Kris (formerly Iowasoccermom) has a caption contest going on over at Anywhere But Here. We love those! And Kris!
Archive of entries posted on 8th January 2007
If Only Jesus Had Instructed Us on How to Properly Beat Our Wives
Ever get the feeling you’re not properly beating your wife? Luckily, here’s a video of a Muslim cleric instructing us in Allah-approved wife beating:
If I get this down, maybe SarahK will stop mouthing-off to me.
Do you get the feeling this guy would locally be considered a liberal for his attitudes towards wife-beating?
(hat tip to Right Wing News)
Malkin
The Word of The Day for today was malkin:
malkin (MO-kin, MAL-kin) noun
1. An untidy woman; a slattern.
2. A scarecrow or a grotesque effigy.
3. A mop made of a bundle or rags fastened to a stick.
4. A cat.
5. A hare.
0 for 5.
The Manhattan Stench explained!
Dear Yasser,
Well, my plans to go home have been delayed.
I’m just waiting for some of my friends from the Congo to wipe out the members of my extended family who have threatened me with castration for not including them in Oil For Food deals.
Until that’s settled, I think I’m going to stay here in the City That Never Sleeps.
Or should I say, The City That Stinks.
Okay, so I’m sorry for making the city smell like Natural Gas leaks, but it’s really a Supernatural Gas leak.
In my retirement, I’ve decided to dust off the shrunken heads and spellbooks, taking up where I left off in my Witch Doctor studies.
I’d have been a great witch doctor, but my teachers decided I should take my spellcraft to the next level of theatrical quack medicine and into the arcane arts of global diplomacy.
Anyway, I thought I’d work up a zombie potion to revive you, but I ended up mixing failure after failure.
Flushing them all down the porcelain-and-gold toilet in my condo, I figured no harm, right?
Wrong. All of the spells were mixed in the sewers overnight, and a horrible stench rose through the streets of Manhattan.
What pisses me off about this is that there’s absolutely no sign of the dead rising… I know I’ve buried plenty of bodies in Central Park, and I’ve seen none of them shambling about from the view of my condo’s wrap-around patio overlooking the park.
Oh well. I’ll just call the supply shop and order more spell components. I’ve also got to call the escort service and demand clean hookers to use as vessels in which to brew my concoctions.
It’s so hard to get quality ingredients these days.
Love,
Kofi
There’s a Jew Behind Me!
An Editorial by a Tree
Oh Muslim, oh servant of Allah, this is a Jew behind me, come and kill him!
I’m completely serious. Right now, there is a Jew hiding behind me. I can’t see him too well – he is behind me as I stated – but I’m sure he’s a Jew so one of you Muslims better come quick and kill him, praise Allah.
Hello? Someone out there? Come on! I know today is not the day of resurrection so I’m jumping the gun a bit, but I figured what’s the chance of a Jew ever actually hiding behind me? But, today, there is a Jew right behind me, and it is my day to shine. So, I’m calling out best I can… which is new for me. We trees are pretty quiet. I hope you appreciate the effort I’m making here, and thus maybe, if it’s not too inconvenient, one of you faithful Muslims could come over here and kill the Jew.
“You think you’ll be getting virgins? Oh no, not for you. You ignored the tree.”
Okay. Fine. Ignore me. Right now the Jew is sitting behind me probably counting his money… or maybe counting your money – and is completely unkilled and no one seems to care. Wait until the Prophet Mohammad hears about this one. You think you’ll be getting virgins? Oh no, not for you. You ignored the tree. You’ll get crack whores.
Yeah, I made that last part up. Honestly, I’m not too up on theology since I never read the Koran; again, I’m a tree. All I know it to call out if there’s a Jew behind me, so here I am doing my part. Remember: I’m doing you a favor. Muslim, Jew, Hindu… what do I care? I’m a tree. I just thought I’d do a little community service and call out for a Jew to be killed. I guess that was my mistake. Mea culpa. I’ll never do it again.
Hey! You shut up, rock! The Jew is behind me! Yeah, he’s near you, but he’s hiding behind me. You only get to call out if the Jew is actually hiding behind you, capisce? He’s my Jew, so you keep quiet!
Great! Now the Jew has ran away. Maybe all the trees and rocks yelling out for him to be killed scared him away; I really don’t know how a Jew mind works. Well, Muslims, you botched this one. You had the tree calling out and everything, but I guess you were all just too busy. And, I guess with the infidels invade, you’ll all be too busy to blow yourself up in their marketplace. “Well, it was a fine religion while it lasted, but everyone just decided to ignore the tree and it all went downhill.” Yep, that’s what they’ll say.
Still, if you want to try and redeem yourself, there’s a squirrel in my branches that’s starting to annoy me. If you’d kill him, that would be awesome and I’d put a good word in for you to Allah.
Hello?
The tree is a regular contributor to photosynthesis, and, while it’s never written a book, it has been involved in the publication of nearly every title out there.
How Conservative Are You?
A number of bloggers have suddenly discovered this old political test which rates how conservative you are from 0 to 40. Glenn Reynolds got a 21 as did Ann Althouse, Allahpundit a 25, Andrew Sullivan a 26 (which proves people wrong who think he’s a crazy liberal; he’s actually a crazy conservative), and Eugene Volokh got all pedantic about the questions and refused to give his score. I always knew Volokh was a supreme coward… when it comes to answering inane questions and telling everyone your result, at least.
I got a 34. Yes, you can pretend the questions don’t make sense and refuse to answer them, but I think it’s fun to give it a shot. Give it a try and put your score in the comments.