Dear Yasser,
Damn that Claudia Rosett!
She discovered our private little love-nest on Roosevelt Island!
When Mark Malloch Brown handed me the New York Sun this morning, I thought he was joking. “I only read the New York Times and The Guardian,” I said.
“Read it,” he said.
And I did… all those things she dug up…
At least she didn’t uncover the crystal meth lab, the teenaged prostitute slave pens, and the mosque full of explosives.
Thank God I took your advice to put all the leases under “K Annan.” I mean, Kojo or Kobina or Kuku or Koko or Kookla or Kringle or Kingfisher all could have signed that lease, for all they know.
Of course, taking your advice on investing in Gaza, that’s another story. I swear, I couldn’t have wasted that money faster if I had burned it.
Disney built their new theme park in China, not Gaza, you old liar!
I guess that’s why I love you so much, even if you’re dead.
Anyway, I guess I’m going to have to give up our love-nest on Roosevelt Island now. Kobina’s going to dismantle the ceiling mirrors and the camcorders and the hot tub so I can take them back to the Ghana goat-farm. Kobina insists on keeping the jelly-fist collection, though.
Then there’s the matter of revenge against this Claudia vermin. At first, I wrote up a letter of condemnation, but that wasn’t enough, so I had it translated into the five official languages of the organization before shredding all the copies.
I yelled for the commander of peacekeeping forces that I wanted to have her killed, or at least roughed up.
“Sorry,” he said, “all of our best murderers, rapists, and thieves are already deployed in Haiti and Congo. We haven’t one to spare.”
“Not one?” I asked.
“Well, we do have a few left over that we were going to send to the Golan,” he said.
“We can’t spare those,” I said. “I’d been planning a crime spree among the Jewish wineries there.”
I’d drilled the thugs for the Golan myself – they were going to stomp the Jews and yell “Now you know how your oppression feels to the occupied grapes of this Islamic Holy Land!”
I think I’m just going to switch license plates with her and make her pay all the parking fines I’ve accumulated in the last twenty years.
When I last checked, she’ll need to dig up the GDP of Finland to get her license back.
Love,
Kofi
“Kobina insists on keeping the jelly-fist collection, though.”
I hope that’s a typo.
LOL
Gonna miss Kofi.
I never make spelling errrors. Ever.
Dear Kojo,
I am writing to you from the men’s room of the PLO mission here on East 65th Street. I must be brief, for tonight is karaoke night and hopefully we will be very busy.
I must say though, in general, business has been very slow. This is in part because, as you can see, I have very few toiletries to offer our guests. Also, Palestinians are not averse to pissing in their pants. Sometimes, they just piss right in my tip cup.
But I must not complain. At least I have a job. However, in light of this recent setback, I must remind you, do NOTHING to jeopardize our subsidized apartment with the splendid views.
Your loving father,
Kofi xoxoxo