Hello All,
This is RightWingDuck with this weeks episode of Ask Dr. Duck. Earlier in the week, you folks posted questions for the Ask Ducky segment of our podcast – now it’s time to post the questions that only I, Dr. Duck, can answer from years of experience and lot of drinking. Remember, I’ll answer questons on anything except math.
Here are my answers to the first segment. If you don’t see your question it means that it really sucked or that I used it for the upcoming podcast. (note, I changed some of the intro’s to “Dear. Dr. Duck” to reflect the Friday theme and to flirt with censorship in my own little way.
Other than FIRST!,
If I wear Spacemonkey’s sunglasses, will it protect my eyes from a nuclear blast?
Posted by jimmyb
No, But you will look slightly less dorky. At least, slightly less dorky than Spacemonkey.
Additionally:
Why are New York senators (Chick and Hellary) so gay?
Posted by jimmyb
Chick and Hellary are gay because New York is all about the make over.
**
Dear Dr. Duck,
Where can I get my own Nuke or WMD? I think it would make a great decoration for my living room.
Plus no one would mess with me at work.
Posted by German-American Matt
Matt,
You have made the mistake that every beginning decorator makes — using weapons. As “Chick and Hellary” might say, “Sure, an AK on the wall might look classy — but there’s more to decorating than advanced weaponry.” I suggest you contact your local library for articles on home decorating.
**
Can’t we just airlift Israel somewhere else then nuke the whole Middle East? It’d solve many of our problems.
Posted by Alucard
Yes we could, but that would involve a lot of work. And we’re busy right now with stuff. Plus, have you seen the price of gas lately. Man, we need to invade someone.
**
What does the red button do?
Posted by Infidel Castrol
I believe it activates the blue button.
**
Dear Dr. Duck,
Is it true that genetic mutations resulting from a nuclear holocaust will cause ants and spiders to grow to horrible size and eventually take over the world? If so will they create “human” sprays to deal with us? Will we still dominate the cockroaches?
Posted by Trevor
You readers and your silly imagination. Of course not. What will happen is that these creatures will develop super powers and become super heroes. The Cockroach will become cockroachman. The ant will become ant-man. And the spider, well, I don’t know what it will become, but I’m sure it would make a great hit movie.
**
How many yellow cakes does Joe Wilson need to find to make a WMD?
Posted by Brad
It depends on what kind of tea they are serving at the embassy.
**
Why “Right Wing Duck”? Don’t you find it difficult to fly like that? Do you just fly around in circles, flapping uselessly, quacking in murderous rage, while all the centrist ducks with two wings laugh at you?
Wait, you wanted something on WMDs… here’s one- don’t you thibk we should drop a big nuke on top of whatever Baghdad neighborhood Zarqawi’s hiding in and then hold a press conference and say “Look, we found one! They were trying to make a really, really big IED to use on Joe Foo and Buck and it backfired on them!”
Wouldn’t that be awsome?
Posted by Chainik Hocker
I’m righthanded — and on most non weekends I’m fairly able to walk in a straight line. Silly. Being a right wing duck means that I see things from the right point of view. Being a centrist duck means youget sucked into a lot of airplane engines.
As far as dropping the nukes, it’s important that we safeguard the oil — I mean the valuable human life in the region.
**
JimmyB if you know something about my missing sunglasses, you’d better spill it, right Ducky?
I knew I could turn that into a question.
Posted by spacemonkey
No. Don’t give him back his glasses. Take them on vacation and email travel pics to IMAO. It’s a contest!! “Are these Monkey’s glasses? ” Email pics to rightwingduckatyahoodotcom.
**
Why do you want WMD questions? I mean, how interested can you be in Wussy Mendacious Democrats?
Posted by Master Shake
Everyone needs a hobby.
**
Dear Dr. Duck,
If scientists can dare dream of creating some kind of a smart nano device with infrared-detection capabilities through extraction of proteins located in the pit cells of snakes such as the copperhead, rattlesnake and water moccasin (holding membranes capable of sensing temperature changes as small as two thousandths of a degree, a capability far exceeding state-of-the-art manmade sensors), then can’t a similar theory be constructed to create an evil terrorist-seeking WMD and if so, what evil-detecting creature(s) would be prime study targets?
(.)
Posted by Uber at July 28, 2005 01:18 AM
(sounding like Homer Simpson)
Yes, Uber, Ducky’s a Doctor.

**
My lawn is a quagmire from being overwatered – is Pres. Bush to blame for that? If so, am I in danger of crazy liberal hippies showing up at my house to protest?
Posted by snarky
As you know, a Quagmire is anything that involves work or is inconvenient. So of course Bush is to blame for your lawn. My recommendation it to keep watering it — why? It keeps the hippies off.
**
If a nuclear weapon on a US warship leaves Boston heading east at 25 knots, and a dirty bomb hidden on a container ship leaves Jeddah heading west at 18 knots, how long will it take for AlJazeera to complain about American hegemony?
Posted by hatless in hattiesburg
I’m sorry, I don’t do math questions.
**
If a tactical nuke took out Ted Kennedy in the woulds, and no one was around, would that leave just Moore’s Wide Mouth of Decite? Would anyone care that we took out half of Mass.?
Posted by Trendy
Hmmm. That brings up one of those timeless questions: Does a Kennedy Should in the Woulds? But yes, that would leave us with Michael M. If you took out half of Mass that would upset me as some of my closest friends are Catholic.
**
Based on PETA using dogs with hooks in their mouths to stop people from fishing, when are we going to see PETA using Ted Kennedy in a speedo to keep people from eating?
Posted by BloodSpite
You know, I used to see those dogs too. I thought they were Punk Rock Dogs. Kennedy in speedo? Makes sense, we know he can swim, even if his secretaries can’t. Technically, it DID stop Mary Jo Kopechne from eating.
**
Hmmm. My question:
when the space shuttle discards its rockets, is it true that they actually don’t burn up in the atmosphere, but actually land in a natural reserve and kill a million animals each time?
But most importantly, why was none of them EVER a monkey?
Posted by Francesco Poli
Sometimes they fall in the forest, sometimes they fall in the city. Don’t worry, NASA does the calculations so that they only fall in poor neighborhoods. Be careful, if it conks you on the head, you’ll end up forgetting stuff. It’s weird, every once in a while you see a poor person pushing a discarded rocket around in a shopping cart! Hey, you can good recyclin’ money from that. More if you’re in Delaware.
**

-(o:@ (Frank J.)
…{3 (heart)
-/(o;&% (SarahK)
Hey, look! It’s Frank J. and SarahK! Sarah’s wearing her hair up, because long hair’s hard to make on smiley stick figures of that size. :o)
Awww, young love!!! ;o)
Posted by AWG
AWG,
GREAT WORK. Do you do weddings?
**
What does “P.S.” stand for? Being intelligent, does the fact that I can’t think of it mean that it was invented by Karl Rove to make me miserable?
Gunlord
Posted by gunlord
First, look around for any discarded booster rockets. No? Then I’m Pretty Sure (P.S.) that Rove is to blame.
**
If I dropped a stinky Frenchman in an American city, would that count as a WMD?
Posted by Steve the Pirate
No. There’s only one. What part of MASS don’t you understand. One Frenchman can’t damage an entire city, fool! You need at least two.
**
How many wmds could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wmds?
Posted by SkyeChild
Sorry, I don’t do math questions.
**
Almighty Ducky, show favor to one of your lowly subjects, and please expound your wisdom to this question that is tormenting my being.
How many nukes would it take to Obliterate (sp?) Michael Moore’s @ss?
Posted by Steve
Three. Two if he’s low-carbing.
**

If voting to stop the senate filibuster of judicial nominees is called the nuculer option, would Ted Kennedy be a WMD?
Posted by Ricky
No. Ted brings death and destruction one secretary at a time. Why? Because he cares?
**
How many nukes to the center of a Tootsie Pop?
Yes, I did just say Tootsie.
Is U-235 really lower in calories than U-238?
What tastes better, Uranium or Plutonium?
Posted by Matt
Well, if a nuke in the warehouse falls over and it falls on your Tootsie Pop — One? The U-235 is 3 calories less — Duh! And the flavor thing is a matter of personal taste. I like to dip the Plutonium like it’s Lick a Stick candy using an Inanimate Carbon Rod.
**
Ducky,
I work in a large office building in a big city (don’t ask me where because I don’t want to be targeted by terrorists). The company just hired a new accountant that looks a lot like a young Saddam Hussein. Should I avoid the 3rd floor altogether or request that the Saddam look alike at least shave his wicked-huge mustache?
Posted by D. Logan
Maybe it is Saddam? Are there any French people “helping him with the math”. When he asks for Koffi’s help, is he surprised that you bring something in a cup?
You should kidnap the accountant and stick him in a hole underground for 3 days. Pull him out and take him back to work. People will either say, “HEY, it’s Saddam Hussein” or “Those damn crazy accountants”. Keep track of how many times you hear each phrase.
**
Okay. It’s Friday, so post your questions for Ask Dr. Duck. I’ll post answers by 3pm California Duck Time.