Last year, Osama’s cabana boy Ayman al-Zawahri asked terrorists, journalists, and terrorist sympathizers (pardon the redundancy) to submit questions that he promised to answer and which Al-Qaeda’s media arm will post to jihadist forums.
Well, the questions are in, and the answers will hit the web shortly. In an IMAO exclusive, I was able to get a sneak peek at the results in exchange for a frolicsome goat and an edible burka:
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Q: Dude, why do you have a camel testicle on your forehead?
A: That’s a zabiba, or “prayer bump”. Basically a scar from repeatedly knocking my head against the ground during my 5-times daily prayers. It’s also a sign that I don’t check for rocks before laying down my prayer mat.
Q: Is is spelled “muslim” or “moslem”?
A: “Terrorist”
Q: Is Osama still alive?
A: I can say without hesitation that if any parts of Osama are not a fading red stain on a wall in Tora Bora, then they are alive.
Q: How sure are you that that voice in your head telling you to kill people is actually Allah and not, say, a tumor?
A: As sure as I am that Osama is still alive.
Q: What’s the proper way to wage Jihad?
A: First, get a God. Preferrably an angry one. Then form a religion around him. Give it a hip & trendy name that plays off a popular Apple product. iSlam, for example. Then follow the directions of your religion’s important holy men, or iMams. Consider renaming your holy war iJhad for the sake of consistency. Then kill, kill, kill!
Q: Why do Jews make you so irritable?
A: Any race capable of producing Fran Drescher deserves extermination.
Q: The internet was invented by the infidel Al Gore. Aren’t you committing a sin against Allah by using Crusader technology?
A: You shut up!
Q: Which Muslim holiday is holier? Eid ul-Fitr or Eid ul-Adha?
A: Hitler’s birthday.
Q: Is global warming real?
A: It will be once Iran gets nukes.
Q: We miss the Iraqi information minister. Could you please hire him as your spokesman?
A: Are you nuts? The man was a pathological liar with sub-zero credibility! It’d be like using the New York Times!
Q: Don’t you think the object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his?
A: Patton was a stupid infidel! Allah says that the only way to win this war is to have as many dead terrorists as possible. Or was that Rumsfeld?
Q: Why haven’t you attacked America since 9/11?
A: America is simply too strong to target right now. However, we hope that will change soon [wink, wink].
Anything YOU’D like to ask the Zaw-meister?
Boxers or briefs?
Camels or goats?
Wouldn’t it be better for investigator conversion if you guys went out knocking door to door like the Mormons instead of decapitating people?
Is that a real language with letters and everything or do you guys just make it up as you go along?
Can we help in hunting Fran Drescher down?
Oh my, that was funnier than Ted Turner on Charlie Rose. I have to go now and look for some cannibal recipes.
Yes! This one’s for the al Qaeda terrorist type guy wearing the pile of laundry on his head…
Sir, do you guys prefer paper, or plastic? And a quick follow up question.
What are you hiding inside that pile of dirty laundry?
So do you know Acmed the dead terrorist, and can you get me his autograph.
“Silence, I KILL YOU”
When you get to hell, and you tell them America sent you, will you get a group discount?
(Not so much a question as something I’d be interested for Zawahiri to find out on his own.)
Are your 72 virgins men or women? You never specify.
For that matter are they human, sheep, or goat?
My local union, Terrorist 312, has decided that 10% benefits paid to my family for blowing myself up must go to a retirement fund. What’s your stance on this issue?
Does this explosive belt make me look fat?
Would you accept Helen Thomas, Hillary Clinton, Barbara Boxer, and Nancy Pelosi as members of your harem?
I’ve got a Scottish Terrier that can’t seem to hold continence for more than a couple of hours, and keeps waking me up with a shrill, repetitive bark every night. As a consequence, I’m sleep deprived, which affects my blogging judgment, leading me to make inappropriate, off-topic posts. Can you do anything about that?
A friend of mine’s third wife complains that she doesn’t get enough attention. Is there a doll or something shiny he can get her for her fourteenth birthday to keep her mind off of her troubles? What about a Scottish Terrier?
When did you sneak onto the set of Tootsie, kick Dustin Hoffman’s ass and take his glasses??
Personally, I’ve found sex with virgins to be the worst, most boring, and unsatisfying sex I’ve ever had…are you SURE you’re being sent to heaven?
Zawahiri is obviously an idiot, nukular winter is Bush’s way of fixing global worming.
Everybody knows that.
Where in the Quran does it instruct you to have ugly disgusting beards and smell like unwashed feet? (I assume that’s how you smell based on how you look)
Dear Zaw-Zaw:
I have a small female terrier who sits on her food, runs around backwards & then throws up from time to time. What should I do?
Al-Z: “Stupid infidel! You need to get your vision checked; you put the bow on the wrong end of the dog.”
Hey Zaw,
As a fellow towelhead, I have to say that the cloth diaper look simply doesn’t cut it anymore. You may find that plastic-lined Pampers with the sticky tabs are more useful for holding in all your Koranic inspiration, as well as being cooler in the desert heat. I prefer a simple, Kentucky Fried Chicken-style checkered tablecloth held on by a tasteful black bungee cord, but then again, I’m a Christian, so we kneel in wooden pews instead of prostrating with our heads adjacent to the flatulent, unwiped backsides of the hummus-gorging row in front of us.
What happens when an immovable object…say radical Islam as personified by a jihadist…meets an irresistible force…such as democratic freedom represented by a JDAM?
“What happens when an immovable object…say radical Islam as personified by a jihadist…meets an irresistible force…such as democratic freedom represented by a JDAM?
#15 – Posted by: FormerHostage on April 3, 2008 01:10 PM”
Spall, buddy. Spall.
How much are you paying Michelle Obama to bust on the USA? Why are you letting an infidel woman do your dirty work for you?
So, Hillary or Obama? Ron Paul? What the hell?
Seriously folks, just heard on the news that this guy said “once the Americans pull out of Iraq, the jihadists will be able to fill the vacuum, and then we will consolidate our forces against Israel.” Let’s just do the Israelis a favor and just wipe ’em all out while we’re already over there (i.e., the Patton approach).
The Cowboys are trading for disgraced cornerback Adam Jones. How can I blame this on the Jews?
LOL.
#13 AABQ-
Now that is comedy.
Yeah, Brian, Alan’s comment rolled me right out of a lunch break. Is it possible that he and Harvey are the same person?
//Personally, I’ve found sex with virgins to be the worst, most boring, and unsatisfying sex I’ve ever had…are you SURE you’re being sent to heaven?
#10 – Posted by: on April 3, 2008 12:10 PM//
I believe it was Dennis Miller who said that 72 virgins would be boring because he’d eventually want a woman that knows to stick her pinky in his a$$ when he has an orgasm.
How come you true believers don’t ever pull the Full Monty and martyr yourselves, instead of leaving that to the lower level guys. If you ever change your mind I’m sure there some American service members not far from you that can help you in that process.
Also, Why do the ringleaders of you cells cry like little girls when they get caught. They look nothing like they do in your retarded videos. That’s false advertising. I want my money back.
What’s the best way to get jihadi stains off a cave floor after a Hellfire missile strike?
Would you consider flushing Bibles down the toilet if you had toilets?
Does the muslim world ever plan to produce anything of positive value — like say, art, or science, or inventions that aren’t designed to kill people — or is this pretty much it?
//I believe it was Dennis Miller who said that 72 virgins would be boring because he’d eventually want a woman that knows to stick her pinky in his a$$ when he has an orgasm.
#23 – Posted by: on April 3, 2008 02:59 PM//
you know, when Dennis Miller was a liberal, I thought he was a jackass, but now he just plain makes sense. I’m glad he grew up.
Just the other day he said something like “isn’t it great that we live in a country where we can get up in front of thousands of people and accuse the government of infecting us with HIV to get rid of our race without fear that the government will find us and infect us with HIV”?
awesome!
My favorite Dennis Miller quote was something like
“The New York Times has more circulation problems than a guy climbing Mt. Everest in a speedo.”
#’s 21 & 22
Thanks for your nice words, but my occasional hits on teh funny really don’t compare to Frank, Harvey & the rest of the site’s contributors.
And besides, I have yet to be a honored as a guest blogger…
#30: That was an “e-mail accident.” Honest. I was pleading for some kind of “action.”
Give me a break. You’ve been scoring ringers for the last week or two. We’re all cowering in your comedic presence.
Sorry, Dennis the Menace hasn’t grown up, he’s just found a new group of people to suck up do. He’s foul, obnoxious and crude.
When I look at him and see the coarsening of our culture. We really don’t need that kind of moron representing us. You can’t have it both ways. You can’t go around spouting filth and then invoke moral authority. You can but then you’d be a Democrat.