At a White House Staff Meeting, Obama said…if I lose re-election in November, I’m taking all these crackers down by Kwaanza! Wait, did I say that, or just think it?
“Look, I know we are trying to promote a pet friendly atmosphere which appeals to our animal lover constituency, but the Staff Meeting is no place to bring your dog, especially one as shaggy as that one over there………..oh, sorry sweetie…”
“This election’s going in the crapper. Who has a suggestion on how to fix it? Okay, for Christ sakes, Joe, go ahead and go. Just wow. Now where were we? … In the crapper. Right…”
Can you guys hear me OK? I’m on the back nine and the reception ain’t so good out here. If the call drops just keep going without me and I’ll get Biden to fill me in when I get back to the Club H…. i mean White House.
“…okay, quick question…does this uniform make me look more Idi Amin, Papa Doc, or Benito Mussolini? Maybe I should just go for the Castro look in my second term?”
“As soon as the computer boots up, we can get started. …Which key is the ‘any’ key?”
“Anyone else a little uncomfortable that a bunch of old guys got together and now gay marriage is now a part of our platform?”
“What number comes after a trillion and how can we spend that in the next six months?”
“Guys, we need to talk about the fridge in the break room. Joe told me someone stole his drink and I myself had a cocker spaniel in there this morning, which is now gone.”
“So I finally got around to seeing National Treasure yesterday. I don’t get what all the fuss was over that wrinkly old piece of paper. No one liked mywriting that much and it’s so big you could use it for skeet-shooting.”
Barack Obama: “Did you guys know the Olympics have shooting sports?! I almost wet myself when that rifle went off! Guns are scary.”
Michell Obama: “[snicker] ‘almost’ [snicker]”
Barack Obama: “I’d like to begin this meeting, as usual, with a list of my accomplishments. One: I personally killed Osam-” Valerie Jarret: “Harumph!” Barack Obama: “-Bin Laden. Two: I swiftly surpassed Bush in golfing time. We were criticizing him for
not golfing enough, right?” Joe Biden: [unintelligible string of profanity] Barack Obama: “Joe, we talked about this. Put a quarter in the swear jar.” Joe Biden: “I’m all out. I used up all this month’s allowance just trying to find this room.” Barack Obama: “Then just take one from Pete.” Pete Rouse: “But I need that money for lunch. You can’t have it.” Barack Obama: “You’re racist.” Pete Rouse: “…because I want to keep my money?” Barack Obama: “Yes. Doing things with your money other than what I tell you to is racist.” Pete Rouse: “…” Barack Obama: “Now where was I? Ah, yes. Three: I earned a Nobel Peace Prize.” Joe Wilson: “You lie!” Barack Obama: “HOW DID YOU EVEN GET IN HERE?!! Security! … Security!” Alyssa Mastromonaco: “You sent them all out for dog-hunting.” Joe Wilson: “You mean for hunting dogs?” Alyssa Mastromonaco: “Did I stutter?!” Joe WIlson: “That’s disgusting.” Barack Obama: “I WILL KILL YOU!” Nancy-Ann DeParle: “Oh, no.” David Plouffe: “Oh, no!” Robert Gibbs: “Oh, no!” [crash] Kool-Aid Man: “Oh, yeah!” Joe Biden: “What the ($&# *$(# (@#&*#& ($&* is going on?!!” Leonard Nimoy: “I believe you liberals have been denying reality for so long, you’ve collectively lost the ability to distinguish between fact and fiction. It’s only logical.” Zombie Reagan: “Now put a dollar in the swear jar, Joe. And the rest of you get out. I’m taking over.” Americans: “Huzzah!”
“Hey guys, long time no see. I just popped in to say I’m off on yet another vacation, so just continue doing what you usually do when I’m not here… You guys are great!” (gives thumbs up)
At a White House staff meeting, Obama said, “Tell Rahm we’ll get back with him, then shut the door and pull the drapes. Joe just came up the back steps with the Chick-fil-a.”
Guys, I don’t have time for staff meetings when there’s fundraising to be done. If you want to keep meeting like this, it’s going to be $34,000 a plate.
“Who wants to start the meeting with any problems we have to blame Bush for this week?”
We will start the meeting, as usual, by having Eric Holder pardon us all.”
“I know it’s harder to conduct the meeting with everyone on the same side of the table, but it’s the only way we can all face Mecca”
“Let me be clear.” Then he was silent the rest of the meeting.
At a White House Staff Meeting, Obama said… “Intercepted!!”
At a White House Staff Meeting, Obama said… whatever was on the teleprompter.
“I’m sick and tired of you bitter, white, staff people bad-mouthing me and the Olympics on Twitter.”
At a White House Staff Meeting, Obama said… “Where can we send Moochelle next?”
At a White House Staff Meeting, Obama said… “We are not starting this meeting until I get my Sith Lord on the speakerphone.”
“Hey, the trail of doughnuts ended…. oh crap! A meeting!”
“Duck…. duck….. duck….. goose!”
…whatever Valerie Jarrett approved for him to say that day.
“What’s the next step in changing the greatest nation in the world?”
“That was some good barbecue dog in the White House cafeteria today!”
…if you’ll all kneel on the floor facing Mecca we can get started.
. . . um, do I know any of you people?
Who’s got Tic-Tacs? Can’t get that taste outta’ my mouth.
Well the bad news is that the rooms IQ level did not go down when Biden went to go peepee.
Ohhhh, this is embarrassing, but I glanced in the mirror and man, I was glad to see me.
“Hey, look at all the white folks here. What time is the cross burning? Kidding…I’m a kidder.”
Nothing you fool he is never there, going to staff meetings would cut into golf time.
At a White House Staff Meeting, Obama said…if I lose re-election in November, I’m taking all these crackers down by Kwaanza! Wait, did I say that, or just think it?
“Hey, Salazar…are you ABSOLUTELY sure that you can’t get me better tee times ??”
“BINGO!”
“You may be wondering why I called you all here today. Michelle will be here in just a minute to tell me.”
“What? Me, worry?”
Are you guys here for the free golf too???
“I’ll bet I’ve got the biggest staff in this room Heh Heh Heh”
“Look, I know we are trying to promote a pet friendly atmosphere which appeals to our animal lover constituency, but the Staff Meeting is no place to bring your dog, especially one as shaggy as that one over there………..oh, sorry sweetie…”
…I didn’t get a hurrumph outta that guy!
“This election’s going in the crapper. Who has a suggestion on how to fix it? Okay, for Christ sakes, Joe, go ahead and go. Just wow. Now where were we? … In the crapper. Right…”
“What’s this staff doing here? Oh, it’s the flag pole. Meant to get rid of that.”
At a White House Staff Meeting, Obama said…
Can you guys hear me OK? I’m on the back nine and the reception ain’t so good out here. If the call drops just keep going without me and I’ll get Biden to fill me in when I get back to the Club H…. i mean White House.
“…okay, quick question…does this uniform make me look more Idi Amin, Papa Doc, or Benito Mussolini? Maybe I should just go for the Castro look in my second term?”
“then they will say, ‘never have so many, gone so broke, so quickly.'”
…Anyone?…Bueller?
“As soon as the computer boots up, we can get started. …Which key is the ‘any’ key?”
“Anyone else a little uncomfortable that a bunch of old guys got together and now gay marriage is now a part of our platform?”
“What number comes after a trillion and how can we spend that in the next six months?”
“Guys, we need to talk about the fridge in the break room. Joe told me someone stole his drink and I myself had a cocker spaniel in there this morning, which is now gone.”
“So I finally got around to seeing National Treasure yesterday. I don’t get what all the fuss was over that wrinkly old piece of paper. No one liked my writing that much and it’s so big you could use it for skeet-shooting.”
Barack Obama: “Did you guys know the Olympics have shooting sports?! I almost wet myself when that rifle went off! Guns are scary.”
Michell Obama: “[snicker] ‘almost’ [snicker]”
…I thought we could begin the meeting with a prayer…Ha, got ya!
“Now we’ll have folks going around the room collecting donations. Please be as generous as you can…wait, no…sorry, guys…force of habit.”
“Hey guys, long time no see. I just popped in to say I’m off on yet another vacation, so just continue doing what you usually do when I’m not here… You guys are great!” (gives thumbs up)
…let’s start the meeting with everyone taking turns standing up and saying a little about me.
At a White House Staff Meeting, Obama said… you gonna finish that dog?
At a White House Staff Meeting, Obama said…did anyone get harry house trained yet?
At a White House Staff Meeting, Obama said…I want everyone to say my name. Dang I like hearing my name.
…I’m the President! It’s up to me to make the difficult decisions. I say pepperoni, black olives, and extra cheese.
At a White House Staff Meeting, Obama said… All of you showed proper identification didn’t you?
At a White House staff meeting, Obama said…”If Iran goes after Israel, the president has to decide on the proper response. Where’s Valerie?”
At a White House staff meeting, Obama said, “We’ve got to strategize for after the election. What comes after a trillion?”
At a White house staff meeting, Obama said, “Michelle is missing her Nimbus 2000 broom…anyone seen it?”
At a White House staff meeting, Obama said, “Tell Rahm we’ll get back with him, then shut the door and pull the drapes. Joe just came up the back steps with the Chick-fil-a.”
…oh wait. We thought we had a quote from the staff meeting, but he’s already walking it back.
“What should we call Romney today? Oh, I know: ‘Felon.'”
“Mr. President, Mitt Romney plans to announce his VP pick by smartphone!”
“Nooooooooooooooooo!”
At a White House Staff Meeting, Obama said………….Michele’s in London. Let’s go out for burgers and fries. Shot gun!
At a White House Staff Meeting, Obama
said… Sunni on the left, Shiites on the right.
Fore!!
“Who are you people and where are my Czars?!”
Guys, I don’t have time for staff meetings when there’s fundraising to be done. If you want to keep meeting like this, it’s going to be $34,000 a plate.
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