(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
Sooner or later, a bunch of smelly hippies will come to your town and try protesting the War, and – also sooner or later – you’ll get sick of their mindless sloganeering and decide to take to the streets yourself to protest their protest.
No such thing as too much free speech, ya know.
But you shouldn’t go empty-handed. Bring a ClueBat.

This item is useful for “beating sense” into someone whose knowledge of “what’s what” ain’t quite up to where it ought to be. A versatile device, it comes in several sizes, so be sure to choose the right tool for the right job.

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Small

For RINO’s like John McCain or Colin Powell, and also as a preventative measure for small children who just don’t know any better because they attended a public school.
Large

For politicians who just don’t know when to stop talking, like John Kerry, Ted Kennedy, Nancy Pelosi, or anyone in the UN Building (except the Stachemeister, of course).
Extra Pointy

For those with exceptionally thick skulls – Alec Baldwin, Tim Robbins, most hippies.
STFU ALREADY!

For extreme cases – Michael Moore, Cindy Sheehan, Jane Fonda.
And don’t forget to read the instruction manual before use:

“Fat end first, dumbass!”
Yes, with these handy tips, you’ll soon be doing your part as an American citizen to create a more informed electorate.
Or at the very least, you’ll have a good time.

“C’mere hippy! I want to explain my foreign policy…”

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
Ya just GOTTA figure that – sooner or later – that corrupt, embezzling weasel Kofi Annan will get perp-walked out of the UN building.
Which means they’ll have to pick a new Secretary General.
Never hurts to start planning ahead. Bush didn’t, and now he’s got…. what… seven Supreme Court vacancies to fill?… and he’s nominated John Roberts for all of them.
Lack of planning, man… just sad.
Fortunately, I’m on top of things with the UNSG. Here’s my short list:

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• Bambi! He will save us from Godzilla! He… aw CRAP!
• The SON of Bambi! HE will save us from Godzilla!
• Jesse Jackson – He knows how to unite the many-colored peoples of the world into one happy rainbow. Just like Skittles!
• Mmmm… Skittles…
• Bill Gates – If anyone opposes his mighty will, he can make their computer cr
• Hmmm… must’ve accidentally opposed Bill Gates.
• An Inanimate Carbon Rod – He’s already proved his worth by thwarting the plans of the evil insect overlords.
• Frank J. – The moon will finally get the nuking it so richly deserves.
• Jacques Chirac – Then we’d be able to ignore the UN and the French at the same time, thus increasing America’s disdainfulness quotient.
• SarahK – She’ll make the UN pretty by riddling it with bullets.

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All have their virtues, but you KNOW who I just have to give the nod to:
* John Bolton

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
Dozens of terrorist scumbags inmates at the Guantanamo Bay Detention Facility have gone on a hunger strike in an attempt to draw attention to the fact that they’re not getting the due process that they’re not entitled to because they’re not US citizens.
Wait… that doesn’t make any sense.
There must be some other reason for the hunger strikes, about which I speculate thusly:

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Think that a gaunt, haggard appearance will make them look sexy – like supermodels!
Really pissed off about being served kosher pickles.
We won’t even talk about the matzoh balls.
Trying to trick the guards into force-feeding them to satisfy their nasal-tube fetish.
A publicity stunt to get Cindy Sheehan to stop by.
Brad… Jennifer… sob… who can eat?
Can’t properly flush a Koran using the low-flow toilets in their cells.
They’re deathly afraid of hamburgers after having seen “Supersize Me“.
After a 30-day interrogation session featuring Beatles music & Dr. Seuss books, they refuse to eat anything except green eggs and walrus.
Not taking a bite until Season 2 of Firefly goes into production.
I might join them for that one.

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I suppose I should be concerned about this tragic development, but somehow I just can’t find it in my heart to care.
I’m too broken up about Brad & Jennifer.

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
Recently the UN offered to assist the US in dealing with the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. Working through their Office for the Coordination of Humanitarian Affairs, the UN has requested that all member nations donate whatever they can. Below is a partial list of current pledges:

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Afghanistan – 34 tons of surplus building rubble.
Australia – 20 million cans of Foster’s, each with a souvenier crocodile-tooth can opener that says “No Worries, Mate”.
Belarus – 10 black-market suitcase nukes for beefing up security against looters.
Bolivia – 10,000 bushels of cocaine to keep the rescue workers alert.
Brazil – 1 million coupons good for a free bikini wax.
Canada – one slightly used hockey stick.
China – 1 million cookies with super extra happy cheerful lucky fun fortunes, like “You find dry soon”.
Cuba – 1000 flotation devices

France – Haughty, derisive laughter.
Germany – A crate of emergency lederhosen.
Greece – 200 burly, hirsute homosexuals.
Guyana – 1000 barrels of grape Kool-Aid
Iran – 1500 “freedom fighters” with explosive “liberty belts”.
Ireland – 750 belligerent drunks.
Jamaica – 50 bales of weed and 1000 Rasta hats.
Japan – This handy instructional shirt-folding video.
Kenya – 50 “Holy Crap. Lions! Tours” busses.
Saudi Arabia – 1 million sandbags (bags not included)
Somalia – Assorted warlords & gunmen.
Sweden – The Bikini Team.

UK – Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, baked beans, spam, spam, spam, and spam.

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Also, rumor has it that Kofi Annan himself will be pledging $10 billion dollars of embezzled funds to the Red Cross.
Or maybe he pledged to embezzle $10 billion from the Red Cross. Hard to tell, his English is only so-so.
Anyway, if you’ve heard of any other pledges, feel free to mention them in the comments.
If you’d like to MAKE a pledge, see the Red Cross.

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
A lot of people have tried to blame Hurricane Katrina on President Bush.
Robert F. Kennedy Jr., for example, claims it’s because Bush refused to sign legislation reducing CO2 output, thus contributing to global warming and causing chaotic weather patterns, including Hurricane Katrina.
Silly Bobby! George’s Katrina connection is far more crafty and subtle than the ham-fisted scenario that you outline. His actual contributions to global warming include such diverse elements as:
* Boiling water to make tea, but not immediately turning off the stove burner afterwards.
* Ordering extra jalapenos with his nachos.
* Allowing Kim Jong Il’s poofy hair to trap carbon dioxide – a known greenhouse gas.
* Sure, he made Kim get it cut eventually, but not until AFTER the damage was already done.
* Having two really hot daughters.
Once his negligence allowed Katrina to form, he didn’t do anything to prevent it’s destructive rampage. Consider:
* He could’ve lined the Gulf Coast with big fans and blown Katrina down to Cuba – but he didn’t.
* He could’ve ordered the space shuttle to orbit the Earth really fast, thus turning back time so that the hurricane could’ve been prevented – but he didn’t.
* He could’ve stood atop a levee shouting “By the power of Grayskull, I command you to stop!” – but he didn’t.
That’s right. He let Hurricane Katrina have free reign to do whatever the hell she wanted!
WHY?
Because hurricanes tend to vote Republican, THAT’S why!
But you’d think Chimpy McBushitler would’ve at LEAST been smart enough to make the APPEARANCE of helping out after the storm, right?
HA!
* He was overheard praying for God to “take care of those poor people in New Orleans”. Apparently he meant “take care of” in the Don Corleone sense.
* Remember that plastic turkey Bush tried serving to the troops in 2003? He could’ve airdropped thousands of them to the victims to use as flotation devices – but he didn’t!
* He was even videotaped casting a spell on the Sorcerer’s Broom to carry buckets of water into the city to drown everyone!

(artist’s conception of President Bush causing flooding)
But even if all this evidence doesn’t convince you, you still can’t deny that the following Top Secret photograph proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that George Bush is responsible for Hurricane Katrina:

(Actual picture of President Bush’s weather control machine)
Crap! Gotta run! Black helicopters!!!
Don’t let Bush get away with this!1!!

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

According to modern leftist dogma, the whole reason we went to Iraq is to steal oil. Yet oil’s going for nearly $70 a barrel these days.
Since it’s obvious that he didn’t sell it on the open market, what did W do with all that stolen oil?
My theories:

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• Fixed that sticky door hinge on Air Force One.
• Needed supplies for the “Oil-Wrestle Condi” contest.
• Keeps it in his personal refinery so that he has enough gas to drive his International CXT across town if he wants to.
• Dumped it in Boston Harbor as a protest against England’s “Texas Tea Tax”.
• He’s reverse-engineering it to make an army of dinosaurs.
• Sea otters have become tragically non-flammable in recent years. Trend now reversed.
• It’s still sitting in Iraq, because Bush is having trouble getting blood for it.
• Bush hopes that if he keeps enough oil for himself, his monkey-faced daughters will grow up to be as pretty as Elly May.
• It’s even possible that he didn’t steal the oil. Maybe it’s just that there are no barrels left to put the oil in because Bush had them made into steelpan drums which he’s giving away to boost his poll numbers in the Caribbean-American community.
• However, based on recently acquired satellite images, I’d have to say that it’s pretty obvious that he’s just hiding it in and around the White House.
  (click to enlarge)
  

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BONUS FUN GAME: How many barrels of George Bush’s stolen oil can you find in this picture?

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
Since demanding to speak with President Bush is the hip and trendy thing to do these days, I decided to follow Cindy Sheehan’s lead and demand to speak with the President, too, because I want to know:
Who’s REALLY sitting in the prison cell in Iraq?
Is it Saddam Hussein?

Or is it actually best selling author Leo Buscaglia, presumably deceased since 1998?

Mr. President, I think the American people deserve to know the truth. All those lies you keep telling us… Please…

Stop.
In the name of Love.

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
Recently Jeanine Pirro announced her intention to run for Hillary Clinton’s Senate seat in 2006. As a patriotic American, I feel it’s my duty to support her by offering the following suggestions for campaign slogans:

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“Pirro 2006: Her husband may have cheated on his taxes, but at least he didn’t cheat on her with a chubby intern.”
“Pirro 2006: Won’t disgrace herself by showing slide shows of her family reunion set to the tune of ‘Dueling Banjos‘” (moderately work safe, but hard to justify – via BoingBoing)
“Pirro 2006: She won’t dance around the issues.”
“Pirro 2006: Never lost a billing record.”
“Pirro 2006: Leaving cattle futures to the cowboys.”
“Pirro 2006: Her other car ISN’T a broom.”
“Pirro 2006: Because sometimes it’s just WRONG to wear a bikini”
(click to enlarge)

“Pirro 2006: She can stay awake for an entire State of the Union Address.”
(click to enlarge)

“Pirro 2006: Because as far as we know, this is the only thing Hillary stands for.”

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Feel free to show your patriotism in the comments.

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
A lot of people have been asking “why hasn’t the MSM picked up on the Air America scandal?”.
Well, it turns out that it’s because the execs at Air America have been sitting on a bunch of stories that are – shall we say – “less than flattering” about the other major news outlets, and threatened to go public with them if the big boys cracked the story.
Through various nefarious means, I’ve discovered what those hidden scandals are:

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MSNBC paid over $3.4 million dollars in bribe money over the last nine years to keep the Apple Mighty Mouse off the market.
Ted Koppel was videotaped at Peter Jennings’ funeral rifling the corpse’s pockets looking for spare change to support his vicious crack habit.
Since the 2004 elections, Dan Rather has spent millions of dollars of CBS’s money buying vintage typewriters on eBay.
The ink used to print Newsweek is manufactured in Honduran sweatshops and its main ingredient is the blood of orphans.
Elvis has been working in the mailroom at NBC since 1977.
Almost a year beforehand, members of the Associated Press CLEARLY knew that September 11th was coming. It was on all their calendars, just sitting there next to September 10th.
Wolf Blitzer, booze, a can of Crisco, and a video camera. ‘Nuff said.
All the major networks accepted serious payola from Lyndie England to keep showing those Abu Ghraib photos, which did wonders for her “internet dominatrix” business, which – coincidentally – is owned by Time-Warner.
Speaking of ownership, you may have already guessed that greedy corporate sports network ESPN owns ‘RoidCo, which makes steroids in Honduran sweatshops out of orphan-blood.
Oh, and Robert Novak had sex with Tom Cruise, but hey – who hasn’t?

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Let me know if there any media scandals that I missed…

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
Recently a U.N. panel was created to recommend how the Internet should be run in the future. Here are some excerpts from the report:

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No single country will be allowed to dominate the internet. Since the US is a single country, it must either get out of the internet business, or get married. Possibly to Mexico, since she looks hot in a bikini.
All internet sites will be approved by the international community, i.e. France, and any site without the official “cheese and beret” seal of approval will have resolutions passed against it.
The United States will enforce these resolutions on behalf of the UN in the face of international disapproval and ingratitude. If successful, must give full credit to France.
Any rapidly propagating viruses that slow down overall internet traffic speed will be blamed on the JOOOOOOOS!
All information posted to the internet will first be fact-checked by the Daily Kos Ministry of Truth.
The following phrases will be banned: “poofy hair”, “filthy hippy”, “communist”, “ronin”.
What grudge against IMAO?
Google will change the “Google Search” button on its home page to say “I [heart] the UN”
The “I’m Feeling Lucky” button will become “Oil For Food was a Legitimate Program that Saved Millions of Children from Cruel Starvation due to Unnecessary US Sanctions and NOT a Money Laundering Scheme Designed to Line the Pockets of Corrupt UN Bureaucrats”.
All “adult content” web sites will cover naughty bits with little pictures of blue helmets.
All “adult content” sites will be thoroughly reviewed for compliance.
Until the US buys high-speed wireless internet access for all of Africa, everyone gets AOL and dial-up.
Except for those engaged in official UN compliance reviews.
All PayPal transactions must receive approval from Dr. Mbeki Salingo of Nigeria.
All bloggers will display the flags of every nation across the top of their home pages. Violators will be resolutioned.
No bushy moustaches. They frighten us.

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Remember folks, John Bolton is the only thing standing between the free people of the world and the nightmare outlined above.
And for you power-hungry one-worlders, just three words:

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
Even with his penchant for plaid pants and his eagerness to wrestle with sweaty, half-naked young men, Supreme Court Nominee John Roberts faced strong criticism from the left for his lack of overt homosexuality.
“When Roberts was first introduced,” said butt-sex-loving possibly-closeted-lesbian leftist blogger Wonkette. “I thought that Bush was trying to break ground with the first Gay-American Supreme Court justice. Why else would he give a girl’s SCOTUS seat to a guy?”
“But as I looked deeper into his past, I was disappointed. Sure, he was a man-grabbing drama-princess in high school, but he also played football – although that last may have been an excuse to snag an eyeful of locker-room boy-booty.”
“I really got my hopes up,” continued Wonkette, “when I read that he’d had a role in the musical ‘You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown’. I thought that if he played that ahem thumb-sucker Linus – you know, the one who kept rebuffing that pretty blond girl, Sally – that would seal the deal on him being light in the loafers. Unfortunately, he played Peppermint Patty.”
“I guess I should give him SOME gay-cred for portraying a lesbian, though.”
When questioned directly at a recent press conference, Roberts briefly acknowledged his disappointly mild homosexuality.
“Of course I’m gay,” said Roberts. “Who wouldn’t be festive & cheerful after being nominated to the Supreme Court? But I’ll try to contain myself until after the hearings.”

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
After the terrorist bombings in London, it’s become more important than ever for the average citizen to be able to detect crazy Muslims who mean us harm. As a public service to IMAO readers, I offer this simple quiz to help you determine your terrorist-spotting ability. Simply aim your sidearm at the correct answer and pull the trigger. If your monitor doesn’t explode, you’ve chosen correctly:

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1) Smells like a monkey, but has no tail.
a) Terrorist
b) Frenchman
2) Label on designer suit jacket reads “C4 of Hollywood”
a) Terrorist
b) Worthress Arec Bardwin
3) Towel on head
a) Terrorist
b) Galactic Hitchhiker eluding Ravenous Bugbladder Beast of Traal
4) Swarthy, hirsuite, bearded man with evil glint in his eye and no discernable sense of humor
a) Terrorist
b) Harvey
5) Sneakers have radiation symbol instead of Nike Swoosh
a) Terrorist
b) Merchandising whore Kobe Bryant
6) Makes pet Yorkie wear an explosive cardigan
a) Terrorist
b) Gay terrorist
7) Memorizes Holy Book, flies into murderous rage at slightest hint of blasphemy
a) Terrorist
b) SarahK
8) Prominently displays crescent moon on front door
a) Terrorist
b) Outhouse
9) Shouts “ULULULULULULULU!”
a) Terrorist
b) Country singer who misses his girlfriend, Lulu
10) Hates dogs
a) Terrorist
b) Terminator
11) Lives in the desert, sleeps in a tent, fires gun in the air at weddings
a) Terrorist
b) Buck the Marine
12) Man wearing long, flowing, badly-fitting dress
a) Terrorist
b) Transvestite
13) Kills innocent people when they least expect it
a) Terrorist
b) Ted Kennedy
14) Tries to smuggle weapons through airport security
a) Terrorist
b) Grandma and her knitting needles
15) Whooping it up at a strip club for a final night of earthly pleasure before his long-awaited entrance into Paradise
a) Terrorist
b) Frank J. at his bachelor party

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Since this quiz is self-grading, I won’t be posting an answer key. But if you got any answers wrong, buy a new monitor and try again.
America’s safety depends on you getting a perfect score.

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
After the cowardly attacks in London, the Brits went completely whacking hatstand, plotting bloody vengeance against those what done them wrong.
In their own typical, understated, cultured, and excessively polite English way, the Crown’s Tommy’s re-doubled their efforts in the Middle East to stick a dagger in the heart of organized Muslim terror.
Amongst the weaponry rapidly deployed against the filthy terrorists were such diverse elements as:

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The Rather Unpleasant Exploding Head Laser Beam
The 20 Megaton Nuclear Crumpet of Mild Inconvenience
The Terribly Sorry About That Old Chap 7.62mm Explosive Sniper Round
The Didn’t Mean to Trouble You Electrified Gonad Zapper and Battlefield Intelligence Procurer
The Double-Oh Eyeball Knife
Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Napalm Spam Spam Spam and Spam
The Bit of a Sticky Rocket-Propelled Wicket
The ‘Tis But a Scratch Depleted Uranium Bugger the Blighters Bunker Buster Missile
The Not Quite Cricket Cluster Bomb
The Nudge Nudge Say No More Bazooka
And…
A special propaganda bomb containing pamphlets imprinted with a single, multiple choice question:

“Sunny morning, me cheeky monkeys, and quiz me this: What word best describes Osama bin Laden?
A) arse-bandit
B) back scuttler
C) battyboy
D) beaver leaver
E) bender
F) brown hatter
G) buftie
H) bum-chum
I) chutney ferret
J) friend of Dorothy
K) fudge nudger
L) jobby jabber
M) knob jockey
N) marmite miner
O) mincer
P) pillow-biter
Q) poncey
R) poofter
S) shirtlifter
T) uphill gardener
U) all of the above
ANSWER: OO! Sorry! Trick question! The correct answer is “You’ll be stone dead in a moment because the bomb after this one won’t be filled with paper. Cheerio, ya rammy arse-monger!”

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I do so love the Brits. Bless them and pray for them, and may their swords forever drip with the blood of Mangy Mohammeds.
SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
Democrats have been howling with increasing ferver recently that Bush has no exit strategy for Iraq.
Which, frankly, puzzled me.
I couldn’t believe that Bush hadn’t planned on giving us a way out of Iraq. I mean, it’s not like America’s a bunch of idiot Frenchmen (sorry for the redundancy) who would go plunging into a war without some idea of how to get the troops home again.
So I consulted with my favorite military expert, Matt of Blackfive, who calmly assured me that Bush does, indeed, have an exit strategy for Iraq, which he explains succinctly in the extended entry:

Continue reading ‘The Only Safe Way Out of Iraq’ »

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
At a recent White House press conference…
SCOTT MCCLELLAN: Good afternoon. Although I’m usually the one who has to handle questions from you journalistic jackals, President Bush has informed me that I’m not being aggressive enough with my responses, and he’ll be handling the briefing today… Mr. President?
W: And you’re too damn fat, too. Now, in order to encourage more respectful questions, I’ll be instituting a program of rewards and punishments as a way of giving you feedback on your level of professionalism. Ok, who wants to go first?
(continued in extended entry)

Continue reading ‘New White House Press Conference Strategy’ »