With Republicans looks for big gains this November, many are thinking they need a new “Contract with America” to organize behind. To help out, here’s my proposal for some things that contract could cover.
FRANK J.’S CONTRACT WITH AMERICA
* Anyone who whines about rich people will be set on fire and thrown off a medium-sized building.
* The right to bacon will be put into the Constitution.
* Hippies will be hunted like vermin.
* We will protect the country the only way possible: Dinosaurs with rocket launchers and space lasers.
* New taxes must first be proposed to an angry wolverine named “Ripper” to get his opinion.
* Pants on the ground will be punishable by death.
* New policy: Useless, dimwitted lawyers, instead of being put in charge as politicians, will instead be shot into space to study the effects of space on people we don’t like or need.
* It will be our promise to find out exactly how large and how violent a robot can be.
* Anyone who proposes nanny state laws like banning salt will be stripped of his citizenship and deported to whatever country we currently like the least.
* Before we were worry about obese children, we’ll first handle obese government.
* We’ll return America to its core values: Killing Communists.
Add:
> We will enforce our border with such ferocity (see dinosaurs, above) that Guatemala will have a problem with illegal Mexican immigrants.
> New airline safety rules: No male over twelve and under thirty flies, period. All other passengers are prohibited from carrying handguns over .38 caliber, because of possibility of damaging the aircraft.
> Darwin’s theory of natural selection will be taught in schools. Each student will be issued a sharpened stick.
The ghost of Asimov sheds tears over your fixation on violent robots.
The Commerce Clause will be amended to read, “If you do what I think you’re trying to do, George Washington is going to kick your arse.”
May the useful, bright lawyers (all seven of us!) please be the ones to get to shoot the useless, dimwitted lawyers into space? Pretty please with a cherry on top?
Frank, I can’t think of a single item in your contract I disagree with! About the only thing I would add is make sure that all acredited IMAO diplomats like myself don’t have to pay taxes. On anything. Especially on beer. Tax free beer, YAY!
Will the dinosaurs have the space lasers in addition to rockets, or are the separate, but complimentary,
weapons of massively awesome destructionimportant, vital parts of our national security?I mean, dinosaurs with death lasers in space is cool and all, but I don’t know if they are quite smart enough to use them effectively from space. At least, we don’t want them that smart (NO RAPTORS IN SPACE!).
Plus, the cost of a dinosaur-size space suit would be rather high. We’re trying to lower the national debt here.
I second Estella’s motion, except that I’ve always wanted to visit space. May I have a spacesuit, please?
MoogieP, would you like to be the one who studies the effects of space on the people we don’t need? I’m sure Frank would have a super special spacesuit to protect you from the dimwittedness that will surround you and the bone-degenerating effects of space! Just think, when you return, you might even be an inch or two taller! Actually, I’d like to get taller, myself. Would you mind trading off observatory posts?
I’d like to third Estella’s motion. I mean, who better to figure out which lawyers to shoot into space than an official IMAO lawyer?
Really, they should just put all of us in charge…
I love it! Bacon and tax free beer! Sign me up!!
This is a wasteful policy! These people, and those with pants on the ground, should be fed to our defense dinosaurs – alive. Dino likes ’em fresh.
DamnCat, I love your idea, but let’s take it one step farther. After the useless, dimwitted lawyers have been sent to space and studied, they could be returned and fed to the dinosaurs. That would make room up in space for all the new, useless, dimwitted lawyers that the law schools are churning out like so much human tapioca pudding. Plus, after a long stay in space, their bones will fracture easily, thus making sure no dinosaur teeth are broken and thus wasted on useless, dimwitted lawyers.
It appears you no longer consider sparkly vampires a threat. I’m glad. They (the good ones) could actually help maintain and repair rocket launchers on the dinosaurs.
If America has 5% of the world’s population and 65% of its lawyers, will there be enough rocket fuel for this endeavor? I think you need to run your math past Frank, Estella. Or consult a good aeronautical engineer (me). Those bastards are heavy. Morton Thiokol would have to produce solid rocket motors three shifts per day for years just to clean-out the lawyers in D.C. alone. I say round them up and nuke ’em from space. FOBS, baby!
I’d buy that bumper sticker!
Wow. I am astounded. This may be the only place in the Constitution that the Founding Fathers could have done better. Mebbe they didn’t want to add the butt kicking duty to Washington’s many other responsibilities.
New policy: Nuke it. Whatever it is, just nuke it.
> all sparkly vampires will be put to work in building, maintaining, and repairing our nuclear facilities. Any that do not do so will be required to maintain and repair rocket launchers on the dinosaurs. If any “sparkly” vampires rebel they will be fed to the black hole that is Michael Moore (who we punched and fired into space with the lawyers).
Does Frnak need a press spokesperson…. as you can see Im qualified
New policy:
1. You will be held accountable for your own actions.
2. The government will immediately stop playing the part of the nanny.
3. All the village idiots will be deported to France.
Shit, I’m in.
BTW, can you fix it so that beating up ‘flag burners’ and Code Pink types is only a minor misdemeanor [a $1 fine would be okay].
Who said anything about rocket fuel? I thought we were just going to load ’em into a cannon or something. I mean sure they might not actually make orbit, but is that really a problem?
I know killing Communists is an Old Skool Core Value, and we should get back to it, but can we keep the Noo Skool Core Value of killing Jhadis
before they try to kill us?
Hippies will be hunted like (the) vermin (that they are).
Wolverines!
To appease the environmental freaks, I recommend that we do a study on the suitability of lawyers as a renewable energy resource.
>>>Hippies will be hunted like (the) vermin (that they are).<<<
Hey now, I represent that remark. Anyway, what do ya have against old conservative hippies?
You forgot “Nuke the Moon” as our #1 Foreign Policy directive…
Is that what O implies we OFFICALLY don’t like (say, Britain), or REALLY don’t like, (such as any commie place)?
Jimmy, you’re not thinking big. Why use rockets to demonstrate how awesome America is? Can you think of a better way to test a ground-launched Orion than by shooting useless lawyers into space?
At last, a political platform I can agree with. Go Frank!
WOLVERINES!