“I am very interested in what this Trump fellow has to say about conservatism.” -liberal journalist wanting to make fun of conservatives

Invite Trump to CPAC. Disinvite his hair.

“I have drawn a red line, and to make sure the Ukraine government doesn’t step over it, I won’t tell them where it is.”

I don’t remember seeing a single gay marriage in The Jetsons. #WrongSideOfHistory

I’d love to see a poll of how many people who believe the science on man-made climate change think it could lead to more asteroid impacts.

Took that “Which Downton Abbey Character Are You Quiz” and got “Mr. Green.” Don’t watch the show; is he a duke?

Can never remember if it’s btfss or bftss because it’s unintelligible nonsense either way.

Oh. “What’s aaaaapp.” I just got it. That will be one billion dollars.

I’m a laugh a minute (next laugh in 37 seconds).

Whatever happened to Chuck Hagel? If I knew making him Secretary of Defense would disappear him, I’d have lobbied Bush to do it.

If you make a popular app with no ads, is your business strategy to get bought up by a larger company?

BREAKING: Absolutely everyone is using this app no one’s heard of.

First they came for the lawyers, and I didn’t say anything because I am not a lawyer. Now everything is awesome.

Afraid that during one of the Olympic events, a country will start chanting, “Poo-S-A!” and we’ll be so burned we can’t do anything about it.

I wish I was a hotshot pilot. Or some other sort of hotshot. What are the hotshot options other than “pilot”?

“We have nothing to fear except… FEAR ITSELF!” -Franklin Delano Roosevelt, a.k.a., the Scarecrow

Getting on a plane really early with two small kids and lots of luggage went about as well as could be expected, i.e., it was hellish.

I miss them having razor blade disposal slots in airplane bathrooms; now I end every flight with handfuls of dirty razor blades.

So making creme brûlée is more complicated than setting Jello pudding on fire?

Can everyone responsible for passing Obamacare apologize because it is really really offensive.

It would be easier to tell if people were criticizing the president only because he’s black if he weren’t also so aggressively incompetent.

Do you think the graffiti guys who can only do unintelligible scrawl get self-esteem issues versus those who can do the big blocky letters?

Never really got what was Piers Morgan’s qualification other than that he has a British accent.

American liberals have enough trouble understanding conservative. Seems extra foolish to then bring in a foreign liberal.

Would Jesus support using government force to make Christians bake cakes for gay weddings? Is that a serious question?

Shouldn’t the condemnation be focused on the people who thought, “Since you won’t make me a cake, I’ll use the government to destroy you!”?

If I go forward to hit the invisible block with the 1up mushroom in it, I won’t be able to go down the green pipe. #FirstWorldProblems