Stephen Hawking has revamped the theory of black holes, finally solving the paradox that black holes seemingly destroy information.
Now I can finally sleep nights again.
So what do you do if you happen to run into a black hole? Well, I sent out my crack research staff to find out as much as they can about black holes so you can be prepared.
FUN FACTS ABOUT BLACK HOLES
* A black hole is made by the combination of “black” and “hole.”
* Gravity is also involved.
* The name “black hole” is somewhat of misnomer; they’re more of a dark gray.
* They say that black holes are so dense that not even light can escape them – but that’s just black hole propaganda to scare you.
* Hawking now says that, instead of destroying data, a black hole will eventually spit it out in a mangled form – much like shoving a classified document down your pants and then later pulling it out again.
* Many galaxies have a massive black hole at their center, so try to stay near the edges of the galaxy to be on the safe side.
* If you think you see a black hole, don’t touch it. Instead, contact the authorities. You can throw a rock at it if you feel like it.
* Just because a hole is black doesn’t mean it’s a “black hole.” Check if the hole has a strong gravitational force that rends your atoms apart for confirmation.
* They say that once you cross the event horizon of a black hole there’s no escape – but that just sounds like loser talk to me.
* Whatever is sucked into a black hole is crushed down into an infinitely small point called a singularity. You can’t beat that for convenient storage.
* Black holes will suck anything into them… except for Jews because they’re virulently anti-Semitic.
* If a black hole tells you its okay to come a little closer, it’s a trick! You’re near the event horizon!
* You can throw a penny into a black hole and make a wish, but then Greenpeace will be on your case for disturbing pristine wilderness.
* The laws of physics fall apart as one is pulled into a black hole, so, whatever you do, don’t take a physics test while descending into a black hole or you’ll totally fail.
* If you think you are being sucked into a black hole, stop, drop, and roll. That might help distract you from the unimaginable destruction you’re about to experience.
* When you cross the event horizon (point of no return) of a black hole, you’ll notice no discernable difference. Outside observers, though, will be like, “That guy is totally screwed! Let’s get lunch.”
* A black hole can’t even be destroyed if we launched nuclear missiles at it. I don’t know if anyone has tried hitting it with a hammer.
* In a fight between a black hole and Aquaman, the ways in which Aquaman would die are just too numerous to list.
* The first time a star collapsed into a black hole, God was like, “Oh man, I like must have totally screwed up my calculations somewhere.” He won’t admit to that now.
* If a black hole is acting like it’s “all that,” flip it the bird while saying, “Collapse this into a singularity!” That’ll show it.
* Hawking has dispelled the belief that black holes are a portal to another dimension. Instead, what lies in them is much less interesting: cyborg alien ninjas who will kick you in the head for all eternity. And free ice cream.
* One day I hope to harness the power of black holes to suck into them all the people I disagree with. Some might say this will end political discussion, but I never liked political discussion – that’s why I’m talking about black holes.
First!
Actually I was third but I went into a black hole next year and was spit out just three minutes ago so that I could enter this first.
First!
Heh. Frank said “hole.”
Curses! Foiled again!
Ain’t quantum physics ‘da bomb?
Oh…while I was in the black hole I finally found answer for when you divide by zero. Unfortunately I had to sign a “non-disclosure” document so I the only thing I can tell you is…it tastes faintly of hazelnuts.
Heh, Aquaman is screwed. That cracks me up.
this new theory really explains picasso
I loved the black holes they used in the Bugs Bunny and Road Runner cartoons. Everyday I wish I had one of those in my pocket.
Heheh. Frank said “singularity.”
“Cooper! One of these days you might have to know what a quantum singularity is!” -from Megas XLR. 🙂
“What’s a quantum singularity?”
“It’s like a black hole, but portable. And with a much cooler sounding name.”
Cooper and Magnanamus (Voiced by Bruce Campbell, nice!) Megus XLR
Heheh. Frank said “suck.” And “ice cream.”
ALLZ OFZ YOUZ CANZ KISSZ MYZ ASSZ.
Why in quantum singularity would we want to do that?
Frank said harness
I think there should be a “Know thy enemy” about Linda Ronsdadt. Or Whoopi Goldberg. Or both. They’re losers. Imagine calling Michael Moore a great American patriot. Heh. I wonder what SHE was drinking.
It wasn’t Slimfast, that’s for sure.
what about in a fight between Michael Moore and a Black hole? they say there’s a limit to how much shit one black hole can absorb . . .
Michael Moore is a black hole in a clever disguise.
Trucido, liked the Slim Fast joke.
And Whoopi Golberg would be ? To obvious to even post.
“And Whoopi Golberg would be ?”
Dman, YOU might be too classy to do it, but I’m not:
Whoopi Goldberg = a black ho’
I kept waiting for the liberal activist to complain and want the phenomna referred to as “African-American Holes”.
YES!!! The Slimfast joke was a hit! Look out Frank, here I come!
Wow. Looks like I got me a contender for position of Frank J. imposter.
“flip it the bird while saying, “Collapse this into a singularity!” That’ll show it.”
HAHA! That was the best one!
Black Holes
Well Frank has benefited mankind again. He is described for the novice, many wonderful facts about Black Holes and some recent discoveries by Steven Hawkings.
However, I do believed he missed a couple:
Black holes do not like the term and wo…
I seem to have lost all respect for black holes in the last 2 minutes.
I mean, they were all, “I can Singularitize your ass”, and I was scared, ya know, cuz I wasn’t too sure what that meant. But now I just flip him the bird. Thanks, Frank J!
I have found that if you fill black holes with water, they make for an excellent day out. Just make sure you stay int the shallow end.
Oh, and I think that Michael Moore and Linda Ronstadt are “Eating Buddies”
heh. Frank said “screwed”
*black holes have extrodinary gravity due to the fact that they are so dense…not as dense as al franken, ted kennedy, or dennis kucinich, but very, very dense.
*the cousin to the black hole, the “fishbelly pale hole”, is created at the “twinkie horizon”, the point at which michael moore eats one too many twinkies and his gravitational pull is such that he collapses in on himself and vanishes, to the pleasure of smart people everywhere.
MUST-READING
Just got back from D.C. I’m on deadline until this evening and won’t get to the 9/11 report until the wee hours. For now, make sure to read the always must-read analysis of Andrew McCarthy at NRO. On a lighter…
In France they call them “frozen stars”, because saying “black hole” makes them giggle till they tinkle. Seriously.
I am SO forwarding this to Hawking. Really.
Yeah, that’s right, he and I are buds.
Maybe this explains where iamwrong comes from, where nothing survives, logic shattered into bits, and all that is left is distractions. : )
I think if Mount Moore was sent into a black hole, the negative bafoonity that is Mount Moore would react with the powerful forces in the black hole, causing it to destroy the entire universe. Let’s not find out!
Question: If light cannot escape from a black hole, would that fact not throw a monkey wrench into prevalent theories about the speed of light?
That a black hole keeps “sucks” light in raises two possibilities: (1) Light is not the fastest thing in the universe, since something is sucking it in even faster, and (2) The speed of light is not constant, but can be slowed down or even reversed by enough gravity.
Is there anyone who know more about physics than I who could clear up these matters?
Also, black holes are notorious child abductors:
http://free.inkfrog.com/pix/Turkeyhead/Blackholekid.jpg
Protagonist-
Your question and possibilities were the protagonist to my headache. Congratulations!!! 🙂
Regarding Aquaman’s death: you are my hero.
Black holes do not “suck” light.
Einstein showed gravity bends light, and the gravity of a black hole causes light to bend in on itself.
The speed of the light remains constant, relatively speaking.
Which is why it’s called relativity.
…at least to my understanding.
A Masterpiece
This post, the utimate everything you want to know about black holes without reading Hawking’s book. My faves:* Hawking now says that, instead of destroying data, a black hole will eventually spit it out in a mangled form – much like shoving a classif…
Heheh. Frank also said “it”
And now from the Simpsons…
Homer Simpson: “I wish I read that book by that wheelchair guy.”
and…
Stephen Hawking: I came here expecting a Utopia, instead I found a Fruitopia.”
Homer Simpson: “Larry Flynt is right!”
Man.
I cannot single out ONE line from that, its all damn funny.
Great work!
Only Frank J could take physics to such an understandable level..Mr Hawkings will be envious…
Hey Frank, did you see that Michelle Malkin linked to this post? You’ve arrived, kid!
Protagonist-
Gravity is a phenomenon caused by the presence of matter (duh). The idea is that matter warps the space it occupies. In other words: the light travels in a straight line, but the line itself is bent.
Imagine 3D space as a 2D rubber mat. Matter represents dimples in the mat and black holes are “holes” in the mat that extend down into infinity.
Hope that helps,
That thing I said was true before, really is true!
Lars,
Ha! When I linked to Michelle, that meant she arrived.
If you’re reading this, Michelle, I’m just kidding!
Black Holes Explained!
I have to say that Frank J. has become the American answer to Terry Prachett. You doubt me? Read his primer about black holes! ‘Nuff said……
I thought Hawking was gonna say that brown was the new black? WTF?….
Black holes merely get their bad rep due to stereotyping by the man. When the white power structure is finally toppled, then people will stop being afraid of black holes.
I loved the black holes they used in the Bugs Bunny and Road Runner cartoons. Everyday I wish I had one of those in my pocket.
Is that a black hole in your pocket or are you Sandy Berger?
From Around the Blogosphere
Here are some recent posts from around the web that you might want to check out: Captain Ed writes about bloggers at the national conventions. (He’s been invited to the GOP convention himself! Yay for Minnesota bloggers! I know he’ll…
Nazi B@stards!
Our plot to rule the world continues! All else will be sucked into black holes, leaving us to accumulate wealth at the expense of the sucked-in masses! [Note to ruling Elders – can I have an advance on my share of the world’s wealth? I’m a little short this month]
Man, this is great.
‘If a black hole tells you its okay to come a little closer, it’s a trick! You’re near the event horizon!’
If black holes are going around telling this to kids, we need to start an organization dedicated to teaching little kids the dangers of approaching black holes on the street or opening up the door for them when they’re home alone. Tell me, do black holes often dress up as telephone repairmen to lure little kiddies into the event horizon?
The socio-economic-political policies of amerika, and various others which have and are causing the deaths of thousands in this world everyday have consequences beyond anything you pea brains can concieve. The black hole is karma which doesn’t care about democrats, republicans, or any other political affiliation. It is about to come home to visit itself on the chief perpetrators of violence on this earth
Burnie