Hello Everyone,
I hope you enjoyed your holidays. It would be a shame to have people walking around in a bad mood – that’s my job!!!
Anyway, it’s time for our regular segment called…
Ask Dr. Duck.
I am here to provide spiritual nourishment, intellectual wisdom, and creative ways to use the word “doodie”.
What’s on your mind?
Post Holiday Blues? Girl/Boy trouble? Relationships? Angry relatives? Rabid weasels clawing at your door?
I can help. I’m certified in most states (okay – it’s in landscape design – but I’m certified – okay!!)
What’s on YOUR mind.
The Doctor is IN.
Archive of entries posted on December 2005
What IMAO Bonus Prize should I offer?
Hi there. I’m your old friend, Laurence Simon.
But I’m not just one of FrankJ’s loyal minions here at IMAO. No, I’m much much more than that.
Some of you folks know that I run a rather sick and twisted blog (among several) called The Dead Pool. Players pick 15 people, famous or infamous, and they score points when those picks die. Until the picks die, well, the players need to blog about their entires (15 picks, 4 blog posts a year… 60 total posts) Prizes are awarded at the end of the year for the most points, but the real fun is in claiming topical bonus prizes for your picks when they croak.
For instance, the first pick to die on a Friday is eligible to fight in the post’s comments over a T.G.I Friday’s Gift Certificate. Isn’t that cute?
Anyway, I’ve been racking my brains (or braining my rack) trying to come up with a bonus prize that involves giving away an IMAO T-shirt (You know, the ones that the pretty Sarah K.J. Oh-Kay models over there in the right margin). But instead of racking my brains (or brainsing my rack) I figured I’d let y’all suggest the conditions of a bonus prize that would be worthy of one of those shirts.
I’d been thinking on the lines of “Any pick with all of the letters I M A O in their name” but I am sure you can come up with better.
Post your suggestions in the comments, and not only will I add the best bonus prize idea to the Dead Pool, but I’ll even buy a shirt for the person who suggested it. How’s them apples?
I figure I’ll want to post it on December 30th, so you have until December 30th to come up with an idea. Sound good?
(No, I haven’t checked with Kevin as to all the legal mumbo-jumbo for this thing, but I’m assuming that in his legal opinion, we’re all gay or something.)
Coffee Card Contest Winner
Okay, in my arrogant opinion, here’s the best ideas for the Coffee Card Contest…
3. RightWingConspirator: How about a contest for the best idea for a made up holiday (take THAT, Kwanzaa!)?
2. Sarasmom: How about a description of the most homoerotic thing you had to do to get into a fraternity…
And the winner is…
1. Jenno: Most revolting idea for a coffee flavor.
All excellent ideas, but I think that one is the best idea for a contest. I’ll be sending Jenno the code off of the gift card shortly.
Thanks to everyone that participated, and stay tuned next month for yet another pointless contest for your confusion and amusement.
ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho
this is an actual x-mas display in eastern North Dakota . . .
upon closer examination . . .
Know Your Enemy – Hanukkah
In honor of this being the first day of Hanukkah, I – the Token Jew of IMAO™ – have decided to post the FAQ that I use for when people ask me all sorts of stupid Hanukkah questions:
How is Hanukkah spelled?
Just like it’s pronounced.
Why doesn’t Hanukkah start on the same day every year?
It does. You’re just using the wrong calendar, a-hole.
What Channukkah music is there to play?
Don’t bother. Not even Apple would charge for it on iTunes.
Is (X) Jewish?
What am I, the Tel Aviv White Pages?
Why is the menorah lit at night?
Because it’s dark at night, stupid. What, you’re going to waste such nice candles to light the day? Are you Catholic or something?
Why are Hanukkah candles sold in boxes of 44?
Because Jews are good at math.
What’s the song that people sing while lighting the candles?
It’s called “Baruch Adutoy Adenoi.” It roughly translates to “Don’t burn your fingers, Dummy.”
How do you size a yamulke?
Your bald spot plus one inch.
What foods are eaten during a Hanukkah celebration?
Whatever your mother puts in front of you. Don’t complain!
Is it true that versions of Clue in Israel use a menorah instead of a candlestick?
No, but Monopoly race car token has been replaced by a sensible four-door sedan that gets good gas mileage.
Is it okay to gamble on which candle goes out first?
No. Shame on you.
Eight reindeer pull Santa’s sleigh. What pulls Hanukkah Harry’s cart?
A tow truck. I told him not to park there, but he never listens.
What if you blow out the candles before they are done?
You die.
Are you supposed to abstain from any particular activities during Hanukkah?
Don’t be such a putz.
What if the smoke alarm goes off?
Don’t buy cheap candles next time, you goniff.
In a fight between Aquaman and Hanukkah Harry, who would win?
Nobody. This is a season for peace, not fighting.
Why can’t I get Hanukah off when my friends get Christmas off?
Wait… you have Christian friends? What’s wrong with you?
I’ve seen electric menorahs. Are they okay to use?
No. People will think you’re gay.
What’s the meaning of the Hannukkah bush?
Some imbecile tried to assimilate. We kicked him out of the congregation years ago. Maybe you’ve heard of him? David Duke?
People who celebrate Kwanza also light candles. Is this related to the Hanukkah menorah?
Some black person broke into a Jew’s house, and stole the menorah. But he broke off two candles in the process. He also got the stereo and the silverware, but those were fenced before they could be incorporated into the ceremony.
What is the meaning of the four symbols on the dreidel?
Oy! Is this dreidel safe for kids? Player must examine dreidel for sharp edges before next player takes turn.
Huh? – Meaning of symbol lost in Shoah. All players weep profusely in shame.
Nu? – Player must clean the dreidel because they’re playing on such a dirty floor.
Feh! – Player determines that spinning a top is a stupid game and goes off to play some X-Box.
What goes “Oy, that burns! Oy, that burns! Oy, that burns! Oy, that burns! Oy, that burns! Oy, that burns! Oy, that burns! Oy, that burns!” ?
A blind guy on the eighth day of Hannukah.
What if you live in a neighborhood that prohibits the burning of candles in a menorah?
Burn your neighbors’ houses down instead.
Why are gifts given on every one of the eight nights of Chanukah?
It helps the economy.
If Christians have Santa Claus bring gifts, what do Jews have for Chanukkah?
The decency not to fill their kids’ heads with fairy tales and lies.
Merry Catmas
Christmassacre
Today is one of the worst days for Technical Support people in the computer industry.
People around the globe, unwrapping their new computers, iPods, cell phones, and other technological marvels will be popping in the batteries or plugging in various connectors only to find out they have absolutely no idea what they’re doing.
It gives me chills down my spine. There’s no telethon for chills down the spine, is there? I’d be the poster child, standing up on stage with… um… Christopher Lloyd or…um… Rob Schneider. Yeah, any time a movie of his is out, I’ve got Spine Chill Syndrome. It’s not even covered on my lousy insurance plan, either.
So these newbies want to get all their settings on the new computer while getting all their porn copied over and wiped out of the old one so they can give it to the kids (who will probably just fill it with porn all over again).
Or maybe the connector in their iPod is a dud. Not every device that passes the in-factory QC tests keeps their virgin status. So they want to pick up a replacement and… the store’s closed.
Don’t forget about batteries. It’s not that they forgot to include them, but the fact that Mom and Dad or Aunt Rose or Uncle Harry got you the wrong batteries. Leave it to them to convince the museum to hand over the B-sized batteries because they think those are what will power your Robosaurus.
Who do you think they call to complain that the store’s closed? You know, because the Technical Support person can have the entire store pages and openup the store for them.
There’s always the RTFM issues. Gotta love it when the question is right there boldly featured in the documentation. When the person says they never read the manual, I usually reply I never answer questions that are in the first five pages of it, so turn to page 4 and tell me what you see there.
Did you purchase a sub-500 computer for your kid? It’s got a big Celeron or Duron or “Moron Who Fell For The Salesman’s Line Of Crap That Crippled Processors Are Good Enough And That Shared Memory Will Run The Latest Games” sticker on it? Why not just put a sticker on it that says “Overclock Me” on the monitor? Kid’s going to raid the Tupperware drawer and try to rig up a cooling system using the fishtank pump and the gooey insides of that freezer-pack… and you know that stuff kills dogs and stains the carpet.
Bought it all online and now you’re clicking through the interface looking for how to return all that junk? Heh. Heh heh heh. Yeah, call that 800 number for Customer Service. See if they’re in. No? Well, I guess you can just bitch at the Technical Support folks long and loud enough, they can magically handle your non-technical issue. Use lots of swear-words too. It excites them.
Oh well. At least there’s one bright and shiny thing about this being the worst Technical Support day of the year – now it’s India’s problem.
Merry Christmas, One and All
Merry Christmas and Chappy Chanukah! As a special gift, Lair edited together an IMAO Podcast since SarahK and I are now too busy for you people (so any vulgarity is not SarahK’s fault).
Just kidding! We love all our readers and listeners, and you should all expect a super new year from IMAO.
Happy Holidays! (and I’m only saying that because I already said Merry Christmas and don’t want to repeat myself – not from some PC reason or anything)
Almost done
Sad News
I’m Back, Yo
Back from the cruise (which kicked pinky-toe) just in time for Christmas (and the cats didn’t knock over the tree again). Haven’t had time to sort things out at the blog, but I think I might have to put a ban on imitating me. Just of note, only one post was actually me over the last week, and I think it’s pretty obvious which one.
Now I have a week holiday at home before heading back to work and a few hundred e-mails to now sort through. But I did have a few post inspirations while away. Hopefull I can remember them.
So, did Lair ever get that podcast together or do I need a new Jew?
IMAO Podcast #20 12-24-05
Not Really in Frank’s World: The War on Christmas Part II
Part I
“But Santa,” the little boy asked innocently, “shouldn’t you be saying, ‘Merry Christmas’?”
“Oh, ignorant little brat, er, I mean, precious child, that might offend the five per cent of the population who don’t celebrate that particular holiday.”
“But, Santa, that’s bulls***!”
“My! You sure do have a filthy mouth, little boy,” Santa observed.
“That’s because I’m not a little boy; I’m…” the “boy” said, removing his disguise, “I’m… RUMMY!!!”
Then the young mother’s baby carriage exploded into a million pieces, and emerging from the wreckage was none other than Chomps the World’s Angriest Dog!
“Oh, my goodness!” the young mother exclaimed. “Then who is…”
“It is I! Alberto Gonzales! Ju stoopid gringo!” said the Attorney General, removing his fuchsia jumper. “Now lemme defend Navidad, or I’ll cut ju.”
“I thought my kids looked a little bigger,” the young mother said. “But if you’re here, where are my children?”
“Oh, they’re in an undisclosed location,” explained Rummy.
“Hey, Mister Vice President? Do ya wanna play hangman?” the actual little boy asked.
“Go f*** yourself, kid. Oh, and Merry Christmas,” Cheney replied.
“Condi, are we there yet?” President Bush whined. “I feel sick.”
“It’s your own fault,” Condi scolded, “Your helicopter isn’t built to hold two people, and that’s why you’re on the roof.”
“Aw, dang it!”
“Hold on! We’re heading in for a bumpy landing!!!”
A loud whirring noise filled the mall.
“What’s that?!” Santa yelled.
The glass ceiling shattered (literally, not metaphorically; women’s wages continued to be suppressed just as they should be) as Condi smashed the helicopter on through.
Bush picked the shards out of his hair and the bugs out of his teeth and then leapt off of the helicopter and into the mall fountain.
“All right, now what’s all this nonsense about ‘holiday’ this, and ‘diversity’ that?” Condi demanded. “Well, Fat Man? Talk!”
“First off, I have a gland problem,” Santa retorted. “Secondly, I’m not really Santa; I’m…”
“Hey, that’s my line,” Rummy asserted.
“I’m… Aquaman!!!”
“Aquaman! It figures that some one as totally lame as you would try to destroy Christmas,” Bush said whilst shaking the water out of his ear.
“Yes, and with the help of my fish friends, no-one will be able to stop my reign of secular terror!” Aquaman cackled.
“You moron, we’re landlocked; there aren’t any fish for miles!” Bush corrected.
“Nu-uh! The aquarium is right across the way! Aqua friends, attack!”
Just then, schools of goldfish, guppies, plankton and even a rare spotted turd snail swarmed the President within seconds, prompting Chomps to act. He lunged at the sea life, devouring the creatures in a single loud gulp.
“Thanks, Chomps!” Bush said, “Hey! Where’s my watch?”
“Now, as for you, Aquaman,” Rummy began, “I think that we have a special punishment in store for you…”
“No! Think of the Geneva Convention! For the love of God!” Aquaman begged.
“Poppycock,” Rummy scoffed, “and I thought that ‘God’ was verboten?”
“Hey, what say we gut this gringo pescado-hombre and get on home, Holmes?” Gonzales suggested.
“Nah, it’s Christmas. We ought to be more charitable…” Rummy replied.
The President and the First Family were opening their gifts on Christmas morn:
“George, thank you for the lovely jewellery, but how were you able to afford it?” Laura asked.
“Afford? Why, Sweetheart, haven’t you ever heard of a five-finger discount?”
“What?” the First Lady responded, her tone flattening. “Did that war whore help you shoplift for Christmas again?”
“No, of course not!” Bush defended, “Girls, do you like your mall security guard uniforms?”
“Yes, Daddy!” Barbara and Jenna answered enthusiastically.
“And I just love my new watch! I… misplaced the old one.” Bush fibbed. “I wonder what ol’ Rummy and the gang did with Aquaman?” he thought.
“Welcome to the Museum of Tolerance!” the Quaaludes-popping tour guide exclaimed. “First, we’ll begin with our Aquarium of the Rainbow, which features fish of every colour, creed and life-style. Children, please say hello to our newest addition, Aquaman!”
“Hello, Aquaman!” the children said in unison.
“Please help me!” Aquaman screamed, “The blowfish have been more than living up to their name! Please don’t leave me with the pufferfish for another minute!”
“Oh, look at how he frolics, children!”
Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah and Happy Festivus!
Top Ten Milwaukee Slogans
ABC news is reporting that a group in Wisonsin is trying to make their city more appealing by moving the city thermometer to a warmer area.
I say – good for them. Perception is 9/10 of marketing! With that in mind – I put my super powers (the ability to waste time on trivial items) to the test and came up with…
The Top City Slogans to Make Milwaukee Feel Warmer.
10. Undergarments are sexier when they’re battery powered.
9. Ice Sculpture: it isn’t just for summer.
8. Outdoor — schmoutdoors.
7. Every Monday is a snow day.
6. Jack Frost is ready to nibble your nose.
5. Shoveling is good exercise.
4. Yes, but have you ever felt a witch’s teet?
3. Cold: it preserves better than Botox.
2. Pay only $ 149,000 for a 3 bedroom, two bath igloo!
And the number one City Slogan to Make Milwaukee Feel Warmer…
Christmas Coffee Card Contest
I recently bought an Elvis Presley Coffee Sampler Pack thingy from Ugly Mug Coffee.
In addition to four different kinds of Elvis coffee (none of which were Peanut Butter And Banana Sandwich), I also got a gift card for $5 off of Ugly Mug Coffee.
Well, what did you expect? A gift card for Victoria’s Secret? Well, their bras do make good coffee filters…
Anyway, The card’s got an offer code on it, which means it’s easily typed in and sent around the world in some kind of code-smuggling operation you’ve only dreamed about turning into a big-budget Hollywood movie.
FRANKJ: “Have you got the code?”
SPACEMONKEY: “We’re waiting on the signal from Istanbul.”
FRANKJ: “Victory will be mine. And savory.”
I figured I’d offer the card up as some kind of prize for a contest, but I can’t think of a good contest for the card.