According to Michelle Malkin’s recent post, the United Nations has not been very open in telling the public how the Tsunami Funds are being used.

Normally, I agree with Michelle on a lot of things, but in this case IMAO has once again trumped a real world “journalist”

By going to the United Nations FAQ I was able to get the answers that Michelle was too lazy (probably because she works 60 hours a week) to get on her own.

THE UNITED NATIONS FAQ ON TSUNAMI RELIEF FUNDS.
United Nations FAQ

Q: Can I really get information from the UN detailing how our hard earned money was spend on those poor victims of the tsunami?

A: Of course, the United Nations is committed to ensuring complete transparency. We do not even want to give the appearance of anything inappropriate. Our books are wide open for the general public to view.

Q: That’s great. I love the UN. So, how was my donation spent?

A: None of your damn business.

Q: Pardon me?

A: Our apologies. Sometimes we spend so much time around here just keeping track of the kids we sometimes get a short temper. Hold on, on second: KOJO — YOU GET THAT MERCEDES BENZ OUT OF THE HANDICAPPED PARKING. YOU KNOW THAT’S RESERVED FOR POOR, INJURED PALESTINIANS. Thank you for your patience. What was your question?

Q: I donated a lot of money for the victims of the tsunami. How was it spent?

A.: None of your damn business.

Q:Are you sure that you’re using that money to benefit the victims.

A: Well, it depends on how you define “victim”. Besides, we’re pretty sure it’s doing some good, wherever that money is going.

Q: Are you telling me that nobody there knows what’s going on?

A: I think we have an accountant somewhere. We’ll have to ask one of the interpreters.

Q: You don’t know? Do you understand the meaning of the word HONESTY?

A: We’ll have to ask one of the interpreters.

Q: Besides the money, what else have you done in the areas ravaged by the tsunami?

A.We like it when people change the subject. We’ve done a lot of good in these areas. For example, in Thailand, with the help of the generous donations by Americans, we’ve been able to establish centers that not only help feed the poor — but helps them defend themselves against evil influences.

Q: What evil influences are those?

A: Americans.

Q: What do you mean evil? We gave you tons and tons of money.

A: That has yet to be proven! Can you show us where all of this alleged money is?

Q: Yes, we gave you craploads of money. You should have record of it in your accounting department. Ask THEM, they’ll tell you.

A. I’m sorry. That department is none of your damn business.

Thanks for visiting the UN webpage. Make sure you stop by the donation page. Every dollar makes a difference.

Since it’s Friday, I thought I’d spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka “I-MEOW”).
Today, it’s Piper the Bizarre…

If you’re not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that “political humor” thing, it doesn’t. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Piper is… um…
Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.
(For more animal goodness, try Friday Ark today and Carnival of the Cats will be this upcoming Sunday, so send your catblogging links to submissions @ carnivalofthecats.com.)

You all know that I am a huge Rush Limbaugh fan, and my greatest dream is for him to plug the imao.us website and the imaudio podcast on his show. Well, last week I called in to get on the air again. While chitchatting with call screener Snerdly, I mentioned that I’d be going on a Caribbean cruise for my honeymoon and would be stopping for an afternoon in Cozumel. Snerdly told me that there wouldn’t be time for me to get on the air that day, but if I left my cell number maybe he could call me the next day to get me on the show. I readily gave over the digits, hung up and expected to hear back from him the next day around 10 a.m. (R.L.’s showtime). Instead, my cell phone rang THAT EVENING, and, strangely, the caller i.d. showed “R. LIMBAU” (What? No ‘gh’?). I wet my pants (which really made my rash sting), picked it up, and who should it be but El Rushbo himself! Rush told me that he was a big fan of my website and podcast (practically addicted to them I believe he said) and chit-chatted for 10 minutes or so about the wedding. Then Rush asked if I could pick up a package for him in Cozumel. He promised that if I could do this small favor for him, he would put a free banner link to imao.us on his webpage and give us free plugs over the next few weeks. I was floored that such a great opportunity had come my way, and told him I was more than happy to do it for him.
Anyway, Wednesday rolls around and the ship docks in Cozumel. I go ashore and find the the backstreet pharmacy that Rush told me about. I told the clerk that I was there to pick up “Mr. L’s” package, handed over the heavy envelope Rush had FedEx’d me, and took a satchel filled with a couple dozen bottles of vitamins. When I got back to the ship, I threw the satchel into my suitcase and promptly forgot all about it.
The ship arrived at home port Port Canaveral this morning and the lovely and talented SarahK and the mighty and geniused Frank J. disembarked. We picked up our suitcases at baggage claim (we had to check them the night before) and I headed over to the the security kiosk to get my weapons back. On my way over, I saw a handsome German Shepard sitting there. Since I love dogs, and have been considering purchasing one, I reached out to pet it. Imagine my surprise when the dog, whom I subsequently learned was named “Duke”, bared his teeth, began barking frantically and leapt at me–I thought “could this be the real Chomps?” I fell over and Duke started digging into my bag like Michael Moore at a buffet and barking like he’d found Osama. The police officer asked me what was in there, and I replied dirty clothes, souvenirs and vitamins. I said “just search it and give me my guns back so we can be on our honeymooning way.” Well, guess what, the officer opened up the bottles of vitamins and announced that they all contained “hillbilly heroin” (oxycontin)! I was dumbstruck! Needless to say, I explained how I had picked up the “vitamins” in Cozumel for Rush and that the pharmacy must have given me the wrong prescription. I gave the police Rush’s cell number and told them to call him to clear up this huge misunderstanding. They got through to Rush all-right, but he promptly denied having ever heard of me and hung up.
So here I sit in the internet cafe at the Brevard County Jail, waiting to be arraigned, completely innocent of all charges. I expect to be released shortly. If not, I expect a huge ‘Free Frank J.” protest to be organized by noon. Till then, I’m going to practice singing some Johnny Cash songs. It’s karaoke night in the prison cafeteria tonight.

UPDATE: Now available in the IMAO store . . .

Continue reading ‘I’ve been mega dittoed.’ »

In a recent Senate debate, Sen. Robert Byrd (Crotchety Old Coot-WV) took a position on Arctic oil drilling clashing with that of Sen. Ted Stevens (R-AK).
Here is what he said:
“I love this man from Alaska. I do. I love him,” Byrd said on the floor, even as he disparaged Stevens’ procedural moves. “I feel that my blood in my veins is with his blood.
“I love him,” Byrd finished, “But I love the Senate more.”
He then added, “But I don’t love that n***** from Illinois. He can go hang himself.”
A Congressional aide then emptied Sen. Byrd’s colostomy bag and lulled him to sleep.

Okay, so I’ve got the IMAO podcast laid out and ready for the final step of putting in the music and sound effects, which I think I’ll finish when I get home tonight.
At least I hope I’ll finish it tonight. There’s always the possibility that I’ll be attacked by ninja. Or monkeys.
In the meantime, you might be interested in A Podcast Christmas Carol. C-Dogg (Chris Doelle) got a bunch of podcasters together to build this one.

Continue reading ‘It’s just right around the corner…’ »

Well, the BEagle 2 may have been found…

The British scientist behind the lost 2003 Beagle 2 mission to Mars said on Tuesday the craft may have been spotted in NASA pictures which indicate the project very nearly worked.
Beagle 2, named after the ship Charles Darwin sailed in when he formulated his theory of evolution, was built by British scientists for about 50 million pounds ($90 million) and taken to Mars aboard the European Space Agency’s orbiter Mars Express.

I’ve been silent all this time, but the time has come to reveal that I know what happened.

Continue reading ‘Lost Beagle’ »

Poll: Should bush be impeached?
Saw this was linked to by a slew of left wing blogs and I thought it my duty as keeper of the keys to IMAO.US to sound the call out to the conservative side of the ‘sphere. So if you hear something, that’s me calling.
Look how the moonbat left is doing! And look how MSNBC divided the “No’ side into two answers in a vain attempt to divide and conquer us. Hmm, good thing there’s no media bias. Or there’d just be three different ways to say “Yes’ and an “I’m an idiot opton.”

Let’s get the word out and make this scientifically invalid poll as unscientifically valid as we can make it.
So vote your conscience and by that I mean vote for the one that makes Bush look the best.

I can’t believe my honeymoon is turning out to be worst time of my life. I mean, I’m married, and that’s good: my lovely wife and I love each other very much. First I had sea sickness, then food poisoning, then this rash – which is getting worse but the cream helps. (I’m covered in this white goop). Now the honeymoon has taken another turn.
I just got back from the ship’s security office and I have to say that it wasn’t my fault. At least, most of it wasn’t.
Here’s what happened.
I woke up today feeling awful. My stomach is much better, but my rash was even worse than before. The lower half of my body is completely red — which is a vast improvement — before it was completely blue. Have I told you how great marital sex is? It’s great!
Anyway, the lovely wife and I decided to go topside. SarahK has enjoyed our vacation very much.
So we went upstairs and Sarah sat in the sun while I found a chair next to a big column that provided some shade and some cover so people don’t see me when I scratch myself.
We had been sitting up there for about 30 minutes when the wife, asked me to get her an iced tea. The Disney lounge up here serves them in these neat coconut containers and we’ve been trying to steal one since we got here. So I said, “Sure thing.” When I got up, I was still a bit out of it, and what happened next was completely an accident.
I was still a bit woozy from the food poisoning, and the lack of sleep, so when I got up, I lost my balance a bit. At this point, I bumped into one of the employees wearing a Disney costume — the big bear from Jungle Book — what’s his name — Balloo? Well, I didn’t just bump into him, I guess I hit him at just the right angle because the poor guy stumbled right into the kiddie pool. Good thing it was only 2 feet deep.
You want to hear kids scream? Put them in a pool and then throw in an eight foot bear. They were squealing their little heads off. We heard this and laughed. Most of the people in the area were laughing.
Except for the guy in the bear costume. He was pretty angry, I mean, he was screaming and cursin’ up a storm. Being at sea, you’d figure Disney would make those things pretty waterproof, wouldn’t you? So security was there a few seconds later and they help him climb out. They’re questioning me asking me why I did it. I can’t believe they’re serious. I try to lighten the mood and joke with them saying “Hey, I got nothing against bears. It’s those damn monkeys that I can’t stand.” The bear keeps cursing up a storm and takes his bear head off.
It’s a black guy.
I don’t think he understood my monkey comment. I don’t think that security did either.
So the three security agents took me downstairs and we had a short talk. I guess at this point I might mention that I was wearing my Nuke The Moon T-shirt. That took a lot of explaining, because as luck would have it, I’m being held by the handful of people (I think there’s like a dozn total) on the planet that don’t read IMAO.
After about 20 minutes the Captain shows up. He was an older guy, with very tanned skin and an understanding demeanor.
I told the captain, “look, I’m not exactly having the time of my life, what with this rash, and seasickness. Then of course those weird flying things zooming all around the ship.”
“Weird Flying things?,” he asked.
Oops.
I very, very carefully explained what I thought I might have seen. I’m not the kind of person who goes around claiming alien space abduction – especially since I have all my teeth. But I cautiously explained that I saw something – don’t know what – off in the distance flying at an incredible rate of speed.
Then we went back to explaining how I knocked Balloo (whose real name turned out to be Kevin) into the water, and what a blog is and why ninja monkey’s should be feared, and what the meaning is of Nuke The Moon. He actually laughed a little at that one.
After a while, they started to come around — I think mostly because they liked SarahK and figured that I couldn’t be TOTALLY crazy. After about 30 minutes of reassurances they let us go back to our cabin but warned us that they’d be by soon to ask a few last questions.
Okay, here’s where the stuff starts to get a bit more personal. SarahK and I have been trying to “spend time” together. Anyway, after waiting an hour we figured, “Hey, they forgot about us — now it’s time for some Marital Bliss. ” Harvey and his wife sent us these neat costumes. Mine is Captain Hook, SarahK has Tinkerbell.
WHAT? It’s perfectly normal. Besides, it’s a Disney Cruise. People expect it of you. Sneaking the hook onto the ship was easy. Security saw it on the x-ray machine and asked me what it was. I told them it was for religious purposes. You can carry anything for religious purposes — anything of course except a crucifix. Anway, we put on the costumes and I had my Pirate Evil laugh going while I bellowed “I’m going to get you if it’s the last thing I do.”I even had the Hook swinging, when there was a knock on the door. I went to open it.
It was security. Nothing impresses them more than I guy with a bunch of blisters on his face, covered with cream, wearing a big shiny hook over his hand.
This time, I was at the security office for 3 hours.

I’ve really enjoyed my recent career as a cartoon artist. With a little bit of practice I could be the next – whatisname – or that guy with the beard! Anyhoo – here’s my latest offering. Enjoy.

May I have your attention please?
May I have your attention please?
Will the real Frank J. please stand up?
I repeat, will the real Frank J. please stand up?
We’re gonna have a problem here . . .
I’m Frank J., yes I’m the real Frank J.
All you other Frank J.s are just imitating
So won’t the real Frank J. please stand up,
please stand up, please stand up?
I don’t know who that imposter below is. Anyone who thinks I didn’t get food poisoning, then get sea lice, then have a run in with a PC-crazed Disney corp., then see a UFO, then get into half a dozen other scrapes I haven’t posted about yet needs to get a clue. And by the way, pay no attention to the men behind the curtain . . .

Last thing you want to have during your honeymoon cruise is a call from your mother worrying about your rash and then have to make a $14 phone call back (it’s $6.95 a minute) to explain you are all right and one blogger loves to photoshop things. After a quick look at what’s happened to IMAO in my absence (this is costing me $0.75) someone (Kevin, presumably) has been falsely posting as me again. I guess I’ll deduct the phonecall from his ad revenue share (I hope it was worth it!).
Anyway, other than that, it’s been a dream vacation and I still have two full days left (I get back Saturday morning). See you all then and punishment will be dealt.
Be honorable, ronin.
P.S. Was a guest blogger approved in my absence? Rarr!