The guy who did the epic 70 minute review/take down of the Phantom Menace now has a 90 minute review of Attack of the Clones (which I just watch recently again with the RiffTrax). I haven’t watched it yet, but I’ll issue a CONTENT WARNING based on his previous work. I’ll post the first part is here and you can find the rest here.

I just hope he can explain the plot, because I didn’t understand at all what exactly the bad guys were trying to accomplish in this movie. They just seemed to be constantly running into themselves. Shouldn’t it have tipped people off that Jango Fett was both the basis for the clones and fighting for the complete other side?

A study said that 52% of bloggers consider themselves journalists. Never really been sure if I’m technically a journalist, though. I never really journal anything and I mostly just make stuff up, but I look at a lot of the professionals out there on TV and in newspapers and I don’t seem that bad in comparison.

Of course, if I do consider myself a journalist, then I have to start worrying about journalistic integrity. That means instead of just saying, “Obama got a bucket stuck on his head,” I have to say, “Unnamed sources say Obama got a bucket stuck on his head.” And I’ll also have to have some section on IMAO I can bury corrections like, “We incorrectly stated that while Obama had the bucket on his head, he ran repeatedly into walls screaming, ‘Me want cake!’ That was Joe Biden. IMAO regrets the error.” I don’t know if I could do that; I never regret errors.

The iPad seems pretty cool. It’s sleek and responsive and intuitive to use. Part of this comes from there not being as much freedom one can do with this device as there is with a PC. The user is kept away from it’s low level function and Apple controls every single app allowed to go in it. Without that, it would quickly get as clunky as anything Microsoft releases.

In a way, the iPad is the model for what liberals hope America will be like if they can just get more and more of it under complete government control. We’ll have this sleek, responsive government that provides us with health care and all other necessities in an efficient, intuitive way. All we need to do is give up a few freedoms that most users citizens weren’t even using. Just think of businesses like apps, and every business has to be approved by the government to make sure it fits with their plan for the country. And making your own decisions about health care is like letting Flash run on the iPad — not allowed because it could mess things up.

Of course, we’re not talking about a $500 consumer electronic device, and people are a lot harder to keep organized as they are more unpredictable that apps for watching movies and playing poker, so the whole idea is doomed to fail in a spectacular fashion (see the Soviet Union). Still, it’s useful to understand what liberals are trying to do. Just hope the next thing Steve Jobs releases to great fanfare isn’t the iConstitution.

I never told you what it was like when SarahK told me she’s pregnant, so here’s a dramatic recreation using robots:

Here’s an interesting article on the Science! of laughter. I find the Science! of humor pretty interesting myself and have numerous theories and how it works and its purpose, but have just never gotten to formally writing them down. Then again, I made most of my theories through observation and never actually gotten around to doing any real experimentation — like tickling rats.

Still, if I dissect humor enough, then I can write a computer program to write all my jokes for this blog, and they will be the funniest jokes ever because they will have been selected by Science!. And maybe not everyone will get them, but other computers programmed with the same humor algorithms will find them quite funny. Then the computers will trade jokes and laughter back and forth but it will just look like a bunch of hex numbers to us and then we’ll get all paranoid about what are the computer joking about and worry that maybe they’re all laughing at us. Then we’ll go to shut down the computers, and that’s when Skynet freaks out and nukes us all.

Eh, maybe I should just get some rats to tickle.

So now Obama is for offshore drilling. He says he was always for it and we just heard him wrong in thinking he said the complete opposite, but I know this is a reversal of previous policy. So what is he up to?

Here’s my theory: He’s going to install spy satellites… UNDERNEATH THE SURFACE OF THE EARTH!

That’s right: He’s going to drill into the earth and put satellites that will ride the liquid hot magma to flow under us and spy on us. He’ll use them to see whether we bought government mandated health care and whether we’re making fun of him… WHICH WE’RE PRETTY MUCH DOING ALL THE TIME!

We need to oppose him, but we can’t use the real reason of stopping his underground spy satellites because he’ll just deny that. Instead let’s just say we’re against drilling because it hurts polar bears somehow. And when people ask why do we care about polar bears, we say polar bears are useful because… oh, I don’t know. Why do people care about polar bears? Do they do funny little dances or something? I might have to do some research.

There are a lot of things liberals believe that they’re pretty well trained not to say. Like that they want a full government takeover of health care. Most liberals want that, but most — especially elected officials — know to keep that to themselves because it makes people angry. Still, these liberals don’t quite understand why these things they want make people angry, which is why they slip up quite often.

Joe Biden recently said, “If you call that a ‘redistribution of income’ — well, so be it. I don’t call it that. I call it just being fair — giving the middle class taxpayers an even break that the wealthy have been getting.” Now, liberals are pretty well-trained to avoid the “redistribute wealth” and similar phrases, but again they don’t understand why it’s a bad thing other than it makes people angry. As Biden says, and lots of liberals think, it’s just being fair. Why would people be against being fair?

Then we had Rep. Phil Hare stating how he doesn’t care about the Constitution if it gets in the way of helping sick people. The thing I find remarkable about that video is how hapless he look in that video. He thinks he’s saying something heroic — “I won’t let some silly document get in the way of me helping sick children!” All he’s doing is expressing an attitude that’s pretty pervasive among liberals (how many have taken the Constitutional question of Obamacare seriously and not just handwaved “the Commerce Clause covers that”?); why would people be angry about it?

That’s the thing with liberals: They’re not being mean-spirited or anything; they just don’t understand. They see all the anger out there and it just confuses them. It’s like when SarahK and I play Trivial Pursuit on the ground and then our dog comes over all happy to greet us and walks on the board and knocks all the pieces off. We yell at her, but she has no idea what she did wrong.

Which leads to this point: The solution to liberals — shock collars.