For a minute there I thought about delaying the latest answers to Ask Dr. Duck. Then I realized that pretty soon, most of you will be smash faced falling down thinking about voting Democrat – drunk.
Which means that by tomorrow, your hangover will be so bad you won’t even care about what I wrote.
Man, I love writing.
Anyway – what happens when you come to Dr. Duck for adivse? THIS!!
Dr. Duck Has Answers.

As a Christian, I’m interested in the etymology of “doodie,” especially as it relates to shepherds and wise men. Can you help?
Posted by Ogmeister
Great question.
Whenever you see a whole bunch of sheep, that can mean one of two things. One: The birth of our Lord and Savior is near — or two — Gay Cowboys. A wise man once told me: “Son, go around the sheep field.” I tell you — nothing sticks to your boot like sheep doodie.
As far as the etymology the breakdown is thusly: “Doo” meaning there’s some poop over there and “Ie” meaning — not I meant over there!
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Help me Dr. Duck!
While swimming in the carribean, I got eaten alive by nasty sea lice. Now my bathing suit area is covered in disgusting, pus-filled postules. Benadryl isn’t helping. And my new bride won’t give me the time of day. What should I do?
Posted by FrankJ. at December 27, 2005 04:28 PM
He. he. She won’t give you the time of day? Buy a watch. It’s not like you use your money to pay your writers or anything.
Hee Hee. Sea lice. That’s funny. The readers really bought that one, hook, line, and lice.
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Why does Lucy always pull the football away from Charlie Brown?
Is she just a mean spirited (bleep) or is there something else at play here?
Posted by Laura
Laura, it makes for good comedy. They could either have Charlie Brown fall down or get hit in the crotch. Ha. Ha. Getting hit in the crotch is hilarious — I mean — when it’s not me.
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Have you ever noticed that Oldsmobiles had some serious understeer problems back in the 1960s?
I think that Rosie O’Donnell is really hot. Don’t you?
Posted by Senator Edward Kennedy
Two great topics, Senator. Rosie and Understeer.
Let’s start with some basic definitions. When you want to move right, but you have 1,200 pounds of rear end skidding left — that’s Rosie O’Donnell.
Understeer is when the car moves a little more to the right — or is that oversteer? I can never tell the difference. Anyway Senator, you want to make sure you can tell the difference — mostly because fat people float.
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How much do you think Fox’s programming in improved by American Idol? and how much do you think that is worth to them?
Posted by Randy
Personally, if I want to watch a bunch of singers with no real talent — I’ll watch the Grammies. But Fox has a hit and it’s worth a bunch of cash. I encourage all IMAO readers to audition while wearing a Nuke The Moon T-shirt. If you really want to stand out — avoid wearing pants. And have people kick you in the crotch. hahahahaha.
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Dr. Ducky,
This question has bothered me for nigh on 30 years.
Why did Bugs Bunny always have to pass through Albuquerque (and fail to make the left turn therein) no matter where his intended destination?
Posted by Brian The Adequate
Many people don’t know this but the underground burrow network was managed by Amtrak. Because of this, every town felt that they were entitled to have a portion of the tunnel run right by their crappy little city.
No offense to Albuquerque. New Mexico is a very lovely state with many fine Mexican restaurants, serving very tasty burritos, that cater to New Mexico’s minority population — white people. (you know, I never get tired of that joke)
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Dear Dr. Duck,
What is that smell?
Posted by DesertElephant
Sorry, I shouldn’t have made that stop in Albuquerque. Mmm. Burritos. I mean — it was SpaceMonkey!! Spacemonkey I tell you. I saw him smiling.
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Why don’t big corporate companies pay their bills? I can see an individual having problems, but corporate companies are supposed to have budgets…I mean what the hell?! Why do I end up calling these business monkeys three times a month just to get a freaking check?!!?
Posted by sarasmom
Sarasmom?
I’m sorry. I have no record of your question. Can you please resubmit it and we’ll tag it with the correct invoice/tracking number. At that point, we should be able to get an answer to you in a few weeks.
Bwuhaha ha.
Seriously, have you thought of showing up at the accounting department with a couple of really big friends in tow?
Clerk: Welcome to the accounts payable department. What do you need?
Sarasmom: This is my friend Vinny “I’ll break your knuckles if you don’t pay Sara’s invoice” the Bull.
Clerk: here’s my wallet.
Using this method, I was able to extract several thousand dollars from a few local businesses. And they didn’t even owe me anything to begin with. Isn’t America a great country?
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How should I ask that special girl to marry me? What’s the best way you’ve ever heard of?
Posted by motopolitico
Let’s start with the basics.
Are you sure you want to get married? Isn’t there someway you could get the exact same benefits without the wedding? Maybe you could stand on a street corner and have random ladies tell you that you have no idea what you’re talking about and that you really should have worn the other shirt — like they told you. Maybe they could make you stand there and hold their purses.
If that’s not enough then let me share with you the perfect wedding proposal scenario.
The best way was my Uncle Carlos. He met a woman later in life and was finally ready for marriage. When the big night came, he took her out to a lovely restaurant where they got a beautiful table overlooking the ocean waves. The had wine and an sumptuous dinner. Later that evening, he pulled out a ring and asked her to marry him. When she said Yes, he had a heart attack and died. Lucky bastard.
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Why is there a permamnet press setting on my iron?
Posted by Major Kev
Check the stttetings.
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Back in November my dog ran off. I had given him the combination to the safe just in case I forgot. I forgot. What do I do now?
Posted by Ron Rockstar
Have you thought about getting a cat?
Just kidding. I love dogs, too. Just the other day, I found one roaming the streets. It keeps tapping out code, like it’s saying Left 23, right 14, left 41 or something. Or maybe it’s saying, “I have to go doodie.”
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Yeah, so, is this help thing still open? I have a confession. I knocked a spider off of the microwave, and the spider fell into the microwave, and I closed the door to the microwave, and I turned the microwave on, and the spider met an untimely demise. Was that cruel of me? Does that make me a terrorist? And the government is inside my computer taking pictures of me. Damn. Now they have my confession. Am I going to jail?
Posted by the paperboy
Paperboy, what a coincidence. I had the exact same thing happen to me except it involved the neighbors Chihuahua. Twice. Technically, it doesn’t make you a terrorist. It just makes you human. As the Holy Bible says: Let he who has never taken a living creature and shoved it into the microwave to die for our entertainment — let him step forward and try it because it’s totally cool. (I’m paraphrasing of course, but I stand by my interpretation.)
As for the second part — how do you know the government is inside your microwave? Does it take holidays off? Does it have a line waiting to microwave spiders? Is it taking your food and outsourcing it to other microwaves?
P.S. The government really watches you through your toilet — it’s in the Patriot Act.
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‘Dr’ Ducky,
Is this mole something I should be worried about?
Posted by spacemonkey
I knew you were going to ask that. No, a mole is nothing to worry about. BTW, I know that your next question is going to be about your sunglasses. Check the coffee table right next to the current issue of Oprah magazine. Man, those moles are chock full of information.
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Hi DocDuck,
I live in Las Vegas. Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Posted by Dave S
I saw them. I saw them. They’re by that casino. The one with all the lights. If not, check the one next to it.

Thanks all for tuning in. It’s been a wonderful year. I hope to come back next year with more Dr. Duck, if you folks still ike it.
Also, I’ve decide to bring back the roundup. For those of you who don’t know – the roundup was a monologue style segment – like Leno or Letterman – but slightly more right-leaning.
Happy New Year