Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States, where – week by week – I’ll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting, yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.

This week, it’s time to shakes the snakes out of your hiking boots as we traipse the Rocky Mountains of Colorado, so let’s get started…

• Colorado is a large state in the West-central US that has spent the last century battling Wyoming for the coveted title of “Most Rectangular State”.
• Although people from Colorado have no distinctive accent, they can still be easily recognized by the fact that, when they say “Coors”, they don’t grimace.
• The state of Colorado has an average elevation of 7000 feet above sea level, which, technically, makes its citizens space aliens.
• The most common cause of death in Colorado is being struck by low-flying satellites.
• Due to its high altitude, water in Colorado boils at a much lower temperature than at sea level, which is why joggers there frequently evaporate into clouds of steam.
• Despite the impression given by a certain animated TV show, South Park, Colorado is NOT actually a real city. If you don’t believe me, you can [CENSORED] my [CENSORED] you [CENSORED].
• Skiing in Aspen, Colorado is both a popular tourist attraction and an effective way to kill a Kennedy without wasting a perfectly good bullet.
• Colorado hopes to use the sport of Whitewater Rafting to take out a Baldwin sometime in the next year or so.
• The state motto of Colorado is “Wanna buy a slightly used life-jacket for cheap?”
• The cheeseburger was invented in Denver in 1935, which is why Michael Moore bows down in the direction of the city five times a day.
• Annoyed by the millions of misdirected Valentines that arrive at their post office every year, the citizens of Loveland, Colorado will soon be holding a referendum to change the city’s name. Options include Bitterdivorceland, PMSington, and Hillaryville.
• Denver is home to the world’s largest rodeo. While it’s in progress, the city has nearly as many men dressed in leather chaps as San Francisco.
• This does NOT make them gay, although they ARE flattered, and possibly a little curious.
• There are over 200 parks in the city of Denver, which are filled with hiking trails, petting zoos, and angry tourists whose flights out of the city were canceled due to sudden snowstorms.
• Zebulon Pike, of Pike’s Peak fame, was never actually on top of the object which bears his name, but he DID bring it to the nation’s attention by mentioning it frequently. Not unlike Kim Kardashian constantly reminding us that she’s really, really famous for… something.
• Colorado is the most dangerous state through which to fly and airplane, due to the risk of being hit by cattle that accidentally fall off moutainsides while grazing.
• The city of Dove Creek, Colorado is the “Pinto Bean Capital of the World”. Coincidentally, the nearby city of Cortez is the “Air Freshener Capital of the World”.
• Mesa Verde, Colorado is home to an abandoned Indian city made up of buildings carved directly into the cliffs. No one knows exactly what happened to the residents, although they may have been eaten by the Donner Party.
• Colorado became the 38th state on August 1st, 1876, a fact celebrated by no one at the time, since everybody was still too hung over from celebrating America’s Centennial.
• Famous horror movie actor Lon Chaney was born in Colorado Springs. He moved to Hollywood in 1902 after a mob of angry villagers chased him out of the state.
• The state insect of Colorado is the tick, which is highly prized by locals because telling a girl that you want to check her for ticks is a great excuse for getting her clothes off.
• The Square Dance was named Colorado’s state dance in 1992, narrowly beating out the Achy-Breaky and the Dougie.
• Colorado’s state dinosaur is the stegosaurus, which has been extinct since 1997, when the last one died from being hit by a Kennedy while skiing in Aspen.

That wraps up the Colorado edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we’ll be getting punched in the face by the natives for pronouncing the second “c” in Connecticut.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go bow down towards Denver… mmmm… cheeseburgers…

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