Main things ruining all of President Obama’s plans:
1. Individual liberty
2. The Constitution
3. Biden getting chocolate on everything

It was nice how Peter raised Tabitha from the dead, but couldn’t he have also gotten people to stop calling her “Dorcas.”

When the U.S. tries giving peace a chance, we get really restless within a couple weeks.

It’s cute when little kids say they want to be president one day and then draw out Iraq invasion plans in crayon.

I once was in a drunken brawl with Sarah Palin, but I didn’t mention it because she beat me up pretty bad.

Called me a “moose sympathizer” and suddenly she was this hurricane of fists and elbows.

I didn’t mention it because I was kinda embarrassed and I just thought it was a common occurrence when visiting Alaska.

Playing “Mark of the Ninja.” I was hoping the protagonist in it would be named Mark so the title would have a double meaning.

If you’re acting like it’s weird Sarah Palin suplexed a guy into a table, then you obviously haven’t been in very many drunken brawls.

“I should have said, ‘The jerk store called; they’re running out of you!'” I uttered hours later when I awoke in the burn ward.

Actually, I think if you made a gun’s trigger out of a strand of hair, it would be pretty much impossible to fire.

This gas pump needs to update its drawing of a cellphone. Whoops; took the picture with my cellphone.