Archive of entries posted on 29th July 2005

Instapundit For Sale

Posted by on

(A Filthy Lie)
Not long ago, Glenn Reynolds mused that he’d be more than happy to sell Instapundit for the bargain price of $145 million dollars.
Naturally he got flooded with offers, so he ran a contest: “Tell why you should be allowed to buy Instapundit in 200 words or less”.
Here are some of the responses:

Muqtada al-Sadr – “According to the Prophet Mohammed, all unbelievers are as filthy hobos in the eyes of Allah, and must be murdered. I will be most proud to carry on Evil Glenn’s holy homeless jihad. Will you take a check drawn on a Saudi bank?”
John Bolton – “Once Bush takes his balls out of that little box that Laura keeps them in, he’ll FINALLY get around to naming me as ambassador to the UN. I will use the power of Instapundit – and possibly a large wooden mallet – to crush all those stupid foreigners like bugs! LIKE BUGS, I SAY!”
Muzammil Siddiq, Muslim Religious Scholar – “Now that we have issued a fatwa condemning terrorism, we must make this pronouncement be heard from ALL of our most holy sites, including the holiest of all, the site of Imampundit, the most… what?… CRAP!… nevermind…”
Kim Jong Il – “As leader of the #1 dog-consuming nation in the world, what could be more appropriate that having me take control of Ilstapundit and its vast archive of canine-based recipes?”
Condoleezza Rice – “I think Bush might respect me more if I had a powerful blog. Don’t get me wrong, I love my job, but I do get a little tired of being patted on the head and being called ‘my wittle Condi-Wondi'”.
Michael Griffin, NASA Administrator – “We just want to own SOMETHING that doesn’t have chunks of foam falling off it”.
Steve Jobs, Apple CEO – “iNstapundit… got a nice ring to it…”
Bill Gates, Chairman, Microsoft – “The transition to Vistapundit will be seamless, since Reynolds and I both have pretty much the same deal with Satan.”
Michael Eisner, Disney CEO – “We haven’t had a hit movie since “Monsters, Inc.”, and I’m thinking we could at least make a couple bucks with selling T-shirts on this site or something, and… wait… I KNOW!… “Herbie: Fully Blogged”!… It’s so hip and trendy that it can’t possibly fail!”
Johnny Depp – “I just finished playing a powerful-yet-creepy reclusive iconoclast with a fetish for short, waddling things that all look alike. I’m SO ready to be the new Instapundit.”
AND THE WINNER IS… (in the extended entry)

Continue reading ‘Instapundit For Sale’ »

The Weekend Is Coming Up.

Posted by on

The weekend is coming up. Tomorrow is Saturday. I know there aren’t too many people who are going to be very surprised at this announcement.
But if you haven’t been paying too close attention to the calendar you just might get caught off guard and try to go to work in the morning.
I guess at least traffic will be light and you’ll get to park up front, but you’ll realize you wasted a perfectly good ‘sleeping in’ morning on a drive you didn’t have to make.
And that would be sad. If I can keep just one, JUST ONE, person from being sad, I haven’t done very much, admittedly, but at least THAT person isn’t sad.
Oh man I just realized something….
WARNING!!!!! PEOPLE WHO WORK ON SATURDAY NORMALLY, GO TO WORK AS PER USUAL!! !!
REPEAT, PEOPLE WHO WORK ON SATURDAY NORMALLY, GO TO WORK AS PER USUAL!!!!
Whew! Close one. I suddenly realized this talk of not going to work on Saturday might have unintentionally messed up some people who actually NEED to go in on Saturday. They would have been FIRED and that would have been really EVEN MORE SAD.
Don’t let a well intentioned blogger ruin your life. Because that would be, well, you know.
I guess I’m just a people person. I care.

A Story, Bit-by-Bit
Superego: Part 4 – Questions

Posted by on

PREVIOUS
I decided to dispatch with the usual custom of hellos. “What happened here, Vito?”
“I’m not sure, see…”
“I’m sending the data on who I killed. Will you even be able to tell me if I hit the target?”
“I’ll pass along the data. It will probably take some time before I can confirm anything. The problem is…”
“I don’t like leaving a job and not knowing whether it is done.” I modulated my voice to put the implicit threat behind that statement. Anger is probably the most primal of emotions, and even I experience variations of it such as frustration. Thus, it’s the emotion I can fake the best.
I can be quite scary when I want to be… not that someone has to be scared of me to die when I pull the trigger.
“I’ll try asking about the process here. The problem is I’m new to this, and I don’t have much pull. I ask too many questions, and… well… they don’t like that.” He laughed nervously. “I get too noisy, that might even send you after me.”
That was sorta funny, but I didn’t change expression. “The day I’m assigned to do a hit on a nothing like you is the day I quit.” Not true; I’d figure out some way to make it interesting… like make sure he’s armed and blindfold myself. “Now you pass along to whomever it concerns that this is not acceptable. I need good information to do hits. If someone is so important that they’d send me to make him dead, they should at least know who the hell he is!”
“I’ll tell ’em, Rico. I’ll tell them about the problem and give you back what they say. Don’t worry about it.”
“Don’t tell me what I should do, Vito. Now, you have my next job?”
“Not yet. I’ll have more coming down the pipe soon. With you, it’s no on women or children, right?”
“No, you’re thinking of someone else. You want an elementary school bombed or a salon shot up, I’ll do it. Just get me my money.” I actually don’t care much about the money, but it looks weird if you don’t at least act like you care about the money. “Vito, you’re just a pile of flesh that sends my talkee-talkee to others, and repeats that talkee-talkee to me. Is that really too much for you?”
“I’ll get whatever you want done. It’s just I’m new and…”
“Don’t contact me until you either have information on this job or my next.” I then severed the communication. I’m usually never curious about anything about the syndicate, but I was starting to wonder what happened to my last go-between and how I got stuck with the current idiot. You’d at least think he’d come in knowing my reputation and thus would try to appear a bit smarter in front of me. I mean, I almost had this sensationalist piece about me in the Laverk Times calling me the “Universe’s Deadliest Man.” Funny story: Day before it was published, I killed the entire Laverk Times editorial staff for a completely unrelated matter.
Well, at least it seemed funny to me at the time. Maybe you had to have been there.
“May I run my conclusions by you now, Rico?” Dip asked.
“Sure. What do you got?”
“I conclude that you are evil. Is this correct?”
He’s been concluding that for quite some time. It’s getting hard to come up with new answers to that one. “Ever think that maybe you’re evil, and thus your views on things are skewed by that?”
“I conclude that you are not mentally well. Is this correct?”
“How can you say that? Can you really take all the mental states of all the sentients out there and make a norm? And even if you could, wouldn’t that just be the normal mental state selected by evolution, and thus not necessarily the best?”
“I conclude that you don’t like me. Is this correct?”
“Well, do you like me?”
“Furthermore, my original programming had given me the conclusion that ‘crime doesn’t pay.’ Yet, you are often paid for crime with no discernible retribution. Should I amend that preprogrammed conclusion, Rico?”
“The key word is ‘discernible,’ Dip. Some believe there are cosmic forces that equalize the universe, and thus I will eventually have punishment for these ‘crimes’ as you call them… if those people are correct, I mean.” Me, I don’t “believe” in things. I basically just deal with the input given me– like Dip.
“I shall process your answers.”
“You do that. Now jump this vessel somewhere.”
“Where?”
“Somewhere… somewhere I haven’t been before.”
“I remind you, Rico, I work better when given more exact input.”
“Dip, you should know by now what I and this vessel usually need between jobs, so find a planet with that – one friendly to humans – and go.”
“I think the planet…”
“Don’t tell me. Just go! And wake me when we’re there.”
NEXT

He Should Have Laid the Beat Down on Some Norks

Posted by on

I’ve never been much into “Pro” Wrestling, but this story of Ric Flair’s visit to North Korea shouldn’t be missed.
And, while I’m linking, I have to say there are some times when Roger Ebert annoys me, but the true joy from his reviews is seeing him casually eviscerate some Hollywood schlock.
Oh, and my little post about Helen Thomas’s promising vow was prompted by an e-mail from The Apologist, to whom I apologize for not mentioning.

Ask Dr. Duck

Posted by on

Hello All,
This is RightWingDuck with this weeks episode of Ask Dr. Duck. Earlier in the week, you folks posted questions for the Ask Ducky segment of our podcast – now it’s time to post the questions that only I, Dr. Duck, can answer from years of experience and lot of drinking. Remember, I’ll answer questons on anything except math.
Here are my answers to the first segment. If you don’t see your question it means that it really sucked or that I used it for the upcoming podcast. (note, I changed some of the intro’s to “Dear. Dr. Duck” to reflect the Friday theme and to flirt with censorship in my own little way.
Other than FIRST!,
If I wear Spacemonkey’s sunglasses, will it protect my eyes from a nuclear blast?
Posted by jimmyb
No, But you will look slightly less dorky. At least, slightly less dorky than Spacemonkey.
Additionally:
Why are New York senators (Chick and Hellary) so gay?
Posted by jimmyb
Chick and Hellary are gay because New York is all about the make over.
**
Dear Dr. Duck,
Where can I get my own Nuke or WMD? I think it would make a great decoration for my living room.
Plus no one would mess with me at work.
Posted by German-American Matt
Matt,
You have made the mistake that every beginning decorator makes — using weapons. As “Chick and Hellary” might say, “Sure, an AK on the wall might look classy — but there’s more to decorating than advanced weaponry.” I suggest you contact your local library for articles on home decorating.
**
Can’t we just airlift Israel somewhere else then nuke the whole Middle East? It’d solve many of our problems.
Posted by Alucard
Yes we could, but that would involve a lot of work. And we’re busy right now with stuff. Plus, have you seen the price of gas lately. Man, we need to invade someone.
**
What does the red button do?
Posted by Infidel Castrol
I believe it activates the blue button.
**
Dear Dr. Duck,
Is it true that genetic mutations resulting from a nuclear holocaust will cause ants and spiders to grow to horrible size and eventually take over the world? If so will they create “human” sprays to deal with us? Will we still dominate the cockroaches?
Posted by Trevor
You readers and your silly imagination. Of course not. What will happen is that these creatures will develop super powers and become super heroes. The Cockroach will become cockroachman. The ant will become ant-man. And the spider, well, I don’t know what it will become, but I’m sure it would make a great hit movie.
**
How many yellow cakes does Joe Wilson need to find to make a WMD?
Posted by Brad
It depends on what kind of tea they are serving at the embassy.
**
Why “Right Wing Duck”? Don’t you find it difficult to fly like that? Do you just fly around in circles, flapping uselessly, quacking in murderous rage, while all the centrist ducks with two wings laugh at you?
Wait, you wanted something on WMDs… here’s one- don’t you thibk we should drop a big nuke on top of whatever Baghdad neighborhood Zarqawi’s hiding in and then hold a press conference and say “Look, we found one! They were trying to make a really, really big IED to use on Joe Foo and Buck and it backfired on them!”
Wouldn’t that be awsome?
Posted by Chainik Hocker
I’m righthanded — and on most non weekends I’m fairly able to walk in a straight line. Silly. Being a right wing duck means that I see things from the right point of view. Being a centrist duck means youget sucked into a lot of airplane engines.
As far as dropping the nukes, it’s important that we safeguard the oil — I mean the valuable human life in the region.
**
JimmyB if you know something about my missing sunglasses, you’d better spill it, right Ducky?
I knew I could turn that into a question.
Posted by spacemonkey
No. Don’t give him back his glasses. Take them on vacation and email travel pics to IMAO. It’s a contest!! “Are these Monkey’s glasses? ” Email pics to rightwingduckatyahoodotcom.
**
Why do you want WMD questions? I mean, how interested can you be in Wussy Mendacious Democrats?
Posted by Master Shake
Everyone needs a hobby.
**
Dear Dr. Duck,
If scientists can dare dream of creating some kind of a smart nano device with infrared-detection capabilities through extraction of proteins located in the pit cells of snakes such as the copperhead, rattlesnake and water moccasin (holding membranes capable of sensing temperature changes as small as two thousandths of a degree, a capability far exceeding state-of-the-art manmade sensors), then can’t a similar theory be constructed to create an evil terrorist-seeking WMD and if so, what evil-detecting creature(s) would be prime study targets?
(.)
Posted by Uber at July 28, 2005 01:18 AM
(sounding like Homer Simpson)
Yes, Uber, Ducky’s a Doctor.

Continue reading ‘Ask Dr. Duck’ »

Shut Up, Aswat!

Posted by on

It looks like probably 7/7 “mastermind” Aswat has been captured. Everytime I hear of the devious Aswat on TV I think, “Are they really allowed to say that?” I mean, it’s hard to tell a ‘t’ sound from a ‘d’ sound, and it’s just very improper for news people to be saying such a phrase. Hopefully he doesn’t have kids so we won’t have some liberal come on TV and cry about the “poor little Aswats.”
And who are his co-conspirators? Fookfaic and Deekwead?
(For more wacky IMAO fun, come up with your own terrorist names and post them in the comments)