WASHINGTON (AP) – You see them every day in DC: women wearing State-of-the-Union-white pantsuits, clutching gold-embossed, leather-covered copies of the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change report (or “ipsy”, to the initiates). They stroll the boulevards and avenues – although only in the parts of town where the homeless don’t use the Starbucks facilities – walking in pairs, looking for the well-dressed but unenlightened who have yet to hear the “good news”.

Holly Finnegan, one of the “white walkers,” as they’re sometimes called, has been searching for – and occasionally finding – a spiritual home ever since achieving environmental enlightenment during a 3-day Buddhism and incense binge in college.

“It just came to me, and I knew it was all true,” said Finnegan, “that the earth is all that matters, and she’s alive, but people are trying to kill her.”

Holly’s been around. In the 70’s, it was Paul Ehrlich’s Congregation of Overpopulation. As recently as 2008, she was still a follower of heat-trutherAl Gore, having joined his Warmon Church some time prior. But none of these lasted. All had predicted the end of the world through mankind’s malfeasance. All of them had been wrong. All of them had disappointed her.

But in 2018, she heard Alexandria speak, and she knew she’d found home.

“She just seemed so wise and confident,” said Finnegan. “Boldly declaring that we only have 12 years left. I knew it had to be true, because why else would she come right out and give a specific number? She’s terrified of numbers!”

As she waits for the inevitable carbon-choked apocalypse to destroy the planet she loves, she still struggles mightily against the inevitable, doing her tiny part to spread the word of hope.

Knocking on doors with her companion, she gives away free copies of Alexandria’s Witness magazines like “The Sunpower” and “Woke!”, hoping to stir the benighted to faith, and persuade them to join the only church with the truth.

In answer to a common question, Finnegan said the magazines were free.

“Well, paid for by other people’s money, anyway. Eventually we hope to take that money by force. Not just for magazines, I mean for everything. Like the planet and stuff. We could save it in 12 years if we could just make people give us enough of their money. Praise Alexandria!”

Psychologist and recognized international cult expert Steve Eichel said Holly’s behavior is typical of the Witnesses, and cautioned people against getting involved.

“If you see a pair of Alexandria’s Witnesses approaching, cover your wallet and run away,” said Eichel. “The only people in white you should trust are new brides and ice cream men.”

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