Going out on a limb here, but I'm guessing UN resolutions are of limited utility against people who sell little girls into slavery.

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) May 6, 2014

Shorter Hillary supporters: "Women should be treated as equals. Oh, and Monica Lewinsky should shut up and live her life in shame."

— RB (@RBPundit) May 6, 2014

how to be a dad: 1) learn to grill 2) hi, [adjective], i'm dad 3) father a child 4) #3 should be #1 5) like cars? ya do now

— sadvil (@crylenol) May 6, 2014

I am more or less okay with everything that doesn't impact me directly.

— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) May 6, 2014

"Are you sure?" – Wolverine's barber

— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) May 6, 2014

Scientists theorize that at the exact center of the Universe there's a fast food restaurant that's half Hardee's and half Carls Jr

— Froghammer (@froghammer) May 6, 2014

“911 what’s your emergency” Please “…” You didn’t say please “What’s your emergency please” Some guy’s threatening me because I’m “annoying”

— noog (@noog) May 6, 2014

I'm here to chew gum and take names, because my travel agent gave me a super weird itinerary.

— Jenny Jaffe (@jennyjaffe) May 6, 2014

By March, 2015, 80% of internet traffic will consist of claims someone is furious.

— Sean Tejaratchi (@ShittingtonUK) May 6, 2014