(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
Some folks are upset that terrorist scumbag Zacarias Moussaoui didn’t get the death penalty.
Personally, I don’t think he deserved death. I mean, he didn’t actually DO anything, right? As the great philosopher Sideshow Bob once said, “Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel prize for attempted chemistry?”
Me, I think Moussaoui should become America’s new symbol of Justice.
By which I mean he should be blindfolded, have a sword and scales placed in his outstretched hands, be encased in concrete, and placed in front of the US District Court in Alexandria Virginia.
The pigeons will take care of the rest.

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
Recently rumors have surfaced that Dan Rather is contemplating quitting CBS and taking up blogging.
Now there’s no mystery regarding WHAT he’d blog about – his cat, his colon, how much it sucks to be living in his daughter’s basement – after all, he’s lost without his teleprompter.
The only question is what he would call his blog. I speculate thusly on the possibilities:

• Rather Ironic, Isn’t It?
• Speaking Half-Truths to Power
• Drink the TANG
• CBS Evening KOS
• I Am NOT Making This Up!
• Here’s the Frequency, Now Stop Calling Me Kenneth!
• Delusions By Dan
• Democratic Underwear
• Funny Like Colbert, Except Not On TV
• I’m STILL Not Wearing Pants When I Sit Behind My Desk
• Now Wi^th Superscripts!
• Take A Memo
• Rather’s Blathers
• Please Stop Fact-Checking My Ass
• The Ratherington Post
• How Much Is That Selectric In the Window?
• 43 Years At CBS and Not Even a Freakin’ Gold Watch to Show For It – Cheap, Back-Stabbing Bastards!
• Oh Yeah? Well I Wouldn’t Come Back Now If You Got Down On Your Hands and Knees and BEGGED Me!… Although I Suppose It Wouldn’t Hurt To Try…
• D!scount V1agra! – The GoogleBait Blog
• Vast Mainstream Wing Conspiracy
• Courage – The Blog
• Authenticated Signatures, Journalistic Integrity and Other Oxymorons
• It’s NOT Bush’s Fault (Just Kidding)
• Crouching Liar, Hidden Agenda

He might also call it IMAOpodcast.com, since heaven knows THAT one’s not being used.
Any other possibilities?

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
I was deeply disappointed to hear that Tony Snow got the job as White House Press Secretary. I can’t believe that President Bush overlooked all the many other talented Tonys out there who would’ve made better picks:

Tony Hawk – Need to dodge a tough question? Just jump the skateboard onto the podium and do a Figure 4 Calf Wrap Flamingo Pretzel Plant Brain Surgeon with a Mute Grab 900 into the press pit. Reporters will be too dazzled, distracted, and/or wounded to ask a follow-up.
Fat Tony D’Amico – Didn’t see nothin’, and will have the offended reporter quietly piano-wired when no-one’s looking. If questioned, will respond “What’s a moider?”
Tony Bennett – Political spin is always more convincing when sung to the tune of “Fly Me to the Moon”.
Tony Blair – “I’d love to answer that question, but it’s tea time, so sod off!
Dr. Phat Tony – Will brutally taser any MSM joker who steps out of line.
Tony Dow – He probably wouldn’t be good at dodging questions, but it’d be funny to hear the reporters start all their questions with “Gee, Wally…”
Tony Randall – Tough question? He’ll just fake a sinus attack.
Tony the Tiger – Has an inarguable, two-word answer to any question regarding whether Bush’s policies will be good for America.
Tony Stewart – “I can’t hear your stupid question over the sound of my engine!”
Tony Danza – The only question he’ll get is “Did you every ‘Danza slap’ Alyssa Milano?”

It’d also be cool to have Anthony Hopkins eat the reporters’ livers, but he’s not technically a “Tony”.
Any Tonys I missed?

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
Lacking any fresh mud with which to smear the Bush administration, the “unbiased” media is re-hashing old accusations of President Bush lying about WMD.
Ok, so maybe those two trailers they found in May of ’03 weren’t “mobile biological weapons labs”, but I have a hard time believing the claims that they were used to “produce hydrogen for weather balloons”. Why would Iraq need weather balloons? Does the weather report ever change over there?
“Today will be incredibly freakin’ hot with a [random number] percent chance of sandstorms. After sunset, your camel will freeze his hump off”.
Anyway, here are my half-baked lunatic theories on what those trailers were ACTUALLY used for:

• Mobile helium production facilities – Those goofy terrorists just love inhaling balloon gas and yelling “Durka! Durka! Jihad! Jihad!” in a funny Mickey Mouse voice.
• Coyote trailers – Just in case any Mexicans felt like sneaking across the border into Iraq to steal jobs from hard-working Islamofascists.
• Super secret Death Star Control Platform – SHHHHH! Secret! You no tell!
• Scott McClellan’s retirement home – Needed something big enough so that his chubby ass wouldn’t get stuck in the doorway.
• It’s where Michelle Malkin goes to strangle kittens with piano wire and/or mince them into brownies – Think of it as Camp David for MegaBloggers.
• It’s where Glenn Reynolds goes to… aw, YOU know…
• Stolen oil storage facility – Since they only found 2 of them, President Bush wasn’t able to steal NEARLY as much oil as originally planned.
• He was warned about this by numerous retired generals, but did he listen? NO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!
• Originally designed as a Stupid Hippy Human Shield Transportation Device – Driven only once. Still can’t get the smell out.
• Production facilities for Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream – Now you know where their delicious “Caramel Camel” and “Go Pound Sandies” flavors come from.

I was going to mention that they were also on Rumsfeld’s “Things That Need A Good Nukin'” list, but – let’s be honest – what isn’t?

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
In their eagerness to shout “Dismal failure!” about the war, the Reuters news service blindly swallowed claims by Iraqi terrorists that they had video footage of them capturing a downed helicopter.
Well, they DID have footage – unfortunately the time stamp on it was March 19, 2000, and it was probably of a helicopter crash in Afghanistan.
So I guess I shouldn’t have been TOO surprised over their coverage of the latest criticisms of Donald Rumsfeld (in the extended entry)…

Continue reading ‘Reuters Maintains Journalistic Standards’ »

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
During a press conference today, Congresswoman Cynthia McKinney (D – Georgia) reiterated her support for the Capitol Hill Police.
“Those CHP are my favorite people ever,” McKinney said, “I have all 6 seasons on DVD.”
“Plus,” she added, “you have to admit – Ponch has the dreamiest smile.”
At this point Rep. McKinney was pelted with a barrage of rotten vegetables, leaving her unable to comment on whether she also supports Wilmer Valderrama‘s assumption of Erik Estrada’s role in the movie scheduled for release in 2008.

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
A recent DC anti-war protest turned out some disappointing numbers for the screeching loony left, and I can’t help thinking that they could REALLY improve their attendance figures if they made the events just a LITTLE more red-stater friendly. After all, liberals ARE about being open-minded & non-judgmental, right?
Since I consider myself a fairly typical warmongering, right-wing, gun nut, here’s what they could do to get ME to show up to one of their little kook-keggers:

• More SUV parking
• More crazy naked PETA chicks [PG13]!
• I’d really enjoy a Dick Cheney hunter safety course, because every time I try to shoot a lawyer, I end up hitting a quail in the face.
• Sell “Ann Coulter Gone Wild!” DVD’s
• Schedule the protest on a weekend so that the gainfully employed can attend.
• Ergonomic comfort-gel Sof-Grip protest sign-handles (“Just say ‘NO’ to splinters!”)
• Free John Kerry silhouette shooting targets (“10 points for the important-looking hair!”)
• Free Korans – I’ve got a wobbly table with a short leg at home.
• Free shampoo – which I’ll gladly provide myself if they promise to use it. Seriously – who’s the lunatic who told white people they could wear dreadlocks?
• Free Palestine – I always see booths offering it, but when I get there, they never have any. I wonder if it’s like funnel cake?

Actually, I’d gladly attend one of those things – and even wave around a “No Blood For Oil!” sign – if they’d just do one simple thing:
* Ban braless grandmothers.
Anyway, what would get YOU to go to a anti-war protest rally?

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
The new Iraqi Parliament that was elected last December has finally been sworn in, but – due to an egregious mix-up at the ballot box – it turned out that all those elected were actually American Democrats.
Vowing to “do for Iraq what Bushitler won’t let us do for America”, the new Parliament promised to do the following during its first 100 days:

• Outlaw use of the word “terrorist” – replace it with “person of murder”.
• No more death penalty. Except for those who refer to a person of murder as a “terrorist”
• Also outlawed will be the phrase “camel jockey”, unless it’s used at an actual camel race.
• Or by a rap artist.
• It will be illegal to bow toward Mecca at a public school.
• Having a non-denominational “moment of bending” isn’t acceptable either.
• No one will be allowed to draw cartoons of Jesus, Buddha, or Moses. However, the Iraqi government WILL fund artworks such as the urine-soaked holy book, “Whiz Koran”.
• No cartoons of Cindy Sheehan, either, because her son died for George Bush’s sins.
• BUUUUUUUUUUUSH! shakes fist at sky
• Floor sweeping will be forbidden in all bars and restaurants, due to the hazards of “secondhand dirt”.
• Meanwhile, the tax on brooms will be raised another 50 cents.
• No one will be allowed to own a gun except for police and persons of murder.
• Camel spiders will now be considered an endangered species, and no oil drilling will be allowed in their habitats.
• Unless the oil is being sold to France, Germany, Russia, or China.
• All camels will be required to get an average of 28 miles per gallon of water.
• 38 for the economy 1-hump models
• Witnesses in court trials have to swear to tell the truth while placing their hand on a copy of “Heather Has Two Mommies“.
• All of Saddam’s old presidential Palaces will be re-named “The Robert C. Byrd Memorial Palace”, followed by a Roman numeral.
• And stop nagging Senator Byrd to apologize for his Klan membership! You people are like a pitbull on a mailman’s leg with that!
• All sand dunes will be made wheelchair accessible.
• The new Iraqi flag will be an upside down American flag with a picture of Michael Moore’s butt on it.
• Women will have equal rights. To apply for these rights, they should send a resume to intern@cigarsinparliament.com.

Frankly, I’d be ok with all of these, as long as they make “Democracy! Whiskey! Sexy!” the new Iraqi National anthem. (explanatory reference)

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
[Caution – the second to last link in this post is rated NC17]
Hollywood asshats like George Clooney are full of bad advice when it comes to hunting down terrorists – usually it boils down to something like “Just ignore them and they’ll go away… Unless they don’t… in which case it’s Bush’s fault for not connecting the dots.”
Now, I’m sure President Bush isn’t actually listening to George Clooney, but he’s getting bad advice from SOMEWHERE, because the terrorist body count is still under seven figures, there are no internment camps for either Muslims OR hippies, and Michael Moore has yet to be thrown into a crocodile pit.
As a courtesy to our Commander-in-Chief, I assembled a focus group to give advice on how to win the War on Terror. The executive summary follows:

Frank J. – “Nuke the moon.”
Darth Vader – “Strangle annoying underlings to maintain discipline in the ranks. There’s no reason why that jellyfish Colin Powell should’ve left the State Department alive.”
Dick Cheney – “Aim for the face.”
Donald Rumsfeld – “Hey! Vader stole my advice!”
Ann Coulter – “Invade their countries, kill their leaders, and convert them to Christianity.”
Gandalf – “More Hobbits”
Michael Jackson – “Give the terrorists a little Jesus Juice, and they’ll be ripe for the picking.”
Jeffrey Dahmer – “Beat ’em with a mallet for a while, otherwise they’ll be too tough and stringy.”
Laura Roslin – “Throw ’em out the airlock.”
Harry Potter – “I’m a pansy. Let Hermione handle it.”
C3P0 – “I suggest a new strategy. Let the Wookie win.”
Barney the Dinosaur – “Lots of hugs!… and explosives!”
John Cleese – “Wait… are these terrorists armed with bananas or raspberries?”
Satan – “Just get the Arabs high-speed internet access. They’ll be too busy Boobling for pr0n to kill anybody… By the way, has anyone seen my autographed copy of ‘An Army of Davids’?”

If anyone else has conducted a focus group recently, feel free to share excerpts from your executive summaries in the comments.

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
First, the Mainstream Media caves in by being too cowardly to print the Muhammed cartoons.
Could the fast food industry be next?

I suppose having Whoppers made out of camel meat would be an improvement, though…

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
According to this story, a slain soldier’s widow successfully sued a guy who was giving money to Al Qaeda, which means that – thanks to one of the few lawyers not shot by Dick Cheney – the War on Terror is $102 million dollars closer to being over.
It occurs to me there’s another underutilized American resource that could be put to work fighting Islamofascism – Pakistani cab drivers!
Picture this:

TERRORIST: Take me to government building where I can murder innocent people! ULULULULULULU!
PCD: I cannot please to be speaking your English! I get you hotel? Airport? Cocaine? Hookers? Durka! Durka!
TERRORIST: Jihad! Jihad!
PCD: Look Mohammed, I only talk that way to screw with the Yuppies. I don’t actually speak your wacky Arab monkey-jabber durka-durka crap! Either take the broads & coke or get the hell out of my cab!
TERRORIST: Fine! I’ll get someone else to take me! [gets out, slams door]
PCD: The only place you’re going is between the treads of my Goodyear All-Season radials, you terrorist bastard! [sound of squealing tires]
TERRORIST: AIEEEEEE! squish!
PCD: USA! USA! USA!

God bless our patriotic geographically-imported transportation engineers.

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
Wandering about the greeting card aisle this last Valentine’s Day, I was struck by the fact that there seems to be a card for almost every occasion.
Except the War on Terror.
It occurs to me that Hallmark could make a killing if they expanded their offerings a bit, for example:

The Osama Fatwa Card:
Infidels! You make me mad!
Praising Allah’s not so bad.
You must do things Islam’s way,
Listen now to what I say.
Pray five times toward Mecca town
Women covered with a gown
No more pork and no free speech
No bikinis on the beach
Obey me lest I chop your head
Blow you up, and make you dead.
I return to my cave now after that.
To dine upon this tasty rat.
YUM!
Love,
Osama

If nothing else, it’d save the terrorists the trouble of making all those badly-dubbed Osama podcasts.

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
Now that Hamas has been elected to rule the Palestinian Authority, they’ve outlined their agenda for the first 100 days of their administration:

• Fire guns into the air while shouting “ULULULULULULU!”
• Bury people who died from falling-bullet wounds. Blame deaths on JOOOOOOS!
• Throw rocks at JOOOOOOS! in retaliation.
• Realize too late how stupid it is to bring a rock to a gunfight.
• Attempt to be superior to all other Arab nations by raising an army that can’t be beaten by a troop of Israeli Girl Scouts.
• Double the current Palestinian Authority spending on education programs by declaring that suicide bomber vests will now be considered “books”.
• Scale back plans to push the JOOOOOOS! into the sea, by practicing on a pile of tiny pebbles.
• Get asses kicked by a pile of tiny Jewish pebbles.
• Give up attacking Israel and start with something easier to conquer, like France.
• Which will then become known as “Paristine”.
• Attend formal dinner with Kim Jong Il, in celebration of the fact that he now pronounces the country’s name correctly.
• Adopt new national motto of “Palestine – all the violent terrorist thuggery of other Arab nations, but without all the oil.”
• Fly the new Palestinian flag (see extended entry)…

Continue reading ‘Hamas: The First 100 Days’ »