David Beckham, a guy from some Spanish team, shocked America today by joining the Los Angeles Galaxy from Major League Soccer. Said on astonished American, “I didn’t know America had professional soccer.”
A spokesman for the Galaxy, which according to sources, is indeed a professional soccer team, stated: “No longer will people NOT recognize soccer here in this country. We now have David Beckham, one of the most famous and well known soccer faces in the world.”
IMAO tried to reach David Beckham by telephone, but could not get through to him because Posh Spice wouln’t stop yammering about how much she loves us.

Pictured above: Somebody who might be David Beckham*
*We think. We’re not sure because it’s soccer and nobody at IMAO is gay.

Colin Powell is credited with coming up the “Pottery Barn” Rule of foreign policy, i.e., “You break it, you bought it.” The idea is that, if we attack a country, we are then responsible for fixing the place and making it thriving democracy… or at least one that’s only dying very slowly like we did with Germany and Japan.
This is obviously a dumb policy.
As we now know, the American people hate rebuilding operations. If we stay to fix a place, people will complain “quagmire” and constantly whine and annoy the troops. Thus, the policy is not sustainable.
I suggest a new foreign policy called the “Hulk Smash” rule. If a country angers us, we smash them. And we have no responsibility to rebuild them since it was their fault for making us angry and causing us to smash them. Because we’re the Hulk.
Some may say this is an irresponsible policy that will make other countries angry at us, but that’s a stupid opinion since other countries are always angry at us. The smart thing to do is then disregard the opinions of foreigners when settling on a foreign policy. Thus, the best policy is to follow the “Hulk Smash” rule in which we kill evil foreigners and then no longer have to worry about the clean up afterwards.

It’s not often that people use the words jobs and Democrats in the same sentence, but it happened this week at a new product launch. Apple Computer (now known as Apple, Inc.) CEO Steve Jobs today introduced a new model of his upcoming I-phone. Announced Steve, “We’re proud to present the ultimate organizer for today’s leading Democrats — the I-Quit.”
With all of the features of a regular phone, but none of the functionality, the I-Quit is the ideal organizer for today’s modern leader.

Menu Buttons include: (From left to right)
Communication: Now in charge, the Democrats have a plan for peace that will rival anything brokered by President Clinton. New Peace Plans Programs come with over 100 excuses and ways to blame Israel. You can get up to 10,000 excuses with the Jimmy Carter upgrade.
Leadership. The Nancy button is the first female button in the history of phones. You don’t want to push this button too often as it has a tendency to push back and try to ruin you.
Friends and Family Button. Like OBL, friends are simply murderous strangers that you haven’t met yet. This program lets you keep track of murderous terrorists to keep you safe, or — if you prefer — you can use it to track the current movements of the Royal Family.
Friends Chat List: This special messaging system is perfectly developed to help you reach your friends. Remember — Cell phone signals don’t always penetrate tin foil. You’ll want this feature.
Outlook. Coordinate activity with fellow Democrats. Need to schedule a meeting to talk economics, homeland security, or illegal immigration? Then this Outlook program might be just the thing.
Translate. When the static in that tunnel gets to the point where everyone sounds like a bona-fide plastered drunk, click this translating feature to help those slurred words pop back into English.
411: This handy button helps you navigate and bypass all those dangerous streets. This is perfect when traveling through Paris and you need to bypass all cars set afire by the Youths Of France.
International Calls: A handy button helps you dial calls to any civilized foreign nation. (Button will not reach Australia, Britain, or any American Allies in this Quagmire of a War.) You can call up to say, “Hi” or “How Ya Doin'” or “Obliterate the Israeli Threat Now!”
The Nothing Button. Unfortunately, due to a design botch, this button does nothing useful. Apple I-Quit designers did not want this button. Actually, some of them were for this button before they were against it. It might become active by 2008.
Home Keys.
Home keys allow Democrats to resort to their tried and true strategies for success.
Issues Button. This focuses on Republican scandal and reminds voters how awful Republicans truly are. (Note: This button cannot be programmed to register Democrat scandal as it is all a right wing fabrication.)
WWSD: What Would Saddam Do. This home button gives one the ability to think like Saddam, who reigned over a peaceful Iraq, unlike the mess it is now. Use when you are in doubt over genocide versus sectarian violence.
Chimpy Did It: This vital home key reminds people that every bad thing is the fault of the George W. Bush. This includes Hurricane Katrina (the hurricane itself, not the levee breakage) the booming economy (which is the worst in the history of mankind) , Global Warming, and the Donald Trump- Rosie O’ Donnell Fued.
100 Hours Button: This button helps today’s Dem remind voters that 100 hours is more than enough to talk about doing something over 100 hours. Even if nothing happens, remind voters of your good intentions and your determined focus. (Note: 100 hours button does not function on Sundays when there is a football game on TV)
**
This new phone is set to ship on February 14th, 2007. It will come in one color: African American as any white phone would be a racist sign of oppression. Limited quantities will be available south of the Mason-Dixon line.

As you know, President Bush has proposed a troop surge in Iraq. I think that could be a great idea if it’s done properly.
Traditionally, in military parlance, a “surge” is when troops are increased in an area and then ordered to run through all nearby cities, destroying and killing whatever they see. This is always great for troop morale because our troops love running around shooting at stuff but hate standing around and being shot at. Plus, it’s a great way to end a military campaign and declare victory, because it’s hard to argue you weren’t victorious when you just killed a bunch of people and blew stuff up.
Thus, the question is whether President Bush will order a proper surge with the running around and the indiscriminate destruction. This would mark the difference between a good president and a bad president. If Bush orders a proper surge, people will look back on him and say, “Remember when that president destroyed tons of stuff and killed lots of foreigners? That was cool.” But, if Bush does half-measures, people will say, “Remember when that president could have destroyed tons of stuff and killed lots of foreigners but didn’t? That totally sucked.”

Still waiting for the campaigning to heat up, but here’s a new straw poll for GOP candidates for president: