Cheney has finally gotten his memos showing he’s right that making terrorists very uncomfortable get information, but the Obama administration is still planning a probe to decide whether to prosecute people in the CIA for the methods they use. Personally, I don’t care what they do to someone if he’s a terrorist… or a terrorist sympathizer… or someone who hangs around a lot of terrorists like someone from the Middle East.
So what are the Enhanced Interrogation Methods the CIA uses? I will tell you:
ENHANCED INTERROGATION METHOD
* They shake a cat in front of a terrorist yelling, “Look at how we’re shaking this cat! Tell us what we’ll know or we’ll keep shaking this cat!”
* They flush a Koran down the toilet and then make the terrorist unclog the toilet because that doesn’t work too well.
* They let them watch American Idol’s results show right up until the reveal of who’s leaving, and then turn it off.
* During the questioning, all the CIA agents eat lots of tasty tasty bacon and the terrorists can’t have any.
* Their families are threatened, such as a vow to send their daughters to school.
* They ask the terrorist if he likes apples. If he answers in the affirmative, he is punched in the nads. “How about them apples!”
* Mandatory Muhammad cartoon drawing class. If you’re cartoon isn’t funnier than today’s Family Circus, it’s a beating.
* They threaten to splice their genes to give them a curly pig tail.
* They Let in an ACLU lawyer to check on whether the terrorists rights are being violated, then they beat up the lawyer in front of the terrorists saying, “This is what will happen to you if you don’t talk!”
* Al Gore is invited to give a slide show. Only excuse to get out of it is that you’re busy confessing terrorist plans.
* Not sure what exactly the final method entails, but it involves five minutes alone with Dick Cheney, a phone book, and a bottle of Vodka.
A shackled prisoner is placed in a van with two interrogators. While one interrogator is driving, the second sits next to the prisoner and puts his finger a half inch from the terrorist’s nose while changing “I’m not touching you. I’m not touching you….”
When the prisoner complains, the first interrogator asks “What’s going on?” to which the second answers “I don’t know. I wasn’t even touching him!” The first then tells them both to “Keep it down while I’m driving.” but does nothing else much to the aggravation of the prisoner.
This is repeated for 30 minutes or until they reach Nana’s house.
Bring in a scantily-clad Cindy Sheelob and a shiny brass stripper pole. Also bring in a court stenographer ‘cuz bad guy will be barfing out valuable intel way too fast to write down by hand.
I dunno, I think I’d confess to being in a terror plot to get out of being locked in a room with a pissed off Dick Cheney with a phone book and a vodka bottle.
That sounds…unpleasant.
Well, unless we were doing shots together, I bet he rocks as a drinking buddy.
I think Eric Holder would serve his country much better if he investigated the violation of civil and human rights that took place during the Waco Massacre conducted by the Clinton Administration during Holder’s time as deputy to (then) Attorney General Janet Reno.
I thought the one with the ACLU was a party game? Am I wrong?
Terrorists are placed in a Man Pile sammied between Rosie and Rosanne while being forced to watch the Madow show 24/7!
Enhanced interrogation:
Confess to terrorism or win a date with the first transvestite.
Give them a new diet of fried pork rinds, and pepsi and arugala.
Replace the kuran with the idiot bible by saul oldinski
Move jo jo in with them
USSjc, thats not enhanced interrogation, that is torture and should be punishable by a day with helen thomas.
* Force them to watch the movie Gigli, over and over.
* Give them a tv that only gets MSNBC, CNN and QVC.
* Make the terrorists attend nightly slumber parties with middle school girls, and they’re not allowed to kill any of them. (and neither are the interrogators)
* Introduce them to their new cell mate, Barney Frank.
* If they don’t cooperate, threaten to release them. In the middle of Detroit.
Two words: Cindy Sheehan.
A Nancy Pelosi lap dance should be enough to get anyone to confess to anything. Oh wait – that *is* actual torture.
Party at Karen’s house!
No no, not ze slide show! Anything but ze slide show! I’ll talk…
* During the questioning, all the CIA agents eat lots of tasty tasty bacon and the terrorists can’t have any.
yummy bacon makes me want to sign on to be a CIA terrorist interrogator.
IH8Socialist says: yummy bacon makes me want to sign on to be a CIA terrorist interrogator.
That and waterboarding.
oh yeah, getting to call babs boxer MAAM! (c word).
Threaten mandatory showers!
I think we should use “Enchanced Interrogation Methods” on those who voted for Obama.
Damncat
Just don’t park on my neighbor’s lawn, cuz that’s something terrorists would do!
Pelosi, Reid, Frank, Shummer, Dodds and Frankin video’s looped continuously until a confession is obtained. I personally would confess to almost anything to make THAT stop. Talk about cruel and unusual punishment.
Of course they could start raising pigs and throwing unrepentant and unforthcoming terrorist in with the little darlings. They’re so cuddly (pigs not terrorist).
I always figured for the really untalkative ones, they brought in Cheney.
He glared at them and they tortured themselves until they talked.
all the while having them listening to pink floyd pigs
and frying beacon all the time man. the sizzle.
and telling them ” that cereal you ate this morning… had pork juice in it”
Put them in a ‘smart car’ on the NYS Thruway with Gov. Squinty driving surrounded by 18 wheelers, everybody in the car has only eaten Taco-Bell for three days, and the windows will not go down.
You present him with an iPod full of Obama’s speeches…umm…oh, wait. Apparently he does that to people he supposedly likes. Go figure.