink presents Dr. Germ and Mrs. Anthrax to wed in quiet civil ceremony.

–Yeoman-Purser Burl ‘Gopher’ Smith–
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This group of links, like Gopher, are pleasant but ultimately kind of stupid. You’ll have fun looking through them, but you’ll likely forget what you read 5 milliseconds after hitting the ‘back” button.

Josh at Multiple Mentality presents Check under the couch cushions

Steve at Irritation Station presents T’was the Night Before Christmas 2005 Edition

Chris at Dimmer Switch presents Deck The Roads

–Doctor Adam Bricker–
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These links–actually this one link since no other one fit in this category–reflect the personality of ship physician and resident syphilis patient “Doc”. Doc inexplicably gets a lot of action, and you’ll look back fondly on your visit with him until the burning urination begins.

Grouchy Old Cripple at Grouchy Old Cripple presents a Christmas cartoon

–Captain Merrill Stubing–
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These links, like Captain Stubing, are competent but dry and a little dull. If you think watching paint dry is a gas, you may like some of these submissions.

Buckley F. Williams at The Nose On Your Face presents TNOYF’s Guide To Dealing With Your Family During Christmas: Part I

Sinner at 7 Deadly Sins presents Envy: Clever

Lyn at Bloggin’ Outloud presents Humor Assignment: Stupid Iranian Tricks

Hoodlumman at File it Under presents 7 Tips for Holiday Cheer

Adam Graham at <a http://www.adamsweb.us/blog/”>Adam’s Blog presents Celebrating Xmas on the Wrong Date

FIAR at Radioactive Liberty presents Election, What Election

–Cruise Director Julie McCoy–
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If there is one thing that cruise director Julie knows, it is blow, and these links BLOW.

David at Pererro presents Reviewing
200motels at Let’s Get Something Straight Between Us! presents O BEER-O MIO!

Todd at Beat The Punsmith! presents Feingold Frags Foot at Fishing Junket!, and presents a post, which i suppose, sucks more than blows Hooverian Highjinks?

Anyway, that is all the links for this week. Happy sailing, I’ve got to go put salve on my open sores. And if I happened to hurt your feelings, please send angry emails and death threats to frankj@imao.us.

Robert Byrd: Senator, Kleagle, Homosexual?

In a recent Senate debate, Sen. Robert Byrd (Crotchety Old Coot-WV) took a position on Arctic oil drilling clashing with that of Sen. Ted Stevens (R-AK).
Here is what he said:
“I love this man from Alaska. I do. I love him,” Byrd said on the floor, even as he disparaged Stevens’ procedural moves. “I feel that my blood in my veins is with his blood.
“I love him,” Byrd finished, “But I love the Senate more.”

He then added, “But I don’t love that n***** from Illinois. He can go hang himself.”
A Congressional aide then emptied Sen. Byrd’s colostomy bag and lulled him to sleep.

RWD Cartoon-O-Rama

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Not Really in Frank’s World: The War on Christmas

President Bush was in sitting in the Oval Office in his PJs, posting on his blog…
“And… that’s… why… all… lib’ruls… suck… Save!”
Just then, a very pleased Karl Rove emerged from the shadows.
“Sir, the prophecy that once predicted your dooom now has a brighter future in store for you. Your polls are up.”
“Karl? I thought that you were indicted and stuff. I even turned your office into a playroom for Barney!”
“Yes, I know; I discovered an early Christmas gift in my inbox this morning.”
“You can’t say that!” the President gasped. “It’s not politically correct!”
“Oh, God…”
“You can’t say that, either!”
Just then, Bush’s face was met by a swift back-hand.
“George, what did I tell you about political correctness?” inquired an exasperated Condi Rice.
“That only hippies and college professors pay it any mind?”
“Exactly. Now come on, we have to go fight the War on Christmas!”
“But I thought that Christmas was good!” Bush said before being slapped again.
“No, the war was started by left-wing zealots and big retail merchants; we’re defending Christmas.”
“Oh, all right. Let’s go!”
“And put on something first. That Curious George pattern doesn’t really become you.”
“Aw, you’re no fun,” Bush griped.


The President, the Secretary of State and Karl Rove waited at the landing pad.
“I think you’ll like my new helicopter,” boasted Bush. “It’s radio-controlled, and it makes five different weapon sounds!”
“Yes, but does it actually fire weapons, per se?” asked Condi sceptically.
“Do malted milkball machine guns count?”
“Dooooom!!!” Karl Rove bellowed.
Just then, a thunderous crash filled the area with dust and débris.
“A perfect landing!” Bush stated proudly.
“I’m flying,” said Condi.


“Look, children! It’s Santa!” said a young mother with several younglings in tow.
“Ho, ho, ho! Happy holidays! Come and tell Santa what you want for the religious celebration of your choice,” St. Nick declared.
“Something’s not right…” the young mother said to herself.
TO BE CONTINUED…

It’s just right around the corner…

Okay, so I’ve got the IMAO podcast laid out and ready for the final step of putting in the music and sound effects, which I think I’ll finish when I get home tonight.
At least I hope I’ll finish it tonight. There’s always the possibility that I’ll be attacked by ninja. Or monkeys.
In the meantime, you might be interested in A Podcast Christmas Carol. C-Dogg (Chris Doelle) got a bunch of podcasters together to build this one.

Continue reading ‘It’s just right around the corner…’ »

Lost Beagle

Well, the BEagle 2 may have been found…

The British scientist behind the lost 2003 Beagle 2 mission to Mars said on Tuesday the craft may have been spotted in NASA pictures which indicate the project very nearly worked.
Beagle 2, named after the ship Charles Darwin sailed in when he formulated his theory of evolution, was built by British scientists for about 50 million pounds ($90 million) and taken to Mars aboard the European Space Agency’s orbiter Mars Express.

I’ve been silent all this time, but the time has come to reveal that I know what happened.

Continue reading ‘Lost Beagle’ »

Poll: Should Bush Be Impeached? H E Double Hockey Sticks, NO!

Poll: Should bush be impeached?
Saw this was linked to by a slew of left wing blogs and I thought it my duty as keeper of the keys to IMAO.US to sound the call out to the conservative side of the ‘sphere. So if you hear something, that’s me calling.
Look how the moonbat left is doing! And look how MSNBC divided the “No’ side into two answers in a vain attempt to divide and conquer us. Hmm, good thing there’s no media bias. Or there’d just be three different ways to say “Yes’ and an “I’m an idiot opton.”

Let’s get the word out and make this scientifically invalid poll as unscientifically valid as we can make it.
So vote your conscience and by that I mean vote for the one that makes Bush look the best.

Peter Problems

I can’t believe my honeymoon is turning out to be worst time of my life. I mean, I’m married, and that’s good: my lovely wife and I love each other very much. First I had sea sickness, then food poisoning, then this rash – which is getting worse but the cream helps. (I’m covered in this white goop). Now the honeymoon has taken another turn.
I just got back from the ship’s security office and I have to say that it wasn’t my fault. At least, most of it wasn’t.
Here’s what happened.
I woke up today feeling awful. My stomach is much better, but my rash was even worse than before. The lower half of my body is completely red — which is a vast improvement — before it was completely blue. Have I told you how great marital sex is? It’s great!
Anyway, the lovely wife and I decided to go topside. SarahK has enjoyed our vacation very much.
So we went upstairs and Sarah sat in the sun while I found a chair next to a big column that provided some shade and some cover so people don’t see me when I scratch myself.
We had been sitting up there for about 30 minutes when the wife, asked me to get her an iced tea. The Disney lounge up here serves them in these neat coconut containers and we’ve been trying to steal one since we got here. So I said, “Sure thing.” When I got up, I was still a bit out of it, and what happened next was completely an accident.
I was still a bit woozy from the food poisoning, and the lack of sleep, so when I got up, I lost my balance a bit. At this point, I bumped into one of the employees wearing a Disney costume — the big bear from Jungle Book — what’s his name — Balloo? Well, I didn’t just bump into him, I guess I hit him at just the right angle because the poor guy stumbled right into the kiddie pool. Good thing it was only 2 feet deep.
You want to hear kids scream? Put them in a pool and then throw in an eight foot bear. They were squealing their little heads off. We heard this and laughed. Most of the people in the area were laughing.
Except for the guy in the bear costume. He was pretty angry, I mean, he was screaming and cursin’ up a storm. Being at sea, you’d figure Disney would make those things pretty waterproof, wouldn’t you? So security was there a few seconds later and they help him climb out. They’re questioning me asking me why I did it. I can’t believe they’re serious. I try to lighten the mood and joke with them saying “Hey, I got nothing against bears. It’s those damn monkeys that I can’t stand.” The bear keeps cursing up a storm and takes his bear head off.
It’s a black guy.
I don’t think he understood my monkey comment. I don’t think that security did either.
So the three security agents took me downstairs and we had a short talk. I guess at this point I might mention that I was wearing my Nuke The Moon T-shirt. That took a lot of explaining, because as luck would have it, I’m being held by the handful of people (I think there’s like a dozn total) on the planet that don’t read IMAO.
After about 20 minutes the Captain shows up. He was an older guy, with very tanned skin and an understanding demeanor.
I told the captain, “look, I’m not exactly having the time of my life, what with this rash, and seasickness. Then of course those weird flying things zooming all around the ship.”
“Weird Flying things?,” he asked.
Oops.
I very, very carefully explained what I thought I might have seen. I’m not the kind of person who goes around claiming alien space abduction – especially since I have all my teeth. But I cautiously explained that I saw something – don’t know what – off in the distance flying at an incredible rate of speed.
Then we went back to explaining how I knocked Balloo (whose real name turned out to be Kevin) into the water, and what a blog is and why ninja monkey’s should be feared, and what the meaning is of Nuke The Moon. He actually laughed a little at that one.
After a while, they started to come around — I think mostly because they liked SarahK and figured that I couldn’t be TOTALLY crazy. After about 30 minutes of reassurances they let us go back to our cabin but warned us that they’d be by soon to ask a few last questions.
Okay, here’s where the stuff starts to get a bit more personal. SarahK and I have been trying to “spend time” together. Anyway, after waiting an hour we figured, “Hey, they forgot about us — now it’s time for some Marital Bliss. ” Harvey and his wife sent us these neat costumes. Mine is Captain Hook, SarahK has Tinkerbell.
WHAT? It’s perfectly normal. Besides, it’s a Disney Cruise. People expect it of you. Sneaking the hook onto the ship was easy. Security saw it on the x-ray machine and asked me what it was. I told them it was for religious purposes. You can carry anything for religious purposes — anything of course except a crucifix. Anway, we put on the costumes and I had my Pirate Evil laugh going while I bellowed “I’m going to get you if it’s the last thing I do.”I even had the Hook swinging, when there was a knock on the door. I went to open it.
It was security. Nothing impresses them more than I guy with a bunch of blisters on his face, covered with cream, wearing a big shiny hook over his hand.
This time, I was at the security office for 3 hours.
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Christmas Cartoon

I’ve really enjoyed my recent career as a cartoon artist. With a little bit of practice I could be the next – whatisname – or that guy with the beard! Anyhoo – here’s my latest offering. Enjoy.
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The Real Frank J.

May I have your attention please?
May I have your attention please?
Will the real Frank J. please stand up?
I repeat, will the real Frank J. please stand up?
We’re gonna have a problem here . . .
I’m Frank J., yes I’m the real Frank J.
All you other Frank J.s are just imitating
So won’t the real Frank J. please stand up,
please stand up, please stand up?
I don’t know who that imposter below is. Anyone who thinks I didn’t get food poisoning, then get sea lice, then have a run in with a PC-crazed Disney corp., then see a UFO, then get into half a dozen other scrapes I haven’t posted about yet needs to get a clue. And by the way, pay no attention to the men behind the curtain . . .
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