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Archive of entries posted on 27th July 2005
A Story, Bit-by-Bit
Superego: Part 2 – Shooting People
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I didn’t expect six to try and draw on me at once, but, to be honest, I wasn’t expecting anything. I like to be surprised.
Now I’m fast – we’re talking brain altered by top neurosurgeons fast – but I’m not usually fast enough to shoot six humanoids before any can get off a shot… especially since I didn’t have the drop on them or anything. Still, I had drawn my two blasters and shot two of them before the rest had even a full grip on their guns. Those shots panicked the rest, and only one bolt came even near me. When the noise died down, there were more than six bodies lying on the ground. I wasn’t sure if it was my shots or theirs that killed the others, but, frankly, in the past few seconds I had grown a deep-seated prejudice against purple aliens with tentacles coming out of their heads and thus didn’t really care.
Their blood was orange, if you were curious. If there’s come correlation between alien skin color and blood color, I never figured it out.
“Anyone else?” I asked as I put my guns back in their holsters. The aliens made a number of sounds, all of them variations of the word “No” according to my universal translator.
I dropped Niko out so Niko could do what Niko does – collect DNA and other info off corpses for verifying I had done my job – while I headed for the door. This was a civilized city in that I could expect police to show up at some point. In some places, the reaction time for police was so quick they’d be there half-way through the trigger pull. In others, I had enough time to play a couple hands of Solitaire before making my hasty escape. I used to look up police response time before landing on the planet, but I stopped a while ago to add a little spice to otherwise boring hits.
Niko crawled up my leg and into my pocket, his spider-like body folding back into a ball. Hopefully one of those I killed was the target, but, if not, I was still getting off this rock either way. I wasn’t the one who screwed this up.
I was just a couple yards from the bar when I heard sirens coming my way. Now, if I was after a dangerous psychopath, I’d probably be quieter about it – if I weren’t me, that is. Well, maybe the first officer on the scene could at least serve as a cautionary example to others.
NEXT
No! You’re My Snuggle-Bunny!
Good advice for any man who plans to ever interact with a woman.
(hat tip to Ann Althouse)
Questions About Dean Need To be Assked
Read Townhall’s coverage of this speech given by Governor Doctor Howard Dean. Done? OK, I have a few questions especially regarding comments such as this part.
“The president and his right-wing Supreme Court think it is ‘okay’ to have the government take your house if they feel like putting a hotel where your house is,” Dean said,”
Ok here are my questions regarding Dean, who is my favorite Democratic Party Chairman, EVER and his awesome speechifying.
Namely,
1) When Dean gives a speech like this does the audience feel like they are being mooned?
2) Do the seats of his pants muffle his voice or does he just drop a mic. down the back?
3) When he leaves the podium are there obvious skidmarks on the microphone covers?
I rectum I already know the answers, butt I wanted to assk anyway.
ht to Redstate.org
Wonkette Says John Roberts “Not Gay Enough”
(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
Even with his penchant for plaid pants and his eagerness to wrestle with sweaty, half-naked young men, Supreme Court Nominee John Roberts faced strong criticism from the left for his lack of overt homosexuality.
“When Roberts was first introduced,” said butt-sex-loving possibly-closeted-lesbian leftist blogger Wonkette. “I thought that Bush was trying to break ground with the first Gay-American Supreme Court justice. Why else would he give a girl’s SCOTUS seat to a guy?”
“But as I looked deeper into his past, I was disappointed. Sure, he was a man-grabbing drama-princess in high school, but he also played football – although that last may have been an excuse to snag an eyeful of locker-room boy-booty.”
“I really got my hopes up,” continued Wonkette, “when I read that he’d had a role in the musical ‘You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown’. I thought that if he played that ahem thumb-sucker Linus – you know, the one who kept rebuffing that pretty blond girl, Sally – that would seal the deal on him being light in the loafers. Unfortunately, he played Peppermint Patty.”
“I guess I should give him SOME gay-cred for portraying a lesbian, though.”
When questioned directly at a recent press conference, Roberts briefly acknowledged his disappointly mild homosexuality.
“Of course I’m gay,” said Roberts. “Who wouldn’t be festive & cheerful after being nominated to the Supreme Court? But I’ll try to contain myself until after the hearings.”
Find Out How Deep the Rabbit Hole Goes
Though many people are talking about the Valerie Plame controversy, most still don’t understand what it is about. Thus, as a public service, I thought I’d do the research and inform everyone in an easy to read FAQ targeted at those with short attention spans.
Only problem is I have a short attention span and this stuff is boring!
So, I may have embellished things to make it more interesting… or just made everything up. Anyhoo, here is…
THE VALERIE PLAME CONTROVERSY FAQ
livin’ la vida loco
Well renowned intellectual Ricky Martin recently took a stab at raising awareness about Arab profiling. Martin, a former member of Menudo and “Livin’ La Vida Loca” one-hit wonder, attended the silver jubilee of the Arab Children’s Congress in Jordan. Martin posed for photos with Arab teenage fans and at one point a traditional Arab kaffiyeh headscarf with the slogan “Jerusalem Is Ours” written in Arabic was draped over his shoulders.
“I had no idea that the kaffiyeh scarf presented to me contained language referring to Jerusalem, and I apologize to anyone who might think I was endorsing its message,” Martin said in a statement released Monday by his New York-based publicist, Ken Sunshine.
Unfortunately, this isn’t the first time that Martin has found himself in this type of awkward situation . . .
Dilbert Comes in Line with the IMAO Philosophy
Lookee funny strip!
(sent to me by various readers)
Educational Primer: The Federalist Society
Hello Gang,
RightWingDuck with some true facts for you to ponder.
John Roberts has been nominated to the Supreme Court and already the lunacy is beginning. Did you hear that John Kerry demanded that Roberts release all of his records? Are you kidding me? What’s next – Ted Kennedy demanding Sobriety tests? Bill Clinton investigating his marital fidelity?
One issue that has come up more than once is Mr. Roberts membership in an organization called The Federalist Society? What is this thing? Is it like a hair club for men? Is it a social club? Well, thankfully, you guys don’t really care – which means you are absolutely at the right website.
Here is RWD’s Educational Primer: The Federalist Society
Continue reading ‘Educational Primer: The Federalist Society’ »