(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
Even with his penchant for plaid pants and his eagerness to wrestle with sweaty, half-naked young men, Supreme Court Nominee John Roberts faced strong criticism from the left for his lack of overt homosexuality.
“When Roberts was first introduced,” said butt-sex-loving possibly-closeted-lesbian leftist blogger Wonkette. “I thought that Bush was trying to break ground with the first Gay-American Supreme Court justice. Why else would he give a girl’s SCOTUS seat to a guy?”
“But as I looked deeper into his past, I was disappointed. Sure, he was a man-grabbing drama-princess in high school, but he also played football – although that last may have been an excuse to snag an eyeful of locker-room boy-booty.”
“I really got my hopes up,” continued Wonkette, “when I read that he’d had a role in the musical ‘You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown’. I thought that if he played that ahem thumb-sucker Linus – you know, the one who kept rebuffing that pretty blond girl, Sally – that would seal the deal on him being light in the loafers. Unfortunately, he played Peppermint Patty.”
“I guess I should give him SOME gay-cred for portraying a lesbian, though.”
When questioned directly at a recent press conference, Roberts briefly acknowledged his disappointly mild homosexuality.
“Of course I’m gay,” said Roberts. “Who wouldn’t be festive & cheerful after being nominated to the Supreme Court? But I’ll try to contain myself until after the hearings.”