(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
So Ted Kennedy wrote a children’s book called “My Senator And Me: A Dog’s Eye View Of Washington, D.C.”:

The gimmick of this book is that it’s written from the perspective of his Portuguese Water Dog, whose name is Amigo’s Seventh Wave, but who (seriously) goes by the nickname “Splash”.
Interestingly, Splash is also the author of “My Senator Didn’t See Me: A Dog’s Earful of Things I Overheard Ted Say”, notable for such Ted quotes as:

“PPPPFFFFFTTTT! Who the F%$@ put WATER in my Evian bottle!”
“No, I just accidentally washed my cap in hot water. My head is NOT getting bigger.”
“I did NOT call you “Alioto” because I’m drunk, I called you Alioto because… oh, wait… you’re right… nevermind.”
“Can we hurry this up? I got a limo full of booze, broads, & bribes double-parked outside.”
“If you don’t vote for this bill, I will PERSONALLY drive each and every one of you home!”

Also be on the lookout for Splash’s new book, “My Senator And Me and Mary Jo: A Dog’s Eye View of Chappaquiddick”. Picture from the back of the dust jacket in the extended entry…

Continue reading ‘The Other Kennedy Book’ »

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
While recoiling in horror at such anti-American/pro-terrorist Hollywood offerings as Syriana – a movie about evil US oil companies causing innocent Muslims to become terrorists – and Munich – a movie about innocent terrorists victimized by bloodthirsty Israelis, I found out that Michael Moore has been tapped to do another re-make of King Kong.
Movie poster in the extended entry…

Continue reading ‘More Hollywood Propaganda’ »

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
Everyone knows that if you’re facing an almost-certain death sentence, the best way to avoid it is by writing a children’s book to soften your image, just like Stanley “Tookie” Williams did.
Ok, that’s a bad example.
But still, a tome for the wee ones IS the only ticket to freedom for a vicious killer. Without one, he’s guaranteed a ride in Old Sparky. Just look at what happened to O.J.
Ok, that wasn’t a good example either.
The point is that you can soon expect to hear about what a wonderful guy Saddam is once his bibliography hits the New York Times.
What’s that? You didn’t know Saddam wrote children’s books?
Of course he did. Here’s just a small sampling of his works:

• The Berenstain Bears Big Book of Burkhas
• Tyranny for Tots
• Curious George Invades Iraq
• One Fish, Two Fish, Dead Fish, JOOOOOOO! Fish
• Mommy Bakes Yellowcake
• Uday and Qusay Take a Bullet
• I Can Detonate My Own Vest!
• Horton Hears a Wahabbi
• Hide and Seek, Marco Polo, and Blind Man’s Bluff: The Rainy Day Book of Fun U.N. Games
• Amelia Bedelia Beheads a Hostage
• Hassan Potter and the Half-Blood Infidel
• Little Camel Fluffy Toes and the Murderous Americans
• Are You There, Allah? It’s Me, Fatima
• Little House on the Sand Dune
• My First Honor Killing
• Charlie and the Chemical Weapons Factory
• “Is That An IED?”: An Explodey the Mouse Story
• The Tyrant, The Weasels, and the Warmonger
• The Poky Little Puppy and Other Unclean Animals
• Green Eggs and Hamas

If you know of any more of Saddam’s books, leave the titles in the comments.
Don’t call me with them, though. Those cowards at the NSA might be listening in.

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
Rummy says that the US plans on pulling 7000 combat troops out of Iraq in 2006. Mostly because Iraqi security forces will be trained up enough to do most of the terrorist-shootin’ themselves by that time. Hard to believe it’s taking them this long to improve their marksmanship, but apparently Iraqis have worse aim than Ted Kennedy approaching a bridge, so we just have to make do with what we’ve got.
Meanwhile, we’ll have 7000 troops with nothing to kill, so we’ll need to find something else for them to do until Iran mouths off one time too many.
Here are my suggestions:

• Send them to rescue those seven stranded castaways. It’s been 41 years already. Let’s bring ’em home.
• Rub salve on Frank J’s rash.
• Invade France – one can hold the gun while the other 6999 collect white flags from all the trembling surrender monkeys.
• Since Democrats are all pissed off about wiretapping terrorists, we’ll just have the soldiers stand next to the terrorists and eavesdrop, instead.
• Use them to re-connect that loose wire on your computer’s motherboard.
• No, wait… that’s solders. Nevermind.
• After the ’06 elections, the DNC is gonna need some logistical support to deliver their extra supplies of special “weeping hankies”.
• Have them walk around New York City and gut-punch every lazy, overpaid Transport Workers Union bastard that went on strike.
• Rebuild the levees in New Orleans.
• Preferably with the bodies of the lazy, overpaid Transport Workers Union bastards that went on strike.
• Get ’em all likkered up & suggest that it might be fun to try pushing the UN Building into the East River… “it’ll be sorta like cow tipping!”
• Give them each a pointy stick and have them poke at Howard Dean to see if they can get him to make that funny sound again.
• Give them a Holocaust Cloak and a wheelbarrow and have them storm the castle.

Or maybe we could just buy ’em a beer & send ’em home to spend time with their families.
AFTER they finish with Howard Dean.

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
Showing less self-control than a Democratic Underground troll hopped up on Red Bull and commenting at Free Republic, the President of Iran has recently made foolish statements such as “Israel should be wiped off the map”, “the Holocaust never happened”, and “developing a nuclear weapons program within flying distance of the Israeli Air Force is perfectly sensible”.
To regain his credibility as “sane” in international diplomatic circles, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad decided to publish a pamphlet of interesting facts about Iran. Even though I can’t read the drunken-monkey-fingerpainting that passes for their written language, I’m sure that my translation is at least as accurate as any given CBS news report.

• Iran is a large, Middle Eastern country covering 600,000 square miles of territory just east of Iraq that REALLY needs to get beat up and have its oil stolen.
• Iran was originally settled by a busload of people who got lost on their way to a 7-11 Owners’ Convention.
• Iran is ruled by the “Council of Guardians” who strictly enforce the Koran’s edicts all across the land. Living in Iran is like the Muslim version of living at Ned Flanders’ house.
• I guess that would make the US troops in Iraq like Homer Simpson.
• Mmmm… infidelicious…
• The Iran-Iraq border is still littered with land mines from the Iran-Iraq war. If you need to sneak across the border, bring a Mexican to show you how to do it right.
• Before the founding of the Muslim empire in the region in 700 AD, there used to be two other countries between Iran and Iraq – namely Irao and Irap.
• For 8 years, Iran battled Iraq to a standstill, a feat that the Americans were unable to duplicate for almost an entire day during the Gulf War.
• If something smells like the back end of a camel, it could be the front end of an Iranian.
• Although some people – mostly filthy hippies – say that Iran is no threat to us, I still find it suspicious that their initials stand for Islamic Radicals Aren’t Nice.
• Soon to stand for Idiots Receive American Nuking.
• In a battle between Iraq and Aquaman, Aquaman would raise an army of jellyfish and… right… who am I kidding? The Iranians would chop him into lutefisk before he even hit the beach.
• Iran’s national symbol is:
  
  I have NO idea… a pole-dancing penguin wearing a Mario moustache, maybe?

Hopefully this information will encourage understanding and dialogue between our two nations, ushering in an era of peace that will last for centuries or until we finish stealing their oil.

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
The Patriot Act is coming up for renewal, and although it already contains many helpful tools for assisting law enforcement personnel – like the right to root around in your sock drawer without a warrant to see if you have a copy of “Bouncy Burkha Bondage Babes” magazine (as all terrorists do) – the law is lacking in civilian education programs.
Let’s face it. Cops can’t be everywhere (unless you’re making an illegal U-turn), so it’s important that EVERYONE knows how to spot a terrorist. Especially children, since they have keen eyes and big, tattling mouths. That’s why I think the Patriot Act should include funding for printing up a fun and colorful – yet instructive – pamphlet to help people practice spotting Islamofascist deviltry.
In the extended entry, you’ll find a sample page from “Where’s Osama?”…

Continue reading ‘Just One Little Tweak’ »

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
Have you noticed lately that the MSM isn’t doing diddly as far as reporting any good news from Iraq?
Me too.
So, given that there IS actually good news to be reported (as the weekly CentCom newsletter so amply demonstrates) I thought I’d share what I knew.
Interspersed – just for fun – with how I imagine your standard Liberal Media terrorist-coddling lapdogs would title the story.
Feel free to play along, if you’d like.

1. Completion of police stations in Babil, Basrah, Erbil, Kirkuk, Ninewa, and Salah ad Din Provinces, and a holding facility in Al Muthanna Province will provide approximately 250,000 people a safer environment and greater security as police operate from these improved facilities.
   250,000 THREATENED WITH ARREST AND DETENTION IN IRAQ! WHO WILL BE BUSH’S NEXT VICTIM?
2. The completion of renovations to 12 schools in Baghdad, Basrah, and Al Anbar Provinces will equal a better learning environment and brighter future for over 7,200 Iraqi schoolchildren and 50 teachers.
   US PROPAGANDA JUGGERNAUT ROLLS OVER IRAQI CHILDREN!
3. Over 29 km of new roads between Qadisiyah Province and Wassit Province will provide a safer travel route for farming villages to transport their crops to the market and reaching larger towns such as Baghdad.
   BUSH FAILURE MAKES IT EASIER FOR ROADSIDE BOMBERS TO STRIKE!
4. 500,000 people annually will benefit from six renovated railroad station in Qadisiyah Province will provide protection from the environment while the passengers wait to board the train and for the stationmaster to schedule freight movements.
   BUSH FORCES IRAQIS INTO OVERCROWDED TRAINS: EASY TARGETS FOR TERRORISTS INSURGENTS FREEDOM-FIGHTERS!
5. 150,000 residents between Baghdad, Ninewa, and Wassit Province now enjoy more reliable electricity as their 15 km of electrical power feeder were installed to local distribution substations.
   IS BUSH PLANNING NEW “ELECTRIC CHAIR” TORTURE CHAMBER IN IRAQ?
6. 80,000 people between Maysan, Najaf, and Ninewa Provinces now enjoy potable water with the installation of three compact water units and repair of 27 km of water line.
   IRAQI WATER MAY CONTAIN DEPLETED URANIUM: BUSH’S NEW PLOT TO POISON IRAQI BABIES!
7. Four border forts in Maysan Province and two border forts in Al Anbar Province will increase the security along the border with Iran and Saudia Arabia, allow for the proper training of the border police, and provide additional logistical support for border patrols.
   BUSH’S IRAQI POLICE STATE: THE NEW EAST BERLIN?
8. The completion of a Port of Entry in Ninewa province will expedite the safe passage of thousands of vehicles and persons traveling between Iraq and Syria daily.
   FASTER PASSAGE FORTERRORISTS INSURGENTS FREEDOM-FIGHTERS? BUSH SAYS “BRING IT ON”!
9. Fire stations in Al Anbar, Basrah, Diyala, and Kirkuk Provinces will increase fire security for 100,000 residents in local towns and provide an excellent training facility for firefighters.
   100,000 IRAQIS LULLED INTO FALSE SENSE OF SECURITY IN SPITE OF MASSIVE FIRE THREAT!
10. Completion of cluster pump station is part of an overall project to restore water injection to pre-war levels. The water injection infrastructure is critical to providing adequate pressure on the oil reservoir in the Rumaylah field and has a direct impact on crude oil production output.
    BUSH RAMPS UP THEFT OF IRAQI OIL!

As I suggested in the post title, maybe no news IS good news.
By the way, the CentCom newsletter is free, contains the stories the MSM doesn’t bother reporting, and can be delivered to your inbox by clicking this link & leaving your e-mail address.
If you don’t sign up, then the MSM terrorists will have won.

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Before I dive into the review, a note about Amazon.com. When I first posted the PGH assignment at Alliance HQ on November 24th, I noticed several 1-star reviews of Sheehan’s book.
When I returned today, I noticed that all the 1-star reviews prior to November 29th had been removed. ALL of them. Even though 5-star reviews from as far back at Nov 17th are still there.
Anyway, here’s a link to the list of reviews, lowest first. Currently there are 5 1-star reviews dated Nov 29 (you have to click the “next” link to get to where the 5th one is listed). If you guys could keep an eye on that and let me know if they start disappearing, I’d appreciate it.
UPDATE: When I started writing this post, there were 6 1-star reviews dated Nov 30. Now there are 5.
Just freakin’ CREEPY…

Look, I really tried to read Cindy’s book before posting this review, but I was too busy buying pants for British soldiers. Nevertheless, I managed to compile a few reviews from other noteworthy Americans, on the assumption that you’ll be able to trust their judgment when it comes to choosing your reading material.
What could possibly go wrong?

Martin Sheen – “I love this book! In fact, I even sleep with it. Not in… you know… the Biblical sense… ok, maybe once. But I swear it was consensual!”
Michael Moore – “Great book. I ate a copy with some fava beans and a nice chianti.”
Joan Baez – “Best. Book. Ever. I mean, if it weren’t for this book, I wouldn’t have my picture posted at Amazon.com?

Oh… THAT’S what.
Fine. Let’s just cut to the chase. If Cindy’s book were a dog, it’d be this one:

Meanwhile, I’ll quote you one last Amazon review:

After reading this book everyone should be able to realize how painful it is for a mother to live without her son, how oainful it for a wife to live without husband who is killed in war.

Of course, I’m sure some people don’t need a book to realize that…
Not One More Mother’s Child, indeed.

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
So I keep hearing Democrats claiming that Bush lied about the reasons for going to war in Iraq – because he said that he knew that Saddam had WMD.
But then I find out that these same Democrats – or possibly others… I can’t tell, they all look alike to me – were saying that THEY knew that Saddam had WMD.
Maybe they’re crazy.
But then again, maybe there’s another explanation… Let’s see…

• Yes, they said those things a few years ago, but now they have amnesia because they fell down the stairs after fainting when their husband found out that they were pregnant by their ex-husband because they made love while being held prisoner on an island by an international terrorist, but only because they thought they were going to die and they turned to each other for comfort.
• Don’t look at me like that – it happened on Days Of Our Lives.
• Latest talking points memo from the Abilene Kinko’s was in a hard-to-read font – confusion ensued.
• Memo may have sustained water damage from riding in a car with Ted Kennedy.
• Ditto Ted Kennedy’s memory.
• Of course, that might have been the gin.
• Or the Scotch
• Possibly the Sterno
• Clinton’s quotes contain the word “is”, so there’s no way to tell what he really meant.
• They only said those things in the first place because President Bush drove up to their houses with a huge truck full of cash & hookers. Haven’t we ALL had a moment of weakness?
• What the Democrats said doesn’t count because they had their fingers crossed.
• They didn’t say “Saddam has WMD”, they said “Saddam has WMB”, as in “Saddam has Wondrous Man Booty”.
• Democrats are hypocritical weasels who will do or say ANYTHING to regain political power, regardless of any negative repercussions on the troops in the field.

Eh. I’m sure ONE of those is the right answer.

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
Some people question the patriotism of the Mainstream Media because of their incessant coverage of American casualties in the War on Terror and the way they’ll flock to any random group of smelly hippies if there’s a “No Blood For Oil!” sign in their midst.
Or print up a sign for them, if there isn’t one handy.
But I don’t think that “unpatriotism” is a fair verdict to hand down. They don’t make the news, they just report it. It’s not like they’re actually out shooting our troops in the streets of Baghdad.
Sure, that’s only because journalists are pansys who can’t muster the umph to cover the 4 pounds of pressure needed to pull a trigger – plus Baghdad doesn’t have a Starbucks – but really, they’re merely harmless buffoons, and not seditious, unpatriotic traitors.
On the other hand, there IS a serious threat to the patrioticality of America out there, and it’s HUMOR BLOGS!
For example:
Iowahawk – Documented to be on Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi’s payroll. I mean, why else would he turn down that ham sandwich I offered him?
Day By Day – Keeps American soldiers hostage in his basement as a bargaining chip towards eventual syndication. Fortunately, his foul scheme is hopeless since – as I mentioned above – American newspapers are patriotic.
Cox & Forkum – Draws terrorists as muscley studs while portraying Condi with a beer gut. Yeah… wonder whose side THEY’RE on.
It’s A Pundit – Makes snide remarks about rottweilers, which everyone knows to be the patrioticest dog of all.
Lileks – From Minnesota. Which is next to Canada. Which is where cooties come from. And possibly terrorists. But definitely socialized medicine. And cooties.
ScrappleFace – This once-patriotic American loyalist betrayed his country early on in the War by causing the word “weasel” to become associated with the pro-terrorist backstabbery of the French. Once proudly associated with such American traditions as chicken-thieving and the practice of law, weasels are now merely another shameful creature in a beret.
“Gee,” I hear you say, “humor blogs DO seem to be a direct threat to the safety and security of all American citizens, but what about IMAO? Isn’t that a humor blog, too?”
Yes, but IMAO is the only patriotic humor blog. Look at the IMAO crew, and you see the face of America:
* Frank J: Native-American (well, he WAS born in Florida, so he’s technically not an immigrant)
* Harvey: Blasphemous-Unbeliever-American
* RightWingDuck: I’ll-Cut-You!-American
* Kevin: Weasel-American
* Spacemonkey: Hayseed-American
* Laurence Simon: Zionist-Conspirator-American
* SarahK: Armed-and-Beauteous-American
* Aquaman: Seafood-American
We’re even thinking of breaking Spacemonkey’s legs to better represent Crippled Disabled Differently-Abled-Americans.
Hush-hush on that. Monkey doesn’t know about it yet.
Meanwhile, I’m pre-emptively denying that this post is just part of a vicious smear-campaign against blogs that will be competing against IMAO in the “Best Humor Blog” category of The 2005 Weblog Awards (voting to begin on December 1st), and I question the patriotism of anyone who says otherwise.

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
On October 24th the UN turned 60.
I wanted to celebrate this on time, but the resolution to do so was bottled up in an IMAO Security Council Subcommittee for the last week or so.
Now that THAT bureaucratic knot is unfurled, my first suggestion for a proper celebration of the UN’s many accomplishments over the last 60 years consists of changing the organization’s name to reflect those accomplishments.
Thus, hereafter, it shall be known as the Mostly Useless United Nations, or “MUUN” for short.
The other half of the celebration involves helping the MUUN accomplish it’s stated goal of bringing about world peace.
For 60 years, the diplomats have bickered and nattered, passing one toothless resolution after another, fruitlessly attempting to implement their silly pipe-dream of “peace through superior paper work”.
A dismal failure.
Because when it comes to achieving true and lasting world peace, we all know there’s only one realistic plan… (see extended entry):

Continue reading ‘Happy Birthday United Nations!’ »

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
Man, I hope you didn’t waste your time watching the World Series. Saddam’s trial was a LOT better. Here’s part of the transcript (in extended entry due to objectionable language):

Continue reading ‘The Quotable Saddam’ »

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
Some high-up Al-Qaeda nutjob wrote a letter to his superior Al-Qaeda nutjob proposing a “plan” for the future of Islamofascism:

The first stage: Expel the Americans from Iraq.
The second stage: Establish an Islamic authority or amirate, then develop it and support it until it achieves the level of a caliphate- over as much territory as you can[…]

Which – in terms of practicality – greatly resembles the Underpants Gnomes plan:
1) Collect underpants
2) ???
3) Profit!
or in this case:
1) Get blown up by Americans
2) ???
3) Establish Caliphate!
It’s a good start, but maybe they should consider streamlining it a bit:
1) Get blown up by Americans
2) Die
MUCH better.
SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
I heard the terrorists are celebrating their Holy Month by blowing people up.
While I admit that sounds like fun, I can’t help but think there’s gotta be another way to have a good time.
So, being from Wisconsin, which – except for the Socialists in Milwaukee and the Commies in Madison – is mostly rural and sane, I think the terrorists should take a page from the Big Book of Country Charm and celebrate it more along the lines of a County Fair.
Because fairs are fun!

First you set up a huge, inflatable mascot at the entrance so everyone can find the place easily:

“Hi! I’m Hamadan!”
Make sure there’s plenty of parking for both cycles:

and cars:

Inside the gates, there’d be lots of arts and crafts, like:
Candle-making:

Glass-blowing:

and gardening:

And, of course, yummy food everywhere you look:
Chocolate:

Cupcakes:

And everyone’s favorite: PEZ!

Plus there’s plenty of fun activities for the whole family:
Carousel rides:

Costume contest:

Rodeo:

and hot air balloon rides.

So every terrorist should grab his best girl

and come on down to the Ramadan County Fair for FUN! FUN! FUN!

HAPPY RAMADAN!