Archive of entries posted on February 2017

Queen Marks 65 Years As British Monarch With 41-Gun Salute, Replacement Parrot

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LONDON (AP) – Beloved British Monarch Elizabeth II marked the 65th anniversary of her ascension to the throne with The King’s Troop Royal Horse Artillery taking part in a ceremony to fire a 41-gun salute. Afterward, the Queen spent the rest of the day haggling with a shopkeeper in an attempt to get back the money she recently spent purchasing a Norwegian Blue parrot.

“Her Royal Majesty was greatly disappointed by the service received at the pet shop,” said Buckingham Palace spokesman Dinsdale Piranha. “Apparently they’d merely nailed a dead bird to the perch and told the Queen that it was ‘resting.’ Obviously she didn’t believe a word of it, and tried explaining that the poor fellow had several medical conditions that even the NHS couldn’t fix, like being passed on, expired, gone to meet his maker, bereft of life, resting in peace, pushing up daisies, off the twig, kicked the bucket, shuffled off his mortal coil, run down the curtain, and joined the choir invisible. Yet the owner denied that it was an ex-parrot.”

Disappointed, but determined to remain upbeat, Queen Elizabeth sought to comfort herself with some cheesy comestibles, but was again let down.

“Not only was the Camembert very runny, the cat had eaten it,” said Piranha. “In fact, the Queen couldn’t talk Mr. Wensleydale into selling her ANY cheese. She considered shooting him, but decided against it as being a senseless waste of human life. Instead, she considered the possibility that there was a miscommunication on her part.”

“Even as we speak, her driver is taking her across town to enroll in an Argument Clinic, and possibly Being Hit on the Head Lessons to keep that pesky crown from falling off.”

On the Decommissioning of the USS Enterprise (CVN 65)

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I’ve had a couple people (Jimmy and James) bring to my attention that the aircraft carrier USS Enterprise (CVN 65) was decommissioned on February 3rd, 2017.

While I was attending Naval Nuclear Power School in 1987 (then located in Orlando, FL), I was given the opportunity to put in my request for what ship I wanted to go to when I completed my prototype training in about 7 months. Someone said the Enterprise would be going in for a refueling soon, so if you asked for it, you would get it.

I’d been watching Star Trek since I was 5. Of course I wanted the Enterprise.

So I asked for it. And I got it.

Reported aboard in October of ’87. Stepped off her for the last time in November of ’91

Living in a floating iron box is mostly a series of bad smells and lifestyle inconveniences. I’m an honest man, so I’ll say that any pleasant memories I had of the experience are probably corrupted by time and nostalgia.

Except…

I can never forget the color of the Pacific Ocean when it’s 1000 miles to the nearest land, not counting the muddy bottom that’s 3 miles below your feet.

It’s an inky indigo color. Nearly black, but unquestionably a shade of blue. I wish I could show it to you, but film (digital or analog) can never capture it. Never do it justice.

That color seeps into your soul. You can’t unsee it. It’s the reason some men chose to spend their lives sailing on wooden ships.

It haunts you forever, and sometimes it calls to you in whispers.

I can’t go back again. The military is a young man’s calling. But I’ll always be grateful to the Enterprise for taking the naive Wisconsin boy I was and turning him into the man of discipline and honor I am today.

She will be missed.

And bless CVN-80 for carrying on her good name.