The phone rings, waking President McCain. Groggily, he answers it. “Hello?”
“Mr. President. There is a foreclosure crisis. We need action now.”
McCain looks at the clock. It’s 3 A.M. “Are you psychotic?”
“This is very important.”
“Who is doing business at his hour?”
“We can’t wait for a decision on what to do.”
“It’s 3 A.M.! What the hell can we do right now?!”
“We need to make a plan.”
“Are honestly telling me you didn’t find out there was a problem with foreclosures until right now?”
“Well… I found out earlier today. I forgot to tell you until now.”
“I will strangle you!”
“That won’t help the foreclosure crisis.”
“Do you have a family? I will murder your family and make you watch!”
“That seems a bit extreme.”
“It’s 3 A.M.! You do not wake me with crap like this at this hour!”
JOHN MCCAIN: Ready to answer the call appropriately at 3 A.M.
It’s 3 AM. Your children are asleep in bed. But they are NOT safe. No. The phone is ringing and it’s Global Warming! Who will answer that call. Who will save the children?!!
A telephone rings at 3 am:
Phone: Sir, there’s a foreclosure crisis. What should we do?
Prez: Did the government cause it?
Phone: Well, no. But people are losing their homes and companies are losing money.
Prez: Was there anything illegal done?
Phone: Well, no, they were just dumb.
Prez: Good night
Phone: ringy, ringy!
Prez: This better be good, who is it?
Phone: Global Warming
Prez: Global What?
Phone: Global Warming
Prez: what the hell do you want, its 3 a.m.?
Phone: your kids are not safe because of me.
Prez: Is it hot enough to the point they will burst into flames within seconds?
Phone: Well,……no
Prez: well than this shit can wait til morning!
Phone: the earth will be 1 degree hotter in like 20 years, what are you going to do about it?
Prez: I’ll turn my thermostat down a f*#king degree, didn’t I just tell you this can wait til morning!
Phone: but Mr. President…
Prez: piss off and call China or something!
Phone: but
Prez: tell me if this sounds like a phone hanging up…click (dial tone)…………
A telephone rings at 3 frigging a.m.:
Caller: John, it’s Scooter. We’ve got a credit crisis. Too many self-absorbed Gen-X’ers took the ARM instead of the fixed.
John McCain: So?
Caller: It’s your fault.
John McCain: Is there anything I can do about it?
Caller: No, but you can pretend, feel their pain, crap like that.
John McCain: No. I feel enough pain just trying to walk and lift my arms. Tell those envious, narcissistic, short-term thinkers they can learn a lesson and only buy the house they can afford.
Caller: You’re not up for reelection, are you.
John McCain: Nope. Who would want this job?
#3 – Posted by: Clay S. on April 3, 2008 01:48 PM
Problem with this scenario is that Johnny Mac has fully bought into the global warming crap.
Ya, but I like my phone call better than his!
That sounds more like FRED answering the phone than McCain. You still dreaming Frank?
#4’s is close to near-perfect. Could I suggest a final closeing line?
McCain: Oh, and Scooter. Tell those self-absorbed Gen-X’ers who took the ARM instead of the fixed – to take the finger.
(Rolls over mumbling: “I refuse to dignify that with an answer…” Resumes snoring.)
Sigh…
The way it will really go down in the McCain Administration.
Phone rings at 3:00AM
Hello?
Mr. President? Did we bother you?
No. I was…um…”entertaining” Senator Kennedy. Let me go brush my teeth and I’ll be right with you. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzp….as Senator Kennedy prepares to leave.
Ok, this is John McCain, what can I do for you?
Sir we have discovered that there is a Mortgage Crisis in the Country and we feel you should act!
How do my friends on the other side of the isle feel?
The Democrats?
No you moron! The Republicans!
Oh, sorry sir. They think that people should be held accountable for their bad decisions and that the government has no business bailing out big banks!
Well that’s just BS! Talk with my good personal friends Senator Obama and Clinton. Have them draw up a bill and I will sign it first thing in the morning.
You don’t want to read it, Mr. President?
No!
Dude! I was all set to vote for him until I read the last one.
Frank! Help! Where is Aquaman?
Phone rings at 3 a.m.
nobody answers.
another phone rings at 3 a.m.
nobody answers.
another phone rings at 3 a.m.
nobody answers.
cut to:
Hillay Clinton flips to another page in Bill’s little black book, looks up another number and starts dialing.
cut to:
The War room…several generals looking very uneasy and things are blinking alarmingly on the large digital map behind them.
General 1: still busy?
General 2: yeah.
A phone rings at 3 a.m. And it rings. And it rings. No one answers. It keeps ringing.
John McCain is having a bad dream. In his dream, millions of Mexicans are swarming across the border into the United States.
Startled, John lurches from his mattress and picks up the phone.
“What!! Hello? Hello? Who’s there? Who is this?”
No one is there.
You see, the phone didn’t ring in the White House. President John McCain is senile and also suffering from dementia. It’s actually 3:00 P.M. and John was having a nap.
John’s nurse flies into his bedroom. “Is everything all right Mr. President?”
“I’m not going to digify that with an answer!” he blurts out while hanging up the Nurse Call Box.
I don’t like McCain, he is a liberal Republican. Ironically, Republicans are only liberal to be liked by the dems, and the last liberal Republican to be president was Richard Nixon. Did the dems like Nixon?
I wrote the above, because I thought the whole scenario sounded like the way Nixon would have handled it. He was the only liberal I would ever vote into office again, if he was still alive.
Of course the only reason I like Nixon, is because he really pisses off the libtards.
Phone rings at 3:00 in the morning and rings and rings and rings…
McCain finally answers…out of breath…”Hello?”
“Mr. President, are you ok?”
“Umm…yes…err…I was just…err…”meeting” with Senator Feingold!”
“Umm…ooookaaay….Mr. President…we have a crisis in the financial markets that you must deal with”
“What does my Vice President Think?”
“VP Kennedy?”
“Yes”
“He thinks you are a homo!”
Phone rings at 3 a.m.
McCain: Yes what is it?
Phone: Mr. President, there’s a crisis in Asia.
McCain: All right, let’s set up a meeting at 6, have them bring options for us and have a list of leaders for me to talk to ready to go after the meeting.
Phone: Mr. President it’s three o’clock in the morning.
McCain: I am aware of that, yes.
Phone: Why aren’t you tired, sleepy or disoriented?
McCain: I’m 72 years old. I don’t sleep, I nap and I already had my nap today. I had to meet with Senators Obama, Clinton and a delegation from the ACLU. It was a very productive nap.
It’s 3 a.m. and Frank’s asleep.
Suddenly he gets a phone call. After the second ring he picks up. It’s President McCain.
“This is President John McCain of the United States of America. Is this the owner of the IMAO website?”
“Ah… Umm… Yeah… Ah… Yes it is, Mr. President. How nice of you to call!” Frank looks at his watch – it’s 3 a.m.! WTF?
“Well, you’re in deep kimchi, dude. Tell those commenters of yours, particularly that guy who calls himself ‘ussjimmycarter’ that he sucks! I hate that guy and won’t dignify his stuff with a comment.”
“Well, okay, Mr. President, I’ll give him the message. Anything else?” (Frank winces and regrets asking that question.)
“Yeah. There is. In My Arrogant Opinion, conservative humor sites like yours suck. I won’t dignify them with a comment. You’re lucky you’ve got the 1st Amendment protecting you, big guy! Ted Kennedy could kick your arse!!”
John McCain slams down the phone. Frank smiles and goes back to sleep. His dogs, however, are frickin’ pissed off.
It’s 3:00AM and the phone rings in the White House
“Hello — This is John McCain”
“Mr. President, are you awake?”
“Of course I’m awake, you idiot!” “I’m bent over…err…sitting behind my desk right now meeting with Senator Reid”…
“Mr. President, we have a crisis on the World Wide Web!”
“And why do I care about that?”
“Well you see sir, there’s this A-Hole named Jimmy on the IMAO website who seems determined to make critical statements about democrats!”
“I want him found, and when you do I want him to be the middle man in a Man-Pile at the Abu Ghraib prison!”
“But Mr. President, we shut down Abu Ghraib years ago!”
“I know that you idiot!” “Open it up again just for our friend Jimmy and make sure we find some suitable friends for him to play with!”
“So we’re talking non-anal-retentive, sir?”
“You’ve got it!”
It’s 3 a.m. in Washington and 2 a.m. in Minneapolis.
A high tech blogger with the handle of ‘ussjimmycarter’ is working on his taxes. Beads of sweat are forming on his forehead. He wipes them off, but some of them drip onto his 1040 Schedule SE, staining them permanently. He’s got 22 hours until the deadline.
The phone rings. Completely rattled, the ex-submariner jumps and picks it up.
“Hello,” he says quietly. Silence.
“Who is this?”
“I’m your friend from across the aisle. I know why you can’t sleep and why you sit at your computer.”
“What the flying duck do you want?
“We’ve been watching you. Do want to know what IT is?
“What IT?”
Our friend looks at his computer and sees a large pop-up with an image of big red pill.
“Yesssss. That one.”
ussjimmycarter drops the phone, shaking.
The caption under the picture reads “No Choice” and in small letters, “John McCain.”
It’s 3:00AM and the phone rings in the White House…
“Hello”
“Mr. President, are you awake?”
“Of course I’m awake, I’ve been “entertaining my close personal friend Barney Frank this evening!” “What do you want and make it quick!” “Barney said something about playing hide the baloney pony and I want to get started!”
“Ummm…errr….ok.” “Mr. President, we’ve got him!”
“You’ve got who”
“Jimmy, the democrat hater, sir”
“Ahh, good work!” “How is our friend Jimmy?”
“He kind of, well, acted like a bitch when we picked him up.”
“What do you mean?”
“First he pissed himself, then we couldn’t shut him up!” “He dropped the hammer on everyone on the IMAO website!” “We’ve got all the names!” “Do we give him a break for cooperating, sir?”
“Hell no!” “There’s nothing worse than a rat!” “Ship him off to the Saudi’s for a couple of months and let them go to work on him just for fun!” “Good work boys!”
It’s 3 a.m. and ussjimmycarter is asleep.
The phone rings, and groggily he answers it.
“Mr. Secretary, this is President McCain. We need you tomorrow. Things are movin’ too fast.”
“Why? What happened, Mr. President?”
“That Jimmy fellow you had us pick up? He’s a problem. Turns out he’s actually Buford Pusser. I told him I’d have the Secretary of No Buggerin’ handle this one personally.”
“OK, Mr. President. I’ll be there.”
ussjimmycarter smiled and picked up his bat. He figured he’d hit a few with Buford into the nose bleed seats while the President pitches. “Gotta keep John outta trouble.”
It’s 3 a.m. at the White House and the phone is ringing.
Out in flyover country, a concerned, tax-paying mother glances at the clock. It’s 2 a.m. and she realizes she has yet to fall asleep.
She wonders if a phone is ringing in the White House at this hour. She figures it must be 3 a.m. there.
Our flyover mom imagines that the White House should never sleep, from 3 a.m. onward, around the clock. But she’s wrong.
The President there is snoring loudly next to his honey in the Lincoln Bedroom. His wife is sprawled on a couch in the Presidential Suite, drunk and passed out.
It turns out to be a wrong number anyway. Of course it is. Who would call the White House at 3 a.m.?
You see, this is an alternate quantum universe at some time in 2009. The 22nd Amendment has been repealed and President Bill Clinton has kicked Hillory out of the bedroom.
The flyover mom finally gets some sleep.
It’s 3 a.m. The phone stopped ringing. All is well.
It’s 12:21 am and you get a great big “Atta Boy” that was marvelous. I loved it ( wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more…) I have really got to get some sleep. Nighty night.
Funny, how threads that could go on for a long time thereby giving creative writers a chance to post (i.e., blog) just get lost in the scroll-down architecture of a website.
Hi to friends seanmahair and ussjimmycarter. And others who will never read this. I enjoyed the above – and thanks for the laughs.
And, of course, thanks to the blog owner.
Colbert did almost this exact joke tonight. 4/8/08. It might have been last nights episode though.