Terror for Dummies

Cracked has a list of the most embarrassing failures in terrorism. That reminds me of how after 9/11 it felt like a certainty that we’d have more attacks in America. If someone didn’t care whether he lived or died, it seems so easy to kill a bunch of people in this country. There are so many crowded places you can go with no one checking anyone for weapons. It ends up terrorists are even dumber than we thought, though… or maybe Bush’s little laugh made them all crazy stupid just like it did liberals.

Anyway, if your god really wanted you to blow up infidels and take over the world by force, you’d think he’d use his god powers to make his followers not the biggest losers in the world. Not questioning Allah’s methods; I’m just saying.

18 Comments

  1. I read that recently. I especially liked the guy who’s plans all revolved around his knowledge of how to make any kind of bomb at all – which was none – and that he was the mastermind of his li’l ring of terror!
    It was almost like reading about the minutes from a union meeting.

  2. When will they make a list of the most successful terrorist acts? Because, certainly the Paulson/Bernanke Bailout attack will go down in history as the greatest act of terrorism ever committed against the United States. Yet, they still walk free.

  3. Acme is out of business because Wyle Coyote hired one of those merciless type lawyers….you know….the kind who would sue his own widowed grandmother for her last social security check and litigated them back to the stone age.

  4. you’d think he’d use his god powers to make his followers not the biggest losers in the world.

    I think it’s self-selecting.
    Think about it, if the Pope wanted you to blow up a yourself and a bunch of Lutheran babies, wouldn’t you at least look into becoming a Unitarian?

  5. That’s what happens when you worship a 3rd rate god.

    Reminds me of the account of Elijah and the priests of Baal in the Old Testament (1 Kings chapter 18). My favorite part is when Elijah, after hours of the priests beseeching their god, says to the them, “Cry aloud: for he is a god; either he is talking, or he is pursuing, or he is in a journey, or peradventure he sleepeth, and must be awaked.”

    I love it. Perhaps he sleepeth………………. that Elijah, what a card.

    Of course after this he and God get down to business and the Lord consumed the sacrifice, the soaked wood, the water in the little moat around the altar, the stones making up the altar and even some of the bystanders.

    Now that’s what I call a GOD!

  6. Veeshir, those are my first and middle names.

    Seanmahair, I like this translation of that verse, too …

    CEV I Kings 18:27 At noon, Elijah began making fun of them. “Pray louder!” he said. “Baal must be a god. Maybe he’s day-dreaming or using the toilet or traveling somewhere. Or maybe he’s asleep, and you have to wake him up.” …

    The LORD is God.

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  8. October 22, 2003
    When God Attacks
    “God has gone a total rampage against terrorists,” the anchorwoman reported. “His first action was to lift the entire nation of Syria and then beat Saudi Arabia with it. We go now to a videotaped statement from Osama bin Laden.”
    “I thought Allah was on our side,” said a frightened Osama, “but He’s totally killing us all! He’s even worse than America and the Joooos!” Osama looked behind him. “Oh [bleep]! Here He comes!”

    – Frank J. Fleming, The Chronicles of Dubya.

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