So I’m learning all about birthing stuff for when little Buttercup is ready to come into this world, and one thing I learned so far has really bothered me. See, there are these things called “Braxton Hicks contractions”, which are some mild, non-painful contractions that happen weeks before real labor.
So here is my obvious problem with them: I assume women have had these since time immemorial, so why are they named after some guy? I can only assume thousands of years ago, women were like, “Hey, I’m having these early contraction thingees” but no one came up with a name for them then? But then one day, some scientist, John Braxton Hicks, says, “We had assumed the early contractions women complained about were just a product of their feeble, female minds, but I have proved they exist, so we shall name them after me!”
Scientists are a bunch of jerks.
Right. Scientists are a bunch of jerks. That’s exactly it.
I always thought that Braxton Hicks Contractions were actually named after him by his wife – when the contractions started she started shrieking, “JOHN BRAXTON HICKS, THIS IS YOUR F’K’N FAULT!!” Hence, Braxton Hicks Contractions.
You’d get an NC-17 rating sharing what ACTUAL contractions are named.
The only other man named “Braxton” I know of was a Confederate general of questionable military skill.
So, this Braxton guy probably stinks too.
Maybe it was Mary Braxton Hicks.
Should we call them Eve contractions? Or, since it was in conjunction with SarahK’s pregnancy, should we just call them SarahK contractions?
Yeah, they nick-named that particular scientist “Braxton Hicks” because, as a hick, he came from Braxton. The town of Braxton was known for its science hicks, I guess. But you’re right, Frank, he was a jerk. And yes, most are.
My coffee has a weird taste in it today.
Hicks was an Englishman, so maybe you can start a list of the worst people in English history.
Any relationship to Toni Braxton?
Hey! Batman is a Scientist! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HqBSnQuXHGY
I always thought they were a MeteroSexual Husband’s shriveling junk, when Wifey shrieks what she is going to do to him after this is all over.
Lookit, you are getting all caught up in the wrong thing. Here is the only thing you need to know about childbirth: SHE NEEDS TO TAKE THE DRUGS.
TAKE THE DRUGS SARAH.
You’re Welcome.
Don’t forget: Steal as many of those nose-sucky things as you can from the hospital. You’ll thank me later.
“My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, “I feel horrible; I look old,
fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’
I replied, “Your eyesight’s darn near perfect.”
And then the fight started…”
(OK, that’s the last “And then the fight started” story.)
Sarah, I am a nurse. Take drugs. take all the drugs they give you. You will thank KnitterChick and me.
SarahK-
More advice from one who knows: Take the drugs. And don’t wait too long before heading to the hospital. And don’t believe the b!#ch nurse who tries to tell you “I’m sorry dear, it’s too late for an epidural”. That’s a load of garbage.
Time to feeling human again after no drugs: 2 months
Time to feeling human again after giving birth with epidural: 3 days
And I might be generous with the 2 month estimate. It was probably longer and I’ve blocked out the memory.
Didn’t Braxton also have the Hickey named after him?
SarahK: DON’T TAKE THE DRUGS
Also, SarahK: Do your own research on the drugs and don’t just listen to a handful of disagreeing commenters on your husband’s blog. 😉
I’m sure you’re already doing research on it though.
Don’t get me started. I’ve had six Caesarian sections. The guy they were named after never had one.
If they give her laughing gas, you want to be sure to stay very close to her to love and support her and inhale as much of the stuff as you can. It’s truly wonderful stuff….
And you’re just learning this Frank, I thought you were smarter than that.
Sarah honey, I’ve had 6 children. 4 of them were “Natural Childbirth” which as Carol Burnett once said is like grabbing hold of your lower lip and stretching it over your entire body. The last two were born with the help of epidurals. Unless you have a medical reason not to, I’d really consider taking the drugs. Of course with the last child I was 38 ( Gods little surprise for me) so I was seriously tired, but the less stress, the better the labor and delivery. Still as has been previously posted, do your homework, including the spiritual part and then do what seems best to you.
Good luck, and try not to kill Frank during transition-you’ll want to but don’t do it, you’re going to need him later.
Hell, give the drugs to Frank, since some don’t want SarahK to have them. At least that way, his pain will be less.
I thought Braxton/Hicks contractions were named after those two famous liberals around the turn of the century, Harry Braxton and Nance Hicks. You remember, they thought you could spend your way out of a recession, unemployement checks would create jobs, overly regulating and taxing businesses would make them hire more people….
… and to finish that thought (got sidetracked with a football game), both the contractions and the liberals seem like they’re doing something constructive, but both do nothing to help the people involved. Contractions that don’t help dialate and liberals that don’t help the economy. Seemed like the perfect match, hence Braxton/Hicks contractions….
#11 – Jimmy,
you saved the best for last! LOL
From the second I got pregnant, I said I would get the drugs. But I changed my mind a few weeks ago, for a number of reasons (one of them medical). I’ll have the drugs available, but I don’t intend to take them. Can always change my mind later.
Sounds like you have all your little ducklings in a row. Again good luck and God Bless.
I always thought those Braxton-Hicks Contractions were those pulsating light towers in the engine room of the U.S.S.Enterprise.
4of7, I lied.
“My wife and I were watching ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’ while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have Sex?’
‘No,’ she answered.
I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes.’
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And that’s when the fight started…”
SarahK,
Do what you have to do. We need Princess Buttercup delivered! We want you to come through it unscathed, too. I think I can safely speak for all of us here and we are 100% in you corner.
Frank,
The labor part isn’t in any way good for you. The Braxton/Hicks liberal concieved contractions are only the start. You will shortly get a headache that will not go away. Most of it is worry over whether SarahK is going to be okay, but mostly it’s the whole labor thing. It’s traumatic to be the “support” person and feel there is no way to actually support. It gets worse when the actual labor starts. Verbal abuse, followed by guilt trips, followed by, “why don’t you ever think of me?”. Then, you shut up and SarahK explains that she’s going through the same emotions.
The delivery is a long ordeal. There is no way around that. It’s not fun for you or is it in any way short. SarahK will become something you have not seen. Ever, in your life. Like I said before though, she will return to normal, so don’t panic.
YOU, my friend, get the ultimate reward. Most of us Dad’s have it. We just get to strut on through life and smile.
The reward is this. And, I probably shouldn’t make it public, but you seem a little concerned. Once Princess Buttercup comes out, and the cutting of the embilical cord happens, the nurses clean up the Princess, wrap her in a blanket, and then hand her over to you sitting in a comfy chair. You daughter will look up at you and relax. The nurse will recommend that you stick your finger in her mouth, and she will start sucking on it. You do that, and the Princess will look you in the eye and you will see that she’s thinking “thanks, Dad, for being here for me during this ordeal, where the hell is Mom?”.
Mom and Daughter eventually bond, but you, being the one she sees immediately makes you and the Princess buddies for life. SarahK will never get between you two, even when she explains that she actually did so much more.
Enjoy the adoration from the Princess. She will always be yours.
Keep the reward in mind when you get abused during the delivery part. It’s way worth any abuse.
Sorry, Jimmy, I’ll try to use less salt next time.
Frank, it’s not just Scientists!. It’s doctors. Every surgical instrument, every surgical procedure, every surgical surgical anything is named after the surgeon that invented it. Being Scientist! type people, they name everything something that helps you not remember its name. For example, why call a clamp a clamp when you could call it a kelly? Like this Hicks guy, we will wonder who was this Kelly anyway, and what did he need to clamp?
This extends to procedures, and to a bizarre extent as I can sadly state. There is a doctor name for many, many surgical procedures. While I was working in an OR, we had a patient who needed something very large removed from a place where something very large should not be placed. Surgical instruments failed to accomplish the removal task. The attending surgeon was reduced to performing a procedure that is both obscene and likely otherwise illegal in many states.
Short story long: this procedure is actually named after the surgeon who “invented it.”
SarahK
You do what you think is best. FrankJ, hang in there with her even if she starts cursing in tongues. You guys will be great. Enjoy this experience; it’s beautiful and precious. Drugs or no, epidural or no, it will be great for you. I don’t know when Buttercup is due to arrive but best wishes.
One thing: if you do plan to try this naturally, wait a bit longer to go to the hospital. Once you’re there, it’s usually a no on drinking and eating. I told my doc to stuff it and drank anyway.
A bit longer doesn’t mean time to push, to clarify. Again.. you will know just what to do! You’ll be a rock star, SarahK!
Hey , Burmashave, I’m a former Surgical Tech, myself.
SarahK, re: drugs,
An Obstetrician tells the story of a long difficult labor of a woman in great pain whose husband kept insisting, “No drugs, no drugs.”
Finally the Dr. turned to a nurse and asked for two towel clips and a mallet.
“Why?”, the Nurse asked?
“Because I’m going to grab his penis with the towel clips and shove the mallet in his urethra so he knows what his Wife feels like right now!”, said the Dr.
“Give her the drugs.” , the Husband mumbled.
~
Either way, have a safe, blessed delivery!
How did Toni Braxton and Taylor Hix get this named after them? Is it because they are both c*#%s with unproductive jobs?
SarahK:
I forgot to mention the most important thing (told to me by my delivery nurse for baby #2): All childbirth is “natural”. The important part is that both you and the baby get through as healthy as possible.
Drugs, no drugs, c-section…whatever happens, trust yourself and your doctor. Do what you need to get to that wonderful part where you hold Princess Buttercup in your arms. That’s really all that matters.
Braxton-Hicks contractions are “mild and non-painful” only when men are having them. Yet another short end of the stick for women.
I did the first delivery with no drugs, second with an epidural. The epidural only “took” on one side, but just that little bit of relief helped make the contractions much easier to manage, and as someone said above, recovery after #2 was much quicker.
Remember to sing “Happy Birthday” to Princess Buttercup! Exciting times to come!
Sarah, have you found a dark warm cupboard or drawer to give birth in yet? Always name the first one Spot or Fluffy. Don’t bother with the placenta, Frank’ll be feeling a bit peckish anyway.
So, was the scientist that named the G-spot so hip that his posse just referred to him as “G”?
I second BratGirl. Once you are holding the baby nothing else will matter. A year from now no one will say, how cute, but did you know her mom had an epidural? Hope you have a healthy lovely baby, a few days early even. God bless!
Don’t take the drugs. Don’t get me wrong– the drugs are nice. You can give birth totally without pain… during the birth. And after the birth, the recovery’s a b*tch. On the other hand, if you go without the drugs, it hurts like the devil, but when it’s over it’s over and you spring back very quickly.
With baby #1 I had my epidural on high. We were laughing and talking during the birth and I had no pain, until it wore off and it felt like I’d been hit by a truck; I hurt for DAYS. #2, same thing only not quite so bad as it was a faster labor. The first one I had without drugs (which was #3), I had the baby on Sunday, was walking around like normal on Tuesday, and on Saturday was right back at the farmer’s market like nothing had happened, the only difference was I now had an adorable baby on the outside instead of the inside. Having #3 without drugs was an accident, but such a happy one that I voluntarily had #4 without drugs, even though it was an induction. I screamed like a mother@$%^ sonofa@#$% but the next day I could walk out of the hospital. (They still made me ride in the wheelchair though.)
It’s not so bad, as long as you don’t try to own the pain. You just let it pass through you and don’t try to catch and hold it. It feels like pooping out a watermelon.
Mrs R, don’t worry–I’m not going w/o drugs so other people won’t talk about my epidural later. That has nothing to do with it.
Wacky H, thanks for the encouragement. I’m pretty sure I can do this… And Frank isn’t allowed to tell me otherwise. 😉