The Iowa caucus is tomorrow. Basically the fate of the Republican Party is in the hands of a bunch of inbred corn farmers. Recent studies have shown that the average Iowan has the decision making skills of a four-year-old with a concussion, so I don’t know whose idea it was to give them so much power. Have you tasted corn lately? Its crap. These guys don’t know what they’re doing.
If Iowa screws things up and flocks for the dishonest, TV evangelist hyuk-hyuk-Huckabee, you think its possible for the Republican Party to declare they no longer recognize Iowa as a state? I think we already don’t recognize New Hampshire (at least I have no clue where it is).
Who knows, though. Maybe they’ll do right or maybe they won’t matter, but the primary system seems a bit screwed up. Maybe it’s time for a change. Here’s some new ideas on how to select a Republican presidential candidate.
* Let Bloggers Decide: Were obviously very smart and informed, as we not only take the time to form opinions on important subjects, we also take time to type them out on the internet. The rest of the public may distrust us, though, with how we wear pajamas, drink puppies, and are hugely arrogant, but the rest of the public is stupid and I shouldn’t even be bothered with their opinions.
* Bare-Fisted Brawl: Let’s reduce things to the issue Republicans care about most: Who can kick whose ass. How can you not entrust the country to the one man who alone returns from the decision pit? Similarly, the Democrats can pick their candidate based on a large slap-fight.
* Random Choice: People who actively seek the presidency aren’t the people we really want as president. Instead, can’t we just use some random number generator to pick someone from the lists of registered Republicans? That way maybe we’ll get someone who doesn’t even want the job. And, if you’re worried about getting someone unqualified, all the president has to do is look tough and occasionally bomb stuff (which is why Democrats never work out).
* Have Me Decide: Why put things to chance? Everyone knows I’m the smartest, so just let me decide who should be our candidate. I am smart, honest, trustworthy, and, luckily for lobbyists, I can be influenced by gifts. I’m the perfect system.
* Plot a Military Coup: Why even bother with the stupid election? We Republicans are tougher, so let’s not even field a candidate and take the White House by force in January 2009. What are the Democrats going to do? Whine? How will that be any different from any other period in time? I like this idea best because its direct democracy of the purest form.
Frank, funny post, but really, if Huckabee wins, it was because all the other choices were so awful.
You’ve got McCain. you know, the guy who ran against the Republican Party for the last 8 years. The funny thing is he might be the nominee, like a zombie who rose from the dead. (I he starts referring to himself in the third person, think Bob Dole II.)
You’ve got Giuliani. Yeah, he beat some squeegee men about the head, but really, he’s a Democrat in GOP Clothing. Not to mention he defines family values as running off with wife #3 and divorcing wife #2 on TV.
Romney has spent a lot of money looking good, and he’s probably going to lose Iowa anyway. The man’s contorted himself like a Chinese acrobat trying to reconcile his record with his current rhetoric.
Fred’s a great guy, and I know you have a vested interest in selling the “Punch a Hippie” T-shirts, but he got started too late, made a lot of misteps, and he’s probably going to be finished after tonight.
I agree that Iowa and NH have way too much influence, much too much is made of relatively few people voting. The problem is that after tonight, two republicans and two democrats will be out of the race. New Hampshire will further winnow down the race. By the time it gets to states where some of us actually live, we are going to be down to maybe a few awful choices.
Frank, I’d like to apply for the job of managing the concentration/re-education camps for the libtards we round up in the coup.
My best qualification is that I live near a large body of water and have some free time on my hands. I’ll even provide my own board.
BOOOSH should just do what the dems think he wants to do. Have a military takeover, appoint all the JOOS to his cabinet. The senate will be Haliburton, mercs the house. We dont need any supreme courts cuz we have no rights.
Slogan: no election in 08!
oh yes.lawyers,ninjas and pooh throwing monkeys will be deported to whatever country is p***ing us off at the time.
…especially now that Al Gore has convinced them to sell their corn to the petroleum industry so they can create an overpriced and crappy gasoline knockoff.
Only a real asshat would try to get people to vote for Fred Thompson by making fun of the great folks from the U.S. state of Iowa. God Bless the United States of America which includes Iowa.
[Not for much longer! -Ed.]
I vote for bare-fisted brawl. In a bare-fisted brawl, Fred Thompson would win both the Republican and Democratic nominations.
Hey Frank,
How about choosing whomever demonstrates the best grasp of the Constitution? Dr. Paul would win hands down!
Peace, Love and Belt-fed Weapons,
KB
http://www.RonPaul2008.com
[If anything all the neo-Nazis and other weirdos backing Ron Paul while drolling on about the Constitution has only made me more suspicious of the document. We should classify those nuts as only three-fifths a person. -Ed.]
I’ll tell you what – Romney won’t get elected – but he would do the best job as president
Frank, in the Age Of Stupidity, you just have to trust democracy to work… electing… stupid people.
Arthur C. Clark already covered the Random Choice idea in Imperial Earth.
“We think a President should be dragged kicking and screaming into the White House.”
I second the decision pit. Can we make it like that one episode of Star Trek where Kirk fights the lizard guy? I’d watch that.
Inbred corn farmers? Don’t let Iowahawk hear that.