Anonymiss of Nuking Politics picked her favorite punchlines to “Canada Plans to Claim the North Pole for Itself. They Will Also Claim…”
Click here to see if you made the cut.
By the way, Anonymiss is looking for volunteers to “guest-judge” on the Straight Line. If you’re interested (and even if you’re not, but want to help out a damsel in distress), go let her know in the comments to this post.
Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.
Why did President Obama shake hands with Cuban dictator Raul Castro?
Major League Baseball plans to change the rules so that catchers won’t be able to block the plate, and runners can’t target the catcher.
You know the deal. Runner on the base path heads for home. Outfielder throws to the plate. Catcher stands just down the third base line to grab the throw and tag the runner out. Collision at the plate.
That’s baseball.
Remember this?
July 14, 1970. Riverfront Stadium in Cincinnati. The All-Star game. The National League had tied the game at 4 with a three-run bottom of the ninth. Now, it’s the 12th inning. The Angels’ Clyde Wright is pitching in relief. He had thrown a no-hitter a week-and-a-half earlier and was in the middle of a 20+ win season. He got the first two batters, then the Reds’ Pete Rose and the Dodgers’ Billy Grabarkewitz hit back-to-back singles, putting runners on first and second. The Cubs’ Jim Hickman then singled to center, and the Royals’ Amos Otis fired the ball to the Indians’ Ray Fosse who was behind the plate. The ball was just to the third-base side of the plate, and Fosse was in position to take the throw. Rose hit Fosse, who wasn’t able to field the ball, and scored the winning run.
Those that were watching the game on TV that night — me included — will never forget it. That was a classic baseball moment.
Fosse was hurt on the play, but continued his career until 1979 when a different injury ended his career. He made it back to the All-Star game the next season, and won two World Series rings with the A’s in ’73 and ’74.
Rose was later banned from baseball for gambling.
But that was in the 1970s when players played that way. 1980s too. That’s when men — hard playing men, real men — played baseball.
Today, we have a commissioner who thought a tie All-Star game was a good idea, because it was late and people were tired. They had played 11 innings, after all.
No, it was no longer the 1970s when a 12th inning collision at the plate was how an All-Star game ended.
And now, the ladies that run Major League Baseball will make sure that never happens again.
I’m thinking they’ll start pitching underhand soon. And ban spikes on shoes. High heels will be okay.
The White House categorically denied a report that President Obama is planning a trip to Iran next year.
And I thought it was just Democrats up for reelection who didn’t want to be seen with him.
[High Praise! to Hope n’ Change Cartoons]
The president made a point of saying that support for a higher minimum wage (as well as an extension of “emergency” unemployment benefits) “benefit all of us, because we don’t know when we might have a run of bad luck.”
Only it’s not a run of bad luck that is forcing people into poorly-paying part time jobs. It’s a run of bad governance.
I hate reality cooking shows. They try to make it seem like heating ingredients & swearing a lot make meal preparation into some kind of skiing-down-a-mountainside extreme sport, but… it’s still just bringing food to serving temperature.
And really, what’s the point of watching someone cook if you can’t smell or taste what they’re cooking?
Nevertheless, I do find Gordon Ramsay mildly entertaining, and it’s fun to watch him go head to head with the Swedish Chef.
[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #152,899)
What I *really* want to see, though, is that concept show they tease at the end.
Despite the state’s financial woes, the California legislature gave itself a 5% pay raise.
Yup, they’ll have the fanciest deck chairs on the Titanic.
[High Praise! to Very Demotivational]
Ok, which is worse – Jar Jar or sparkling vampires?
Show your work
[High Praise! to The People’s Cube]
ObamaCare Website Glitch Causes VP Biden to Vanish
[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]
Shout out to Santa for being old and fat, only working one day a year, and still having a wife
— William Wanton (@williamwanton) December 10, 2013
mall Santas are just the body doubles he uses to thwart assassination
— chuuch (@ch000ch) December 10, 2013
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says "sorry we don't serve your type in here"
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) December 10, 2013
President Selfie.
That about sums up the past 5 years. Thanks, chief.
— Cuffé (@CuffyMeh) December 10, 2013
Getting angry at Twitter because people are focusing on something dumb is like getting angry at a dog for barking. #handshakegate
— daveweigel (@daveweigel) December 10, 2013
an oil painting of Obama shaking hands with great villains throughout history, and also some video game bosses mixed in there
— lawblob (@lawblob) December 10, 2013
Meticulous research I've done on @hallmarkchannel shows 78% of successful marriages begin w 2 strangers pretending to date over Christmas.
— Mary Katharine Ham (@mkhammer) December 11, 2013
Concerned for customer privacy, a Seattle restaurant asked a customer to leave because he was wearing Google Glass.
And – true story – they posted about it on Facebook.
Anonymiss of Nuking Politics picked her favorite punchlines to “A New Study Shows That People Who Ignore Texts Are Happier. Other Keys to Happiness…”
Click here to see if you made the cut.
If you did, you should probably email Keln about becoming a guest blogger there.
If you didn’t, Anonymiss has got another straight line for you to practice on.
Keep trying. No one likes a quitter.
Every single one of you has something that you’re good at. Every single one of you has something to offer. And you have a responsibility to yourself to discover what that is. That’s the opportunity an education can provide.
BARACK OBAMA, National Address to America’s Schoolchildren, Sep. 8, 2009
“Although mostly it’s about paychecks & benefits for incompetent, unfirable teachers.”
So, just wanted to give you all an update on what I’ve been doing as I feel like I’ve been blogging quite a bit less and haven’t been doing columns as often as I used to. Anyway, I just finished the manuscript for my next humor book for HarperCollins. It should come out next year — though I don’t know when yet — and will be available in print in addition to ebook. So it will be my first print book by an actual publisher… I’ll be like a real author. So look forward to that.
My big focus for a while, though, has been to finally break into fiction. Actually, you may have noticed a lot of my political commentary is just making stuff up, as that’s my favorite thing to do. Anyway, as I mentioned some time ago I wrote a full novel version of Superego and submitted that, and I still have good hopes of it getting a traditional publisher… it’s just moving slower than I thought. Being someone who is used to writing something in the morning and getting feedback by the afternoon, the publishing world moves quite a bit slower than I was prepared for. But hopefully I will get word on that soon. Also, I have a humorous short story which in the next month or two should get published.
And, I just finished a third draft on a new novel and am looking to get more opinions on it. Anyone interested in giving it a look? I’ve included the first chapter here to give a feel for it; it’s more lighthearted than Superego, though still not quite what I’d call a comedy. If you want to be a beta reader, just say so in the comments and make sure to fill in the email part of the comment form with an actual email, and I will get back to you. I’m looking for upstanding, trustworthy people, so no regular commenters (just kidding).
Anyway, here is the first chapter of my novel tentatively titled “The Clearing” as I haven’t thought of anything better yet: