Previously on 24…
SPOILER ALERT!!
1 hour gone, and so far, no revival of Tony. I’m still not ruling it out, since his death was so ridiculously unceremonious. Why keep him in that coma for several hours just to kill him the second he comes out of it?
So we know that the Muslim kid has a package that he needs to deliver soon.
Fayed’s people say they need to go, and Fayed says he wants to find Jack Bauer first because he knows the truth about him and Assad. Fayed’s people tell Fayed (we’ll call him bin Diesel) that by the time Jack finds Assad, Assad will be dead, so no worries. Jack sloshes out of the tunnels and surprisingly does not disintegrate into ash. Must be wearing some fantastic sunblock!
At CTU, Milo wonders if Jack bought the farm for no reason at all when they can’t get a heat signature at the Lat/Long given them by bin Diesel. Chloe overhears and tells Milo to shut up. Morris tells Milo to attenuate his thoughtless remarks. Chloe is a sensitive girl, you know. Jack breaks into a car whose owner happened to leave their cell phone in the car (I always leave my safety net in my locked car so I can’t call a locksmith or towtruck or emergency vehicle if needed) and calls in for Bill. I love this phone call. Priceless runaround primetime.
JACK: Bill, call off the airstrikes on Assad.
BILL: Jack, I’m so glad you’re alive! Why call off the airstrikes?
JACK: You’re going after the wrong man. Assad is not responsible for the bombings.
BILL: Where’d you get this information?
JACK: It’s complicated. I’ll explain it to you as soon as you call off the airstrike.
SARAHK: Wouldn’t it have been shorter to say, “Bin Diesel told me that he himself is behind the bombings”? It’s not really too complicated for a man who’s been at CTU as long as Bill, seen what he’s seen, is married to the National Security Advisor, knows the president, and has run Division. Give him a shot, Jack.
BILL: I don’t have the authority to rescind a presidential order, Jack. You know that.
JACK: Then put me through to the president, I’ll tell him myself.
SARAHK: Ooh! Ooh! While you’re talking to him, you should say something about selling out the people who sacrifice everything for you and mention not negotiating with terrorists. Say that one a few times. It never gets old.
JACK: Bill, trust me. Just put me through to the White House.
SARAHK: Seriously, Jack. That conversation would have been over so fast if you’d said, “Bin Diesel told me that Assad is here to stop him. He’s using you to kill his enemy.”
JACK: SarahK, it’s a 24 hour show. We have some time to fill.
SARAHK: See? Be succinct. Like that.
Jack hotwires the car while Bill tells Wayne Palmer that Jack is alive and that Jack says Assad is the wrong guy. Jack tells Wayne that Assad wants to mainstream his organization, bring them into the political process, blah blah blah, and bin Diesel wants to stop that from happening. Karen reminds Jack that Assad’s organization has been warring against the west for twenty years and has killed hundreds, and Jack says yes, but call off the strike. Palmer says let’s do a ground strike instead, Karen says we can’t afford it (what, we’re broke?), Bisquick and Karen both don’t like Jack’s judgment because of the twenty months in Chinese prison. Palmer thinks it over, and as he does, I am dumbfounded by the number of bald men on the show this season. Did they all get together and have a Trivial Pursuit game? The losing team had to shave their heads? Morris, Palmer, Curtis, bin Diesel, random computer guy at IAA. I’m sure there will be more. Palmer decides to go with the people who have not been tortured for almost two years; he proceeds as planned. Jack loads the coordinates he had previously memorized (terrorists shouldn’t say things out loud in front of their hostages) into his stolen cellphone, which has a subliminal advertising mapping feature, and starts driving.
In suburbia, Ahmed (ok, is that pronounced with a hard “h” or not? I always thought yes) gets a call from “Uncle” bin Diesel and tells the nice neighbor family that he’s going back to his house where he will meet up with his Uncle. Bin Diesel has asked if he has retrieved the package, and Ahmed says he will have it soon. When Ahmed leaves, his teenage friend follows him outside and is really nice to him. Says that he’s sorry this is all happening. “Ahmed? I’m sorry. I can’t believe this is happening. It’s like the whole world’s gone crazy.” Ok, this family has been nothing but nice to this rat-faced coward. His reply: “Actually, it’s been crazy for a long time. You just haven’t been paying attention.” Bite me. He tries to give him a necklace for good luck, and the teenage terrorist refuses it. “You might need it yourself someday.” Plus, you’re a filthy infidel American pig, and you might have touched bacon with your necklace.
Helicopters are en route to Assad’s location, and so is Jack. Jack arrives and quickly finds a convenient pile of firewood in L.A. where it is very cold next to the palm trees. He knocks out the lone guard outside of Assad’s house with a log and gets his gun. He gains access to the house and has a standoff with Assad and his men. He tells Assad about bin Diesel and the transponder and the impending airstrike. Jack concludes that bin Diesel must have a man on the inside who is carrying the transponder on him. They find him. Assad and Jack take the mole outside while others stay inside to secure computer files. Helicopters come in and fire missiles, destroying the house. Attacking our own soil. Craziness! And Islamofascists are so funny. They leave their loyal people inside the house to die while getting the infiltrator out to safety. I guess he’s their only lead. But still!
Archive of entries posted on 14th January 2007
24 Day 6 — 6 a.m. to 7 a.m.
Begins right now… beep boop all that. Yay!
SPOILER ALERT!!
Yay! Viewer discretion is advised! awesome!
Scene setup. Fox News Alert. A real one, it seems, not like the fake ones that come every seven minutes on Fox News and can be anything from a cat climbing a tree to an actual news item. San Antonio has been bombed by Islamofascists, and there have been multiple attacks with over 900 casualties. A man who could look Middle-Eastern sees the Alert and then frantically runs to try to catch a bus that has already closed its doors. The bus driver gives him the twice over and opts to move on. Well, he should have been on time if he wanted to look like a potential terrorist. That’s right, I said it, and chances are I’ll say it again tomorrow in casual conversation. He gets all screamy and yells about his rights as a terrorist lookalike when the bus pulls away. It’s called profiling, and most people do it whether they admit it or not. Deal with it, Obama. I mean, Osama. Honest mistake, sorry.
Turns out, profiling does save lives! Particularly Obama’s, because there’s an Asian-looking guy (well, what? he doesn’t look Norwegian or Texan, ok? give him a cowboy hat, and I’ll say Texan. I’m an equal opportunity stereotyper. Even when it’s my own people.) on the bus with bomb wires coming out of his PDA gadget. He blows up the bus.
So now Karen Hayes, Mr. F of last season, is the National Security Advisor. And her hair looks great, yes? And Professor Biscuit Fleinhardt of Numb3rs is also an advisor and/or cabinet member (we’re unclear so far). Wayne Palmer has been the president for three months. Interesting. Is he married suddenly, or is he our first bachelor president? I never heard of him having a family or a wife. Well. He had someone else’s wife, but I don’t think that counts, and personally, I think that should count against you. Oh, and I don’t want to hear anyone else ask the question, “Is America ready for a black president?” Uh, duh. Have you ever seen the show? We’ve had two now.
Anyway, Professor Biscuit (he’ll get a new name soon, of course, as will Mr. F), has successfully instituted a policy of interning some of the American Muslims in encampments. NSA is calling them “concentration camps.” That’s extreme of her. Ok, I want this to be enjoyable for most audiences, so I’ll leave my own opinions out of this (read: I had to backspace quite a bit — I love tangents!). There’s one terrorist guy leading all of the attacks, and they want to capture him. I missed his name, probably Mohammed. Once they capture that guy, everything will end and we’ll be back to sunshine and roses in America, because no one else will want to kill us ever again — just like how some people say that we should focus only on Bin Laden so this will all be over for us! And Palmer says we’re paying a super-steep price to get Mohammed.
Muslim extremist seasons are probably going to bring out Political Ranty SarahK. I’ll try to save her for other posts on the day after. This is about having fun with our favorite show!
At CTU, Morris (Chloe’s ex-husband) and Milo (why has he been missing from seasons again?) are not getting along, because Morris is sarcastic and Milo is boring. Chloe comes over, and we establish that she and Morris are an item again. “I had the same problem with department heads when I started, and I learned to get along. You should try it,” says Chloe. Haha. Nadia is apparently Chloe’s new boss, and Chloe has a request from DHS and many questions for Nadia.
Suspected moles are: Nadia, this Clay Aiken guy that popped up, and Milo. Someone remind me why he left? I thought it was something to do with Kim and a heartbreak. Ugh, did y’all see in the preview she’s back? Why her? Why me? Focus, SarahK.
They’ve maybe found a way to find Assad (previously Mohammed): Jack Bauer. Chloe warns Nadia that this could never work, because Jack’s in a Chinese prison. Nadia tells her that her crush is coming back, and Chloe is thinking, “Dangit! I never would have hooked back up with my ex if I’d known there was still a chance that Jack would be out anytime soon! Oh well, love ’em and leave ’em, I’ll get rid of him by 7:48 a.m.” Chloe finds out Bill is meeting Jack at a Naval Air Station.