Previously on 24…
SPOILER ALERT!!
1 hour gone, and so far, no revival of Tony. I’m still not ruling it out, since his death was so ridiculously unceremonious. Why keep him in that coma for several hours just to kill him the second he comes out of it?
So we know that the Muslim kid has a package that he needs to deliver soon.
Fayed’s people say they need to go, and Fayed says he wants to find Jack Bauer first because he knows the truth about him and Assad. Fayed’s people tell Fayed (we’ll call him bin Diesel) that by the time Jack finds Assad, Assad will be dead, so no worries. Jack sloshes out of the tunnels and surprisingly does not disintegrate into ash. Must be wearing some fantastic sunblock!
At CTU, Milo wonders if Jack bought the farm for no reason at all when they can’t get a heat signature at the Lat/Long given them by bin Diesel. Chloe overhears and tells Milo to shut up. Morris tells Milo to attenuate his thoughtless remarks. Chloe is a sensitive girl, you know. Jack breaks into a car whose owner happened to leave their cell phone in the car (I always leave my safety net in my locked car so I can’t call a locksmith or towtruck or emergency vehicle if needed) and calls in for Bill. I love this phone call. Priceless runaround primetime.
JACK: Bill, call off the airstrikes on Assad.
BILL: Jack, I’m so glad you’re alive! Why call off the airstrikes?
JACK: You’re going after the wrong man. Assad is not responsible for the bombings.
BILL: Where’d you get this information?
JACK: It’s complicated. I’ll explain it to you as soon as you call off the airstrike.
SARAHK: Wouldn’t it have been shorter to say, “Bin Diesel told me that he himself is behind the bombings”? It’s not really too complicated for a man who’s been at CTU as long as Bill, seen what he’s seen, is married to the National Security Advisor, knows the president, and has run Division. Give him a shot, Jack.
BILL: I don’t have the authority to rescind a presidential order, Jack. You know that.
JACK: Then put me through to the president, I’ll tell him myself.
SARAHK: Ooh! Ooh! While you’re talking to him, you should say something about selling out the people who sacrifice everything for you and mention not negotiating with terrorists. Say that one a few times. It never gets old.
JACK: Bill, trust me. Just put me through to the White House.
SARAHK: Seriously, Jack. That conversation would have been over so fast if you’d said, “Bin Diesel told me that Assad is here to stop him. He’s using you to kill his enemy.”
JACK: SarahK, it’s a 24 hour show. We have some time to fill.
SARAHK: See? Be succinct. Like that.
Jack hotwires the car while Bill tells Wayne Palmer that Jack is alive and that Jack says Assad is the wrong guy. Jack tells Wayne that Assad wants to mainstream his organization, bring them into the political process, blah blah blah, and bin Diesel wants to stop that from happening. Karen reminds Jack that Assad’s organization has been warring against the west for twenty years and has killed hundreds, and Jack says yes, but call off the strike. Palmer says let’s do a ground strike instead, Karen says we can’t afford it (what, we’re broke?), Bisquick and Karen both don’t like Jack’s judgment because of the twenty months in Chinese prison. Palmer thinks it over, and as he does, I am dumbfounded by the number of bald men on the show this season. Did they all get together and have a Trivial Pursuit game? The losing team had to shave their heads? Morris, Palmer, Curtis, bin Diesel, random computer guy at IAA. I’m sure there will be more. Palmer decides to go with the people who have not been tortured for almost two years; he proceeds as planned. Jack loads the coordinates he had previously memorized (terrorists shouldn’t say things out loud in front of their hostages) into his stolen cellphone, which has a subliminal advertising mapping feature, and starts driving.
In suburbia, Ahmed (ok, is that pronounced with a hard “h” or not? I always thought yes) gets a call from “Uncle” bin Diesel and tells the nice neighbor family that he’s going back to his house where he will meet up with his Uncle. Bin Diesel has asked if he has retrieved the package, and Ahmed says he will have it soon. When Ahmed leaves, his teenage friend follows him outside and is really nice to him. Says that he’s sorry this is all happening. “Ahmed? I’m sorry. I can’t believe this is happening. It’s like the whole world’s gone crazy.” Ok, this family has been nothing but nice to this rat-faced coward. His reply: “Actually, it’s been crazy for a long time. You just haven’t been paying attention.” Bite me. He tries to give him a necklace for good luck, and the teenage terrorist refuses it. “You might need it yourself someday.” Plus, you’re a filthy infidel American pig, and you might have touched bacon with your necklace.
Helicopters are en route to Assad’s location, and so is Jack. Jack arrives and quickly finds a convenient pile of firewood in L.A. where it is very cold next to the palm trees. He knocks out the lone guard outside of Assad’s house with a log and gets his gun. He gains access to the house and has a standoff with Assad and his men. He tells Assad about bin Diesel and the transponder and the impending airstrike. Jack concludes that bin Diesel must have a man on the inside who is carrying the transponder on him. They find him. Assad and Jack take the mole outside while others stay inside to secure computer files. Helicopters come in and fire missiles, destroying the house. Attacking our own soil. Craziness! And Islamofascists are so funny. They leave their loyal people inside the house to die while getting the infiltrator out to safety. I guess he’s their only lead. But still!

7:19a.m.: Islamic-American Alliance in Washington D.C. (we’ll call them…. CAIR). Subplot. Two FBI agents want to look at CAIR’s personnel database just to crosscheck it against the federal watchlist. CAIR seems cooperative at first, and the director seems sane (wait, I guess we can’t call it CAIR). Then the attorney gets wind of the FBI’s visit, and she comes running. She asks for the warrant, there isn’t one, and she tells the agents to leave. Then she calls her brother. The president. Oh good grief. Is she going to get chased by cougars? Maybe the IAA will get invaded by Islamofascists who don’t like the IAA, and she’ll be held hostage at bombpoint, and Jack Bauer will be the absolute only person in the world who could possibly save her, and he’ll have to hop a flight to DC to do so. And the president will say please, Jack, trade your life for hers.
Sandra Palmer tells her brother that IAA is being invaded by the evil FBI. Wayne says they need to follow up on every lead they get, and she says ethnic religious profiling blah blah, and she thinks Bisquick is behind it. And David didn’t like Bisquick! That hurts Wayne, and they hang up, and miss attorney kisses her client the director of the IAA. So she’s dating the director of the Muslim organization. She might have a conflict of interest.
Bill notifies the Oval Office that Assad was not in the house and is still alive. They’re sure now that Assad will respond to the airstrike with more attacks.
Bin Diesel groups up with his posse at a garage and meets a suicide bomber. He helps the guy zip up his bomb vest, just in case the guy gets the heebie jeebies. “By overcoming your fear, you are proving your worth.” Aww, that’s sweet when you’re not the one doing the overcoming, huh?
Jack, Assad, and their captive find a recently (five minutes ago, they’re still moving) vacated house (please visit uhaul.com) and think it will be a fine place for a quickie torture. Jack confirms that Assad wants to ceasefire with the west and propose something or other, but key in the plan is eliminating bin Diesel. Jack takes off his shirt to change into a clean, stolen one, and Assad is stunned into silence by Jack’s disfigured back. It goes well with his Dumbledoresque right hand. Jack says, “I’ll be right back.” Oh no! You never say that! He’s going to be murdered by the serial killer when he walks outside!
Sorry. Shouldn’t finish these past midnight, and it’s almost 2 a.m.
Chloe sees the satellite footage of Jack getting Assad out of the house before the airstrike. She shows Bill, and they determine that Jack only did this so he could find bin Diesel and save America and that they should not tell anyone about this just yet but they should also look for bin Diesel.
Jack tells Assad they should involve CTU to find bin Diesel. “See, they tried to kill me ten minutes ago, so they’re not on my top eight myspace friends right now, ok? And they’ll lock me in a room and question me for days. I’ll find bin Diesel on my terms.” Jack says, but they have resources! Jack questions the mole and sticks a pencil into the guy’s shrapnel wound to get info on bin Diesel’s location. He tells Jack nothing, cries, and begs Jack to stop. Jack softens and stops. Assad is surprised and asks why. Jack says the guy wasn’t going to tell them anything. Well maybe not filthy infidel pigdogs!
Assad sticks a knife in the captive’s knee, and the guy sings like Whitney Houston on crack. Seriously, shaky, raspy voice and everything. Assad tells the guy he took the wrong path, sorry about that, and kills him. The people moving out of that house are going to be so surprised when they come back to find a dead guy next to the American flag curtain. “Did we forget to take our dead terrorist with us? Whoops. Go get the Uhaul again.”
Jack is quiet, and Assad is ready to go. “I don’t know how to do this anymore.” Assad tells him, “You’ll remember. Once you buy a new JackAttackSack and get a fancy new scope and an semiautomatic pistol that will make a cocking sound at unrealistic moments, you will remember.”
7:41a.m.: Good grief, does anyone start work at or after 8 a.m.? Even the FBI shows up before 8. I understand the Oval Office at work, and CTU, but you’re executing warrants at 7:40? And with all this switching between LA and DC, which time zone are they going with, Pacific or Eastern? Is it really 10:40 in Washington? I ask because they show a DC scene while flashing 7:40 on the screen. That confuses me. It must be Pacific time. Jack Bauer Standard. Whatever. Anyway, the FBI is back with an administrative warrant, and Sandra Palmer says that isn’t legal, and FBI says that’s her opinion. She steps aside, and her boyfriend is cooperative. While FBI is led to the media room, she deletes the personnel files off the server. Paper copies are going to be very inconvenient — I hope the FBI agents are smart enough to think about paper files. Because no one has only electronic personnel files with no backups. Except maybe some of the non-profits I used to audit, but that’s another story.
When the kid accessing the personnel files for the agents can’t find the files, Kim-andra says, “That’s right, I did it! Whatchou gonna do about it? I’m the president’s sister! I deleted the files, and I used the shredder program on the computer, so boo-yah!” The agents press about four keys on the computer and say, “Yep, you’re right, the files are gone!” Um yeah. I’m no computer expert, but I have lost a file before, and I do know that you look for longer than four key pushes. But you know. Primetime. The agents arrest Kim-andra and her boyfriend, who doesn’t even bother resisting. Ok, the one FBI agent who does all the talking is a total robot. He makes me laugh. “U R UN DUR AR REST. AR REST THE BOY FREN TOO. NO SPESHUL TREET MENT. JOHN NY FIVE IS A LIVE!”
In Suburbia, the nice white kid sees the mean man from down the street approaching nice Ahmed’s front door. Inside, Ahmed busts through some drywall to retrieve the package we’ve all been hearing about. I have to ask: how did he get the package inside the wall of his house without his parents knowing, unless one or both of them was complicit? The mean man comes in and starts throwing Ahmed around as payback for what Ahmed’s people have been doing. Ahmed deserves it, so I’m happy, but on the other hand, the man doesn’t know that Ahmed deserves it. He should know that he’s just supposed to profile heavily and keep a hair trigger trained on Ahmed’s center mass until Ahmed is proven innocent. He shouldn’t just start beating the kid up for his dad’s supposed crimes. On the other hand, Ahmed is evil and deserves everything he gets. Ahmed pulls out a gun and kills the guy with two shots (cocking on the second shot, of course). The guy deserved a good punching for beating the kid without proof of terrorism, but he didn’t deserve death. Anyway, Ahmed got a nice big coffee table glass shard in the leg, and since teenagers are stupid, he pulled that sucker right out of his big artery. Shouldn’t do that. You leave it in until it is surgically removed because it could be stopping you from bleeding to death.
Again in the teenagers-are-stupid category, the kid from across the street rushes right in after hearing two gunshots. “Ahmed? What’s up? Wanna play some UnoDubya-2?” Dimwit wants to call an ambulance or 911, and Ahmed says no and cocks the gun again — he is a safety kid, loves to decock that gun in the heat of this moment. Ahmed gets all touchy about the pronunciation of his name. It’s a hard “h” after all. “It’s Ock-med, and you’re not my friend, because I never corrected you when you pronounced it wrong!” So Ocky says Dimwit will do what he says or else. What a nice way to start your school day, huh, Dimwit?
7:50 a.m.: Assad and Jack arrive at the location given by the mole. At an intersection, Assad sees two men crossing the street in suits, and he says one is wearing an explosive vest. He’s sure these are bin Diesel’s men. Jack and Jill follow the terrorists into the subway. I recognize that wide shot from ALIAS. Assad will follow the handler, who won’t get on the train, and Jack is going after the bomber.
After the bomber is on the train, Jack steps on. When the ticketing agent asks for Jack’s ticket, Jack identifies himself as federal agent Jack Bauer (he loves throwing that title around when he doesn’t own it, and they never prosecute him for it, and they’d better not!) and tells the ticketing agent to leave him alone so as not to arouse suspicion. He fails to say to the agent, “And don’t turn around every three seconds to stare at the terrorist, because that’s conspicuous, too.”
Meanwhile, Assad is following the handler, who is on his way to Union Station (LA), which is supposed to blow up. When he sees that Union Station is blown up, he will call to notify bin Diesel.
Jack positions himself right in front of the bomber, who is sitting only a couple feet from the back door of the train. The bomber notices the ticketing agent acting wildly, crazily anxious and quickly flips open his detonator. Jack snaps into action. Can he do it without his JackAttackSack? He grapples with the bomber, and eventually, the bomber kicks Jack to the floor. He shouts the normalcies and pushes his detonator, but Jack has ahold of some grips and drop-kicks the guy out the back of the train, just as he explodes. Since he failed at his mission, he will only receive 72 virgin daquiris. Jack stops the train. Bauer power!
Four blocks east, the handler (also bald) makes a phone call to bin Diesel to say that something went wrong and Union Station did not explode, and he sees smoke west of there. Bin Diesel is happy anyway about the Baltimore and Chicago attacks that were pulled off simultaneously. CTU gets word that Jack was on the train. Chloe gets a recording of the handler’s phone call to bin Diesel, confirming that they went after the wrong terrorist. Bisquick tries to make Palmer feel better, and Palmer says yeah, it’s only going to get much worse.
And we have our first “Copy that” from Jack of the season! Yay! He tells Assad to keep following the handler, because that guy is our only lead to bin Diesel.
At the end of the episode is a dedication to the memory of the aircrew of Gunshot 66: Major Gerald “Beav” Bloomfield, Captain Michael “Martini” Martino, whose Marine Corps helicopter was shot down over western Iraq November 2, 2005.
Tomorrow night, more demands from terrorists (this is what happens when you negotiate with terrorists), and a crazy stunning ending that will change everything. And so far this season, no Aaron Pierce, 1 copy that, no Tony Almeida, no JackAttackSack, and Chloe hasn’t killed anyone. And there are only 22 hours left! I don’t want to jinx anything, but no Audrey and no Kim, either! Though we do have a Kim clone with that dumb presidential sister subplot. Maybe she’ll get eaten by cougars early. We can only hope.
Ooh! I have my name for Jack. I can’t do Jackula, because someone else already did. GreyJack isn’t taken, though. (Only Harry Potter readers will get it, and only those who have read OTP and HBP at that.) GreyJack works on multiple levels anyway. Doesn’t he look old this season? It’s a good makeup job, they really aged him well from last season. He looks like he endured a couple of years of torture.
Oh! Does anyone think that once bin Diesel is eliminated, Assad will be less than cooperative with the US government? Maybe he’s doing what bin Diesel was trying to do, using the US government to eliminate his enemy’s organization.